Author's Notes: I'll take the unsigned Reigasm as a good thing ;-p
Chapter 4 – Pain Tolerance
Pre-read by Fanf1cFan
Early morning sunlight filtered into the apartment, playing over the gentle features of the Third Child still asleep in bed. She considered him for a moment before returning her attention to the solitary plant sitting in one of her soup bowls, along with the swatch of earth it required for life and growth. She did not know its name or genus, but after coming across a whole patch of them in a field, she had felt drawn to it. Perhaps it was the color of the silk-like petals – a delicate white with soft blue trim around the edges. Perhaps it was because of her general fascination with nature and its patterns. For whatever reason, she had carefully transplanted one, and brought it back to her apartment.
She had learned more in the past week and a half than she had the entire month since Third Impact, or even the half-year she had known Shinji in her previous life. During that time she and Shinji had merely seen brief snatches of each other's life, and so had not been forced to adapt to the unique foibles of the other. During the month since Third Impact, she had come to recognize the barrier between them. Barrier, perhaps, was a word that was too loaded with other meanings, but it was the best fit for the phenomenon.
Boundary layer, false front, cushion, each of these words had their positives and negatives. As her interactions with Maki grew more complex, she had come to recognize that it was this barrier between people that allowed them to relate to others and at the same time keep themselves separate and distinct. It was very nearly a kind of AT-field, in a theoretical sense. When two people came together, each put up a front they wished to show to the other, and when the fronts melded as the two individuals got to know each other, the combined barrier allowed a kind of safe interaction. The barrier, in essence, represented the relationship between the two.
It was an ever-changing thing, always growing and evolving, like the myriad plants outside. Like the flower she had brought into her apartment. Her thoughts even two weeks prior were woefully deficient. That she could have hoped to freeze her relationship with Shinji into some kind of cryostasis was almost laughable. She saw that clearly now, and she saw how lucky the two of them had been so far. She might as well have been blind, and it frightened her that in another two weeks she might be saying the same things yet again as she continued to learn.
Beside her, he stirred, mumbling as he slowly came awake. He sat up, rubbing his eyes, finally noticing that she was awake and sitting up, as opposed to still asleep. He blinked dully a few times, then his eyes widened as he saw the flower. It was more of a reaction than the simple surprise she had been expecting.
"That's..." he cleared his throat. "That's a blue iris," he said, almost in awe as he looked closer at the ceramic bowl, barely touching the petals, as if to assure himself of its reality. "Rei, where did you find this?"
"In a field."
Her eyes turned to meet his, curious perhaps at his sudden interest and knowledge.
"What do you know of this plant?" she asked.
The facts ran through his head. It was one of rarer forms of the blue iris, and it must have been brought over to Japan by a foreigner. In the proper environment they spread readily enough, but who would have brought one over and then abandoned it? He touched the petals gingerly, feeling the subtle dryness he had hoped would not be present. No matter what she did, the flower would be dead within a week, and she had no idea. This particular variety was most definitely not a house-plant. It was meant to be out in a rock garden, if anything.
"The Teacher I lived with before coming to NERV was a gardener," he finally said. "You're extremely lucky to have found something like this, but..." He stopped himself. How could he tell her it would be dead by the end of the week, and that there was nothing she could do? He tore his eyes away from the beautiful flower to see her eyes almost as expressive as they had been during their walk back from NERV after the last Angel attack.
"I was unaware you had such knowledge," she said, returning her gaze to the flower.
"Hah," he looked away to hide the discomfort evident on his face. "It's just like my cello," he admitted. "I know about plants because my Teacher suggested it as a pastime."
And yet it was a common interest between them, a true one, unlike Eva. He was more than aware of the time she spent staring out the classroom window, and now that he was around her so much, he knew how often she went out just to walk around. After a minute of contemplation, she turned back to him, her expression unreadable.
"Train with me, Shinji."
He looked up in surprise. "You-you mean gymnastics?"
"Yes."
"-o-okay, sure, I'd love to." He looked for a moment at her subtly expressive face, trying to divine its secrets, or perhaps puzzle out what had caused her to change her mind. Rei, who could say more with a glance than most people could say in an entire conversation.
If only I was more fluent in her language.
As the two dressed, a rather familiar knocking issued from the front of the building. Shinji exited the bathroom in time to see Rei open the door to reveal Ritsuko, and beside her, Maya.
"I know we're a bit early," Ritsuko said apologetically. "Hope you don't mind. We could always help out if you need us to..."
"That's alright," Rei said, opening the door wider. "Come in."
Maya watched Ritsuko watch the two Children prepare breakfast. It was somewhat disconcerting the way almost no words were exchanged, yet they worked perfectly in sync. Rei handed Shinji two more eggs, which he broke into a mixing bowl while she went to the refrigerator for the milk. By the time she got back, he stepped to the side momentarily while she measure in the appropriate amount. He went back to whipping the mixed ingredients while she put away the carton and got out the bread.
"It feels so odd watching them do this," Maya said in an undertone. Ritsuko nodded.
"I've been joining them for a meal periodically, and it never ceases to amaze me how well they work together."
"But, is it healthy?" Maya looked to her sempai, a bit of worry in her usually controlled features.
Ritsuko didn't answer for a moment.
"You're not the first to ask that, but they seem to be doing fine. Their sync scores are astounding. They seem to be having a positive effect on each other from all external appearances." She turned to face her pupil, shrugging as if in exasperation. "Who're we to try to fix something that isn't broken?" The twinkle in her eyes, and how she so easily accepted the situation was a bit unsettling, but Maya didn't want to press the issue.
Shinji brought the food to the table, bringing the covert conversation to a halt. Maya watched, and felt her heartstrings tugged a bit as Rei sat and waited patiently for Shinji to serve her. She noticed that the boy didn't offer to serve either of them, at least not openly. She looked questioningly at Ritsuko, who stared right back, her mouth twitching into a smile.
"I hope you're not waiting for me to feed you," the doctor commented snidely. Maya stuck her tongue out as she reached for the platter.
The two stayed long after the food had been eaten, making what conversation they could with the normally reclusive pilots. At what seemed like a polite time, they left, at which point Rei reminded Shinji of his promise to train with her. He stumbled over himself in his rush to prepare.
Following Rei's blue hair and white leotarded form through countless escalators and corridors, he was surprised to suddenly walk through a door and into a darkened gymnasium that seemed rather spacious. It was difficult to tell in the dark, but he saw the shadows and outlines of parallel bars, and two lonely rings hanging from the ceiling via long ropes. Stepping back a few paces just to make sure, he looked back out the door and into the twisted snarl of cooling pipes and vents that decorated the various passages in NERV, and then back into the gymnasium.
"Wow, I had no idea something like this was even here," he murmured, following Rei into the darkness. She nearly disappeared into the gloom, then he heard a sharp click, followed by harsh light. He shaded his eyes until they adjusted. Looking around in wonder at the familiar shapes of a pommel horse, several different versions of the parallel bars at varying heights, and miscellaneous spring-boards lying about in one corner, his eyes eventually found Rei on a thin padded blue mat doing stretches. In fact, the girl was sitting neatly on the floor, one leg stretched behind her, the other straight out front.
The splits, he thought numbly. How the heck is that even...
His eyes bugged out as she calmly laid herself down over the outstretched leg. Flat.
"Gah!" He partially shielded his eyes with an upraised arm. How is that physically possible?
"Shinji."
He honestly did not know how she was able to both breathe and hold her position at the same time.
"...ah, yeah?"
"You may stretch on your own, if you want." She brought her body back upright and leaned back over the leg stretched behind her. Thankfully for his sanity, she did not go down flat. "As soon as I am warmed up, I will assist you."
"-okay," he finally managed to get out. He had come in sweat-pants and a t-shirt, and so he did not have to change. He stepped gingerly over onto the other far corner of the mat and sat down, stretching his legs flat in front of him and attempting to touch his toes. Even with just the two of them it was embarrassing enough, it being the only stretch he knew. He was barely able to touch the top of his feet. After holding for a few seconds, he glanced over at his companion, who was coincidentally doing the same stretch, and had neatly folded herself over on top of her own legs, her hands meeting somewhere past her feet. Against his will, his eyes briefly wandered over her curves, especially the ones outlined by the particular stretch she was oh-so-elegantly perform-
He looked away, cheeks hot as he tried to get his heart-beat back under control. Half a minute later her soft voice startled him.
"Don't bounce."
He looked over in surprise, bracing himself for whatever mind-bending position she was currently abusing. As it turned out, she was merely sitting with her legs flat, her torso and upper body twisted around to one side.
"Huh?"
"Simply stretch and hold it," she explained. "It will be fine for you to do that one stretch for the time being."
"Just the one?" he asked in surprise.
"Yes," she replied, releasing her hold and twisting her body in the other direction. "A stretch should be held for at least sixty seconds to be truly effective. It takes that long for the muscle-tensors to relax sufficiently so that the actual tendons can be effectively stretched."
"Ah."
It was the first time since he had known Rei that he felt included, that he felt he was actually doing something with her. Always before it felt like he was on the outside looking in, as if she were carefully reaching out, perhaps trying to protect them both as she cautiously built up the relationship between them. Something happened in the past week that changed things. It was the only answer that made sense, but nothing from the past week stood out in his memory
With a jolt of surprise, he found he could actually grasp his toes in his hands. He realized he had lost count, but it must have been longer than a minute by his estimation. She had been right, he could feel the muscles in his legs relaxing, and found he could stretch further.
"Push only until the pain begins, but no further," she warned him. "It is very easy to injure yourself at this point."
"Right," he grunted. He was intimately familiar with pain, but that didn't mean he was immune to it. At least this pain was something he controlled. Balancing on the razor's edge of where the pain began and ended, his concentration sharpened until the tendons in his legs were the only things in his awareness. He imagined he could feel every millimeter of them as the seconds stretched to minutes.
Some time later he was dimly aware of hands on his shoulders.
"Careful," she warned him. "Do not move suddenly." Slowly the room came back into focus as she gently helped him back until he was lying down. Her hands moved to his legs, massaging his calves, which were nearly numb. She was so businesslike that it was not until he was standing and moving around to regain his sluggish blood circulation that the remembered warmth of her hands made his heart race. He was thankful that she was not looking his way at that moment, and that his sweat-pants were rather baggy. After several minutes she set her light blue towel down and stood from where she had knelt next to her gym bag.
"Sit down here and we will do partner stretches for a few minutes before I show you the basics of gymnastics floor routine movements."
"-okay."
He sat down facing her, spreading his feet apart to match her posture. She placed a foot on the inside of each of his ankles and then reached forward to take his hands.
"Relax," she instructed, leaning back and pulling steadily, stretching his back forward. He was nervous for the first few seconds, but she seemed to read his movements, feeling just how much tension was necessary. He felt her pause just at the point where he was beginning to feel pain, waiting until he relaxed before pulling further. His cheeks went slightly pink as he considered their joined hands, and his eyes flicked up to hers, wondering if she noticed his nervousness, and its reason. Her eyes were closed, which made him feel somewhat guilty.
She's giving this all her attention, just like Eva. His eyebrows drew down as he closed his eyes, banishing his mixed feelings. I can't fail her when she's like this. I have to do my best. He did not notice the slight upward curving of her lips.
"-ouch!"
"Hold still," she commanded, as she efficiently wrapped up his left foot. Air hissed through his lips as he tried to follow her instructions. The upside was her experience with bandaging and binding wounds, but the downside was that all her experience was with herself, and her tolerance for pain was rather high. "Don't be embarrassed," she said, noticing his expression. "It is a common injury. I myself suffered it once or twice."
"Once or twice?" She seemed to have perfect recall in most everything else.
"Once," she admitted, averting her eyes.
"-ah." It had just been conversation to ease his mind.
"In your case the sprain is very light, without any external swelling. After binding, you should be able to walk normally." She continued to minister to his foot, causing him to wince.
"Yeah," he gasped. "If I survive the binding...!" She pulled on the bandage, probably just to draw it tight, but he imagined he saw a glint in her normally stoic expression.
"How many more times in this conversation will you cast aspersions on my first aid skills?"
"-n-no! That's not what I meant! It was a joke..." He pulled his foot back just as her fingers slid over the bandages one final time before she looked up.
"All finished." Her eyes laughed at him, but only her eyes.
The two of them packed their gym bags and left the room, returning via elevator to the surface of the Geofront.
"It is nearly time for Unit-00's reactivation."
The carefully manicured forests surrounding them gave a measure of shade against the redirected light from outside. He wondered briefly where they were going, but couldn't work up the courage to ask.
"It's too bad the Angels seem to remember each time we reset," he said, stepping carefully to avoid twisting his still-tender foot. "I guess it's useless now to use the past to try to predict how they'll act."
"The previous two were far weaker than the one we now face," she reminded him. "We beat it nearly by accident the last time. It quite probably will behave the same simply because it does not need to change its tactics to win."
"So you think it'll act the same as it did before?" he asked incredulously.
"Why would it not? It is so powerful it can act with impunity."
He didn't know what to say that wouldn't result in an argument, so he kept quiet. We've never argued, he realized. They conversed. Not much, but then Rei never talked much anyway. Setting down his bag, he leaned back against a tree, stretching out his injured foot as Rei sat behind him on the other side of the tree.
"I've never heard you talk so pessimistically," he said, careful to keep his tone as neutral as possible.
"I am not being pessimistic," she corrected him, "I am being realistic. The Angel waited until the exact moment you pulled the trigger, and then it fired back, causing your shot to miss. Such an action undoubtedly required a high degree of precision and calculation, along with extremely powerful scanning capacity." Her mini-rant quashed the few ideas he had put together.
"So... what do we do, then?"
"We should behave exactly the same as we did before, and thus the Angel should behave much the same as well. I have a high pain tolerance, and should be able to protect you until you destroy it."
"But, last time, you were nearly dead-"
"No." She interrupted him suddenly. "I could have held out a little longer."
"What about when I'm first sent up to face it?" he asked. "I doubt I can talk Misato into altering the battle plan. What would I use as an excuse?"
"Despite the damage Eva will take, perhaps it is best simply to take the pain until you are retrieved."
"Like last time, you mean," he mumbled, trying not to remember. It was about half a minute before she responded.
"Ikari, I have noticed your tendency to run from pain." He looked around the tree, but she did not look at him, and her voice almost sounded cold.
"-um, isn't that normal?"
"It is a natural instinct," she replied slowly. "But you must know when to suppress it."
"Maybe I can dodge, like Misato was screaming at me to do."
She eyed him sidelong. "What about the restraining bolts?"
"What about them?"
She did not answer. He sat for several minutes listening to the wind whisper through the trees. He heard a rustle, which he assume was Rei shifting positions, or maybe getting something from her bag. He did not even notice when he drifted off to sleep, until a soft but insistent chime woke him.
He blinked once or twice, coming to his senses. He looked around the tree, but Rei was gone. His cell-phone continued its quiet serenade, and he fumbled through the gym bag until he found it.
"-hello?" he said hesitantly, slipping the phone up to his ear.
"Shinji where are you?!" Ritsuko's voice shrilled from the speaker, making him wince. "You're late for your extended activation test!"
"S-Sorry...!" He jumped to his feet, gasping in pain at his forgotten foot injury.
"Is there something wrong?"
"No, I'm okay..." he carefully bent and retrieved his gym bag, then walked as quickly as he was able towards the pyramid in the distance. "I'll be right there."
The second call came before he even got to NERV proper. The Angel had arrived.
Tendrils of worry wove their way through his mind, adding flavor to his anxiety. His mother's delicate touch at the back of his mind told him he was synchronized a half second before Maya's tense voice reported that the borderline had been crossed.
What do I do?
He was moving inevitably towards a confrontation that he could not win, yet he had no choice but to go along. To someone with no prior knowledge of Ramiel's abilities, the only logical choice was a direct engagement, so of course they were sending him up. They had no way to know what would happen. He felt the phantom touch of his mother's arms on his shoulders as his AT-field unfolded. Don't worry, she seemed to say. I'll protect you. But he knew it was no use. Even on full power, his protective field would do little good against the power of Ramiel's particle beam. Then we'll run. He felt the increased power-drain as the Eva tensed its muscles.
"...but, what if I can't get free of the restraining bolts in time?" He felt his mother waver momentarily.
"What's that, Shinji?" Ritsuko asked over the comm.
"-oh, uh, nothing..." He wondered idly how much Ritsuko knew of the Eva's secrets.
Fight, or run. Choose. Yui withdrew slightly, waiting expectantly for his decision, always ready to step in if he was unable to decide in time. Fight or run. Fight or run. Fight-
"Launch Eva!" Misato's yell interrupted his solitude, sending him rocketing towards the surface of Tokyo-3.
I guess Rei is right, he reluctantly decided. It would probably be too much to hope that he could free himself from his restraints, dodge the beam which in all likelihood would be able to track and reacquire him anyway, and then somehow make it to another entry point before the Angel incapacitated him. Even if I make it, the damage to the city would be bad. The Eva can take it, so I have to...
The entry-point doors cross-hatched open, and he was bathed in a soft white light. Ramiel was just visible around a weapons building. Light glinted at the edge nearest him, and his resolve melted away, but by then it was too late. Before he could will his legs into movement, someone had shoved a red-hot poker into his chest and was twisting it viciously. He heard screaming in the background, and then the lights went out.
"Shinji, you did well, rest now..." It had to be a hallucination, because his mother was holding his hand. He was lying in a comfortable place, and everything was going to be alright. Maybe I'm dead. There was no pain, which was the first indicator, not even the phantom pain that was still there whenever Eva was heavily injured. Shifting a little, he winced. Okay, so there was a little pain. His eyelids creaked open and his mother's face swam into view. He blinked rapidly, unable to believe his eyes.
"...is-" he coughed weakly, "-is it really you?" The lights were blinding, and he tried to raise an arm, but only succeeded in hitting himself in the face. He heard someone curse distantly.
"-turn down the lights!"
His eyes began to adjust as the brightness dimmed, and then his mother's face morphed into Rei's. Still a bit woozy, his clouded mind didn't even question the strangeness. It must have always been Rei, he decided.
"-sorry, Rei..." he slurred.
"...ehehehe, he called her 'Rei', that's so cute!" Misato's voice was distant, and he pondered whether a fake cardiac arrest would put an end to the woman's incessant teasing.
"You have nothing to be sorry about," Rei's close voice drowned out the background annoyances.
"No," he tried to explain, but his tongue seemed too heavy. "I tried to run...!"
"Well, at least you failed," she temporized. She was being nice to him, he realized. She was no longer angry. Concentrating on the warmth of her hands surrounding his, he decided he could die happy.
Of course, I wouldn't stay dead, so I guess it doesn't matter...
"What was that?" Misato's voice was full of question. "I didn't catch that, did he say something about dying?"
"Misato, leave the poor boy alone, he's obviously okay," Ritsuko's voice echoed distantly. There was an abrupt scuffling sound, then a plaintive "-alright, I'm going, I'm going...!"
Shinji awoke to a dark room, and a series of confusing memories. He decided his previous awakening was a hallucination, and placed the back of his hand on his forehead with a sigh. After a few minutes of rest, he pulled himself from bed. My clothes... he wracked his brain. -are still in the locker room, he decided, feeling the slick plug-suit still clinging to him like a second skin. Lifting a hand to his hair, he dreaded what he would find. Seconds later he breathed a sight of relief. It was still slightly damp, but from water, not LCL, which meant they had cleaned him. The embarrassment involved in having to be cleaned up by someone else was infinitely preferable to dried LCL in the hair.
He cracked open the door, squinting at the afternoon sunlight streaming through the hallway window. He placed an arm on the door jamb to steady himself. I... guess they didn't put me in the life-support unit. If they had, he would have been out of it for a lot longer. Which meant his physical injuries must have been lighter. He absently rubbed a hand across his still-aching chest. It certainly felt the same as last time, he shuddered at the remembered pain of Ramiel's beam lashing at his chest armor. It had not seemed like they had retrieved him any quicker, so it couldn't be that.
"Ah, Shinji, you're up!" Ritsuko's voice carried from down the hall as the staccato of her footsteps found their way to his door. "I'll finish checking you out, and then you're free to go. Just remember to keep your cell-phone with you."
"-alright..."
She did not mention any sort of time-frame for the operation against the Angel, so he assumed it was quite a bit earlier even than he had first thought.
Shinji once again found himself wandering the forests of the Geofront. Neither Ritsuko or Misato had told him not to go back to above-ground Tokyo-3, but he didn't want to get too far and then receive the expected phone call. He spent about a half-hour walking among the trees, admiring the carefully prepared 'forest look' that had been built into the landscaping. Vines and various plants had been allowed free reign in places, but parts of it looked just too 'perfect,' and gave it away. He was about to return to NERV proper when a flash of movement in the distance caught his eye.
Walking slowly up to a shaded clearing he nearly tripped over a gym bag. Rei's gym bag, he realized. Looking up, he saw her, partially eclipsed by the trees. She was moving slowly, but he could see the light effortlessness of her motions. A dance? Or maybe gymnastics... It almost looked like slow-motion martial arts, but there was something seductive about her movements, as if she were drawing opponents in only to first surprise, then effortlessly subdue them.
He stood entranced as he watched her, all the way until a sharp tone sounded at his feet. He dodged behind a tree, holding his breath as he heard her softly pad over to the bag and retrieve her phone.
"-yes ma'am," he heard her say a moment later, and then there was nothing but silence. After a half-minute he peeked around the tree to find her gone.
Probably called away by Ritsuko to begin preparations for the mission, he decided.
The pitch blackness of the inside of the entry-point gave way to the softer grays of night as the mountainside blocking Unit-01 slid aside. Shinji stepped forward out into the open, Unit-00 beside him and slightly behind. The multiple layers of their hardened armor alloy stood between them, but he knew that even if they had been touching, the gulf would still be there.
What am I to her?
He hated himself for even considering the question, after all she had done to reach out to him, to help him, before during and after Third Impact. But the closer he got to her, the more he saw just how far away she was, how unattainable. "Without Eva I'm nothing." His words to her, and hers to him. Yet while Eva had given him purpose, Eva was her purpose. That strange martial art he has seen her performing, her gymnastics, her single-minded determination, it put him to shame. And still she had reached out to him.
She's everything, and I'm nothing. What could she possibly see in me?
As he had been the first time, he was unaware of the small crowd of class 2-A male otakus gathered on the roof of the building overlooking the Eva's projected exit point.
"We're rooting for you-"
"Yeah, kick its butt!"
"Go get'im!"
Whistles, cat-call, and camera lenses tracked the two massive hybrids as they marched slowly towards the rendezvous point up on the mountain. Some ways away from the group of drooling boys stood two notable differences in the forms of Akira and Maki. An errant breeze whipped their school uniform skirts around their legs as they stood side by side, hands on the railing, watching the departing Evas.
Ramiel hovered in the distance, sullen and menacing as he drilled into the armored pavement towards NERV headquarters.
"Shinji, watch where you're putting things!" Ritsuko snapped as he nearly clipped a temporary communications tower off at its base.
"I'm watching, I'm watching," he murmured, setting down the tractor-trailer-size all-purpose cargo container next to its brethren. As he continued the mechanical steps of setting up camp, he watched Rei as she carefully connected the leads to the particle rifle. It wasn't like he could talk to Ritsuko about what he was going through. Rei was the only one who understood, and the closer he got to her, the more he was reminded just how much much better she was, how little he deserved even being her friend.
"Alright, that should be everything." Misato's voice played out over the external speakers as well as the comm system. "Shinji, Rei, return to the designated-"
Her words were lost amidst a cacophony of alarms and status reports. Shinji glanced over at the Command trailer in surprise. He was about to speak when a soft white light illuminated the general area.
"Misato, what's wrong-" A deadly purple thread of energy swept across the camp, punctuating the landing zone with a geyser of white energy that rose into the air. A mostly-intact VTOL tumbled through the air, probably, Shinji thought, because its landing pad had just been vaporized. The shuttle shield was in his hands, and red numbers were counting down. Playing back his recent memory, he realized he had leaped over the molten Command trailers and grabbed the shield just as Ramiel's angry lance of energy had bisected the area he and his power cable had been occupying. Rei crouched behind him, her communications box blinking into existence on his display.
"We cannot escape before the shield loses integrity, but if we stay here, we risk being disabled." Her meaning was crystal clear to him, his mind running on the razor's edge of clarity. If they were killed, they would reset, but what if they were disabled? What would happen if the Angel contacted Lilith? Did it even know that it was Lilith down there and not Adam? His mind was still racing through possibilities when Ramiel's particle beam ripped through the ground beneath their feet. He stumbled, exposing an arm which was chopped off moments later. The shield wavered as he gasped in pain, and that was when the Angel took off Rei's head, or rather her Unit's head. He watched in horror as the Eva toppled over, her ejecting plug sputtering through the air to embed itself into the ground.
"No! Rei...!" A burning needle stitched its way across his midsection as he slumped to the ground, and he watched numbly as the Angel methodically took apart the camp. Nothing escaped its touch, not even Rei's entry plug, which boiled away in a moment of high-energy bombardment. He was lying in his mother's arms in a sea of molten metal laced with red. He could feel her trying to comfort him even as she was dying.
If only he couldn't see, but the ever-present white light made sure all was visible. His failure. There was no way to beat something like this, anyone could see that. Rei would give up on him, that much was certain. They both would make what life they could, trapped between the beginning and this monstrosity. Or maybe they could live in that desolate post-war reality, just as soon as he found a way to kill himself. The white light niggled away at his will, playing over the death and destruction outside.
Two minutes, thirty eight seconds. That was how long he would be forced to look upon his failure. He had heard that drowning was painless, even rather comfortable. He didn't believe one word of it, of course, but it didn't matter. Whether death found him out there, or in here, it was all the same. The white light must be a precursor to its weapon, he thought idly. But it had stopped firing over half a minute ago. Something tickled away at the back of his mind, and he tried to ignore it.
"Scheisse! Idiot! How much longer are you going to lay there?!"
Shut up, Asuka, he thought with a tired sigh.
"Dummkopf! I know you're slow, but this is ridiculous...! LOOK!" He could practically feel both of her hands on the sides of his head, forcing him to turn back to face the destruction.
"I know, Asuka, I know." Stubborn tears leaked into the LCL. "I'm a failure. It's my fault. I won't try to run from my mistakes any more, okay? Will that make you happy?"
"Guhhh!" She dropped his head back against the head-rest, disgust obvious in her voice. "That's my failure out there," she whispered quietly. "You just had to make me say it, didn't you? Or maybe that's what you wanted all along." The pain in her ephemeral voice hurt nearly as much as his missing arm, or the gash burned through his chest that had partially severed his Eva's spine.
"Asuka, what are you-" The words died when he realized he was talking to himself. She was gone, or maybe she had never been there. The white light continued to play over the solidifying pools of steel outside. "My failure," she had said. No, this is my failure, he argued. Asuka had only failed against the Angel in orbit, and the one that had nearly destroyed NERV itself, after taking her Eva's head off. And the twin Angel, his demon reminded him. "No," he said firmly. "We beat that one later, so it doesn't-" Suddenly it clicked in his mind. The orbital Angel. Her failure. "It can't be..." But the white light, it all made sense.
Closing his eyes, he concentrated, and after a few moments he could feel the intrusion. He had gotten too used to mental intrusions after going through Third Impact every time he died, so much so that he had not noticed. His brow furrowed, and the timer continued counting down as he drew more heavily on the Eva's battery. When he opened his eyes, he looked, this time at reality, or what he supposed was reality. Except for a few overturned cargo containers, everything was intact. Technicians were sprawled out on the ground, and his stomach turned when he recognized the shape of what had to be legs sticking out from under one of the overturned containers. I'm okay, he realized, as the pain of his phantom wounds vanished. But what about...
"Rei..." Her Eva was whole and undamaged, but it was collapsed over the particle rifle, which had bent nearly in two under its weight. Her plug was stuck into the earth some distance away. Enlarging the image with a thought, he saw her small twisted form in a heap below the open plug, and his heart went to his throat. Pushing himself to his feet, he was next to her plug in two strides. The Angel ignored him. Glancing furtively to where it was still drilling, he crouched his Eva, ejected the plug, and put it in stand-by to stop the battery-drain.
He jumped down, mindful of his still-sore foot, and scrambled to where she lay. Falling to his knees in the grass, he cradled her head in his lap. She whimpered at his touch, then coughed, her entire body shaking. Putting a hand to her throat, he found that her pulse was weak and racing. He looked back up to Ramiel in the distance, still drilling down. Nothing made sense. The Angel had apparently switched completely to using Arael's attack, and was invading the minds of everyone in the camp. Was it just trying to stall things long enough to make it to Terminal Dogma? It could kill him at any time, but then again, maybe it knew that would only restart things.
"You were right." She was almost whispering, and blood flecked her pale lips. She had reached up to take hold of his hand, which was still resting on her throat.
"...ssh, try not to talk so much," he said, eyes wide as he reassessed her condition. She smiled weakly.
"You are the only one," she coughed once, blood dripping from the side of her mouth. "-who would ever have occasion to tell me that..."
A chuckle escaped his lips. Nothing appeared broken, but she had to be bleeding internally, probably from the lungs. Every time she breathed he could hear the rattle of fluid.
"You were right," she reiterated. "We could not have predicted this."
"That doesn't matter right now," he murmured. As he looked around, he could feel Ramiel trying to push its way back into his mind. Reality wavered between the mostly-intact camp and the molten pools of cooling metal. The drill is probably real, he decided. He could walk his Eva down to the Angel and force it to kill him. It was the most direct way, other than going into the Command trailer and purloining someone's gun. But if the Angel was controlling everyone in camp, human contact was probably even more dangerous.
"I'm sorry," her body shook with a cough. "Section Two is unavailable."
"That's... that's okay," he tried to suppress a smile. She was always funnier when she wasn't trying to be, and he knew she hated it. "I'll find another way."
With a supreme effort she forced her eyes open. He was about to leave, she knew that. He had to find some way to kill himself. She knew instinctively she might die before him, for she felt the seriousness of her injuries. Already she was getting light-headed. She was accustomed to disregarding her own desires, but their current circumstances were so jarringly different that she actually felt the beginnings of panic. It was completely illogical. Her very nature meant she had another clone awaiting her consciousness if she died here, and beyond that, if Shinji died she would doubtless wake up back at the beginning. It did not matter if Shinji left her side temporarily.
Then again, maybe that was the difference. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered any more. She no longer had to hold herself to the rigorous standards Gendo had set for her. She no longer had to worry about her bonds to the rest of the world, since she had a subjective eternity to get things right. She only had to worry about Shinji, and herself. What do I want? He moved to get up, and she gripped his hand, realizing the truth. She did not want to die alone.
"Don't leave me." She saw him look down at her, then back at the Angel. "Please..."
She felt him hesitate, then shift slightly, placing an arm under her knees. She closed her eyes and put her arms around his neck to free one of his arms so that he could climb back into his Eva.
She sat, arms around her legs, watching the rolling surf a few yards away. The waves were a reddish color, illuminated in the bright moonlight. Red, she thought with an inner sigh. Why does it always have to be red? The question was highly irrational, but then again, so was her hatred of the color itself. Her companion shifted uneasily beside her. The two of them always returned to this strange place following death. This time they both wore their plug suits, even though the first time they had appeared here after Third Impact he and she had been in school uniforms. It only served to remind her of how unstable their reality was from one reset to the next.
"How did you break free of the Angel's influence?"
"I don't know," he responded. "Asuka, I think. Her battle," he added hurriedly. For some reason, mentioning her to Rei made him uncomfortable. "I remember her screaming when the Angel invaded her mind, and Ritsuko kept mentioning a white light." A minute's silence stretched out. "Probably the only reason I broke out was because the Angel had to focus on so many people."
"-mm."
She had grown used to making such idle noises in her conversations with Shinji, though she was not yet completely clear on their purpose. For him it seemed to be an acknowledgment that one was still paying attention, or perhaps something less than agreement, but not quite disagreement.
"What do we do now?"
She contemplated his question, and the red waves. How long until the blood diffused out to sea and the oceans returned to normal?
"We should not stay here," she stated with some finality. She could feel the question even though he did not ask. Would not. Ever since their near-argument earlier, he had avoided conflict of any kind. "This place is an unknown," she explained. "Your thoughts control things to some extent. It is too dangerous." A half minute passed.
"Will the other Angels be able to invade minds, do you think?"
It was so shocking that he would ask her to speculate on future Angelic behavior, especially after what they had just gone through, that her normally placid expression slipped, giving way to the hurt beneath the surface. You would ask such a thing after our disagreement on this very subject? After I got us both killed with my previous guesses and suggestions? Not knowing how to respond, she lapsed into silence.
"...Rei?"
"We should go back now," she said, cutting him off and hopefully curtailing further painful conversation. She could feel his gaze on her for a few moments before he finally turned away.
He closed his eyes, shutting out the night, the red sea, and the harsh moon overhead. Maybe she's thinking about how she'll have to go through another month of bed-rest with all those injuries when we return to the beginning. Maybe that's why she's mad. It still hurt to be on the receiving end of her coldness. He concentrated, bringing to mind the image of her wavering form standing in the middle of the street looking at him with those empty eyes. It seemed to be the key to going back, or at least it had been in the past. No matter how hard he tried though, he could no longer clearly imagine her that way. All he could think about was seeing her nymph-like dance in the forest as she effortlessly subdued her imaginary opponents, turning their attacks in on themselves.
He felt the world shift around him, and when he opened his eyes, he was there, watching her glide. And stumble. She fell to the ground and immediately went into a roll, coming smoothly to her knees as she regained control of her momentum. She paused there momentarily, obviously deep in thought. Her phone rang, in the bag at his feet, and this time he was too stunned to dodge behind the tree. She padded up to where he stood, calmly bent and retrieved the cell-phone from her bag, putting it to her ear.
"Yes, I understand."
She dropped the phone back into the bag, which she lifted as she stood smoothly. She walked past him without a word. She had already been angry with him for some reason, and her catching him like this probably did not help, he decided. But he could not go after her. If he caught up to her, what would he say?
The long walk back to NERV gave him more than enough time to consider just how things had changed. Or rather, how his knowledge of things had changed. We can go back in time. Probably to any point, as long as I've got a mental image of it, he decided. I guess that rules out going forward, since I don't know the future. His first instinct was to talk to Rei about it, then he remembered that she probably wasn't really on speaking terms with him for the moment.
I've got to apologize to her, but how? It had always been so easy to apologize to Asuka, and to anyone else, but somehow Rei was different. She didn't get hot-and-bothered like Asuka, and fly into a rage. Apologies always infuriated the red-head, but in the end she always settled down, eventually. Rei, however, simply got cold and refused to talk. Saying 'sorry' was like talking to a brick wall.
For Shinji, the tension in the temporary camp was almost physical. Ritsuko did not have to scold him about being inattentive, and every moment he expected to feel the mental intrusion of the Angel down in the city below, or perhaps feel the real pain of its particle beam. Actually I don't know for sure if it can quickly switch between the two attacks. Now that I think about it, every attack so far has been mental, even that first one. Which is probably why they didn't have to put me in the critical care unit. He continued to help with the setup, noting with dark amusement that Rei never strayed far from where she had laid the shield.
By the time everything was set up, night had fallen, and still the Angel had not attacked. He and Rei sat on the scaffolding next to their Evas, staring at the Angel in the distance as it continued boring its way into the ground.
"Where should we go if we die this time?" He wondered aloud. She did not answer, and he decided she had not heard him. Half a minute later she spoke.
"To a week ago."
"Oh?" he responded carefully.
"Your training will continue until we beat this Angel."
"Ah..." He was relieved she still remained willing to train with him. "You..." He tried and failed to think of a good way to ask. "You were doing something, back in the forest." She did not dispute his rather broad statement, and his cheeks reddened. "When I woke up earlier this morning, you asked me to train with you," he said, mustering up his courage. He was met by more cold silence. "...eh, you didn't put any constraints on that invitation." She might as well have been a statue, but somehow he pressed on. "Rei, will you train me in whatever it was you were-"
"...yes."
He glanced over to see her lips curved slightly in a smile. She was enjoying that. He shivered at the purely evil aura that seemed to radiate from her for just a brief moment. At least it allowed him to file her with the substantial portion of humanity that liked their revenge served cold.
"It's time." She stood and turned towards her Eva.
Very cold, he decided, uttering a pained grunt as he stood. Should've gone back to before I sprained my foot this morning, he thought with a sigh. He pondered briefly whether asking her to have Section Two kill him would improve her mood
Sitting in the entry plug, staring at the Angel in the distance calmly boring its way ever downwards, Shinji knew he would be sweating up a storm were it not for the LCL, invisible though it was now that it had been charged.
"Commencing operation!" Lieutenant Hyuga's voice was tense and professional.
"Listen Shinji, we're entrusting you with the energy of the entire nation of Japan! I'm counting on you..."
Yeah, yeah, hurry up and send the power already... He fidgeted as she continued her spiel and the technicians slowly plodded their way through the necessary status reports. He watched and waited, his finger on the trigger as the connections continued. Alright, almost, almost... He saw something glint off one of the Angel's diamond edges and nearly had an embolism before he realized it must have been a reflection. Or something. What makes the bottom glow like that? He was still wondering, when the lock tone sounded and he reflexively jerked the trigger. A dazzling burst of light shot downrange, going in one side of the Angel and out the other, setting it afire.
"Huh..." He relaxed muscle by muscle as the cheers washed over him and through the entry plug. Is it really over? Did I really beat it this easily? He wondered briefly whether the Angel was in his mind, convincing him he had won so it could continue drilling down. Ha. He grimaced at the useless thought. It's not like I could ever know for sure, if it really comes down to that, and I have to question everything. He leaned his head back against the headrest, considering how the Angel's death changed things. Rei. Was she still mad? I have to do something, but what? What should I do, mother? As usual, his mother remained silent, except for a hint of amusement mixed with the usual feeling of sadness/encouragement he felt from her after a successful battle. But what about Rei? He flailed his tired brain, trying to remember her schedule. It would undoubtedly remain the same since they had finally defeated the Angel in much the same way they had originally. That's right, she does have NERV work tonight, and I'm off. Perfect.
Later that night he pulled open the apartment door to find Rei loading the washing machine. She dropped the pair of shorts she had been holding. His shorts, he realized. Her cheeks had gone pink. Crap.
"What's this, Shinji?" She had drifted over to where he was standing, and her aura had gone dangerous again.
"It's a caryopteris," he said, reading his doom in the glint in her eye as she bent over to sniff the small bluish-purple flowers on the plant he was holding.
"Why did you acquire it?" she asked, looking up at him expectantly.
"To give to you." He sweated furiously as she verbally backed him into a corner and calmly prepared to finish him off. He did not know if she played chess, but he resolved never to play with her if she did.
"For what purpose?"
"-um..." He still could not tell her about her plant's imminent death. That much was obvious. He could not tell her this was the replacement. "You know, I've never properly thanked you for letting me stay here, and-"
"Are you sure that is the reason?" Her eyes were apparently magnetized, because he found himself unable to look away. After a few seconds of psychic torture, he folded like a wet paper sack.
"Alright! Maybe I'm not completely sure why I got it," he blurted out. "I saw your iris, and I guess... um, what I mean to say is-"
Her eyes narrowed as she measured the his words and actions, but she finally relented.
"When you discover why you got me the flower, please be sure to let me know." Her hands brushed against his as she slipped the flower pot from his grasp and turned to walk away.
"-ah... yeah..." Then it dawned on him what she meant, and what flowers usually represented when given as a present to a girl.
Rei, I like you. Was it true? He was certainly enjoying her company more than living alone. She didn't tease him like Misato, and she wasn't as turbulent as Asuka. Rei, I've always liked you. Probably closer to the truth, but it made him queasy inside to even think about telling her that. He closed his eyes, putting a hand on the cold metal of the washer, steadying himself physically and mentally.
I like her. The image of her sleeping at night rose in his mind, her expression soft, her hair moving gently with the air-conditioning. I like her, he repeated, as if to convince himself of the fact, but this time the image that invaded his consciousness was of her giant white form billowing up through the clouds, reaching for him. Reaching into his mind. Always reaching. He drew a shuddering breath, forcing his hand to unclench itself.
It didn't matter. No matter how many times he said it in his mind, the words never made it out of his mouth.
"...please be sure to let me know."
Did that mean she already knew?
Maybe I don't have to tell her, then.
Coward, his demon taunted.
Yes, I'm a coward. But at least I can admit that to myself. His demon apparently had no reply for that.
"I have not finished loading the wash," Rei's voice drifted back to where he stood. "And I still require a shower."
"Yeah, I'll finish loading it for you," he called out, relieving her of the need to actually come out and ask.. He stepped over to the washing machine, and that was when he saw what part she had left for him to load.
Never again. I swear I'll never get her mad again...