Chapter Four

"Took you long enough, DiNozzo." I heard Gibbs say as I climbed down his basement stairs.

"What do you mean, Boss?" I asked as I sat at the bottom of the stairs and watched him as he sanded his boat, his back turned to me.

"Don't be a dumbass." He said not bothering to look at me. "And I'm not a dumbass either, DiNozzo."

"So you know." I sighed. Why did he always have to know everything? He didn't respond but instead kept working on that damned boat. "She tell you?"

"Nope." He said and finally turned to me. "She's your partner, she had your back."

"This isn't about work or us being partners." I hissed and he just raised his eyebrows at me.

"Sure it is." He laughed. He fucking laughed. "Because if she wasn't your partner and just some random girl you met at a bar, you'd be running around right now trying to find pickles, grapes, and meatloaf. But she knows you, better than you probably know yourself. She wants you to be happy and that's why she's not pushing you into anything." He stared at me obviously waiting for some type of response, but all I could think of was that I had never heard Gibbs speak that much at one time in my life. "What?"

"Never heard you say that much." I said as I thought about his words. "But I'm not happy, she thought that walking away would make me happy-."

"So did you." He interrupted and I choose to ignore him.

"But I'm not, not like I used to be." I said as I dropped my gaze to my feet. My life is a mess, and I hate it. All I want is that summer back, when everything was in place and I was happy without having to try to be.

"You're not a jackass, Tony. You can act like it, that is for damn sure, but you're not." He said and I looked up at him confused. "If it's what you wanted and she's okay with it, why is it bothering you so much?"

"Because not all of me wanted it." I grumbled and ran my hand through my hair.

"How'd you get yourself into this?" he asked shaking his head and he started sanding again.

"What do you mean?" I asked as I watched him. "Because Boss if you don't know where babies come from-."

"I know, and I wanna know why you were making babies with Ziva, your coworker." He said evenly.

"It wasn't a one time thing, I wouldn't do something like that to her." I started and he turned to look at me.

"No, you just get her pregnant and leave." Ouch, but it was true and I deserved it. I actually deserved a lot worse.

"We didn't just jump into bed. I took her out to dinner, we went to the movies, took her to see a baseball game too." I started with a smile as I remembered sitting at the Nationals game explaining the game of baseball to Ziva and watched as she got excited when the other team, the Red Sox, did well. I reminded her that she was in D.C. and she should root for the Nationals. She looked at me confused and asked why she would root for a bad team? I didn't have an answer so I just laughed and let her crush on Jacoby Ellsbury.

"And?" Gibbs asked obviously annoyed by my pause.

"And we spent the summer together. You came back with your Rule 12. We decided it would be best to split, well she decided and I agreed." I said and wondered when I had become whipped. She said we should break up and I agreed, she said I should walk away from my son and I agreed.

"There a reason you don't fight for anything any more?" he asked as he leaned against his boat and stared at me with disapproving eyes.

"It's what she wanted." I tried to defend, but it was just another pathetic excuse. "I just want her to be happy."

"And she is happy," Gibbs said. "that baby makes her happy and he's not even born yet, you gave her that."

"Yeah." I nodded and looked away from him again. "I saw what you did for the nursery the other day, it's beautiful Boss." I said and looked up to see him smiling at me.

"She still wouldn't give you up then either." Gibbs said shaking his head with a smile. "Threatened to kick her ass back to Tel Aviv and everything, but she kept her mouth shut, wanted to protect you."

"I don't get it." I sighed and leaned back against the steps. "She should want me dead, she should have killed me a long time ago." Sometimes I wish she had.

"She loves you, DiNozzo, and that's the only reason I haven't killed you yet." He said and held his blue glare on me. "That's why she's pushing you away. You hurt her once DiNozzo, no way is she gonna let you do it again. No way is she going to let you hurt her child either."

"She left me!" I yelled and he just stared at me.

"And you turned right around and jumped into another relationship!" he yelled back.

"It's an assignment!" I said matching his volume.

"She know that?"

"No." I muttered and hung my head. "I'm not walking away anymore though. Once he's born I'll go over and stay while she sleeps and stuff."

"Right, when you're not undercover." He said and I felt my jaw drop. "Jenny's a lot easier to break than Ziva." He said and took a step towards, a new anger in his eyes. "What the fuck are you doing playing with another woman while Ziva's alone, pregnant with your kid?" Whoa, finally. I needed him to yell at me, someone to yell at me and hit me. Punish me for being such an ass. I sat there silent and he just continued to glare at me. "You love her?"

"What?" I asked completely taken aback, that and I didn't know which her he was talking about.

"Do you love Ziva or The Frog's doctor daughter?" he asked in a tone that told me he was about ready to flip shit. "It's a simple question, one word answer."

"Ziva." I said quickly. I didn't have to think about it, Ziva would always be that girl. I guess I'm in love with Ziva, it's not like I know what it's like to be in love with someone. But what I feel for Ziva is different than anything I've ever felt for anyone.

"Jesus Tony." He sighed and turned to his workbench and poured himself a glass of bourbon.

"I know." I sighed. "Everything's fucked up." He didn't comment but just gave a me look. "When did you know you wanted to be a father?" He didn't say anything for a moment, but I could tell he was thinking about it.

"Day she was born." He said with a slight smile tugging at the corner of his lips. "First time I heard her cry, you never want to hear or see your child cry." I was about to say something but he beat me to it. "I thought I wanted to be one before she was born, but when she was born I knew."

"Oh." Was all I could think of to say. I watched as he took a sip of his drink and shook my head. "I don't know how to get myself out of this." I said softly. "This mission, things with Ziva."

"You chose your job over your family, DiNozzo." He said simply with a shrug. "You have a long road ahead of you, if you choose to be with Ziva full time."

"Am I allowed?" I asked sounding much like a scared kindergartner that knew what was ahead could quite possibly be a trap.

"DiNozzo. You and David blew rule 12 to shit, so I would say you might as well ignore it." He laughed taking another swig of his drink. "But you're already pretty deep into the undercover op."

"I know." I groaned as I placed my hands over my face, trying not to scream. "Jenny says it's supposed to help my career."

"That's not a bad thing." Gibbs said and I just looked at him.

"Leaving Ziva and my son for an undercover op and letting her think I've got some girlfriend that I'm crazy about is bad." I yelled as I stood. "It's really bad."

"So what are you going to do about?" Gibbs asked as he stepped closer to me.

"I don't know." I sighed. "This isn't a movie Gibbs, as much as I want it to be, I can't rewind and start over again." When I looked at him he was smiling at me, a real legit smile. "What?"

"Nice to see you're finally starting to grow up." He said and turned back to the boat.

"Well?"

"Well what?" he asked.

"What do I do, how do I get out of this?" I asked, almost whined, but Anthony DiNozzo didn't whine. "What would you do?"

"I dunno DiNozzo." He said glancing back to me. For once I wish he would just tell me what to do and not make me think about it.

"I can't bail on this op." I mumbled.

"I know, no way she'd let you either." Gibbs said as I moved to stand against the wall.

"How is this supposed to end?" I asked leaning my head back against the wall. "With The Frog killing me?"

"Dunno, DiNozzo." He shrugged. He should know these things. Damn him. "You tell your girlfriend you're about to have a kid?"

"No. I told her my last girlfriend was pregnant and we lost him." I said and waited for Gibbs' response. "That was probably a bad idea."

"Oh yeah." He said pouring more bourbon into his jar.

"I want out of this." I complained and he glared at me.

"So you want to be a father now?" he asked as he looked at me over his glass.

"What I want is to be there, with Ziva." I admitted as I watched him closely.

"That's not gonna happen, DiNozzo." He said. "Not any time soon."

"Why? Why the fuck not?"

"What do you think is gonna happen, Tony?" He laughed sarcastically at me. "You explain how your doctor girlfriend was just a mission and that you really want to be with her and Avery?"

"Yeah, something like that." I mumbled as I rubbed the back of my neck.

"And you think that she's just going to take you back? Do you know Ziva?"

"I thought I did!" I yelled. "The Ziva I knew wouldn't have just let me walk away, she wouldn't have pushed me away! She would have told me to man up, of course after she beat the shit out of me for getting her pregnant." I said and lowered my voice. "And if I had tried to walk away, she would've killed me. I don't know who this Ziva is."

"Yeah." Gibbs nodded as he took some of his drink.

"He's gonna be here soon." I said dumbly as I stared at my hands.

"Yeah, only a couple more weeks."

"I don't know what to do." I repeated after a long pause. "If I ditch this mission, Ziva won't take me back, and I'll still only be visiting Avery. If I stick with the mission, with Jeanne, I'll still only be visiting Avery."

"It's up to you, DiNozzo."

"Why can't you just tell me what to do, tell me what the right thing is." I pleaded.

"It's your life, it's your decision." He said calmly.

"What does it matter? I don't get to be with Ziva." I said agitated as I threw my hands in the air. "I fucked that up pretty good. I'll only get to visit my son."

"You should be grateful you get to see him with the stunt you have going on."

"She left me." I reminded him. "If we were together and she found out she was pregnant, it wouldn't be like this."

"Maybe." He shrugged and set the jar on the bench and looked at me.

"I'll just leave things the way they are." I sighed running my hands through my now matted hair. "I don't want to stress her out."

"Her who, DiNozzo, Jenny, Jeanne, or Ziva?"

"Ziva." I said as I headed back up the stairs.

"DiNozzo." I heard him call and I turned back around to look at him. "You better cut this shit out with Ziva and Jeanne after your son's born. It's time you fight for something. Your career or Ziva and Avery."