Stumble
Chapter Twelve
Disclaimer – I do not own the Outsiders. Or Three Cheers for Five Years by Mayday Parade.
-- And you'd help me out of the dark –
Vanessa had been surprised the next morning when I'd offered to go to the Curtis' with her. She had said yes, of course.
And that's how I got there. Sitting on that chair in the corner, my knees pulled up into my chest, my eyes directed at the TV screen. Everyone around me was happily bustling about getting ready for this or that. I was happy to sit there and be left alone as they all did their own thing and ignored me.
Of course, not everyone was happily bustling about. I could feel Dallas' eyes boring holes into the side of my head from where he stood, leaning in the kitchen doorway. I looked up at him once. He didn't even make an attempt to look away.
His staring made me feel guilty. As if I was doing something wrong by just sitting there and keeping my mouth shut. It was like he was waiting for me to screw up somehow. Although I'm sure it wasn't his intention to make me feel like that. At least, I hoped it wasn't.
Then again, guilt is a good tool to use while trying to get someone to obey your will…
But, if Dallas was trying to make me feel guilty, it was completely unnecessary. I was there, wasn't I? That had to say something. I wanted out. I'd asked for his help. He'd told me to come. I was there.
Soon after, Vanessa, Ponyboy, Johnny, Steve and Two-bit left for school. Sodapop and Darry went to work. I was left alone with Dallas.
He sat down on the couch, putting his feet up on the coffee table. He took a long drag on his cigarette and blew the smoke in front of him. The tension was building. I knew he wanted to say something. I was scared of what it would be.
Finally, he sighed. "Thought you weren't gonna show."
I turned my head slightly to look at him, he was staring straight ahead. "Why wouldn't I?"
He shrugged. "Just didn't think you would."
"You don't trust me," I stated.
"Why should I?" he questioned, looking at me now.
I didn't have an answer to that. In all truth, he shouldn't trust me. I barely trusted myself.
"How could ya do that to yerself?" I heard him ask. I don't think it was directed at me, he was just thinking aloud. But I answered him anyway.
At first I was going to go into my rant about wanting the best for Nessa, and yes, I suppose that was part of it…but there was more.
"I hated it at first," I began. "I still hate, but it's different now. So much changed all at once. Maybe that was just how I decided to deal with it." I'm not sure if I was trying to explain it to Dallas, or myself. "It really hurt at first. I don't mean, like, physically - I mean it…hurt. And then, eventually, I just became numb."
I felt the tears well up in my eyes and spill over, silently flowing over my cheeks. I reached up and touched them, not believing they were real. I hadn't cried in so long. I hadn't felt any real emotion in so long.
"Not so numb anymore, huh?" I heard Dallas whisper. I had almost forgotten he was there.
As I stared at my wet finger tips, shining with salty tears, I realized he was right. I wasn't numb anymore. Something about Dallas Winston had warmed me.