CHAPTER ELEVEN: here's to the nights

here's to the nights we felt alive

here's to the tears you knew we'd cry

here's to goodbye

tomorrow's gonna come to soon

Alex lay in bed, her eyes closed, her mind wide awake. She was lying on top of the covers fully clothed, having fallen on the bed when she got back to the hotel. She sighed and sat up, running both her hands through her hair. Her whole body was tingling with the memories of Marissa's touch. Alex felt like she was going crazy. She was trying to forget the fact that she would have to get up tomorrow and face Marissa. That she would have to see her all day.

She peered into the semidarkness when she heard the door to her room open. She tensed, hearing soft footsteps making their way through the living room, but suddenly relaxed, because those footsteps were familiar. They were painfully familiar, those secret steps in the dark night. She crossed her legs Indian style, waiting for the person to walk through the door. She wasn't surprised when Marissa walked in, her face streaked with tears.

so, tonight

so i lied

are you the now or never kind?

"I love you." Was all she said before she kissed Alex.

in a day

and a day, love

i'm gonna be gone for good again

She pushed Alex back against the bed, running her hands up and down the other girl's body. Alex caught one of her hands and entwined her fingers through it. Marissa held it against the bed and kissed her way down Alex's neck. She pulled her hand away slowly, trailing it down Alex's arm as she pushed Alex's shirt up and kissed her stomach. Alex closed her eyes and tangled her hands in Marissa's hair, letting go of all her doubts and worries about tomorrow. Her back arched against the bed, against Marissa's painfully familiar body.

are you willing to be had?

are you cool with just tonight?

Alex lay in bed, her arms and legs entwined with Marissa's. The clock read 2 am, but Alex couldn't seem to fall asleep. She looked down at Marissa sleeping and couldn't help but smile and tuck a strand of light brown hair behind her ear. Alex knew that tomorrow, or rather today, Marissa would go right back to Ryan and she had known that last night as well, but it didn't stop her from sleeping with Marissa. And it had been mind-blowingly amazing, like it always, always was. Marissa knew every inch of Alex's body and it showed.

Alex was exhausted, but her busy mind wouldn't let her drift off. She didn't regret the night before, but she did regret the next morning, if that made any sense. She regretted not being able to hold onto Marissa, make her see that she could leave Ryan, could live her own life. Finally, Alex closed her eyes letting sleep take away her exhaustion.

wanna stay

not to go

i wanna ditch the logical

Marissa slowly opened her eyes, not quite sure why she had just woken up. She glanced at the clock, which said 3:07, and then up at Alex who was sleeping. She looked lovely. Marissa smiled and reached up to touch Alex's nose lightly. Her smile faded slowly, knowing that she was going to leave soon.

She had come here last night. Not able to stay away, she had made some excuse to Ryan about Summer needing a baby-sitter for her and Aaron. Ryan had smiled and kissed her good-night. All the way to Alex's Marissa considered really going to Summer's, staying there all night, but she didn't seem to have control over her body and soon she had pushed floor fourteen in the hotel elevator.

The second she walked into Alex's bedroom, seen her sitting up in bed, still in jeans and a t-shirt, Marissa hadn't been able to keep from kissing her. And one thing led to another and here she was, the morning after, without the usual glow. She sighed and crawled out of bed, ignoring her aching muscles and pulled on her pj pants and tank. She pulled her jacket off a chair and turned for one more look at Alex. To her surprise the other girl was sitting up, watching her.

can't i stay an hour, or two

or more?

don't let me let you go

"I was wondering when you were going to leave." Alex said, her voice sleepy, but cold to Marissa.

"I have to-" Marissa started but Alex cut her off, with a wave of a hand.

"I know. I knew last night." Alex feigned carelessness, but neither she nor Marissa believed it. Marissa nodded anyway, letting Alex have her facade. She paused, her hand on the doorway.

here's a toast

to all those who hear me all too well

"I really do lo-" She started, but Alex cut her off angrily.

"Don't. Stop it. Your not allowed to say that. You're the one leaving." Alex voice was breaking with emotion. "Just. . . leave." Alex's anger died out with those last words. Marissa's eyes sparked with tears and Alex knew she was hurting the other girl. But Marissa was hurting her just as bad. "Go." The word was spoken softly. Marissa simply nodded and left. Alex sat in silence for a moment until she heard the front door click shut. Still she sat in perfect silence, tears spilling out of her eyes and down her cheeks.

here's to the nights we felt alive

here's to the tears you knew you'd cry

here's to goodbye

tomorrow's gonna come too soon