Author's note: Sorry it's taken me a while to get this up, but life has been busy to say the least. I won't bore you with the details, though. Thanks to Hannah for reviewing my last chapter. My disclaimer still stands – S. Meyer owns the Twilight saga characters, so I'm indebted to her for bringing them to life. The following story takes place at the time of Bella's birthday party of New Moon.

Alice had been looking forward to this party all day, ever since Edward had convinced Bella to graciously give in and let Alice have free reign over Bella's 18th birthday celebration. I'd helped her with the lights – my little pixie was a little too short to reach the branches of the trees that lined our drive – I didn't mind though, since her happiness and enthusiasm were catching. I laughed as Alice excitedly bounced up and down on the balls of her feet in the foyer whispering "They're here, they're here" in a sing-song stage whisper. Our timing had been near-perfect in getting back to the house before the car lights became visible winding up the drive.

"We can hear the car just as well as you can," I said as I came up behind her, ruffling her hair playfully. She looked up at me with a playful glint of her own in her eyes and pulled my hand down onto her shoulder, holding it there.

"I know you know they're here, but it doesn't stop me from being excited… Oh, I hope she likes the flowers…" Alice was peering around the lace curtains by this point, evidently hoping to catch some sign of Bella's approval.

"Of course she will be," I comforted her as I pulled her back towards the living room. "Just give her and Edward a chance to get inside, will you?"

At that moment, Edward opened the front door and Alice raced forward to greet Bella. I could tell that Bella, although she was clearly awe-struck by the effort that Alice had gone into with preparing the decorations, was also very embarrassed that someone would go to so much effort on her behalf. Despite my not having spent much time alone around Bella, I had managed to ascertain that she did not seem to realize how special a person she was to those whose life she touched. The transformation that seemed to have come over Edward since he had met Bella was proof enough of her value, though for some reason unbeknownst to the rest of us she still did not see herself as being worthy of him. A half-smile crossed my face as I thought about my relationship with Alice, and how I still didn't see myself as truly being worthy of Alice's affection, so perhaps I could understand a little better exactly where Bella was coming from… Though, in my case, I do have more to atone for than Bella ever would.

I turned my attention back to what was happening in the room. Bella had just opened the present from Emmett, Rosalie and myself, and I smirked as I saw the confused look on her face. I heard Emmett laughing evilly outside where he was installing Bella's present before she could protest. Edward patiently explained what the gift was (a state-of-the-art car radio) with a roll of his eyes, and Alice handed her another gift wrapped in silver colored wrapping paper as she began bouncing on the balls of her feet again. "Open mine and Edward's next," Alice trilled excitedly.

Alice hadn't told me what she and Edward had gotten for Bella, so I was as curious as everyone else to see what it was. I moved closer as Bella took the gift. A second later I smelled the sweet aroma of Bella's blood and the venom filled my mouth and I could feel myself losing control. Even though I hadn't been thirsty moments before, suddenly I wanted nothing more than to feed… to take my fill of Bella's pungent blood. I pictured myself doing the act, and even though it repulsed the rational part of me to think of causing those I loved so much pain – not to mention the pain I would feel empathically as I killed Bella – I found myself powerless to fight my hideous inner monster.

Edward moved to protect Bella as I ran towards her, our bodies crashed together loudly as I growled and tried to get past him. I felt Emmett's strong grip around my torso, practically dragging me outside as I thrashed and growled louder and my demons fought to let me drink my fill as I had done with Maria. A part of me knew that I was out of control, but at that moment I was too distracted to care.

Emmett practically threw me outside, where he stood with Rosalie and Esme in the doorway. As soon as the wet night air hit my cheeks, I started to feel more like myself. The nearest I can describe it, it felt like when you've been sick with a high fever and it finally breaks – it left me feeling weak, with a horrible churning in my stomach as guilt and rage threatened to overcome me. With a quick glance at the others, I mouthed the words "I'm sorry…" before I turned and ran – where to, I didn't know right then, I only knew that I had to get away before I fouled things up even more.

I ran as fast as I could, trying to put as much distance between me and the house as I could. The trees and bushes sped past me, tiny thorns occasionally catching on my clothing and ripping it as I brushed past without a second thought. I tried not to think of anything, just to live in the moment, but eventually I stopped by the water's edge, falling to the ground and curling up into a ball. I hated how vulnerable I felt. I'd fought in skirmishes while in the army, seen the faces of the dying and dead more times than I cared to remember at that moment, and yet despite the fact that I regretted every death I had been responsible for, I couldn't seem to control myself when faced with the blood of a mere human. At that moment I loathed Bella for making me feel so weak.

I don't know how long I sat there, feeling sorry for myself and trying to gather up the courage to just walk away, but eventually I felt another presence nearby. I didn't move, already sensing by the tenseness of the emotions exactly who it was that was walking up beside me to put a hand on my shoulder. "Jasper," Edward spoke softly, breaking the silence. I didn't answer. "Come on, Jasper, we know you didn't mean it…" Edward sat down beside me, evidently determined to keep me company even though I would have rather been allowed to wallow in self-pity for a little while longer.

I lifted my head up to glare at him. "That's just it, Edward… A part of me did mean it. I can't… I can't do this anymore. It's too hard. I don't want to ruin everything for you and the others, but while I'm still here, that's all I seem to do." To bring my point home, I pictured the death I had been responsible for shortly after Alice and I joined the Cullen's which had led to us all having to leave in a hurry, before even the Quileutes had noticed that the Cullen's number had grown. Edward looked away, but I could see the muscles in his cheek tense as he gritted his teeth.

"That was an accident…" he said when he found his voice again. "But you should know that no-one blames you. Carlisle's the only one who seems to be able to handle being around human blood so easily. Even I couldn't stay there for long, and Alice left shortly after I did." He turned his gaze to look at me once again. "She's worried about you, you know. At least come back for her…"

Edward was fighting dirty, and he knew it. The mention of Alice's name left me with a longing to see her again, to draw comfort from her presence and to let her make me feel whole again. "Fine," I answered, trying to make my voice sound nonchalant, though I knew my attempts were lost on Edward as he smirked and stood, reaching his hand out to help me up. I grudgingly took it and the two of us headed back, slower this time so that I could have a little while to collect my thoughts before meeting the others.

We ran into Alice a couple of miles from the house. She stood there with her arms across her chest and a pout on her face, like she did when she was feeling hurt or angry. "You wouldn't leave me, would you?" her voice wavered as she spoke, and I guessed that she had probably had a vision of me running away when I had been too upset to return to the house. I could hear the hurt in her voice and my guilt compounded further. How could I have even considered leaving my Alice behind? I didn't trust myself to speak, so I just shook my head in answer to her question.

Edward gently slapped my back. "I'll head back to house and leave you two alone for a bit. If you do decide to go, please at least stop by and let Esme and Carlisle know first. We'd miss you, but know that you'd be welcome back anytime." With that, he ran off towards the house, and I was thankful that he had given Alice and I as much privacy as he could. He'd probably know the outcome almost as soon as we did.

As soon as Edward was out of sight, Alice ran to me and tried to wrap her tiny arms around my larger frame. I hugged her tightly to me, feeling oddly comforted and we stood like that. Alice was the one who finally broke the silence, and I could tell that during the silence she had been considering her words carefully. "We could go up to Alaska, to spend time among the Denali clan, like Edward did before when he needed to escape. Or we could go and spend some time with Peter and Charlotte. Just please let me come with you wherever you go. I don't think I could bear to be left behind."

"Alice, darling, you are my life and, if I have one, the keeper of my soul. I don't think I could ever leave you for long – it's hard enough just surviving without you when we have different classes at school," I answered back, a smile playing on my lips for a moment before I think about what she had suggested. "Perhaps it would be good to leave for a little while. I don't think I can face Bella just yet – it was hard enough facing Edward. Let's head for Alaska – I think the fewer people I have to tempt me right now, the better."

I felt Alice nod against my chest before she pulled away from our hug. "Let's go back to the house first, as Edward asked. I'll let the others know our plans, and you can change into a clean pair of pants – what did you do to get them looking that raggedy in one day anyway? Run into a rabid squirrel?"

I laughed as I looked down and recalled the tiny thorns that had ripped at my trousers as I ran earlier that evening. "No, it was the attack of the killer bushes, though if Emmett notices it and tries to find out what happened, I think you should give him your rabid squirrel explanation."

We walked back hand-in-hand towards the house, each lost in our own thoughts. I might not be totally sure what the future would hold for us, but I knew that for better or for worse, I had my Alice and as long as she had faith in me, then I had hope that my future would be brighter.