A/N: Okay, wow, I got this chapter done really fast... This is a record, swear. Granted a huge chunk of the end of the chapter was already written up well before the events at Virmire occurred, but still, I got the rest of it written up pretty damn quickly. So yeah.
This chapter is when Art gets all emo and stuff. And to that end, the chapter's namesake comes in to provide depressing music. You can check it out here: http:/ www. youtube. com /watch?v=0T7giFZ8kjA
Take out the spaces, and let the thing play. There's actually a specific spot I can think of where you can listen to it and see what I was going for. So when Tali gets her chance to talk to Art... that's when to go at it. Trust me, you'll know the approximate place when you see this symbol: -%&%-
So that's that. You'll see what happens next, right? Away chapter!
"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."
-Anonymous
Chapter 16: Mahler: Adagietto
"Damn it, Serviceman! What were you thinking, defying orders like that?"
"Ash was going to fucking die and you know it! You should've gone back to save her! Why the flying fuck would you come for me?"
"Serviceman, there were other salarians there! I went to you because that would ensure the least casualties. It's good I came when I did, Serviceman! Most of team Aeghor almost died trying to defend themselves there, all because you sent the others to the rendezvous point! Were you trying to die?"
"You wouldn't fucking understand, Shepard!"
"Oh, I understand perfectly, Serviceman! You're lucky you're not actually Alliance personnel, otherwise I would have booted you off this ship first chance I got. Defying orders like that is no small matter, Serviceman! From the way you behaved on the battlefield it seemed as if you were an entirely different man from the one I know!"
Debriefing… Fuck, this is not going well. It's bad enough my cover is barely being maintained… But then I have to face shouting from Shepard both for sending the other two salarian teams over and nearly disobeying an order. I've been sitting in my seat, and we've basically been having what amounts to a shouting match. I'm trying desperately to hold on to my cover and to my composure. Real men don't cry, after all. But it's getting too fucking hard. The rest of the crew is a little uncomfortable, and every so often I can see them exchanging glances with each other. Some are perturbed, some are very frightened, but most of them are pitiful. I don't know why, but I think they're too afraid to say anything. But… I don't deserve to be defended. I couldn't save Ash. What kind of student am I to let my teacher die?
The Commander gives me a strange look. "Maybe if you hadn't sent the salarians ahead, Ash would still be standing there!" she says.
"It doesn't fucking matter!" I reply. "There were too many fucking geth! They would've overwhelmed us even if I hadn't sent the other teams away! I was trying to keep them safe! You should've fucking gone for Ash!"
Shepard's frown intensifies as she looks over to me. "You know the reason they went back was because of you, right?" she says dangerously. "The only reason I was able to get to you before the bomb went off was because they were there to help! And they were telling me all about how you sent them away, saying you would join them later. I don't believe their 'heroic sacrifice' bullshit. You were clearly trying to get yourself killed!"
"And why the fuck does that matter?" I shout at her. "Things just fucking happened! My feeling got the better of me, all right? If anyone was to die, I didn't… I didn't want it to be anybody else! So why can't you just leave me be?"
"Because you nearly cost us all of our lives!" roars Shepard. "If you had just radioed Joker as I commanded you to, we likely wouldn't be having this conversation!"
"I wanted you to save Ash!" I shout back. "Why the fuck didn't you-?"
"We've been over this already!" shouts Shepard. "Ashley Williams was prepared to die for any cause! There were more of you and less of her when I made my decision! I did not sacrifice her lightly!"
I look at her, shaking in a combination of rage and grief. I can't believe she doesn't get it! Why won't she just listen to me for once? I—
"Commander, if I may," says Kaidan. I turn to him, and he's standing.
"What do you want, Lieutenant?" asks Shepard.
It is here that the Lieutenant nods shortly. "I've been suspecting Serviceman ********* for a while," he begins. Oh, I fucking knew it! "He always seemed to know more about what was going on than any of the rest of us, and to me this came out the most during the Feros mission and mostly when he was saying goodbye to all of us before the mission."
He breathes. Shit, I'm fucked, aren't I? No… I'm definitely fucked. Ah, damn it, I shouldn't have tried to get myself killed! I shouldn't have said goodbye! I shouldn't have met Tali at the Citadel! At least then I wouldn't be dealing with all this!
"With all due respect, Commander, I think the Serviceman is right in his own way."
Wait… what? No! You're not supposed to be jumping to my defense! No way! But…
"Alenko, aren't you pissed about Ash?" I ask. "You shouldn't—"
"You should have handled the mission better than you ultimately did," he replies. "And your behavior was always a little off to me. But the entire time you've been on the Normandy, you've never tried to stop us. That you were always—"
"Get to the point, Lieutenant," commands Shepard tersely. "I've had enough of wandering around in circles."
Kaidan nods at this. "Commander… my feeling is that he knew that this was going to happen," he says. "Somehow, he knew exactly what was going to happen. I know it sounds insane, but trust me on this. My feeling is that it was involving Ash, and exactly this scenario. I think… he was trying to save her in some way. As if to make sure that all of the rest of us got out alive…" He looks over to the spot Ash used to sit in during debriefing. "I want to be angry at the Serviceman. But the fact is, I can't. Not while knowing that he ultimately had the best interests of the rest of the crew of the Normandy and his teacher in mind. Even though he attempted to disobey an order, I trust the Serviceman. I trust him, even if he hasn't been completely honest with us. He cares a lot about all of us, Commander. And it would be a disservice to him if you punished him for insubordination."
… Holy shit… I wasn't expecting that of you. I was figuring your suspicion would actually get me in trouble… But no… You're defending me… I don't deserve it, but thanks. It's almost enough for me to forgive you in advance for what I'm sure you'll do to Shepard on Horizon two years from now. Almost. Well… I'll consider it thanks for definitively sparing your life on Virmire. Even if you don't know that it was so. You're welcome, Kaidan.
Shepard looks to her Lieutenant, crossing her arms tentatively. "I guess," she says. "But he was under orders that he should have followed regardless. And for that, he should be punished. Serviceman, you are denied shore leave to the Citadel. As well, you will not be partaking in the next mission. I want you to think about what you almost did to the salarians when you tried to get yourself killed."
Wait… what? You mean you're not letting me onto Ilos? No!
"Damn it, Shepard!" I shout back. "Why the fuck didn't you-?"
"I said it once and I'll say it again," she says. "Disobeying an order is serious business!"
… Oh, Jesus Christ on a pikestaff! I'm talking to a brick wall here! Even with Kaidan's defense, she still won't listen to me!
I cross my arms, frowning darkly as I shake my head.
"Fuck this."
And I turn on my heel and walk towards the exit of the briefing room. "Serviceman, you—!"
"I said fuck this!" I turn on my heel right at the door of the briefing room as I shout out at her. "I tried saving Ash for you! I kept on telling you to go back to get her instead of me precisely because I wanted her to get out of that fucking hellhole alive! Why the fuck won't you just acknowledge that for once and forget about your stupid fucking Alliance regs? Why won't you just… Why didn't…"
No… Ash, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry… I should've tried harder… I'm sorry… No, Art, don't lose it here… Not here…
I shake my head as I feel tears welling up in my eyes. "I'll be at my quarters," I say, my voice cracking. "Don't bother me unless the ship's about to explode."
And with this, I leave the briefing room. When the door shuts behind me, I shake my head as tears threaten to come… Shit… I could've saved you Ash… But now… you're dead…
And now… I'll never get to see my family or friends again… I spent my entire life there. Why is it that when I get the chance to go back… Oh, damn it!
I say nothing to anybody when I walk back through the ship to my quarters. When I get there, the first thing I do is to pass-protect the doors. I use Sturge's name… Oh… damn it… Why… Why…
I fall to the ground as soon as I enter my quarters, and I let out a moan of grief. I pound the floor with my fist and shake my head, tears beginning to spill out as I lay there.
Fuck you, Erik Satie! You started this mess with your stupid fucking piece with your stupid 34 chords and your stupid 18 hours of music! And now, because of you, I've been separated from everyone I've ever loved forever! I've been separated from my perfectly normal life that didn't include beating impossible odds over and over again! I didn't fucking do anything to you, Erik! Why the fuck did you fucking do this to me?
No… Shepard is the one to blame! If she had just gone after Ashley fucking Williams I would be back home… No… Fuck them both. Fuck them both to fucking hell!
I lay there for a few minutes before coming up. When I look on the bed, I see the orange paperweight that Benezia gave me, along with the datapad I had left as my farewell note to whoever found the paperweight.
Oh… Damn it… I can't believe I'm seeing it again… Oh… For the love of… Why…
I slowly work my way onto the bed and take the paperweight in my hand. I look at it, seeing the way the light shimmers off of it. I wish… I wish I could be back home… I wish you could actually hear me… Because I have no one else to talk to who'll believe me. I have nobody else who will listen without saying I've gone insane first. I have nobody else to vent my sadness and anger to…
"Oh, Benezia," I mutter softly. "If only you knew what it was to be me… If only you fucking knew…"
And I hold the paperweight to my face, letting the first tears I've shed for Ashley Williams fall slowly as I grieve for both Ash and everybody else I knew…
A few hours later, my stomach rumbles. For the first time in forever, I ignore that feeling. I've erased the message on the datapad and put away the orange paperweight that now is my only companion in this world. I'm not stepping out of this room for as long as I can. And if I lose stuff over it, big fucking deal. I'm only escaping when I have to pee or take a shit. And even then, it's when I can be sure that there's nobody in the hall. I want to avoid people as much as possible.
I shake my head, thinking about Augie. I wonder what he's watching now. I'll bet it's the first Transformers movie again. It's a shame he'll likely never get around to watching the first season of the 80's TV series. I wish he would; I spent quite a bit of money to pay for that as a birthday present. Or maybe he is watching it right now. Oh, Augie… If only I could contact you somehow… I just wish my cell phone would work the way it did in Spellbinding Radiance… Maybe then, I could send a text message or something. But no… I have no way of contacting them…
I shake my head. No… Now's not the time to think about that… But my best way of going home was just taken away. What do I do now?
"I should've thought about this better…" I say, my voice barely above a whisper. "What do I do now…?"
Oh, why—
There is a sudden knocking on my door. I jump up, incredibly startled.
"Art, are you all right in there?"
Oh. It's Kaidan. I… I can't believe he'd violate my wishes! Still… he did defend me back there… I'll cut him some slack.
"No," I say. "Just leave me alone."
I hear a hesitant pause on the other side of the door. "Won't you at least come to mess?" he asks.
"No," I say. "Have someone come down here and give me some food. That'll be fine enough."
I can sense Kaidan's hesitation by the door as there is silence. I wonder, has he left already?
"If… if you want that," he says. Okay, he's still there.
I nod, and then I hear him step away. Wait…
"Oh, and Kaidan?" I ask, my voice just a little bit louder.
I can hear him pause midstep and turn back to the door. "Yes, Art?" he asks.
I swallow, looking to the door. "Thanks," I say. "For standing up for me back during debriefing. And for trusting me." For what it's worth, I don't deserve it.
I can feel the expression he makes as he shifts around. "You know, everyone else jumped to your defense after you left," he adds. "Tali, Wrex, Garrus, Liara…. They all agreed with you for their own reasons. It was enough to convince Shepard to let you come onto the next mission."
Oh… They came to my defense after all… They really are my friends…
"I see…" I say. "Tell them I say thanks."
"I will."
And with this, I hear him step away from the door. I sit back down on the bed to think about it.
My friends here really are my friends… They care about me just as much as I care about them… Shit, maybe I shouldn't have tried to get myself killed back on Virmire. But… I'd rather be back home where everyone I knew over my entire lifetime would be than with people I've known partly for two years and only recently got to know fully. Still, I should've known this. I would've realized how hard they would have taken my death if only I had seen something like this.
Oh… Why does this have to be so fucking complicated? This is ridiculous!
A few minutes later, I hear knocking on the door.
"I got you something," says Kaidan as he sets the tray down on the floor. "I'll leave it by the door so you can get it."
I nod at this. "Thanks, Kaidan," I shout to him.
I hear him step away. Okay, let's see if he really is keeping to his word. I walk to the door, type in the password with my omni-tool, and listen as the door whooshes open. I look down and see a tray of still hot food with a nice glass of water. I peer through the hall to see no trace of the Lieutenant. He doesn't cloak like the Infiltrator class can in ME2, so… I guess the coast is clear.
I grab the tray and bring it in, the door closing behind me. It automatically locks, thank god, so I just bring it to my desk and set the tray down. I grab the fork, and prod my food.
And then, I give it a good look, and have an odd feeling of déjà vu. I know I've seen this kind of plate somewhere before, but… but where have I seen it?
Oh, well… I'll think about that later. I bring my fork over to the food and test the waters, so to speak. I prod it, and then twirl it about in my fork before bringing a forkful up to my mouth. Creamier taste than most, chicken… and that's pasta?
I swallow, almost too quickly for my own taste.
Shit… This is chicken alfredo…
And it was Ash's favorite mess item.
Oh… Damn it! I couldn't save Ash… I can't believe I couldn't save her… I was going there mostly for me… but it would have saved her too… Oh, Ash…
I place my fork back on the tray as I begin to cry anew. I'm sorry, Ash. I failed you. I failed you so hard it's ridiculous. I didn't deserve to be your student. I'm sorry too that I gave you such a hard time… Oh, damn it… Shepard should've gone for her! At least I would have gone wherever I would have from dying knowing that she was safe!
Damn it all to fucking hell!
It takes me a few minutes to get my nerves together well enough to pick up my fork again and continue eating. The food isn't too bad, but now there's the bitter taste of tears. And as I eat it, I can't help but feel guilty about it. Ash… I'm so sorry.
When I'm almost done, however, I notice that I can't get this one piece of pasta on my fork. I look down at it and sift my fork through it again. Oh, come on, you son of a bitch! Stick to the fucking fork! Come on! I keep on jabbing it again and again, my movements getting more frustrated. Come the fuck on! Get on the fucking-! Jesus Christ, do as I-! Damn it!
I let out a yell after about the twelfth time of trying to get the pasta on my fork. I grab the plate then and hurl it against the wall, a crash sounding out as I turn my attention to the now empty glass of water. I grab that and hurl that against the wall, the crash of glass resounding through the small room as I grab my tray. Almost without thinking, I begin to bang the thing against the projector for my terminal, the metal resounding with an incredibly loud clang as it dents. I end up hitting it against the desk, the metal clashing loudly as I then toss the tray into the wall where the shards of glass, the food, and the plate now rest. At the end of it all, I stand there and breathe, my eyes wide and deranged as I look upon the mess I've made.
Damn it… Why couldn't I have saved Ash? This is unfair…
I shake my eyes as my rage quickly melts away. I lay down on the bed and cry again.
Ash… I'm so sorry I couldn't save you… I'm sorry I had to be the one to be spared… I'm so, so sorry…
I shake my head. Fuck... Men don't cry… I can't let them see me like this… I'm staying in here for as long as I can… And I'm never coming out, not even to take care of hygiene… I need time to get over my failure to my teacher, my friend, the gunnery chief, and a squad member that I grew attached to both as a gamer and as a soldier.
When Kaidan came by the next morning seeing that I wasn't ready to budge, he left breakfast over. I couldn't eat it without getting angry and throwing that plate against the wall either. Why did Ash have to die? I don't get it…
I sit in front of the damaged terminal, holding my head up with my hand.
I know my family cares. And only now I'm beginning to realize what I lost. I was beginning to get annoyed with them. At first, I knew I wouldn't be hearing from them, and that came as something of a relief since they never learned how to leave me alone while I was back home. But now, I can see why they did that. With no word on the state of their son… Oh, damn it…
Now I realize why they wanted to hear so much from me. It gave them some form of security. A form of security that they don't have anymore, regardless of what happened to me over there. And now, I don't have the knowledge that they're safe and that life for them is going on as usual. Hell… They could be taking Augie to the keys or yelling at Anneli again… But somehow it just won't be the same because I'm not there anymore. They'll never feel so happy with Augie there because they know I'll never be able to join them. They'll be harder with Anneli because they're afraid of losing another child.
My parents really do care about me, and only now do I realize it. Shit… I should never have played that Satie piece. If I hadn't, I would probably be at home, enjoying another of Pupa's meals or having a nice telephone chat with Joc or visiting New World again to say hi to Sturge… I'd never have met anybody here, but at least they would know I was safe.
And I would know they were safe. The scariest thing about all this is that I'll never know what's happening to my family. If I could go back in time… I would go back to the day before I played that Satie piece and called everyone I ever cared about and said goodbye…
I… I didn't just fail Ash. I failed my family too.
An abrupt knock interrupts my thoughts, and I bolt up in my seat.
"Art, are you all right in there?" asks Garrus' voice from the hallway.
Oh, god damn it, I told them to leave me alone!
"Leave me alone, Garrus!" I shout.
The turian is silent at the other end of the door as I turn to face it. "Art, this can't be healthy for you," he says. "You should come out."
"Fuck you!" I say, shaking my head. "I don't want to come out!"
"You're not doing well in there," he says. "Maybe if you came out and talked to us… Maybe it would—"
"I don't expect you to understand," I snapped back. "Just leave me alone or I'll space you and every other motherfucker on this ship!"
Garrus is rather silent at this, and I shake my head as I feel the tears threatening to come again. Thank Jesus my door is locked right now.
And then, I hear the sound of his footsteps wander away from the door. They fade away, and I shake my head.
Just leave me alone. I want to think for a little bit here!
Dad… I know we weren't on the best of terms… But I wish you could know how much I care. You were no Ethan Mars, but you did what you could for me when I was there. Even when we grew distant… I hated you for getting angry for no reason… but now I know I was wrong to do so. Now I know why Tali regarded me so coldly when I told her I grew to hate him. It was a disservice to everything he had ever done for me. Now I know…
I wish I could see him again, if only for one moment. I wish I could see him again, if only to say sorry to him for every time I got angry at him over the fact that I wasn't being listened to. I wish…
Oh, what's the use of wishing?
I shake my head and continue to ponder.
Liara attempted to get me to leave the room about an hour later. That went about as well as you'd expect. I threw my lunch at the wall again. I haven't been able to have a single meal where I don't throw something at the wall. It's beginning to show; it's beginning to really smell in here.
But in my book, it doesn't matter. I don't want them to see me so broken up like this… Especially over something that happens all the time in war. Achilles in Vietnam talked about the death of a special comerade, but I don't think of Ash as that special comerade…
I ponder back to Pupa. Oh, Pupa… You were the sweetest person. I wish I could tell you that. Going to lunch with you when I came home from Boston was one of my favorite things to do in the entire world. Even if you're a Republican and I'm a Democrat, it was always interesting to see what we would talk about here. At least you weren't tea party… And the food was always good. But I loved them mainly because I loved to be able to talk to you. It was enlightening… and I'll never forget some things we've talked about as long as I live.
I wish I could be in one of those situations right now. Not trapped in the Mass Effect universe like this… I'm at least glad I got to tell you it was so when I came for my last winter break. It makes the recollection a little less painful than it would have been otherwise.
I still treasure those moments… I wish I could live them again…
No. I wish I was still back home. I wish… I wish I could see my family and friends again. I wish I could just get back to composing and playing my viola. I need those more than ever before. And the worst part is, I can't get back home now through a plotline death. Maybe if I stayed on the Normandy, but I have a feeling that wouldn't work as well as I'd like since XO Pressley was the only really major character who died on the Normandy when the Collector ship attacked it. Plus, knowing my luck Shepard would probably shove me into the escape pod the way she should've when Joker refused to comply.
Fuck… I just want to go home!
I'm startled by more knocking on the door. Oh, for the love of—
"Art, I've come here to tell you that you've just lost the game!"
Wrex. He's the only one that makes me lose the game so regularly. Not like I care right now.
"Fuck you," I reply bitingly. "I thought I told everyone who came before you to leave you alone!"
"Kid, you can't just stay in there forever," he says. "We've all gotta come to terms with grief."
"And what the fuck do you know of it?" I ask, glaring at the door. "You wouldn't understand what I'm going through right now!"
"Art, krogan know war," replies the krogan. "We know it involves death. Ash was prepared—"
"This has nothing to do with that!" I shout, flaying my arm out. "We couldn't save her! I couldn't save her! She could've been saved! That's what this is all about! Not about Ash dying! It was totally preventable, Wrex!"
"And then yours wouldn't have been preventable!" he replies. "Art, come out."
"No," I reply simply. "Kaidan, Liara, and Garrus couldn't change my mind. You won't either."
"Art… I'll keep on making you lose the game until you come out," he said.
"So I fucking lost the game!" I shout. "Big fucking deal, Wrex!"
I can almost feel the krogan shaking his head in disapproval. I hear him shift in his step before continuing. "This isn't just about Ashley's death," he says. "There's more to it."
"More than anybody on this ship would understand!" I reply. "I doubt even Liara would understand! This is something I have to deal with on my own!" Now go away!
"You don't have to deal with anything on your own!" replies the krogan. "You helped me get my armor back without knowing half the reason it was important. Let me help you out here!"
I shake my head. "That's different," I reply. "You don't know shit about me. Hell, you don't even know where I'm from, except that I'm from Earth!"
"It's better than nothing," replies Wrex. "Now come out and tell me what the problem is."
I stand up and walk straight to the door. "Go away!" I shout at the krogan. "I don't want anybody at my door anymore! Leave me alone!"
"Art, you're not—!"
"I don't fucking care what anybody on this ship thinks!" I scream out. "I just want to be left alone! And the same goes for you too! Go fuck yourself, you stupid fucking krogan!"
There is a palpable tension in the air as I say this. Wrex is silent.
And then, without a word, I hear him stomp off angrily. I think he's going to go punch something right now.
Let him go punch something. Maybe even draw my face on it. I deserve no less. Oh… Oh, what have I done? I think I've alienated him…
No… I don't know…
Oh, damn it! I should never have given myself a cover story! At least then I could tell them what it is to be separated from everybody you ever loved and cared about for all eternity! But no… Damn it!
I should've thought of this when I came up with the cover story! Damn it…
Stupid, Art! You're fucking stupid! I bite down on my hand, having nothing sharp to cut myself with other than the knives: and I know that's going to force me to come out when my hands get infected from the cuts. I bite it until I feel the tears well in my eyes once again. I'm fast running out of tears to cry, I've been in such grief.
Just… Why?
I don't know anymore. And maybe I never will.
Oh… What's the use! I'm trapped here, and I'm never going back… And I…
Oh, damn it!
I run over to the metal wall and punch it as hard as I can. My fist collides so hard with the metal that I can't help but rear it back and punch the wall again. I punch it repeatedly, letting out an inarticulate syllable as I do so. The tears come freely now, and I only continue to hit it until my fist can't possibly take it anymore.
And just as suddenly as I start, I rear back, the dull pain in my knuckles reminding me of what I did to myself. I see them bleed a little bit, but I don't care. I deserve everything that happens to me from here on out.
I shake my head and wrap it with one of the napkins that didn't end up in the decaying food that used to be my meal before pacing around and crossing my arms. The bleeding stops… eventually. And I'm left to my own devices again. I begin reviewing my life with a certain amount of sadness now tinting each and every memory with the knowledge that I would never see any of the people I shared those memories with again.
I paced around for about three hours before I worked up the nerve to do something else. I decided to sit on the bed and think for a while.
As I sit on the bed again, I hear footsteps outside of my door.
"Art, open the door!" Tali. Well, it looks like she joined the bandwagon of people trying to prove something to me.
I shake my head. "Just leave me alone!" I say, bringing a palm to my face. God, why won't they just leave me alone? Can't they see I want to be left alone?
"All right, that does it!" shouts the quarian. I hear her type away at her omni tool, and then the door to my quarters open against my will.
I panic, and stand up, hoping to shove her away. But she's already in, and sees the carnage I've left in there. The remains of the plates, the dented projector for my terminal, the various broken pieces of glass littering the floor... she sees all of it.
And she's speechless for a few seconds, the door hissing shut behind her.
"Keelah, Art," she says, voice chock full with horror. "You're really not taking Ashley's death too well."
"It's my fault I couldn't save her," I reply. "It's... I don't have anything else to take my rage out on..."
Tali shoots me a glare, and I could feel the venom in it right then and there. She is obviously not amused before she crosses her arms.
"You will start explaining exactly how you felt for Ashley, now," she says. "How exactly did you feel about her?"
Fuck... I can't do that... I can't tell her I planned to die on Virmire... She'd think I'm nuts!
I shake my head. "Tali, you know just as well as anyone how I feel about that," I say. "I was never in love with Ashley."
"Then why all this?" she asks, gesturing to the room. "There has to be some explanation for this behavior! You wouldn't just act like Rambo on your room for someone you only liked as a friend."
"Someone who thought I was an annoying prick," I retort, shaking my head. "I didn't feel anything for her, Tali!"
The quarian is not convinced. "You're lying," she tells me. "And you're hanging on to it."
"No... Tali... please..." I say. My cover is beginning to crumble. I can't... Must hang on to what I have...
"Damn it, Art, don't be a bosh'tet!" she says. "You can tell me what the problem is."
"But I can't!" I say, holding myself with tears threatening to spill out of my eyes. "I didn't feel anything for Ashley!"
A harsh slap greets me, and I stumble back. I grip my chin, feeling a sting where her three-fingered hand had slapped me.
"Please, Art, stop lying to yourself!" she shouted, pointing a finger at me. "Did you have feelings for her?"
"I did not!" I scream back, barely able to hold my tears back. "I did not!"
"Then why the hell are you so angry?" she asks.
"Here's a better question for you, quarian," I say, beginning to lose my composure. "Why the fuck do you care?"
She shakes her head. "Because, damn it, you're taking this too hard!" she says. "I'm worried about you, Wrex is worried about you, Garrus is worried about you, Shepard is worried about you, Liara is worried about you, Chakwas is worried about you, Kaidan is worried about you... even Joker's beginning to think something's wrong with you, and we both know you haven't socialized with him all that much! Damn it Art, we all just want you to get a hold of yourself!"
"You wouldn't understand," I say, turning my back to her and shaking my head. "You just wouldn't."
Tali shakes her head. "We won't understand, because you won't tell us," she replies. "Why are you so angry over Ashley's death?"
"Because I knew she was gonna fucking die!" I said, shaking my head and holding myself all the harder as begin to shudder, barely able to hold the tears in. "And I couldn't fucking save her when I-!"
"Keelah, Art, we knew that!" says Tali, throwing her arms up in the air as she begins pacing around the room. "Damn it, Art! Why are you-"
"You don't fucking understand! I knew she was going to fucking die since I fucking arrived at the fucking Citadel!"
The words are out of my mouth before I can hold them in. When I turn to face her, I suddenly realize what I've said, and suddenly I'm shaking all over. Fuck... I blew my cover... Shit... Shit...
Tali seems surprised, all the tension she had having evaporated. Now, her body language shows off being confused. She edge closer to me.
"What do you mean?" she asks.
I can still save myself. I have to. My cover story is all I have... I can't just...
"Tali, just leave," I say, turning around, a tear trickling down my cheek.
"No." Her reply is simple. I feel a three-fingered hand on my shoulder, and then she turns me so that I'm facing her. "I'm not leaving until you tell me what happened. How did you know she would die before you even met her? How did you know she existed?"
I shook my head. "You're still angry with me," I say weakly.
She shakes her head, her hand leaving my shoulder. "I am, but you're... You're not making sense," she said. "And it's scaring me, Art. Please, just tell me. All this hiding behind the door can't be good for you."
I... I can't hold my cover anymore. Not to Tali. Oh... Oh, what have I done? All she's ever done is show me kindness after kindness, and now I'm shoving her away. God damn it, she doesn't deserve this, least of all from me. We're each other's best friends on the Normandy. I can't... It's not fair. I need to stop lying to her. She deserves better. I... I'm going to tell her what really happened on the top floor of the conservatory. And if she doesn't believe me, fuck it. I don't care...
"She or Kaidan," I correct her, shaking my head. "I didn't know which..."
At this, she gives me an inquisitive glance, and she comes close to me again. "Art, what are you talking about?" she asks.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
I... There's no turning back. My identity is compromised the minute I decide to do this. I... I can't... I have to... It's...
"Tali..." I begin. "I... I've been practicing a huge lie on everyone concerning my actual identity. I... It's not fair... And... And..."
"And what?" she asks, coaxing me along.
"And... I think you deserve better," I say, shaking my head. I sniffle slightly before I continue. "Tali. I'll tell you everything. But I must ask you one thing: what I tell you now, is something that you must never, under any conditions, repeat to anybody else. No one must know about who I really am."
She tilts her head to the side. "Why?" she asks.
"For too many reasons," I say. "The least of which being that it'll confirm Kaidan's suspicions..."
Tali nods, standing there. She seems to be deep in thought as to whether to allow me. She'll probably do it anyway to get me out of here, but you never know with this things. After all, she is Tali: she wouldn't do something unless it's for everyone's good. And when I get a reply, she's draping an arm around my shoulder.
"All right," she says, gesturing to the bed. "I... I won't tell anyone. But please, no more of this hiding behind the door once you tell me, all right?"
I nod. "Thank you," I say. I take a seat on the bed, and Tali sits next to me. There is silence between us for a few seconds as my heart pounds against my ribcage in a way that I've never felt since I had sent in an application to those summer festivals. I... I need to gather my thoughts. Fuck... Only have one chance to do this right...
"Tali..." I say. "Before I begin, this goes back to before I even met you. Before you even knew I existed."
The quarian tilts her head to the side as I fish through my pockets. I keep my cell phone in my casual clothing's pocket, and so I pull that out and show her the thing. She glances down at it, nervous. She gives me a glance as she takes a hold of the phone. Glancing at me, she points to it.
"A vintage phone?" she asks, curious about what she is looking at. "I had heard about these technologies from Liara. I never thought I'd ever see one."
I shook my head. "It's not vintage," I say. "Where I'm from, it was all the rage. Turn it on."
"Art?" she asks, a litte confused.
"Tali, just... please, do as I say," I reply, feeling more nervous as I don't feel the tears coming on again.
-%&%-
She does so, and is surprised when the screen springs to life. "Keelah, Art, this thing is in working condition!" she said. "Why didn't you sell this instead of your wallet? You could have made..." She stops when she sees the morose expression on my face. She instantly stops, whatever she had in her mind instantly dying as I gesture to the object.
"Look at the date," I told her.
She glances down at the phone, but when she sees the date, she leans forward. Glancing at me and then at the phone, she nearly drops it if the fact that her hand is shaking says anything.
"2010?" She's so shocked she isn't even able to mutter Keelah. "Art... This phone's calendar is messed up! You know as well as I do that it's much more than 100 years after that!"
"There's no way to change the date on that thing," I reply morosely. "And even if there was, it wouldn't make a difference. Where I'm from, that's the correct date."
She glances at me, and I can feel her expression from where I'm sitting. "What do you mean?" she asks.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Here we go. There's no turning back once I say this.
"Tali, I... I'm from another dimension. Another dimension where that is the correct year."
There. I said it. I can hear a timpani roll behind me, but I know it's myself, so I make no comment on it.
She is silent for a bit, and for once I can't read her expression. I face the wall where the dented terminal rests, and I shake my head. "There was no stimulant trip," I say. "I never stowed away on some god damn cruiser. I was just sitting in a conservatory before I found myself in the Citadel... It's too complicated to explain... But it was a piece I was playing. I was trying to play it to see hallucinations... And it worked... It worked too fucking well..."
"So you're a dimensional traveller?" she asked me. "You do this instead of... whatever you told us you were doing?"
"No," I reply, shaking my head. "I'm still a musician. It was just that one time. I didn't even know I would get teleported to another dimension when I tried it."
Tali shifts slightly on the bed, edging closer to me. "And... What does this have to do with this situation?" she asks. "How does this mean that you knew what would happen?"
I sigh. "Tali... In this alternate dimension... this... you... Shepard... the Normandy... the Reapers... everything..." I gulp. Here comes the shocker. "It's all part of a video game back in my dimension. They call it Mass Effect. And... And it is exactly all this..."
I turn to her, trying to hold back a tear. "That's how I knew about... Ashley," I say, hesitating slightly when I say the gunnery chief's name. "I know everything about what's been going on. Saren, the Reapers, Benezia, Virmire, where the Conduit is, your salvation, the fight with Wrex... I knew about everything. I made the move to join the crew with the intent to give myself a purpose here. I knew what I was getting myself into. I couldn't tell anyone because... Well, first of all, they wouldn't believe me, and second of all, because it would rob me of my ability to tell the future. What little of it there is, as a few details changed. It's... It's incredibly complicated. I'll tell you everything later..."
Now I can read her expression. And she is so shocked by this that I can feel it in a palpable form next to me. "And that's not all," I say. "They released a sequel to this game three months before I came here. So... I know what'll happen to the crew for the next two years. I know the fate of this ship is to be destroyed by another ship it can't see coming. I know that we'll be going into a mission that none of us might be able to return from in more than two years. And I know that you will be serving on the starship Neema once you finish your Pilgrimage."
At the mention of the Neema, she jumps up. "What?" she says. "You know of the Neema? But..."
She shakes her head. "Keelah, Art," she continues in disbelief. "This... You expect me to believe all that? But... That is insanity. I... I know I should trust your word, but... We are a video game in your world? And you arrived here by playing something? Are you delusional?"
"I swear to God, I'm not..." I say.
Tali crosses her arms. I can tell she is not convinced by this. But at the same time, she seems willing to give me a chance. I should be thankful for that at least. "Then tell me something that you know that you shouldn't know if this... this game didn't exist," she says. "Other than the existence of the Neema. You'd have to be either extremely stupid or extremely delusional if you think I can be convinced by that."
I nod, thinking of a detail that she had never told anyone on the first Normandy. Clasping my hands together, I turn to her.
"The greatest sign of trust between two quarians is when they link suit environments," I say.
She whips her head around violently, looking at me incredulously. "Art?" she asks. "I never... How did you-?"
"You say it yourself in the sequel," I reply. "You feel a little sick at first... But as you adapt to the other's suit, you get better. It's the most intimate thing a quarian can do since you never take your suits off even among family. And so, linking environments is your way of showing that you trust them enough that you would risk your life to see their true face. It signals a need for intimacy."
Tali is speechless for a few seconds. She puts a hand on her breast, and I hear her breathing. She seems very stressed by all of this information, but nothing can seem to get through to her.
So I continue talking. "I know it's a lot of information for you to process..." I say. "And I don't expect you to believe all of it. But I swear, it's true... The details are really complicated, but I swear by the river Styx I'm telling the truth. It's why I tried so hard to convince Shepard to go to Ashley. I knew Ashley was gonna die if I didn't do something, and even if it was between her and Kaidan in the game, I still knew it would happen..."
Tali is silent for a little bit. And then she nods, and I notice her shoulders relax slightly.
"Nobody but a quarian would know what you just told me," she says. "And a quarian would never say it to another human unless he or she feels strongly about it. I never told you about it, and you lived on Earth your entire life... So I have reason to believe you. Art... I... I can't imagine how it must be if it's true... I mean, you seem to hold this game in high regard, but... It can't all be pleasant."
I shake my head, feeling the tears come slowly. "That's... the bigger part of why I'm taking this all so hard," I say. "Tali... You've got no idea how bad it is to be completely cut off from everybody you care about..." I pause as I attempt to gather my composure, attempting to hold back my tears. "It's hell, Tali. Back home... It hurts me to think about what everyone I knew is thinking. Mom and Dad are definitely worried as fuck, and the worst part is that I have no way to tell them that I'm alive and well and that they don't need to worry... And I've got no way to assuage the rest of my incredibly large family. I can never talk to Joc again... I'll never be able to talk to her about fanfiction and the Beatles and Rock Band and inserts... and I'll never be able to talk to Sturge... Sturge... my best friend in high school, and my biggest influence on who I am... I'll never be able to talk to him about Wagner operas ever again... It's..."
I take in a breath of air. "But what makes this all the worse is that I had my only way of going home taken away from me..."
Tali does not miss a beat in replying. "Explain," she says, although her tone beckons me.
"I got here by playing something called Vexations," I reply, shaking my head and trying to keep the tears from falling. I have to be strong. "It..." I sniffle in here. "It's a piece written by a man named Erik Satie which is thirty-four chords played over and over for eighteen hours. I tried doing it for six. That's how I got here; I hallucinated so horrendously that... I don't know... And I don't know why it happened either... It just... did... Don't bother asking me for the scientific explanation, your guess would be as good as mine."
Tali nods. "What's stopping you from doing it here?" she asks.
I shake my head. "Vexations doesn't exist in dimension," I say. "I did an extranet search on Erik Satie, and I found absolutely nothing. I looked up the piece itself, and the one thing I found on it didn't match the description or the instrumentation of the piece as it is back in my dimension. So... I have no way of going home. And then Virmire came along."
Tali tensed. "So you are angrier about Shepard rescuing you," she replies, slightly hesitant if the appalled tone of her voice indicates anything. "And if I'm hearing it right, it's because you postulated that... you would be back home."
I nod grimly, sighing softly. "It was the best solution," I say. "I insisted on going with Shepard so that I could guard the bomb. I hoped that in the blast, I would find a way back home to my dimension. Stupid, I know, but it was the only thing I could think of that would help me get back home. Dying, I mean. I mean, so many others I've read about have died and gone to other places... so I figured, why couldn't I?"
"You do realize how ridiculous that sounds, right?" asks Tali.
"Yeah, I do," I reply. "But then, so does travelling to another dimension by doing something that isn't even supposed to kill you. And yet here I am."
The quarian nods in agreement. "Too true," she says. "Hard to believe, but it happened anyway. Why not just let yourself die on the battlefield?"
I shrug, still feeling quite down. "Well, first of all I wouldn't get the chance to save Ash, and second I wouldn't get away with it." I take a deep breath, fighting to keep my composure together. "I think if I had died... it would have worked out for all of us. Ashley and Kaidan would both still be alive, I would be back home, my friends and family would be relieved that I had returned, and... and I would be back to being a conservatory student, having a purpose that didn't involve killing everything in sight. But now..."
A tear rolls down my cheeks despite my best effort to hold it in. "Now... I'll never know," I say, my voice becoming shaky. "I'll never know if it would have sent me back. And now I'll never see Joc or Sturge or Mom or Dad or Pupa or Anneli or Augie or any of my other friends again. And I'll never get to see my beautiful red viola again. And Ashley is dead despite everything I did to try and convince Shepard to save her. Now... I have to live with with all that... I... I don't know... It's just... I... I'll miss them... And... I..."
I can't take it anymore. But I have to stay strong. I have to. For my own sake. A knot forms in my throat, and I shake my head softly.
I feel a hand on my shoulder, and Tali looks at me. I can't understand her expression... What is she feeling?
"Art..." she says, voice seeping in tenderness. "I... I had no idea..." She hesitates briefly, patting my shoulder and causing her to look directly at the two glowing daimonds behind the face mask. "Art... If it makes you feel better... You can come to me... I don't care what the rest of the galaxy does... But you're my friend. I can't just let you sit here and carry this burden. If you have anything you want to tell me about this dimension that you're from... anything at all... you can come to me. Let me help you carry your burden. You can tell me anything. Art... I'm here for you if you need anything. And I promise by Keelah that I won't turn you away."
What she tells me was completely different from what I expected. It's so... beautiful... And... I didn't think she would... She should have rejected me. Turned me away. But here... She's offering me something... I... I can't believe this...
And now I can't hold the tears back. "Tali..." I say, just under my breath.
I don't get to say anything else before she gathers me into her arms slowly. I instinctively wrap my own arms around her, and as she cradles my head against her shoulder sobs wrack my body. I close my eyes, and I finally cry all the pent up tears on her shoulder noisily. She simply holds me, patting my back comfortingly as she whispers soothing things into my ear that are just soft enough for me to not be able to translate effectively.
I spent an hour with Tali. I had cried all of my tears for ten minutes, and then I told her about all of the things that changed between the universe and the game. She listened attentively, never once pushing for an answer or being angry with me. She even talked about a few of the things with me, and for that I'm grateful. It helped me do some soul-searching, and I was so happy by the time the hour ended I was nearly crying again, this time from happiness.
She wiped a few of my tears for me with a trailing hand as I admitted that it also felt wrong to not hold some kind of memorial for Ashley. She agreed with me, and then she suggested praying. I agreed to a variation of prayer, and then she helped me clean up the mess that had taken over my room before I showed myself to the rest of the crew of the Normandy.
I'm glad I'm away from the crowd now. It was a bit hectic, with everyone asking me if I had gotten over Ashley's death. I told them that I had a long heart-to-heart talk with Tali that helped me and nothing more. Tali kept her word, and she confirmed that it was nothing more. And so, I had my first meal where I didn't toss a glass at the wall in rage and sorrow.
And after that, I moved over to the spot Ash frequented when she was still alive. The display was still glowing yellow, and Tali was standing right by my side as I looked down solemnly. I thought about how Ash liked this spot, and I remember that on some days there was a photo of her sisters seen there. I didn't know she had kept that there from the game. It always helped me to put things in perspective. Sure, she was hard on everyone she met, but the photo reminded me that she was still concerned for her family as much as anyone. It sort of helped the image that she could be a nice girl, and... Well... She was hard, but she was caring. That's all I can say.
Other than that she put up with me for as long as she did without exploding, which is what I would have expected someone of her temprament to do.
I left the church when I got into high school. I haven't prayed for anything in six years. I haven't even said a single Lord's Prayer. But at the moment... I can't think of anything else. Funny how it would take a trip to another dimension and the death of someone I only knew for so long to get me back into Roman Catholicism.
But now's not the time for that. I turn to Tali, and I nod. She nods in reply, and then I look down.
I activate my omni tool, checking my musical playlist. I found out that Verdi still existed in this universe, and is still the same old Italian Opera composer we all knew him as. And he still wrote that Requiem, which is even better. It's the only way I can see that Ash's soul will come to rest. I didn't need to be told she was religious; I knew about it before I came to the Citadel. There's nothing else I can think of that would serve as a better prayer for her than one of the most beautiful and moving pieces of music ever to come out of the 19th Century.
I nod, kneeling there and then activating it.
And soon after, sublime music sounded from the omni tool's speakers. It was loud enough to be heard from where I was, and Tali seemed to hear it to as we listened to the requiem. It was the only way I could see it fit to honor Ash. She may not have liked me, but she was a good teacher, a good mentor, and not afraid to speak her mind. And... to be perfectly honest, I kind of admired that.
The Verdi Requiem is pretty long, so Tali and I are staying there for quite a while. And soon enough, we got other company as well. Wrex was the first to stop by, being the closest to Ash's workstation. He came as soon as he heard music from our direction. And instead of berating us like I expected, he stood beside us in the silent vigil. And then, ever so slowly, Shepard, Garrus, Kaidan, and Liara all joined us at the terminal that Ash used to stand in front of. They came whenever: I think Shepard came just as we got to the Kyrie, and then the rest joined sometime during the Dies Irae.
And silently, the music expressed what nobody else could. I felt a few tears trickle down my cheek, goosebumps flying up my arms as I struggled to hold my composure. The same could be said of everyone else that watched over the vigil. Even Wrex, miraculously, although he didn't actually cry like everybody else. But I saw feeling in his eyes when I turned to look. It's funny how the simplest of events can bring us together, especially in times of great sorrow. Here we all are, mourning for Ashley with a human requiem, following a denomination of Christianity that I'm pretty damn sure Ash didn't practice, but we all understand each other.
And that is kind of beautiful.
When the piece ends, I stand, nodding to the rest of them. We stand there briefly, and nothing is said. But what can we say that hasn't already been said? Ash was a good soldier. A brave fighter. A good teacher. A dear friend. A comerade. We've all said this at some point. So there's simply nothing more to say. Just, our mutual grief over the loss of Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams.
We all acknowledge this, and we go our separate ways in silence.
And Tali stands by me as I walk to my quarters. She nods, and I nod back.
"Well, I guess it's now my turn to start thanking you relentlessly," I say, smiling softly. "So... thank you. For everything. From the bottom of my heart."
She nods. "Again, if you want to talk about... it... you can come to me," she says, a hand on my shoulder. "Unless I die, I'll be here to listen."
I nod. "I'll see you later, Tali."
She nods. "And I as well," she replies.
She walks away, and I look at my door. I open it, and look inside at my newly cleaned room. It feels so different now. Despite the monochrome grey... it feels completely different now. I feel at peace here, instead of thinking of how not homely it is. I thought I'd never get used to this.
I was wrong.
So I walk inside, and I find that I can finally breathe a little easier for the first time since I had arrived in this galaxy.