Stay

by jaeger-soul

Dash Baxter is finally a senior and this year isn't supposed to be hard. With nothing waiting on him after graduation, he might as well sleep through his classes. He's already got a job after high school's over, why reach for more? He's fine with what he has. But when 'more' comes in the form of a black-haired boy with similar problems to his own, can Dash really not try for it?

86. Something To Be Said For Pushing Through

A/N: Warning for several on screen panic attacks, talk of abuse, on screen racial slurs, flashbacks, near car accident, and talk of general parental suckage including: abuse, abandonment, manipulation, and fear tactics.

Also prepare yourself, this is 47k cause I'm incapable of shutting the fuck up apparently

---

I wake before Danny. The sunlight's coming through the balcony doors when I open my eyes. It casts streaks of sunlight across the wooden floor, flecks of dust dancing in its wake.

Danny doesn't stir when I leave the bed. Last night sits heavy on my chest as I move around in our room, getting a hoodie from my suitcase. My clothes from last night are in a ball on the floor and I can barely look at them. I kick them under my suitcase as I pull on my hoodie, afraid of Danny seeing them. Of knowing that after we shared what we did, I had to scrub it off of me.

I don't know what that was about. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

I take a final glance in Danny's direction but he's still asleep. And I'm quiet as I move around in our room. I don't even know what time it is, my phone's still turned off. I carry it with me, waiting to turn it on until I've quietly left our room.

Someone's already awake — there's coffee in the pot on the counter and a spoon resting on a saucer. I step out of the kitchen and peek down the hallway just in time to catch sight of Nik slipping out the front door, coffee mug in hand. He's still in his pajamas so I don't think he's going further than the front porch. Even from that brief flash outside, I can tell snow piled up overnight.

I pour coffee into a mug I find in the cabinet by the coffee maker, stirring slowly as I add in creamer pods and sugar. It doesn't taste as good as the coffee Alex buys but it's not bad. I move through the kitchen over to one of the windows, staring out at the white snow blanketing the ground.

It's so bright out that my own face keeps reflecting back at me on the glass. And it only reminds me of last night, of catching sight of myself in the mirror. The bullet hole opening up in my forehead.

My breath sticks in my throat and I move away from the window. There's a part of me that wants to get in my car and go home, pretend this trip never happened. Pretend Danny and I didn't do what we did and that… and that I'm not desperately terrified of Dad somehow finding out about this.

I move down the hall and step into my shoes before I even think it through. But I don't think I can be alone right now and… Nik said he wanted anyone to talk to him if they needed to.

He looks up when I step outside, his phone to his ear. No doubt talking to his dad. My heart twinges at that and I almost change my mind — almost go back inside. But Nik says something in Spanish before he ends the call with a quiet, "love you, too."

"Hey, morning," Nik greets, smiling as he lifts his mug to his mouth. "How'd you sleep?"

I lift my own mug to my mouth, the lie spilling from me easily. "Like a rock."

"Nice," he says, grinning before he sips from his mug.

"What about you?" I ask, the words barely off my tongue before a shaky breath escapes me.

His eyebrows draw together and for a few seconds, he doesn't speak. "I slept well." He watches me for a second longer before he asks it. "Are you alright?"

I nod, and the smile I force for him hurts somehow. Like my heart's begging me to stop betraying myself like this. Stop pretending I'm not hurting when I fucking am.

"Yeah, I'm fine. It's just f-fucking cold out here," I say, my stammer almost giving away the truth.

Nik watches me in silence, his eyes moving back and forth as he searches my expression. I think he can tell I'm faking this. Think he knows that I'm holding back — that I came out here for something.

"Okay… well, do you want to go inside?" he asks. He nods toward the front door when I stay silent. "Cause we can go inside. Blake showed me where the space heaters are."

I drop my stare from his and I watch the breath I let out rise from me like a cloud of smoke. He waits about a minute before he touches me, squeezing my upper arm gently.

"Come on. Let's go inside."

I grab his wrist before I can stop myself. Before I can convince myself that this isn't important.

"Can I ask you a question?" I ask, making myself look up at him. He nods, his eyebrows drawn down, and I let go of his wrist. My heart's pounding faster and faster, ringing in my ears. "A-About last night?"

I don't miss the upward quirk of his eyebrows, though he works quickly to disguise it.

"Yeah, of course," he says. He leans against one of the porch railings, bringing his mug up to his mouth. "What's up?"

I watch the steam rise from Nik's coffee, escaping into the winter sky before I drop my stare to my own mug. All of these thoughts that have been pounding into me since that night crowd at the front of my mind now — all desperate to get out of me. To land at Nik's feet and to hear him tell me that everything's okay.

"You… know what my dad's like, don't you?" I ask, not looking up at him.

"I gathered that he's made you suffer," Nik says, continuing at my silence. "I'm sure there's a lot you don't say about it. But you should know that whatever you want to say or ask me can stay between us."

I don't know how to phrase the question. How to make these broken words spill from me when he can only half understand them. And even though it terrifies the hell out of me, I know I have to tell him enough to make him understand. All the way.

"So it happened again right before Christmas. I-I… came home and my dad was… was being my dad." I turn my stare out to the snow-covered trees in the distance. It's hard to swallow past the lump in my throat. And I hate myself for the stinging that's already in my eyes.

I clear my throat roughly, try to cough out this feeling. It doesn't work. I'm not sure I expected it to.

"He uh… he did something that night that I haven't… no one knows about. Nobody but me and him," I say, my breath hitching at the end.

Nik stays silent and I try to cough the words out. But they won't come, and my hands are too shaky to hold my mug any longer. I set my mug down on the porch railing, the breath I let out climbing higher and higher into the sky.

"He was trying to… wanted me to tell him something a-and I… I wouldn't tell him."

The words are barely more than a whisper as they come out of me. And I want to stop, pack it in and tell him nevermind. But it's been over a month. And I'm still just as terrified as I was that night.

"He… put his… he put his…" I drag in a shaky breath. Make myself say it. "His gun. He put h-his gun to my… my forehead. And demanded I tell him. And I-I… told him… told him to shoot me."

Silence blankets the two of us for a few seconds and I think Nik starts to speak but now that I've said it, I can't stop the words flowing from me.

"I told him to shoot me, I told him that… and he… he almost did. And I haven't stopped thinking about it," I say, my breaths shaky as hell now. "And I know that I wanted it then a-and sometimes… fuck, sometimes, I still want it and I… I can't help but wonder if he'd just done it, if everything would have been better. If I wasn't here, if things would be better."

I look up at Nik but it's only for a few seconds. I can't handle the concern in his stare. A shiver races through me and I fold my arms over my chest, trying to lock in my own body heat.

"Does that… am I gonna… end up doing what you did?"

I can barely ask the question. Can't look at him after I've asked it. I don't want to know the answer but I need to. Need to know if I'm fighting a losing battle every fucking day.

"We all make choices that lead to one thing or another. And it sounds like you've… considered this for a while," Nik says. He waits a second before he lets out a breath. "The thing about suicide is that you can idealize it your whole life and never try anything. You can spend a long time wanting to hurt yourself and wanting to die and never actually attempt suicide."

I look up at that, at the hope that maybe these are just thoughts and maybe they'll go away on their own. But Nik continues, holding my stare as he stabs my hope right through the heart.

"And some people go through with it. Some people make a plan and tragically, it works," Nik says. "The difference between where you are now and where I was is that I was actively planning my death. Not just the suicide attempt itself but I made plans for what was gonna happen after my death."

My tongue's stuck to the roof of my mouth and I swallow to loosen it. "What do you mean?"

"I wrote a letter detailing things I wanted Derek to have and things I wanted my father to keep. I gave away some of my shit, donated a lot of it. I turned in my assignments early and cleaned out my locker. And then I went to the hardware store and I bought rope. Two weeks before the day," Nik says, letting out a breath as he finally drops his stare from me. "For me, it was never spontaneous. I knew what I was doing and when I was going to do it. But some people do this thing on a random day with no prior planning and nothing in place for after they're gone. No warning signs either, one day they're just… gone."

He looks up at me at that, his eyebrows drawn down. "Based on what you're saying, I think… I think it's possible that you could be idealizing suicide. Which is… kind of the first step toward actually attempting it."

Fuck.

"H-How do I stop?" I ask, my gut twisting when he shakes his head.

"You gotta talk to someone. And not just someone who can sympathize like me but a counselor or a therapist. Someone that can give you the tools and resources you need to navigate this. To stop idealizing it."

I don't want to do that — I don't want to tell her and be taken to the hospital and—

"I-I can't do that," I say, my breath hitching in my throat. "She'll… my therapist is gonna… I don't want to be in the hospital like you were. I have stuff I'm supposed to do. I-I'm graduating in less than five months, I've got a college visit I'm supposed to do next weekend and I-"

"Dash, it's okay." Nik closes the distance between us, taking my hand in his. "Take a breath, okay? You're starting to hyperventilate. Deep breath in, come on."

I drag in a breath that shakes, my heart still hammering in my chest. Nik makes me do it twice more before he starts to talk.

"I was in the hospital because I'd planned my suicide and because I actually attempted it. You might be thinking about it but you're not planning anything." Nik squeezes my hand in his. "I mean, I'm assuming here that you're not planning anything. You're just kind of stuck wondering what would have happened if he'd pulled the trigger, right?"

Nik lets out a breath when I nod. "Okay. Do you feel like you want to die?"

I shake my head, bile rising in the back of my throat. "No, I-I don't want to die. I just… I don't want to feel this way anymore. I have… I-I'm finally away from him and he still… fuck, it's like he's not gone."

I meet Nik's stare then, watch as he nods, trying to understand. Fuck, he's not getting it.

He lets go of my hand when I pull away from him. I run my hands through my hair, sucking in a deep breath. "I want… to graduate. And to go to college. And be with Danny and not… not feel this way anymore. Not wonder… if everyone else's lives would have been better if my dad had pulled the trigger."

"I can tell you that no one's life would've been better without you. But… until you believe that, until you know for sure that it's the truth, you're never going to believe someone else's words." Nik gives me a gentle smile when I look up at him. "Talk to your therapist, okay? As long as you're not actively planning anything, she's not going to put you in the hospital."

I don't want to talk to her. But I want these feelings to go away and… Nik's on the other side of this now. Maybe he's right. Maybe talking about it is the only way to get over it.

"When did you… try this?" I ask.

"My suicide attempt?" Nik asks, letting out a breath when I nod. "Three years ago. I'd just turned thirteen and… didn't think I'd make it to fourteen. And now look at me."

He spreads his arms wide at that, a gentle smile on his face. He holds his arms out for a second or two before he drops them back by his side.

"I know this isn't what you want to hear but therapy can work. Well… that and for me, several medications my doctors had me try," he says, smiling when I meet his gaze. "You'll be okay. And in the meantime, I'm here when you need to talk."

I don't know that I'll ever bring this up again. I'm still not sure bringing it up now was the right move. I don't feel better — but… maybe I feel a little less alone.

---

We go inside together and sit at the dining room table. Nik's an expert at keeping things light but not shying away from the darker shit, either. We trade stories and his always have touches of his history, the anxiety and depression he talks about having is woven through his words without ever coming across as too much. Or too dark. I envy how easy he makes it look.

Jeff makes an appearance just before eleven but he disappears again with two mugs of coffee. It's not long after he returns upstairs that my phone rings, Alex's name on the screen.

I step outside and onto the front porch before I answer, shivering despite the hoodie I'm wearing. I should change my clothes when I go back inside — dress warmer. Maybe go for a drive.

"Hey, kiddo," Alex says when I answer the phone. "How's the cabin?"

My shoes leave tracks as I walk to the end of the porch, leaning my arms against the cold metal railing. "Good. How's… how've you guys been?"

"Good. Missed you at dinner last night though. Kendra wanted to video call you but I didn't want her to embarrass you."

Oh god. I nearly choke on the emotion that clogs my throat. Kendra wanting to call me is about the last thing I expected him to say. But it hits me square in the gut.

"I-I've missed you guys, too," I say, taking in a deep breath of the cold air to stave off any stupid tears. I talk just to keep myself from getting stupid and rambling on about everything I'm feeling. "This place is great though. We're surrounded by trees and it's all snowy and shit. Feels like we're on the top of a mountain or something."

"That's good. It sounds really peaceful. I'm glad you get to experience it," Alex says. "Have you been wearing your brace?"

The question's so unexpected, it takes me a second to understand what he's asking.

"My br— oh. No," I say, my face warming at the soft tsk he makes. "But I did take the new meds the doctor gave me. And I'm gonna take them again today."

"Well… that's good. But you need to wear your brace, too, okay? Promise me you'll put it on today?" he asks and my face is definitely on fire now.

I let out a breath, trying to cool the heat on my face. "Yes, okay. I'll wear it."

"Good. Have you been in any pain?" he asks, continuing when I say no. "That's great, I'm really glad to hear that. I'm glad you're enjoying your trip. Are your friends enjoying themselves, too?"

I palm the back of my neck, thinking of Nik's experience at the club last night. How cagey Blake's been since the moment we came up here. I don't think anyone's hating being up here but… I don't know. But I don't want to worry Alex.

"Yeah, I think they're all having fun," I say, kicking snow off the porch and watching it fall to the ground below the railing. A shiver races through me and I let out a breath. "I'm gonna go rejoin them but I can call you tonight before I go to bed?"

"Okay, yeah, that sounds good. Is it okay if Kendra says hi when you call?" he asks, letting out a breath before he continues. "And is it okay if it's a video this time? She's really set on that."

That makes me smile despite the weirdness I still feel in my gut. "Yeah, that's cool. I'll talk to you guys then."

"Okay, bye Dash. Have fun," Alex says and I tell him bye before I end the call and head inside again.

It's too cold and I need to stop thinking. I need to go for a drive. So I dodge the kitchen, taking the steps two at a time up to the bedroom. I open the door as quietly as humanly possible. Danny's still asleep so I grab some clothes and my brace, changing in the bathroom across the hall instead of ours.

When the brace is on my wrist again, I snap a picture for Alex, sending it along with an emoji with the tongue sticking out. I pocket my phone, nerves racing through me like wildfire. I just want to go for a drive and forget about everything for a bit. I'll come back later. Talk to Danny then.

I leave my clothes outside our bedroom door and descend the staircase again, trying to remember where I left my keys. I thought I hung them up next to Jeff's when we came home from the club last night but they're not there.

My phone vibrates with a text from Alex and I check it when I've confirmed they're definitely not in the entryway. It's just a thumbs up emoji and a heart. It makes me smile but it doesn't ease the anxiety swirling in my gut. I definitely need to go for a drive.

"Looking for something?" Nik asks from the dining room table when I retrace my steps back in there.

"Yeah, have you seen my keys?"

He looks away from me, his gaze searching the table before he looks up. "No, I haven't. Did you take them to your room?"

"No, I thought I hung them up next to Jeff's but they're not there," I say and Nik follows me from the dining room back to the entryway. We pass by the living room on the way and I see Blake passed out on one of the couches. Before we hit the entryway, sunlight glints off something on the floor and I realize with a start it's my keys. On the floor. In… in front of Blake?

I stop in the entryway, giving a cursory glance toward the key hooks by the front door before I give Nik a shrug. "You know what? They're probably in my room." I nod toward the hallway. "And I think I heard someone come down the stairs. Could you make sure I didn't take the last of the coffee?"

Nik's eyebrows pull together but he doesn't ask me why. "Sure. Let me know if you can't find your keys."

He leaves me standing in the entryway and I wait until he's disappeared in the hall before I take the few steps into the living room. Blake's still asleep, his head lolled back over the armrest. His eyebrows are pulled together like he's frustrated even in sleep. I watch him for a few seconds before I snag my set of keys off the floor.

The little home charm with Kendra's nail polish heart on it is unmistakable. Why'd Blake take my keys?

He stirs on the couch and I almost want to wake him up, ask him what the hell he was doing with my car, but Nik calls my name from the kitchen. And I don't want to be that person that wakes him up to demand answers. He probably gets enough of that at home.

I leave Blake where he is and move down the hall and into the kitchen. I almost falter when I see Danny standing by the coffee pot with Nik. He's not in his pj's anymore, his hair damp. When he turns to look at me, I shove my keys in my pocket. I don't think I can trap myself in a car with him right now.

"Hey… I was wondering where you went," Danny says, closing the distance between us. He gives me a smile, leaning in for a kiss.

Hesitation nearly flairs to life in me. After what we shared last night, I almost don't want to kiss him. Almost pull back.

I meet his lips, trying to make up for the momentary hesitation with a longer kiss. But he pulls away and I catch the slight frown he tries to hide. He's quick to smile and it almost makes me wonder if I imagined the brief frown.

"What do you want to do today?" he asks, moving his hand down to hold mine.

Fuck, is there something wrong with me? He's smiling and happy and… and last night obviously meant more to him than it did to me. When Paulina and I were together, we'd do shit like that all the time. And it made me feel closer to her. We'd wake up in bed and be back at it again. But… last night was different with Danny. And I'm not sure why.

"I don't know. Haven't… really given it much thought," I mumble, leaning back from Danny. "I think I'll probably… go upstairs. Call Alex for a bit."

Nik's eyebrows pull together and he looks at me curiously but he doesn't say anything. Doesn't tell Danny that I've already spoken to Alex this morning. Doesn't tell him that I was just searching for my keys to get out of here for a little while.

Danny nods, that smile slipping from his expression. He lets go of my hand. "Well… okay. Maybe after you're off the phone we can start with breakfast? I can make you something - or we can go out." He looks to Nik at that. "Did Blake say if there's anywhere good to get breakfast around here?"

"I already ate," I lie, my coffee sitting like a rock in my stomach with the words.

Danny turns back to look at me, his eyebrows pulling together. "Really?"

"Yeah. Someone brought granola bars up," I say.

He holds my gaze in silence until I have to look away.

"Well… I'm gonna go… call him," I say, turning away from Danny. I go up the stairs and avoid looking at whoever's gathered outside one of the bedrooms.

I think I hear Jeff's voice as I pass by but I don't look up. I shut myself away in our bedroom. Sink down on the edge of the mattress and unlock my phone. Play a game as I try to keep my mind from wandering. Last night keeps coming back to me and I try to push it from my mind. But it's determined to stick around.

I try to pick apart the hurricane in my chest but it's not going anywhere. It's beating in time as I play level after level. Why didn't last night make me feel the way it's supposed to? Why'd I have to immediately wash the feeling of him from my skin?

Why didn't the first time we touched each other feel right?

---

I only stop the game when my phone's battery flashes at me. I take the time to plug up my phone and move around in the bedroom aimlessly — hoping that Danny's not waiting for me in the hallway. I don't know what I'll do if he wants to talk about last night.

He's not on the other side of the bedroom door when I check and I can't help but breathe a sigh of relief before closing it again. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way — why I don't want to see my boyfriend. Or why his touch sent me running last night.

I strip my hoodie off and flop down on the mattress again, staring up at the ceiling. The heater clicks off and the silence is deafening. I can hear people talking — loud conversation being shared. It's mixed with clinking of silverware and I guess everyone's eating breakfast. I should probably join them but… I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

My foot nudges against something when I kick it out and I look down to see my backpack leaning against the edge of the bed, my laptop peeking out of the top. I sit up and snag it from my bag listening to everyone downstairs laughing, their voices like a background hum as my computer powers on.

There's not much in my email account or on Facebook. But I need something to keep my mind busy, far away from the things in my chest I still haven't unknotted from last night. As a last resort, I open up a blank document on my computer and pretend I'm writing a paper.

Except this paper's about someone fictional. With fictional events… that are really just a poor disguise for the things that are actually happening to me.

It's like that day in the library — paragraph after paragraph spill from me and with every word I type, there's something soothing to it. Like I'm solving all the problems I thought I had. Page after page fills up and my stomach slowly untwists. My chest no longer aches and the panic that's coursed through me since last night has eased. It's not entirely gone but it's easier to breathe now.

I'm not sure how long I've been typing when Danny opens the door. Feels like it's been hours.

He looks toward me as he steps inside, flashing a smile my way. "Hey… what are you doing up here?" he asks, taking a step closer to the bed.

I minimize the document, the lie coming to me easily. "Nothing. Just browsing on Facebook."

"Ah. Anything interesting?" he asks, turning away from me as he moves across the room to his bag.

I bring the document up again, hitting save on it. "Not really."

Danny rummages around in his bag and I give my document a name, burying it among my English papers so no one else can find it. Not that anyone else uses my computer but… still.

"What are you doing?" I ask, closing my laptop and tossing it higher up on the bed. I have a feeling spewing random shit into that document's gonna happen again before this trip's up.

Danny rises from the crouched position he's in. "Some of us are about to play Cards Against Humanity." He shows me the black box with a grin. "Do you want to play?"

"Sure." I get up from the end of the bed, stretching my arms over my head. I follow him out of the room and onto the landing. "Who's playing?"

Danny starts down the stairs, talking as he goes. "A bunch of us. Star and Jeff left to pick up lunch — Mitch, too. But everyone else stayed and wants in on the game." He flashes the box toward me again, looking over his shoulder with a grin. "I know we sucked at Life yesterday but if they let us team up, we could totally cream everyone else."

I laugh at that and it stirs loose the remaining tension in me. God, I remember the last time we played this. Before I could touch him, call him mine. I can't stop myself from taking his hand in mine now and he looks toward me at my touch. I don't know what happened last night. I still want him. And right now, I don't feel any of that lingering fear.

"Missed you this morning," I say, earning a real smile from him now — the kind that squints his eyes into adorable half-moons.

He steps down onto the last stair before he pulls me in for a kiss. It's brief but it warms me instantly the moment his lips are on mine. Fuck, I did miss him. I don't know what last night did to me or us but… I want this right here. This easy kissing and knowing where I fit with him.

"Oi, lovebirds — get over here," someone calls from the table.

I break away from the kiss and I'm not surprised to see Dale grinning. Of course he'd be the one to say something. Fucking hypocrite.

"Like you're one to talk," I say, following Danny off the stairs and into the dining room.

Dale's expression is a picture of faux shock and I can't help but laugh.

"Why are we even letting you play?" I ask as Danny and I stop at the edge of the dining room. "You're going to be completely obnoxious without Mitch here to reel you in."

"Hey, I can be calm, cool, and collected," he says.

Blake laughs, hard, and earns a glare from Dale. "Dash is right. When do you ever cut the teasing without your boyfriend telling you to?"

My breath catches at the expression on Blake's face, remembering this morning. My keys on the ground in front of him. I should probably wait to ask him but… I don't want to.

"Shut up," Dale mutters, looking away from us as he tries to hide the grin on his face. He knows as well as we do that he's full of shit.

I pull my hand from Danny's, my voice soft when I speak. Meant only for him. "Give me a second." I shift my stare to Blake, still grinning at Dale. "Hey, Blake? Can you come here for a second? I've got a question about something in my room."

Blake looks toward me and I leave the dining room before he can say no. I only go as far as the living room before I stop and wait for him. A few seconds pass in silence before he appears at the end of the hall, walking the short distance to join me in the living room.

"The stairs are that way," he says, sliding his hands into his pockets and nodding toward the other end of the living room.

"I'm not going upstairs," I say, watching his eyebrows draw down before I continue. "I found my keys on the floor this morning. In front of the couch you were passed out on."

Blake's face colors instantly and he opens his mouth but nothing comes out. He closes it a second later, looking away from me with his eyebrows drawn down. "Did you drop them or something?"

What?

"No… you… didn't you take them?" I ask.

He shakes his head, looking back to me. His eyes are wide, feigning innocence. "No."

That's such a lie. If he didn't take them, who the fuck did? And why would they just happen to drop them on the ground next to where Blake was sleeping? That makes no damn sense. And he knows that makes no damn sense. But he doesn't back down and I'm so busy trying to figure out how to get him to be honest, I almost miss what passes between us.

Blake lets out a quiet breath. It shakes. His teeth chew his bottom lip. And the collar of his hoodie has shifted — showing off a mark on his neck that looks suspiciously like a hickey to me.

I saw his phone screen yesterday, a dating app open on it. Last night, he said that the club we went to was known for hookups. He didn't… did he—

"Did you go back to the club last night?" I ask.

His mouth opens and closes again. He shakes his head, his gaze not meeting mine anymore. And I know he's lying. It's so obvious that he's lying and I should call him on it and give him hell for taking my car in the middle of the night but… I don't. Cause the look in his eyes has just the slightest touch of fear. And I don't want to be the reason he's afraid.

I reach out to him, clapping my hand on his shoulder. "Alright, you know what? It doesn't really matter. It's fine, let's go play with the others."

Blake freezes, searching my expression for a second before I start out of the living room. He hesitates behind me long enough for me to get to the end of the hallway before I hear his quiet footsteps on the floor behind me.

We join the others at the table, Blake and I sitting opposite each other, and Danny's already got the cards out of the box. He shuffles them together, glancing around the table. His stare drifts between me and Blake for a second before he moves it to the rest of our friends.

"Alright, everybody knows how the game works, right?" Danny asks, setting the stack of white cards in front of him. "Nik, Derek — you guys have played this before, right?"

"Yeah, we have. And thank god my sister's not here to play with us," Derek says, looking to Nik with a smirk. "I can be trashier now."

Nik rolls his eyes. "Like you'd hold back even if she was here."

"Touche," Derek says with a laugh. He's got heavy bags under his eyes and his blinks are slow, like he might fall asleep if he keeps his eyes closed too long. He catches me staring, his eyebrows drawing together. "So… who's the card czar first?"

"I'll be it. I'll show you all how collected I can be," Dale says, sticking his tongue out in my direction before he looks to Danny. "Deal us a round."

Danny passes cards around the table before he nudges the stack of black cards toward Dale. "Alright, read your card."

He picks up a card from the pile, grinning as he starts to read it. "I'm not going to lie, I despise blank. There, I said it."

Across from me, Derek snorts immediately and slides a card down the table toward Dale. Kwan adds his to the pile next and Keith's quick to follow suit.

I'm the last one to add to the card pile and I don't think it's that good of an answer. But in my defense, my cards kind of suck.

"Alright, here we go. What do I despise?" Dale asks, shuffling the cards before he starts reading them out. "Opposable thumbs… Mathletes."

A laugh ripples around the table, save for Nik whose ears have turned pink.

"I was one when I was a kid," he says, his voice quiet on the confession. His hands have stilled around the bag of M&M's Derek's passed him.

Blake turns to him, his eyebrows raised. "You're kidding. I would've never guessed."

"He's much cooler now than he was back then," Derek says, grinning as Nik flushes darker.

"I also despise-" Dale calls out to be heard over everyone else. He continues when a hush falls over the table. "Child beauty pageants, an M Night Shyamalan plot twist, grave robbing, assless chaps, poor people, and dead parents."

He looks up at us with a disgusted expression on his face. "Wow, you guys went for this one. Okay uh… fuck, I don't know — I guess I'm gonna have to go with child beauty pageants."

"Really? That was a throwaway for me," Keith says, holding his hand out for the black card.

Dale hands it over before scooting the black deck closer to Danny. "Your turn."

Paulina reaches for the white deck at the same time I do, giving me a smile as she takes her card. I add another to my hand, looking to Danny when he reaches for the black deck.

Danny grins as he flips up the first card on the top of the deck. "Okay, this is a good one. And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for blank."

He sets the card face-up for everyone to see. It doesn't take me as long to pick my card this time but I really want to make Danny laugh. So I end up debating until I'm one of the last ones to add my card to the pile again.

"Okay, here we go," Danny says, gathering up the cards and giving them a quick shuffle. "Alright so, I would've gotten away with it if it hadn't been for… alcoholism, waking up half-naked in the Denny's parking lot, self-loathing, switching to Geico, vigorous jazz hands, Mr. Clean right behind you, having sex on top of a pizza, and an awkward boner."

We all laugh as Danny reads out the answers and the others are so hilarious, I'm surprised that he picks mine.

"Gotta go with self-loathing, that's fucking genius," he says, grinning as he looks around the table. "Who put this one in?"

Heat rushes to my face at the expression on Danny's when I hold my hand out for the black card.

"Really?" Danny asks, grinning as he hands the card over. "That's funny. Nice job."

I take the black card he holds out toward me with a mumbled "thanks" and pick one off the top of the deck, not looking at anyone as I read it.

"Mine says… this month's Cosmo: "Spice up your sex life by bringing blank into the bedroom," I read out, setting it face up in the center of the table.

Dale lets out a loud, barking laugh, sliding one down the table toward me. "Oh my god, dude. I'm sorry. I have to."

Great. I can only imagine what he's come up with.

Nik tosses one my way, the others slowly adding theirs. Paulina's the last one to slide one toward me and I gather them up, shuffling through them before I flip the first white card over.

"Okay, this month's Cosmo says to spice up my sex life by bringing blank into the bedroom. Answers are…" I nearly choke and I know it's Dale's fucking answer. "Praying the gay away. Really?"

Dale bursts out laughing when I look toward him, banging his fist against the table. He can barely talk between laughs. "You don't… know that that's… my card."

Please. Like it'd be anyone else's. I ignore him and return to the rest of the cards.

"Getting so angry that you pop a boner, an erection that lasts longer than four hours, sexy pillow fights, d—" I stop, nearly choking at this card, too. Who the fuck put this answer in there? I almost don't want to read it out cause it's pretty fucked up. And it's double fucked up that one of my friends would put this card in there. They know me. They know what the fuck I've been dealing with the past couple of months.

I clear my throat, trying to continue like I never paused at all. "Daddy issues, porn stars, a defective condom, and Viagra." I look up at the others. "Wow. Just… wow."

Blake's face has colored and I wonder if he's the one that threw that daddy issues card in there. But next to him, I see Nik elbow Derek who's not really looking my way. Huh… I guess I can't fault Derek if he's the one that tossed that card my way. He doesn't know shit about me.

"I feel like you knew you were gonna win," I say, holding out the black card toward Dale.

He grins, pumping his fist in the air as he takes it from me. "Yesss, I can't wait for Mitch to come home so I can brag about winning."

"You haven't won yet," Danny says, nudging the stack toward Nik. "Your turn to read a card."

Nik shoots a sympathetic look my way and I wonder if Derek really was the one to put that card in there. And I wonder if… if maybe I'm making a bigger deal out of it than it is. To someone else that might be funny. Maybe it should be funny to me.

"Okay… my card is how I lost my virginity," Nik reads, tossing it down on the table when he's read it. He drops a handful of M&M's into his mouth before he looks around the table. "Let's hear some good answers."

I'm the first one to throw a card his way and I know it's more than a little trashy but it makes me grin. I'm kinda hoping it'll make Danny laugh.

"I don't have anything good for this one," Dale groans, tossing a card down toward Nik. I slide it closer to him, and when everyone's added theirs to his pile, Nik gathers them up.

"Alright so, how I lost my virginity is… Ryan Gosling riding in on a white horse, Bitches, swapping bodies with mom for the day — okay, ew, that's disgusting." Nik looks up from the card but he's grinning. "Whoever added that one, your sense of humor is sick. Okay, last ones are - special musical guest Cher, Arnold Schwarzenegger, a team of lawyers, and Neil Patrick Harris."

"Okay, at least he's cute," Danny says, his cheeks tinging pink when I look to him. "What? He is."

"Do I know who that is?" I ask.

"He's How I Met Your Mother," Kwan calls from down the table. He makes a face when I stare blankly at him. "I made you watch it with me. Come on, he's a really attractive blonde guy."

"That sounds vaguely familiar," I say, looking to Nik in the silence. "What's your pick?"

Nik's got the cards spread out in front of him. He lets out a breath, shaking his head. "It's disturbing as hell but I've gotta go with the mom one. And I'm pretty sure that was you, Derek."

Derek grins at his name. "Of course it was me. Come on, give me the black card."

"You're the worst," Nik says, laughing as he tosses the black card toward Derek. He nudges the black deck toward Blake but his gaze is on Derek. "Ugh, thank god none of that's gonna be involved when I actually lose my virginity."

Blake looks at him at that. "What?"

Nik looks to him with a grin. "Well I mean, I guess I'd be cool with it if Neil Patrick Harris was involved with my first time."

"You've never had sex before?" Blake asks, a quiet breath leaving him when Nik shakes his head. "You're kidding."

"No?" Nik looks from Blake to the rest of us and back again. "Why's that such a shock? I'm only sixteen."

"Yeah, but I had it," Blake says, looking across the table at the rest of us. "Like right after I turned sixteen, I mean. And I'm pretty sure everyone else here had it by then, too."

"Are you kidding me? I railed Mitch as soon as he let me," Dale says, grinning at the noise of disgust Keith makes. "You jealous, Montgomery?"

Keith rolls his eyes. "More like sickened."

Nik pushes the black deck closer to Blake. "It's your turn to read a card."

Blake lets out a breath as he looks back toward Nik. His face is flushed as he draws a card. He doesn't read it, his gaze moving back to Nik again. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything, that's… it's none of my business."

"Nah, you're fine. I'm the one who made the joke." Nik shrugs before nodding to the card. "But come on. You read one and trade me a shocking secret in return."

Blake smiles at that, a quiet laugh escaping him as his gaze returns to the card. I hear Blake read out the prompt but I'm watching Nik. At the pink on his own face now, smiling as he watches Blake read.

I know Blake is changing and trying but… I can't help the way my gut twists at the interest Nik's showing Blake. He's a good person. And I don't know that it's right to even think it but I don't want Blake's first relationship after he's started to change to be with Nik.

---

We play for almost an hour before the others arrive home. They've brought back another round of those amazing sandwiches and I don't think I even breathe as I inhale it. God, I wish there was a deli like this in Amity Park.

Across from me, Blake picks at his food again. He's subtle about it but it catches Jeff's attention. And… Nik's this time. If he's picked up on us noticing, Blake doesn't let on. He covers the uneaten remainder with his wrapper, balling the whole thing up like it's trash.

"We need to make a run to the store later," Jeff says, his gaze following Blake when he leaves the table. "We've completely depleted the roadtrip snack food we all brought with us. And the stuff I got at the store yesterday."

"Damn," Keith says, looking up from his sandwich. "I thought we brought enough to feed an army."

Jeff shrugs, his gaze returning to Blake, watching as his sandwich is dumped in the trash again. "You should come with me. We can load up on candy and shit."

Blake lifts one shoulder in a shrug, crossing the room to the sink. He washes his hands and I watch as he dries them on a towel hanging off the front of the stove before he speaks. "Maybe."

"What do you want to do today?" Nik asks.

Blake's gaze leaves the kitchen and drifts over to the table again. "I don't know. I don't really care."

Jeff turns to look out the window, his eyebrows drawing together. His gaze catches mine but he's quick to look away. "Can we skate? I thought I saw a lake when we drove up yesterday."

"You did," Blake says, returning to the dining room. He doesn't sit again, his gaze out the window, too.

"You can skate on that?" Nik asks, frowning when Blake nods. "The ice doesn't look that thick."

"It is," Blake says, continuing when Nik doesn't look convinced. "My whole family used to be on the lake at the same time. And not just when I was young, as recent as two years ago."

Nik still doesn't look convinced but Jeff says he'll skate. And slowly around the table, everyone else chimes in to agree until Nik's the last one to agree.

"I don't think all of us brought skates," Danny points out, giving Blake an apologetic smile. "If there's a place we can go rent skates then-"

"I have skates," Blake interrupts him, leaning against the kitchen counter. "There's a closet in the entryway. Well, more like a closet room, really. Sizes range from kids to adults. Though I don't think anyone here is gonna need the kids sizes."

Star passes by Blake to set something down on the kitchen counter. "How come you have so many?" She turns back to look at him but he merely shrugs.

"Because. My parents have money. What else are they going to do with it?" Blake asks, pushing away from the counter.

Dale makes a noise, nodding when I look to him. His gaze is on Blake. "My parents are the same way. They just bought a vacation home in Paris. You know, for all the family vacations we take."

Blake gives him a nod. "I know the feeling."

Mitch leans over to take Dale's hand in his. "Well… we're here now." He looks out to the rest of us with the words. "We'll skate, too."

"Why'd your parents buy skates if they're sizes they don't wear?" Nik asks, frowning when Blake shrugs. "You don't think that's odd?"

Blake lets out a breath as he runs his hand through his hair. "Maybe. I don't know. I don't really care." He glances around the kitchen at the rest of us. "Whoever needs some, meet me in the entryway to pick out some skates, alright?"

He leaves then, his footsteps quiet as he moves away from the kitchen and into the entryway. Nik turns in his chair to watch Blake go.

"I'm not the only one that thinks that's weird, right?" he asks, turning back to look at us.

Dale pulls away from Mitch before he stands from his chair. "No offense, Nik but… you'll never get wealthy people until you are one or you're the child of one. Trust me, buying shit you don't need is just par for the course."

Nik's still frowning but he doesn't push it again. He just rises from his chair and follows Mitch and Dale out of the kitchen. Jeff leaves the table, ditching his empty wrapper in the trash can before he looks back at Star. "Do you think you're up for skating?"

"I haven't been skating in ages… but sure, why not?" Star turns to look at him with a smile. He crosses the kitchen back over to the dining table, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

Danny leaves his own chair and starts out of the kitchen and I follow him out.

"Did you bring your own skates?" I ask as we leave the kitchen together.

He glances over his shoulder at me. "Yeah, did you?" He continues when I nod. "Do you want me to grab yours from your suitcase?"

"Sure," I say, following him over to the stairs anyway. I kiss him at the bottom, almost wishing I could follow him up. Repeat what we did last night. But my stomach's tied in knots again so I let him go. Meet the others in the entryway.

The front door's open, Derek and Nik sitting on the front steps, putting pairs of skates on. Derek's face has gone pink, his voice soft as he talks to Nik. I don't catch what they're saying but Nik's nodding, his gaze focused on the ground.

Blake's standing at the bottom of the stairs, his hands in his front hoodie pocket, his gaze set out toward the lake. When Danny steps out onto the front porch with our skates, he frowns at Blake.

"You're not going to put on a coat?" he asks. Blake's gaze doesn't leave the lake and I guess he thinks Danny's talking to someone else. And Danny doesn't let it go. "Blake?"

Blake's gaze shifts back to Danny. "What?"

"You're not going to put on a coat?" Danny repeats, frowning when Blake shakes his head. "It's too cold out here for just a hoodie."

"I'll be fine," he says, shifting his gaze back to the lake before it returns to Danny. "I've been up here all the time in just this."

Danny makes a noise, setting his skates down on the porch behind Nik. "You should dress warmer. Come on, why am I even having to tell you this?"

"I don't know why you are at all. I'm not your boyfriend," Blake says, his eyebrows drawing down before his gaze slides to me. "Why don't you tell this to the guy that is your boyfriend?"

Blake's words make Danny scoff. He folds his arms over his chest, his voice sharp when he speaks. "Seriously? I know you love the having the "king of cool" hoodie aesthetic but you need something thicker than that. Just stop being stupid and go put something else on over it."

Blake huffs out a sigh. "Or how about you leave me the fuck alone about it?"

Silence falls and I exchange glances with Nik before I clear my throat. My gaze slides to Blake, boring holes in my boyfriend's face. "Come on, man. He's just trying to look out for you."

"Yeah and I didn't ask him to," Blake says, his gaze shifting to me before it returns to Danny. "I never asked you to. I get what you're trying to do. And I appreciate it but just stop. I don't need you looking out for me."

"Someone should be," Danny snaps, his tone far more biting than it was seconds ago.

When silence falls this time, I watch the color rise in Danny's face. I don't understand what just passed between them but it… feels like heat. Like it's leftover from all the time they spent dating. And I don't think I'm the only one out here that can feel it.

"Danny, just let it go," I say, reaching out to take his hand. "Come on, come put your skates on with me."

He surprises me by not continuing to argue and joining me on the porch instead. And Blake doesn't surprise me when he starts away from us, stepping onto the ice and beginning to skate.

Nik's got his skates on and he looks steady but Derek's like a fish out of water, desperately clinging to Nik as the two of them shuffle across the short walk to the ice.

"So you've been skating before?" I ask Danny, shifting down to the bottom stair before I start putting on the skates Ana let me borrow. They're a little small but they'll work. And I'm not gonna be wearing them for long.

Danny lifts one shoulder. "Yeah. But it's been a long time so… we'll see if I can even stand upright." He adjusts the tongue on one of his skates. "What about you?"

"I've gone skating a few times," I say, trying to remember the last time I was in a pair of skates. Probably Kwan's fourteenth birthday party. "But it's been years for me, too."

Danny nods, not saying anything further than that. I wait until I've tightened the laces on my first skate before I speak again.

"What happened with Blake just now?" I ask, keeping my voice low. Just in case Blake's close enough to hear us.

He shrugs again but I need more than that.

"Danny."

He lets out a sigh, looking up at me, his hands stilling around the laces of his second skate. "I don't know. He's just… he's always been like that. Not taking care of himself. And he's gotten worse since we broke up and I… I don't know how to help him."

"Maybe he doesn't want help," I say.

Danny drops his stare back to his skates, finishing tying the laces. "Well. He needs it."

"Yeah, but if he doesn't want your help then… I mean, what are you going to do? Force it on him?" I ask, continuing when he shakes his head. "I'm just saying. You can suggest things to him but that doesn't mean you can make him listen to you. Imagine if he did that to you."

He huffs out another sigh. "Fine, yes. I get it."

I don't think he hears how pissed he sounds. It's the same tone he had with Blake just a few minutes ago. And I don't know what's up with him. I don't know why Danny's responding this way. I wonder if this is something they argued about before. Back when they were dating.

"You know you can talk to me about this, right?" I ask. He doesn't speak and it feels pointless but I continue anyway. "I get it if you don't want to. But you know that I'm here for you. And you can talk to me about any of this stuff. Even stuff from before… when you and he were…"

I don't finish what I'm saying but Danny gets it. I sense it in the way he momentarily stills next to me.

Danny lets out a breath, finishing his laces just before I do it. He gets to his feet shakily and we start the slow walk to the ice. Blake made it seem graceful and Danny and I are like newborn colts all the way to the lake. Once we get on the ice, I start to relax a little bit. Danny still seems tense but he slowly gets into it, both of our bodies remembering the movements and the techniques better than our heads do.

"He never let me take care of him when we were together," Danny admits when we're halfway across the lake.

There's a thousand things I want to say but Danny's silence is weighted and hesitant. Like there's more he wants to say and he just can't get the words out. So I nod, giving him space and time to work it out.

We make a complete loop around the lake before he manages to cough the rest up.

"It's just… sometimes I wonder if maybe he'd be in a better place if he'd let me help him," he says, letting out a breath. "And not just the stupid jacket but other stuff, too. I tried to get him to talk about his parents — get it off his chest — and he wouldn't. I tried to convince him that he could talk to my parents or even Jeff's parents and he wouldn't. Kept saying there was no point and I… I don't know. It feels like he's getting worse. And he's lying about being worse. But… I don't know. It's not like he really owes me the truth anymore."

I don't know that he really owed Danny the truth then either. They might have been together but that doesn't mean that Blake's not entitled to privacy. And I hope that Danny can understand that now. Cause I… I don't want to tell Danny everything. At least not immediately. There's shit I still want to keep close to me for a while. Until I know how to actually put it into words.

"Do you think I should apologize?" Danny asks.

"I don't know. Maybe you should give him some time alone," I say, giving a wave to Jeff when he and Star join us on the ice. He waves back and the two of them start toward Nik and Derek.

I watch as Nik passes Derek off to Star before he skates over to Blake. I find myself unconsciously leading Danny to drift closer to the two of them so I can hear their conversation. Nik hasn't exactly been subtle about the growing crush he has on Blake and I shouldn't be worried but I still am. Still wondering if the two of them are a bad idea.

"Hey, you want to race?" Nik asks, skating closer to Blake.

Blake glances toward him at the question, lifting one shoulder in a shrug. Nik matches Blake's pace around the lake and Danny and I stay a distance behind them. I don't know what Nik says to get Blake to agree but I watch as the two of them line up at the other end of the lake, in position to start a race.

"Hey, Dash," Nik calls out, waving his hand to get my attention. I skate closer to them, pretending like I wasn't eavesdropping, and Nik gives me a grin. "We're gonna race. Can you stand here and tell us who wins?"

Blake's eyebrows pinch together and he angles his body downward, letting out a breath that hangs in the air. I give Nik a nod and he mirrors Blake's position. The two of them take off across the ice when I call for them to begin. Danny comes to a stop next to me and we wait together as the two of them make it across the lake and start back toward us.

Nik's fast but Blake's faster, skating to a stop in front of me seconds before Nik does. Blake doesn't even look winded but Nik's panting.

"Damn. That's so fun," he says, grinning as he looks to Blake. "Let's go again."

Blake looks like he wants to say no but he says nothing, getting into position again. I call for them to start and they take off at the same speed again. Danny lets out a quiet breath, smiling when I glance toward him.

"Kinda reminds me of us yesterday. You know… in the pool," Danny says, bumping his hip against mine. He grins at the heat I can feel crawl across my face. "What? That was fun!"

It was fun. Until last night. When my mind got stupid and twisted our innocent actions into something sinister. Into something my father would kill me for.

Blake and Nik are coming back and this time, Nik's ahead. And Blake… seems terrified. His eyes are wide, his movements sporadic as he tries to catch up. Nik glances back at him with a grin but I watch it fade. Watch Nik's pace slow — watch him dig the toe of his skate into the ice, stumbling over nothing when he's been skating just fine up until now.

Nik's stumble gives Blake the ground he needs to catch up and Blake comes in first again, panting harder than Nik is now. Blake braces his hands on his knees, bent over as he catches his breath.

"Damn. You're really fast," Nik says, his chest heaving as he comes to a stop in front of me. His eyes meet mine but he doesn't hold my gaze. "I'd challenge you again but it's clear I'm not really a match."

Blake's own chest is heaving but he straightens up, looking to Nik. "You were fast, too." He continues at Nik's shrug. "Seriously. Do you skate frequently somewhere?"

"I rollerskate once or twice a week," Nik says, his face pink, a breathy laugh leaving him. "I mean it's different on the ice for sure but the movements are kind of the same."

Blake runs a hand down his face, letting out another breath before he gives Nik a nod. "Well… you were great. Thought I was gonna lose for a second."

Nik shakes his head, a small smile on his face. He starts to speak but Danny beats him to whatever response he had.

"Can we skate around for a bit together?" he asks, watching the surprise register on Blake's face. "Just for a bit."

Blake's gaze shifts to me, like he's waiting for my permission. He doesn't need it. But he doesn't look away until I give him a nod, his gaze shifting back to Danny. "Sure."

The two of them fall in sync with each other, skating slowly around the lake. I watch them go for a second before I look to Nik. There's so many things on the tip of my tongue that I know I should say to him. Warnings I should give him about Blake — try to talk him out of going after Blake. But I'm not sure he'd listen to me. And my phone rings before I can say a single word.

Valerie's name is on my screen and I glance toward Nik. "Give me a second."

He shoots me a gloved thumbs up and starts skating in the general direction of his sister and Derek.

I answer the call, steadying myself on the ice. "Hello?"

"Hey," she says. "I just realized I don't have your new address and I know school's out today. Can you meet me somewhere?"

I slow my pace, my stomach dropping. Something's wrong. "No, I'm not… I'm not in Amity Park right now. What is it?"

Valerie lets out a quiet breath. "I don't know if it's the kind of conversation we can have over the phone."

"Why not?" I breathe, afraid I already know the answer. It's something with her job. Something she has to be careful about not being heard. Something—

"It's about Danny," Valerie says, continuing before I can even breathe. "When are you coming back to town? I can meet you as soon as you're back."

"No, Valerie, I can't… I can't wait that long. We're not leaving until tomorrow morning," I say, my breath caught in my chest in the silence. "Please, I… I need to know what's going on."

She lets out a heavy sigh. "I think my bosses are getting close to figuring out phantom's identity." She's quiet for a few seconds, maybe waiting to see if I'm going to speak, before she continues. "You should know that they think it's Danny. He and his family are being watched. And the… the people closest to him, too. You're… they're watching you, too, Dash."

"What the fuck?" I breathe, a shiver racing through me as I come to a stop on the ice. "How is that possible? I thought you said that… without the evidence you stole that they'd have to start their search from scratch again."

"Someone made copies. I didn't know."

Fuck. This is bad.

"I didn't want to tell you — I almost wasn't going to. But I think you should be prepared for something like this. Dash, it could get ugly. Fast." Valerie lets out a quiet breath. "I've done everything I can on my end. But there are people over my head that are determined that the Fenton family is involved somehow. I just… I thought I should warn you."

My mind conjures up a thousand images in the weighted silence, each one even more gruesome and twisted than the last. I see Danny in the woods the day I had to find him. I see his blood staining my backseats. Feel his shallow breaths as death hovered over him, ready to claim him as Mom and I tried desperately to save him.

"Okay… what do I do?" I ask, my voice quiet.

She makes a strangled sound. "Wh— About this? Dash, there's nothing you can do."

I scan the ice, searching for Danny. Making sure he's safe. We're hours from Amity Park but… if they've been watching his family for a while, they could have easily followed us out here. Waited for the right moment to make their move.

"Dash, listen to me." Valerie's voice is insistent. "There's nothing you can do. They've apparently been watching the Fenton family for months. If they've slipped up at any point, then the agents already know that—"

"I could throw them off his trail. If you just… if you can tell me how much they know, I can come up with a plan, I can… I don't know. Figure it out," I say, continuing even when she sighs. I grip my phone tighter. "Valerie, I'm not letting them take him from me."

Her voice is soft. "I know I can't talk you out of anything you're thinking of. But Danny's already at the top of their list. Anything you do to throw suspicion off of him is just going to result in them suspecting him even more."

Fuck. What do I do? How do I fix this?

"I have to do something," I say, cutting her off when she starts to speak. "What am I supposed to do? Just wait for them to come take him?"

Valerie doesn't say anything. And the silence is heavy, the two of us knowing that it doesn't fucking matter what we say. We can argue about what the right thing to do is and it might not make a damn difference. If these agents know it's him, they can take him away from me in the blink of an eye.

"You can't tell me something like this and not expect me to protect him." I wait for her to respond but she stays silent. So I try again, my voice shaky as fuck. "Valerie… I-I need to know what to do. How do I keep him safe?"

Her voice is soft again but there's an edge to it, like she's close to tears. "You don't, Dash. You just… try to prepare him for the inevitable. They're going to show up one day. Probably soon. And… I guess if there's anything you can do, it's just to prepare him to run and hide."

Fuck.

He can't live his life on the run. That's not how this is supposed to go. We're supposed to graduate together. Go to college. We're supposed to spend as much time together as possible and… and he's supposed to be here. When I look at my future, when I think about what I want… Danny's always in it. He's always by my side.

"I can't watch him disappear," I whisper the words, watching Danny skating around the lake with Blake, the two of them supporting Derek as he tries to find his footing. And I know in that moment, standing in the freezing winter air, this isn't where I'm supposed to be.

Valerie lets out a quiet breath when I tell her I need to go and whispers soft words of good luck before I've ended the call. Buried my phone in my pocket and started across the ice toward him.

Danny's at the far end of the lake, his arm around Derek's waist to keep him upright. Blake's got his arm around Derek's shoulders. My stomach clenches as I near the three of them — hear Danny's musical laughter floating in the open air. Knowing that I'm seconds away from stealing this moment from him.

"There, see you're getting the hang of it," Danny praises, laughing softly at the annoyed look Derek shoots his way. "Well… you're at least better than when we started."

Danny catches sight of me and gives me a smile before his gaze is back on Derek. "Hey. You having fun out here?"

I was.

"Can we talk?" I ask, earning his attention immediately.

He holds my stare for a few seconds before he nods. "Yeah… let me just… help get Derek off the ice."

There's no time. At least… it feels like there isn't. Right now, it feels like any moment, those government agents could descend and take him away from me and he'd-

I let out a breath that shakes on the way out and turn away from Danny. "Hey, Nik?"

He looks up at the sound of his name, giving a wave in my direction. He starts for me when I gesture for him to come closer.

Blake adjusts his hold on Derek, his eyebrows pulling together. "Is something wrong?"

I shake my head even though it's a lie. Things couldn't be more wrong. Nik comes skidding to a stop in front of me, pushing his hair out of his face with one hand.

"Whew, it's cold," he says, rubbing his gloved hands together with a grin. "It's so fun though. What's up?"

"Can you help Blake with Derek? Danny and I are gonna go for a walk," I say, my voice wooden and robotic even to my own ears. Like I hate myself for having to say it. Like I'd give anything not to be pulling Danny away right now. I would. I don't want to be doing this to him right now. Or at all. Ever. Fuck.

Nik's gaze shifts from me to Danny, just the barest hint of his eyebrows pinching together. But he gives me a nod and I look back to Danny.

"I'm gonna take my skates off," I say, moving across the ice to get back to the snow. I end up squatting in the snow to get my skates off and I walk in just my socks through the snow to get to the porch. My socks are soaked, feet freezing, by the time I get to the porch but I don't let that stop me. I toss my skates on the porch when I'm close enough, everything in me tense as I collapse on the top stair.

My hands shake as I put my shoes on. And I almost convince myself it's because of the cold. But I know it's not. I'm fucking terrified. And I don't want to have this conversation with Danny. I don't want it to taint this weekend. To change this trip into something other than having fun with our friends.

Danny comes trudging across the snow carefully, still wearing his skates all the way to the front porch. He spares me a glance, his eyebrows pulling together as he navigates his way to the stairs.

"Hey… you okay?" he asks, carefully dropping down onto the bottom stair before he looks back at me. "Can you hand me my shoes?"

I don't answer his question, grabbing his shoes and dropping them on the stair next to him. I keep my gaze on my shoes, tying the laces twice before I leave the stairs.

"Dash, what's wrong?" Danny asks, his skates off, one shoe on now. His hands still around his laces and he frowns, holding my gaze. "You've gotta tell me what it is."

My hand is shaking as I push it through my hair, the breath I let out hanging between us. "I will. Just… we gotta walk. I can't… no one else can hear this." I drop my hand from my hair. Bury it in my pocket to disguise the shaking. "Put your shoes on."

Danny hesitates for a second longer but something in my expression must convince him cause he ties his shoes and he's crunching through the snow with me less than a minute later.

He doesn't press for me to talk. And I wait until I'm sure we're out of earshot of everyone on the ice. Danny holds my stare when I look at him, my heart in my throat with every word I say.

"Valerie called me. She had… she was giving me an…" My tongue doesn't want to move, lungs don't want to draw in any breath. Danny slides his gloved hand into mine, squeezing tightly through the woolen material. It gives me the strength I need just to speak. "She said that the government agents she works with that they're… they suspect that phantom might be… might be you."

Danny's hand tightens in mine. "Okay."

He's too calm. I hate to be the one to ruin it but I have to make sure he understands. That he knows how fucking critical this has gotten.

"She said that the agents have been watching you. A-And your family," I say, my breath catching on the words. "Danny, they're watching you and she… I… I don't know what to do. Valerie said there's nothing we can do and that you… you should be prepared to run."

Danny lets out a breath, squeezing my hand again. He doesn't say anything but I watch his eyebrows draw down, his gaze lifting to the sky — like he's searching for answers. I don't know if they sky holds any for him. Or even if I do.

"Do you want to run?" I ask, my voice softer than a whisper. "We can get in my car now. Just… disappear."

He chews on his bottom lip for an agonizing amount of time in silence before he finally shakes his head. There's no fear in his eyes when he looks back at me. "No. I don't want to run."

"If… if they connect Phantom to you, it's not… you have no idea what they'll do to you," I say, my voice shaky on the words. Danny nods, seeming unfazed by this. I don't know how. I spit more words at him, hoping something hits him. "At the very least, you'll be arrested. For the breaking and entering. And I… anyone that's connected to you could be under suspicion. They could be accused of being an accomplice."

"Dash." He puts his hand on my upper arm, stopping in the pathway we've carved through the snow. He holds my stare, his voice soft as he speaks. "They're not looking for accomplices, I… I think some of that is stuff you probably overhead your dad say. You know, previous cases he's worked?"

I suck in a breath of cold air, stinging my lungs. "Why does that matter? It makes sense, doesn't it? If they take you then anyone that knows you could—"

"I understand what you're saying. And I know you're worried." He squeezes my upper arm again. "But this hasn't even happened yet. All we know is that it might happen. If it happens, I'll come up with a game plan then."

His calm and nonchalant reaction to this only works to amp up my own anxiety. I don't understand how he's not worried about this. How this is just rolling off of him while it's twisting me up inside. Those agents could come and take him away from me in the blink of an eye. Everything we've been building together, all this fucking time we've wasted dancing around all the shit we wanted to say to each other and they could just take him away from me.

"I don't think you're getting it," I say, working to keep the bite from my tone.

Danny shakes his head, a gentle smile on his face. "No, I am getting it. I don't think you are. If they already suspect it's me then I just have to throw off their suspicion. The first thing they'll expect me to do is run. So I don't play their game and they can't prove it's me."

"There's… this isn't a game, Danny. Valerie said that you're already at the top of their list. They've been watching your family for months."

Danny lifts one shoulder in a shrug and I can't believe him. I don't know why he's being stupid about this. We have to come up with something or those agents are going to come crashing in and take him away from me.

I try to explain, I try to get my mouth to spit anything else I can at him, but it's pointless. He's not going to listen. He's blowing this off cause he doesn't realize how fucking serious it is. And my father might have said that kind of shit around me but that doesn't make it any less true. Those government agents will come after anyone they think is an accomplice to the phantom. I'm living fucking proof of that.

Danny calls my name when I start away from him but I don't respond. I trudge my way back through the snow, my jeans soaked from the shin down. I don't understand him. I don't understand why he's not understanding me. This is bad. He has to be bullshitting this calm exterior — he knows this is bad.

I step back into the cabin, kicking my shoes and socks off before I walk further inside. I make it to the bottom of the stairs before the front door opens again. He calls my name but I take the stairs two at a time. I'm in our bedroom, peeling my wet jeans off my skin, when Danny rounds the corner. He's still in his shoes, flecks of snow falling to the wood and beginning to melt. He leans against the door frame, folding his arms over his chest.

"You don't have to walk away from me when we disagree," he says, completely fucking oblivious to what's at stake here. What's really going on.

I wrestle myself free from the jeans and toss them across the room, not dignifying Danny with a response. Despite the anger blossoming in my chest, my face warms knowing that he can see me in just my briefs, rummaging through my suitcase to find a dry pair of jeans. I don't pay it any attention, keeping my gaze away from him now.

He lets out a sigh. "Dash, come on. I don't want to fight with you this weekend."

"You're doing a pretty shit job of it then."

I don't even really mean to say the words. They just slip out. Cause I'm pissed as fuck that he's just going to blow this off. He's acting like this is something he can just lay low from. That the agents aren't watching his family. Aren't watching him — and anyone that's near him. It's exactly the same bullshit we've fought about before.

"I'm not the one who brought this up," Danny says, his voice just as sharp as it was with Blake earlier.

Silence falls in the room, punctuated only by the few squeals and laughs we can hear from our friends on the ice outside. I don't give him a response, pulling a new pair of jeans on and zipping them closed. I fiddle with the button. Tuck my shirt in my jeans, adjust it how I like it. Anything to keep my eyes off of Danny until there's nothing left to do. Until I have to look at him and see the pissed expression on his face.

He raises an eyebrow. "You're not even going to talk to me?"

"It's not like there's a point, is there?" I cross the room over to where I flung my jeans, digging my keys and phone out of the pockets. I slide them both into the jeans I put on before I turn to Danny. "You're just going to disagree with anything I say."

"You don't know that." Danny pushes away from the door frame, taking a further step into our room. "I understand why you're concerned about this. But you don't need to be. I've been handling this for—"

I can't stop the strangled noise from escaping me and it causes Danny to fall silent. He's watching me, his eyebrows drawn down when I look at him. And I try to keep it in — I try not to spit the words that are burning in my chest. But it's hard. Cause he's not an idiot. He knows this is bad. Earth shattering, disappearing in the middle of the night, showing up bloody in the back of my car bad.

"This is handling it?" I demand, my voice harsh and angry in the quiet of this bedroom. In the space he shared his body with me. Where I had to scrub his scent off of my skin. "Those government agents dragging me in for questioning after I pulled a fucking fire alarm is handling it? The whole fucking department they work for having information on you and everyone you know is handling it?"

Danny moves further into the room, the air practically crackling with electricity between us. "I don't know what you expect me to do. It's not like I can walk in their building and tell them to stop suspecting me. What exactly do you think I should be doing?"

"Taking it fucking seriously like I am," I snap, keeping distance when he tries to near me. "You're acting like you don't give a shit. Like it's just another fucking day that you hear something like—"

"Why are you backing away from me?" Danny snaps.

I stop, realizing for the first time that we're across the room from where this argument started. I've been backing up cause it feels like he's been trying to close me in. Like Dad would do.

I try to snap back at him, give some bullshit excuse, but the words that leave me are quiet. Honest.

"Cause you're blocking me from leaving," I say, something twinging painfully in my chest at the thought that Danny could do that to me. I doubt he even realizes he's doing it now. I don't think it'd even occur to someone other than me. Anyone that was raised with parents that weren't completely shit.

Danny lets out a sigh but he steps to the side. "Fine. Then just leave."

I almost stay where I am. But Danny's gaze lifts to the ceiling overhead with just the barest hint of a roll — like he's dismissing the fact that he is blocking me from leaving. That he's backed me up in the bedroom, standing between me and the door. That he's pissed and snapping at me and pretending like I'm the one that's being stupid or dramatic when he… god if he'd just listen to me, he'd know it's the exact fucking opposite. I'm the one that's being rational about this. Smart about it. And he's rolling his eyes.

I don't respond, afraid my words will only come out sounding hurt. So I leave, everything in me twisted so tightly that it's hard to breathe.

Danny stays in our room and I pace through the living room and kitchen, not able to settle anywhere. The sounds of our friends laughter drifts in from outside and I end up watching from the double glass doors in the living room as everyone skates around the ice, some of them by themselves and some of them with their partner or friends.

We should be a part of that. We should be with our friends out there on the ice. Not standing rooms away from each other, all the things we need to say trapped inside of us.

---

Someone comes inside half-an-hour after Danny and I left. I've been lying back on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. My computer's still upstairs and I don't feel like stepping in there with Danny just yet.

Whoever's come inside is talking to someone else and their voices grow louder as they approach the living room. From where I'm laying, I can tilt my head just enough to see it's Jeff and Star as they stop just by the living room.

"Oh, Dash, hey. We were wondering where you went," Jeff says, his gaze moving from me to the hallway. "Where's Danny?"

"Upstairs," I say, looking away from him at the heat that crawls across my face. I don't want to admit that we're in a fight.

Jeff's quiet for a second before he continues. "Ah. Okay. Um, Star and I were going to head out to the store. She might have gotten a new craving or two lately. As if she hasn't already experienced twenty-seven hundred cravings."

"Hey, don't make fun of me," Star says, a quiet laugh leaving her. "Seriously, Dash — you should come with us."

Part of me thinks I should stay here. Go back upstairs and have it out with Danny. But I'm tired of fighting.

"Sure. When are we leaving?" I ask.

Jeff glances to Star. "Pretty much now. Mitch is gonna come inside and change his clothes but then we're ready to leave."

"Cool." I roll, very ungracefully, off the couch and pull myself to my feet. "I'll go find my shoes."

The front door opens again and I get to the entryway as Mitch toes off his shoes. He flashes me a smile before passing by to head down the hallway. My shoes are still soaked from the snow when I put them on but I didn't bring another pair so… whatever. It's not like I'd go upstairs to get a different pair out of my suitcase right now anyway.

I'm retying my left shoe when someone else comes inside the house. They clear their throat and I look up to see Blake standing just inside the doorway, holding his skates in one hand by the blades. He's watching me, his brows drawn together.

"Am I in your way?" I ask, standing from the couch even when he shakes his head.

"No, I… Can I ask you something?"

I lift one shoulder in a shrug, digging my keys from my pocket just to have something to do. "Sure."

He's quiet for several seconds, his gaze set away from me when I look his way. I watch him inhale and exhale, his eyes scanning the ice outside. It takes him nearly a minute before he can voice the question.

"Did you and Danny have an argument about me?"

God, I wish. That would have been a simpler fix than our lives being at fucking stake. Everything with Blake feels like shit we could get over in a fucking second. But this stuff with these agents, this is… it feels like shit we'll never escape from.

"No, it's got nothing to do with you," I say.

Blake looks away from the window, his brows still drawn together. "But you guys did fight?"

I sigh, running my hand down my face before I turn my own stare out the window. I think anyone here with us could tell that we had an argument. But somehow, being asked the question by Blake makes me feel like I failed. Like I couldn't even hide it from one person.

"Forget I asked, I get it," Blake mumbles, stepping past me. He opens up the closet door and stashes his skates away, hanging them up with the others in his size.

I watch him hang his skates up but look away before he can meet my stare. I don't want to talk about Danny. Or at least not with him. It's still weird. He's changing, Danny's moving on. But still. They dated. We're dating. It's weird.

Blake leaves the entryway just as Jeff steps in, adjusting the collar of his coat. He flashes me a smile. "Hey, you ready to go?"

I nod. "Can I drive?"

"Oh, your car? Yeah, sure," Jeff says, peeking down the hall. "It's just the four of us so we should all fit, yeah?"

He shoots me a thumbs up when I nod and drops onto one of the couches to put his shoes on. Star comes in behind him, pressing a kiss to the top of Jeff's head before holding her hand out toward me. She gives me an insistent smile and when I reach my hand out, she drops a chocolate candy into it.

"I'm on my chocolate kick again so you're lucky I'm sharing," she laughs, looking to Jeff. "Will you tie my shoe, babe?"

Babe. Fuck. I remember the first time Danny called me that. Standing in the hallway at Alex's old apartment, a soft smile on his face as he turned to look at me. God, why do we have to be fighting right now?

I roll the chocolate between my thumb and my index finger, watching the sunlight glint off the gold wrapper. Star's gaze is on Jeff when I deposit the chocolate onto one of the bookshelves in the entryway. I hear Danny's voice drifting from down the hall and for a second, I think I imagined it. But he draws closer, Mitch's voice responding to him. Great.

"You guys ready to go?" Mitch asks, slipping his wallet into his back pocket as he steps into the entryway.

Danny comes around the corner, his gaze shifting between Star and Jeff before it lands on me. He looks down to my feet, his eyebrows pulling together at my shoes. "Are you going somewhere?"

I shrug. Play with my keys again. "It's just a store run. Nothing major."

"Hmm… maybe I should come, too," Danny says, sliding his hands into his back pockets before his gaze shifts to Mitch. "I need to try that peanut butter pickle thing Star was telling us about last night."

"Oh my god, yes!" Star says with a laugh, turning around to look at Danny. "I'm actually going to get more pickles. Jeff swears it's just my hormones but it's so good!"

Danny laughs and I watch his gaze move away from hers, down to the ground. Looking for his shoes.

"I'll make sure we get enough so you can try it, too," I say, giving Danny a smile when I earn his stare. "I'll see you when we get back."

He lets out a quiet breath. I think it's cause I'm hyper-aware of him right now but the skin around his eyes tightens and my breath catches on my inhale. When he speaks, his voice is still fun and light but I can tell in his eyes that he's pissed.

"Just give me a second to grab my shoes and I'll join you guys," Danny says, already moving forward in the entryway to grab his shoes.

I take a step closer to him — blocking his path. "There's only four seats in my car."

He huffs out a sigh, looking back at Mitch with that same smile. "Mitch and I can double-buckle. You don't mind, do you, Mitch?"

"Um, I…" Mitch looks between the two of us, clearly sensing what the fuck's happening right now. "I don't know that I… I mean, it's up to Dash. It's his… um, his car."

Danny lifts one shoulder, turning back to look at me. "See? Mitch is cool with it." He waits but I don't know what to say and after a few seconds, he nods toward me. "Excuse me, I need to grab my shoes."

"I only have four seats," I repeat, at a loss for what else to say.

He makes a quiet, frustrated noise and leans past me to grab his shoes. "And I already said I could double buckle with someone. I don't know why you're—"

I have no idea what he was going to say about me. And I have no idea what our friends are expecting from me. But something in me snaps at the tone he's talking to me in. Like he did earlier. Upstairs. When he rolled his eyes at me.

"Danny, I said no," I snap, earning his gaze instantly.

His tongue darts out, running along his top teeth and the look he gives me is practically a sneer. He throws his shoes back to the ground in front of me, letting out a quiet breath.

"Fine. Whatever."

He turns from me, darting in between Mitch and Jeff to disappear back down the hall. I hear his footsteps retreating all the way to the stairs. And I can feel our friends watching me but I don't look at any of them. I can't explain what just happened. I barely understand it myself. I'm looking out for him. This whole fucking time, all I've ever done is look out for him.

"I'll be in the car," is all I can say before I push the screen door open and step out onto the porch. I trudge my way through the snow and knock ice from the handle of my car door before I get inside and sink down into the driver's seat.

I don't know why Danny can't see this shit the way I do. That this dangerous and he should be taking it seriously. I'm doing everything I can and it's… it's like it doesn't even matter. Like we're going to get caught anyway.

---

It's silent as fuck on the drive to the store. No one seems to want to talk and I wish I could just break the silence so there wouldn't be this heavy tension lingering in the car. But I don't even know where to start.

When we get to the store, Mitch and Star split off to look at something. Jeff grabs a cart and sticks to me like glue.

"Alright, Star's made a list of stuff so we'll start there. And then I want to look for a game for all of us to play tonight," he says, pushing the cart alongside me. "If there's anything you want, let me know."

We make it through three items on Star's list before he brings it up.

"So. Things got pretty intense back at the house, huh?" Jeff tosses two bags of chips in the cart before he looks at me. "With… with Danny?"

As if I could forget who the fuck I've been arguing with for the better part of an hour. Jeff's looking at me like he expects an answer but all I give him is a shrug. Of course it got intense. All of our stupid fights always get so fucking intense. Ever since we met, we've fought about so much crap and it… god, it seems like we always come back to this. I try to protect him. And he pushes me away.

Jeff gives up on getting a response and pushes the cart to the end of the aisle. "I think cookies are this way."

Maybe Danny doesn't want my protection. But I'm gonna give it to him. And I'm going to prepare like they're sending the whole goddamn army after us.

"Yeah, you know what? I am gonna go look at something. I'll call you when I'm done," I say, not waiting for a response before I leave the aisle and start in the opposite direction of where he's going next.

This place is smaller than the supermarket back in Amity Park but they still have a decent starting collection of survivalist gear. I find a machete and a few thermal blankets that pack down really small. There's a double pack of permanent matches I remember Dad teaching me how to use when I was a kid.

Dad. God. He'd know what to do in this situation. Not that he'd help me even if I asked. Not that I would ask him. Probably.

A sigh escapes me as I run my hand along a set of carabiner clips. I wonder if Alex owns any camping gear. I don't remember seeing it packed when we left the apartment. I wonder if Dad's back at work yet. Or if I could slip into the garage and take what I wanted. I still have the garage door opener in my glovebox.

I squat down to take a closer look at one of the tents they have available when something else catches my attention. Locked away behind glass, ammo on display right next to it. Three shotguns lined up next to each other, making me forget all about the stupid machete.

I move to the shotguns instead, reading the differences between the three models on display. And they all talk about the same key point — how good they are for hunting. Danny and I aren't hunting. We're being hunted. What weapon would protect us?

None of these guns have anything worth buying them for so I pass. I know of a gun store downtown back home. I'll figure out what to get and buy it from there instead. A shotgun is stupid and I can't easily conceal it on the ride back to the cabin. Someone's bound to ask questions.

I run my finger along the edge of the gun case, lingering in front of it and I don't know why. I remember holding one as a kid — learning to shoot cans when I was six years old. I remember Dad telling me to keep my aim straight. Close one eye.

Breathe. And pull the trigger, son.

My phone rings in my back pocket, startling me out of my thoughts. I shift the crap in my hands to one arm, pulling my phone free from my back pocket. My heart's pounding wildly in my chest, almost expecting Dad's name on the screen. It's Jeff. And this is a new phone. Dad doesn't have the number.

Breathe.

"Hello?" I answer.

"Hey, man. I'm almost finished up here. Debating between two games and I need your vote. Can you meet me in the games section?" Jeff asks and I hear someone talking before he continues. "Oh and Mitch says that Dale sent him with his credit card and to not let you or any of us pay for anything. Which you know, I'm never gonna say no to."

He laughs. And I feel like a complete idiot. I'm so fucking stupid, what the fuck am I doing? Buying this shit with my friends — here? If the agents are watching us, they're watching my friends. If I buy this shit when they're with me, on someone else's goddamn card, it'll implicate all of them.

"That's… okay. I didn't find what I was looking for," I mumble, ditching my pile of shit on an empty shelf before I leave the aisle. "I'll meet you guys over there in a second."

I end the call without even saying goodbye. Cause I gotta put as much distance between me and that aisle as possible. What have I been thinking? Why am I acting so stupid about this — I was taught better than this. I'm making stupid errors cause I'm scared. And the more afraid I get, the more I fuck up.

Breathe, Dash. Come on, son. Try again.

I can't get his voice out of my head. And I hate that it's helping me. That it actually works to calm me down. Nothing about him should calm me. But I remember holding his hand in the hospital after my accident. When my calf was fucked up and I thought it was the end of football for me. I remember his strong hands on my shoulders the day I set that fire in the woods. How he brought me back from the brink of panic I was all too ready to throw myself off of.

I'm halfway to the games section when someone comes out from the end of an aisle, pulling their cart out in front of me. And my knees nearly buckle as I take a step back. It's his build — his hair. His eyes that take in my startled response. It's like I thought of him and Dad fucking appeared right in front of me.

But it's not him. It's just some guy. Some guy that looks so fucking much like him.

"Sorry, didn't see you there," the guy says, his expression breaking into a smile. "I didn't clip you, did I?"

I can't speak. I can't even shake my head. God, he looks so much like Dad.

Someone comes to the guy's side, his wife maybe. She's holding a baby. Same blonde hair as him. Dressed in the same shit Mom would dress me in — little plastic tools gripped in his tiny hands.

I bolt. I don't even know where the fuck I'm going or if I'm even going in the right direction. It's not until the wind hits my face and stings my eyes that I realize I've made it outside. My chest is heaving, legs burning. I can't do this. I can't go back in there.

My hands shake as I fumble for my keys. My legs don't want to work as I force myself across the parking lot. Everything in me is shaking and I nearly throw up halfway across the lot. It takes bracing my hands on my knees and letting out a stupid, choked noise before I manage to keep it together long enough to get in my car. Lock the doors.

I put my keys in the ignition and I nearly back out of the spot, leaving the parking lot entirely. But I remember the others inside. And I make my shaky hands work long enough to draft a text to Jeff.

To: Jeff

I'm in the car. Meet me out here when you guys have checked out

I don't care what game you get

My hands are still shaking as I drop my phone in the center console. I don't know what the hell just happened to me. I don't know why the fuck I'm panicking. It wasn't even him. It wasn't even Dad. What is wrong with me — what the fuck is wrong with me?

Is this it? Have I fallen this far from the carefully pulled together version of myself I was at the start of senior year? I kept this shit under wraps for so fucking long and now my friends are seeing me snap at my boyfriend and walking out of stores cause I can't fucking deal.

Why the fuck can't I let this go? Why is thinking of Dad still so fucking hard?

---

I only have a few minutes to pull it the fuck together before my friends are walking across the lot to my car. I've done this before. Had a fucking breakdown over shit Dad pulled only to meet up with my friends to play a game or go to a party. This is nothing new. It's the same shit I've done before.

"Sorry, I was tired of walking," I joke when Jeff joins me in the passenger seat.

He clicks his seatbelt in place before he looks up at me with a frown. "Yeah, I understand."

"But you're okay though, right?" Star asks, frowning when I look at her in the rearview mirror.

I give her a nod. "Yeah, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"

She doesn't answer and I don't wait for her to. I put my car in reverse and start out of the parking lot. I ask what game they got and Mitch starts excitedly telling me about it. Something about guessing who a liar or a spy is in the group and collecting cards…? I don't know. I barely hear what they're saying. But I nod. Try to pay attention so they can't tell I'm spacing the fuck out.

As Mitch tells me about the game and Star interjects with her own thoughts about it, I navigate our way back to that long twisty road up to the cabin. It's not a long drive back up there but it's still confusing as hell and really easy to make the wrong turn.

I'm focusing so hard on not missing my turn, I almost don't see the car coming from the opposite lane. The road's a little icy. And they're a little over the line.

"Dash, look out!"

Jeff's voice rings out inside my car, mixed with Star's gasp, and it's like everything happens in slow motion. The car's headlights nearly blind me and I swerve out of their way — a little too far out of their way.

My car slams into the guard rail, the scraping of metal against metal louder than the shout that comes from someone in my car. My foot slides as I press down the brake, my tires squealing against the road. Someone's talking, their voice panicked. It slips inside my head, making me think that we're gonna go over the edge. But we're not. We slide a little, my car's engine whining as I pull us back from the guard rail, but I keep us from going over the edge.

Someone in the car says something. Maybe to me. Maybe to no one. I can't draw in a deep enough breath. And my hands are shaking. His face fills my mind.

I throw my car in park, my hands barely working as I undo my seatbelt. I get out of the car, slamming the door shut behind me. I cross the road, leaning my forearms against the opposite guard rail. The one I didn't just scrape my car against.

Another car door shuts and Jeff's voice drifts across the road toward me. "Dash, are you alright?"

How the fuck can I be alright after that? We nearly got the shit smacked out of us and I almost let us slide off the road. And all I can think of is Dad's goddamn police cruiser slamming into mine. Trying to run me off the road.

My knees give out underneath me and I'm crouching next to the guard rail, clinging to it like it's the only fucking lifeline I have. I'm going crazy. I must be going crazy.

"Whoa, hey, I'm here." Jeff's voice is closer now, his hands settling on my shoulders. "Hey, are you alright?"

I'm not. If the agents don't get me and Danny, Dad will. I'm an idiot for ever thinking I could outrun him. Or anyone. I'm just a stupid high school kid. What the fuck have I been doing all this time? Why the fuck did I ever think I could keep Danny safe?

Jeff says something else but I don't hear it. I press my forehead against the cold metal of the guard rail, trying to come down from the panic I can feel growing stronger in my chest. Dad's not here. He's miles from here. Back in Amity Park. He's not following me around in random supermarkets or trying to run me off the road.

I know this logically. But this panic has taken route, twisting up everything inside me.

"Dash, it's okay. We're all okay, alright? It's okay." Jeff's hands have left my shoulders, one rubbing up and down my back now. His voice is soothing but the panic has got a strong hold on me. "Talk to me, alright? Tell me what you're thinking."

I'm afraid if I open my mouth, I'll fucking spew over the side of the road like I nearly did in the parking lot. I shake my head and Jeff takes that as an answer.

"Okay, that's okay. You don't have to talk. Can you stand?" he asks, continuing when I don't respond. "Dash, we need to get back to the cabin. Can you stand?"

I don't know if I can get behind the wheel like this. I don't have enough strength in my legs to even rise from this crouched position.

"Dash," Jeff says, his voice firmer now. "I need you to stand, come on. I can drive us but you have to stand."

His arms slide under mine but I push him back with my elbows.

"Ha…hang on," I manage, my stomach convulsing violently. I draw in a deep breath to keep it down and chance a few more words. "I'll be… fine. Just… just give me a second."

Jeff lets out a quiet breath but he slides his arms from under mine, letting me have a few seconds before he calls my name again. It's a thousand times quieter now. Like I'm scaring him. I know the feeling. I'm scaring me, too.

But I don't have a choice. I can be scared and still act — Dad taught me that much. Goddamn it, why won't he just stay out of my head?

"I'm fine," I manage, pulling my head away from the guard rail. Jeff doesn't say anything but he holds his hand out when I start to rise from my crouched position. I take it, his hand like ice in mine.

He doesn't let go when I pull away, holding onto me as we walk across the slippery road back to my car.

"I'll drive us," he says quietly.

I shake my head, pulling my hand from his hold this time. "No. I'm fine. Just get in."

Jeff hesitates by the driver's door, watching me but I don't give him a choice. I open the driver's door, waiting until he's crossed over to the passenger side before I get in. It's dead silent in my car as I buckle my seatbelt except for a quiet sniffle from the backseat. My stomach drops and I look in the rearview mirror in time to catch Star wipe a tear from her face. God. I'm an asshole. I should have made sure everyone was safe before I thought of myself.

"Are you guys okay?" I ask, shifting my gaze in the rearview mirror to see Mitch and Star in turn.

She nods, her voice teary. "We're fine. Dash, are… are you okay?"

I don't know what to say. Yes is an obvious lie. But I can't give her a no with the tears I can still see gathered in her eyes.

"I'll be fine," I say, giving her what I hope is a convincing smile. It does nothing for the fear I can still see in her expression.

Jeff buckles in and I grip the steering wheel with one hand before I carefully take the car out of park.

It takes a long time to get up the road again. I'm driving at half the speed I took last night but I don't know how I could ever hope to speed up. I'm practically crawling around every curve and I flinch at every car that passes us. It feels like we're all holding our breath until I park in front of Blake's cabin.

No one makes a move to leave the car. Not even when I turn the engine off and the heat slowly starts to leave us.

I stare up at the front of the cabin, at the lights coming through the front windows in the entryway. And look to Jeff when he breaks the silence with a heavy exhale.

"Everyone alright?" he asks, turning to look at Mitch and Star before his gaze shifts to me. "You doing okay?"

I nod, reaching to unbuckle my seatbelt. "Yeah."

"No one tell Dale," Mitch says quietly, letting out a breath when I turn to look at him. His gaze shifts away from me. "He's… he gets worried sometimes. And this, I…"

Star puts her hand on his knee, giving him a little shake. "It's okay. I'm not going to say anything to him."

"Ditto," I say and Jeff's quick to nod. I shouldn't ask but I do. "What's he worried about?"

Mitch's eyebrows pull together and his expression seems hesitant. Like there's things he wants to tell us but he doesn't. Just shakes his head. And when he opens the back door, Star follows him out. Jeff and I follow them out of the front of my car and the four of us manage to get all the bags in together in one go.

When we step inside the entryway, Jeff offers to take my bags for me. And he's loaded down but I say yeah. And he and Mitch split what I've carried inside and disappear into the cabin.

And I stand at the front door, staring out at the snow on the ground. At the clouds above that are threatening more. And I breathe. I just breathe.

Star returns a few minutes later. She gives me a soft smile when I look toward her, presenting me with another chocolate. And I take it. And she's watching so I unwrap it. Slide it between my teeth. And it's tasteless to me. I could be eating chalk for all I know.

"Can I hug you?" she asks, her voice quiet.

I can't remember the last time she has. Well before Paulina and I broke up for the last time. I must look like a fucking sight if she's offering a hug now. But I nod and she wraps her arms around my waist, her head resting against my chest.

"You don't have to talk about it, okay? But that was scary," she says in a voice so soft, I have to really listen for her. And part of me doesn't want to. I don't want to have this conversation. But she continues. "You reacted really well. Seriously, I don't know that I could have reacted that quickly. But it's okay that it scared you, okay? It's okay to be scared, Dash."

It isn't. Not about this. Not about the government agents. Cause I've gotta figure out a plan, I've gotta keep my car on the road, I've gotta keep it together, not let anyone see how fucked up things can get, I have to—

Breathe, son.

A sigh escapes me and I drop my cheek against the top of Star's head, words tumbling from me. "I know."

She squeezes her arms around me tighter like she doesn't believe me. And she keeps talking like I need her to fill the silence. And I should stop her but I don't. I listen to everything she says in an attempt to comfort me. All the ways she tries to convince me that it's okay to feel the things I feel. I was starting to think that before but… what use is it to feel this shit if I can't do anything about it?

Keith comes to fetch Star and his expression shifts when he sees us. He asks if we're okay. His gaze lingers on me. I don't have the energy for a smile. I shrug instead.

Star disappears toward the back of the cabin and Keith tries to get me to talk but I don't want to. So I drift away from him, wandering down the hall and tuning Keith out until someone calls his name. And I feel like I can breathe again.

I toss my jacket over one arm of the couch before I catch sight of Danny, standing at the edge of the living room. He's watching me, his eyebrows pulled together. And I… really don't want to fight again.

"Hey." His voice is soft on the one word. I don't get anything from his tone. He's just quiet.

I take my phone from my pocket just to have something to do. Check the time like I want to know it. I don't even register the numbers that stare back at me.

"Hey," I respond, unlocking my phone. I stare down at the screen until I hear him step closer to me, his bare feet quiet on the hardwood. "What's up?"

"Can we talk?" he asks, nodding to the couch before he crosses the room. He sinks down on one end and looks toward me. There's hesitation in his expression, his eyebrows drawing together as he watches me. Like he wonders if I'm going to turn around and leave again. I wouldn't but I don't want to talk.

"About what?" I ask, dropping my stare to my phone again. I almost text Alex — tell him that I'm fighting off the worst kind of panic. But he's miles away from here. And I don't want him worrying over me.

Danny lets out a quiet breath and I brace myself for his anger to come hurling at me again. "I need to apologize to you. And I… I can do that whether you come sit with me or not."

He's watching me, waiting to see my response. I think if I waited him out, he'd start talking and wouldn't ask me to come sit again. But I don't want to do this across the room from each other. He's my boyfriend for fuck's sake. And he wants to apologize. And I'm not gonna be an asshole about it.

I cross the room over to him, sink down next to him on the couch. He hesitates for a second but when he reaches for me, I let him take my hand. He squeezes his palm against mine.

"I'm sorry," he says, his voice barely above a whisper on the words.

I shake my head, dropping my stare to our hands. "It's okay. I know I—"

"No, it's not okay," he says, letting out a breath when I look at him. He shifts his gaze down to our hands now, running his thumb over the back of my hand. "Earlier, you were… you were just trying to protect me. And I don't have to agree with you but I shouldn't have reacted that way."

I squeeze his hand in mine but I sense he's got more to say so I stay silent.

"And in the bedroom, I… god, Dash." He looks up at me with a pained expression. He lifts our clasped hands to his mouth, pressing a kiss softly against the back of my hand. He holds my gaze for a few seconds before he lowers our hands, his gaze never leaving mine. "You were honest with me upstairs. When I asked why you were backing up and you said that I… I was blocking you from leaving. And my response was so shitty. I've asked you for honesty so many times and you gave it to me and I acted like a complete asshole about it."

I squeeze his hand again. "It's alright."

He shakes his head. "No. It isn't. And I'm sorry, I should never have responded that way. And I… god I'm just sorry."

I don't know what he'll accept from me because saying it's alright obviously doesn't work. I settle for just squeezing his hand and giving him a nod. He lifts our hands again, kissing my fingers one by one. When he's reached my pinky, I take his hand and press it flat against my chest.

Danny meets my stare again.

"It's okay. I accept the apology," I say, putting more pressure against his hand when a noise leaves him. "It is. And I appreciate you apologizing. And I'm… I'm sorry, too."

He shakes his head. "You have nothing to be sorry for. You were right. You can be worried and I can—"

I lean into him thene, resting my forehead against his shoulder. I don't want to talk anymore. I just want him to be here. I want his arms around me and I want to forget what the drive home felt like.

Danny makes a soft noise when I bury my face in the crook of his neck but he wraps his arms around me, fits my body tightly against his. One hand runs up and down my back, the other plays with the hair at the nape of my neck.

"What is it?" he asks, his voice barely above a whisper, his breath ghosting across my ear.

I shake my head, burying my face further against his skin. I'm afraid if I talk, I'll dissolve. Like I nearly did in the store. Like I definitely did on the side of the road. Danny's arms feel safe and warm and I never want to leave them.

He holds me gently, the two of us relaxed back into the sofa together until someone calls out to us for dinner. I don't know who made what for dinner but someone starts bringing plates into the living room and Danny disappears to get food for the both of us.

I keep my stare drifting through the room, on the fringe of the conversation my friends are having as they join me in the living room.

Nik says something that makes Derek laugh and the sound pulls me out of my own head. Blake's frowning, watching Derek and Nik but the two of them are smiling so… I have no idea what I missed

"So. Mitch mentioned a game you got at the store?" Dale asks, sitting on the floor in front of the couch Jeff is sitting on. He turns to look back at Jeff. "What'd you end up getting?"

Jeff looks up from his plate, his gaze flicking toward me before it settles on Dale. "I don't even remember where it went. Something to do with guessing identities or something, I don't know. It was Mitch's idea."

"Ahh, okay. I'll ask him then," Dale says, shoveling a forkful of something that looks like mashed potatoes into his mouth.

"I don't know if anyone wants to play," Jeff says and though his gaze doesn't move toward me again, I know what he isn't saying. The unspoken "Dash might not want to." I hate that.

I move my stare across the room again, watching out the glass French doors as the wind outside blows snow around, making the world outside this cabin look like some kind of snowglobe. I wish things were simpler. Wish I could explain what the hell happened to me today. Wish Danny and I hadn't fought. Wish my father had just pulled the damn trigger so I didn't have to wish anything anymore.

My breath catches at the thought and I earn Jeff's stare again. But Danny returns just a second later, holding out a plate of food toward me.

"Thanks," I mumble, taking it from him and balancing it on my knees to take the fork he offers out to me. It's some kind of chicken and rice mixture that smells like it's flavored with a thousand different spices.

Jeff's still watching me as Danny settles on the couch. I don't look his way but I join the conversation.

"What were you saying about a game?" I ask, keeping my gaze on my plate as I cut a piece of chicken with the side of my fork. "Who made dinner by the way?"

I pop the bite of chicken into my mouth and it pretty much explodes with flavor. It's definitely spicy but it's good. I don't know what sauce it's made in but it's fucking delicious.

"I did, you should recognize my elite cooking skills," Paulina says, claiming the open seat on the couch across from me. She drops a napkin into her lap before setting her plate down. She looks up at me with a grin. "I'm surprised you don't remember the staple dish I always made for you."

I can't tell if she's joking. Paulina never cooked for me when we were dating. I mean I had dinner at her house a few times but it was her mom's cooking. At least, I thought it was.

"Did you really?" I finally ask, earning a laugh from her.

She shakes her head, settling down on the couch just as Star joins her. "No. Actually Nik made this."

"Really?" I ask, looking toward him as he joins us in the room. He's carrying his own plate, followed by Derek. "Nik, you made this?"

He looks to me, his face lighting up with the question. "Yeah, it's an old family recipe my dad taught me. Good, isn't it?"

"Yeah, it's fucking great," I say, scooping up another forkful. I wonder if Alex knows this recipe — we definitely need to have it for dinner again.

My friends fall into quiet conversations and I try to keep my focus on my food. Not think about my father. Just keep my focus on the food and my friends and being so far from Amity Park that it feels like I can breathe again for the first time in months.

When most of us have finished eating, Dale brings up playing a game again. Jeff tries to hint that maybe not everyone wants to play but I tell Dale to go get it and Jeff drops it, telling Dale it's on the dining table.

I get a curious look from Jeff and I know he's asking if I'm okay. I can only shrug. I don't know. Today was harder than I was expecting. I haven't thought about Dad like that in a while.

The game that Jeff and Mitch picked out has something to do with figuring out who's the secret spy in the group. Danny exclaims over it as soon as Dale brings it to the living room. Apparently it's something he plays with his friends over Skype all the time. So we listen as he explains the rules and Jeff deals everyone the right amount of cards.

Danny re-explains certain things a couple times and by the end of a practice round, we've pretty much got the rules down. And shit gets tense from the moment the real game begins.

"Okay… we know that the spy has collected all of the yellow mission cards. Do we want to continue operating under the assumption that they haven't collected any blue ones yet?" Nik asks, looking around the group, trying to gauge from everyone else if we're any closer to figuring out who the spy is.

"We could but that'd be fucking stupid. We can't know for sure that they haven't collected any blue ones," Dale says with a groan, leaning over Mitch to grab the bag of M&M's we've been passing around.

Blake makes a soft noise, pulling his hoodie off and tossing it onto the couch behind him. He's in a white t-shirt that hangs off his frame like it's a size too big. Or like… he's shrunk since he bought it. I try to tell if his arms look any skinnier than the last time I saw them but I can't tell. I don't really remember what he looked like the last time he wasn't in a hoodie. Except for when we were all out on the field during practice or games but he was covered in padding then.

He catches me staring and I'm quick to look away, shuffling my cards while he talks. "No one's asked about the blue ones yet, right? And for all we know, the spy might not even have any red ones yet so… we might still be okay for a while."

"That tells me nothing," Dale says, tilting his head back to drop a handful of candy inside. He shifts it around in his mouth, trying to talk around the mouthful. "Fink anyone ftill haf an informaffion card?"

"Love, don't talk with your mouth full," Mitch says, his gaze shifting from Dale back to the rest of us. "He's right though. Does anyone still have an information card?"

"I do but it's really early in the game to use it," Danny says, looking to Mitch when he falls silent. "What? I'm not the spy."

"You can't say that," Keith says, talking over Danny when he tries to argue. "No, we never established if you were or you weren't. Kwan couldn't prove your claim and Dash couldn't either."

"Yeah but the actual spy can say that to throw people off," Derek says, squinting at Danny. "How do we know you haven't been playing us this whole time? Why don't you use your info card to prove your dedication to finding the real spy?"

Danny lobs an M&M at Derek. "Because. I already sacrificed my other info card. And we know that there's at least one more action card the spy is holding onto. We gotta trick them into giving it up."

"Ugh. I have nothing better to play," Paulina says, tossing a card into the center discard pile. "I'm sorry everyone."

A collective groan goes around the room as we all one by one draw a new card. There's a possibility that the spy will get an additional mission card when they draw. And there's even bigger possibility that we're all having way too much fun with this game.

"Okay, okay. I got something good," Derek says, tossing the card he just drew into the center pile.

All other players close their eyes for thirty seconds and the spy must reveal how many green mission cards they have.

I don't know about my friends but I've been playing honestly and closing my eyes when I'm instructed to. I'm assuming everyone else has been too cause we're all still at a loss for who the spy could be.

Derek sets a thirty second timer and when the thirty seconds are up, I open my eyes to see two green mission cards turned over in addition to the one that's been turned over since the beginning of the game.

"Fuck!" Dale tosses his cards down and covers his face with his hands. "Oh my god. The spy already has the green ones and the yellow ones. They only need god knows how many blue and red ones."

"Someone needs to play an information card," Nik says, his gaze shifting to Danny. "Come on. The spy has collected over fifty percent of what they need to end the game. If now's not the perfect time to use it, when are you going to use it?"

"Actually, I don't know that we should play it yet," Keith says, holding up his hand in defense when Nik and Derek look to him. "Hear me out. I think…"

Keith's voice seems to lose volume when Danny leans his shoulder against mine. He gives me a smile when I look his way, his voice nearly a whisper when he speaks.

"You doing okay?"

I'm… doing better. That drive back to the cabin feels like a lifetime ago and like it just happened at the same time. It's weird. But I'm doing better. I'm not standing on the brink of panic anymore but it's definitely still in my sights.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I say, bumping his shoulder with mine and smiling at the flush that grows on his face.

"Lovebirds. Check back into the game, it's your turn," Dale says, his gaze on the two of us for only a second before he shifts it back to the center pile.

Danny lets out a breath, looking down to the cards in his hand before he draws. He makes a face at the one he draws before selecting one from his hand to play. It's just a pass card. Prevents the spy from being able to collect a mission card this time.

I draw and my heart fucking soars. "Oooh, I got an information card."

"Fuck yeah. Okay, now that we know we have two, I think we need to play one of them," Blake says, looking between me and Danny. "And I think we should ask if the person's—"

"Whoa, whoa. Why do you get to decide what question should be asked?" Kwan asks, looking to Blake. "I've been trying to get the question asked if the spy's a girl or a guy for ages."

"Yeah well suck it, you're not the one with the information card," Blake responds.

"It's not your card either!"

"Yeah but I'm clearly the one with the higher intelligence here so I think we should—"

"Higher intelligence? Higher intelligence? I'll have you know that on my exams last year, I—"

"Guys, guys!" Keith calls out over the two of them with a laugh, half dragging Kwan down from where he's gotten up on his knees. "Settle down. It's just a game. It's Dash's card. If he wants to play it or save it, it's his choice. And he gets final say on the question that's asked."

Kwan sits down again but it's with a glare and Blake sticks his tongue out.

"Oh that's really mature, Blake," Jeff says, laughing at the color that flushes along Blake's cheekbones. He looks to me. "Are you playing the info card now or what?"

I chew on the inside of my lip for a second before I nod. "Yeah. Yeah, I think I am."

"Remember it has to be a yes or no question," Danny says and I nod.

I'm not entirely sure what question I should ask here. We already know the spy is a senior so it ruled out Derek and Nik early on. Kwan's been trying to get someone with an info card to ask if they're a girl or a guy for half the game. But it would only rule out Star and Paulina if they aren't a girl. And it seems kind of stupid to ask if they're on the football team. That'd still only rule out Paulina, Star, and Danny. But I'm at a loss for what else to ask so I lay down the info card and go with that question.

I earn an eyeroll from Kwan that I ignore and Derek sets another thirty second timer. We close our eyes and when it's off, the "yes" card has been turned over.

"Great use of your card, Dash," Dale says, slumping down against the front of the couch.

Mitch gives him a look. "Why are you being so grumpy?"

"I'm not. He wasted his fucking turn," Dale says, reaching past Mitch for the M&M's again. "Gimme. I need chocolate. And it's your turn, Danny. Which is also gonna be a fucking waste cause you won't play your goddamn info card."

"Dale, will you chill out?" Mitch asks, looking toward him with a frown. "What's got you so keyed up tonight?"

He makes a noise but doesn't respond, his gaze away from Mitch. I'm definitely not the only one that feels the way the atmosphere just changed in the room. Danny draws a card but a hush falls over the room. No one can really look away from Dale.

Mitch lays his cards face down on the floor. He turns to face Dale fully, his hand coming up to rest on Dale's bicep. "Baby. What is it?"

Dale sighs but he shifts his gaze to Mitch. "Nothing, I'm… I'm not trying to be an asshole." His gaze shifts to me. "I'm sorry, man."

A few seconds pass in silence but when Mitch whispers his name, Dale gives in. His stare flicks to the ceiling overhead. "It's nothing. My mom called earlier. Her and Dad are gonna be out of the country when we graduate. So… that's that."

Mitch makes a soft noise, curling his arm around Dale's. "I'm sorry. That's really horrible of them."

Dale keeps his gaze on the ceiling for a second longer before he shifts it to Mitch with a shrug. "It's what we expected when we talked about it. I don't know why it surprised me."

"Maybe it didn't surprise you. Maybe it disappointed you," Nik says, continuing when he earns Dale's stare. "You're allowed to think your parents suck and still want them to show up at important events, you know."

Dale shrugs, his gaze moving throughout the room now. "They don't suck. Not really — they just suck at being parents. They've never been mean. It's just… I don't know why I care. They'd give me basically anything if I asked for it."

"Everything except being here. Acting like your parents," Nik says, hesitating at the sigh Dale lets out. He must decide to chance it cause he keeps talking. "You have every right to be upset that they're not going to make time for this. It's an important day for you and they should be here to celebrate you."

Dale nods, looking to Nik. "I appreciate the free therapy but I'm fine. I'll get over it, it's not a big deal."

Nik opens his mouth like he wants to say more but he doesn't. Just nods instead, shifts his gaze toward my side of the room. "Danny, did you play?"

Danny shakes his head. "No, I have nothing to play." His gaze darts toward Dale but my teammate stays silent. "Um, it's your turn, Star."

"Oh gosh. I don't really have anything good," Star says, drawing a card from the top of the pile. Her stare flicks to Dale before she's focused on her cards again. "Well, maybe I can… hmm."

She shuffles her cards around before selecting one to play.

All other players must close their eyes. The spy must discard one yellow mission card.

"Fuck yeah, that's what I'm talking about, Star. High five." Dale holds up his hand, a soft smile on his face when Star presses her palm against his. She squeezes his hand gently and he nods, answering the unasked question, before his gaze shifts to me. "By the way, that's taking one for the team, Dash."

"And you've contributed what exactly?" I ask, grinning when Dale rolls his eyes.

Another thirty seconds pass and when we've opened our eyes, the spy has discarded a yellow mission card.

"Okay, sorry. It's all I have," Jeff says, tossing his card onto the pile. It's another one where we all draw a card, giving the spy another chance to draw a mission card.

Play continues for another three turns before Blake draws a card and proceeds to lay his cards face up in the middle of the board. He's got all three mission cards in all four colors. And we're all too stunned to speak for a second before noises of surprise and shock ripple through the group.

I look up at Blake's smirk. "You're the spy?"

His smirk breaks into a grin as he nods. "Yeah. Fucking fooled you, didn't I?"

Dale groans, burying his face in Mitch's shoulder, mumbling words about sucking and Blake possibly cheating. Mitch laughs, sliding his arm around Dale's back.

"Wow, great game, Blake," Danny says, smiling when Blake's stare shifts to him.

"No, not a great game. Oh my god, this sucks!" Jeff says, throwing his cards down in front of him. "This fucking blows. How were you able to lie like that? I always know when you're lying."

Blake laughs loudly. There's this bite to his words when he speaks, like he's chewing on the edge of bitterness. "No, you don't."

"Please, you're not subtle. I knew you were lying to me before our first game last season," Jeff says, continuing at the puzzled expression on Blake's face. "Come on, I came by your house? Your b—"

"Yeah, I remember. I know what you're talking about now," Blake cuts him off quickly, raising his voice to drown out Jeff's. His cheeks are flushed and his gaze darts away from Jeff before it's back on him again. "Either… either way, I won. So suck it."

Danny's eyebrows draw down and his stare shifts between Blake and Jeff, like he's trying to put something together in his mind.

Blake lets out a breath before he sticks his tongue out and Jeff laughs before lunging across the circle we're sitting in to make a grab for Blake. The two of them laugh, pushing and shoving each other and I toss my cards into the middle of the pile, shifting my stare to Danny.

"You okay?" I ask, earning his stare for a split second before he looks away, his stare drifting through the room. "Danny."

He nods, his gaze still set away from me. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Just… thinking."

I look back to Jeff and Blake, who are currently in some kind of wrestling match that Jeff's clearly winning. Blake manages to break Jeff's hold on him by bringing his knee up to Jeff's elbow to knock him off balance. Jeff's arm gives out and he lands on Blake's chest before Blake pushes him off.

"Oh my god, we've gotta be getting too old for that," Blake says, scooting back on the floor. He grins at Jeff before realizing that Jeff's sort of frozen in front of him. "What? Did I hurt you?"

"No, you're…" Jeff doesn't finish his thought but I see what's made him freeze, my own breath catching in my throat.

Paulina draws in a sharp inhale. "Blake, you're bleeding."

Everyone's attention shifts to Blake, who's frowning at Paulina. Even Dale resurfaces from Mitch's shoulder, his gaze running down Blake's frame until he sees it, too. This bright red color blooming on Blake's white t-shirt.

"What?" Blake asks, frowning as he looks down to his arms. "What do you—"

He's the one that freezes now, staring down at the blood on the stomach of his t-shirt. A silence ripples through the room before he lets out a shaky breath, raising his stare but not looking at any of us.

"That's… it's nothing. I… um." He lets out another shaky breath before he pushes himself up from the floor. "I'm just gonna—"

"Blake." Jeff gets to his feet too, grabbing onto Blake's arm when he tries to leave the room. "Hey, wait. It's me, talk to me. What is this?"

He tugs against Jeff's grip. "It's nothing. I'm just… I probably hurt myself earlier on the ice. I… I fell, you know?"

"No, you didn't. Blake — what is this?" Jeff asks, his tone more insistent now that Blake's trying to twist out of his grip. "Come on, what's going on?"

Blake finally breaks free of Jeff's hold with a strangled noise, pushing away from him. "Stop, it's… I-I said it's nothing. Just leave it alone." His gaze shifts from Jeff to the rest of us, his cheeks staining as he remembers that he's got an audience. "I'm fine. I'm just… gonna go and check it."

He leaves the room and Jeff tries to follow but Star calls his name. She shakes her head when he looks at her and for a second, he seems torn. He hesitates at the edge of the living room for a few seconds longer before he rejoins the circle, settling in next to Star.

"It's okay, baby," Star says, her voice gentle as she takes her hand in his. "It's alright, I'm sure he's okay."

"He's not though," Jeff says, his voice quiet but not quiet enough. He lets out a sigh, raking his fingers through his hair, and seems to give up on quiet. "He's getting worse and I... I can't do anything. I try to help but he… god, I wish he'd just let me help him."

Nik makes a soft noise, his eyebrows drawn together. "He's got to want the help though, Jeff." He continues when he earns Jeff's attention. "It sucks. It's one of the worst feelings in the world but until someone actually wants your help, you can't force it on them."

Derek blows out a breath, his gaze shifting to Nik. "It's true. And it does suck. Like… a lot."

Jeff groans, leaning his head back against the couch. He runs one hand down his face, nodding in the silence. "Alright, yeah. I get it, it's… yeah."

A door closes down the hall and we all turn to look at the sound. Blake's footsteps sound closer to us but they grow distant again. Jeff looks like he wants to go find him but Star squeezes his hand, leaning over to press a kiss to his cheek. I don't hear what she says but he nods, turning to her instead of chasing after Blake.

"Is something going on with him?" Danny asks, frowning when Jeff doesn't answer. "If you know something, you should tell us. Maybe we can help."

Jeff shakes his head, his stare shifting from Star to Danny. "He hasn't told me anything. I've just seen him getting worse and I… I don't know."

"Worse how?"

Danny's stare stays fixated on Jeff, like he can will the answers out of him. But Jeff shakes his head, not giving anything else. Danny starts to repeat the question but another door closes and this time, I hear Blake's footsteps drawing closer to us. And it's as if everyone in the room is holding their breath.

Blake's face is flushed as he steps into the living room again. He's changed his t-shirt, wearing a black one now. His gaze darts toward Jeff before he shifts it away, not looking at any of us in the silence. Jeff gives him all of twenty seconds before he asks.

"Are you okay?" He frowns when Blake nods. "What was that?"

Blake shakes his head. "It's nothing. Just a… it's a scab. Opened up again, it… it's nothing."

Even he can tell that no one in here buys that. But he doesn't leave it open for discussion. He rejoins us on the floor, tugging his hoodie off the end of the couch and slipping into it again.

"So… anyone interested in a rematch? Or are you worried I'm gonna kick your asses again?" He doesn't smile with the question and his gaze shifts around the room, like he's desperate for someone to change the subject. A year ago, I don't think I would have. I would've sat and watched him flounder instead. But I've been there.

Fuck, I'm currently there — hoping that Jeff and the others don't mention what happened while we were out to Danny. Or anyone. Praying that I can keep that close to my chest until I get a chance to figure out what the fuck happened.

"I mean, I'm always down to kick your ass," I say, smirking when Blake's gaze shifts to me. "I think you had beginner's luck there for sure."

Blake laughs. It's a quiet, breathy sort of laugh but it's a laugh. And it eases just a tiny sliver of the tension I can still see clinging to his expression. "Alright, yeah. I'll shuffle."

"I'm gonna call my parents first," Keith says, getting up from the floor. He slides his phone from his pocket, frowning at the screen before he glances toward Blake. "I can go out these doors, right?"

Blake barely glances toward him as he gathers up the cards, clearly trying to keep the attention off of him. "Yeah, do whatever."

Keith gets to the glass French doors leading to the porch. Unlocks one of them. And Blake stops suddenly, dropping the cards back together in a pile.

"Wait!" he calls but it's too late. Keith's pulled down on one of the handles and pushed the door open.

Something akin to a car alarm on steroids ricochets throughout the room, the shriek loud and insistent. Blake's face has lost color and he's up on his feet, tearing across the living room to the bookshelf behind where Jeff and Star are sitting. He darts past them, his words coming out in a rush.

"No, fuck, fuck. No, stop." His hands are shaking as he hauls books off the shelf, letting them clatter to the ground behind him. He pushes a final two from the shelf before he finds what he's looking for, a glowing red button that he mashes on before typing in a code on the keypad next to the button.

The alarm stops. And he lets out a shaky breath, the sound deafening in the sudden silence. Everyone else is too stunned to speak. Keith's still hovering in the doorway, his phone clutched tightly in his hand. He looks between Blake and the rest of us and back again.

Blake lets out a shaky breath, taking a small step back from the bookshelf. "Okay. I think… I think it's—"

His phone rings and he swears again, an anguished noise leaving him.

"No! God damn it, fuck!" Blake shouts in the silence, ignoring Jeff when his name's called.

He reaches out toward the bookshelf again, landing his fist against a picture frame that falls to the floor, glass shattering in the frame. Star yelps, moving away from the broken picture and Blake doesn't say a word. He grabs his phone from his back pocket, pressing it to his ear and sounding like his whole world just came to an end.

"Yeah, I'm aware. I already know," Blake's saying into the phone as he moves across the living room. He disappears down the hallway and there's a few seconds of silence before the front door opens and slams shut again.

Silence descends in the living room and no one knows what to say to break it. I've never seen Blake like this before. It's not just angry, it's… like the walls he's built and hides behind are crumbling down around him. I know that feeling. I'm living that feeling. But I've got Alex and Kendra and the whole Moreno family and Danny and… Blake doesn't seem like he's even talking to Jeff. Who does he have to tell this shit to?

Distant talking drifts in through the door Keith opened and he slowly pulls it shut, turning to look at the rest of us.

"I didn't know," he says in a quiet voice.

Kwan makes a soft noise. "No one knew, it's okay. It's not your fault." He reaches a hand out toward Keith. "Come on, come sit."

Keith looks to the hall Blake disappeared down before he nods, joining Kwan on the floor again. He fidgets with his phone and I start gathering the cards Blake dropped, just to have something to do with my hands, too.

I shuffle the deck three times before I start putting the cards away in the box they came in. I don't really see us playing another round — everyone's still silent, waiting on Blake to return.

He seems to talk outside for hours. In reality, it's a minute, maybe two. He shuts the front door quietly behind him and his footsteps are quiet as he approaches the living room. I almost expect his face to be flushed either from the cold or from a heated conversation with whoever called him. I'm guessing one of his parents.

Blake's face is just as colorless as it was when he was inside moments ago. He doesn't really look at any of us as he stops at the edge of the living room. He opens his mouth but Keith speaks first.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know that… I thought that door was connected to the same alarm system you deactivated when we first got here," Keith says, continuing when Blake does nothing more than nod. "I'm really sorry. I hope I didn't get you… in trouble or something."

Blake's eyes move over toward Keith but I get the sense he's not really looking at him. "It's fine. Don't worry about it. Use… use whatever door you want now. It's fine." He pockets his phone, his gaze shifting away from Keith, toward the rest of the room now. He's still not looking at anyone, really. More like the spaces between us. "I think I'm… gonna raincheck on another game. Take a shower. Head to bed. I'll… I'll see you guys later."

He turns to leave then and I almost expect Jeff to follow after him but he doesn't. He just watches Blake go like the rest of us, this quiet hush falling over the room. I hear Blake moving up the stairs before a door closes behind him. And Danny's the first of us to speak.

"God, I feel so bad for him," he says, his voice nothing more than a whisper on the words. His gaze shifts to me, a pinched expression on his face. "I don't… I don't even know what to say. He seemed so… so…"

"Terrified," Jeff finishes, continuing when he earns Danny's attention. "Something's going on with him. And I can't get him to talk about it."

Keith runs a hand down his face, a shaky breath leaving him. "I feel awful. I didn't mean to cause this."

"It's not your fault," Jeff says, shaking his head even though Keith's not looking at him. "This has been building for a while. Blake's been jumpy and skittish for weeks."

Star makes a soft noise, curling her hand around his arm and resting her head against his shoulder. She doesn't say anything but he leans into her touch like it takes his mind far away from Blake. And I wonder if Danny needs that from me. A moment to not worry about someone he used to know as well as he knows me. Maybe even better.

I let out a breath, getting up from the floor. I earn everyone's attention but I keep mine on the glass still on the floor. I step carefully around it, looking toward the others. "Does anyone know where the broom is here?"

"Uh, yeah. I saw it earlier, hang on," Derek says, getting up from the floor, too. He disappears down the hall in the direction of the entryway and I carefully kneel next to the pile of glass.

I separate the picture frame from the pile of glass, shaking it free of the glass still clinging to it. It's a photo of Blake when he was just a little kid, sitting on his parents laps. God, they look so much younger here. Both of his parents have gone gray now, a stark contrast to the dark hair they both match to Blake's in this photo. They each have an arm around him, a huge gap-toothed grin on Blake's face.

I wonder when it changed for him. If he was young like I was that day at the beach. When Mom nearly left Dad.

Danny makes a soft noise when I set the picture frame back on the bookshelf and start gathering up the larger pieces of glass. Danny joins me, his fingers trembling as he gently picks up the pieces and deposits them in the dustpan Derek brings us.

When the larger pieces are gathered, I start sweeping up the smaller pieces and Danny starts reshelving the books and various trinkets and decorations that were knocked to the floor. I know what this moment must have felt like to Blake. The pure terror in his voice when his phone rang. It seemed like he'd worked so hard to keep his parents from finding out that we're all up here. And in a single second, it all came crashing down.

Derek brings the kitchen trash can to me and I dump the contents of the dustpan into it, quietly thanking him before he takes it away again. I lean the broom against the wall and look to Danny, still adjusting and readjusting the decorations on the bookshelf. "I think I'm gonna go take a shower, too."

Danny gives a nod, looking toward me with the concern still in his eyes. "Okay. Let me know when you get out. I'll get in after you."

He hesitates for a second but when he steps closer to me, I meet his lips and he makes a soft noise. I don't let the kiss linger, pulling away after a few seconds. He brings his hand up to my face, gently running his thumb over my cheek. He gives me a smile before he drops his hand and I find it hard to disentangle myself from him.

The conversation is quiet as I leave the room and start up the staircase. I can hear the shower running in one of the bathrooms and I wonder if Blake's actually in the shower or if he's standing in the middle of the bathroom, coming completely undone. God knows I've done it. I rap my knuckles against the door but there's no response. So I leave. Get my clothes from my suitcase and get in the shower, too.

I know I wash my body and my hair but I don't know how long I stand under the spray, my mind turning over everything that's happened today. It's been too much. This whole trip has been too much. It was supposed to be this fun getaway but it's turned into something so fucking sinister. From Valerie's phone call to that car almost hitting me to Blake's near hysteria downstairs, it's… it's been a weekend none of us are ever going to forget.

---

From: Alex

Hey, I hope you're having a good time with your friends. Kendra and I want to Facetime you tonight. Is 9:30 okay? If not, let me know and we'll call later!

Alex's text makes me smile just for a second. Cause it's nice to hear from him. And they want to call me tonight. And it's so much more than either of my parents have ever done. I kinda just want to send back a string of heart emojis. I don't. I just type back okay.

My phone says it's just past nine when I close out of the message. I take a second to throw on a hoodie and put my brace back on before I leave the bedroom, in search of Danny. Someone's standing in the hallway, leaning against the stair banister when I step out in the hall. They raise their hand when they see me, calling out "hey." I recognize Jeff's voice.

"Hey," I say back, pulling the door shut behind me. I glance down the hallway but the bathroom Blake was in is now empty. I look back to Jeff. "Have you seen Blake?"

Jeff leans further back against the banister and it's impossible to see his expression in the darkened hallway, I can barely see his face. But his voice sounds exhausted. "Yeah. He came out like ten minutes ago. Didn't want to talk. Blew me off when I tried. And he's… I don't know. I think he just needs to be alone for a while."

"Yeah," I say, something in me wincing at the thought. How many times did I tell Kwan that same shit just to regret it as soon as I was alone? How many nights did I turn down the offer to crash at his place only to go to bed with new bruises, tears stinging my eyes as I tried to smother the sound against my pillow?

I start twice before the words make it out of me. "Do you really think he's getting worse?"

Jeff lets out a quiet breath and I can see him tilt his head back, staring up at the ceiling. I wonder how much he can see of it in the dark. Or if he's just trying to keep his gaze away from me. "I do. He's… been trying to be subtle about it. But I know him better than he thinks. And today was really bad."

My breath sticks in my throat and I shouldn't ask but I do. "You mean with the whole… eating thing?"

Jeff drops his head again, looking toward me now. Or I guess toward me. I don't know how much of me he can see in the dark. "Kinda thought I was the only one who's seen that."

"I just started noticing it," I say, continuing when Jeff makes a soft noise. "At school actually. How… how often does he join us at the lunch table without a tray of his own?"

"Too often."

Those two words send chills down my spine. I don't know how to help. And Jeff's known about this for longer than I have and Blake's not getting better — he's getting worse. Is there even anything any of us can do or say to make it better?

"He had me fooled for a long time. I started picking up on it in sophomore year but he had me convinced that it was a dietary restriction thing. Like allergies and sensitivities, you know?" Jeff blows out a breath. "I found out almost a year ago that was complete crap."

"How'd you find that out?"

Jeff makes a soft noise. "My parents are saints. Made him a special meal free of all the allergies he told me about so he could eat with us one of the times he slept over. My dad noticed he was still picking at his food. Blake told him he'd had a big lunch. And I… I knew he was lying." He groans, pushing away from the banister, running his hands down his face. "I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him about it but the last time I tried, he had a panic attack and I… I don't want to make things harder for him. God knows his parents do."

"Do you think… I mean would it help if it was more than just you there? Like if your parents talked to him too or—"

Jeff's shaking his head. He drops his hands from his face. "No. He'd just feel betrayed and he'd retreat again. And I don't like the thought of him spending more time at home. It's hard enough to get him to come hang out or spend the night as it is. I'm not going to jeopardize my home being a kind of sanctuary for him."

Yeah… yeah, I get it. I understand his point but it sucks. Jeff reaches out, patting my shoulder, and I feel like I should argue more. Insist that we talk to Blake about this. But… I wonder what I would do if I were in his place. If Kwan had told his parents things I made him swear would stay between us. Would I have thanked Kwan? Or would I have retreated?

"Dash, is that you?" Danny's voice calls from down the stairs and Jeff lets go of my shoulder.

I turn toward the sound. "Yeah, it's me. I'm out of the shower."

"Cool, I'm coming up."

Jeff gives me a nod before he moves down the hallway, disappearing inside the bedroom he's sharing with Star. I wait until Danny's on the landing before I push open our door, blinking in the sudden brightness of our bedroom.

"You okay?" Danny asks, closing the door behind him when he steps inside.

I nod, rubbing my fists against my eyes. "Yeah. Just tired." I drop my hands, turning to look at Danny. "Alex and Kendra want to call me so I'm gonna do that while you shower."

He nods, crossing the room over to his suitcase. "Yeah, okay." He unzips the top compartment but hesitates before turning around to look at me. "Can we talk for just a second first?"

I don't want to talk about our fight earlier but I sink down on the end the bed. "Sure."

Danny lets his suitcase fall closed again before crossing the room over to me. He sits next to me, his body angled toward me. His eyebrows drawn down. "I just… I wanted to talk to you about this whole… Blake thing."

"What 'thing'?" I ask, afraid for a moment that he heard me and Jeff in the hallway. Danny's teeth sink into his bottom lip. "What — oh. Because of what happened tonight?"

He nods. "Yeah. And because I… I mean I still really care about him, Dash. And I know that's… I'm with you and I don't want you think that I…" he trails off with a sigh, his gaze shifting away from me.

"This is different," I say, taking his hand in mine when he doesn't look back at me. Maybe I'm supposed to feel jealous over how much Danny cares about Blake but that's… it's not me. It's Danny. It's who he is — he cares. He's always cared. "It's fine. I know you care about him."

"Are you sure?" Danny asks, his eyebrows pinching together when he looks back at me. "Cause I know it sounds crazy to feel like there's still a connection between us but… there is."

That makes my heart skip for a split second, wondering if that connection is stronger than the one he has to me. I remember the way they fought today, before we got on the ice. That heat that flickered between them for a moment. And that wedges a tiny bit of uncertainty in my chest.

"You don't… want to be with him again, do you?" I ask, my breath catching on the words.

Danny's eyebrows rise and he shakes his head. "No, god no. I want you. But… I want to be able to look out for Blake, too. And not have you thinking that anything could ever happen between me and him."

I let out a breath slowly. Try to keep my mind from twisting what he's saying — turning it into something more sinister than he intends. "Then it's fine. I trust you, okay? You don't have to get my… like my permission or anything." I watch the hesitation still in his eyes so I repeat it. "I trust you, Danny."

He squeezes my hand in his before he closes the distance between us, pressing his lips to mine. And I fit my mouth to his. And he makes the cutest noise in my mouth when he pushes his tongue past my teeth. And we make so much damn sense, it's hard to imagine anything as simple as an ex could pull us apart.

---

I leave the bedroom when Danny's shut himself away in the bathroom. I don't feel like I can talk inside right now. Like the air is still electrified from our fight earlier. And the way Blake nearly dissolved in the living room. So I put my shoes on and go downstairs, stepping out onto the front porch. It feels like I need the chill of the night to shake these feelings from my bones.

Someone's standing at the far end of the porch — lit cigarette in their hand. For a second, I don't recognize them. But my breath catches and I freeze halfway out of the house when I realize who it is. And the scent hits me. Definitely not a cigarette.

"Hey," I call out, trying not to startle him.

It doesn't work.

Blake jerks at the sound of my voice, turning around to look at me, his eyes wide. He only looks my way for a second before he's looking away again. "Fuck." He lets out a breath, taking in a drag from his joint. "Thought you went to bed."

He's wearing just a t-shirt, black again, and sweatpants, his feet bare. I don't know how he's standing out here in this cold, I'm shivering already in my hoodie.

I shrug, moving across the porch to join him at the railing. "Not yet. Alex wants to call me first." I glance down at the time on my screen. Nine-twenty stares back at me. Ten minutes.

He lets out a breath that hangs in the air, the sickly scent of marijuana coiling around us. It does the opposite for me that it's doing for him. It just puts me on edge.

"I didn't know you were back to smoking," I say.

He makes a noise akin to a scoff. "Never stopped."

Somehow that surprises me and yet… doesn't. Not really. It kinda fits his way of dealing with shit. At least, what I can remember of how he used to deal. I knew him better in freshman year and the first part of sophomore year. This feels like it did then.

I shuffle closer to him on the porch. Lean my arms against the guardrail the way he is. My arm presses against him, his bare arm cold even through my hoodie. He doesn't pull away like I expected him to and that emboldens me.

"You know, even when I was smoking regularly, I could never get past the taste of marijuana. It's kinda sickly, you know?" I say, looking toward him in time to watch as he lifts the joint to his mouth, taking a long, slow pull.

He exhales, clouds billowing out from him and zig-zagging through the night sky. His gaze follows the smoke up, his voice low when he speaks. "I remember."

Blake sounds ten million miles away from this moment. Like he's drifting off into the night sky and I'm clinging to his feet. Desperately trying to pull him back down onto the porch with me.

"Seriously. How do you stand the taste of it?"

Blake gives a laugh. "I'd take being numb over a little taste distortion any day."

That sends a chill down my spine. "Y-Yeah but you know it—"

"Dash. I really don't want to talk about weed. I'm never going to stop so please don't give me the speech about my lungs, okay?" Blake says, looking at me now. Really looking at me. And it's impossible to look away from the agony in his eyes.

"Blake," I whisper, losing his stare immediately. "What's wrong?"

He takes in another drag. "What do you mean? My parents called. They hate my guts. Blah, blah, blah — same old sob story it's always been."

"Blake."

He huffs out a sigh, looking toward me. "What? What do you want me to say? You want me to stand here and bitch about how unfair my life is cause a stupid alarm alerted my parents that I'm up here? Big fucking whoop. Who cares?"

"I do," I say, continuing when he looks away from me. "And I'm not the only one. Blake, a lot of people care about you. And you—"

Blake lets out a breath that shakes — and he turns his head further away from me. But not before I catch the tear streaking down his face. He's… crying?

"Hey, i-it's okay," I try, completely at a loss here. Blake's never cried in front of me. My heart lodges itself in my throat when he shakes his head again. "It is. Come on, talk to me. What's going on?"

Blake doesn't answer me. Just stubs his blunt out on the porch railing, the light dying out with a quiet sizzle. He flicks it into the snow and runs his other hand down his face before he pushes away from the porch railing.

"Coming here was a mistake."

He says it so quietly, I almost miss it. It's barely a whisper between us but I hear him — feel the agony coursing through him with the few words.

"Because of the alarm?" I ask, earning another laugh that's barely a laugh. More like a pained noise bubbling up from his chest.

He jerks his hands through his hair, shaking his head as he looks at me. His eyes are red, tears brimming in them. The sight turns my stomach. "It's not just that. It's just… this place? Coming here with you guys? I thought it was fine and that I could… but I can't. And I fucking hate it."

"Hate what? What are you talking about?" I ask, catching his arm when he starts toward the door. "What is it?"

Blake lets out a choked noise — some half-garbled cry and panic splits through me.

"Hey, y-you can talk to me," I manage to say, but he's already shaking his head again — barely holding himself together. He won't look at me anymore and I can feel the shaking rattling through him. It nearly chokes me. But… I let go of his arm. I don't try to stop him when he leaves me out on the porch and disappears inside again.

I stand there, staring at the door, for what feels like forever. But my phone rings in my hand, Alex's name lighting up in the darkness of the porch. I hesitate just a second before I answer, his face filling my screen.

He grins, his voice clear through my phone's speakers. "Hey! Kens, I've got it working."

Kendra appears just behind Alex, grinning and waving when she sees me. "Hey, Dash! You having fun?"

Not even remotely close.

"I… y-yeah, I'm having a… a blast," I mumble.

Kendra settles in a chair next to Alex and he angles his phone so I can still see them both. "Where are you? It's so dark around you!"

"I'm just on the front porch," I say, turning my gaze back toward the door. Almost like I expect Blake to appear again. He doesn't. I look back to my phone, giving them a smile. "How's it been there?"

Alex makes a noise. "Quiet. Very boring."

"It's true. Alex keeps looking around for you. He even called your name up the stairs twice this morning," Kendra says grinning at the embarrassed smile on Alex's face. And they're so fucking cute and they care about me so fucking much and all I can think of is Blake. Trapped inside that big house of his with no one on the inside that cares about him even a fraction of the way Alex and Kendra care about me.

Tears sting my eyes and I'm grateful for the dark, hoping it doesn't show on their end. I draw in a breath and let it out slowly, shifting my stare to watch it rise in the night sky until it disappears into nothing.

"Is something wrong?"

I guess it must be obvious on my face. Alex's eyebrows are drawn together when I drop my stare back to my phone screen. I'm not sure how to put it into words. Blake was more excited than any of us to come up here. And now it's like he was secretly dreading it the whole time. And Danny and I spent a long time fighting. And that car nearly ran me off the road and some of my friends saw the panic rattle through me and I—

"I-I don't know. Maybe," I admit, letting out a breath with the words. Alex doesn't interrupt me, nodding once in the quiet like he's waiting for me to continue. I'm not sure what else to say but words pour out of me. "It's like… did you ever know someone that just… you think you have them figured out and then they surprise you?"

Kendra makes a soft noise, leaning into Alex more. "Yes."

"It's just… it's frustrating cause I didn't even know there was a problem. And now that I do, it's like… I don't know how to fix it. I don't even know where to start, really," I say, more to myself than either of them.

"Did this person ask for your help?" Alex asks, continuing at the silence I give them. "Then there's your answer, Dash. If they don't ask for your help, you've got to assume that they don't want it. Especially if you've offered and they've turned you down."

I move one hand from my phone to push my hair back from my face. Another shiver races through me despite my hoodie. Damn these thin ass pajama pants. "Yeah, well… he's my friend. And I want to help him. Even if he thinks I can't."

"Is this Danny we're talking about…?" Kendra asks, a curious expression on her face.

I let go of my hair, shaking my head. My gaze slides to Alex. "No, it's Blake."

Alex makes a noise and Kendra looks at him. "He's the one I don't like, right?"

I let out a breath that carries far more annoyance than I meant and I see the surprise on Alex's face. "He's… there's something going on but he won't talk about it. Not to anyone and I—"

"Dash, let me ask you a question," Alex interrupts with, waiting until I fall silent before he asks. "Before you moved in with me — when I would ask about your parents and try to figure out what was going on… didn't that just annoy you? Didn't you pull back from me every time?"

Fuck.

"This is different," I say, hating the knowing expression on his face.

"How?"

"Fuck, Alex — I don't know. It just is." I let out a breath at his silence. Kendra's watching us without saying a word, her gaze shifting from Alex back toward me. "Blake is… god, he's struggling. He has been for months. Everyone sees it and he just keeps bullshitting that everything's fine."

"You mean like you used to? Like you still do to me sometimes?" Alex asks, looking toward Kendra when she calls his name. "What? It's the truth."

He doesn't get it. Neither of them get it. I couldn't tell anyone. My dad was the god damn police chief. What could anyone have done? But Blake is… he could reach out for help. I think Blake's just scared to. More than I was. Like he's afraid we're all gonna disappear the moment he tries reaching out. And I can't blame him for thinking that way cause I'm part of the fucking problem.

I knew something was up in sophomore year. He started calling me late in the night, his voice barely more than a whisper. He claimed it was just to talk and that he couldn't sleep but I knew it was more than that. I knew it was more than that and I pulled back. Cause I had my own shit to deal with and I didn't want to have to deal with anyone else's. How goddamn selfish is that?

"You don't get it," I mumble, looking away from the railing with a sigh. I'm not ready to admit any of this to Alex and Kendra.

Alex's laugh is quiet but I still catch it. "I think I get it more than you know, kiddo. Just trust me on this, alright? Before you can help anyone, they've gotta be ready to be helped. Otherwise you're just wasting your time and they'll pull back from you."

I hate that he's making sense. Hate that I can't just figure this out for Blake. For everyone inside. For Nik, having to deal with his mother and everything that's happened since Zane caught him after the winter formal. For Keith and his sister getting worse every day. For Danny… and all the ways I still hesitate when I think about touching him.

Snow drifts softly down from the sky and I twist my fingers in my hair as I stare out at it. From here, it feels like I'm standing inside a snowglobe.

"Are you doing okay, Dash?" Kendra asks, her voice soft and so fucking kind, it makes my eyes sting again. She waits for my answer but continues at my silence. "You don't have to carry everyone else's problems, too. It's okay if you just focus on you."

That's not really true, is it? If Alex and Kendra were just focusing on them, we wouldn't be having this conversation. I wouldn't be living with them. I wouldn't be standing out here on the cold front porch, wishing I could turn back time. Be there for Blake. Stop him from spiraling.

"Yeah, I get it," I mumble, returning my stare to my screen. I wonder if they can see the tears still stinging my eyes.

Alex's voice is quiet when he speaks. "Kendra's right. You can't carry everything for everyone else all the time. You gotta take that weight off your shoulders and just breathe for a while. And… I mean, you really can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped, Dash."

I let go of my hair, a frustrated sigh leaving me. "You already said that."

"It bears repeating."

"Well… I should probably go. We're getting an early start tomorrow," I say.

Kendra makes a soft noise and Alex's eyebrows pull together but I don't take it back.

I don't know when the fuck we're leaving tomorrow but I can't listen to Alex tell me over and over that there's nothing I can do. Since my royal fuck up with Blake, I've tried to make up for it. Done whatever shit I could to lighten the load on someone else's shoulders. I can't help it — it's the way I'm wired.

"Alright, well… sleep well then. Text me before you leave?" Alex asks.

I nod, shifting my gaze away from my phone. "Yeah. Sure."

"Sleep well, Dash. We can't wait to see you tomorrow when you get home," Kendra says, a soft smile on her face when I look back at her. She leans over to kiss Alex on the cheek before she leaves the frame entirely.

Alex's eyes move as he watches her leave before his gaze falls back on the screen. And the silence is thick between us. And of fucking course, he's the one to break it. "You know I love you, right?"

I run my fingernail against the edge of the porch railing, unable to keep my gaze on him now. "Yeah, I know. I love you, too."

Alex is quiet for a few seconds, and when he finally speaks again, it's tense. Like he doesn't know where he stands with me. I hate that. "Well… goodnight, Dash. Drive safe tomorrow."

"I will. Night, Alex," I say before I end the Facetime. I stare down at Alex's name and smiling profile photo until it disappears, my screen display turning off and plunging me into the darkness of the porch.

That really wasn't what I wanted to hear from them. But maybe I needed to hear it. Because maybe I can't throw somebody a lifeline if they're not ready to get out of the water.

---

It's quiet downstairs when I slip back inside. I lock the front door, my gaze lingering on the bookshelf Blake deactivated the alarm system on the moment we stepped inside. It's like he knew this might happen. Jumped ahead of it but… it wasn't enough.

I hear someone in the kitchen the closer I get to it and I round the corner, seeing Nik standing in the middle of the kitchen. His face is flushed, his hand to his mouth like he's about to either laugh or hurl.

"Nik? What are you doing?"

He jumps, his hand dropping from his mouth as a squeak leaves him. He turns to look at me, his face definitely flushed. He just stares at me, like he's trying to figure out what I'm doing here.

"Are you alright? You look… really spooked," I say, glancing past him toward the stairs. My stomach plummets, wondering if something happened here that I should have prevented. If maybe everything I said outside pushed him over the edge and Blake— "Did Blake… Blake didn't say anything to you, did he?"

"No, he didn't say anything," he says, his voice quiet. "I-I mean I said hi as he was headed up the stairs but he just nodded."

Oh. Okay. False alarm. I nod, my stare drifting away from Nik. There are… two mugs sitting out on the counter. Was someone else down here with Nik? Was… is he lying to me? Was Blake with him?

"I'm gonna… head up. Um," Nik darts his gaze away from me when I look toward him. "Goodnight, Dash."

I don't know what to think. Maybe everything that happened today has made me completely paranoid. I'm seeing shit that's not there anymore. A breath escapes me, my voice quiet in response. "Night, Nik."

He disappears up the stairs and I can't help my stare drifting back toward the mugs. And I feel crazy but I cross the kitchen over to them, feeling the outside of one of them. Still warm. Maybe Blake was down here with him. Or maybe I'm fucking exhausted and grasping at motherfucking straws. God, I just need to sleep.

---

Danny's awake when I get upstairs. He's got his glasses on, reading a book that he closes when I step inside.

"Hey," he greets, setting the book down on the nightstand on his side of the bed.

I lean my weight against the door to close it behind me. "I didn't mean to interrupt… you can keep reading."

He makes a face as he takes off his glasses and sets them on top of the book. It reminds me of my mother. When I'd come home late and she'd be up reading in the living room. Anything to keep away from Dad.

Fuck.

"Please are you kidding me? I'll gladly take a break from that," Danny says, leaning back against the headboard. He smiles at me — and despite the shit twisting around inside my gut, I go to him.

Sink down on the mattress. Let him pull me in for a kiss. He runs his hands down my body and I let him. Let his fingertips explore every dip and curve along my chest. Until his hand drifts lower, fingers tugging at my waistband again.

"Not tonight," I mumble, pulling away from his lips just long enough to speak.

Danny makes a soft noise against my lips when I kiss him again before pulling away. I can feel his gaze on me but I won't look up at him. Wait for him to ask instead.

"Why not?" His voice is soft on the words, his chest still close to mine. I can't tell if he's irritated or not. His index finger is still on the inside of my waistband. He tugs gently on it, I think more to get my attention than anything else.

I lift one shoulder in a shrug. I wish I could let that be my answer but he needs words. "There's just… I've got a lot on my mind. I don't feel like it."

Danny pulls his finger from my waistband. "Oh… okay. What's on your mind?"

"Everything," I mumble, letting him take my hand when he reaches for it. "I don't know. A lot of fucked up shit has happened, you know?" He squeezes my hand but keeps silent. And I give more. "And I keep thinking about the shit Valerie said. Y'know, with… with all the phantom stuff."

He lets out a breath, placing his hand on my thigh now. "Hmm… you sure something like this wouldn't clear your mind?"

I nod but Danny doesn't move his hand. And last night hasn't left my mind, despite talking with Nik this morning, I still can't get it out of my head.

"Well, try not to think about what Valerie said." Danny's hand moves up further on my thigh. And I can't do this. Not tonight.

"I can't stop," I say, pulling my hand from his.

He gets the message. Takes his hand from my thigh. And I keep my stare locked on the blankets.

"Do you want to just… sleep then?" Danny asks.

I nod and I feel his weight leave the mattress. He moves across the room to the light switch, turning the light out. He stands in the darkness for a few seconds and I get out of bed, pulling the blankets down on my side of the bed before I crawl beneath them. He joins me, his body a thousand miles away from mine beneath the blankets.

A year passes in silence as we lay there in the dark. When Danny speaks, it's soft. Whispered.

"Did I do something wrong last night?"

"No."

It's the truth. He didn't.

"Did you… hate it?"

Hate's a strong word.

"No."

Danny lets out a breath, the sound loud in the silence. He's quiet for a few seconds but I know him. Not knowing is burning at him. "Okay, well… was it me? Was I bad at it or-"

"This isn't about last night," I cut him off with. "I'm just exhausted and… I can't get my mind off of shit. It's been a really crazy day."

At least part of that is true.

"Then… can I at least ask you about last night?" he asks, his voice soft.

I reach up to my head, twisting my fingers in my hair. I don't want to talk about this. Don't wanna lie to spare his feelings. Pretend I'm less fucked up than I am.

"Was it… good?"

Fuck — it was. That's the problem.

"Yeah, it… you were great."

Danny lets out a breath. "But did you like it? Like… are you more into just sex or is other stuff like what we did okay, too?"

I don't know. Paulina and I did plenty of shit I liked. But it's different with Danny. I'm different with him. I don't know what to do with my hands or my body when I'm with him like that. And when I touch him, it's not his voice I hear. Not him that hurls insults at me and calls me every awful thing in the book.

It's my dad. It's always my fucking dad.

"Yes, I liked it," I say, not entirely sure that's the truth.

Danny doesn't seem convinced. He makes a soft noise that I know means he's gonna ask me something else about it. And it's too damn hard to serve him these half-truths and cover ups. So I cut him off before he can ask.

"Can we talk about this tomorrow or something? I really just want to sleep."

He doesn't say anything and I twist my fingers tighter around my hair. Until tears sting my eyes. Until he rolls over, a soft "goodnight" tumbling from him.

Fuck. I'm fucking it up again.

It wasn't like this with Paulina. We'd fuck all the time and it only brought us closer. But everything's fucked up with Danny. Cause I don't know how to hold him and kiss him and fuck him without the weight of this panic crushing the both of us.

And he thinks I don't want him. And that's the worst fucking part. Cause I've never wanted anyone as much as I want him.

"Night Danny," I whisper it quietly and he gives no sign that he heard me.

And I lay awake, cursing my own name for this shitty situation we're in. For just not giving in and letting him touch me when I had the chance. All he's ever asked is to help me. To love me. And I couldn't even give him that.

---

My head feels foggy when I wake. The sky's just barely started to lighten, most of it that I can see from the balcony doors is still dark blue. But I look to Danny's still sleeping form and I can't lay here.

I get up and dress as quietly as I can. Danny doesn't stir so I slip from our room and go downstairs.

Derek's at the kitchen table, his laptop open, papers strewn across the table. He looks up when I step down from the last stair. He spits out the pencil clenched between his teeth and gives me a smile.

"Hey." He takes his obnoxiously large headphones off. "You're up early."

"So are you." I wander closer to the table. Even from a distance, I can tell he's working on homework. I'd recognize math anywhere.

Derek sets his headphones down on an open textbook. "Never went to bed actually."

"Seriously?"

He nods, looking back to me. "Insomnia's a bitch, dude. I figured I'd get some schoolwork done instead. Try to bore myself to sleep."

I've been desperate for sleep before but never so desperate that I'd choose to do homework.

"You want a coffee? I'll make you one." Derek's already halfway out of his chair before I answer.

"I can make a pot, you don't have to make me anything," I say.

Derek shakes his head. "It's no problem. And I like making coffee. So you just sit down somewhere."

I sink down in the chair across from where his laptop is as he busies himself in the kitchen. I watch him disassemble part of the espresso machine and carry it over to the sink. He opens a cabinet above the sink and pulls out a paper towel, running it over one side of the part he's holding.

"Thanks," I say, continuing when he nods. "I'm kind of jealous of Star right now. A live in barista? That's the dream."

He snorts, dropping the paper towel on the counter. "She's not really drinking coffee that often right now. And she hasn't been home in weeks."

"Really?" I ask, continuing when he nods. "Is this about the baby?"

Derek looks to me that, letting out a breath before he looks away again. He carries the part back over to the espresso machine, taking a different part over to the sink and filling it with water. "Yeah, it is. She told our parents about the baby and they want nothing to do with her. Unless she gets an abortion of course. Then it's all smiles and welcome home apparently."

Ugh. Assholes.

"I'm sorry," I say.

He shrugs, pouring water into the back of the espresso machine. "It's not your fault."

"Where's she been staying? At Jeff's?"

He snaps something closed on the machine and I hear it hum to life. He pushes a button on the top of the machine before looking at me. "Yeah. She's gonna get the rest of her shit eventually but… she's basically moved out at this point."

Someone's voice drifts from upstairs, slowly getting closer. Derek looks up at the sound but I see him before Derek does.

"Hey Nik," I call out when he's halfway down the stairs.

He looks up at the sound, his phone to his ear. He smiles in my direction, a sleepy expression on his face as he tilts the bottom of his phone away from his mouth. "Hey. Gimme a second, okay?"

As soon as the words leave his mouth, I hear the volume of the person on the other end increase. He lets out a sigh as he steps off of the bottom stair. "I am listening, Mom. You're talking about the fair? And the stall he rented?"

He crosses through the kitchen and I listen as his footsteps and voice fade down the hall. Just as the door closes behind him, the espresso machine beeps. Derek stabs his finger against the button like it personally insulted him.

"She's such a bitch," he says, not looking at me with the words. "She only ever calls to talk at him — not with him. It's not a conversation, it's just her waiting to catch him doing something she doesn't like."

"Yeah I met her… when Nik was… after the dance," I say, my chest squeezing just remembering how much pain Nik was in when she made him follow her out to her car.

He lets out an irritated sigh, turning to look at me as he nudges a mug underneath the stream of espresso pouring out of the machine. "She's cruel. And I hate that he has to spend time with her at all."

"Why does he?" I ask, continuing at Derek's silence. "When I was at his place, his mom mentioned something about… talking to her lawyers about the… custody agreement or something?"

Derek rolls his eyes, collapsing back against the nearest counter. "Yep. That's classic Sheri fucking Williams. Always wants to bring up that stupid custody shit to Nik's dad — who does everything for him, by the way. She doesn't even know what he likes to fucking eat."

His face is red, hands clenched into fists as he looks away from me. And I can only imagine what this is like for him. For Nik and his dad… it sucks.

"I'm sorry," I say.

Derek shakes his head but doesn't offer anything other than that. He keeps his gaze set away from me, his posture rigid against the counter. Until the machine beeps. Then he pushes away from the counter and goes to retrieve my coffee. He gets milk from the fridge and I watch as he uses the machine to froth it.

"You like vanilla cream, yeah?" he asks, his voice quiet on the question.

"Yeah," I say, getting up from my chair as he opens the cabinet above him to get out creamer pods. I cross through the kitchen and watch as he tears open the cups, dumping two into the espresso before he shuts the frother off. "Thanks for making my coffee."

He nods, his back to me as he slowly pours the milk into the mug. Silence falls save for the sound of him pouring and stirring. He keeps his back to me and I feel like that makes it easier to ask.

"So what is… what's the custody agreement about? Like… does he have to see her every week or something?"

Derek turns around, holding my mug out toward me. He speaks when I've taken the mug from him. "Nik has to spend every weekend with her. And they have to split the holidays evenly. And fuck if you forget about one little holiday that Nik doesn't even celebrate — god forbid Sheri doesn't get him for fucking Groundhog Day."

"That's insane," I say, holding Derek's stare despite the intensity in his eyes. "Is there nothing Javier can do about it?"

"Nope. Cause our good old justice system says that Nik needs two parents to be a well-rounded, functioning member of society. Never mind the fact that she makes him feel like absolute shit about himself." Derek turns around, wiping down the espresso machine with a paper towel.

I start to say something but he cuts me off, turning around to look at me again.

"And you know the worst fucking part? Nik's tried. He's tried to talk to the court — tell them he doesn't want to have to see her anymore. And her goddamn lawyer always turns it around on his dad instead. Saying that he put Nik up to it. Last time, she almost—"

He cuts himself off with an angry sigh, turning around and continuing to wipe down the espresso machine. He goes through three paper towels before he continues.

"Last time, she almost took him away from his dad for good. Nik hasn't tried again since," he says, his voice so soft now. Like all the anger gave way to the fear running through him.

"I'm sorry." I don't know what else to say, it just… sucks.

Derek nods. "Yeah. We're all sorry for him. Him and his dad — she always puts them through hell." He turns around to look at me again, lifting one shoulder in a shrug. "It just sucks cause Nik is… he's like the goddamn sun, you know? Always happy, he's got this zest for life that kinda feels unnatural and it's like… one weekend around her and Nik's quiet again. And he doesn't like to talk about her cause there's no point, nothing changes. So he tries to play peacemaker and keep his mom happy while hearing every awful thing she has to say about him and his dad and I… I just wish I could help him the way that he helps other people."

"Yeah. I… I definitely get that," I say, letting out a breath. Alex's words from last night come back to me but… they don't really apply here. Derek wants to help Nik. And Nik wants help. But their hands are tied. It doesn't matter how many life preservers Derek throws his way if Nik's mom is the one dragging him back into the river.

Derek watches me for a second before he nods to the table. I follow him over to it and we take our places across from each other. Derek's gaze falls to his computer screen, moving his mouse and clicking a few things before his gaze shifts back up to me.

"His dad's tried too, you know. But the court only cares about abuse if you can see a mark." Derek drops his head in his hands, a frustrated sigh leaving him.

That sends a jolt through me. "His mom is… she's abusing him?"

Derek lifts his head from his hands. "Not physically. But she fucks him up emotionally all the time. And she's a fucking champion gaslighter. Twists all their interactions until he's the one apologizing, thinking that he's done something wrong. She's manipulative as hell."

God. That's so fucking awful. And it's… it's not even that unfamiliar to me. Mom had her chosen moments of twisting what I said at times. I can't imagine if she was like that all the time. Man, poor Nik.

I'm not sure what to say next but I don't get the chance. The front door opens again, quickly shutting again behind Nik. He comes down the hallway, a grin on his face as he steps into the dining room with us.

"Holy fuck, you guys. It's so cold out — either of you been outside yet?" he asks.

I glance to Derek. He's got sympathy in his eyes but I get the feeling that the stuff he told me isn't something Nik advertises to just anyone. "No, I just got up like ten minutes ago. Derek was a godsend and made me coffee."

Nik's gaze shifts to Derek. "You've been up for a while? Or… did you just not sleep again?"

Derek shifts his stare from his laptop to Nik. "Didn't sleep. But — I got that history paper written I was bitching about so… it worked out well, I guess."

The way the skin around Nik's eyes pinches at that tells me he doesn't think it worked out well at all. He gives a smile anyway, nodding toward Derek. "Well… maybe you can sleep on the way home."

"Yeah, maybe," he says but the look he gives Nik is clear that neither one of them think that's gonna happen. He pushes back from his laptop. "Anyway. You want a coffee? Cause I think I'm gonna take a shower but I can make you one before I go."

Nik shakes his head. "No, you go ahead. I'll get one from Starbucks when we leave here."

Derek makes a face at the mention of Starbucks but I speak before he can. I feel like I need to broach the topic somehow.

"Did your mom wake you?" I ask, looking to Nik with the question.

He shifts his stare to me at that, nodding once. "Yeah. But everyone else is still asleep and I didn't want to wake anyone so I came downstairs to talk. And leave it to the frigid temperatures outside to keep me awake now."

"You can go back to sleep, you know," I say. "I wasn't planning on leaving until the afternoon. Since it's Blake's place, we're going to be the last to leave anyway."

Nik hesitates, looking like the option of sleep is enticing. But he shakes his head. "No. I'm awake now so… might as well get up." He looks away from me, his gaze landing on Derek again.

I'm not sure what passes between them but when Derek nods, Nik crosses the dining room over to him. He hugs Derek close to his chest, dropping his cheek against Derek's head.

Derek lets out a quiet laugh, reaching his hand up to pat the side of Nik's face. "I'm okay. Seriously."

Nik mumbles something I don't catch before he turns his head to kiss the top of Derek's head. A jolt runs through me at the contact and I… I thought Derek said that he's straight. And he said… said that Nik was like the sun.

"Go take your shower," Nik mumbles against Derek's head before he pulls away. He tousles Derek's hair before he steps away from him, moving into the kitchen now. I watch as he takes down a bowl and pours a packet of oatmeal into it. He's adding water and stirring it as Derek starts packing up his textbooks back into his backpack.

I set my coffee down on the table and start closing some of the textbooks he's left open. He shoots me a smile and closes his laptop, turning off his headphones before he packs the laptop away in a separate bag. He zips it closed before taking the last of the textbooks from me. He thanks me quietly before he leaves his chair.

I watch him climb the staircase again before I look at Nik. He's leaning back against the counter, his gaze on his phone. I wonder if this is why Derek's so defensive of Nik — why he wouldn't let any of us ask any questions about why his dad kept calling him. If Derek and Nik are dating then… then all of his protectiveness makes so much more sense.

Nik looks up at me with a frown, his gaze curious as he watches me.

"What?" I ask, my face warm.

"Nothing. You were staring," he says, nodding toward the stairs. "Did Derek say something to you?"

"No, he didn't, I… sorry," I mumble, looking away from him. I don't know how to naturally bring up all the shit Derek told me about Nik's mom. She's awful. And he should know that. But… if it was me, hearing it from someone that doesn't really know me would just piss me off.

The microwave beeps and Nik retrieves his oatmeal. He gets a spoon from a drawer and stirs the oatmeal as he crosses over to the table. He nudges some of the papers Derek left out of his way before he settles down across from me.

"So… you're not going to tell me then?" he asks, a gentle smile on his face a he lets his spoon rest in his oatmeal. "You don't have to."

I drop my gaze from him. "Sorry. I just… I thought you said that Derek's straight but you… and he… I'm sorry, it's none of my business."

"Wait — hold up. That seemed gay to you?" Nik asks, shaking his head when I look up at him. But his expression doesn't portray irritation like I expected it to. It just looks a little sad instead.

"I mean, I wouldn't… say it like that."

He lets out a breath. "I'm just a really affectionate person. I am with all my friends - but that doesn't mean anything romantic about my relationship with any of them."

"Most… most of my friends are athletes. I guess we tend to… show affection differently," I say.

Nik shrugs. "Maybe. Or maybe you don't know what affection's supposed to look like."

I meet his stare and he drops his from mine.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that," Nik gives me an apologetic smile as he looks up from the table. "You don't have to talk about it."

Months ago, someone sensing something like that in me would have shaken me. It would have ripped right through me and I wouldn't have known what to do. But I'm steadier now than I was then.

"You don't have to apologize," I say, nodding when he looks up at me again. My face is on fire but… I think he's right. Last night, Alex and Kendra calling me is the first time I can remember someone checking on me while I've been out of town. My own parents didn't even give a shit when I went to the championship game. I don't think my dad called at any of my other away games either. "You might be right about that. Maybe a little."

He nods, scraping the last of his oatmeal into his spoon before he looks up again. "Yeah, maybe. Have you thought anymore about what I said yesterday?"

My heart seizes in my chest and my breath catches in my throat. Fuck.

Nik doesn't take it back or say I don't have to talk about it like I expect him to. He just keeps staring at me. I guess yesterday morning scared him more than I thought.

"Yeah, I thought about it," I say, dropping my gaze to the table. I run my finger over the lip of my coffee mug. "But I mean… these thoughts will just go away on their own eventually, right?"

Nik lets out a soft breath, his bowl clinking softly as he sets it down on the table again. "Maybe. Or maybe they'll get worse." He shrugs when I look up at him. "If it was me, I wouldn't take any chances. Looking back now, I can see how bad I was really doing. And I kept convincing myself I was fine. Right up until the day I put that rope around my neck."

My breath catches again and I ache to tell him that it was different for him. He needed help and I just… need to stop thinking about it. Stop focusing on what happened that day with Dad. Because it's over now. It's not like talking about it is going to change what happened.

"So we're… making a stop at Starbucks, huh?" I ask, looking up at Nik as I lift my mug from the table.

His eyebrows pull together just a little, like he wanted me to be honest with him about the shit running circles in my head. But I can't say it. I was different person yesterday — all too willing to let him see the secret parts of my pain.

"Dash, you-"

"Don't tell Alex what I told you," I say, nodding when Nik holds my stare. "I'll figure it out, alright? I'll… I'll talk to my therapist about it."

He gives me a look like he calls bullshit but he lets it go with a simple nod. He leans back in his chair, turning his gaze out to the kitchen.

"I don't care if we go to Starbucks or not. I'll probably just put on a pot of coffee instead," he says, rising from his spot at the table, picking up his bowl with him.

I watch him cross through the dining room and into the kitchen again. He turns on the water and takes the time to wash and dry his bowl and spoon before putting them both back where he got them.

"Do you want me to put the coffee on?" I ask.

Nik shakes his head, turning to look at me over his shoulder. "No, I've got it. Thanks though."

I turn my stare back to the table until the silence is too much and I have to take my phone out. I browse Facebook while Nik puts on coffee. And we wait together as it brews, light conversation passing between us. I think he can tell that I'm not in the headspace to talk. And I don't think I care that he can tell.

---

Derek comes down the stairs just after seven and I go up to take a shower, leaving Nik and Derek in a rather animated conversation about something one of their friends texted them about. I sneak into my room and Danny doesn't even stir as I get my clothes and get in the shower.

I don't exactly rush but I'm out of the shower and dressed in less time than usual. I'm ready to get out of here but Danny's still sleeping so I leave our room as quietly as I can.

Derek's gone from the dining room when I come down the stairs. Blake's sitting across from Nik now. He's still in his pajamas, mug of coffee in his hand. His stare shifts toward me, lingering on me for a second before he looks away with a nod. Like he doesn't want me to bring up last night. Out on the front porch. I don't know how I would even if I had the words he needed to hear.

Nik lets out a breath, looking up from his phone with a groan. His gaze flicks up to Blake. "I can't get it. What is it?"

Blake grins. "A chain."

"Fuck, are you kidding me?" Nik asks, dropping his gaze back to the phone. "Oh my god, that's a stupid one."

"Uhh… excuse you, that's genius." Blake grins, his gaze flicking toward me. "I'm making him play my riddle app. He keeps getting stuck so easily."

I step into the dining room, tugging my phone free from my back pocket as I go. "Oh yeah? What was the riddle?"

"I'm full of holes but strong as steel," Nik reads out, scoffing when Blake laughs. "You play these all the time so of course you're going to think it's easy."

I one-handedly type a text to Alex, pouring myself another coffee with the other. I can hear Blake and Nik squabbling over the riddles but I don't actually catch what they're saying.

To: Alex

We'll be leaving in a couple of hours as soon as everyone else wakes up

See you guys soon

I try to leave it at that but I add a heart emoji after the two texts, warmth blooming in my chest. I feel unfinished after our conversation last night so I try to put it into words but I can't think of them. So I leave it at that and stir creamer into my coffee.

"I'm literally in advanced English, why is this stumping me?" Nik groans as I join them at the table again. He looks to me that. "Dash, the riddle is I can run but never walk, I have a mouth but never talk, I have a head but never weep, I have a bed but never sleep."

He looks up at me as he finishes, his eyebrows drawn down in concentration. "What is that?"

I take a sip of coffee before I set my mug on the table. "It's a river."

"Shit," Nik says, shaking the phone in Blake's direction who just laughs. "That's such bullshit! How did you even know that?"

He looks to me with the question and I almost blow it off. Almost just say it was a lucky guess. But the truth comes tumbling from me instead.

"My mom used to give me riddles during summer break." I shrug when Nik's eyebrows pull together. "It was an easy way to pass the time. When I'd solve one, she'd give me another. Sometimes it took me days to get the answer but she'd always give me another when I guessed right."

Nik sets the phone down the on the table. "Yeah? How'd that get started?"

I shrug as I sip coffee again. And I decide to be honest.

"I think it started after my dad got violent. It was an easy way to keep me indoors and away from questioning gazes." I continue when Nik's eyebrows draw down. "It doesn't matter. What's the next riddle?"

He hesitates on looking down at the phone again. "What has thirteen hearts but no organs?" Nik looks up from the phone, still frowning. "Blake says this one is easy but I've been stuck for an hour and he won't give me the answer to this one."

"It's stupid easy," Blake says, his gaze shifting to me. "Just think about it for a second, Dash. Thirteen hearts, no organs."

I turn the phrase over in my mind, trying to figure out what the fuck kind of human or animal could have no organs but multiple hearts. I almost guess some type of snake but the phone rings before I can make a guess.

"Um. I think your dad's calling," Nik says, pushing the phone across the table toward Blake.

Blake seems to freeze for a split second and the moment he unfreezes, he loses that carefree grin. His eyebrows draw down instantly and the breath he lets out has more than a little shake to it.

He grabs his phone from the table and wordlessly gets up from the table. He presses the phone to his ear but doesn't say anything. I catch a man's voice coming through the other end of the phone but I don't hear what he says. Blake passes by me too fast, heading out the door and onto the front porch.

Silence settles at the table for a few minutes but Nik doesn't let it linger for long.

"Is his dad… kind of like yours?"

The question sends a jolt through me and all I can think about is what Danny told me. How Blake stood between him and his father, protecting Danny from shit he should never have to deal with. And the words burn on the way out but I know they're true.

"I think he's exactly like my father."

---

Blake's subdued when he comes back inside. He hasn't been gone fifteen minutes but I know it must have felt like years to him, stuck on the phone with his dad. His steps are slow as he comes inside and when he enters the dining room, he doesn't look at any of us. He sits in his spot again, his gaze on his phone.

Nik glances toward me before his stare is on Blake. I think the silence is tearing at him more than it is me.

"Are you alright?" he asks.

Blake doesn't respond, moving his gaze out the window instead. He props his elbow up on the table and drops his chin in his hand. The breath he lets out betrays how shaky he is right now. I don't blame him.

"Was he mad that you came up here with us?" Nik asks, continuing despite Blake's pointed silence. "You know that you don't have to please them, right? You're allowed to do what you want. Even if they don't like it."

Blake lets out a humorless laugh, finally looking away from the window. He sets his stare on Nik, shaking his head before he responds. "No offense but you don't know the first thing about my family. Doing what I want is never an option."

"Well… it was this weekend," Nik says, giving a smile despite Blake's frown. "Maybe this is just the first step of breaking away from what they want. So you can do what you want to instead."

Blake looks away from him again and I decide to save him from this conversation.

"Deck of cards," I say, continuing when Blake looks toward me. "That's what has thirteen hearts but no organs."

The small smile I'm rewarded with makes me smile in return. And the indignant expression on Nik's face has me laughing.

"That's stupid," Nik mumbles, his cheeks flushed.

Blake looks toward him. "I told you it was stupid easy. It only took Dash a few minutes to work that one out."

The stairs creak behind me and when I turn to look, Danny's stepping off the last stair. He's dressed in jeans and a long sleeved black t-shirt, a chalk drawing of an alien on the front. He smiles when he sees me.

"Hey," he glances around at the others. "Am I the last one awake?"

I shake my head. "No. But we're about to start rousing everyone cause we should start heading home." I don't miss the drop of Blake's shoulders and how quickly he looks away from us. Maybe we don't have to start rushing yet.

"Or we could go do something until everyone starts waking up," I say, shrugging when Blake looks back toward me. "I'm not in a rush. We don't have to leave immediately."

He holds my stare and I know he's the only one at the table that knows what I'm talking to him. Because I get it. If it was me, why the fuck would I race home to be around Dad? After the hell he's put me through, I'd want to stay as far away as possible for as long as I could.

Blake lets out a quiet breath as he drops his stare from mine. "No, I'm gonna go upstairs and start waking people."

I watch as he leaves the table and starts up the stairs, the weight of the world seeming to weigh on his shoulders. Fuck, I've been there.

"Is there any coffee left?" Danny asks, his gaze on Nik with the question.

"Yeah, you want me to make you a cup?" I ask.

Danny looks to me with that, a smile on his face. "No, I've got it."

I turn in my chair to watch as he moves into the kitchen. It's like he floats between each counter — his bare feet light across the floor as he makes himself a cup. And god, I love him. And I don't understand why I can't love him, why his late night touches send me running. Why his hands on me has my breath hitching and my heart aching.

Danny is so beautiful and I don't understand why my mind won't let me have him.

He finishes stirring his coffee and his stare lands on me as soon as he turns around. "Hey… you want to step outside with me for a minute?"

My stomach lurches when he won't hold my gaze, ducking his head down to blow on his coffee instead. My gut tells me this is about last night but… I try to shake it off. There's a million and one reasons why he'd want to talk to me privately. But fuck, I know that I'm just kidding myself.

I leave the table and follow him down the hall, stopping only to put on my shoes and a jacket. Danny opts just for shoes, leaving his coat untouched on the hook by the front door.

"Got chillier than it was yesterday," I comment as we step outside on the front porch.

Danny looks to me at that. "Yeah, it did. I'm pretty sure this area is expecting a blizzard on Monday."

"Shit, really?" I ask, shaking my head when Danny nods. "Damn. It's a good thing we weren't planning on staying until tomorrow then."

He gives me another smile before he drops his stare. And I know what's coming. I brace myself for it — wait for his questions from last night to start up again. I draw in a breath when he raises his stare to mine but he surprises me.

"I'm sorry about last night. I was… completely wrong to push you for answers like that." Danny's eyebrows pinch together as he continues. "You weren't ready to talk about it and… and that's okay. You don't owe me answers about that experience or any of our experiences, really."

I want to give him answers. I want to be honest with him — tell him how the other night had my gut twisted so tightly into a knot I thought I was dying. But I don't want to hurt him. Don't want him to think it has anything to do with him. This is me, it's all me.

"I'm just… figuring it out," I say, dropping my stare from his. "I've never… done this with a guy before."

Danny takes my hand in his. "I know. And I wasn't thinking about that before but… I am now. Everything you do with me is a brand new experience and you're allowed to experience it without having to play twenty questions with me afterward."

I wish I could've been able to just answer his questions. To tell him that what we shared was amazing and how I couldn't wait to do it again. But it was different than it was with Paulina. Not terrible but… I don't know if I liked it. Don't know how much of that feeling is coming from what I know my father's reaction would be.

"Thank you," I finally say as I look up to Danny. "I'll figure it out, I promise."

Danny shakes his head, a sympathetic expression on his face. "Take your time. Seriously." He squeezes my hand gently before letting go. "Should we go inside, get people up and out the door so we can leave?"

"Yeah, that sounds like a plan." I give him a smile that he's quick to return. And he leans toward me to press his lips to mine. And I suppose I might not have fucked this up as badly as I thought I did.

---

It takes everyone the better part of two hours to get up, eat, and head out the door. Danny, Blake, Nik, and I sit at the kitchen table, trading stories and cracking riddles together. And one by one all of our friends leave and I watch each one weigh on Blake more. As he counts the moments until we have to leave.

Jeff hugs Blake tightly at the front door, like he's afraid to let go. And Blake's face is flushed, murmuring something softly that I don't catch. And when Jeff pulls away, he hugs the rest of us in turn but I have a feeling it's just to avoid embarrassing Blake. I think that hug was just for him.

Keith and Kwan are the last to leave, both wearing huge grins that I'm so fucking happy to see. At least this weekend did them both some good, it's been too long since I've seen either one of them that happy.

And then it's just the four of us — and I know I'm not the only that notices how quiet Blake's gotten over the past hour. When the door closes behind Keith and Kwan, Blake leaves his chair.

"I'm gonna… do a final sweep of the house. Make sure nobody left anything behind, make sure we unplug the shit that's supposed to stay unplugged," he mumbles, starting out of the dining room.

Danny gets up from his chair, too. "I'll come help you."

Blake looks back at him at that but only shrugs in response before he starts up the stairs. Danny's quick to follow and Nik and I leave our places at the table.

"You want to load the bags in your car?" Nik asks, following me out of the dining room when I nod.

We deposited our shit in the entry room earlier today and together, we manage to take all four suitcases out in one go. Nik follows me out of the house and down the walkway in silence but when we reach my car, he speaks like he's been holding it in for a while.

"So what's up with Blake?" he asks, a frown on his face when I glance toward him.

I open my trunk with my keys and raise it up before I ask. "What do you mean? That he doesn't want to go home?"

Nik shakes his head, dropping the bags he's carrying into my trunk. "No, not that. I get that he doesn't want to be around his parents but… I don't know, it feels like there's something more there. Last night he was… really freaked, you know?"

I drop my bags next to Nik's before I shut my trunk again. "I have no idea what's going on with him. He's never really told anyone of us when something's going on."

"Yeah, I gathered that." Nik frowns, shaking his head as he steps away from me. And… it's not my place. Not in the slightest — but I grab his arm before he can get too far.

"Listen… I gotta ask you this," I say, letting go of him when he turns back to look at me. "Do you… I mean are you like… interested in Blake?"

Nik drops his stare from mine for a second before looks back up with a shrug. But his face is flushed. "I'm kinda still figuring that out. I know I like him, I wouldn't mind getting to know him better. But if you're asking do I want to date him… I… I don't really know yet."

He watches as I take my keys from my trunk, trying to find the words I know I need to say. Blake's been different. I can see him changing and we all want to help him but… last night he broke that picture frame without a hesitation. Cause he was angry. Scared — whatever. Point is… it's not like I can just forget what happened. Danny's okay now but he wasn't then.

"Just be careful," I say, looking to Nik.

He gives me a nod. "Always am."

I don't think he gets it — but Blake and Danny are coming out of the house together now and I lose my chance to tell Nik the truth. And with the way Blake has Danny laughing at some story he's telling, I'm not sure that Nik would believe me anyway.

---

The drive starts out fucking silent. But fifteen minutes down the road, Nik starts talking. He tells us bar stories his dad has told him and all the crazy antics his drunk patrons get up to. He gets Danny laughing at one point, me a different one, but Blake never really laughs. I mean he makes a noise that sounds like a laugh but I see his expression in the rearview mirror. He's not amused, he's exhausted.

We stop for lunch halfway through the drive and it throws me for a loop when Blake eats his entire lunch. Burger, fries, drink — whole fucking thing. I don't understand how he can go from nothing more than a few bites to eating an entire meal like nothing's wrong. Like I imagined his lack of eating at the cabin.

Nik and Danny don't notice anything. And I wish I could draw attention to it — wish I could tell Blake that I see him and that I give a shit about him and I hate that I fucked up with him so long ago. Hate that he fucked up with Danny that same year.

When we get back on the road, Blake is still subdued and I can't stand listening to his forced laughs any longer. He's breaking apart in my back seat and I can't fix it. So I turn the radio on, pretending this weekend was a blast even though it was the furthest fucking thing from a blast.

---

I pull off the interstate and call Alex. He doesn't pick up so I give it five minutes and try again. Then Kendra's phone… and Ana's. No one's picking up.

We make it to Nik's house but his driveway is empty, save for his motorcycle.

"My dad's not answering either," Nik says, his eyebrows pinched together. "Do you think he's at Alex's?"

I let out a breath, trying Alex's number again. Trying to keep the panic from building in my chest when he still doesn't answer. "I-I don't know. Maybe? I can drive over and check."

"Yeah. I can just catch a ride home with my dad if he's there." He leans back in his seat, replacing his seatbelt before he looks up at me. "I mean, I have a key to my house, I can just wait for him inside if you'd rather."

"It's alright," I say, looking toward Blake in the rearview mirror as I pull away from the curb. "Do you want me to drop you off on the way?"

Blake shrugs but nods after a couple seconds. "Yeah. If you wouldn't mind."

"No, it's on the way to my place," I say, looking toward Danny as I pass him my phone. "Try Kendra again, will you?"

I turn my attention back to the road as Danny dials Kendra's number. I can distantly hear the ringing coming from my phone and I already know she's not going to pick up. I try to push away the anxiety that instantly tries to gnaw at me but it's hard. My mind keeps replaying all the shit Valerie said to me on the phone. They're watching the people closest to him.

I grip the steering wheel tighter and it doesn't escape Danny's notice.

"Maybe they're all just somewhere with spotty service," he offers, obviously trying to soothe me. He doesn't try Kendra again.

Blake's neighborhood isn't far from mine but I still push the speed limit to get to his place. He stops me when I'm halfway down the street he lives on.

"I'll walk from here," he says, nodding when I look into the rearview mirror at him. "Thanks for the lift home."

I tap the brake, slowing down to the point of crawling. "You sure? It'll only take a second."

He shakes his head, unbuckling his seatbelt. My car beeps the seatbelt alarm at me so I brake fully.

"Trust me. None of you want my parents to see you right now." His gaze shifts from me. "Especially you, Danny."

Danny's face is flushed when I look his way but he turns in his seat to look at Blake. "I'm sorry. Try to just… get through it, okay? And we'll see you at school tomorrow."

Blake nods, holding his fist out for a bump to both of us before he looks to Nik. "See you tomorrow."

"Yeah, of course. Do you want help with your bags?" Nik asks, frowning when Blake shakes his head. "Okay well… I'll see you tomorrow."

Blake gets out of the car but he leans back in, his gaze on me. "Hey, text me when you find Alex, okay? Just let me know if everything's okay."

"Yeah, sure," I say, giving him a nod before he steps back from my car. He shuts the door and I pop the trunk open for him. I watch him in the rearview mirror as he moves to the back of my car and gets out his bags. When he shuts my trunk again, he gives me a wave before stepping up onto the sidewalk.

I watch as he passes by my car before I ease off the brake and start down his street again. I can't stop myself from looking as we drive past his house. I expected his parents to be standing out on the front porch, waiting for him, but they aren't. And somehow, that's more unsettling than if they were. Something twists in my gut like it's about to get really ugly for him. Good luck, Blake. You're gonna need it.

---

Kendra's car is parked in the driveway but Alex's isn't. The front door's locked when I try the handle. I unlock it, trying to convince myself it's nothing, but… if they locked it, they left for something. I try to squash the panic that's welling in my throat as Danny and Nik follow me inside but it's hard.

"Do you want to get back in your car — go out looking for them?" Danny asks.

I look toward him at the suggestion, turning it over in my mind. I don't know what to do. Alex would have told me if he and Kendra were gonna be gone when I got home. Kendra said they couldn't wait to see me when I got home. Why would they leave without telling me? Fuck, what's going on?

"Yeah, I think so," I say, nodding toward the front door again.

Nik jogs down to my car first but Danny stays with me while I lock the front door back. He puts his hand on my arm before I can step off the porch.

"There's probably nothing wrong, okay? We'll find them and… and I'm sure there's going to be a simple explanation for this, okay?" Danny squeezes my arm when I nod, trying to let his words squash the panic building in me. "It'll be okay."

"I know," I say, almost convincing myself that I believe his words. But panic and me go way back.

Danny holds my hand on the way to my car but we break apart when I reach the driver's side. I close my hand around the door handle as my phone rings — shattering the silence I've been stuck in. Danny stops where he is, halfway to the other side of my car, and looks back toward me.

My hands are shaking as I pull my phone from my pocket, heart soaring at Alex's name on my screen.

"Hello?"

Alex lets out a quiet breath. "Hey, kiddo. You guys almost home?"

"I… I am home," I say, my own breath caught in my throat. I grip my phone tighter, looking away from Danny. "You're… um… you're not home?"

"No, sorry. I meant to text you. Kendra and I just stepped out for a minute — we'll be home soon, okay?"

I let out a breath that shakes and rattles on the way out. God, okay. I was just… I was just overreacting. "Okay… is Javier with you?"

"Yeah, he's here. Did you drop Nik off already?"

"No, he's still with me," I look to Nik at that, who opens the back door and gets out of my car. His eyebrows are drawn down but he doesn't say anything.

Alex's voice floats through the phone again. "Ahh, okay. Well… tell him to stick around if you don't feel like driving him back over to his place, alright? Kendra and I will be home soon. Javier can make a stop and pick him up."

I think he starts to say goodbye, starts to close out the conversation but I hear something else, too. Something that sounds like metal scraping against metal. The soft buzz of a drill, the unmistakable sound of oil cans clattering to the ground. Is he-

"Are you at the garage?" I ask.

Alex doesn't say anything for a few seconds. And when he speaks again, I get this odd, twisting feeling that he's hiding something. "Yeah, just for a second. Kendra needed an oil change."

I look up from the ground — at Kendra's carparked right beside mine. On the other side of Danny's. "Kendra's car is here. In the driveway."

He's silent again, the soft buzzing sound louder now. I catch him saying something in Spanish but I don't know what it means. When he speaks to me, his voice is quiet.

"I know. I'm just picking up the oil canister. I can change it at the house," Alex says.

I rake my hands through my hair. "Is something going on?"

"No. What would be going on?" he asks, way too fucking fast for that to be a true no.

I leave my spot by my car, step past Danny, and place my hand on the hood of Kendra's car. It's still warm?

"Why didn't you just take her car over to the garage?" I ask, continuing at Alex's silence. "What's going on?"

Alex lets out a heavy breath. "Nothing. We were out and I thought about it, it's not a big deal. We'll be home soon, okay?"

He's hiding something. I know shit like this — it's the only thing that kept me alive when I was living with Dad. When he'd come home and act like nothing was up when he knew something he thought I didn't. That intuition is the only thing that saved me.

"Okay," I say, nodding even though he can't see me. "See you soon."

I hang up before I wait for his goodbye and I look up at the other two. "He's being really cagey about being at the garage so… I'm gonna swing by."

Danny's eyebrows draw down but he nods, probably guessing that I can't be talked out of this one. "Do you want me to come with you?"

"You don't have to." I look to Nik at that. "You either. You're welcome to hang here until I get back."

Nik's stare shifts between us before he shakes his head. "No, I'll ride over there with you."

"Then so will I," Danny says, giving me a nod when I look up at him again. He opens the door and settles in the passenger seat.

I get in the driver's seat and only wait long enough for the two of them to buckle in before I back out of the driveway, my stomach twisting tighter with every passing second.

---

I see it before I turn into the parking lot. Red letters sprayed across the side of the garage — two police cruisers parked in the lot.

"Holy shit," Nik says, his voice quiet on the words.

Danny makes a noise next to me but doesn't say anything. And I don't have enough breath to make any noise. Not with those words staring back at me.

Alex is standing at the edge of the garage with Chuck and he looks toward my car as I pull into the lot. I see his shoulders drop. And I don't understand why he wouldn't want me here.

He steps away from Chuck and starts toward my car as I pull into a parking space. I leave my keys in the ignition and swing my door open, stepping out onto the pavement as Alex comes to a stop in front of me.

"I told you to stay home," he says, frowning as his gaze shifts past me. "And you brought them, too?"

"Alex," I say, my voice shaky on his name. I take a step toward him but my gaze is stolen away again, unable to stop focusing on those words. "Alex, who… who did this?"

He lets out a heavy breath, looking over his shoulder at the garage. And now we're both staring at it.

GO BACK TO YOUR OWN COUNTRY FUCKING BEANER! is scrawled across the front of the garage, the writing messy and slanted like whoever wrote it was in a rush.

"I'm not sure yet. Chuck's got some officers looking into it." Alex turns back to me, frowning now. "You didn't need to come here and see this. You can—"

I can't stop myself from surging forward and pulling him against my chest. Fitting my arms around him like he's the one that's shaky and breathless from the sight of the garage defaced like that.

"I-I'm so sorry," I say, my breath shaking as I exhale. "Who-whoever wrote that is an asshole."

Alex slides his arms around my back, holding me tightly. "I know. It's okay."

It's not. And I don't have the words — I don't have the fucking words I should. To comfort him. Tell him this isn't his fault. It doesn't have a goddamn thing to do with him. It's some asshole just like Zane was just an asshole. It had nothing to do with Nik, this has nothing to do with Alex.

He holds me tighter when I won't let go. "I'm okay. I promise, mi amor. It's alright."

It doesn't feel alright. My eyes are stinging and this isn't about me. Someone left that message for Alex to find — this is his garage. They wanted him to see that message.

Alex's eyebrows are pinched together when I pull away from him and I can only hope that my eyes aren't red. Judging by the way his gaze lingers on me, I think they are.

"I'm okay," he repeats, touching me on the elbow. "I am. I wasn't here when it happened, I'm assuming whoever did this probably did it last night after Ana left work."

I nod, unable to hold his gaze. I try to be quiet with the breath I draw in but it still comes in as a sniffle. He squeezes my upper arm gently as Chuck calls his name. I look up at that, watching as Alex turns his head away from me to look behind him.

Chuck waves him forward and Alex turns back to look at me. Runs his hand down my arm, squeezing my elbow.

"Give me a second," he says, letting go of my arm before he steps away.

I watch him walk away and I ache to follow after him. Hear every word Chuck has to say about this. Figure out who the fuck could have done this to a fucking saint like Alex.

Danny brushes his shoulder against mine, looking my way as he takes my hand. He doesn't say anything, his brows drawn down as he gives me a nod. And I don't know what to say. I don't know how I'm supposed to stand here and see those words spewed like acid at someone who means so fucking much to me.

"This is fucked up," Nik says, taking a step forward. He's frowning when I look his way, too.

"Yeah," is all I can breathe out as I look up at that spray paint again. I can't stare at it for longer than a few seconds, settling my gaze on Alex and Chuck instead.

Kendra's coming out of the garage now, wearing sweatpants and a hoodie I recognize as one of Alex's. Someone's walking beside her and it takes me a second to recognize it as Javier. His steps falter when his gaze lands on us and Nik raises his hand in greeting. Javier leans closer to Kendra for a second before he's heading toward the three of us. Kendra stops next to Alex and Chuck.

"Hey, bud. You ready to go home?" Javier asks as he comes to a stop in front of us. "Did you have fun this weekend?"

Nik's gaze slides toward mine before he looks back at his dad, giving him an nod. "Yeah, it was fun. Kinda wanna sleep for the next four days though."

Javier laughs, clapping Nik on the shoulder. "Grab your bags and I'll take you home." He looks between me and Danny. "What about you two? Good weekend?"

"Yeah, it was fun," Danny says, giving him a smile as Nik goes around the back of my car to open the trunk.

I watch Nik for a second before I look to Javier. "Yeah, it was good."

Nik closes my trunk again and Javier pulls Danny into a hug, squeezing him tightly before he pulls me against his chest. He holds me so tightly, his voice low when he speaks.

"It's gonna be alright." He squeezes me tighter for a second before he pulls away, his hands firm on my shoulders. He nods like his words alone reached into my chest and took out the anxiety swirling inside me. I give a smile for his benefit and he lets go of my shoulders.

"I'll see you guys tomorrow," Nik says, waving to me and Danny before he follows Javier over to his car. I watch them go before I look back to Chuck and Alex — who are heading my way.

"Hey, you guys should go to the house. We're wrapping up here and we'll meet you guys over there," Alex says, coming to a stop in front of me. His gaze shifts to Danny but it returns to me. Stays on me. "Everything's fine, alright? Just head home, we'll be there soon. And we'll bring dinner, okay?"

I try to say okay. Try to nod. But I just reach out for him, grabbing hold of the front of his hoodie. He lets out a quiet breath before he pulls me against his chest. He doesn't try to tell me that he's okay again. With those shitty words staring back at me, how could I ever believe that Alex is okay?

---

Danny and I are silent when I leave the parking lot. I don't even try to break the silence, I feel like I'm underwater, just trying to come up for air. We're two streets over from the house when Danny's phone rings. He silences it but sixty seconds later, it's ringing again. I tell him to answer.

"Hello?" he asks, letting out a breath immediately after. "Mom, hi. Y-Yeah… yes, I'm back in Amity Park. No, I just got here."

I turn onto our street, listening to the muffled sound of his mom's voice coming through his phone. Whatever she says makes him sigh again.

"No, come on, Mom. I'm gonna have dinner with Dash and then I'll be home." His teeth sink into his bottom lip and he shoots me an apologetic look.

He's silent as I pull my car into the driveway, parking behind Kendra's car. He unbuckles his seatbelt with one hand, angling the phone away from his mouth. "Sorry."

I shake my head, leaning back against my seat. I cut the engine off but I make no move to leave the car. Danny doesn't either.

"Well… where's Dad? Did you talk to him about this?" Danny asks. He groans quietly before he continues. "I know but I… I'm gonna have dinner first."

I roll my head toward Danny. "You should go home. See your parents."

His eyebrows draw down and he angles the phone away from his mouth again. "What?"

"I don't know. You should… you should just go. I don't want to get you in trouble," I say.

Danny lets out a breath, talking into his phone again. "Mom, give me a minute. I'll call you back." He doesn't wait for her to respond before he ends the call, looking toward me. "Are you sure? Cause I… I don't want to leave you. Not after that."

I shrug. "It doesn't matter. It's not like you were planning to spend the night here."

He makes a soft noise, chewing on his bottom lip as he looks away from me. "No, I wasn't. But if you need me, I don't mind—"

"I don't," I say, regretting the words the second they leave my mouth. I watch Danny's expression fall and I feel like shit. "No, I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry, I meant I don't need you right now but I… I mean, I always appreciate… ah, fuck."

Danny shifts his stare back to me, a tentative smile on his face. "You don't have to apologize, Dash. I know what you're saying. Me being here would just be a distraction. And you want to focus on Alex and Kendra." He leans across the center console, placing his hand against my chest. "I get it. You should focus on them. I've had you all weekend."

Has he though? I spent half of this weekend hiding out from him and the other half keeping my goddamn panic at bay. I don't feel like he's really had me. I don't feel like Kendra and Alex are going to have me tonight either.

"I'll text you later," he says, leaning forward to press a quick, gentle kiss against my lips before he's pulling away. He finds my hand in my lap, squeezing my palm tightly. "And I'll see you tomorrow."

I squeeze his hand back before he slips out of my grasp. He opens the passenger door and I pop the hood on my trunk, leaving my car to join Danny on the driveway. It feels like it should have warmed up while we were gone. But it's early February. Still freezing.

Danny gets his bags from the trunk. Kisses me again. And then I'm watching him get in his car. Back out of the driveway. Wave goodbye to me while I'm trying to keep it the fuck together. This weekend was too fucking much.

I watch Danny's car drive away for as long as I can — until the chill gets to me and I can't stop shivering. I don't want to go inside. Don't want to sit in an empty house and wait for Alex and Kendra to come home.

Alex will kill me if he pulls up and I'm out here shivering. I go through my suitcase and layer another hoodie over the one I'm already wearing. I tuck my hands inside the sleeves and sit on the trunk of my car until I see Alex's Challenger coming down the road. I feel the tension drop from my shoulders and a breath escapes me.

I climb off my trunk, waiting at the end for them. It hasn't even been ten minutes since Danny drove away but I'm frozen as I watch Alex get out of his car.

"You should have waited for us inside," Alex says, letting out a breath as soon as he says the words. "I promise you, I'm okay."

I don't believe him. How can he have seen those words and say that he's okay?

He stops in front of me and opens his arms. "Hey, come here."

I close the distance between us, bury my face in his shoulder again. It twists my guts inside to know that someone could spew that hatred at Alex. After everything he's done for me — after everything he's done for everyone… how could someone hate him?

He squeezes me once before he pulls away, his hand firm on my shoulder. "Come on. Let's go inside, Chuck's bringing dinner." He turns to look as Kendra comes to a stop next to him.

Her expression's more subdued than his is, and she barely looks my way before she starts up the sidewalk. Alex lets go of my shoulder and nudges me down the sidewalk in front of him. Kendra opens the front door and I follow her inside.

"What's… Chuck getting for dinner?" I ask just to have something to say. I don't think I'll eat a thing tonight.

Alex hangs his keys on the hook by the door, shedding his jacket before he looks back at me. "Indian food. You like that, right?"

"Yeah, that's… that's fine," I say, letting out a breath as he holds my stare.

His gaze flicks away from me, I guess in Kendra's direction, before he's looking at me again. "Where's Danny?"

"I… I sent him home. His mom called."

Alex nods before he closes the distance between us, patting me on the shoulder as he passes by. "Well come on. We can wait for Chuck in the dining room. Kendra, where'd you go, honey?"

I follow him into the dining room and into the kitchen when he turns in that direction. Kendra's standing at the sink, the coffee pot in her hand.

"I just… thought some… some coffee might be nice," Kendra says, breathing out a long, slow breath.

Alex glances my way before he crosses the kitchen over to her. He slides his arms around her waist and pulls her back against his chest. I don't hear what he says, it's mostly in Spanish, but I see the way Kendra's shoulders relax at his words.

When he pulls away from her, she fills the pot with water and carries it over to the coffee maker. He opens the cabinet above the coffee machine and pulls down the bag of coffee we've been drinking from.

I hear the doorbell and I let my gaze linger on Alex and Kendra for a moment longer before I step away. Neither of them even look up from what they're doing, maybe too lost in this moment to even hear the doorbell.

Chuck's on the other side of the door when I open it, two plastic bags in his hands. He gives me a smile and I open the door wider for him.

"Hey, how you doing kiddo?" he asks, stepping into the house. He kick his shoes off and holds the bags out to me. "Can you hold these for a second?"

I take the bags from him and wait while he pulls his jacket off, revealing a Casper High hoodie underneath. It matches the one Alex has loaned me so many times before. Fuck.

My throat's tight when I swallow and I turn away from Chuck as I carry the food bags into the dining room. A quick glance into the kitchen tells me that Alex and Kendra haven't moved. The coffee's brewing now and neither one looks away from the other as I move into the dining room.

I clear my throat softly, setting the food down on the table louder than necessary. I just catch the sight of Alex looking away from Kendra before I dart my gaze away.

"Chuck's here. And this smells fucking amazing," I say, filling the space around me with empty words — just so we're not trapped in this silence.

I hear Alex's footsteps across the kitchen, quickly followed by Kendra's. He steps into the dining room at the same time Chuck does. For a moment, they just look at each other. But Chuck gives a smile and Alex nods.

The four of us settle at the table and Kendra makes us all use forks and plates, even though Alex and I have passed takeout containers back and forth so many times before.

It starts out in silence, the only sound coming from any of us the scraping of forks against plates. And I ache to be the one to break the silence but I can't. This hurts more than it should. That message wasn't for me. It was for Alex. But god I hate that anyone could say that kind of thing to him. Or… about him, I guess. Fuck.

Chuck's the one to break the silence. "So, Dash… how was your weekend away? Alex told me you spent some time with your friends up at a cabin somewhere?"

I look up from my plate just long enough to look his way before I drop it again. "It… it was good."

"Yeah? What'd you guys do?" Alex asks now and I look up at his voice. He doesn't seem shaken by this, Kendra seems more upset than he does. He holds my stare when I meet his. A small smile pulls at his mouth. "Did you guys just spend the whole weekend getting drunk?"

I shake my head, swallow past the lump in my throat. I almost spill my guts at that, almost tell him that I haven't touched alcohol since the night I got drunk in the school parking lot and Blake drove me home. The shot I took with my friends at the winter formal doesn't count. I'm not… I don't know if I'll ever touch the stuff again.

"No, we… we just hung out," I say, dropping my stare from Alex's again.

He lets out a breath. "Did you guys do any skiing or ice skating or anything?"

I nod, stirring the food on my plate again. "Yeah there's a lake right outside the cabin a-and we… we skated. For a bit."

Silence descends at the table again and I'm not sure I can get another bite down.

"Alright, we need to stop pretending that you're not all thinking about the garage." Alex holds my stare when I look up at his words. He nods toward me. "I'm okay. I swear to all of you, I'm doing just fine. I'm sure we'll find out who did this and… it'll all be over soon."

"Why are we pretending like we don't know exactly who it is?" Kendra asks, her eyebrows drawn down, bottom lip quivering. The sight stabs right through me. Makes my own chest tighten.

Alex looks to Kendra now. "We don't know that for sure."

"Don't we?" Chuck's giving Alex a sad smile when I look to him. "It's the same wording as your jersey, Alex. It's not like we can ignore that."

Jersey? What jersey?

He lets out a heavy sigh. "We don't know though, Chuck. And you're the one that taught me not to jump to conclusions."

"Even so… he's my top suspect. And I've already sent officers to his place." Chuck gives a shrug at the look on Alex's face. "It's my job."

"Chuck, you-"

"Good." Kendra's jaw is set when I look to her, her stare locked on Chuck. "I hope my brother's nailed for it this time."

My breath catches in my throat and the question tumbles from me. I didn't even know she had a brother. "Your brother? You… you think he did this?"

She meets my gaze. "I know he did it. He did it to Alex's jersey when we were in high school and he got away with it."

"What jersey?" I ask, looking to Alex with the question.

He meets my stare. "I was on the basketball team for a while. And so was he."

"And he just… h-he put those words on your jersey?" I ask, my voice small on the question.

Chuck lets out breath. "Yeah, he did. He'd apparently been saying derogatory things to Alex for months and Alex said nothing to any of us."

"Because it didn't matter," Alex says, shaking his head when Kendra sighs. "I know you both think I should have told someone then but it didn't matter to me. I know not everyone's going to like me and I know that James only said that shit because he didn't want his only sister to end up with me."

"He still had no right to talk to you that way," Kendra says, taking Alex's hand in hers. Her gaze shifts to Chuck. "Please do everything you can to nail him this time."

Chuck gives her a salute, a smile on his face. "You know I will."

Alex lets out a sigh as he pulls his hand from Kendra's. He returns to eating and Chuck follows suit. The food I've eaten is sitting like a rock in my stomach. Kendra's picking at her food now, too.

"I'm gonna hang out with you guys for a while but just so you know, when I leave there'll be a patrol car parked across the street," Chuck says.

"Chuck, we don't need an officer watching the house, alright? We'll be okay," Alex says.

Kendra meets Chuck's stare when he looks her way. He holds her stare for a second before he looks back to Alex.

"I know. But just in case, there'll be someone looking out for you guys."

Alex lets out a breath. "I don't need someone looking out for me. For any of us — we're fine."

"Of course," Chuck says with a nod. "But it's just a precaution to give everyone some peace of mind, you know?"

"Chuck. I don't want an officer sitting outside," Alex says, his voice firm now, eyebrows drawn down.

Chuck lets out an irritated sigh, dropping his fork to his plate with a loud clatter. When he speaks, his tone isn't conversational anymore, it's commanding. "That's funny, I don't remember asking you if you wanted it."

Silence falls at the table as the tension stretches between the two of them. I hold my breath, just watching them. I don't want to see them fight. Whatever they had to overcome that had them at each other's throats for so long, I don't want to see it happen again tonight.

"I'm a cop, Alex. This is my job," he stresses.

"Then tell me this," Alex says, his voice calm as he speaks. "If this was an ordinary situation with someone that wasn't me… would you still insist on police protection like this?"

Chuck's answer is instant. "Yes."

"Bullshit."

The word hangs in the air between us and Kendra sets her fork down on the edge of her plate, pushing her food away from her. She catches my eye when she sees me looking her way and offers up a small, tired smile.

"I know what you're doing. You think I don't but… man, it's so obvious." Alex's voice is soft on the words, his expression kind when I look to him.

Chuck clears his throat. "Look, I'm not making this mistake again. Not with you."

Again? What does that mean? Did… did something like this happen before?

"You know this is different," Alex says softly.

Chuck responds to Alex's softness by raising his voice, nothing on my father but it still has my gut twisting, heart racing. "I don't care. So you better get used to a car sitting out there. Maybe for the rest of your goddamn existence if I want."

Alex holds his stare for a second before his gaze slides to me. For a split second, I wonder if I tensed up when Chuck's voice rose. If Alex saw the momentary freeze in me. But his stare shifts away from me and when he speaks again, it's in Spanish.

I don't understand it but I hear my name and my breath catches at it. "What? What about me?"

Chuck looks away from Alex, toward me instead. "He's asking if a patrol car is going to bother you to see sitting outside your house."

"Hey, Chuck, come on," Alex shakes his head. His gaze strays toward me but he doesn't deny it.

He looks back to Alex with a shrug. "I can have an officer sit in an unmarked vehicle if the sight bothers him. It's not a problem."

"Or you could just call off SWAT and let me deal with this."

"But you won't deal with this, Alex. I know you better than that, don't try to bullshit me," Chuck spits, pushing his own plate away from him. He points his finger toward Alex, his voice sharp. "You think that everyone around you is buying this cool, unbothered exterior but I know you. I know you."

"You're only saying that because I-"

"It doesn't bother me." My voice is weak on the words and I want to crawl in a hole as everyone turns their gaze toward me. My stomach clenches and I let out a breath to try and relax it. "Um… the car. Y-You can have… you can have an officer outside."

Chuck nods and my gut twists sharply as the thought crosses my mind. It's like a race to spit it out, tripping over my words with every second.

"Not… j-just not my… my dad. O-Obviously," I stammer, my breath shaky on my exhale.

He gives me a sympathetic look, reaching over to put his hand on my shoulder. "Of course." He holds my stare for a moment before he drops his hand from my shoulder. "It'll be a patrol unit, no one specific. And he hasn't actually been back to work yet anyway so no worries there."

What? It's… it's been over a month since he was… since that night. Why is he-

"Why hasn't he?" I ask, my voice small on the question, heart wrapped around my esophagus.

Chuck lifts one shoulder. "I'm not sure. He was cleared to return to work ten days ago but… he's just taking his time."

I swallow hard, my mind conjuring up images of that store down the road from Blake's cabin — that random guy's back, his build like my father's. Fuck, this can't be happening — that wasn't him, that wasn't him, it-

My breath catches as I ask the question. "Has he… hah… um, do you know if he's… left town recently?"

I can feel Alex's stare on me and I won't look his way. One look in his kind eyes and I'll spill this whole fucked up thing. He doesn't need that. He's dealing with this… this fucking shit with the garage. I can't expect him to drop everything and help me again.

Chuck doesn't say anything for a few seconds, watching me now, too. And when he speaks again, it doesn't give me the peace I was hoping for.

"I'm not sure. I know he's back to driving. I also know he hasn't been home in a few days so… it's possible." He pauses there. "Why?"

I shake my head. The words won't come to me, the ones I know would throw everyone at the table off. Make them stop worrying about me. But I can't make myself say the lie — can't pretend that my concern was for Mom.

Chuck waits in silence for almost a minute before he speaks again. "Speaking of though… I went by your place last night. Got your mail for you. Alex had it held at the post office after Christmas but some of it still ended up at your old place."

"Mail?" I ask, looking up at him. I didn't even think about that.

He nods, pushing his chair back from the table. "Yeah, it's in my car. Give me a sec."

I don't want to look up from the table as Chuck leaves but Alex calls my name. So I raise my stare to meet his.

"Are you alright?" he asks, his voice soft on the question.

I nod, even though it's a lie. "Yeah, sorry. It's just… it's been a long day. Long drive home."

He raises an eyebrow but doesn't ask anything further. So I return my gaze to the table, studying the wooden surface until Chuck comes back inside. He takes the time to kick his shoes off before he comes into the dining room.

"There should be a little more at the post office but it's closed today. I think Alex said something about swinging by tomorrow and grabbing the rest for you," Chuck says, dropping a stack of letters and a package on the table.

What… what is this? This is all mine?

I shift the letters to the side and look at the package first. It's addressed to me but it takes me a second to recognize the name. Vivian Adams… what's my aunt doing sending me a package? Did I leave something at her place?

I almost open it right then but I have no idea what's inside. And I already feel raw from everything that's happened today. I don't want to lose it right now.

"Anything interesting?" Alex asks, frowning when I look up at him.

I lift one shoulder as I drop my gaze back to the stack of letters. "Not really. There's a reminder about paying my car insurance in here… something from the bank and— oh."

Three letters stick out from the rest. Amridge University, DALV University, Elmerton University all printed in the corner of each envelope. Colleges wrote to me?

I open Amridge's first. It says kind of what I was expecting it to. That they're interested in offering me a full four year scholarship provided I play ball. The guys I met with made that pretty obvious that the school wanted me but… still. Seeing it written out doesn't hurt.

"This one's from Amridge," I say, pushing the letter in Alex's direction, mainly to distract him from the package. He keeps eyeing it. "They want me to play ball."

Alex meets my gaze at that, his eyebrows rising. "Really? That's… Dash, that's amazing."

Kendra leans closer to read the the letter over Alex's shoulder.

I watch Alex until he drops his stare to the letter before I open the one from DALV University. Before Coach started reaching out to these colleges, I hadn't even heard of this one. Well… I hadn't heard of most of them to be fair. But DALV should have been on my radar — it's in the same city as Livermore. I'm glad I get to drive to this one this weekend instead of flying again.

Dear Mr. Baxter,

We are excited to welcome you to our campus at your upcoming visit this February! We look forward to meeting you and discussing your future both athletically and academically.

DALV University believes in supporting our athletes in their chosen career paths as we do in their field of sports. Here at DALV, we believe that athletes should be challenged both on and off their respective fields.

A map of our campus has been enclosed with this letter to help guide you on your upcoming visit. If you have any questions about our campus before your arrival, please feel free to send us an email via our website.

All potential students under the age of 18 should plan to arrive with their parent(s) or guardian(s). If you are over the age of 18, please still consider bringing them along! It's always a pleasure to meet the families of our potential athlete students.

From all of us here at DALV, we welcome this opportunity to give you a tour of our beautiful campus. We've arranged for you to meet our athletic director and football coach during your visit. We look forward to seeing you then!

Sincerely,

Curtis Hall

Dean of Admissions

I set the letter down on the table, letting out a breath. "This one's from DALV. The college I'm visiting next week." I look up from the paper. "They're just talking about the upcoming visit."

"Oh yeah? Can I see that one?" Alex holds his hand out for the letter. "Am I going with you for this one?"

I drop my stare from his face as he takes the letter. "Actually, um… this is the one that Danny's coming with me to."

Alex's gaze is on the letter when I glance back up to him. He gives a nod, sparing a glance up at me before he's reading again. "Okay, sounds good." He pauses for a second, blinking twice before he looks up at me. "When next week?"

"The weekend. I think we're driving up Saturday and meeting them and driving home Sunday," I say, looking between him and Kendra. "What?"

"Saturday as in… Valentine's Day?" Alex asks, his eyebrows rising on his forehead.

My face burns and I try to speak twice but nothing comes out. Kendra gives Alex a look, nudging him with her elbow.

"What?" He glances toward her before his gaze is fixed on me. "And you two want to… you guys are going there alone?"

"I… we… I…"

I don't know what to say. My face is burning. And they have no fucking clue that nothing is gonna happen anyway. I can't fuck Danny for the life of me. Capital romance holiday of the fucking world or not, I can't give him that. I don't even know how I would fucking try after the disaster of this weekend.

"Jesus, Alex. Have you forgotten what it's like to be eighteen?" Chuck asks, laughing softly at the look Alex gives him. "I remember telling your mom more than a handful of lies to cover for you and Kendra."

"That was different," Alex says but the tips of his ears have gone red and he's not meeting Chuck's stare.

Chuck shrugs, his gaze shifting back to me. "I, for one, hope you enjoy your weekend, Dash. And don't let Alex try to talk you into letting him come along. Enjoy your time with your boyfriend."

My face is still burning but I give him a nod, mumbling a quiet "thanks" before I tear open the last letter, silence falling at the table. The one from Elmerton says basically the same as the letter from DALV. Inviting me to tour their campus and to contact the number provided to set up an appointment.

And I try to pay attention to what I'm reading but my mind keeps replaying this weekend. All the shit that went down. How I went from touching Danny in the pool without hesitation to scrubbing the scent of him off my skin in the bathroom that night. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I be with my boyfriend like everyone's assuming I already am?

---

I excuse myself after a while, gathering up my mail and escaping upstairs to my room. I tell them that I'm tired, that this weekend wore me out. It's true. But I don't miss the curious look on Alex's face — like maybe he's wondering if Danny's what wore me out. God, I wish.

Traveling always makes me feel grimy so I shower even though I took one at the cabin this morning. It's a long, slow shower, turning over everything again. Cause I can't shut my mind off. I can't stop thinking.

I towel dry my hair until the curls on top are no longer dripping. I ditch the towel in the laundry basket. Catch my reflection in the mirror — and the bruises are gone. If I didn't know where to look for the last little hint of yellow on my jaw, I wouldn't even know that there was ever any bruising at all. And… it's weird. I've gotten used to sporting bruises almost constantly. Ever since Mom left it's been rare that I've gone a week without Dad's marks on my face. I almost forgot what I looked like without them.

I touch my skin, watching in the mirror as I push my cheeks up, my eyes scrunching half-closed. It's weird. I feel like I look more like me with faint bruises along my face. How fucking sick is that?

A breath escapes me and I drop my hands from my face. I still look like me. But it's different now. I'm not gonna have any new marks to inspect in the mirror after another round with Dad. This is what my face is gonna look like until I start getting old. And it's so fucking weird.

I can hear Alex and Kendra still talking with Chuck downstairs, soft clinking of spoons stirring in mugs filling the air. I almost go downstairs — almost join them. But I shut myself away in my room instead.

The package from my aunt is sitting on the TV stand where I left it and I only take the time to set my phone up to charge before I get it. I take the package over to my bed but sit on the floor to open it. I can't remember the last time my aunt sent me anything. I don't know why my heart's beating so erratically but I hold my breath as I rip into the package.

There's two small neatly wrapped boxes inside, both sporting Christmas wrapping paper and tiny nametags that say Dash on the corner. Fuck… she got me presents?

It's hard to swallow and I focus on pulling out the final thing from the package instead of the presents. It's a letter she's taped closed, an instruction on the front to open the gifts first. So I put the letter down and steel myself as I open the first present.

It's a keychain, a little football dangling from it. And I almost choke. It's not the gift, it's just that… that she thought of me. When my own fucking parents didn't. But it's the next one that hits me square in the chest. And it fucking hurts.

It's a simple leather bracelet, thinner than a watch band. But the card it came with is fucking hard to read through.

I am not broken. I am whole. I can choose my own family. I can create my own future free of abuse and toxicity. When I put this bracelet on, I am choosing me. And with it, I promise to always choose me.

Fuck. How the fuck am I supposed to read something like this and not fucking fall apart? How the fuck could she give something like this to me?

I blink back the tears in my eyes enough to tear open her letter and start reading. And fuck if that doesn't fuck me up, too.

Dash,

There aren't words. I hope you know that if I'd known what was happening in your home, I wouldn't have let your mother stay with your father as long as she did. And I sure as hell would never have let her leave you behind. There's nothing I can say to make that easier on you… just know that I'm sorry your life ended up that way.

You told me when you were here that you weren't staying with Howard anymore. I think that's smart and I hope it stays that way. Should you ever run into any trouble with your current living situation, you should know you always have a home here with me. I would do whatever it takes to keep you safe.

I'm hoping that this package makes it to you — I hope that you've filed a change of address and this ends up in your hands. I was going to call you for Christmas but I don't have your number anymore. I'm not sure if you changed it or if your mother erased it from my phone but… I'd like to have it again if you don't mind. But I understand if I'm too much of a reminder of your mother. I'm including my number at the bottom of this letter anyway — in case you ever want to talk.

Please don't read this next part and dismiss it instantly. You need to hear this.

What happened to you wasn't your fault. You were a child. You did what children do and you shouldn't have been beaten for it. What your parents have done to you is unforgivable. I don't know what they might have said to you or what ideas they might have put in your head but hear me now. You don't owe them a thing. You have no obligation to them anymore.

I wanted to get you something to remind you that you're stronger than this. That whatever my sister and your father have put you through, you don't have to hang on to it. You can choose yourself. And I hope you do.

Always in your corner,

Aunt Vivian

PS: I included the keychain because it reminded me of you. I also figured if anyone asked you what I sent that you might not want to share the meaning of the bracelet with anyone. A keychain is easier to show off than that is, I presume. Love you, my favorite nephew xx

Holy fuck, Aunt Viv. How… how the fuck did she write this? How can she just look at this situation and assume I was never in the wrong? How can she dismiss all the shit I did as a kid that Dad would beat me for as just… as just being a kid? How can she see it that way? Why the fuck is she telling me this? Why the fuck can't I stop crying?

I can't do this. This weekend was too hard. This letter's too kind. I shove everything back into the envelope but the bracelet falls out when I shove the package under my bed. So I take the bracelet with me. Climb into bed. Pull the covers over my head and press my pillow to my face to smother the sound.

I can't do this. I can't think about her words. I can't wonder if she's right — if this shit was really never my fault.

But fuck she's right. I was a kid. I was a fucking kid. I'm still a fucking kid. And it was fucked up. And it's still fucked up. And I'm fucked up because of it. And fuck it hurts and I can't make it fucking stop.

This weekend was so fucking hard. The kind of thing I ache to have parents to come home to — to talk about all this shit with and know that they've got my back and they're here for me. I have Alex and Kendra and I fucking love them but goddamn it, is it wrong to want my mom? My dad? Better versions of them that never hurt me? Is that so fucking wrong?

I pry the pillow away from my face, gulping down air. The covers slip on my head a little, light peeking in through the crack. And I can see the bracelet — a short inscription burned on the inside of it.

I choose me.

My hands are shaking and I can barely see past the tears but I put that bracelet on. I tighten the adjustable straps and collapse back against my pillow, the words I can't say echoing inside me as I choke on the million things fucking hurtling toward me all the damn time.

I choose me. I fucking choose me.

---

A/N:

Man alive. I survived the edit of this chapter. Started at 28k, ended at fucking 47k! Honestly I have no idea what's wrong with me or why I can't write a short chapter anymore. It's behemoth or bust in my house apparently

Anywaaaaay hi. How're you doing after reading some traumatizing shit happening to these characters lol I've been dutifully working on this since like mid-January in preparation to post it on the 31st and look at me now, I made it juuuust before the deadline. Hopefully next quarter's update is easier cause this one nearly killed me lmaaaoo

I'm not even sure what to say about this chapter. It's so much. And yet at the same time, it feels like nothing? 90% of this chapter is used as foreshadowing and like, that's cool but I'm just over here hoping it's not boring? I'm not even asking for compliments here, I'm genuinely concerned that maybe it's a whole bunch of nothing lol hopefully it's not and you got some entertainment out of it

I do love this chapter though. There's so many layers to it and there's so much shit that's setting the stage for the final bit of certain storylines and I'm fucking ready for it

If you have any thoughts at all, please comment them cause this chapter's been bouncing around inside my skull since January and I'd love to know someone else's opinion of it lol

The title of this chapter comes from Deadlines and Commitments by The Killers. Honestly, this whole track is such a Stay song and specifically this chapter. To me, it's like all the characters talking to each other — promising to be there for each other and hold each other up and… ugh. Hits me right in the feels. If you've never heard this song, correct your grievous mistake and go listen to it now — it's amazing.

Side note about the song. The title of this chapter's great and I'm all for like "fuck yeah, these characters are pushing through despite the shit they're dealing with, look at them fucking go!" and yes, and you should know that if you're pushing through despite the shit going on with you, you should be proud of yourself, too. But my lil psych nerd heart can't leave it at that. Sometimes "pushing through" means taking a break. Means self-care. Means pulling back from people you care about because they're hurting you. Pushing through doesn't just mean putting up with bullshit and never fighting back against it. So please don't think that you have to just grin your teeth and bear it. You deserve to live a happy life - so never stop fighting for it

*ends sappiness* Next chapter you can expect angst as always, a broken nose, and an awkward "meet the parents" dinner. I hope you enjoy. See you next update!