Eddie sat there in shock at what Buck just said to him, he continued to just stare at Buck who was crying. It wasn't until he tried to pull his IV line out that Eddie reacted, placing his hand down gently on to Bucks hand to stop him.
"You are safe, I am here, I am sorry you feel you don't want to be here anymore, but Buck I want you and so does Christopher." The mention of Chris seemed to calm Buck who sits back placing his hands over his face.
"Eddie… I know that's what you want, but honestly I don't know if I do, with everything that's happened to me and continues to happen it's not fair for me to keep putting you through this." Buck lets a sob out.
Eddie sits on the bed rubbing his hand up and down Buck's arm letting him know he's there. How could he miss that Buck was feeling this way. He should have done more to make Buck feel wanted.
"Mi amor, I wouldn't want you to go anywhere, you make me a better person, my jin to my yang. I've just got you and mean the way I wanted us to be for so long so I'm in this for the long haul." He feels Buck run his hand on his arm and looks at the man who was still sniffling.
"But we will never be safe. He is out there." The fear in Buck's eyes made Eddie's stomach turn.
"I know, but you're safe with me, Athena will be out hunting him with the rest of the LAPD, but if you really don't feel safe we could go away for a while.. that's if you want." Eddie asks, changing the question, remembering what Bobby said.
He watches as Buck seems to think but starts to cough, Eddie grabs the water to the side and passes it for Buck to take a sip, after he does Eddie places the cup back down on the side.
"Where would we go?… that's safe?." Buck questions looking round the room avoiding Eddie's eyes.
"My cousin's ranch in texas. We would tell Bobby, Athena and Maddie and no one else oh and Carla can't forget her, that way no one would know where we are." Eddie explains.
"That sounds wonderful and I know Chris will want to go as he always goes on about riding a horse." Buck starts to say.
"Hey this is for you not anyone else, understand we only go if that's what you want to do." Eddie explains linking his fingers inbetween Buck's hoping the other man will tighten his hold.
The tears roll down Eddie's cheek as he feels the grip round his fingers tighten and looks at Buck who gives him a soft smile.
"I've been an…" Buck starts to say something and Eddie knows what is coming so cuts him off.
"You are not an idiot, we all get to that point."
They smile at each other but before either could say anything a nurse walks in.
"You're awake Mr Buckley, good, I will go get the doctor." She smiles before walking out. It then dawns on Eddie what is coming once the doctor arrives and it scares him, he didn't want Buck to feel he was being forced into anything he didn't want to do.
"What's wrong?"
"Just I know the doctor will want to talk to you about what happened… I don't want to lose you." Eddie says and looks at Buck who seems to be in shock.
"Eddie, I… I'm sorry, I was such a fool, I just wanted a way out that I could control, but seeing that fear in your eyes I realized I was wrong." Buck states leaning forward to pull Eddie in for a hug.
Eddie was confused, Buck had just done a complete 180 flip on him, from questioning why he would save him and him wanting to die, now he was apologizing. Eddie was lost. But holding Buck in a hug made it all disappear for now anyway.
"Mr Buckley, glad to see you awake." A voice by the door makes them both look up, as the doctor enters alongside him a woman with a clipboard.
"Hi." Buck responds, pulling apart Eddie can see that Buck has closed himself down and it hurts him to see the man he loves do that.
"How are you feeling?." The doctor asks.
"I'm ok, just tired and sore." Buck states his eyes darting between the doctor and the woman.
"I can imagine, this is councilor Riley, she wants to speak to you." The doctor explains and Eddie shifts a bit.
"Ermm, I don't know, can Eddie stay?." He questions.
"I would rather speak alone for a bit and then Eddie is more than welcome to come back in, he can stand outside so if it gets too much he is close." She explains.
"It's fine, I need to call Abuela and let Chris know everything is fine. If you need anything just let me know I'll be right outside the room." Eddie explains moving over to Buck and placing a kiss on his forehead.
"I'm so glad you're here." Eddie says before walking out the door.
Buck felt a flush come over him, he never had Eddie down as a emotional person in front of people, behind doors and alone he knew he was but in front of people he was a wall, but seeing and hearing Eddie be emotional in front of a random person made Buck feel so special.
The doctor quickly checks Bucks vitals and leaves, explaining that they will be back later.
"It seems like Eddie really likes you, how are you feeling Evan?." She asks, making Buck look at her.
"Feel a bit groggy, my stomach hurts and my throat burns a little bit." He says, grabbing his glass of water to take a sip, he knew what the question was really aimed at.
"Evan, we both know what I meant by the question. So how are you really feeling?." She asks as she moves the seat to be able to see him as she sits.
"I've done this already with a therapist." Buck explains, knowing he was going to have to repeat it all and he couldn't be bothered.
"That you may have, but I'm not that therapist so I don't know what's happened, only what you tell me, so why not humor me." She says smiling at him.
Buck looks round and sees Eddie in the window, his back is to them and is on the phone, he's smiling and it's the smile he knows all too well, Chris was telling him about something fun he had done.
"I feel… the longer im around the more hurt I cause, everything I do even if i think its best thing to do always sees to hurt people, I have no control and even when I try take control I can't even kill myself properly." Buck lets it out.
"Why do you feel you hurt people?." Buck looks at the doctor, he for sure was expecting her to question the whole trying to kill himself first.
"I mean look at Eddie and Chris, my bad choice of falling for someone got Chris put in hospital with a head injury and Eddie got shot, not to mention the mental scars left on them from what they saw me go through, and don't get me started on the lawsuit which is the main reason this all happened."
"Ok, let's look at the bad choices." He notes how she air quotes as she says bad choices. "Why do you feel the lawsuit was a bad choice?."
"Because it hurt my family, all I wanted to do was get back to them and be with the people I love and I was stopped, then it brought him into my life and took away everything." Buck states and he could feel the tears roll down his face.
He watches as the councilor grabs a few tissues and passes them to him.
"But when you started the lawsuit you didn't know what would happen, no one can predict the future, we can only act in the present, which you did, you wanted to be with the people you cared for, did you speak to them before you went for the route of the lawsuit?"
"Yeah, I spoke to Bobby at his about coming back and that's where i was blindsided that they were stopping me coming back even though I jumped through all the hoops, I felt everything that I had worked on to get me back was been disregarded and I wasn't even asked I was been told it was happening, the only way I could control my future was the lawsuit." Buck explains and lets out a yawn . "Sorry."
"It's fine, I would be more worried if you weren't tired, but let's shift our focus on why you feel you have no control and more importantly why you feel you fail when you try to, if that's ok with you?."
"To be honest, I'm really tired, could we do this later, if you don't mind." Buck explains, he knew talking was something he needed to do, but all he wanted was to rest and have Eddie close, the guilt of what he had tried to do was building but at same time he didn't want anyone to suffer because of him again.
"We can do that, but have a think about what we've spoken about. I will be back later today. It was nice talking to you Evan."
"Call me Buck, and yeah it was nice. Thank you." Buck lied, it wasn't nice but he knew the system.
He watches as they leave and sees Eddie turn and walk to the door but is stopped and then the door closes, Buck can see their talking and knows she is explaining certain parts of what was spoken about and most likely her concerns especially when Eddie pulled that sad look he does. Grabbing the glass of water he takes a sip and the door opens and Eddie smiles at him and gives him a simple smile.
"So, what did you talk about?, I mean if you want to tell me?." Eddie asks, Buck couldn't understand why he would ask that when he just spoke to the councilor.
"I mean it was mainly about the lawsuit, she wanted to talk more.. well you know what, but I said I was tired, but I guess you knew that as I saw you speak to her literally outside seconds ago." He knew it sounded harsher than he wanted it to, but he wasn't going to lie to not again.
"Mi amor, all she said was not to push you into talking." Eddie explains.
"Oh please, I saw the sad look you gave her and that conversation was a lot longer than what you just…" Buck is cut off by Eddie grabbing his hand.
"It wasn't about you, it was about me." Eddie blurts out, and Buck is now confused. "She wants me to arrange talking to someone about your… well the reason you're here." Buck listens but is still confused as to why she wanted Eddie to talk to someone, the pain medication was making him feel woozy, his eyes were starting to close.
"I don't… understand." He mumbles out.
"Rest, we can talk about it when you wake up. I love you." Eddie says, as he watches Buck fade to sleep.
Eddie watches Buck sleep for a while, the conversation running through his mind, mainly Buck thinking he was lying to him, he knew there were trust issues after everything Buck went through but still it hurt when they surfaced. His train of thought is shaken when there is a knock on the door and he sees Maddie.
"Hey, is he asleep again?." She questions.
"Yeah, he was awake but the medication made him sleepy."
She nods towards the door and Eddie takes it as a hint that she wanted to talk, and not to disturb Buck. He quietly rises out of the seat and they head out the door, he makes sure to position himself at the window so Buck is in view.
"How is he?" Her voice did not hide the fact she was nervous.
"Physically he will be fine, mentally it's going to take some time, he started speaking to a Counselor but got tired, and then he thought I'd lied to him. But I didn't, it's because the Counselor wants me to talk to someone, but I don't need to." Eddie explains
"You do Eddie, you may think it hasn't affected you but it will, you found Buck and that will leave scars, even if it's just one session please speak to them. I guess we all will have the trust issues with Buck and they will appear more now. We just have to take our time and support him." She says placing a hand on Eddie's arm as he looks at Buck.
"I know, it's just until Chase has been put away for good he will always be on edge. I suggested that I take him to my cousin's ranch in Texas. He was apprehensive but I explained that only you and Bobby and Athena oh and Carla, would know where we had gone." Eddie says smiling.
"What did he say?."
"At first he was worried about Chase, but after saying only you three would know he perked up and then did the Buck thing and started rolling off what Chris could do while we were there." Eddie chuckles.
"Sounds about right for him, at least it's something for him to focus on other than Chase and gets him away from LA for a while. Look why don't you get home see Chris maybe bring him in so Buck can see him, I will sit with him." Maddie states.
"But.."
"No but's go, he has me it will be fine I promise." Maddie cuts in.
"Fine, but only for an hour, and I'll bring Chris cheer them both up, I won't hear the end of it if I don't." Eddie says smiling.
Maddie nods and they go back in the room, Eddie grabs his things and places a kiss on Buck's forehead before he heads out, he looks back at Buck, besides Chris he was his world and he was going to make sure he kept him in it. He couldn't face seeing Buck like when he found him after the attempted suicide. He shakes the thoughts away and heads to the carpark and makes his way home.
Walking through his door he was glad to hear the voice of Carla reading, it sounded like it was another Harry potter book. He quietly crept past the living room hoping he could just get five minutes.
"Dad, you're back, how's Buck? When can I see him?." The question makes Eddie jump slightly, he swears his son has an ability to detect when his dad walks by no matter how quiet Eddie is he's always caught.
"Well that's why I came home, I'm gonna take a quick nap and then clean up, then we will go pack a bag, but you have to promise to be quiet if Buck is asleep, ok?."
"I will do dad, promise." Chris replies.
"Why don't I go get you a juice box, don't change the page." Carla smiles before getting up signaling Eddie to follow.
"How is he?." Carla questions as she rummages through the cupboard.
"Surprisingly upbeat, we spoke briefly and I mentioned about the trip to Texas which seemed to help, then he spoke to a Counselor it seemed to go ok, she suggested I speak to someone." Eddie explains trying to avoid the look Carla was no doubt giving him.
"Eddie you do need to talk to someone, you found Buck pretty much dead from him trying to take his own life, it may not affect you yet but that sort of thing especially when it's someone you love will come back to haunt you if you don't talk it through. I'm sorry but this is something I can't sugarcoat and won't, I nearly lost Buck too, we are a dysfunctional family and I for one won't let anything else happen to it." Carla states arms crossed.
Eddie loved Carla for her bluntness with him and it did hit home he needed to do it. He opens his arms and pulls her in for a hug. Once they break she smiles at him.
"I will call Frank to try to get in asap, before we hopefully go to Texas. I just hope the hospital is satisfied with Buck's mental state. Right, I'm going to nap and wake up in an hour?, and then I'll get ready to go back." Eddie asks.
"Yeh, go rest up, you need to look after yourself. Buck will be fine, but it's something you can't push or rush. It takes as long as it takes, the hospital will want to make sure he is ok. Look, go to bed and we can talk more."
Eddie sighs and heads to his room, looking in the mirror he could see the wear everything was taking on him. He moves round the room shedding his shirt and walks into the ensuite and strips completely, he turns the water on and quickly showers, once washed he dries himself and slips a pair of sweatpants on climbs into the bed setting an alarm for a twos ahead. Knowing Buck would panic if he wasn't there even though Maddie was with him. Rolling over he closes his eyes and lets the rest take over him.