Chapter 1: Already Forgotten

"We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves."

~François Duc de La Rochefoucauld ~

Anger.

It was his guiding light.

A mask. A way to hide.

It protected him from hurt, from pain, from others.

And yet, he feared this anger more than anything.

He feared the very mask he wore.

For it was now a part of him.

He was a protector. A guardian. A brother.

And in the end he even failed at that...

Why?

Why did he let his guard drop?

Why did he let his very walls fall?

Why did he let him see who he was inside?

A promise broken.

A brother in turmoil.

And that anger...

It turned against him.

Consuming him, eating him, destroying him...

Anger to hate. Hate to despair. Despair to pain.

The lingering thought –

Everything was his fault.

The rain fell around him. But he did not feel it. He did not feel the sting of his cuts, the soreness of his bruises. He did not feel the lingering aches of his actions the night before. All he could feel was that burning anger – directed at none other than himself.

Everything had happened in mere moments. Leo had acted quickly, grabbing Donnie's bag nearby, pressing the bandages against the wound –the wound that Leo had blocked from his own view. The wound that should have been his own. He had no idea how bad it was. But he had a lingering suspicion that it was not good...

Golden eyes looked up from hiding within his own knees, watching the rain pour around him as the sounds of New York City at night echoed. A siren, someone shouting at the place across from him, laughter and music playing too loudly, and the cling of water against the rain shutters. Normally these noises would make him feel at peace, at home. But instead each noise fell upon empty ears, empty feelings.

Below him, a few floors down in the apartment number known as 213 – April, Leatherhead, and Mikey were rushing about trying to save Donnie during his fight for his life. Normally it would have been Leo given the task of rushing about to collect bandages, water, a sewing kit, alcohol and so on. But Leo had given the task to Mikey to keep the youngest busy. Case was out on a run for some more medical material. Master Splinter was on his way. Leo was waiting outside the door of the bedroom, waiting for April to come out and say everything will be fine...

But he...after getting tossed out of the room saying he was more in the way then helping, Raphael had escaped to the roof. Not daring to face Leo. Not daring to face his family.

How could he? Raphael knew what had happened...he knew he was distracted. He knew he had been absorbed into those beautiful pools of golden brown. Drawn into a world where they could kiss without fear, a world where their love was not some sort of sin. Raph knew normally he would not have let that foot ninja get to close to him, normally he would have reacted faster, normally Don would not have to dive in and take the blow for him.

But...those eyes...

He punched the ground underneath him for the hundredth time since he been up here. Replaying the scene over and over again in his mind like a broken record – olive green, blood, bow staff, the slink sound of a sword cutting through flesh, black and silver – his mind was unable to sort through the noises and colours unable to understand what had happened except for the one fact, Don had taken a blow for him. At that moment, when he had twirled around his heart had stopped, his mind froze, and his body had grown cold and time itself froze.

The sound of a door opening did not cause Raphael to move, he knew without looking it was Leo. Just the way he walked in almost utter silence. Leonardo had a gentle grace to his steps, Michelangelo himself would widely claim his entrance as if he was a movie star, and while Donnie – some part of his mind wished whoever visit him made some noise because that meant it was Don.

Leo was the last being he wanted to talk to...

"Raph you're going to catch a cold..." Leo stated in that matter of fact tone. The kind of tone that would secretly send shivers throughout his body.

Raphael drew his hands so that they were hidden within his knees, "don't care." He answered. The rain around him seemed to stop falling, looking up he glanced at Leo holding an umbrella over his brother.

"Raph we need to talk about this, you been up here for hours..."

Had it really been hours? He tried to think of the time that had passed and realize he was not sure anymore. His mind just kept going in circles the same thought running through his head no matter what route he headed. Just like the strings of fate – it always landed at a certain point –

Leo had shuffled behind him taking a seat while holding the umbrella over them, "Don is alright." That managed to get Raphael to look at his brother, eyes questioning Leo. "April and Leatherhead said he should be fine, we have to keep him under observation for any signs of infection. He is definitely going to be bedridden for awhile..."

"He's gonna hate that..." Raph grumbled, turning away from Leo. He studied the way the drops of rain splattered on the roof, each drop made its own splash in a unique and different pattern each time. "It should've been me..."

"If it was you, you would be missing a head Raph, Don just did what you always do for us..."

"NO!" Raph growled now, shaking his head. "We both know why this happen Leo! We both know what caused this, so stop frigin beating around the bush and give me the fuckin lecture already!"

There was more silence, and Raph had become more aware of how cold he was. He grew aware of his bruises and the sting of his cuts, and fuck did his hands ever hurt...he wanted Leo to lift that umbrella again; at least the rain falling on him distracted him from everything.

"You were distracted Raph, you had forgotten you were in battle when you saw me. I said this would happen and yet...yet you still broke the promise."

"And what Leo? You expected me to forget about that night! We had sex! Okay, I don't think it is something so easily forgotten!"

"Raphael! I need you to forget alright!"

"How can I forget Leo? How can I forget how I felt? How can I forget what we shared during that night? How can I forget any of it! I gave myself to you!"

Raph did not know when they had started standing, or when they actually begun facing each other. The umbrella was on the roof forgotten. "One night Raph! One night of letting ourselves surrender to our bodies that was all it was suppose to be."

"Surrender to our bodies..." Raph whispered now, eyes narrowing. "That was what it was to you? Just giving into instincts!"

"Raph it was just two brothers who needed to relieve sexual tension that all it ever was."

"Oh? Is that so fearless!" It couldn't be, Raph wanted to cry, to scream, to yell at Leo... it hurt too much hearing this words...

An ache he couldn't form words to describe yet...

"Yes Raph, please I need you to not be distracted anymore. I said one night and we would forget."

"Okay, so what you're saying you weren't distracted either? You're saying that you have already forgotten!"

Leo had turned his shell facing Raph, eyes staring at the door that would lead back into the warmth of the building. "Yes." There was no crack in his voice, no movement of his shoulders. His tone neutral, cold, distant, uncaring... "I already have forgotten."

He bended down to pick up the umbrella, "until you can fight without distraction, me and Master Splinter have agreed. You are no longer allowed up on the surface Raphael, you are no longer allowed on patrols..." With that Leo had left.

Raphael stood there, the rain continuing to pour. But he no longer cared about the pain, the rain...all he could think about was Leo's words. "I already have forgotten."

He felt used. Toss aside. Just some sort of one-night stand.

After all what was he thinking? There was no way Leo would love him that way. There was no way they could have a relationship. After all, who would love a rash hot-headed foul-mouth turtle like himself? Heck, he even hated himself.

The words finally came. He was finally able to describe the pain he was feeling. It was greater than the panic he felt when Donnie was hurt. It was greater than any wound he ever obtained during a fight. Even much greater pain when they were young and Mikey would yell he hated him and run off to cry to Leo or Don. No...Nothing could compare to what he was feeling.

Heartbreak. It was a terrible feeling.

As you can tell this is a story that switches perspectives, Mikey's is next ^^ Please review and comment ^^ 33