Hold on to You

"Derrick..."

Words were burning my lungs. I was swallowing hard and my eyes were puffy. My hands were moist and my hair undone. It had been a long time since that day. More a week and a half but I seemed like months. I didn't understand where he was. I didn't know why he couldn't awake. He wasn't dead. He wasn't alive either. He was in a deep sleep and he didn't seem to want to get up. His eyes seemed totally sealed and his whole body was cold. Like a fragile doll.

"Please..."

It had been a week now; a week of staying next to him, holding his hand and hoping...

And wishing...

And crying...

And wondering...

If he could come back.

"Courtney honey..."

A soft voice filled the room. I lifted my head, seeing Mrs. Thomas staring at me with worried eyes. They were red too, not just because of the crying, because she hadn't slept since Derrick was here. Even if I loved Derrick more than anyone else, I still thought his mother had bigger 'maternal' feelings for him. He's her son, after all.

"You should go to school. I'll check on him."

"You're sure?"

She nodded her head in agreement. I took my pink holdall bag and kissed Derrick's forehead, trying my best to hold my tears. Mrs. Thomas stretched her arms to me, letting me wrap myself into them. I felt the warmth of a mother around me; the warmth of a second mother. She was running fingers through my hair and swallowing hardly her tears, but I could see that she was looking at Derrick.

"Hold on, honey. He'll be alright. Your mother is waiting on the ground floor. She'll carry you back home and then, you'll go to school."

I departed and looked at her straight in her blue eyes.

"I'll come back. Promised. Merci pour tout, Mrs. Thomas."

« De rien, daughter. »

On these words, I left that wonderful woman and went to the second floor. She was an angel brought from the sky. She was incredible and really kind. Derrick was really lucky to have her at his side. At least, I knew he was in good hands.

My mother's car pulled in the school parking lot. It was almost 9:30 and the bell would ring in a few minutes. That wouldn't leave me enough time to tell my friends I'm okay. Stepping out of the car, I felt my mother's worried gaze going through my head but didn't turn around. All I managed to do was to smile to myself and walk over the school entrance, still crowded by the few teenagers usually standing there. Usually, I would pass totally unnoticed but, once I stepped on the first stair of the few ones surrounding the school door, every pair of eyes was fixed on me. Whispers were going everywhere and glares were almost drowning me. It was all weird. Trotting in the hallways, people were still gossiping when, all startled, I caught the sight of Lindsay, one of the most popular girls in my High School, walking over me, alone. I never liked her. She was dumb, shallow and always acting like a bitch with Heather by her side. Such a wanna be.

"Hey, I, uh, I kinda heard about what happened to you... I'm really sorry."She said sheepishly.

"Why would you? Nothing happened."

"Oh Carly," She said, grabbing carefully my wrists. I didn't even mind her not to know my right name. "You know something happened. About you, Derrick, Duncan..."

"Don't even pronounce his name." Great, the name I wanted her to forget, she remembered it.

She smiled to herself at that fact. Not an evil grin, more a proof of compassion.

"Okay, Derrick and the other 'D'. Derrick is in coma and 'he' is temporarily in jail but, don't you think he's innocent?"

I couldn't help but think about what I did to Duncan. Of course, I knew what I did and I knew that that could ruin his future but I was pretty sure he wasn't innocent in that story. He didn't like Derrick and, knowing that he and I were dating, he would have done anything to get me back. And if that 'anything' was risked, the worst he could do was to kill him. I was pretty sure he tried.

"No, I don't. Duncan has to learn from his mistakes. And, anyway, the judge will decide of his punishment."

I passed her and continued my way to class. After a few steps, I heard a slight sigh coming from the blonde.

"You will regret that. If Derrick dies, Duncan may go to jail. Think of that, their both last days are counted and, if they lose, you'll lose twice."

Wow, that was the first time Lindsay actually said something smart. I froze in place; she was right. I didn't want to be alone. I couldn't. And losing both of them, even if I didn't like Duncan, would kill me. I was all messed up and almost crying when the bell rang. I followed my instincts and stormed to the girls' bathrooms, locked myself in booth, and let tears ruin my make-up. I forced myself to go to school that morning, even if I wanted to be near Derrick, even if I didn't want any eyes staring obsessingly at me, and no mention of the culpability both Duncan and Derrick were causing me. I tried to do efforts for everyone I loved. And, by sitting on the tile dirty floor of the girls' bathroom, I felt like a failure.

Here I was, back to the hospital, right after school. I had my heart beating hard, like everyday since he was there. Walking fast in the hallway, it was hard to see all these people in the same situation; some asleep, others dying and their family or close friends standing by them. That was like staring in a mirror. I totally felt the sorrow they were feeling. I felt sorry for Derrick's parents and all the family and friends he left in France. I couldn't help but shed a tear. I glanced all around and I finally found the French's room. Behind that sterilized and clean glass, he was still lying there, in that bed, unconscious as usual. Even if I was used to this, it was still a shock to see him that way. It was painful and really scary. I walked in the room and sat right next to him, grabbing his hand and glaring at him lovingly with the faith he would get up. My eyes were puffy by the tears that streamed out earlier and, by a second, I hoped he wouldn't wake up and see me like that, but that was too selfish. I wished I could be lying at his place because I truly knew all of this was my fault. I shouldn't have shown Duncan a new enemy to get. I shouldn't have let both of them suffer.

And for an instant, I was dearly sorry for Duncan because I put myself at his place. He was jealous; that's right. He was kinda bipolar; that's right. But he loved me and I gave him up. Maybe he didn't show it, but it surely hurt when I told him I wasn't his anymore. I was the one that could understand him. I was the one he could trust. And I let that fade. If Derrick was there, it was because I messed up everything. If I had explained the situation to Duncan, Derrick wouldn't be there so… I was the only responsible. And Duncan paid the price.

Duncan needs help; for his bipolarity. I didn't help.

Derrick needs protection; from Duncan. I didn't help either.

I need love. I don't know who to choose.

A song came to my head at this moment. Something enough to express my feelings and it had been a while since I sang for the last time.

"Oh… why do you look so sad?

Tears are in your eyes

Come on and come to me now

Don't be ashamed to cry

Let me see you through

'cause I've seen the dark side too

When the night falls on you

You don't know what to do

Nothing you confess

Could make me love you less"

I drew a deep breath to continue. I felt free to sing louder and express myself. Express my sadness. A tear slid down my cheek.

"I'll stand by you

I'll stand by you

Won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you."

I jumped when I heard a groan. A painful groan but really familiar. I look to Derrick but his eyelids were still closed. At the instant I wanted to give up, something touched my hand. His eyes were slowly opening to let the afternoon light glow. I felt the pain he had while doing that but, I was expecting that.

That was a miracle; he was awake. I couldn't control myself not to jump on him and give him the best kiss I ever gave. It was hopeful. He was a survivor.

"Keep singing." He muttered when I departed from him.

"After." I said, still hugging him. "I've missed you so much."

"I did too even if I don't remember anything."

I stared in his deep olive eyes that I hadn't seen in a long. I couldn't help but cry again. I missed him. I missed his presence. I missed everything of him. And I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't survived. I would have died for him if I could. I smiled to myself at that thought even if I was shedding huge tears.

"I'm sorry for what happened. Duncan shouldn't have done that to you."

He was still weak but he seemed totally surprised at these words. He sat up on the bed and glared at me, without the smile he previously had.

"Duncan has nothing to do with… Oh Courtney, don't tell me you thought that!"

TBC

What did Courtney?

What happened to Duncan?

Who will Courtney chose?

All these questions answered in the next chapters. Hey, the next one, you shouldn't miss it; IT'LL ROCK!