"What'cha writing?"

His pad was beside him where he rested against a rock, hands over his stomach, eyes closed.

"A book." It surprised him when his usual reclusiveness didn't infuriate her. They shared a moment of silence, then,

"What's reality, Shinji?" She was drawing little circles in the sand, and the use of his intimate name startled him, even if she had begun doing it more often.

"Reality is where you feel real," he finally decided.

After a short of silence, he opened an eye for a moment, wondering at her reticence.

"So when's dinner, Confucious?" she finally asked.

"Whenever you decide to make it," he replied, closing his eyes, wanting nothing more than a nap. He jumped at a palm which landed on his sternum. He flinched, then realized she hadn't really hit him with any force. He cracked an eye open.

"Were you planning on eating?" she asked, her eyes kind but dangerous.

"Yeah," he said, "eventually..."

"Then you'll help, of course," she said, taking his hands and pulling him to his feet. Not dragging, not jerking, just helping him up. He stretched, yawned, then followed her.

---Excerpt from the preface to Conversations With Asuka

Chapter 9 – Dirac

Pre-read by Fanf1cFan

Blankness.

The complete absence of all stimuli, color, sound. All these were things he took for granted, even having been through this hellish oblivion once before. He had never ever expected to be back in this place, even knowing that he'd have to live his life over again. He had thought he would have more time to come up with some alternate plan to defeat this particular Angel, but here he was. Anything would be preferable to this nothingness. He shuddered at the reminder of Rei.

How could she have actually wanted something like this? But he knew the answer to that. He was in the middle of nothingness, but he still had his identity, his awareness. True nothingness would be the absence of self.

Rei. She was waiting for him, back in the real world. He comforted himself with the memory of her, and the things they had done, and would do, when he got out. Maybe he'd take her to a movie, or out to eat, things that they'd never really done, since they'd never really been a couple during the time they'd been living together, and sleeping together.

Sleeping together. Now the idea brought thoughts into his fourteen-year-old, hormone-ridden head that gave him a reaction he had to hide by drawing up his knees and hugging them. Rei was beautiful. The most beautiful person he knew. He had never really thought of her that way, before realizing his feelings for her, but now he couldn't get her image out of his head. He had so many of them, having lived with her for so long.

Her peaceful expression while asleep. Her placid gaze as they sat facing each other on the train to and from the Geofront. The wind moving her hair as they walked to school. The rare smile that he was privileged to see, and sometimes to evoke.

I just know I'm going to mess this up somehow, he thought with a sigh, opening his eyes. The numbers at the edge of his display ticked downward. Thirty-seven seconds. This time there was no point in trying to save the battery, since there could be no rescue even if those at NERV had wanted to. The N2 munitions had been drastically depleted by the destruction of Israfel, and even had they had enough explosives, there were no Evas to spread an AT-field and extract him from the inter-dimensional trap he now inhabited.

Ten seconds. He would either survive and escape, or die and have to relive it all again. With a start, he wondered what would happen to Asuka if he backed up to before she had 'conceived.' Since it was all in her mind, would it go away? Or would the symptoms only get worse sooner? He knew precious little about whatever Ritsuko had called it. Pseudoci-something. Was it deadly? What would happen when it was time for the nonexistent baby to be born?

Ironically, the timer ticked over to zero at that moment, and he braced for the panic. His heart-beat sped up, and he tensed, waiting for the shortness of breath. I don't know why I'm getting so worked up, It's not like I haven't died before... He nearly chuckled. Not for the first time, he wondered exactly how he had broken free of the Angel the last time. Yui had helped, he knew that. And it had taken place when he was near death, probably his mother's reaction to the danger he was in. He wondered idly how long it would take for the LCL to go stale as it had before.

Wait. Why is my suit still active? He checked the chronometer built into it, and saw the seconds steadily ticking by. Even if the LCL is still somewhat breathable, my suit shouldn't function without power...

Power.

Something pulsed in his chest, or rather in the Eva's chest, and so he felt it. Closing his eyes, he concentrated, feeling around in his chest area. There. He felt power begin to flow continuously, but how?

S2 organ. A shiver traveled up his spine. How had an S2 organ gotten into his Eva? It wasn't like he had gone around making a habit out of eating Angels. Not after that first disastrous experience a lifetime ago. Then how...? With a suddenness that shocked him, it all came together.

The first Angel I fought was recovered intact. And the second was captured still in its embryonic stage. Ritsuko could have extracted one from either of them. But why didn't my father tell me about this? Without the push of near-death to force his mother to act, he was stuck here. Indefinitely.

No! He closed his eyes, teeth clenching in concentration. His mother's presence was there, effervescent and fleeting. Usually she was the one to reach out to him, but now he couldn't even get her attention. Mother!

It's okay.

He jerked at the words, soft against the background static. Had he really heard them?

I'll make sure the LCL nourishes you.

"-that, um..."

We're free, my son! Finally free...

"No..." He saw his mother's plan unfold before him, horrifying in its simplicity. Though he had no idea what intricate plan would push Gendo to install an S2 organ in his Eva, the man would most certainly not have expected this. They were free from him, yes, but he would never see Rei again. Or anybody. Or anything.

No... He heard himself repeating the word under his breath over and over. Frustration strengthened his will, and he pushed against his mother, throwing her out of the way, as it were, so he could take direct control of the beast he rode. There was a sharp resistance at first, but she relented, no longer buffering him from the monster's raging mind. He was plunged into a mental storm worse than any hurricane he could have imagined. Someone was screaming horrifically in the background, and his throat hurt. Slowly but surely he closed in on himself, trying to protect the last bastion of identity, the animal hind-brain, from the gale-force winds that tore at his psyche. Huddled down on the ground of his mind-scape, his eyes closed as wailing wind and slicing rain roared around him, he waited for what seemed like ages. Nothing changed for hours, the wind and rain constantly buffeting him, giving him no respite. Finally, perhaps out of curiosity, he opened his eyes. He was no longer huddled on the ground, he was in a totally blank dimension, hanging there, no gravity, no light, no dark, no nothing.

The Dirac Sea, he realized. He was experiencing it as the Eva experienced it. This was far beyond the ninety-percent synchro-ratio he was used to, or even the horrible pain of the one time he went past four hundred percent. It was like he was the Eva, totally and completely. He looked around, but nothing changed, giving him a horrible sense of vertigo, made worse by the lack of gravity. He moved his limbs, but his position did not move at all, not even shifting. It was as if there were no physical laws governing this place. Nothing pushed back when he waved an arm laterally from one side to the other. As if there were not even a medium for transmission of anything, whether it be force or electromagnetic signal.

Wait, no that wasn't right. The farther out he stretched his hands, the more he did feel something. As if his fingertips brushed a wall near the limits of his reach. He touched it. It was solid, even if he could see nothing. He pushed, and though there was a slight give, he might as well have been pushing against padded composite armor.

He thrust his hand forward viciously, and felt even more give, and even more resistance, but whether he was close to breaking through, or whether he was about to break his fingers, he had no idea. Straining, feeling the muscles on his own arms stand out, he pushed with all his might. He could feel the barrier giving way slightly, slowly, but not enough. His strength was failing. With one last monumental effort, he pushed his arms outward, but the wall remained stubbornly intact. He could feel the last of his strength draining away, and with it his hope. Then suddenly his fingers pushed through. He only just barely managed to keep his arms outstretched, shaking with fatigue. Gathering all the energy he had left, he gripped the opening he had made, and stretched. With a suddenness that surprised him, the barrier tore, making a sound like cloth ripping, and he fell to his knees on blessedly hard ground as the patter of liquid rained down on his back. The surroundings became a hazy gray as an immense feeling of tiredness overtook him, and then he came to himself. He was no longer lying on the armored streets of Tokyo-3, he was laying on the front wall of his entry plug, everything dark. Then he passed out.

Fading in and out of consciousness, he was vaguely aware of the distant and comforting burble of people talking, of conversation. Doctors and nurses, caring for him. Softness of a hospital bed, and dimmed lights. The hushed voices grew fainter as time drew on, and he went to sleep again.

Some time later he awoke suddenly, snapping out of some vague dream to a vivid wakefulness that was surprising in its clarity. He sat up, pupils wide in the darkened room. The vividness faded, leaving only the evening sunlight spilling out from under the closed door. Stark white walls and the outline of empty gurneys were barely visible in the gloom. Sitting up, he turned and let his legs fall over the side of the bed.

Where is everybody? It looked like his ICU bed had been pushed into a storage room and forgotten. No shadows passed the door outside, and he wondered at the lack of traffic.

"Hello?" His voice echoed off the hard walls. Sliding off the bed, he swayed a bit, waiting for the dizziness to pass, his hands firm on the mattress. Finally pushing himself upright, he hesitantly shuffled to the door, pulling up open. Yellow-orange sunlight illuminated the stark white hospital storage room. He had been abandoned.

But why? And where is everybody? Oddly enough, he was in his clothes of choice, his school uniform. They must've dressed me after cleaning me up. After they rescued me. The battle, and its aftermath, came crashing down on his tired mind. He stumbled into the wall, resting a hand on it as he breathed deeply, his eyes closed.

The never-ending N2 blasts. Being caught by the Dirac Sea Angel. Finally breaking free. It didn't matter what had happened, or where all the people had gone, he would never willingly put himself through that emptiness again. If something had happened, he would find a way to deal with it conventionally, rather than killing himself and reliving it. Pushing himself away from the wall, he set off down the corridor.

Hours later, he had traversed a good portion of the hospital, and yet had found nobody. He had gotten something to eat at a hospital cafeteria he had passed. It was also deserted, but there was still sandwiches and drinks in a refrigerator. It had felt a bit unreal to wave the packets through the scanner himself, and then run his NERV card through the slot. It just felt wrong to take them without paying.

Maybe everyone's still in the shelters. Maybe the general order to return hasn't been issued yet. But even if that were the case, it didn't make sense for a NERV hospital to be evacuated. A civilian hospital perhaps, but not one that tended to the wounded pilots. Even if the main NERV hospital in which he stood had been evacuated, there would have been a triage station, or something. He should have awoken there.

Maybe they got another evacuation call, and somehow forgot about me? Fear touched the back of his mind, along with a deep sadness. It never felt good to be abandoned. He had been lonely for most of his life following his mother's death.

No! Forget it, I'll just get out of here. There's bound to be people in the shelters who can help me. He felt no shocks, or ground-quakes. There seemed to be no reason to avoid the aboveground. He set off for the nearest linear rail line.

The lone train sped up the rail, heading towards the city above. It couldn't go fast enough for Shinji. The chill in his spine had deepened. There had been no one there to swipe his card, no one to question, no one period. He had run his card through the swipe-reader, stepped onto the train, and the doors had closed.

Now he was sitting, facing an empty wall. Rei usually sat opposite him. In his mind, he pictured her there. Perhaps they were on their way to school. Her still form sat, the wave of hair moving in the air currents of the moving train, her gaze blank as she stared at the wall. She noticed his attention, and her eyes met his, question in them.

What's wrong?

The lump in his throat grew.

"I miss you."

She cocked her head to the side slightly.

Why? I'll always be with you, in your heart.

He blinked away tears, and the dust particles stirred as the train slowed, disturbing the mental image he had constructed. The train doors slid open, and he ran out as if ghosts were after him. He didn't stop running, even when he passed a startled woman sitting on a park bench, who looked up in annoyance from the book she was reading. Even though the world had taken on a subtle edge of life after he had exited the train, he kept running.

His legs pounded the asphalt, and his heart pounded in his ears as he crested the final hill to the apartment he called home. His steps slowed as he ascended the stairs, partly from exhaustion, partly from fear. Something felt off. Wrong. Ever since he had broken out of Leliel, he had felt a subtle strangeness that leeched away at him, as if trying to convert him, or send him back to where he belonged.

He paused before the door, catching his breath for a moment. It stood, tall and ominous, a harbinger of the unknown. Behind that door was Rei, but even thinking about her did not alleviate the strange flutter in his stomach.

Something's wrong. Terribly wrong...

The door opened, or rather someone opened it. He fell towards her, frantic tears gathering at the edges of his eyes. Then he noticed that it wasn't Rei. Standing before him in the flesh, was Yui. Her short brown hair was combed back out of the way, and she wore a white apron over pink blouse and brown skirt. He continued forward, shocked into numbness. She put her arms around him, enfolding him in a hug. The strangeness disappeared as if he had never felt it. His mother, and everything in that apartment reeked of realness, and the feeling rushed out the open door, filling the blank world with life.

"Shinji! How was school?" the soft melodious voice familiar in the dimness of his memory murmured in his hair, but his voice was frozen. She was physical, real, in his arms. The familiar scent of mother, the soft cloth of her apron, the loving aura as she held him, rocking back and forth gently. He was home.

He stood in the bathroom of Rei's apartment. No, of home. Warm water ran over his hands, and he rubbed them, rhythmically, over and over, his mind elsewhere.

"Silly, you act as if you haven't seen me for ages." She had pushed him away, shooing him in the direction of the bathroom. "Go get washed up, I'll finish making supper." He had almost turned in the direction of the kitchen, knowing that if he didn't make supper, either Asuka or Misato would have to. Then he caught himself physically. Yui has already mostly made supper, she had just said so. He walked slowly to the bathroom.

So here he was in the bathroom, washing up. He looked down at his hands, and stopped rubbing them. They had been clean a few minutes ago, but he hadn't noticed. For him, normal had somehow become having to make his own supper, and then having to eat it alone, because Asuka was out on the town and Misato was doing a night-shift at NERV.

But that isn't normal, he realized, walking into the kitchen. Normal for a fourteen-year-old boy was to eat supper with your family. His mother stood, working at the counter, her back to him.

"Are-" he swallowed. "Are you sure you don't want me to help?" She turned, smiling warmly as she walked over and set down a plate at his place at the table.

"What kind of mother would I be? Sit down, and eat."

He sat, and ate. She returned with her plate, and also ate. The rest of the evening was a blur of normalcy. Normal, that is, for anyone but him. That night, when she pulled the covers up to his neck and bent to kiss his forehead, she noticed the tears at the edges of his eyes.

"What's wrong?" she asked, concern on her features. She put a hand on his forehead for a moment, checking his temperature.

"Nothing's wrong, mom," he finally said, when he got his voice back.

"Good night," she whispered, kissing his forehead again and patting the covers. "Love you." She stood and walked to the door, pausing a moment and looking back, checking one more time. She was outlined by the yellow light coming from the hall, her hand on the doorknob. The apartment was warm and comforting, rearranged far differently than when he and Rei had lived there. She pulled the door shut, clothing the room in darkness. He closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep. It wasn't until the moment when he passed the threshold of consciousness that he first considered what had happened to all his friends. His acquaintances. His fellow pilots.

He gasped, coming awake suddenly. Morning sunlight outlined the room. He stumbled out of bed toward the bathroom, wiping the sleep from his eyes. He washed, and noticed that he was in his pajamas. At some point last night he had changed. He went to his closet, and found his school uniform, freshly washed and dried, along with an assortment of jeans and knit shirts. His hand wavered between his old standby, and the new and unknown. Finally he decided on a gray knit shirt and jeans.

It felt strange, but it was new. And if Asuka saw him, maybe she'd have just a touch of grudging acceptance for his new look. After she got over the shock.

Asuka. And Rei. He burst out of the room, heading for the door.

"Shinji?" Yui came out of her room, still in her night-robe. "Where are you going? There's no school, it's the weekend..."

He paused, wondering what he could tell her.

"I've gotta check something, um..." Her eyes had just a touch of sadness, and he wondered about its source. "I'll be back, I promise," he said weakly. "I will," he tried to reassure her when her sad expression seemed to deteriorate further. Finally she shook her head, banishing the sad feeling and putting a hand on the side of his head. "They grow up so fast," she murmured to herself. "It's Saturday, so you go have fun. But don't be too late coming home." The touch reminded him of something ages ago, but he couldn't quite grasp the memory. Something about watching her ascend away from him into the starry sky. She let her hand slide from his face and turned to go back to her room. He hesitated for a moment, then remembered his mission, and turned to leave.

Half an hour later, he knew something was again terribly wrong. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, that is, not until he came into sight of what should have been an entry point to the linear rail station nearest to Rei's apartment, now his and Yui's apartment. It wasn't there. In its place was a squat power substation. Shinji walked all around it, looking for a way in, as if he couldn't believe it was really a power transformer substation. But no matter how he thought about it, he couldn't summon the unreality he had felt before.

Rei's apartment is now my and my mother's apartment. The Linear Rail station isn't here any more. This is all wrong.

But it didn't feel wrong.

He continued walking, but the next Linear Rail station was also missing, as was the one emergency elevator location that he remembered off the top of his head. He knew there were more, scattered around the city, or there should have been more, but he would never find them now. He was sure of that. There were supposed to be maps scattered all around, but he had seen none of those since leaving home, so he had no way of confirming where the emergency entry locations had even been, since they were obviously not there now. With a touch of frustrated anger he put a hand into his pocket, feeling for the one thing that would give him hard proof.

Nothing. Frantically he searched all his pockets, but his NERV card wasn't there. The NERV card he had used the previous day. Finally, finally he began to panic.

It's like NERV doesn't even exist. Never existed. What about my father? He knew without a doubt, if he asked his mother, she would tell him something about a divorce, or maybe the man had died, or something. Something mundane. His steps again became frantic, as he ran to the only other location he knew of for sure.

Fifteen minutes later, his pounding steps took him through the foyer, up the elevator, and down the familiar hall. Coming to a stop before the door, his hand paused before knocking.

What would he find?

Maybe it would be empty. Or maybe Misato would answer, but not know him.

Misato.

Her door was never locked. With a bit of a grin he palmed the door control. The door slid open, bringing a sense of familiarity to the strange world. The strange world that somehow felt natural. The sound of the door drew the apartment's sole inhabitant. A raven-haired head peeked out of the kitchen, then slipped back. He heard water running for a moment, then Misato came around the corner, drying her hands on a towel.

"Shinji!" Her eyes were lit up with recognition, which eased the constriction he had felt for a few long moments. "Do you have a question about the schoolwork? I know the assignment was tough, but I'll give you a few pointers if you're really stuck." She winked at him, turning to a coffee-table to retrieve a trigonometry book.

"Misato... sensei?" He stood stunned by her reactions. She paused then stood up, a familiar alluring look in her eyes.

"-or have you come for something else? Has our little Shinji finally started to wonder about 'that' kind of thing?" She slunk up to him, taking his chin in her hand. "-well," she said a bit too breathlessly, "your sensei would be happy to instruct you..."

"Mi-Mi-Misato!"

She released him with a light-hearted laugh.

"Same old Shinji, so easy to tease." At that moment she sounded so much like the old Misato that his legs nearly gave way, then he fled the apartment. She turned, the trigonometry book in her hands again. "So what did you want to know about... huh, he left. Oh well." She set the book down and shut the half-open door.

As he jogged back home, he was almost sure he knew what was happening. He remembered something similar in his distant past, but it was just out of reach. As he bounded up the stairs two at a time, he considered the surreality of everything.

No NERV, no Rei, no Asuka, Misato is my school teacher... Actually I don't know that Asuka isn't here, but I bet she doesn't know me. Maybe she's in Germany. Maybe-

He flung open the door.

"Mom, I'm back! I-" The words died on his tongue. What met his eyes wasn't the warmly decorated abode he had left hours ago, but the same cold, somewhat cluttered apartment 402 that it should have been. The barely-working florescent light overhead cast dim white illumination over the bare walls, the bed, and Rei. Several outfits lay on the bed, along with toothbrush, toothpaste, changes of undergarments, a towel, a hair-brush. She was packing. She turned to face him, noticing his presence. She smiled, a kind of sad smile, as if she had already accepted something painful that he would soon have to accept.

She's leaving, he realized, knew somehow. And I can't go with her. He walked over, carefully, steadily, and embraced her. She put her arms around him, squeezing lightly. He reassured himself of the reality of the situation, the feel of her in his arms. She felt as real as his mother had felt.

"Don't leave me," he murmured into her hair. His voice was surprisingly steady, even though he knew the words only hurt. But they were from his heart, and she undoubtedly knew this, so maybe it didn't hurt as much.

"I have to," she said. "My body is dying."

"I know that," he answered hurriedly. "I mean, I guessed. From the pills, and from Ritsuko's visits." His breath was short, and he held her close, afraid if he let go she would disappear. Or keep packing, in spite of his presence. "We can fix that. We have all the time we need, right? Ritsuko can-" He felt her shake her head a bit, even though she didn't try to pull away.

"I'm glad you knew," she said, "even though I never found the courage to tell you."

"That doesn't matter, I don't care about that! I forgive you, just don't leave..."

This time she pushed his shoulders back, looking into his eyes as if to make sure he understood.

"I'm dying," she repeated. "The real me is dying." Her eyes left his, her gaze traveling over his shoulder. He turned, looking out the window that should have overlooked the empty dirty street. Red light spilled in, from a scene he thought he had left forever.

A starry night, an empty white beach, and reddish waves, shimmering from the bright moon overhead. Two figures on the beach, one on top of the other, crouched over her.

There was nothing more he could say, so he pulled her back to him, hugging her tightly, trying to will away the scene. But he knew it was there, even with eyes closed.

"I'm dying," she repeated once more, and this time he understood. Third Impact was ending, and so was she.

"Where will you go?" he asked.

"I don't know," she answered, and he could hear the subtle excitement in her voice, excitement at the unknown, and all its possibilities.

"Take me with you," he pleaded, even though he knew what her answer would be.

"I can't," she replied.

"You mean you won't," he said, reading it in her tone.

"You still have life, and hope," she insisted. "I do not know where I will go. Perhaps I will cease to be. Perhaps-" He held her tightly, desperately, cutting off her words.

"Please. Wherever you go, that's where I want to be, even if it's nowhere..." Desperate sadness balled up in his throat with the words. She pushed back again, holding him at arms length and looking at him sadly, as if she were about to play a trump card he had no way of resisting, even though she did not want to have to use it.

"Your child deserves a father," she said, and her words stung him, even though he knew she hadn't meant them to. His eyes drifted back to the distant Asuka, lying on the beach.

"Her pregnancy is real." Rei said, as if reading his mind.

"How... how do you-"

"Because I am connected to her, as I am connected to you." She stepped back, until all that was left touching were their hands, but she didn't try to pull away. He held them, his eyesight blurring. "I'm glad we had this extra chance. I'm glad, Shinji."

He knew there wasn't anything else he could say to her. She would not take him with her, and it was impossible for her to stay. The unfairness of the situation tore at him, but any further questions would only hurt what they had together. No matter how desperately he wanted to leave everything and go with her, if he somehow convinced her to take him, she would obviously never look at him the same way. Not after seeing him abandon his unborn child. He could feel her fading, and so he repeated the only thing that truly embodied his feelings, and that wouldn't hurt her.

"I love you," he said, his anguish nearly physical in its strength.

"And I love you," she answered.

There was a moment of disorientation, and then he was crouching over Asuka, who was laid out on her back on the sand. He still felt the same, the same anguish, the same sadness, and the same love. Perhaps he was a bit tired physically, but everything else was the same as if he had actually lived those months in that dreamland.

He looked up out over the water, and saw Rei's ethereal figure. She was wearing one of the atrociously mismatched blouse-and-sweater combinations they had bought on their one date to the mall. As he looked at her wavering form, she smiled, raised her hand in a wave, and then turned away. The last thing he saw was his backpack on her shoulder, and then she vanished.