THE JOLLY GNU STRIKES AGAIN! Yes, that's right. References to The Oncoming Enemy. READ IT!
The thirteenth Doctor was pottering around his TARDIS, flicking switches, seemingly at random, but really with careful precision. Jenny, his esteemed companion, wandered in. "Oh, hello, Doctor," Jenny murmured, her nose deep in a magazine. Pulling her nasal appendage out of this spatial anomaly, she glanced up at the Doctor, saying "I like your waistcoat"
Indeed, the Doctor was wearing a natty new green tartan waistcoat over his red shirt. His long black overcoat and his straw hat were on a weathered hatstand in the corner. The Doctor wondered vaugely why such a large amount of paragraph was about his outfit. He looked up, and realised that Trine-e and Zu-zanah, those pointless robotic McGuffins from his ninth incarnation's last adventure, were standing there. "AAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed the Doctor.
"A.A.A.R.G.H.!.!.!" stated the droids. "W.H.A.T. A.R.E. Y.O.U. W.E.A.R.I.N.G?"
"Get OUT!" screamed the Doctor. "I'll blast you to INFINITY!!!!!" he opened the doors, and the droids were blasted to infinity.
At a loss for anything else to say, Jenny said; "I like your waistcoat."
Of course, we all know what happens next, don't we? Yes, that's right. The umpteenth master appeared, and yelled; "Stop repeating yourself, it's not helping matters!" However, the umpteenth master bears an uncanny resemblance to the thirteenth doctor, and thus occured an ALMIGHTY PARADOX.
The Doctor came to. Nobody was standing triumphantly over him, much to his relief. However, he seemed to have woken in a strange place, with a white mist hanging all around. He looked up, and saw the Master yawning nearby. "Where are we?" asked the Doctor.
The Master did not reply, but a man nearby did. "We're in ALMIGHTY PARADOX land!"
The Master paced over to him. "Who are you?" he asked.
"Commander Maxil." replied the man.
"Why are you here?" The Doctor asked.
"Shot meself." The Time Lord security officer replied. The Doctor and the Master shook their heads sympathetically.
"So... are you alone here?" the Doctor asked. "Oh, no." beamed Maxil. "I've got Ermintrude here to keep me company." He started stoking his plumed hat, making cooing noises. "Quite, quite mad." muttered the Master to the Doctor.
"Hmmf, indeed." agreed the Doctor, turning to see the Master trying to disguise himself as an old man of wisdom, a bloated fakir, a medieaval knight and a scarecrow for several simaltaneously inexplicable reasons. This really was the land of ALMIGHTY PARADOX. Suddenly, there was the sound of high-pitched screaming. The Doctor turned to see the screaming master fleeing from none other than Rose Tyler (you'd never have guessed), who had the words Bad Wolf tattoed across her forehead. "Of course!" the Doctor deduced. "Rose has died so much in this series, she has become a walking ALMIGHTY PARADOX." Commander Maxil started to writhe on the floor. "Of course! All I've got to do is reverse the polarity of the neutron flow, reducing the transmissive flow of anti-matter into a transpondence loop!" Maxil held a hand to his throat, then dropped it as he died, strangled by his own chicken-shaped plumed hat. "Rose will implode (yay) and the ALMIGHTY PARADOX will be over!"
"But Doctor," said Maxil's corpse, coming back to life, "This is ALMIGHTY PARADOX land. Technobabble doesn't work here."
"Does nuffink work here?" asked Rose. Maxil looked scandalised.
"Of course not!" The Thirteeth scratched his head absent-mindedly. "Rose, have a chip." he said, throwing a chip in the air. Rose dived after it with a gleeful screech. She disappeared down an inter-dimensional hole, which burped. The Doctor followed in hot pursuit. The Master followed in cold pursuit. The inter-dimensional hole disappeared in a puff pastry. Maxil began to stroke Ermintrude...
The Doctor and the Master landed in a spaceship, full of flashing buttons. "What are all these knobs for?" asked The Master. The Doctor gave him a withering look. He turned on the computer.
"Good morning, Dave." crooned the computer.
"Good morning, Chas." The Doctor replied firmly. "Get us out of here." "I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave." replied the computer. The Master had got out the script, and, seeing what comes next, began bashing his head against the dashboard. This had the effect of getting the navigational controls started, and the ship zoomed out of this dimension. Suddenly, the glove compartment opened up, and Rose ran out, squealing, pursued by a white mouse and a hamster. "Crumbs, chief!" The hamster squeaked. "Look at that horrible beast! A hideous mutant, to be sure!"
"Penfold." Said the mouse, quietly. "Shush."
"It's not a hideous mutant, it's a Rose Tyler." The Doctor explained. "You can't be a mutant if you bore no resemblance to any other creature in the first place. Oh, and by the way, it's been a while since we had a Dr Who/ Dangermouse crossover. In fact, I don't think we've ever."
"There's a reason for that." moaned the master. "But how do we get out?"
"The solution's simple! Pass me that script!" Ordered the Doctor. The Master passed. Penfold did it instead. "Ah... yes..." murmured the Doctor, flicking through the pages. "Easy!" He produced a bag of chips from his waistcoat pocket. Rose ran up, slobbering eagerly. "Gimme! Gimme!" she moaned.
"Yes, Jamie, it is a big one," said the Doctor.
"Yes, Jamie, it is a big one," said the Doctor.
"Stop repeating yourself, it's not helping matters." replied the master. A spatial convergence to the land of ALMIGHTY PARADOX opened. The Doctor hastily stuck chips to the walls of the convergence. Rose started munching with wild abandon. She shoved wild abandon away, and ate the chips on her own. A portal back to the TARDIS opened up, caused by Rose's ALMIGHTY PARADOX teeth connecting with an ALMIGHTY PARADOX wall. The Doctor and the Master scrambled back to the TARDIS. Dangermouse and Penfold returned to vintage cartoon land. Back in the TARDIS, the Doctor averted his eyes from the Master, yelling as he did so, "What, WHAT, WHAT?!?!?!" "Stop repeating yourself, it's not helping matters!" cried the Master. The portal to the land of ALMIGHTY PARADOX closed, just as Rose was climbing through. She disintegrated, to much applause. Jenny, who had been watching Eastenders while this was going on, looked up, to see the Doctor and the Master avoiding each other's eye. She sighed, and gave the Master a black eye, so they didn't look like each other anymore. The Master returned to his TARDIS, the Doctor made some tea, and Rose was a million little particles of ALMIGHTY PARADOX. All was well.
Yes. Well it is. AND THAT COULD WELL BE THE END OF IT'S BEEN A WHILE!
SCANDAL!
No, it's just I can't be bothered to write any more, they're getting repetitive and boring, and it's not fun to write read any more. Hits have dropped, reviews have ground to a halt, and my Jelly Babies are all gone. Wave it goodbye, it may make a appearance in the future, if I come up with an astounding idea, if Calla finishes hers or if someone else writes one.
Bye bye!
Bye bye!
Auf Wiedersehen!
Do svedania (damn, no Russian letters)
Uz redzeshanos (damn, no Latvian letters)
Bless (hurray, Icelandic has the same letters!)
And It's Been A While and the fellowship fade into the sunset.
What do you mean the sun's already set? Arse, so it has. Meh.
The fellowship ride off into the night. The four horsemen are drawing nearer, on the leather steeds they ride, they have come to take Rose's life, on through the dead of night. With the four horsemen ride, or choose your fate and die. Yes I mean YOU!
Look out for I Always Knew, the next series by the Scarf Warriors, and fellowship.
Mork, Brigadier and First Class Warrior of the Order of the Scarf, signing off.