"Don't try to hide it from me, Shinji, I know you two 'did it'."

"I'm not trying to hide anything."

"I know it hurts, and you really want my forgiveness, but you know I don't respect people who beg."

"I'm not begging."

"-well... well... why the hell not?! Hey, stop smirking! I'll kill you!"

---Excerpt from Conversations With Asuka, published circa post Third Impact, after society returned to normal, or at least as normal as a society can get after briefly becoming a mass-consciousness.

Chapter 8 – Pigeon of Doom

Pre-read by Fanf1cFan

Apartment 402. For months it had been his home, back before he had kissed his girlfriend, and thus unwittingly torpedoed their relationship. Shinji sighed, his eyes roaming around the trash-cluttered walkway, his thoughts morose. There was a time when a part of him would have liked nothing more than to be free of the mystery that was Rei, or at least to be free of any romantic entanglement with the enigmatic girl. The corner of his mouth twitched at the irony. When he was with her, he had not even recognized what they had together, but now that he wanted to be near her, he could not.

Why am I torturing myself like this? He raised a hand and knocked on the door, three raps that sounded harsh and hollow in the enclosed space. The twelve second time-span required for her to get out of bed and to the door seemed to be the longest protracted twelve seconds he had ever experienced. She's asleep, and didn't hear, he thought first. Or maybe she's in some overnight test at NERV. Another more numbing thought occurred to him. Maybe she's already been called in, because Misato has informed NERV about Asuka's pregnancy. Maybe Section Two is out looking for me. The walk to Rei's apartment had been slow, his steps reduced to a trudge by the mind-numbing shocks he had been hit with one after another that day. Any number of things could have happened in the time it had taken to get there.

The situation simplified itself dramatically when a sharp click assaulted his ears, and the door opened five inches. He barely made out the contour of Rei's head, her hair a messy halo in the gloom. She blinked once, then shut the door.

All his hopes were dashed with that act of coldness. He stumbled backwards, his knees weak with relief and sadness. She had cast him adrift, and there was nothing more for him to do. He couldn't go back to Misato's, and he didn't want to go face Ritsuko right now. He didn't want to face anybody. Well, nobody except Rei. Even if she was mad, even if she coldly ignored him, if he could just be in her presence, it would be enough.

His back bumped against the wall facing the door that had just been shut in his face, and he slumped down to the cold concrete of the walkway floor. His vision blurred and swam as he drew his knees up and hugged them. A tear slipped down his face, and he smiled for a brief moment, lips jerking back downwards. The tears finally came when he needed them. Leaning his head back against the cool wall that was his only support, he wept quietly. No noise, really, he just sat there and let the wetness run down his cheeks and drip in his lap.

The sadness was like a pressure in his throat, pushing the tears out, but as he sat there silently crying, he began to relax. This time it wasn't hopelessness that overcame him, it was certainty. No matter what happened, no matter what he had to do, he would always love Rei, and he would never stop trying to win her heart.

No matter what. I'll never stop loving her, no matter what. The realization repeated itself over and over in his mind until he fell into a much-needed slumber.

Maya watched as Ritsuko idly tapped her ever-present clipboard. The woman frowned as she looked through the one-way glass into the room where Asuka lay on a hospital bed. Maya followed her gaze. The white of the room and the bluish light gave the redhead's skin a tone that looked closer to Rei's natural color. The girl was not asleep, even though her eyes were nearly closed. She was gazing distantly, blankly, at the far wall. From what Ritsuko had told her, Maya would have expected the girl to be either raging, or comatose, at least from what she knew of the 'relationship' between the Second and the Third. The exhausted-looking doctor sighed, and Maya considered the messy situation, or at least what she knew of it after talking to Ritsuko.

The First likes the Third, who appeared to be oblivious to her affections, until he suddenly kissed her, and now she's avoiding him. And to make matters worse, the Second thinks she pregnant with the Third's love child.

She would have burst into hysterical laughter if not for the fate of the world lying in the Children's hands. Ritsuko made a move for the door, and Maya exclaimed.

"You're actually going to tell her??"

Ritsuko stopped, looking at her erstwhile pupil.

"We have to, Maya. It's the only way she'll get better."

Maya could not argue, even if the treatment in this case might be worse than the disease.

I guess a state of mind can be a disease, Maya thought glumly, as Ritsuko exited the room and shut the door behind her. Maya watched as, seconds later, the doctor came into view through the one-way glass. Asuka's eyes refocused, and she glanced at Ritsuko for a moment, almost immediately losing interest. The doctor's mouth moved, then stopped. Asuka looked at her again. Ritsuko's mouth moved again, and Asuka's eyes bulged. Her mouth opened wide, but no sound made it through the sound-proof glass, though Maya did not have to have an imagination to guess what the girl was saying.

"What the hell do you mean, I'm not pregnant??" Asuka immediately colored, realizing how that statement sounded. Her blush turned back to anger instantly. "What's this, then?" Her eyes flicked down to the slight bulge beneath the covers at her midsection.

"Pseudocyesis," Ritsuko answered calmly. "I trust you know what that-"

"Of course I know what false pregnancy is, you, you-"

"-doctor," Ritsuko reminded her sternly, watching with an unhealthy satisfaction as Asuka wilted slightly. "I'm your doctor. If you know about the condition, and its symptoms, then you know what causes it-"

"I sure as hell don't have some inner desire to carry Shinji's kid!" Asuka yelled, desperately squashing whatever small part of her was disagreeing with her statement. Ritsuko's mouth twitched.

"The opposite can also have an effect," Ritsuko reminded her. "The condition can be caused by either one, you know."

False pregnancy. It was often found in animals, but there were human cases, even if it was a rare thing. Usually the condition was reversed by something so simple as showing the patient that she was not with child by means of pregnancy-test, though ultrasound or other imaging techniques were usually more effective, but some cases were persistent, and required actual medication. Asuka seemed to lose her energy, finally accepting the doctor's words, though it was far different from how passive she had seemed before. The doctor considered the difference clinically, trying to be objective.

Could it be that some part of her actually did want to carry his child?

Shinji's dreams were mundane and non-linear, as dreams were wont to be. He had always had a better-than-average dream-recall, especially after becoming a pilot. He usually floated through the night, detached as he observed strange scenes and even stranger beings. Perhaps his memory and observational skills had been enhanced by the training he had to undergo to pilot an Eva, or perhaps not. Perhaps his dream-memory had simply gotten better as he grew up. He had no way to know for sure.

Very often he would dream lucidly, though he had little to no control over the environment, much like waking life. All that changed was that he could traverse strange worlds with an awareness even more vivid than when he was awake. It was a kind of emotional release, since things in dreams could not hurt him, and so he could, for once, release all his waking fears.

It was because of this that he did not put a great deal of thought into it when he saw Rei's face, hazy and distorted as dreams usually are. She was kneeling in front of him, and reaching out a hand to touch his cheek. The pastel of her sleeping shirt and shorts drew his attention as she gently rubbed a finger across the dried tear-tracks down his face. The feel of her fingers was muted somehow, as if she were touching him through a thin blanket.

"Rei, I love you."

The voice sounded distant, though he knew it was his own. He could hear his voice apologizing to her, trying to express how sorry he was that he had hurt her, and how he wished she could somehow forgive him. Her image seemed to swim, as if he were looking at her reflection in rippling water. A sudden sharp impact and stinging pain on his cheek brought a vividness to his thoughts. He blinked dully.

I'm awake.

And Rei had just slapped him. Her expression was wavering between anger and something else, perhaps sorrow. He flailed his thoughts as she stood and turned her back on him, preparing to leave him alone once more. Stand up, he ordered himself, as she walked towards the door. Stand up! He just sat there, blinking stupidly. It wasn't like there was anything he could do. She would just keep refusing him, until-

He was standing, a hand on her shoulder. She turned fluidly, and slapped him again. He staggered, but did not fall down or turn his head away from her. A flush of momentary fury stood out on her white cheeks, her eyes flaming as they bored into his.

"Hit me as much as you want." He was surprised at his rather steady voice. "I know I deserve it, but it won't make me any less sorry. And it won't make me love you any less."

Her eyes flashed, and she gripped the front of his shirt, slamming him against the wall, nearly driving the breath out of him. He closed his eyes, consigning himself to whatever punishment she decided to mete out. No such punishment came, and after a few seconds, she spoke.

"How could you say that?" He opened his eyes to meet hers. "After what you did, how could you say that to me?" Her anger had cooled, leaving nothing but hurt in her expression.

"It's the truth," he replied, holding her gaze. "I know I've done things that have hurt you, but I love you, and there's nothing that can ever change that. I just wish you could believe me..."

At his words, the strength seemed to slowly go out of her, and her face fell. She was nearly leaning on him, as opposed to earlier when she had held him there against the wall. He was sure she was going to reject him again, and he had braced himself for it, but then her eyes shimmered with wetness and she lowered her head.

"If you truly mean that," she said, her words so low he strained to hear them. "-then you will never again make me feel what I felt when I saw you with Akira." She paused, and everything around him was drowned out by her heartbeat he felt through their shared chest contact. "Please, I do not want to feel that ever again-" Her words stopped when he put his arms around her, his hands meeting near the small of her back. She put her head on his shoulder and wept quietly as he held her.

I did this to her. His eyes were stuck on her half-open door, as sorrow battled with relief now that they were at least talking again. He knew better than to think things would go back to normal, whatever that was, and who knew what would happen during the next few days. Shame blossomed once more when he considered Asuka's plight. He had no idea what Rei would think about Asuka's pregnancy, and he wondered how he would ever tell her.

For a few long moments he was at war with himself, fighting against his usual desire to avoid complicated and embarrassing situations. Rei's soft crying and the tears soaking his shirt made the decision for him.

"Asuka's pregnant." The voice didn't even sound like his own, it was too harsh. He hated how ragged he sounded. "-because I had sex with her." There. Somehow he had gotten it all out in the open. Now if only-

"I know," she mumbled into his shirt. "I was there, remember?"

"-ah..." he was shocked past the point of forming intelligible words, but as he thought back, he did remember her standing over the two of them when he had awoken on the beach. "So you're not..." he was nearly numb with relief by now. "-not angry?"

Rei looked up in confusion.

"If you love her, then go to her," she said calmly. "If you-"

"I love you, Rei," he exclaimed, hurt on his features. "You-" She cut him off by leaning forward and kissing him. Without any hesitation, he kissed her back. Lilith did not intervene, or show herself in any way, now that she had apparently gotten what she wanted. This time they were just two blushing teenagers hesitantly making out in the dingy hallway outside of Apartment 402.

"Sempai, isn't there anything more we can do for her?"

Maya watched through the glass as the Second Child slept. Her peaceful features changed ever so often, as if she were having vivid dreams. Or perhaps nightmares.

"We can only hope the medication has more effects than the other treatments."

The 'other treatments' had been extremely detailed images of her internals, showing how her body was putting on weight, partly from stored fat and partly from water retention, in preparation for a living being that would never be born, and indeed had never existed, at least not on any sensors available to NERV. Asuka had been extremely dejected during the entire ordeal, finally snapping at Ritsuko, telling her that knowing with the mind and knowing with the heart were two different things. She obviously accepted intellectually that she was not pregnant, but her body still thought differently.

While Maya worried about the young girl's psyche, she knew Ritsuko was worried about another matter. Whether the girl could still pilot. If she could not, then all hope of defeating the Angel conventionally using Evas was lost. It appeared that a single Eva stood no chance against the beast languishing in the crater left by the N2 munition, and time marched inevitably on while it regenerated. Within the span of a few days they would have to make a decision on whether to use Evas or not.

And if Evas were not used, the situation looked bleak indeed, judging from the rumors of what the Commander's backup plan was.

Shinji awoke, muzziness still clinging to him as he blinked slowly. The events of the previous night slowly came back to him, and then he became aware of his position in a startled flash. He was lying in Rei's bed in his pajamas, and the girl's head was on his chest, her arm laying over him. Her calm breathing in and out belied the heavy conversation they had the previous night.

I told her I love her, he reminded himself. Even if it had not been under the best of circumstances, and even if her response had been a bit abrupt, it was still out there, in the open now. His cheek still tingled with the remembrance of her slap. But she was not slapping him now. She was sleeping on him, and he no longer wanted to run away. He no longer wanted to think. He just wanted to rest in the arms of the girl he loved. He raised a hand, brushing it through her soft hair as he blinked away tears of happiness.

She murmured, stirring a bit, then turning onto her side. He turned onto his side to face her, putting an arm over hers. They touched foreheads, and as he looked into her eyes and saw his feelings mirrored in hers, his vision swam, wetness falling onto the pillow. It was all he had ever wanted, to understand another, and to be understood. For a moment, all the other cares he had melted away into the background as he enjoyed the present. He realized that at that moment, in that mutual embrace, he had found all he had ever wanted out of life.

He floated through the rest of the morning, breakfast, shower, and clothing himself all melting into a stream-of-consciousness as he tried to hold in his mind that moment of happiness in bed in Rei's arms. It wasn't all that difficult, since whenever he needed reminding, all he had to do was look over at her content expression.

They continued walking towards HQ, each of them in their own way preparing themselves for the day's doubtless-thorough testing and preparation for the next encounter with Israfel.

Asuka brought her left hand up to her right wrist, contracting the pressure-switch. The hiss of her plug suit contracting around her brought with it sharp momentary pain. Certain parts of her no longer liked being constricted. She released the breath she didn't know she had been holding as the suit equalized, finally allowing her relief.

Stupid Ritsuko. Stupid Misato. Neither of them understood. Neither of them had ever been mothers, yet they both pretended. Misato had pretended with her and Shinji, and Ritsuko was apparently even more psychotic in her protectiveness of Shinji and Rei.

"These medications will alleviate the symptoms that you are experiencing. I know it seems terrifying, but this will all be over in a few days."

Liar! Ritsuko's words still echoed in her ears. Her hand drifted down to her stomach, which was noticeably larger than normal, especially with what she wore now. I know all about false pregnancy. I'm a college graduate for Gottsake! She knew it was all in her mind, and that was part of the problem. Most of the treatments for pseudocyesis targeted the patient's mind, forcing it to recognize that it was generating an abnormal set of symptoms in the body. But even if that's the case, shouldn't the medication at least have a minimal affect? Even the smallest of changes would have given her hope, and shown her that none of it was real. Perhaps one night and morning was not enough for the medication to take effect, though Ritsuko had told her it would begin working within a few hours.

But what if it is real? a corner of her mind wailed. It was that corner of her mind that had probably made her symptoms worse. Or it really could be real. She blinked rapidly, desperately suppressing her emotions before they got out of control again. She had awoken once during the night, sobbing uncontrollably. It was the sickest, most vulnerable feeling she had ever experienced, and she hated herself for it. Yet even as she hated herself, she could feel her emotions degenerating towards that sick state yet again.

Walking stiffly over to a corner, she sat down, wrapping her arms around her body and lowering her head. She set her face and closed her eyes. If I'm going to cry, it's going to be on my terms. Carefully letting her emotions come to the surface, she squeezed her eyes, disgusted at the sorrow bubbling up in her mind. A line of moisture crawled down her face, then another on the other side. Her breath shook a little, but there was nothing she could do about it. She let the emotion swirl around her mind, tightly controlled. The wetness gathered at her chin, falling to the floor. She very carefully cried, finally losing track of time. At a certain point the tears dried up, and after another few moments of sitting there, waiting, she opened her eyes and stood. She found a towel, wiped off her face, and left the changing room.

She tried to ignore what felt like the stares of everyone in the giant cage room. She moved normally, determined to draw no attention to herself with any kind of attempt to hide things. She knew logically that no one had noticed, probably. She looked almost normal, even if it felt like she had grown several cup sizes and was carrying a watermelon. She had actually measured herself just to make sure, and she was only just barely larger than before. If only it didn't feel like she had doubled in size. That feeling would probably result in further worsening of her symptoms. Unless it's real.

Shut up! she screamed at that irritating little inner voice. With an effort she brought her breathing back under control as she sat down in her plug seat, waiting while the crane lifted her over the lake of purple coolant and inserted her into the test plug. The other two must have already been in their plugs, but she didn't care. Sitting normally, she willed herself to relax, placing her hands on the pistol-grip controls to either side of her and closing her eyes. The air was a bit stale as usual, but she wouldn't have to breath it for long. With some surprise, she actually felt herself begin to calm down.

Sounds of rushing liquid filled the chamber as the LCL level began to rise. The beginnings of nausea swirled around in her belly, and she breathed carefully, using the anti-nausea exercises she knew. The sick feeling slowly receded as the warm liquid rose past her thighs. Fear niggled away as the liquid rose inexorably towards her nose, but she suppressed it. Finally immersed completely in the yellow liquid, she took a breath, daring her body to react as she drew the substance into her lungs. When the nausea failed to reappear, she let out a sigh of relief. Breathing normally, she took comfort in how things seemed to be returning to normal.

All I need is a good harmonics test, and everything'll be fine.

Something normal will help me get over this... this thing.

The optimistic thought brought her hope as the faint babble of status reports in her ear told her to begin contact. Test patterns flowed past her closed eyes as she reached out to the one person she knew would understand what she was going through. The one person whose acceptance of her was complete, now that she had discovered the woman's presence in her Eva.

"Third contact beginning. A10 receptors functioning at eighty-percent efficiency and rising. Beginning final contact..."

The status reports continued. She swallowed against a sudden turn in her stomach as she felt her mother's touch at the back of her mind. The touch lingered, then expanded as she synchronized. Then wavered. Red warnings flashed along her status displays as alarms wailed through her test plug, but she was too busy trying not to throw up to notice.

Rejection!

Her hands were gripped tightly over her mouth, her eyes squeezed shut, her legs drawn up to her chest as another wave of nausea assaulted the remaining shreds of her control. A cloud of white particulate matter spurted from between her fingers, and she panicked. With the nauseating smell of the LCL in her lungs and throat, she had not felt herself vomit. She tried to cough, but whenever she breathed in, nasty lumpy stuff made her gag. She tried to clear her throat of the intruding substance from her stomach, spitting it out into the liquid around her, but her stomach wouldn't stop heaving, and she couldn't avoid the haze building up around her. She tried to stand up, but her strength failed her.

I'm going to die. Her head was already spinning from lack of oxygen, and the panicky reports in her ears were fading away. I'm going to die in this horrible machine. And the last thing she would remember was her mother's rejection. Her vision blurred as her head fell back limply against the hard metal behind her. She was once again back in the hospital, looking into a room where her mother crooned to a doll, talking to and accepting it, not her.

An explosive sound heralded a change in pressure around her, and suddenly the LCL had emptied in one big rush. She bent over, allowing the horrible stuff to evacuate from her lungs. Her abdominal muscles clenched, and she emptied her stomach into the bottom of the test plug, gasping for air as she coughed and sputtered. Sitting back shakily, she drifted towards unconsciousness, her mind on her fellow pilot, the one behind all her troubles.

He did it after all. He took my mother away from me, she thought bitterly.

It no longer took any thought at all for Shinji to guide his Eva's steps as it walked, giving him plenty of time to consider how things had changed yet again.

Asuka's not really pregnant. A part of him was relieved, which made him feel bad for the girl, since she was still suffering as if she were pregnant. But she's not. Which meant he no longer had to feel guilty about being with Rei. He unwittingly smiled a bit at the thought of Rei.

It doesn't matter. Nothing matters any more. No matter what happens, she'll be there when I get back. His mind went back to Misato's tense preparatory instructions for the mission.

"Shinji, this mission is extremely important and extremely dangerous, but not to you."

"Not to me?" Her statement had confused him.

"We're going to destroy the Angel with mass N2 bombardment," the woman had said, her expression deadly serious. Well, it had made sense to him. Twenty-two percent of the Angel's mass had been burned away with a single strike, so it stood to reason that repeated strikes would eventually kill it. It made him wonder for a moment why more of the Angels had not been disposed of in that manner.

"The danger is that the repeated high-intensity strikes will damage the Geofront itself, and make it unstable," she went on, inadvertently answering his question. "But with Rei's Eva still under repair and Asuka unable to pilot, we have no choice. We can't risk your Eva becoming disabled in a straight-up fight with the Angel." There had been nothing for him to do but nod glumly. Misato had no way of knowing how Asuka had already tried defeating the monster on her own, and had failed. She was either on par with him or better at this point, leaving him with no confidence at all that he could beat the Angel on his own.

"Operation commencing."

Static masked the voice of the strike-force's squadron leader. Even so, Shinji recognized Akira's father's voice. He could barely make out the contrails, but he had no way of seeing the falling munitions. A short time later blinding purple light erupted into the sky, boiling away layers of armor in the process. Just as the stable column of energy was forming and beginning to die down, another blast rocked the area, and then another. His display automatically dimmed, protecting him as the bombardment continued.

The attack seemed to go on forever, each flash of light accompanied by a buffet when the shock-front passed over his Eva. The tortured atmosphere flickered with discharges and sputtering flashes of static hundreds of feet long, jagged forks of light that danced along the ground, reaching up into the sky in all directions.

The burble of status reports included reports of collapsing structural supports, but there were no casualties. All personnel had long been evacuated. The most recent flash died down, and when the next one did not come, Shinji finally relaxed the subtle tightening of his legs. He had half expected the entire Geodome to collapse, sending thousands of tons of armor, buildings, and people down into the forest below. Had that happened, he had no idea what he would have done. Simply resetting would not have helped. He would have had to find some way to beat the Angel without resorting to N2 bombardment. Letting out a pent-up sigh, he looked down at Misato's comm-box which had just popped up on his display.

"Shinji, proceed to ground zero and confirm visually that the Angel is dead," she said, her expression as hard as it always was whenever they were under threat of attack. Shinji walked his Eva gingerly towards the epicenter of the blasts, his feet sinking a bit into the still-molten armor. After a moment of intense heat on the soles of his feet, he heard Ritsuko mutter to Maya, instructing her to dampen the nerves on the bottoms of the Eva's feet. Seconds later he felt immediate relief, as his feet went cold. He could still walk, but he wouldn't have the best of stability. His teeth clenched as he concentrated. He most certainly didn't want to fall over in the molten muck he was trudging through.

After several long minutes of careful walking, he came to what had to be the center of the targeted area. There was absolutely nothing left that he could see. Not even blood or fragments of skin.

"There's nothing left, Misato," he said tiredly.

"Roger," she answered. "Return to base, and-"

He was just about to turn to leave when he heard an alarm go off over the comm. He looked up slowly, and for a moment he couldn't believe what he was seeing. It seemed so unreal that he just stared dumbly at it for a few precious moments. Floating almost directly overhead was a giant, zebra-striped sphere, sullen and menacing. As he stared numbly at the apparition, he happened to notice his doom winging its way across the sky in the form of a solitary pigeon.

"Shinji! We're detecting a pattern blue! Get out of there!"

As his strength returned to him, the pigeon flew right through the floating shadow, causing it to disappear. He looked around frantically, but there were no buildings nearby, they all having been reduced to slag. With a peculiar sinking feeling he knew that there was no way he would have made it out of Leliel's shadow even if he had moved the moment he had seen the Angel appear overhead.

Sinking inexorably into the murky blackness of the Dirac Sea, his last thought before the comm went silent was that with NERV's N2 munitions depleted, and the other Evas inoperative, he was truly on his own.