Warning: this chapter contains a reference to dark subject matter depicted in the manga, as well as mature language.

Just as Yahiko had predicted, Kaoru-dono and Ikeda-san returned to the Kamiya dojo a little less than twenty minutes later, with Sanosuke trailing behind them. Sanosuke appeared perfectly at ease, hands in his pockets with his usual confident stride, his way of posturing to the world that he belonged anywhere he wanted to and woe betide anyone who challenged his right to be there. However, Kenshin caught a glimpse of a very slight furrow in his brow. Kenshin had fought enough battles both with and against Sanosuke to know what that darkened countenance meant. Sanosuke was very worried.

Kenshin also knew that despite the confidence Sanosuke always outwardly projected that in fact he was just as insecure and fearful as any other man. He was very skillful at hiding it, so Kenshin felt heaviness in his chest.

What is it that's shaken you this much?

Kaoru-dono and that man Ikeda were a stark contrast to Sano. They walked together as if nothing and no one else existed but themselves. Kaoru-dono laughed boisterously at something Ikeda-san said, which Kenshin only caught the tail end of and didn't think was that funny. Kenshin always felt his heart lighten at the sound of her laughter and the sight of her easy smile, but now he felt strangely irritated. How could she be that happy when he felt like this?

These intrusive thoughts were new to Kenshin. What exactly did he want from her? Did he want her to be unhappy? No, he didn't want that he told himself. But... When was the last time she had laughed that way with him?

God, I'm a fucking mess.

Kaoru-dono appeared slightly flushed, and she stumbled once, but only slightly. Her years of kendo training were so ingrained that she quickly caught herself before Ikeda-san or even Sanosuke could react. Kenshin realized that Kaoru-dono was a bit drunk. As they got closer he caught a whiff of alcohol and he felt a little better. Maybe it was the sake, not their present company, that made her laugh so heartily?

No, Sano wouldn't have that small scowl on his face if it was only that. Sanosuke, of all people, would be able to tell the difference between the two.

Kenshin was so absorbed that he didn't notice he was staring until Kaoru-dono stopped short. She only now seemed to notice his presence and the grin she'd previously had on her face wilted slightly. Just when he thought he couldn't feel worse.

In a split second she caught herself, and she was smiling again. It wasn't like her to put on an act like that. That was Kenshin's thing and she wasn't as good at it as he was. He noticed the slight waver in her voice as she exclaimed "tadaima!" and the way her eyes broke contact with his too quickly. Was she angry with him? Was he intruding? How strange, this sudden inability to gauge her emotions. She had always been so transparent.

Ikeda-san bowed respectfully to Kenshin, apologizing politely for intruding on their home. Kenshin followed all the social norms unconsciously. Though he wanted nothing more than to banish the man from his sight forever, he welcomed him graciously. He felt a pang of guilt as he did so.

This isn't even my house.

"Have you eaten? This one can prepare something..." He trailed off, hoping with his entire soul that he wouldn't have to cook a meal for this man that he inexplicably despised. Though Ikeda-san was seemingly perfect in every way, Kenshin shamefully admitted to himself that he felt a strong desire to punch him in the face. Pacifism was so very inconvenient.

"We ate." Sanosuke stated firmly. Kenshin mentally thanked Sano a hundred times, feeling more gratitude toward his friend in that moment than he had when he'd flocked to his side against Shishio.

"I should be going, I just wanted to see Kamiya-san safely home," Ikeda-san said. He referred to Kaoru-dono formally, perhaps sensing how unwise it would be to call her "Kaoru-chan" in that moment. Kenshin and Sanosuke both tensed at the same time. As if Ikeda-san could keep her safe more than they could!

"Ah, thank you for taking care of Kaoru-dono," Kenshin felt the words burn in his throat like acid. Ikeda-san bowed to Sanosuke and Kenshin then he turned to Kaoru-dono.

"I had a great time today. Thank you for accompanying me." Kaoru-dono unexpectedly laughed loudly at this.

"So formal all of a sudden! I had fun too. I'll see you tomorrow?"

Kenshin felt his eyelid twitch.

"Of course! I'll pick you up tomorrow at six. It's been so long since I went to the theater, I can't wait," Ikeda-san said, smiling widely. Sanosuke's nostrils flared. Kenshin stood in silence, his expression hard like stone.

Ikeda-san left, and the three of them stood in the courtyard in silence.

Kaoru-dono was the first to break it.

"I'm gonna go lie down. I'm a little dizzy," her words were only a little slurred, she appeared to have sobered a bit. Kenshin watched her retreating back closely, ready to catch her if she swayed. She walked carefully, not stumbling once. She didn't look dizzy.

As soon as her door was closed, Sano spoke.

"We need to talk."

Sanosuke was uncharacteristically solemn as he poured sake into Kenshin's cup. Kenshin pretended to drink it and Sanosuke pretended not to notice. Kenshin waited as Sanosuke downed one cup and poured himself another.

"I don't like him," Sano declared. Kenshin said nothing, waiting for Sano to expound on his statement. Honestly, he was practically on the edge of his seat. He was overjoyed that Ikeda-san might have some monumental flaw, some justification for his intense dislike of the man. It'd be very convenient if it was something bad enough that Kaoru-dono would turn Ikeda-san away for good, but not so bad that she was in danger. Just the right amount of awful. Was that so much to ask?

"I can tell he's hiding something, I just don't know what it is."

"What do you mean?" Kenshin hadn't seen any indication that Ikeda-san wasn't being forthright and he felt uneasy about it. He was usually able to pick up on things like that. How had Sano noticed and Kenshin hadn't? Why were his senses so clouded now?

"I watched them when we were eating. I actually studied him pretty hard. Are you surprised that I'm not just a pretty face?" Kenshin tried not to roll his eyes.

"He looks at her forehead, or her mouth, anywhere but her eyes. He seems happy to be with her but when he thinks nobody's looking he looks...sad, or something like that." Sanosuke paused and averted his eyes from Kenshin for a second. Kenshin was a little disappointed. So Ikeda-san was much like him, then.

"And I don't like how Jou-chan acts when she's around him."

Kenshin set his cup down a little too hard.

"How she acts?" Kenshin asked, trying not to sound too concerned, as if he was asking if it might rain today. Sanosuke hesitated for a moment.

"Well, she was kind of... weird around him. I don't know how to explain it. She laughs at all of his jokes even if they're not funny, and she asks him a lot of questions about himself and his home and his family, and she gives him way too many compliments. She isn't acting like herself. I think she's flirting." Sanosuke shuddered visibly.

Kenshin's blood seemed to go cold, and his ears started to ring. He stared down at his cup.

Does she love him? So then, it wasn't a long dead girlhood crush?

"What do you want to do with her?" Kenshin jerked his head up so fast that Sano was startled. Sano, embarrassed, actually blushed a little.

"I don't mean like that, I mean what do you want? Do you want everything to stay the same, the way it is now? Are you just going to sit back and watch or do you want to get rid of this guy?" Sanosuke cracked his knuckles. "I can help."

Kenshin could think of a hundred things he had fantasized about doing with Kaoru-dono, and some things he'd fantasized about doing to Kaoru-dono. But Kenshin, as he was now, was never actually in these daydreams. In his fantasies he was someone who had never drawn a sword in his life. He was an honest farmer's son, or a tradesman, or something like that. He'd be part of a modest, but respected family and he would inherit the family land and a comfortable living.

He would meet Kaoru-dono on an errand in town, perhaps she would accidentally bump into him, she'd apologize for her clumsiness and they would laugh about it. They'd introduce themselves. "By the way, I'm Himura Shinta." Nobody had ever heard of Himura Battousai or Himura Kenshin because he had never existed. Kenshin would be curious about her, taken by her beauty and kindness and he'd inquire after her at her home. Their relationship would grow naturally, with ease. He would find all kinds of reasons to visit her, and she would know they were only excuses but she would never say so as she would enjoy their little secret too much. They would have little inside jokes and you-had-to-be-there stories together.

Eventually they would confess their love to one another and after a short courtship she would agree to be his wife and every night he would make her his, and she would make him hers in every way one could. She would cry out in pleasure at his touch and they would beg each other for more. Her belly would swell with his child. First a little daughter with Kaoru-dono's black hair and heart-shaped face, who would gaze at her father adoringly. A few years later a son, the spitting image of his father, he would be honest and kind. He would care for his mother and his sister so much that Kenshin would never have to worry about them even when he was old and gray.

These were dreams he indulged in from time to time, but they were so out of his reach that they were painful. How could he be anyone other than himself?

Kaoru-dono could only have that life with another man.

"Ikeda-san would be a better match for Kaoru-dono."

"That's not what I asked. What do you want?"

Kenshin had no answer. He wanted so many things from her, and he could ask for none of them.

"You'd better figure it out soon. Stop making her wait for you."

Kenshin felt anger start to burn through his chest.

"This one is not--" Sanosuke interrupted.

"If I told the fox-lady I loved her and she basically told me 'don't get your hopes up' and then continued on with life like nothing even happened I'd be pissed. Yeah, I know what you said to her. Don't worry, she only told Megumi and the only reason I know about it 'cause the fox-lady finds me so charming. But let's be honest, you didn't even give Jou-chan a straight answer." Sanosuke downed a shot of sake and sat back with arms crossed, seemingly daring Kenshin to rebut.

Kenshin was awfully tired of being scolded, but he had no defense for himself. Sanosuke was right.

Kenshin added another sin to atone for to his list.

Kenshin laid awake on his futon for hours. He listened to the sounds of Yahiko quietly returning home, creeping past Kenshin's room as if afraid to wake him, something that had never seemed to cross the boy's mind before. Kenshin felt sorry for his earlier tirade, though he did not regret the gist of what he'd said, he should have been more gentle, more understanding of Yahiko's limitations and his immaturity. Kenshin would apologize tomorrow. That would be a far easier conversation than the one he would have to have with Kaoru-dono.

What did Kenshin want with her? He didn't know. He couldn't possibly expect her to go on forever as they had been, wanting her to remain single, completely faithful in a non-existent relationship. She was of marriageable age. If her parents were still alive they would be working diligently to find her a proper match, a good provider and someone who would help her carry on her father's school.

Kenshin wondered if they would be concerned about how Kaoru-dono felt about her future husband. Would they have gone out of their way to find someone kind and handsome and strong for her? Would they have allowed Kaoru-dono to choose her own suitor? He was sure that they would not have approved of him and he couldn't blame them. He thought of that little daughter he'd imagined, of what it would be like to be her father. He imagined a man like Kenshin calling on him to request his daughter's hand. A man with scars on his face, unable to find work, with enemies from his past constantly coming out of the woodwork, people who would use that girl as leverage against him. Kenshin would have laughed in his face.

It only made sense that Kenshin should outright reject her. Tell her there was no possibility that they would ever be anything more than...

Actually, what were they? Friends? A woman and her charity case? Family, like brother and sister?

Could he go on living with her as they had been and watch her feelings for him fade? Could he stand by and watch Ikeda-san live that life with the happy family that he Kenshin so desperately wished for himself?

No, surely he would not be allowed even that. What man would be absolutely fine with him sticking around, even as a measley servant? A man that his wife had once been attracted to, a man who had such strong unrequited love for her. A man who posed constant danger to their family simply because of his past. No, that would be far too much to ask of any man.

Kenshin heard a light shuffle from Kaoru-dono's room, then the very slow sliding of her shoji that indicated she was trying to make as little noise as possible. Why? She knew very well that he would wake regardless, and Yahiko slept like the dead.

He listened keenly. Her footsteps were so light that he could barely hear them. They got further and further away. Not across the courtyard toward the kitchen, nor the tea room, and heading in the opposite direction of the bath. Where was she sneaking off to?

Kenshin felt his stomach drop as he thought of the possibility that she might be sneaking off to Ikeda-san. It was ridiculous, Kaoru-dono would never...

Kenshin hurriedly dressed, in near-panic. It would only occur to him later that even if she was off for a late night tryst what could he do about it? Who was he, her father?

She wasn't immediately visible in the courtyard. Her room was still empty, so she had not yet returned to it.

"Kenshin?"

Her voice sounded like it was coming from higher up, Kenshin searched above him and saw her small face innocently gazing down at him. Ah. The roof. She was alone. Kenshin almost collapsed in his relief.

Before he could muster control over his own body, he found himself climbing the ledge and heaving himself lightly onto the roof with the grace and assurance of a cat, absolutely silent. After all, he had climbed many a roof in the dead of night--

No, please stop. I don't want to remember this now.

"I'm sorry I woke you," she said, accepting his presence next to her as if he'd joined her for tea.

"This one was not asleep. How are you feeling?" Though it was dark there was enough moonlight for him to see a slight darkening in her cheeks. He could also see that her long, black hair was loose, cascading down her back. The ends brushed the small of her back and he wanted to touch them. Despite the chill she was still dressed in her sleeping yukata, a haori thrown over her shoulders. She was beautiful.

"I'm fine. Ugh! I didn't really drink that much. I'm such a lightweight," she groaned. Kenshin smiled a little, charmed by her embarrassment.

"I woke up and I couldn't get back to sleep. When I was--before you and Yahiko came to live here, I'd come up here when I had trouble sleeping or had something on my mind. I don't know what it is about being a little higher up that helps me clear my thoughts." This was something new about her that he hadn't known before. His heart swelled.

"Is something bothering you?" He asked, hoping that whatever it was would be something he could fix. He wanted Kaoru-dono to never worry again for all her life.

"Oh, n-nothing," she stammered, which made it glaringly obvious to Kenshin that something was troubling her.

Is it me?

Or maybe, Ikeda-san?

Kenshin didn't want to know the answer to that and so he struggled internally with the dual desires to unburden her and to protect his sanity. Lately he felt like he was hanging on by a thread.

"Is something... bothering you, Kenshin?" She asked, sounding uncharacteristically nervous. More and more often she was behaving strangely.

"About before, when you told--about what this one said..." The words left his mouth before he could catch himself. He hadn't even formed the thought that would come after. What about what he had said?

I love you, I love you, I love you too. His brain and his heart and his body cried out to say it, but he couldn't.

Coward. You pathetic bastard.

When he'd trailed off, Kaoru-dono waited silently for him to finish. Was she holding her breath just then? He couldn't hear the sound of her breathing. Even the air was completely still, as if everything, including them, had frozen in place. Dead.

Kaoru-dono in her yukata and haori disappeared, her face lit by the low, soft glow of a half-moon was gone. Now her eyes were blank and staring and there was absolutely nothing behind them. She was still warm but growing cold and stiff, a sword hilt jutting cruelly from her abdomen and the end...the end was stuck into the bloodstained wall of the dojo. Her limp, sagging body hung there like some lone, forgotten sheet on the clothesline.

Kenshin grew weak and his hands shook, he felt as though he could die right now. Wouldn't that be a relief?

Something warm touched his fingers. Blood?

"Kenshin. Kenshin! Open your eyes, Kenshin."

It was her, but she sounded so far away. Where was she? Maybe they were both--

The warmth on his fingers grew hotter and then gained form, became solid. A hand, smaller than his and gentle. Rough but even still, delicate. He looked down. It was her hand, moving, and there was a pulse inside it. It grasped his own tightly, the fingers knitting through his. He stared at it for a moment, and when he gathered the courage to look up it was Kaoru-dono again. Alive, her brow knitted together in worry and her eyes shining wetly.

Oh. Thank God. Thank you thank you thank you.

"S-sorry," was all he could manage. The tears that he'd seen in her eyes began to fall, and he had to turn away. If he looked at her now his would do the same. He had to focus on slowing his breathing, it was much too fast now.

For a long while she didn't speak, but she didn't move her hand from his either. They stayed that way until his breath came slow and even and the cold sweat that had dewed on his forehead dried.

She slowly unwound her fingers from his and placed her hand in her lap. Kenshin noticed that it was clenched tightly into a fist.

"It's okay, Kenshin," she said softly, almost in a whisper. He glanced at her face, and she was smiling reassuringly. "We don't have to talk about it right now."

No. No. Why was she bailing him out again? Why did she keep letting him off the hook? He had to tell her, be a man. Had he ever said the words aloud? He didn't think he'd ever said them to Tomoe. He had stupidly thought that his feelings were implied, had never thought it necessary to say and then had spent more than ten years of his life wishing he could, just once.

"Kaoru, I also love you."

He had said it, and he hoped that he'd saved himself one less regret in his life. If nothing else, he had said the words to her, like countless other men and women had before him. Simply, with no polite deference or formalities.

Here I am. A man who loves you and that's all.

Her eyes widened and she was suddenly taken with a coughing fit, hacking and gasping. When she finally calmed she glanced at him sheepishly.

"Uh, sorry. I guess I swallowed wrong."

Oh. What now? He hadn't thought that far ahead. Did she still...? Was this enough to break down the barrier between them that he had built? The wall that kept him from diving into the sea and dragging her underneath with him?

Maybe it was too late even for that.

No. How awful to even entertain the idea. Monstrous.

"Then do you? Do you really look at me?" she whispered, and Kenshin couldn't tell if she was asking him or talking to herself. Did she doubt him? Did she think he'd only said he loved her to placate her? He stared at her and answered his silent question when she saw his curious gaze.

"S-see me that way, as--as a w-woman I mean," she stuttered, casting her eyes away from him, mortified.

What? How ridiculous! How strange! It was just like her. Did he see her as a woman? She had never been anything else. What else could she be?

"Kaoru-dono, how do you think this one sees you?"

She cast her eyes about, as if looking for a hole to disappear into. He placed a hand firmly on her arm, a little afraid that she might decide to jump off the roof instead.

"I don't know! Like a sister, maybe? Or an inn keeper?"

An inn keeper. Where on Earth did that come from?

Oh, oh no. Kenshin struggled hard not to laugh, so much so that he trembled and his fingernails dug little half moons into the palm of his hand. He quickly removed the other from her arm, afraid that he would unconsciously grasp it too tightly.

He was giddy at his confession and her nervous, endearing reactions. He felt he was close to being swept away by it, and he couldn't let himself. He couldn't ever forget who and what he was and what that would bode for her.

But how could he reassure her without spilling every secret thought and dream he'd had about her? Wasn't it cruel to give her hope that they could be happy together someday? To pretend and play house with her like he'd naively done with Tomoe, only for all of it to get torn away from underneath them? That would surely be worse than ending it here, wouldn't it?

"Kaoru-dono, you are most definitely a woman to this one. A woman who is too far above this one's reach."

Did she understand? Had he spoken plainly enough without telling her too much?

"That's not true! I can barely boil water, I'm too loud, I don't know how to put my hair in anything but a ponytail, I have no clue how to put on makeup, and I'm a liar because last week I told Yahiko I couldn't train with him because I was sick but I was really just feeling lazy and wanted to take a nap, and I blamed Sano for eating all the onigiri but it was me!"

Kenshin couldn't help himself. "Oh, well in that case..."

"I swear, if you tease me right now..!"

Kenshin sobered, and when he made to speak he planned to explain all the ways in which she had turned him inside out, how her "flaws" were part of why he loved her. He would explain how all of his flaws were why she couldn't possibly settle for him and how unconscionable it would be for him to allow her to.

But when she suddenly grabbed his gi, twisting her fingers into the fabric that framed his chest and bringing him toward her forcefully, he was so startled that he didn't even think to stop her with his strength and dexterity that surpassed hers. Everything he was going to say was swallowed down, forgotten.

When she pressed her lips against his the world disappeared except for her, she was everything and he was nothing. Neither a man or a monster or a wanderer.

Author's Note: The last chapter was pretty short, so this one was pretty long. What a rollercoaster of emotions. Sorry I'm so slow with these chapters lately. I've been struggling with growing Kenshin's and Kaoru's characters while trying not to be too OOC. But I think I probably shouldn't worry too much.

In the last chapter and in this one, I did away with Kenshin's formal "sessha" speech. In the last chapter it was a happy accident (thanks, Bob Ross) and I thought of going back and editing the chapter but I kept it, because why would Kenshin be all polite and poetic when he's in papa bear mode? My instincts turned out ok (I wish this were true in other aspects of my life), so I've decided to write with my feelings!

Thank you so much to those who have followed this story so far and for leaving comments. They're really motivating and I appreciate you for taking the time!

Side note: skenshingumi, I always look forward to reading your reviews. Your comments are so thoughtful. Thank you!

We only have a few more chapters to go I think. Oh, did you think we were pretty much done here? Oh no. Our strong, sensitive, traumatized Kenshin is far too complicated for an easy ending like that.

Teaser: we will soon see the return of our dear, ancient Cho-san. What's the deal with Ikeda-san? Hasn't Megumi-dono been in the background long enough? Let's gooooo.