BTF HEADQUARTERS
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SATURDAY, MARCH 7, 2009
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"That's one," Mulder said, as he stuck the listening device into the wall. It was absorbed instantly, and he pulled his map to find where the next one should be. They ducked into an alcove in the long, chrome-lined hallway. The space station had nearly identical architecture at all turns. It was exceedingly hard to find where one was, unless one had a picture. He wondered, in a society where pictures were nonexistent, how the BTF did it.
"Mulder, this is strange," Scully said. "We haven't seen one alien the entire time we've been here, and we've been on two floors now."
Mulder shrugged. "Don't speak too soon, Scully, or we'll be running for our lives."
"Maybe we should roll again. This is too easy."
"Let's just finish planting the listening devices, then we'll roll."
Scully agreed with a nod, and Mulder tapped the screen on his map. "Looks like the next spot is down this hall and up one level. There's a vent here that we should be able to go through—"
He was cut off by a loud screeching noise coming from the map. Immediately, he dropped it and covered his ears, wincing in pain. Scully lost her balance as the sound penetrated her inner ear and the noise stunned her. It ceased suddenly, and was followed by a loud bang. They stepped out of the alcove, and the walls on either side of the hallway had closed off, trapping them in a small area.
"What the hell…?" Scully said, looking down at the map, which was now blank.
Mulder walked over to the wall and tapped it, ensuring it was indeed solid. Then he looked up for any detectable cameras, vents, or other potential hazards. When he couldn't find any, he said, "Get the game out. We need to roll now."
Scully agreed wholeheartedly and they had the game out of the backpack and on the ground in a matter of seconds. Scully rolled a four, and moved her piece. The card popped out and she read, "'The plot thickens.' Damn it, that's not helpful!"
"Why would the map have been blown?" Mulder asked, picking it up off the floor. "It's either some kind of electrical interference coming from the station or it was blown from another source."
"We need some way of getting out of—" a clicking noise interrupted Scully, followed by an announcement in a language they couldn't understand. Scully hurriedly packed the game up just in time for smoke to start seeping through the ceiling and floors. The room was being flooded by whatever poison the BTF was pouring in, and at the same time, the map started screeching again.
They both pulled their shirts over their mouths and noses and looked around for a way out, when Scully noticed something about the screeching. It was getting more and more high-pitched. She looked at Mulder, and snatched the map from his hands. In one motion, she threw the map and grabbed Mulder's arm, dragging them both down to the ground. It hit the wall that had closed them in from the rest of the hallway and an explosion ripped through the enclosed space.
Shrapnel imbedded itself all around them, but they weren't injured. They rose quickly, and coughing as they made their way through the rubble, they came upon the chasm that separated their section of the corridor from the rest of the station. To their left, a huge hole in the wall exposed them to space.
"Come on, Scully, jump!" Mulder yelled, and grabbed her hand as they both leapt to the other end of the corridor. They stumbled upon impact and looked back to see the smoke-filled, gas-filled area in total shambles.
"Let's get out of here," Scully said, and Mulder agreed with a nod. They began to jog in the direction Mulder remembered as the way out. They could hear someone bark a command in another language not far off, and knew they were once again trapped.
But before they could turn back, the wall in front of them was suddenly vaporized and they stared not at space but instead at the porch of the Allsburg's house. Kari was standing in the doorway. "Come on, jump on before we have to cloak again!"
They ran toward the opening and jumped onto the front stairs, stumbling up onto the porch and then through the door. An impact shook the ship as something blew up a room on the upstairs, sending burning rubble raining down on the porch. One piece broke through and extinguished itself on the porch. Kari quickly closed the door and said a voice command to the house/starship. "Engage cloak, warp 9, get us out of here!"
The house lurched again, and they scrambled for something to hold onto. When the house came to a halt, and everything was still, Mulder and Scully found their ears ringing as they slowly rose from the floor.
Kari began to chuckle, and Mulder looked at her with a puzzled expression.
"You two look like you've never blasted a hole through an enemy station before."
Scully's eyebrow rose, but Mulder simply asked, "Is it time to roll again?"
"That's up to you. What did the last card say?" Kari asked.
"The plot thickens," Scully rehearsed, with a bit of annoyance creeping into her voice. "By 'plot thickens', I didn't exactly think 'get trapped in an enemy space station, nearly choke to death, jump onto a house that's really a spaceship and hurtle through space at God only knows what speed.'"
"Yeah, I hate when that happens," Mulder joked.
Kari smiled at them, and said, "Well, we got a few listening devices planted, at least. That's better than nothing. Next stop is the planet Crati. We have to interview some potential witnesses."
"Interviewing witnesses. Here you go, Scully, it's your time to relax," Mulder said.
Scully rolled her eyes, and Kari said, "You probably won't relax when you meet these people."
"They don't eat humans, do they?" Scully inquired.
"No. Plenty of cheese, though."
"Then why won't we relax?" Mulder asked.
"You'll see."
THE PLANET CRATI
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SATURDAY, MARCH 7, 2009
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It seemed like they had reached Crati orbit hours ago. Scully, Mulder, and Kari sat at the nearly destroyed, dusty and wobbly kitchen table in the Allsburg's kitchen, with electronic writing pads in front of them.
"What's your mother's mother's maiden name, Scully?" Mulder asked.
Scully sighed, and stared at the ceiling. "O'Connell," she answered finally. "What question is that?"
"109," Mulder answered. "On form 5678-5bF, and the F is capital."
Scully clicked through the forms. "Got it. What's your mother's mother's maiden name, Mulder?"
"The hell if I know…oh, just make something up."
"You can't do that," Kari interjected. "Think hard."
"Frank," Mulder threw something out there.
"If they find out you forged it, we'll be thrown out," Kari told him.
"At this point, I'm willing to take the risk," he said, nearly at his wit's end.
"Number 42, on form 1098-4cr," Scully said, and waited until Mulder got there. "'Have you ever had contact with a multi-appendaged sentient life form not classified as humanoid in the Alpha Quadrant while on vacation?'"
"I don't think you have…"
"There was the sentient octapus…"
"But that wasn't on vacation."
Mulder sighed, and put the electronic pad down. He stretched, and said, "I think I'm ready to roll again."
"You think the game will fill out these forms for you?"
"Nothing could possibly slow this process down. There are fifteen forms in front of us and they're just to gain permission to talk to the Prime Minister. And we think our government's bad."
Scully rolled her eyes, and agreed with a nod. Then she pulled the game out of the backpack and stuck it on the dusty kitchen table. She handed the dice to Mulder. "Your turn."
Mulder rolled, moved, and took his card. 'Political comedy, but make it fast.' He showed it to Kari and Scully.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Scully asked, but the refrigerator started beeping at that moment, and Kari leapt up to answer it. She opened the freezer, revealing a holographic image of some humanoid alien's face.
"Commander Kari Flienclock?" he asked.
"Yes, speaking. I'm here with FBI representatives, Agents Mulder and Scully. We're all from NASA."
"Fine, fine. I represent Prime Minister Kooga's administration. My name is Public Affairs Minister Ooma."
"Pleasure to meet you, Ooma."
Ooma cringed, and looked at Kari with a pained expression.
Kari looked confused for a moment, and then recognition dawned on her face. "Oh! I sincerely apologize. I forgot the handsign. Allow me to start over." When Ooma nodded, Kari placed her thumb in her ear, and expanded her fist to expose her thumb. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Public Affairs Minister Ooma."
Ooma beamed. "Much better." His smile faltered. "I regret to inform you that some of our protocol must be bypassed as the Kooga Administration has recently lost a bet to the Crati Moon population's administration, and as punishment, must allow visitors to enter without completing paperwork, and speak directly to Prime Minister Kooga himself."
Mulder jumped up. "Great! Let's go!"
"I assure you we would never take methods so rash as to send you down without following proper procedure, for your own safety, of course. I will arrive in a ship to dock with your house in a few moments."
Kari nodded, and placed her thumb in her mouth, extending her fingers out to him. Then she removed her thumb. "Thank you very much for your time, Public Affairs Minister Ooma."
Ooma completed the same gesture, and then said, "You are most welcome."
Kari closed the freezer door.
"They have pretty absurd protocols and customs," Scully commented.
"The planet Crati has been steeped in bureaucracy for generations. It started with the elite social class taking over, and starting a government that controlled nearly everything while most of the people sat around, ate cheese, and discussed philosophy. Pretty soon, it had devolved into disaster, as they couldn't export or import anything—no one was working. There were massive riots and the government was able to assume control again, this time mandating procedure for everything. Now the people of Crati can only engage in recreational activities that are state approved…and even their necessary biological functions are monitored by the Crati government."
"I don't even want to know how that works," Mulder decided.
"Because everyone works for the government, one member of each family is responsible for supervising a certain function of the other members in the family…" Kari started, but then stopped, and smiled. "Let's get ready to go. Remember, speak only when spoken to. Don't move unless instructed to."
They nodded warily, and followed Kari to the porch. Ooma was waiting in a shuttle when they arrived, and gave them a deep bow. Mulder and Scully followed Kari's example and bowed back.
The ride down to Crati was mostly silent, to avoid having to go through any gestures or procedures for voicing certain comments.
They descended on a large building, but not before flying over at least fifty traffic jams below, all caused by citizens getting out of their cars and hovercraft, and performing strange rituals in the streets.
Ooma stuck his thumb on top of his head and then made a clicking noise before he said, "They are all completing the 'I am angry' protocol…it must be completed whenever one is frustrated or angry. Early morning traffic tends to put people on edge."
Kari nodded, and whispered to Mulder and Scully, "If you want to make a comment, make sure you do what Ooma just did with his thumb."
"You've got to be kidding me," Scully said, and Ooma turned sharply.
He placed his thumb in between his eyes, and told them, "There is no whispering allowed on Crati."
Kari put her thumb in her mouth and then said, "I apologize for the Agents' actions."
Ooma didn't respond. He simply landed the craft and opened the door. They were escorted through a series of corridors in the building after going through three rituals—one for opening the doors to the outside, one for closing them, and one for beginning their walk inside the building.
They finally faced the Prime Minister in a conference room of sorts. He looked like the rest of the Crati—humanoid, pale skin and a small ridge on his forehead, and bright blue eyes. He wore a tiny beret on his head.
He placed his thumb in his mouth and apologized immediately. "I sincerely apologize to my guests," he stated.
Mulder and Scully glanced at each other. "For what?" Mulder asked.
"It's Crati custom to apologize to everyone when they first meet," Kari told them quietly, but was careful not to whisper. She turned to the Prime Minister. "We accept your apology on behalf of NASA."
"These are odd circumstances for meeting," Prime Minister Kooga said after gesturing that he would make a comment, "With no paperwork and such. However, it is good that the consequences of our bet with our moon weren't worse. The last time we lost a bet, they destroyed our white flag factory, and our military was crippled for months."
Mulder and Scully said nothing, for fear of missing a protocol.
"Of course, they haven't conquered us for nearly three weeks—that's an excellent record. This last bet was a friendly one."
Mulder stuck his thumb on his head, clicked his tongue, and said, "We have some questions for you."
Kari stepped forward, spun around, and stuck her thumb in the air as she asked, "Your flagship was seen surrendering to someone near Alpha Centauri A orbit around the same time that a BTF vessel dumped the body of one of the United States' CIA operatives into orbit. We want to know what you saw."
Kooga placed his thumb on his head and clicked, and then said, "We surrender to a new vessel every day. I have no record of this particular incident."
Kari spun around again, and stuck her thumb in the air as she asked, "But it's my understanding that the military keeps a record of every surrender they make, every day. Do you not have this record somewhere?"
Kooga went through the ritual, and then said, "The planet of Crati cannot get involved in other nations' and planets' affairs."
Kari was about to spin around again when suddenly, the doors to the conference room burst open and an alien boy of about sixteen entered, carrying a small device that emitted extremely loud alternative rock music from Earth. Mulder recognized it as Linkin Park. It flooded the room, and the boy in the baggy clothing and backwards baseball cap nonchalantly walked up to Kooga and pulled a laser gun. Kooga immediately put his hands up, and said, "It is acceptable if you assassinate me."
The guards did nothing, but Mulder and Scully pulled their guns on the boy.
"What is this? Who are you, and what do you want?" Mulder demanded.
"Yo, dawg, my name's Javan, and I'm from the planet Tritan IV, and I'm the dude you're lookin' for. These guys don't know nothin' about what happened at Alpha Centauri A with that CIA dude. I saw it—I was the guy they surrendered to."
"What are you…some kind of pirate?" Scully asked.
Kari nodded before he could answer. "He's a Teen Tritan," she said, and Mulder couldn't help but smirk. Matt, Scully's nephew, watched the TV show Teen Titans. "He roams the galaxy looking for music technology, and liberating any oppressed nations in his spare time. The Crati military vessel must have been a gold mine for music."
Javan nodded enthusiastically. "I scored big on that one. Got a ton of music. And some cheese, too. No weapons, though."
"Okay, why don't you just lower your weapon…no need to assassinate Kooga. He's got rituals to perform and I'm sure an assassination would create paperwork for three generations," Mulder told the teen. "If you come with us, we'll give you some more music and you can tell us what you saw."
Javan shrugged. "Okay." He lowered his weapon. "What kinda music?" he asked.
"You can have everything we've got," Scully promised him.
"Let's see what you're carrying, and I'll decide if I'm talkin'," he told her.
They left in Javan's ship to avoid following Crati protocols, and entered the Allsburg's house once more. Javan parked himself on the nearly obliterated couch in the family room while Mulder brought a laptop over and opened up iTunes. He allowed Javan to look through, and when the teen had finished, he nodded, satisfied. "Okay. You got enough for me to talk. No hard feelings, dawg—music piracy's a tough business. I got to have variety in my collection if I want to make it big and I had to be sure you weren't pulling my Targus."
Kari jumped in. "He means 'yanking his chain,' or 'pulling his leg'."
"So what did you see?" Scully asked him.
Javan leaned back. "Them BTF dudes were real bad-ass with their massive vessel. O'course, they didn't bother with the Crati vessel. No one wants what Crati has except Teen Tritans and other music pirates. Maybe those dudes that think cheese is an aphrodisiac, back on Organa II. But anyway, yeah, the BTF dropped in out of warp, ejected the CIA dude's body, and zoomed off. Weird thing was…they had a picture on the side of their vessel."
"What did the picture look like?" Kari pressed.
"Well…it looked like a NASA logo, dawg. But it wasn't no NASA vessel. Man, I don't know much else. I got the hell outta there as soon as I took my spoils from the Crati military."
"Any guess as to why Alpha Centauri A's sensors didn't pick this up?" Kari asked.
Javan shook his head. "No, dawg, no idea, promise, yo."
"Okay, Javan. Thanks for your help. You can take our music and go."
Javan pulled out a USB cord and hooked it up to his device. Mulder was amazed he had a connection for such 'ancient' technology. When the music was transferred, Javan got up and gave them a mock salute. "Always a pleasure doin' business with ya."
He left the house, boarded his vessel, and despite the fact that music isn't normally heard in space, they could all hear Stone Temple Pilots blasting from the ship before the warp drive engaged.