Chapter One Hundred Four
Alex let out yet another sigh when she noticed the tears threatening to spill from Lorna's eyes but them being refused by Lorna herself. Before she could say or do anything else, the teakettle whistled from the stove and she quickly went over to shut off the burner. She retrieved the kettle, carrying it over to the other side of the kitchen. Placing it on the countertop right below the cabinet where she kept all of the mugs, Alex reached up to open the very cabinet and took out three of them. All were set down right next to the steaming hot kettle.
She stood there for a moment, eyes staring blankly down at the three mugs she just placed on the countertop, and exhaled deeply. Attention was swiftly shifted back onto Lorna once she'd turned away from the counter. "You look so tired, Lorna. Why don't ya go rest on the couch, yeah? I'll get you a cuppa tea fixed up and bring it in in a minute. I'll bring you a blanket, too, ya must be freezing still from running out in that chilly weather," she stated in a firm voice, making sure it was clear to Lorna there was no negotiating about it.
Not having the energy to put up a fight over it, Lorna sighed a defeated breath and abided by the request that was made. When she came back through to the living room and sunk down onto the cushion of the sofa, she finally realized how accurate Alex's comment was. Her eyes suddenly grew heavy and it proved to be quite a chore to keep them open. Naturally with her eyes involuntarily shutting, she felt her head leaning over until it landed right on the cushion of the armrest. The only sound she heard was the oddly calming clanking of Alex's slippers against the tiled-floor in the kitchen.
By the time Alex returned with the tea and blanket, Lorna had been near the brink of sleep. Something she found utterly surprising. The second she felt her body being wrapped in said blanket she forced her eyes open to see Alex slightly hovering above her.
The cup of tea was set on the end-table beside the sofa before Alex placed a hand gently onto one of Lorna's shoulders. "You're allowed to sleep. You look exhausted, sleep would actually be good for ya. I can warm your tea back up, it's not a big deal," she softly assured her, giving a comforting pat to the shoulder she had her hand resting on.
"I'm fine," Lorna shook her head while pushing herself to sit up so she didn't end falling asleep again. Sleep sounded so good but she couldn't allow her body what it needed. Fuck no. She deprived herself of anything and everything her body begged for—why wouldn't sleep be added to that ridiculously long list? A headache gradually formed and she instantly raised a hand to her temple, rubbing at it quite sharply.
A reflective head shake was given from Alex not more than a second later. The word fine seemed to be the dominant word in Lorna's vocabulary she was beginning to learn today. A word that certainly hadn't accurately described what exactly Lorna was. "You don't look fine, Lorna. And ya sure aren't acting fine," air erupted from her lungs and she released her hand from Lorna's shoulder. "Lay back down; you need to rest. Stop fighting yourself so much, kid. It's not doing ya any favors. All that's accomplishing is causing you more grief and by the way you're rubbing at your forehead it looks like it's givin' you a headache too, yeah?"
"I don't care." The statement grunted out of a clearly disgruntled Lorna.
"That's obvious," Alex agreed, a frown forming on her face. She sighed and sat down on the sofa beside Lorna, turning around to face her directly. Hands were slightly thrown up in the air. "Why don't you care about yourself, Lorna?"
Lorna scoffed at what she felt was the absurdity of such a question. She folded her arms defensively over her chest and positioned herself so that her legs were resting straight ahead of where she sat. Eyes stared right across at the blank television screen unswervingly in her line of view from the direction her head was facing. "Who the hell said I don't care about myself? That's not true at all," she muttered bitterly despite knowing that was exactly the truth. She didn't care about herself, not one bit.
"You don't need to say so for me or anyone else to figure it out, kid," the black-haired woman softly pointed out. A snuffle was sucked in through the nostrils of her nose. She turned her head, looking at Lorna with much softer eyes now. She replaced her hand on Lorna's shoulder once again, hoping to get her to turn her head so that they were both staring in the same direction. "If ya truly cared about yourself then you wouldn't constantly be battling with how you truly feel. You wouldn't say you're okay when it's obvious you're not. I mean right now you look like you could pass out from how fatigued you are but you won't just let yourself lay down and rest, will ya?"
"That's a bunch a horse shit. I'm fine, there ain't nothin' wrong with me other than the fact that I fucking repel my own girlfriend. I couldn't even give her an orgasm right—I don't deserve to take care of my own stupid needs when I can't make Nicky happy—"
"Lorna, that's insane. And untrue," Alex interrupted without a second longer of hesitation. Instinctively, she wrapped an arm around Lorna's shoulder and brought her a bit closer. "The last damn thing Nicky is is repelled by you. For fuck's sake, kid, she loves you more than she loves herself and clearly the same goes for you…You love her way more than ya love yourself—hell, do you even love yourself at all, Lorna?"
The air began to feel less airy. Lorna struggled to take in a decent sized breath. A breath that would actually be sufficient rather than one that would only keep her from breathing normally. It was as though someone had been covering her mouth with a pillow—not so tight she couldn't breathe at all but tight enough that breathing took a drastic amount of effort. Like she had been running during a heatwave; she couldn't properly take in a big enough breath. Struggling the way she happened to be, she forcibly pushed herself out from under Alex's grasp and off of the sofa entirely.
There was no plan. Lorna stood hovering over the spot she had previously been sitting completely at a loss for what to do. Running out of the front door would be nothing short of stupid seeing the sun was merely wholly down the horizon now. And she surely wasn't about to call the Chapmans to go back to that hellhole of a house. But staying here meant she'd have to answer questions she really wasn't fond of nor exactly ready to answer. No matter which way she looked at it she was in a lose-lose situation.
Fortunately—or possibly unfortunately—her inner battle was temporarily halted by Nicky's finally entering through the room from the archway of the hallway. When Lorna turned her head to stare at her, she realized it was rather the unfortunate side. Nicky stared back at her with nothing more fierce than her big brown soft eyes full of lung-crushing compassion. The sight only continued to escalate the breathlessness Lorna felt. She couldn't figure out a clear path out of this grave she somehow managed to metaphorically bury herself in.
She desired strongly to run through that damn front door but had to keep reminding herself there was no point in following through with that. It would really only fuck things up even more for her. Pile on more dirt in her nearly covered grave. She swallowed a thick wad of saliva which had been gradually forming at the tip of her mouth and shifted her feet impatiently against the wooden floor beneath them. There truly wasn't a way out. She'd have to stay put and come up with answers to whatever questions the two others' squandered up.
The room was eerily quiet Nicky instantly noticed upon walking in. Eyes darted from the apparent concern expression etched on Alex's face over onto Lorna, who's face was once again too indecipherable for Nicky to read. She crossed her arms over her chest unintentionally mirroring Lorna's stance. "What's going on in here? Lorna, why are ya standing there like you're planning to escape a prison cell?" Eyebrows arched ponderously above her two brown eyes that hadn't faltered even the slightest from Lorna's.
Lorna dug her teeth harshly into the flesh of her tongue. Damn Nicky for having such a knack for making jokes…even if they weren't supposed to be taken as jokes. The longing to snicker was there but Lorna avoided it by digging her teeth harder into her tongue. It wouldn't be a joke for long though—if she kept away long enough from her foster 'family's' house she'd end up trapped in a cell…a cell in the children's prison. And who knew? Maybe she'd stand in that cell exactly how she was standing now in front of the sofa. Plotting how the fuck to escape it.
"Well, Lorna refuses to take care of herself and I guess she's upset with me for pointing out the truth to her," Alex responded when Lorna chose to stay silent. Air huffed from her mouth shortly after. She crossed a leg over her other, resituating herself in a more comfortable position.
That didn't come as a surprise to Nicky in the slightest. Lorna was notorious for not taking proper care of her well-being and Nicky knew that fact better than anyone. She turned to look at Lorna, sighing at the rather faint tear marks that stained her pale cheeks. "Come here, kid, come sit with us. We need to talk. You need to tell us about earlier, yeah? Remember?" Nicky waved a hand for the brunette to join her on the couch but it landed on deaf ears—or preferably blind eyes.
Shaking her head faintly, Lorna refused to look back at Nicky or Alex. Instead she remained where she was and fixed her gaze on the pattern of the wood on the front door. The front door she wanted so badly to escape through right then and there. Air accumulated in her lungs and roared noisily out of her mouth when it became too much for them to bare. She bit down on the inside of her cheek and, without warning, a violent sob tore through her body—innately forcing a vicious shake out of her.
Not another second went by before Nicky was making her way over to Lorna and gently grabbing a hold of one of her hands which she used to lead her back towards the sofa with. She sat down on one of the cushions and then carefully brought Lorna down on it as well. Arms now encircled securely around her waist pulling Lorna to sit on the top of her lap. She nuzzled her chin upon the top of her head, lovingly tucking it into the crook of her neck.
"It's okay, doll, you're allowed to be upset and cry. You don't have to constantly stop yourself from feeling what you feel," her voice warmly murmured into the ear her mouth was delicately pressing against the rim of. Fingers combed soothingly through thick strands of Lorna's brown hair. She moved her mouth a slight amount and stroked it comfortingly onto the flesh of her cheek. "You're safe—you're safe here to tell us what's going on. You don't have to be afraid to open up about what happened today. I'm here for you, baby, and Alex is too. I promise. You can trust her like ya trust me."
Her head naturally resting on Nicky's shoulder, Lorna slightly twisted it to glance over at Alex. Sure Alex was a close a friend to her and proved to be rather trustworthy, yet, Lorna still hadn't felt safe sharing personal matters around more than just her siblings and sometimes Nicky. Hell, it remained a challenge for her to even let Nicky in on those personal issues most of the time. So, now, opening up about the day's events to both Nicky and Alex seemed utterly terrifying to her.
There was a noticeable skepticism shining through Lorna's eyes Alex picked up on rather easily upon returning her gaze. She scooted closer to both her and Nicky, reaching a hand across to place comfortingly onto Lorna's shoulder. "Nicky's right, you don't have to worry about talking about whatever it is in fronta me. You're both my best friends and I'm here for the two a ya, always. I wanna help you, too."
Despite Alex's reassurance sounding rather sincere Lorna still felt vastly uneasy with the idea of discussing her day in front of the both of them. Legs shifted back and forth where she sat. She swallowed and bit down cautiously on her tongue while busying her hands with a loose string she noticed on the pajama pants she was wearing. "Do ya really wanna get thrown in my messy life too? I hate pulling people into the hole with me…I already have Nicky drowning—I just don't wanna keep adding more—"
"You stop that talk right now, kid," Nicky sternly interrupted, taking both of Lorna's cheeks delicately into her two hands. Thumbs warmly stroked around the flesh of each one. Eyes melded compassionately into Lorna's. A sigh expelled from her lungs when she noticed the faint shame oozing out of them. The sight only had her thumbs stroking more—softer—around her cheeks. "You haven't pulled me into anything, Lorna. I want to fucking be here for you—I choose to be with you and help you through your problems. Ya haven't forced me, stop talking like ya have."
Lorna swallowed saliva and held up a hand, "But—"
"But nothing," Nicky shook her head and inched her face closer until her lips were lightly touching over Lorna's nose tip. Another sigh was exhaled through her nose as she continued to softly stare every inch of her girlfriend's features over. Eyes caught a glimpse of a loose hair strand and she traced a thumb towards it, tenderly pushing it out of the way. "The problem is you don't think you deserve anyone's support or help; isn't that right, baby?" She murmured while staring intently down into Lorna's eyes.
It certainly was the truth. Lorna didn't even need to ponder over her girlfriend's comment. But she wasn't about to admit that aloud. Admitting it meant she was giving into the idea that she needed help. That she needed people outside of herself to aide her through the molehills she created for herself. A task she was not at a point where she was ready to commit to it. If she did suffice and give in to allowing the people who cared for her to help her she knew that also meant she was accepting the fact that she was weak—that she couldn't work through her issues alone and she wasn't at a point where she wanted to accept anything of the sort.
A heavy breath pushed through her airway as she continued messing with the string she found on her pants. Shoulders shifted up near the sides of her face while she gradually darted her eyes between Nicky and Alex. Both had the same concerned expression etched on their respective faces which only tightened a pang in Lorna's chest to observe. All she did was cause the people around her to fret and worry over her and she wasn't even worth anything. Not a single cent. It was beyond her why anyone would care for her the way Nicky did or Alex or hell—even her older siblings. She couldn't figure out why they all cared so damn much for a person as useless as she happened to be.
Alex used the silence to grab her cup of tea from the coaster it was sat on on the coffee table. She brought it to her mouth, sipping it slowly. When she finished and replaced it back down, she fixed her stare on Lorna and Nicky once again. There was clearly an inner battle going on inside Lorna's head by the look displayed on her face. That much she could tell without any issue. She shifted her eyes slightly onto Nicky who hadn't stopped staring at Lorna with that unrelenting volume of worry oozing from her face.
"I can understand how hard it is to open up about your life to people—I don't do that very often, myself, Lorna," Alex blurted out, her eyes staring at the brunette now. She drew in a breath. "But it might make ya feel a little better to talk to us. At least why not let Nicky know how ya feel about the shower incident, yeah? Communication is an important part a being in a relationship."
The comment brought forth both a chuckle and a fiercer wave of concern over Nicky. Her arms immediately secured themselves around Lorna, pulling her as close as she could possibly have her. "Damn, Vause, are you a couple's counselor now? Ya sure sound like one—you have a lotta options for professions," she playfully told her, lips slightly curving into a smirk. But, just as swiftly as the smirk appeared, it dissipated twice as fast. Nicky's light-hearted demeanor quickly transformed into a serious one.
Eyes focused now down onto Lorna's face, observing every inch of it with a searing intensity. The smirk once displayed was now a frown. She stroked her thumb tenderly from one side of her cheek to the other. "Babe, are you still stressing over what happened in the shower?" Lips slowly pressed onto the flesh of her forehead while she kept her hands framed softly around her face.
A lump melded into the back of Lorna's throat. Maybe that conversation was better to start with than the event with the CPS lady and the Chapman's she thought. Her head gradually nodded up and down as she shifted her eyes away from Nicky's. There formed a slight pang of guilt in her chest to admit to that—she didn't want to make Nicky feel bad over the ordeal. But it had still perturbed her a faint amount not knowing the true reason Nicky had abruptly halted their love-making session. Receiving an answer for that might make the stressing and worrying fade away. Or that was what Lorna hoped would happen, anyway.
"I, erm, I just…I don't know," Lorna muttered, huffing out a sharp breath and slumping her arms against her sides. Eyes now fixed onto the wall directly in front of where she sat, observing each and every little paint stroke she could from the distance between them. Her lungs filled with even more air that came out of her without warning. She shifted her legs out of habit. "I did something wrong, didn't I? I had to, ya looked real upset after and there's no way it wasn't from what we were doing—or I guess what I wasn't doing?"
Sitting there on that sofa wasn't an option for Lorna any longer. Her body hand long grown restless, anxious. She needed to move about, keep herself occupied with walking rather than letting her mind become soaked with thoughts she didn't want to cycle through. She pushed up from the couch, using the armrest in doing so, and walked a few steps over to the other side of the end-table which separated the sofa from the recliner. The cup of tea she hadn't touched yet she picked up by its handle—looping her three middle fingers around it—and lifted it to her mouth for a sip. A sip she had desired to bring about some calmness over her but it hadn't done anything of the sort.
When she felt sufficed with the amount of liquid she drank, she removed it from her mouth but kept it looped with her fingers. Her feet took her around the room in a circular path, over and over as if each lap would magically erase the thoughts that plagued her mind. Wishful thinking but it did, at the least, keep her focused more on where she was placing her feet so she didn't end up tripping on something.
The redhead and black-haired best friends sat watching this from the sofa. Both let out subsequent sighs.
Nicky lifted a hand up and rested it on one of her temples. An ache slowly formed between the one she massaged her palm around and the one clear on the other side of her forehead. Her head was turned towards Alex and the pair shared a quick glance, she watched as Alex's shoulders recoiled upwards and sighed. Neither one of them knew exactly what to do in this situation was the conclusion she came to from that. With her eyes still on Alex, she was able to see when she stood and started walking nearer the archway into the kitchen.
However, right before she exited through it, she stopped and looked at Nicky. "Ya wanna cuppa tea, Nichols? Or coffee?"
"Coffee, please. I think the caffeine is needed more than tea," Nicky responded, giving a quick gracious smile before Alex nodded to her and disappeared into the kitchen.
Now that she was momentarily left alone with her girlfriend, Nicky's focus was all on the brunette. Empathy etched fiercely on her face the more she observed Lorna's disheartening behavior. She sat watching her pace a few more minutes before she had enough of it and got up after her. Her hands both reached out and placed themselves on either one of Lorna's shoulders, immediately halting her from any further pacing. Lorna jolted to a stop in front of her and Nicky's breath caught in her throat when she felt a slight flinch coming from Lorna's body.
Their eyes locked together and Nicky could see every bit of the pain she believed Lorna was experiencing—and also had been hiding from her for god-only-knew how the hell long. Her bottom lip inverted under her top one while she moved one hand away from Lorna's shoulder up onto the flesh of her cheek. Palm pressed softly into it, stroking delicately around it in the shape of a circle.
Lorna copied Nicky by sucking in her lower lip as well; she diverted her eyes slightly, deeming Nicky's stare a little too intense for her in that particular moment. A random cough escaped her mouth. She swallowed thickly to clear her airway of any obstructions. "I failed you," the comment breathily whispered out through her faintly tremoring lips. Eyes still hadn't returned their glance into Nicky's. She couldn't bare to see the expression on her face. Couldn't bare to see the disdain or disappointment Nicky had to have felt towards her.
Lines scrunched up on Nicky's forehead as she tried to comprehend what was just disclosed to her. Her throat cleared silently, but her hands both cupped around Lorna's cheeks now and she used them to gradually move Lorna's face back towards her own. She needed to look into her eyes and try to decipher her emotions, her thoughts. Something that would help her make sense of why the hell Lorna thought she had failed her. A statement that couldn't be further from the truth she deemed.
"Failed me?" The words repeated through her concern-inflected voice. Nicky's eyes squinted while peering into Lorna's. She saw Lorna meekly nod her head and she shook her own. Her palms pressed warmly into the skin of each cheek she cupped them around. "Why do you think ya failed me? I can promise you ya haven't. Not at all, doll," she murmured lovingly, leaning closer to Lorna so that her forehead overlapped Lorna's. The closeness between them made it rather simple for Nicky's lips to affectionately touch over the flesh of the tip of Lorna's nose.
The lump in Lorna's throat hardened and no matter how many attempts she made to swallow it down it hadn't ceased even a little. Nicky would never admit to something like the comment she had made to her—Lorna knew that. However, that hadn't negated the fact that her comment didn't have some amount of truth behind it. "Because, erm, Nicky…I didn't, uh, I didn't please ya right…I didn't make ya feel good like I shoulda and I am just not good enough for you," her voice sifted off at the end. Tears suddenly appeared running along her pale cheeks.
"Lorna, Jesus, Lorna," Nicky strengthened her arms around the smaller girl's waist to make sure she couldn't try to run away again.
She felt her chest tighten, her breath catching in her throat. Her own tears threatened to spill out from her eyes as she looked Lorna methodically over. She moved her thumb to where she saw Lorna's tears and lovingly stroked them away with it. Lips pressed once more onto her nose, then over onto her cheek and then her other.
A warm liquid spilled over, caressing along the flesh of her own cheeks alerting her that she was crying now also. She didn't care to stop or hide them from showing. If she wanted Lorna to allow her emotions out then it was only fair she did the same. Air came in through her slightly ajar mouth; Nicky closed her eyes for a second and then reopened them. They gazed compassionately into Lorna's, taking in as much of what she was feeling as was possible for them.
More air swarmed in through her mouth as she formulated the words to speak. "Lorna," she began again, lips resting over the rim of Lorna's ear. She placed her thumb behind it where a sparse strand of hair fell, curling it neatly around the ear. "You made me feel more than good, Lorna. Intensely good that was why I needed a cold shower. It wasn't because you were bad or not good enough—shit, doll, those are two things I would never even think about you," the words flowed out through a cracking voice. Nicky had to stop herself before she heaved out a sob.
Her eyes mixed with Lorna's and it caused a sharp pang to pierce through her chest seeing the deeply-rooted agony oozing from Lorna's. Saliva heavily coated her mouth which Nicky swallowed thickly down. It was obvious to her how much Lorna still suffered the aftermath of her uncle's abuse. Knowing that—concluding such a fact—it hurt Nicky, too. Lorna didn't deserve to feel the way she felt. She didn't deserve to have to constantly wonder whether or not she was good enough for the people around her. She shouldn't have to even think such thoughts—that shouldn't be what she was worried about right now. Or fucking at all.
There was a muffled sob which shook out of Lorna, one she tried to cover up with the sleeve of the shirt on her arm but Nicky shook her head and stopped her by taking a gentle hold of said arm and bringing it up to her lips for a soothing kiss. She looked softly down into Lorna's eyes, sighing and shaking her head once more. "You don't have to hold your emotions in anymore, Lorna. I'm not gonna ever judge you for crying. You need to let it out, baby, otherwise you'll never be able to really heal from this," she cautiously told her, taking her other hand and reframing it around Lorna's cheek. The tips of her fingers caressed delicately along the flesh underneath them.
"You're more than enough for me," Nicky continued, reaching her hand up slightly so that her fingers were stroking right below the skin of Lorna's teary eye. Her face inched closer and her forehead brushed comfortingly onto Lorna's. "Your job is not to please me, okay? You don't ever have to please me or make me feel good just to have my love. I love you for who you are, sweetheart, not because of anything you do or don't do sexually. I know you've been hurt and your uncle probably made ya believe that love is just sex but I promise you love has nothing to do with sex. Love is not about sex at all and I don't want ya thinkin' ya got constantly earn my love by being some sorta sex slave like I'm sure your uncle forced ya to be."
Nicky paused, taking in a deep breath while also pressing a tender kiss onto the flesh of Lorna's cheek. A sad smile morphed onto her face as she looked the younger girl over. There wasn't a sweeter person than her, she thought. Not a sweeter, more angelic, being than the brunette she held against her right now. A sigh exhaled from her airway. "You are not an object, Lorna, and I don't want ya to ever think that's what you are. Okay? You're a sweet, beautiful, loving human being and I love you so much. I don't just love you because you make me feel good during sex. I love how amazing of a person you are, how much you care and love everyone. I love how hard ya try to see the good in things."
Every part of Lorna's chest ached. Her heart pounded heavily inside her chest she thought it would fall out. Despite the warmth of Nicky's words, she shook her head and looked up at her. "If I'm not just an object, hon, then…why do the Chapmans get to decide that I'm donating my liver to my dad?"