Stumble
Chapter Ten
Disclaimer – I do not own the Outsiders. Or When I Get Home Your So Dead by Mayday Parade.
--You want to start over but never start over –
"You're not doin' anything, just come!" Vanessa pleaded. She was going over to the Curtis' and was trying to get me to come with her. "You never do anything anymore, Morgan. You go out to God-knows-where every night and then sit inside all day. I'm startin' to worry about you."
I could tell by the look in her eyes that she meant it, too. She often gave me that look. The one that said 'I wish I knew, I wish I could help'. But, even if she did know, she couldn't help me. It's probably better that she remains clueless, anyway. No good could come from her knowing how I paid for her things. She still thought it was our old man's money.
I was going to refuse and I guess she could tell because her eyes glazed over with tears. I sighed. "A'right, Nessa, I'll come. But just for a while," I caved.
She grinned widely and let go of my wrist, which she had been using to try and get me off my bed. "Okay, c'mon," she said, eagerly. I couldn't help but smile a bit as she made her way towards my bedroom door. It was the first time I had felt any shred of happiness in a long time.
We walked there in silence, Nessa grinning all the way. I wasn't sure if she was happy because she finally got me to come along, or if it was because she was going to hang out with the only friends she had in this town, or if it was because she was going to see Ponyboy.
It had been about a week since their first date, they had been on another since, and were planning to go out again tonight. She really liked him, I could tell, and if I had been capable of feeling anything but misery, I probably would have been happy for her.
When we arrived we walked in without knocking, as Vanessa had been instructed to do weeks ago. "Hey, guys," she called through the house.
"Hey, Nessy!" a boy I didn't know called back. "Who's 'at?"
"This is Morgan, y'know, my sister," Vanessa explained. "I told you 'bout her."
If I had really been paying attention I might have been flattered by what she said, but, as it was, I wasn't paying attention. My eyes had locked with the cold blue ones of Dallas Winston. Why can't I get rid of this guy? I thought to myself.
Vanessa was introducing the boy who'd spoken as Two-bit Matthews and another boy I didn't know as Darry Curtis. I tore my eyes away from Dally's glare to give the two a forced smile. I hoped it didn't look too forced, but I could tell by the looks on there faces that it did.
Vanessa took a seat on the couch next to Ponyboy and I sat in an arm chair, pulling my knees up close to my face and resting my chin on them. I looked down at the floor, letting my hair fall into my face. I wasn't comfortable around guys. I was very uneasy and anxious. I wasn't used to them being nice and not trying to get me into bed.
So I sat silently, waiting for a time when I could make my escape.
I looked up at one point to see Nessa staring at my worriedly, biting her lip. Ponyboy was looking back and forth between us. I knew he wanted to ask her about me but couldn't as long as I was in the room. So I got up and went to sit on the porch, deciding this was a good time to get some air.
I sat on the porch steps and sighed, looking around the neighbourhood. It was getting late, twilight had already begun to leave us as the moon rose.
Suddenly the porch door swung open behind me and out stepped Dallas. He leaned against the porch railing and looked down at me. "Thought you left," he said around the cigarette between his lips. I just shrugged. He looked out at the street and blew his smoke into the air, watching it lazily float away.
I shuddered as it got visibly darker. "Whatsa matter?" Dally asked, obviously having noticed. "You scared o' the dark or somethin'?" His voice was mocking but his eyes were serious.
"Yeah, somethin' like that," I whispered.
"Well don't be," he replied. "Ain't nothin' more scary out there now than there is in the daylight." I wasn't sure how he'd come to such a conclusion, but I could tell he really believed it.
The screen door opened again and this time it was Pony and Nessa who came out. "We're headin' to the movies now," my sister told me.
"A'right, have fun," I replied as they walked away. "I guess I'll go home then." I said to Dallas.
"I'll walk ya," he offered, pushing himself into a standing position.
"No, no," I said as I stood. "I'll be fine."
"You sure?" he questioned.
"Yeah," I answered. "G'night, Dallas."
"Don't let the bed bugs bite," he said as he took another drag of his cigarette. I smiled at that and even let a small laugh escape my lips. I don't know why I found it so funny, but it was good to laugh. He was smiling too, a real, genuine smile. It was something I'd never seen before, but I liked it. It suited him for some reason.
As I walked away from the house I suddenly felt a wave of disappointment. Maybe if I'd done things differently, Dallas could have a more important place in my life. Maybe he could mean something to me and not just be one of the guys my sister hung around with. Maybe if I'd just let him kiss me that night, my life could be completely different.
But, as it was, that just wasn't possible.