Chapter 5 – A month in a day

Pre-read by Fanf1cFan

A small red-clad form sat shivering in the darkened entry plug, nearly fetal as she hugged her legs to her chest.

"This piece of junk won't move," she murmured, her voice very near to a strangled whisper. There was no one to hear, but this did not seem to matter. Or maybe everyone heard, and that was the problem. She, Asuka Langley Soryu, was no longer an Eva pilot. An Eva pilot, by definition, had to be able to pilot an Eva, and she obviously could not. Not any more.

"If your heart is closed, Eva will not move." Rei's calm voice whispered through her mind.

"Scheisse!" Her hand smashed down on the pistol-grip controller to her right, which flexed under the assault. Why do I have to hear that from you of all people? She had trained in the Eva ever since she was a child, and knew everything there was to know about them. She knew better than anyone the kind of mental clarity needed to pilot to the best of one's abilities. It's that Idiot's fault. He was always there, showing her up. He acted embarrassed on the outside, but she had seen his smug grin whenever he was praised. He lived for praise, and would crush anyone who stood between him and a simple 'good doggie.' He knew how important concentration was, and a clear state of mind, and he was always there, ruining hers. Stomping her into the ground. After assuring himself that the First wasn't a threat, he had been able to focus all his attention on her.

It's not fair! She squeezed her arms tighter around her legs, closing her eyes and shutting away the outside world. No one ever thinks about me. No one ever protects me. I hate all of them!

A stubborn memory rose in her mind, of her dying Unit drifting deeper into the volcano. A sudden abrupt stop. She remembered looking up to find Unit-01's grinning visage, the end of the frayed cable in its fist as it held her, keeping her from falling. In the comm box on her display, Shinji's face wore a confident smile, and the care in his eyes was obvious.

Why couldn't he have stayed like that? Why didn't he keep protecting me? Why didn't he stay by me? Wetness gathered in her eyes and she brutally forced the sorrow back down.

"Did you ask him?" Rei's quiet voice moved through her mind like a scalpel.

"I shouldn't have had to! The guy's a freaking carebear!"

"Why did you not ask?"

"Why should I have had to??" Her voice was one of barely restrained desperation. "I don't want anything from that scheissekoph! I don't need anything from him! I hate him!"

"Because you hate yourself."

"I was right there," her voice fell to a whisper. "Why didn't he look at me? He never once looked me full in the eyes. Whenever he faced me, I always saw all the other people he worried about leering at me."

"Why did you not ask?"

"Because it would have made me look weak. Why couldn't he have seen that? He's the man, he should've-"

"You should have asked." The words played over her, but she was no longer listening. She was rocking back and forth, muttering.

"Weak. I'm weak, and I hate myself. Everyone else is weak too," she murmured slowly, as if just realizing it. "And I hate them for it. Everyone should just die. I should just die..."

"Then what is your heart for?"

"He's never going to understand me, so there's no point in even existing."

"Then why are you still here?"

"Why am I..." She looked up slowly, the sorrow on her face giving way to thoughtfulness. "Why are you here?" she asked quietly. "It's like you're trying to help me with something, or-"

"While there is life, there is hope."

"Why are you the only one who is still by me?"

"While there is will, there is a way of return."

"You're not even a person, are you?" Rei seemed to be ignoring her, and she didn't expect an answer.

"No, I am not." Asuka's eyes widened. "But you are. And he is."

"How is it," Asuka began, trying to keep her voice from breaking as Rei drifted closer. "That the only one still by me isn't even human?"

"Does it matter what I am?" She reached out her arms, offering. Asuka fell forward into her embrace, clinging to her as she desperately suppressed her tears.

"Why?" She sniffled. "Why couldn't I have told him?"

Rei slowly enfolded the girl in a hug, closing her eyes, her lips turning up slightly as the girl began to liquefy, her body losing cohesion in the LCL.

The silence of the dark room was split by an explosive gasp as Asuka sprang up, her hand over her chest as she got her breathing under control. Sweat dripped down through her soaked nightgown and sheets, but she did not feel it. She reached over a shaking hand and turned on the lamp by her bedside, then reached over for the electronic clock, fumbling as it clattered to the floor.

"Scheisse...!" scrambling out of the sweat-slick covers she fell to the floor in her haste to get to the life-line that had slipped from her grasp. Picking it up in shaking hands, she read it once, then reread it again, and again. After assuring herself that it actually said what it said, she rose unsteadily to her feet, staggering to the door. Hesitant steps took her down the hall, until a slow walk became a jog, then a run. She did not hear the voices of two technicians just getting off the night-shift, discussing the mundane details of life at the German branch of NERV. One of them happened to see the blur of red coming down the hall and dodged to one side. The other froze, and then was knocked to one side by the sudden impact, hitting his head against the wall. Asuka didn't even slow, and the technician mumbled incoherently before slumping to the floor unconscious.

She slammed through the final set of double doors keeping her from her destination and ran across the cavernous bay, slowing to a halt at a railing that overlooked a yawning man-made chasm full of purple fluid. She sank to her knees, breathing hard as she gazed at the crimson giant before her, assuring herself of its solidity, its reality. Her Unit was whole, not torn to pieces, lying in a pool of its own blood.

Every night, that same damn dream. She closed her eyes, bringing to mind the clock face back in her room. At least it was still the proper day and time. She could never be sure, not after what she had been through, and the way things kept jumping around. Even if it never happened again, she would always keep a clock within arms reach. Always. Standing, she retraced her footsteps, again dropping into a run, desperate to return to her life-line. It wouldn't help, of course, if things changed again, but at least she would know.

Japan

The horizon was a brilliant orange, promising a beautiful sunrise in the near future. The apartment was semi-dark, but she could see all too clearly the brown crinkly death that was overtaking her iris. One corner of the flower still bore a touch of blue, but it would soon be gone. The previous night all had seemed normal, though she had been uneasy at the stiffness she felt when she touched the petals, but when she had risen in the early morning to relieve her bladder, the sight of the now-visibly dying plant had brought her return to bed to an abrupt halt. She had not gone back to sleep, instead she had slowly sunk down to sit on the bed and stare at the nearly-dead flower, and its mate that Shinji had acquired for her.

Why the difference? I gave them both the same amount of care. One was thriving, the other was not. Her eyes drifted over to the packets of medicine on the rolling medical table she used for a bedside table. The flowers gave an uncomfortable parallel to her and Shinji. Like her iris, she was slowly dying. Ritsuko's prescriptions and medical skills were what had kept her alive just long enough to accomplish Third Impact. She considered Shinji's resting form, the slow intake and release of breath, the rise and fall of his chest. When he was asleep, he almost looked happy.

He knew of this, she realized. Probably the day I showed him the flower. She had noted his hesitance, but at the time could not find the reason behind it. He knew, which is why he gave me the caryopteris. Finally understanding the truth only deepened her sense of melancholy. He did not give the flower to me as part of the usual ritualistic gift-giving between boyfriend and girlfriend. Why did he not explain this? She knew the answer to that, having seen it during their last Angel fight. Faced with pain, and having a way out, he had done his best to retreat. Here he had been more successful than during the battle with the Angel. He had chosen to avoid the pain of having to tell her. She tried to summon anger, both at his lack of courage and for unconsciously toying with her feelings, but found she could not. I have hidden things from him as well. Eventually he must find out about my medical condition, and it should not be in the same way I have found out about the dying flower. Despite that, she saw with perfect clarity the awful choice before her, and the similarities to his own problem forced her to drop the last vestiges of disappointment she felt against him.

I must tell him, but I cannot, she realized sorrowfully. To tell him would be to remind him of what I am. I would risk further alienation. I can only hope that, as I now understand his reasoning, he eventually understands mine. She reached over, running a hand through his dark hair, enjoying the soft sensation against her fingers. He stirred, mumbling incoherently for a moment before sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

"It's time," she said simply, and his yawn abruptly died.

"-oh. Today's the day, isn't it?" A renewed vigor entered his still-tired eyes. He reached up to smooth the hair she had ruffled, grinning until he noticed her guarded expression as she stared towards the window. "What... um, is something wrong?"

She glanced back at him, smiling softly. "Thank you."

"For what...?" Then he happened to see where she had been looking, and his face fell. "-oh."

"Thank you for thinking of me, in your own way."

"I..." he lowered his eyes, both uncomfortable and at the same time relieved now that the truth was in the open. There was a lesson there, but he had a hard time placing it. "-um, I didn't know how to tell you."

"I understand."

"You... you do?"

More than you know.

He looked up to her face, obviously having expected her usual wit, subtle but sharp, as punishment for his lack of courage. His relief was such that he missed the undercurrent of sadness in her expression.

"-ah, we can do this some other time, if you don't feel up to it..."

"Today is the optimal day," she reminded him. "School is out."

He nodded, slipping out of bed and grabbing a pair of sweat-pants and a t-shirt. Rei already wore a pair of light-blue loose-fitting pants and a matching colored t-shirt. She drifted over to the mirror hanging on the wall, running a brush through her still-unruly hair as he went to the bathroom to change.

Half an hour and a quiet train-ride later, they were walking through the forests of the Geofront. The early morning sun played through the trees, illuminating the spot she chose.

"This place will be acceptable," she said, looking around. Shinji set down their shared gym-bag which held packed lunches for the both of them, along with changes of clothes, and towels. She watched with interest as he walked around her in a semicircle, finally coming to a stop and just looking, as if memorizing her features. She looked behind her at where the sun shone down through the trees, and then back at Shinji. She felt her cheeks burn at the attention he was giving her.

"If we're going to come back to this place in time, I have to have a clear memory," he explained.

"Ah." The moment stretched itself out until he finally cleared his throat nervously.

"So... I'm in your hands. Sensei..."

"I would prefer to be seen as a partner rather than a teacher."

"Oh. Umm..." She watched as he blushed furiously, probably at the multiple meanings her statement could have had.

"Try to relax," she said, hiding a smile at his distress. "No one will disturb us, and if they did, they would lose their memory at the next reset."

"Sorry," the reflexive apology rolled off his tongue as he scratched the back of his head, his eyes wandering about before finally coming back to rest on hers. "I guess I'm ready when you are."

Germany

What used to be Peenemunde was now effectively a massive armored bulkhead the size of a city. Underneath this were the facilities of the German branch of NERV. That the Japanese would build something so extravagant as a transforming city basically cemented their reputation as a nation of otakus to the rest of the world, or at least what was left of it following Second Impact. The Germans were not nearly so flashy a people, and had opted to build all their facilities underground beneath permanent armor. Except for periodic access tunnels to the surface and four entry point large enough to accommodate an Eva, the armor was solid. Beneath this armor many levels down, two individuals walked along one of the many corridors. Given that the young lady had felt quite close to the gentleman in another life-time, one might have expected her to take advantage of the situation with him this time around, but one would be wrong.

"So, you've got everything packed, right?" Kaji's jovial voice rang through the unfurnished spartan corridor.

"Of course I've got everything packed." Asuka's voice was almost sullen, her expression hard. "What do you think I've been doing the past few days?" Besides slowly losing my sanity. It had been nearly a week since her last activation test with Unit-02, and there would not be another until she got to Japan. And Shinji. I'll kill him. "At least once," she muttered.

"Hey, no need to get snippy," he raised his hands in surrender, chuckling at her unusual moodiness. She ignored him, considering the past month. It had been nearly two weeks since the last time shift, but there was no reason to think they'd stop when she got to Japan. With any luck she'd be able to kill quite a few people she had come to blame for her present circumstances. Including that bastard Gendo.

"Well, I'm afraid this is where we part ways." He had put his hands in his pockets and was giving her his damnably cool "I'll miss you" look. She knew that one rather well, and knew his mannerisms inside and out by now. Whenever she acted cold, he would become warm and try to get closer, and whenever she acted warm to him, he would withdraw and become aloof. It was enough to make her scream, though she figured it was part of his appeal, at least to women who didn't know him.

"Yeah, whatever," she said airily, waving her hand nonchalantly as she turned towards the door at the end of the short corridor. Good riddance, you Misato-loving freak. She had to suppress the words, though she wondered briefly what his response would be if she actually said it. It doesn't matter. She set her mouth. The only thing that mattered was the upcoming harmonics test. It wasn't as good as a full activation, but it would have to do until she got to Japan. The harmonics test, and her upcoming battle out at sea, those were the only two things that mattered. She reached for the handle, opening the door with a click as she entered the German equivalent of Central Dogma.

"Herr Poul, I had a question-" The door stopped abruptly and she slammed into it, stumbling back a few paces before catching herself, her arms half-raised in a defensive posture as she blinked away stars. A muttered oath came from the other room as the door slowly swung open to show a young technician of about twenty-five years old clutching his nose.

"-jeez, watch where you're going why don't you...!" She rubbed her forehead in frustration as the man's eyes widened.

"I-I'm sorry, Ms. Soryu, I didn't mean to-"

"Never mind." She pushed past him, trying to ignore how Shinji-like the apology sounded. "I've got a few things I need to talk to you about concerning Unit-02."

"Of course!" The man grabbed a clipboard and followed her.

Japan

Shinji sat beside Rei, his legs folded underneath him, matching her posture. The view from the area of the forest she had chosen could almost make one believe one was not enclosed in a giant egg. The massive NERV pyramid was hidden by several low hills in the distance, yet they were far enough from the edges of the Geofront itself that the camouflage and sky effect was still intact, making it seem as if they were in a secluded woods in some rural part of the world.

"Since most of the exercises and forms we will be doing contain an energetic component, it is my hope that what you learn will be carried over each time we reset." Something about the way Rei spoke reminded Shinji of when she had rebuffed him earlier in the month.

"That doesn't sound like what you said earlier," he suggested uneasily. "I mean, I don't want to sound ungrateful or anything," he hastily added. She glanced at him for a moment before facing forward again.

"I apologize. What I said then was true, but deceptive all the same. You will recall that I said that practicing gymnastics would prove fruitless over the resets, since the flexibility and strength gained throughout a day of working out would be lost the next time you reset back to the beginning."

He nodded slowly. "I see. So physical training would be wasted. But isn't martial arts physical? What did you mean by 'energetic component'?"

"I mean the essence of life. Chi is one word used to describe it."

Shinji was quiet as he digested that. He had read a few articles about internal martial arts, but not in any kind of detail.

"Is... does that have anything to do with the AT-field?"

"I do not think so," she answered slowly, glancing at him again. "It is a good question."

He had more questions, but did not want to ask them, or to be more precise, he feared the answers he might get. After a few moments of silence, he felt the subtle shift in mood as she began to teach.

"We will begin with breathing exercises," she said. "We will start each day with the exercises I am about to show you."

As she taught him postures and movements, it very quickly became overwhelming. Each movement had to be done either on an inhalation or exhalation, and there were specific visualizations and feelings for each motion. At first he worried that he would never be able to remember them all, or keep them synchronized, but she was always there, correcting him if he made a mistake. She seemed to be almost precognitive in reminding him about a certain visualization, or to give more emphasis to a certain feeling. By the end of the day, when they both sat again in the same spot in which they had begun they day, his body felt more alive and open than it had ever felt before.

"Where did you learn all this?" he asked, still in awe of what he had experienced that day, and knowing, somehow, that things had only just begun, that he had only scratched the surface of what she knew.

"My Master taught me," she replied simply.

"Your... Master?" He saw her eyebrow twitch slightly at his vague echo of her words. He knew she disliked when he did that, but he was too stunned to formulate a more detailed question.

"The Commander led me to a room one day, and in it was a man," she explained, having mercy. "Quite old, and short. He was about as tall as I am now. From that day on, for the next five years, he taught me."

"-um, I see. What... what was his name?"

"It was unimportant, so I did not inquire."

"Ah." After a few confused moments, he continued. "What's this art called?"

"I never asked."

He did not quite know what to make of that. I guess she really didn't ask all that many questions when it came to my father's instructions.

"So what do we do now?" he asked.

"Now we meditate," she answered, closing her eyes. "Sit comfortably, but with your spine straight. Contemplate what we did today. One hour will be sufficient."

The myriad movements and feelings swirled through his head, sometimes jumbling together, and he wondered if he would even remember any of it by the next day. Well, the next 'day' starts in an hour, so I guess that's better than sleeping and forgetting. Sooner than he expected, he heard the rustle of movement that indicated she was pulling her cell-phone from their gym bag. He opened his eyes to see her put the phone to her ear and summon a Section Two agent. Being inside the Geofront meant there was not a permanent escort, since NERV headquarters was considered secure. Shinji had plenty of time to ponder his imminent demise.

Germany

The cavernous Eva bay was mostly dark, but there was enough light for Asuka to see the readout of her clock, which she held in her hands as she sat with her back against a wall, staring at her Eva. Still almost an hour until the harmonics test. She took comfort from the familiar constriction of her plug-suit, putting the clock down with a sigh. Her plug-suit had a built-in chronometer, but her visceral, somewhat illogical need for something to grasp was unsatisfied with that. She glanced up into Unit-02's sullen eyes.

"Only you," she murmured softly. "You were the only one who always stood by me, who always protected me." A chuckle rasped its way past her lips. "You know, I always hated you. For leaving me, and killing yourself. For never looking at me. But..." She cleared her throat of the lump that had formed. "You're the only one who's with me now, so I guess it all worked out."

Every time she was shifted back into the past, the people around her seemed to forget. The only one who she knew always remembered was her mother. She had been through multiple activation tests between time-shifts, and each time her mother's presence felt different. At first it had been anxious, but lately it had been a lot more calm. She closed her eyes, releasing a shuddering breath. Seconds later, a gunshot sounded halfway across the world in Japan, and the room seemed to turn inside out. A sudden impact jarred her body, and she stumbled back, blinking as she recognized her surroundings, and the muffled curse a few yards ahead of her. The door opened to reveal Poul.

"Oh! Ms. Soryu, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were there..."

After a few moments her brain re-engaged, and she brushed by the bewildered tech, who watched her in puzzlement, then turned to go get his coffee, which was what he had been planning to do all along. Asuka sank into a chair.

Time shift.

She had to resist the urge to run and find her clock. There was no need since she knew exactly when she was. Oh, that's right, I came to talk to Poul about Unit-02. There was nothing to do but wait for him to return. She had no choice but to have the conversation over, because she had no way of knowing when or even if she would shift again. She left for Japan the next day, and everything had to be perfect if she was to win the upcoming battle on her own.

Japan

The morning sun laid complex patterns of light onto the forest floor, and played over the gently moving fringes of Rei's hair, brightening her pale features. They had successfully returned to the proper place in time.

"It worked." He could feel a relieved grin tug at the corners of his mouth, and saw the answering warmth in her eyes.

"Yes." After a moment of contemplation, she turned, and seemed to think for a moment, as if deciding on a direction. Turning slightly, she sat cross-legged. Moving to sit beside her, he noticed she wasn't quite sitting cross-legged after all. "Sit as if you were sitting cross-legged, but place one leg atop the other so that they are both flat and parallel to the ground." He complied, mimicking her position, and she shook her head. "Switch your legs. Males sit with the left leg on top, females with the right," she explained, noticing his confusion. "Today we will add a physical component to the breathing exercise we use to warm up."

"Okay..."

"Put your hands out in front of you, as if you were holding a ball between them." He followed her instructions, and her movements. "Continuing the breathing exercises we did yesterday, imagine that there is a pulsing ball of light between your hands, pushing them apart when you breathe in, and pulling them together when you breathe out. Do not force the movement," she continued. "And do not exaggerate. Allow it to happen naturally."

He nodded, closing his eyes.

Germany

The shadows of the Eva bay seemed to taunt her while she waited. As she moved ever closer to the moment when the previous time-jump had occurred, her unease grew. As before, she was in the Eva bay in her plug-suit, prepared for the upcoming harmonics test. She watched the moments tick down, finally going past the hour and minute of the time-shift. One minute ticked by, then another, and she was just setting the clock aside with a sigh of relief when the world shifted, and she ran into a very familiar and infuriating door.

"Schiesse!" She recovered her balance and pushed past Poul, who was hurriedly apologizing, then snagged his arm before he could make an escape. "Oh no you don't," she snapped, "You're coming with me first. All I want you to do is listen, got it? None of your usual stupid questions, I know exactly what I want. Nod if you understand." The hapless tech nodded, his eyes wide.

Japan

The slight breeze through the trees caused the afternoon patterns of sunlight to dance along the ground hypnotically. To Shinji, the moving shapes seemed to follow the patterns of the short-form kata the two of them were performing. Or perhaps he had adjusted his rhythm to the pattern.

"You may change the tempo if you wish, but this particular movement should be done with an expanding feeling, as if it is your aura pushing the opponent away, not your strength." He adjusted himself at her words, careful not to break up the dance further. "It is fine to improvise, but be sure that everything flows together, the breath, the movements, and the feeling," she reminded him. "You must not change just one or two parts, the entire dance must change."

Germany

As the anticipated time-shift grew closer, Asuka stood to her feet, readying herself. When it happened, whatever stance she was in would be lost, of course, but perhaps if she was closer to the way she had been standing when she hit the door, she'd have a chance to catch herself.

I can do this, she told herself. The last couple of times there's been a fraction of a second's difference, enough time to stop my momentum-

This time she seemed to jump earlier than before, and there was no shock of impact. But the pain was still there, along with the echo of a muffled thump on the other side of the door. This time I must've shifted back to just after hitting the door, she thought with a grimace, rubbing her head as Poul stumbled over himself in his apologies.

"Go," she muttered through clenched teeth. "Just go. Do... whatever it was you were going to do, then get back here."

"Coffee," he mumbled. "I was going to get-"

"I don't care!"

Asuka waited, brooding, as the clock ticked its way closer to the appointed time. She stood a good five minutes before the jump was to take place, and waited. After seven minutes she folded her arms, thinking deep angry thoughts at whoever or whatever was behind her misery.

Japan

Shinji sneezed, interrupting his meditation. Rei looked up in surprise.

"Allergies?" He wondered aloud, seeing the question in her eyes.

"They did not bother you the past three days we have been here."

"...huh."

"It does not matter," she continued, pulling her cell-phone from the bag to summon Shinji's executioner. "It was nearly time anyway."

Germany

Asuka ran headlong into the door, then turned and gave it a vicious kick.

"Moron!" she yelled, shoving her way into the room and nearly tripping over Poul's prone form cowering on the floor. "What made you decide to get coffee now of all times, huh??"

"-b-but Ms. Soryu, this is the time I usually step out to get coffee," the confused man stammered. "I'm-I'm flattered you know my schedule, but-"

She picked him up and nearly flung him bodily out the door.

"Just go!"

After going over her instructions with Poul yet again, she was back in her room, fuming. This isn't random, she told herself. It was the third time she had been sent back to the exact same point in time. Or very nearly the exact same point.

"Close enough that there's never time to stop myself," she muttered darkly. Someone, or something, is controlling this, she admitted to herself. It was the only possibility. Probably the same entity that had been in control during that hell-on-earth that had followed her last disastrous battle. The one in which that Idiot showed up late. Like always. Without me there in the mornings, he'd probably never even have made it to school.

"You know what? Screw it..." She walked over to her dresser, picked up her cell-phone, and punched in Shinji's number. Putting the phone to her ear, she was surprised to hear a low male voice answer. "Wrong number," she murmured, looking at the number a second time before ending the call. She set the phone down, going through all the possible causes of Shinji's number being different this time around.

I probably stepped on a butterfly or something. She chuckled darkly, picking her phone back up and calling Misato. The woman picked up after several rings with her usual cheery voice.

"Hey, Misato here, what's up?"

"Hi Misato, it's been a while, right?"

"Omigawd, Asuka, is that you?!"

Asuka gave half a mind to the small talk, eventually winding the conversation around to a suitable point where she could ask her question.

"So, what's the phone number of the other pilot, Ikari, right?"

"What, you interested in him already?" Even having prepared for it, the woman's needling tone raised her ire. "I'm afraid he's already got a girlfriend, and she's-"

"Look, cut the crap, okay, I'm having a bad day!" Understatement of the year. "Just give me the number, alright?"

"Spoilsport," Misato sniped, then gave her the number. "See you in a few weeks!"

"Yeah." Whenever that is. She hung up, immediately dialing the number Misato had given her. She was not terribly surprised to find the number out-of-service/unavailable.

Figures.

Japan

The two Children sat in the forest, side by side, cross-legged as they meditated using the ball-holding exercise.

"This... it's really weird." Shinji's vague utterances grated on her, but she pushed aside the feelings. He was experiencing something unique, that very few people had a chance to take part in, so she would allow him his foibles. At least for now. She patiently waited for him to continue. "I can feel it. It really feels like I'm holding..." he paused, searching for the right words. "...well, like a bubble, or something." Warmth spread through her at those words, and she opened her eyes, dropping her posture.

"That's good," she said. He looked over at her as he lowered his hands, wonder on his face.

"I didn't feel it at the beginning," he explained, guilt written on his features. "I lied about it, because I didn't want to let you down."

"I knew," she admitted.

"Oh." He looked down, studying his hands. "But to feel something now, what does it mean?" he asked, looking up again.

"It means there is hope," she replied simply. "It means that these exercises are not useless after all," she explained, seeing his confusion. "What you gain from them carries over each time we reset." It means we can continue.

Germany

Thump.

Asuka winced, trying to ignore Poul's apologies, and think of some way to contact Shinji. If he did not remember, that was one thing, but if he did... Well, better not to think about that for now. I'll deal with it after I get ahold of him.

Which was turning out to be much harder than it seemed at first. She tried throughout the day, but his phone remained off all the way through to the very end.

Germany (yet again)

Thump.

She tried to roust Misato and get her to find Shinji, but the damnably lazy woman apparently could not be bothered.

"Oh Asuka, I'm sure he's around here somewhere. Section Two says he checked into the Geofront earlier today." The woman gave such a long and tired-sounding yawn that she found herself yawning in sympathy. "Look, you'll be here in a few weeks, you can get your hot little hands on him then-" Asuka hung up.

I'll get my hands on him, alright. I swear, even if he's not involved in this, I'll kill him. Once for every time I hit my head.

Thump.

Thump.

Multiple repeated thumps.

Japan

The two sat facing each other, hands held out, as if holding a beach ball between the two of them. Shinji had his eyes closed, having found that it helped his concentration. He did not know if Rei was the same. All he knew was how strange and different the familiar exercise felt when he practiced it with her. Her hesitance ten minutes ago was burned into his mind. He had never seen her hesitate concerning anything she had taught him over the past month.

He tried not to flinch as the feeling changed yet again. What had started out as a pure milky-white bubble of energy began to develop a core of darkness that quickly grew until only the outer layer of the sphere was still bright. It wasn't as if he could see any of this, it was more of a feeling, or perhaps a knowing. He could sense it under his hands, pulsing faintly against his palms, as a warmth. The bright outer layer began to erode, darkness subverting it, melting it away slowly, almost sensuously, until the bubble disappeared abruptly. Startled, he opened his eyes to see Rei with a very troubled expression on her normally placid face. The worry melted away as life came back to her eyes and she returned his gaze.

"That's enough." Her voice did not shake, or carry any overt sign of worry, but he could feel it nonetheless.

She sighed in relief when he finally looked away, staring out into the forest. She unconsciously rubbed her hands front and back, as if trying to rid herself of the feelings she had just experienced. What was that? The darkness she knew well, having lived with it her whole life. Even through Third Impact that unknown, and perhaps unknowable part of her mind had remained dormant. Why would it awaken now, of all times? Was this her future? To finally make something beautiful with Shinji, only to have it subverted by the alien entity within her?

One pointless murder later, the two of them lay under the trees enjoying the morning sun and the breeze that gently rustled the branches above them.

"I've never felt this way before." His hands were clasped behind his head, his face serene. "It's like my entire body is light. I feel as if I could float away, or jump over these trees with no problem at all." He turned his head to face her, and she wondered at her sudden sense of melancholy.

He has surpassed my expectations. I should be glad.

"But we're back at the beginning of the day," he continued, unaware of her distress. "...so technically I haven't even begun yet."

Rei contemplated his expression for a few moments before responding. "You know most of the short forms, and I am confident that you now understand the fundamentals of the primary long form." She turned away, hiding her sorrow as she realized what it was that bothered her. "It is now possible for you to practice on your own, and make true progress." This is for the best. After all he's done for me, I've finally been able to give him something in return. It's best to let him learn on his own, or I may ruin it. The disturbing memory of their shared meditation lingered in her mind.

"In that case, let's go do something fun." She could tell from his tone that he was still light-headed, and had not truly thought out what he was saying.

"You are talking about a date," she said, smiling wanly at his sudden discomfort. Things never seemed to go quite according to plan when the two of them were concerned. She had yet to build up a suitable wardrobe for such outings, but then he had yet to find the courage to ask her. It had been too much to hope he was reaching out to her. Even his attempts to get closer to her were doubtless from his open and caring nature, not because he thought anything for her specifically.

"I, um..." he cleared his throat nervously. "Well, I guess I am, when you put it that way."

"But I have nothing to wear," she said, mimicking one of Asuka's phrases. He was probably trying to make up for his previous hurtful words and actions. But I can still enjoy it while it lasts. He turned his head, the phrase sounding strange coming from her lips.

"You've never had a problem with your school uniform before," he said, surprise and perhaps a bit of teasing in his voice.

Oddly enough it had been Maki who had put doubt into her usual routine.

"No! Absolutely not, you can't go out like that, I don't care how convenient it is!"

"Do not worry, Maki, he will not ask."

The girl put her hand over Rei's, leaning closer.

"Stop being so pessimistic! Besides, you need to be prepared, just in case."

"Perhaps," Rei admitted.

"I've also never been on a date before," she reminded him, noting the blush that crept over his face at the word 'date.'

"Then... let's go to the mall." He looked over at her, having gotten his face under control, except for the look of hope in his eyes.

She stood, shouldering their gym bag. He got up as well, and they both set off towards NERV headquarters and the linear rail station. She glanced sidelong at him. "Were you planning on wearing your school uniform to our date as well?"

"Wha... bu-" he sputtered, obviously trying to hide his own lack of clothing variety. "What's wrong with a white shirt and black pants? It goes with anything..."

"It would appear that going to the mall is a good idea after all," she decided aloud. "We both could use a change of wardrobe."

The two teenagers lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, both for different reasons. Shinji had enjoyed going shopping with Rei, more than he had enjoyed anything else in his two lives so far. Beside his new experiences with her, all that he had done in the past paled in comparison. Still, part of him would have rather faced any of the Angels he had fought in his past life, rather than be there face to face with Rei as she modeled outfits for him, while another part of him would not trade their time for anything. Her sense of taste was a bit questionable, even to his untrained eyes, but the point had been their time together, more than successful color-matching. Later when she persuaded him to model several outfits for her, he found that his previous fears had been minuscule in comparison.

"Don't be so embarrassed," she had told him at one point. "I like those colors. They go well with your skin."

"-I don't really see how you can say that," he had mumbled, wishing he could go crawl under a rock at the perceived stares of probably everyone in the store. Besides, he had seen some of the atrociously mismatched outfits she had chosen for herself.

"Only your face is red," she had assured him, unable to keep a smile from her voice. "You really do look good in those colors. Here, try these on next." He felt her deposit another shirt-and-pants combination into his nearly-numb hands, and then gently shove him in the direction of the changing stalls. Halfway there, he had looked back and saw her sitting in one of the chairs scattered around the waiting area, hands folded in her lap, face neutral as she waited expectantly. In the end they had lost about as much closet space as he had lost face.

He glanced furtively over at Rei, watching her measured breathing. She was still awake, that much he could tell from past shared experience. Something had changed after their month of training, or more specifically after that last shared meditation exercise. It was subtle, but she seemed to be withdrawing back into herself, or at least not reaching out so much.

Thank you for today. For everything. The words would not come out. Why was it so difficult to say that kind of thing to her? He had said similar words to her in the past. From his own perspective they had gotten closer over the month they had trained together. So why did it now feel like they had grown more separated than ever? She was right there, beside him. Maybe I'm over-thinking it.

Then he realized what was different. So far she had avoided physical contact. Well, it's been a month since we've slept. He still had very little idea why she seemed to crave physical touch. She's always reached out to me. Now that I think about it, I've never once really reached out to her.

His heart felt like it was about to jump out of his chest, and he took a breath, trying to calm himself. I like her, he reminded himself clenching and unclenching his hand shakily. She likes me. He slowly reached over, praying that her hands were by her side. Otherwise the first part of her he touched would make things even more embarrassing. Trying not to move his head, he glanced down, and saw that they were. By the time he grasped her hand, he was nearly in shock, and his own hand was noticeably cool against the warmth of her fingers. She did not jump physically, but he felt surprise run through their shared contact.

"Why do things feel so awkward between us now?" His voice was nearly a whisper. After a moment, she rolled up on her side, resting her other hand on his shoulder, her breath and hair tickling the side of his neck as she nestled herself beside him. I'm still tense. She had to feel it, and it probably hurt her. He desperately fought off the tension, and the images that sometimes still rose in his mind if he wasn't careful. I'm sorry, Rei. He turned his head slightly, resting it against hers, and felt her gently squeeze his hand. The soft scent of her choice of shampoo tickled his nose. Even if I am scared, she's the last person in the world I would ever want to hurt. Even by accident. As they lay there, her warmth spread to him, and his shock slowly wore off. The coldness he had felt from her was gone.

Maybe that's all she wanted. For me to reach out to her.

Guilt mixed with the slight unease he felt, as he drifted off to sleep.

Three Weeks Later

The carrier deck was a hot-bed of activity as the military heavy-lift helicopter's engines spooled down and prepared to shut off. Workers swarmed like ants around the craft, detaching the cargo container and its cargo of Eva umbilical cable. Asuka watched and waited, her arms crossed, her gaze intent. Next up, the hat. The side door opened, followed by a short scuffle. No hat. Her gaze darkened as the three 'stooges'-plus-Misato stepped onto the carrier-deck. Touji was thanking Shinji profusely, which the boy was trying to ignore, his hands in his pockets. He looked up, and their eyes locked. In that instant she knew without a doubt. She turned away, stalking off towards the nearest hatchway, ignoring Misato's boisterous cry of greeting.

Making her way back to her assigned temporary quarters, she locked the door and flopped down on the hard bunk, head under her pillow.

Why? Of all people, why him?! With my luck, Wondergirl is in on this too. They were all pilots. But then what about Touji? He had piloted, even if it was just once, but he obviously wasn't a part of the time-shifts. Nothing makes sense! She squeezed the pillow tighter, trying to shut out the world around her. It doesn't matter. None of them matter. The only thing that matters right now is Eva.

Dinner was as boisterous as it had been the first time, but she did not attend, or care for that matter.

It had taken a bit of cajoling, but Shinji had gotten a helicopter ride over to the battle-ship that held Unit-02. As back-up pilot, he was supposed to be allowed access to it at any time, but no one else knew about the impending Angel attack. No one else but Asuka, he thought glumly. He had seen it in her eyes, and knew. Especially after her abrupt departure. She's part of the resets. It had dumbfounded him, though he knew it should not have. Why did I think Rei and I were the only ones? Why didn't I think of her? He continued down the stairs to where her Eva rested, only to be stopped by a light rustle. His eyes bugged out when he saw it was Asuka, changing. She came here early too? A corner of his mind gibbered. Curves, another part of him commented. She pulled the suit the rest of the way up, tossing her hair back to free it from the suit's snug collar, then pressing the button on her wrist that drew it skintight.

"So one lifetime of pervertedness just wasn't enough, huh?" Her voice was deadly calm. His voice failed him, and he stood there opening and closing his mouth helplessly. "You look like a gutted fish," she grated out, calmly walking up to him, her hands on her hips. "Why are you even here? What's in that bag?"

"My plug suit." He managed to keep his voice steady.

"Oh. Not so boring this time around, are you." She brought a red-gloved hand up to his chin, turning it one way, then the other. "You forgot to shave," she said, her voice still quiet with a dangerous undertone. "Trying to take lessons from Kaji or something?" Her eyes held his in a vice grip.

"Asuka, I..." he swallowed once, remembering their last battle against the MP Evas. "I really didn't mean to leave you hanging out there-" His voice cut off abruptly as her hand dropped to his chest and slammed him against the wall.

"Don't." Her eyes were closed as she tried to keep control of her voice. Phantom pain of her torn apart Eva lacerated her consciousness until she forced the emotion and memories away. "Don't be so full of yourself." She opened her eyes, anger evident in her expression. "It was a waste of time to bring that." Her eyes flitted to his bag. "I don't need you, or Kaji." She turned, releasing him and stalking off towards her Eva. "Not anymore."

"You really think you can do everything on your own." He spoke loudly enough for her to hear. Six months of her verbal abuse and mind games, not to mention numerous slaps and punches in their prior life came to the surface. "You don't think you'll need my help, huh?." He was angry enough to let her try it on her own. She'd get another chance after the next reset anyway. Maybe.

"You had your chance, Ikari." Her voice was low and hard, under control. "I needed you, and you weren't there." She turned, hatred marring her beautiful features. "I don't need you anymore!"

"Stop being so full of yourself," he said, somewhat taken aback by her expression. "Do you really think you're the only one affected by this battle? ...you really thing that you can beat this one on your own?"

"Watch me." She stepped through the porthole at the end of the hall, slamming the hatch behind her with a loud clang.

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. After a moment he noticed it was trembling. Why did I say all that stuff? He slowly made his way up to the bridge. There was no point in trying to go back to the carrier, since he was supposed to be acting in his role as backup pilot, and thus would be expected to stay on the battleship. He was still several floors away from the bridge when the entire ship rocked on its axis. He covered the remaining steps in record time, pushing his way onto the bridge to hear a familiar-if-somewhat-early report over the speakers.

"Unit-02 is activating!" He showed his NERV card to the deck guard who was trying to take him into custody, then stood aside trying figure out what was going on.

"What?!" The admiral's tinny voice over the speakers was just as strained as it had been the first time around. "Stop her! Shut it down! That's an order...!"

"-Asuka, what're you doing??" A scuffle could be heard in the background as Misato tried to keep control of the microphone. "I swear, if this is another one of your stunts for attention...!" It was too late. Shinji saw that, in the form of Unit-02's red bulk throwing off the tarp that covered it, and leaping into the air towards a patrol boat that did not look like it could even begin to hold the massive mechanoid's weight. In the giant's hands were an axe and a progressive lance, and it was wearing a diving suit.

What's she doing... Shinji got his answer when the patrol boat was chopped in half by a plume of purple energy right before Asuka impacted it. He noticed the slight wake that led to what remained of the ship just before the Eva stopped as if it had landed on something solid, then bent and slashed down viciously with its axe. Seconds later Angel and Eva disappeared underneath the roiling waves.

"Fire! All ships fire at will!" The admiral was obviously furious at being upstaged, and was unwilling to wait for Asuka to kill the Angel on her own.

"-never mind Asuka!" Misato's voice had lost its worry. "I never doubted you for a minute!" Further scuffling could be heard as the battle for the microphone continued.

Torpedoes tracked through the water towards a faint ripple that slowly enlarged. The Angel broached the surface of the waves, Unit-02 on its back, holding onto the Angel's surface via the axe and lance which were both buried in its hide. Asuka maneuvered her Unit until the Angel was between her and the incoming torpedoes. Four plumes of water shot into the air, and the last two were mixed with red, which could only be the Angel's blood.

"-hah, see, your toy was only in the way!" Shinji heard the Admiral gloat to Misato. "I'll have you know this is going in my report once we've destroyed the Angel!"

"Moron!" Misato responded, "Your weapons only work because she negated the Angel's AT-field with her own!"

Kaji chose this point to break in on the radio.

"Well, Katsuragi, looks like you've got things under control here. Toodles, hotness!" His salute through the cockpit glass of the Yak-38 he was piloting was enough to draw an incoherent shriek of fury from Misato.

The Angel made a pass at a nearby cruiser, which launched a quartet of rocket-propelled torpedoes in defense. Asuka held on until the last minute, finally pulling her lance free and jumping away into the water in the direction of the carrier. The first rocket exploded in a shower of gore and blood, but the last three were obviously deflected by the Angel's AT-field, which it had apparently raised when Unit-02 jumped away. Seconds later the Eva breached the ocean's surface and pulled its way onto the carrier's deck.

"Misato! Power...!" Asuka yelled, getting her Unit to its feet.

"Right. Admiral..." Misato's voice faded, as she finally gave up the microphone.

"Hah!" Satisfaction dripped from the admiral's gravelly voice as he spoke to Asuka "So you've finally come back with your tail between your legs! Well, don't worry, we'll take care of the intruder. In fact, during the court-martial, I won't hold you personally responsible-" The carrier suddenly heaved, and Shinji watched, dumbstruck, as the wounded Angel latched its jaws onto the side of the flight-deck, causing the giant ship to list alarmingly. "-oh, what a waste...!" Kensuke's distant voice came through the speakers as several planes and VTOLS fell from the carrier deck into the water. Shinji could imagine the otaku waving his camera about, watching as his precious fleet was torn apart.

"NOOO!" The admiral's terrified voice echoed through the speakers. "It's eating my ship! Somebody do somethiiing...!" In fact, Asuka was doing something, but probably not for the admiral's sake. She swung her progressive lance, slashing off a couple of the monster's teeth and causing it to loosen its grip slightly. She then flung the entire weight of her Eva against the creature's head, causing it to slip back off the deck entirely. Before it could disappear back into the water, she hurled the lance into its yawning mouth, piercing its core through in a flash of light. The Angel's skin began to bubble and froth as it lost control of itself, and Asuka crossed her Eva's arms. The air in front of her thickened, becoming a noticeably purple color, and then the Angel exploded. A massive plume of energy boiled into the sky, reflected off of Asuka's full-power AT-field, and ripped through two ships that happened to be too close to the blast radius. By the time the sea and the cheers from the radio calmed down, Shinji could see Asuka's Unit in a low stance trying not to slide into the ocean as the carrier returned to even keel.

I guess I should apologize for what I said earlier, he grudgingly admitted, scratching the back of his head. By the time he returned to the carrier, Misato was busy with her reports, Kensuke was busy dragging Touji around and filming every part of the ship he could weasel his way into, and Asuka was nowhere to be found.

Predictably, by the time the fleet returned to Japan, Misato's apartment was overflowing with a multitude of DHL moving boxes. Asuka swept through the foyer and into Misato's abode with the grace of the conquering queen that she was.

"Hah!" Her hands were on her hips, and an extremely smug grin was on her face as the raven-haired captain drifted through the door of her room into the living room, Yebisu can in hand. Asuka continued her triumphal entry. "You can tell my idiot-of-a-room-mate that it's going to take some major sucking-up before I'll even acknowledge his existence," she crowed.

"Who're you talkin' about?" a slightly buzzed Misato asked.

"The Third Child, of course!"

"Oh, Shinji? -hehe...!" Blissfully unaware of the hell she was about to unleash, Misato proceeded to rock Asuka's boat by telling her exactly where Shinji had been living for the past two months or so. It may be interesting to note that at this point the cicadas were busy cicading and a pair of robins were sitting calmly on a power line some distance from ground zero.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HE'S LIVING WITH REI??" The sliding glass window leading to the deck warped outward, nearly shattering, the cicadas were thrown into disarray, and the pair of robins were propelled into the air as the power line vibrated harshly.

"Where's all this hostility coming from?" Misato asked, finishing off her can and going for another.

"-but, but..." The young pilot sputtered, cursing Shinji silently. He's done it again. My victory is meaningless! "How can you call yourself the Operations Director and still sign off on something that goes against all morals and ethics?? She's probably already lost her virginity to that twerp!"

"Oh, you worry too much," Misato said, making a 'pooh-poohing' motion with her hand as she popped the top on the fresh Yebisu. "Their synch ratios are better than ever. Besides, Ritsuko would know if those two had done 'that'..."

"Gyaaah!" Asuka totally lost all composure. "You don't know how desperate and devious those two are!" She mimed a relatively good Shinji. "-ooh, we can't go that far, Rei, my father'll find out!" She switched over and mimed a robotic-Rei who was desperately struggling to show human emotion. "Whatever you say, Shinji-kun! I'll go as far as you want, as many times as you want!"

Misato was trying to hold back a fit of giggles.

"-ehehe, say, how is it that you seem to already know those two so well?" she asked with a delicate hiccup. "I've wanted to ask that ever since the chilly reception on the carrier..."

Asuka broke down into a storm of German cursing as she stomped out the door.

Shinji wandered into the apartment, his expression blank, as close as he had ever been to his mindset at the beginning. Rei stood by the washer, having just delivered the last half of her laundry to be put in the machine. A shading of pink flirted across her face, but she quickly recognized the empty look in his eyes, and whatever witticism she had been about to unleash died away.

"Why didn't I think of her?" His voice was sad but firm. He leaned against the washing machine, his back to the basket containing his and Rei's unmentionables. "A phone call. Just one." He moved, just barely, rocking back and forth, as if comforting himself, or at least trying to. "Maybe that's all it would have taken. Something, anything, to let her know she wasn't alone in all this."

Rei stood, in the middle of the semi-dark room, the final basket of laundry in her hands, forgotten in the suddenly morose atmosphere.

"You were preoccupied at the time," she reminded him. "-with keeping your own sanity intact."

"Was I too preoccupied when I moved in here?" He turned on her, his eyes full of fire. "Was I..." the flame guttered, as he realized who it was he was snapping at. "Was I too preoccupied when I spent so much time with you? When I bought you that flower? What-" He tried to cut himself off, and turn away, but all the preceding words had already been spoken. He could see the subtle hurt in her face, and hated himself for it, even if he was right, in a way. "What about the past month? What do you think she went through, having to live that same day over and over, not knowing what was going on?"

The basket slid from her limp fingers, and she sat down on the floor, hugging her knees, her expression thoughtful. He flopped down cross-legged in front of the washer, running a hand through his hair as he looked down at his lap. He wanted to apologize, but he could not. He knew if he said the words, they would be false, and she would hate him for it, more than she hated him now. Probably hated him, now. He glanced at her still silent form, unmoving except for a measured blink every three seconds or so. Her AT-field was stronger than ever, preventing him from gleaning anything from her expression.

"I have stopped trying to predict what will happen, or how the next Angel will react," she said almost tonelessly. "All I did was cause others pain when I tried to help. Were it not for the resets, our last battle would have been the end, all because of my suggestions." Silence stretched over a minute, neither of them moving, or speaking.

But it wouldn't have cost me anything to make a single call. He didn't say the words, though. They were damning enough in his mind, playing over and over.

"My head tells me that no harm would have come from a single phone call," she continued. "But my heart rebels against the idea of you reaching out to Sohryu." Her eyes flickered up to meet his momentarily. You rarely enough reach out even to me. The thought was unspoken, but he caught it just the same. Neither spoke for a good five minutes, the air-conditioner humming along noisily. Whatever would have happened next was lost to the ages when the air currents in the apartment shifted as the door opened. Shinji looked over and up.

"How sweet." Asuka's voice dripped corrosively as she stood silhouetted by the flickering street light outside, her sun-dress blowing in the slight breeze, her expression dark. She stepped inexorably closer, but Shinji was frozen and speechless. I don't care any more. Whatever she does to me, I deserve it... She stepped past him, pausing and looking over his head at the top of the washer. "Mixed laundry." Her eyebrow twitched. She reached over, grabbed the basket, and threw it across the room. The basket trailed undergarments like a comet until it impacted the wall with a dull thud and fell to the floor. She stalked to the center of the room, looking around with a mixture of curiosity and disgust. "From the jock's description of this room in the past, it was supposed to be a wreck. You two have been busy little beavers." She turned her icy gaze to Shinji. "Or was it just you?"

Her angry eyes roved around the room, finally tripping over the plant sitting in front of the window-sill, clusters of blue flowers stretching towards the sunlight, or at least stretching to where they knew the sun would eventually be. "What is this?" she asked, nearly breathless. With measured steps, she made her way to the flower. "Who?" she asked, her eyes flashing as she wavered between the two of them. "Who bought this? For whom?" Not receiving an answer, she grabbed the pot and flung it through the closed window. "I ASKED WHO BOUGHT IT!!" She turned, to find Rei's eyes glint with anger, before returning to their familiar neutrality. Glass tinkled to the floor, and a distant crash indicated that the flower pot had found pavement.

"I did." Shinji's voice was oddly calm, and Asuka's deranged eyes flitted over to rest upon him.

"Who said," she bit off each word as she stepped towards him. "-that you could find happiness?" Her expression wavered between sadness and anger. "What gives either of you the right to find happiness in this... this... Help me Shinji. What is this we're in?" Her expression had turned almost thoughtful, though the hint of insanity was still there. "Shinji." She appeared to be trying out the word, as if for the first time. "I said, 'help me.'"

He hated the fear that was crawling through him as he shifted under her gaze. He hated his cowardice. But there was one thing he hated even more, and it was the cold terror that gripped him as he remembered pleading with her in that nightmare. All it would have taken was one single word from her to put his mind at ease. Just one. 'Help me, Asuka,' he had pleaded. Her answer still echoed in his head.

"No," he said. He watched her pupils constrict visibly. She had perhaps not expected him to say anything at all. She turned away, her eyes vacant as she walked to the door.

"Whatever happiness you think you can find in this messed up reality, know this." She paused, her hand on the door handle. "I can destroy it far more easily than you can build it." With a soft click, she closed the door behind her.

Asuka mechanically walked down the stairs, the hateful words and actions of the past minutes fading from her mind as she concentrated on the only thing that was important to her, the only thing that would not disappoint her. Her next activation test was scheduled in three days, and with it she could erase completely what she had been forced to confront in that wretched apartment behind her. She did not look back, or linger at the door, and thus she did not hear the short conversation playing out between her two fellow pilots.

"Do it, Rei. I don't care how." His voice was low, and haunted.

"This will not be without pain," she warned.

"I don't care." A soft rustle of clothes as she got up and walked to where Shinji sat. Asuka heard none of this. She did, however, hear the sound of a freight train as the world turned inside out. Her hand was once again on the door of apartment 402, and she watched as Shinji got to his feet. The flower stood on Rei's window-sill, mocking her. The basket of clothes was back where it had started, on the washing machine. Time shift, her brain informed her, before going numb.

"You're wrong, by the way," Shinji commented, and she shivered at the maniacal look in his eyes. "I can rebuild what you destroy. Easily." He stepped closer to her, and she backed away. "So easily." He spoke calmly. "All I have to do is die." He tilted his head to the side. "Did you know that?" Her mouth opened, but nothing came out. She stumbled backward, shaking her head. Then she did something she had never done in her whole life. She turned and ran away.

"That wasn't me."

His voice was hollow as he lay, nearly fetal, his head on her lap. The hard wall pushed against her back, and her eyes rested on her one comfort, the plant he had given her.

"Why did I hurt her?" he asked plaintively. "I never wanted to hurt her."

But she always seems to take joy in hurting you. Her unspoken thought remained unspoken, and he continued on.

"Why does she always have to be like that? Why does she always have to be so..." he paused momentarily, searching for an adjective, and failing. "...so Asuka?"

She is herself, and you are you.

Again, Rei stayed silent. Words were fickle, and had betrayed her as often as they had helped. It was enough that he had come to her for comfort. That he no longer shied away from her touch. Lifting a hand, she ran her fingers through his soft hair, remembering a month ago when she had similarly touched him, before their month-long practice. His mouth twitched into a smile, and he seemed to read her mind.

"Things were so much simpler when we were training. Why did we ever have to leave that place?"

"We can go back at any time."

"Let's go, then." He lifted himself up, looking at her, his expression simple and child-like.

"Alright." She stood and walked towards the door. Turning back when he did not follow, she looked at him in puzzlement. He stared back.

"Don't you have to call Section Two? Aren't we going back?"

He meant back in time, not back to the Geofront.

"We don't have to go back in time to practice," she reminded him. "And did not Sohryu beat the Angel? Do you want to negate her work?"

"Oh." Something crossed his face too fast for her to catch. Disappointment? Sadness? It was gone before she could analyze it. "I guess you're right." He stood, calm expectation masking whatever had been on his face a moment ago. "You really don't mind training with me now? It's kind of late."

"I do not mind." She saw how badly he needed to unwind, and every joint exercise she had done with him so far had been a novel and interesting experience.

In the end they found themselves walking towards the park nearest to Rei's apartment, the trains to the Geofront having already stopped running. A slight wind rustled its way through the trees, eventually making its way down to their level, bringing relief from the warm night.

"This will be fine," she said, stopping in a clearing. The moon and several distant street lights illuminated an empty park-bench some ways away, hidden by a series of shrubs, but there was no one else around at this time of night. "We will spar," she said simply.

"-aah, how?" he asked, apprehension on his face.

"I realize the idea seems new to you, but every element of the dances and katas we have practiced have martial applications. For now just focus on the basics, the eight gates and the five steps," she told him. "The long and short forms all have imaginary opponents. The only difference here is your opponent is real."

"Hah, 'the only difference...'" He fidgeted nervously.

"Relax," she said, dropping out of 'teacher mode.' "The movements are in slow motion, so there is no danger. Think of it as a physical conversation. There is give and take. When your opponent makes a move, you must accept it, and formulate a response, all without losing your center of gravity. It's more of a game than a sparring match."

"Alright." He nodded, his face having gone serious. They both faced each other, standing naturally.

Shinji waited, just standing there for a few moments, but somehow he knew she wouldn't attack first. It just wasn't her way, at least not with him. She calmly stared at him, and he knew he would psych himself out if he waited too long. He doubted anyone alive could take her in a staring contest.

He stepped forward and reached for her shoulder in one smooth motion, intending at the very least to drag her down with him if he could not gain the upper hand fairly quickly. His hand touched her shoulder. He knew that, because he felt the cloth against his fingers, but her mass, her momentum, was not there. She had appeared to be at rest, but that was apparently not the case, because the resistance he had expected was missing. Her center of balance was invisible to him, and as he tried to catch and recenter himself, she must have sensed it through their shared contact, for that was when she made her move. He felt a light touch underneath the arm he had outstretched towards her shoulder, and he realized it was her other hand. He was already overbalanced forward, and she added just enough force at just the right time to send him flying forward into the ground. He tucked and rolled, coming to a knee and looking back, an embarrassed grin on his face.

"Too obvious," she admonished, staring at him placidly, and awaiting his next move.

His next attack fared little better. He approached her cautiously, reaching for her shoulder and hip simultaneously, hoping to at least feel what she was doing as she took him apart. She turned both arms away from their targets, and they moved back and forth, hands and wrists never losing contact. He changed his target, but she felt it and in that moment her aura seemed to expand. He leaned back unconsciously, and that was when she snaked a hand up and tapped him on the forehead. The next thing he knew, he was sitting on the ground several yards away from her, dazed.

"Too subtle," she said this time, a glimmer of mischief in her eyes.

As they continued, he began to get the hang of things. All this meant, of course, was that he saw and understood more of what she was doing to him, not that he ever got the upper hand. Interspersed between defeats were short words of wisdom. "Look for openings," or, "Try not to be so tense. The more relaxed you are, the easier you can read your opponent's movements."

He never caught her completely off-guard, but as the night wore on he began to catch her subtle rhythms and patterns. He came to understand how she had managed to conform so completely to him during their one dance back in their previous life when he and Asuka had been training to fight the twin Angel. In a way, he began to understand a little more of her mindset. "Reach out to me," seemed to be her main theme. "Engage me, and allow me to respond." Reach out. He remembered his fear at even reaching over and holding hands with her, and how it had seemed to mean so much to her. Reach out to me. Share my touch, her movements seemed to say. Kiss me. He blushed, lost concentration, and was thrown to the ground.

"And you were doing so well, there." Her eyes teased him as he got to his feet.

Did I just see that? She had already kissed him, two months ago, but since then, nothing had happened. Well, I've never made anything happen, he amended. Almost everything had been initiated by Rei, and though he had not pushed her away, it had to be wearing on her. I need to do something, but not that, he insisted, trying to argue down the guilt he was feeling. Not now.

Why not? It seemed to say. Why not now?

He thought hard, but could not come up with a satisfactory answer. Well, who knows, he sighed, giving in. Maybe it'll surprise her enough that I'll finally win one.

Rei felt the same cloying feeling she had felt in their previous two-person ball-holding exercise a day ago. It was coming more often whenever she and her fellow pilot were together, and it confused her. This cannot be love, she decided. Or rather, she hoped. It was too strong a feeling, too sweet, like molasses, or syrup. Beyond the various second-hand experiences she had undergone during Third Impact, she did not know love, but she had hoped it would be more light-hearted, more free-flowing. This was more like a thick blanket that hindered thought and movement.

As they continued sparring, she felt the mood change slightly, as if Shinji had made some sort of decision. She wondered about it, but kept her curiosity firmly in check lest it ruin her dance. She had considered nearly all the myriad possibilities, including the one Shinji eventually chose, but she had of course dismissed the idea of a kiss almost instantly, deciding that the probability of him initiating such contact was close to nonexistent. Then he made his move, their lips touched, and she learned the truth. It was not love that she felt, it was Lilith.

The dark cloying presence rose in her mind, driving out all rational thought. She tilted her head, pressed herself up against him, and began doing things to his mouth and tongue that made her heart begin to race as fast as she felt his racing through their shared contact. It took her a full ten seconds to regain control of her faculties enough to realize what she had done, and as she came back to herself, she felt Shinji go from ecstacy to confusion to absolute terror as he realized it was not Rei he was kissing. Unease curdled the good feeling in the center of her midsection, and she pulled away. Looking into his eyes and seeing the combination of fear and guilt battling away in his mind, she watched as her life came tumbling down around her like a house of cards.

Every time he looked at her, every time he touched her, he would wonder if he was interacting with Rei, or the other, Lilith. The thing that made her alien. The thing that made her enemy. She stumbled backwards, turned, and fled blindly, almost unable to see through the tears blurring her vision.