Disclaimer: All recognizable character belong to the lovely, literisticly creative 'Stephenie Meyer'. Applauses in tribute

#Karen's Scribble: It was excruciating hard to write in Edward's point of view!!! He self-loathes and thinks WAY too much. The chapter is sort of just a reflection of the previous chapters but in Edward's excruciatingly hard-to-write extravagant language. I tried to write like Edward. But of course, I'm not a perfectionist like him. I forgot the mention to everybody that English is not my primary language, so I have trouble in detailed grammar. Edward didn't make my disability easier!!! For all you confused souls who are…well, confused. This is why it took me ages to update. It took me ages running my finger rustily cross the thesaurus in search of the perfect word and use of structure. Again, please excurse my grammatical errors. And spelling mistake, if appears unintentionally.

So without further ado, Slippery Snow (exhaustingly but with satisfaction) presents…

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Lonely

In Edward's P.O.V (it almost killed me, but I got there)

By Slippery Snow

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Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. The repetition of the word agitated my mind like a manufacturing music box. A melody that is swang around by meaning of my life, inspired to play by love but destroyed by one wounding truth, the melody struggles to continue like I with my life. For it is trapped with the choice of living a reincarnation or reminiscence. So instead of playing its recognizable notes, the melody clashes in confusion limiting itself on single unmelodic notes. My notes; Death, loneliness, regret, despair and of love, a love that is deceased.

I was born to be lonely, and I have every solitude moment in my pathetic living existence to prove it. I have learnt to be lonely, I have been taught unknowingly to be lonely. Through my enhanced hearing abilities of thought and speech, the atmosphere of love had always denied me. And I had denied myself to be loved romantically. I don't know what I was trying to pursue. I had everything I needed in the palms of my hands, but still longed for something out of reach. Mortals lust for this existence. But for me, this is absolute nothingness. I lied a pitiful lie not only to my worthless existence, but regretfully to my everything.

My Bella.

A little ache stung my dead heart as I whispered her name. Of course, my celestial Bella was probably no longer mine. She was my only everything that I could never possess or just to be with—blissfully, blithely.

It was conspicuous that I was love, from time to time when I would embrace her delicate body in my arms I swear I could sometimes hear my heart beat. When I would entwined my finger with hers, a nerving sensation coursed through me claiming a heartening judgement that our twin hands fitted together ever to perfectly because we were feeling the same emotion, of love.

But we would never match. Even if we fitted together perfectly like a puzzle, the picture would be eerily wrong. No matter how many times you were to rearranging it, it would be always and forever be wrong.

I was cold, she was lovingly warm. I was masochistic, she was innocent. I was a monster and she was perfectly human. Who was I to take away these memorable qualities that her possessed?

Of these dark days I have lived through I was devastatingly in absolute hell. The moment her complete passing of disappearance to death was announced, Renee screamed in pain. Every soul that knew her cried moisture of real tears. Jessica, Angela, the Blacks and even Mike were all miserably resigned with tears, as I saw in Alice's vision. All shredded tears.

All except for me.

Is death really the beginning of the afterlife that is sucked away from the souls of living that loves you? Through the tears that were wept, are they turned into money for the expense of afterlife living? Are they the water that helps to embark their newly journey? Are they the liquid that washes your sins away clean? In truth, we really do not know. But we can merely hope that these tears are genuinely received. But if it is then what am I? Of course—nothing. A person that can never embark on the heavenly road of afterlife. And even worse, one that can not even shred a single tear for their only love.

I truly am a pathetic nothing.

And here I am once again in this seductively scented room. In the guiltiest of bliss. A breathtaking image of a girl with long flowing brown hair, innocent brown eyes and the softest, warmest of skin aroused across my mind, the owner of this room.

I had no right to be here, but I couldn't resist. Every month I would visit, snicking away from Charlie's presence. Charlie never touches this room, after Bella's…death. I shuddered that the last word. This room remained serenely the same. A small bed, blue walls, yellow curtains and the rocking hair I sat on in countless nights to watch her sleep. I inhaled the flora scent of this room, it seemed stronger than usual almost as if Bella presence of here a few minutes ago. My mind has lost it completely now, I thought. But I did not care. I would rather be miserable with somewhat in the reach of Bella than to be anything else without her.

I sat in this room loathing myself. Repeatedly the same questions that crammed my mind. What have you done? Why did you…? Why must you be so selfish?

I left Bella about five months ago to save her from a life of horror that she was living in. The horror of me. I left because of I loved her, because leaving her was the only way to be with her safely. I consumed myself in this miserable life willing because in reflection, without me, my Bella would be happy and safe. I was wrong. Now she is dead still because of me.

Oblivious to the rest of the world while I was delightfully consumed in the relief that I was able to save Bella from the uncivil hands of a malicious vampire, from the hands of James, that I had forgotten about the other threats that would leave her precious life once again in jeopardy. For one, my family. The sight of Jasper's ominous eyes and his venom covered teeth about to pounce and suck the life out of vulnerable Bella was horrific. Maybe even worse then James' threatening inappropriate act. I could fight James. Kill him by ripping him into threads. But not Jasper. Not family.

Then, I was upset in the utmost when I could not even be by Bella side when she was suffering physical pain. The treatment that strung her reflected her eyes, and how I couldn't even soothe the pain away without the need of hesitation, knowing that I might be the next source of more incredible pain. A lust of blood drove the monster inside of me mad. I wanted it but I also wanted her. Like oil and water. Some much the same yet they can never combine.

So that night, I made one of the hardest decisions of the life; to leave her. Over and over I mentally noted how I could explain to how much I wanted her. Her touch, her warmth and her love and I how I must leave to protect it. But that would never persuade her. The best way was to tell her that I didn't love her. Even if it was an utterly absurd concept.

The loss in her eyes was the painful thing to experience. I had committed the worst of profanity; pure melancholy wounded my valueless heart. The moment the contemptible lie escaped unwilling through my lips, I could see the fire in her eyes starting to be engulfed in a despair of the untruth. I kissed her forehead and pathetically run. Wishing with every redemption that she would somebody forget about me, though on the contrary, I would never forget her.

And here I am. True to my promise yet not to hers. In this room where my meaning of fulfilment began.

Approximately a months later, Alice received a vision. Bella had disappeared. I took little notice since I progressively persuaded myself that she would be safe in the arms of the humans without monsters of immortality haunting her side. But after another month, Alice received another vision. An image of Bella's funeral. She was dead. Nobody knew the source of her death or maybe just nobody spoke it. But nevertheless, regardless of how she died I was prepared to join her without hesitation. However Alice foretold my contiguously succeeding plans and let Emmett held me back. After then on, I relented in my room or Bella's, enveloped with a quiet lamentation.

This is how my life was now. I would merely linger myself in Bella's room and bask in the memories I had for her. Life will never be phenomenally wonderful like was once was again. But I can define this life I live now as content.

I held the only photo of me and Bella in the tainted hands and did something natural I haven't in a long time.

I smiled. (A/N: can you picture it? I can…sighs)

Almost simultaneously, a gasp awakened from a feminine voice. I was spotted. Alertness took over ease and I burst out the window that inhumanly speed. Forgetting about the mess I left behind.

I ran rapidly through forest. So fast that my hair was windblown and the wind hard me like tiny pullet nails. But I persisted to run. The secret of the vampire must not be exposed. I have already lost my love, I can not afford to lose the family as well.

But I will return, I thought again. I was like a domesticated bird ina comfortable cage. Given food and other life essentials .And though I were to be given a chance of freedom, I will not take it. Soon or later, I will return back to my home. My shelter, my only personal support to keep me sane from this cruel menacing world.

My Bella.

Karen's Scibble------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - - -

Hope you enjoyed it better then my experience of writing it….. Let's just say it was not nice.

Anyhow, next chapter is probably going to be one of the favorite. You'll see why. Hopefully I get motivation through reviews hinthint so I can update faster. If not, do not fear. I will still update. I love my reviewers too much. But I must warn you! I progress will be much, much slower.
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