CW: Death of a close family member
Her face was whiter than I'd ever seen it. Her hair, which was normally thick and the colour of caramel, was grey and thin. There were dark, thick bags under her eyes and her face was gaunt.
"What happened?" I asked my dad, my voice barely above a whisper.
"The... the ministry has been taken over by Voldemort and the Death Eaters, they've been attacking everywhere relentlessly, and they've been spreading a disease around everywhere they attack... your mother has caught it," he explained. "But don't worry, it's not a contagious disease. The Death Eaters made a gas come in here which your mother breathed in. I managed to escape it, but I should have saved her..."
"Well... well, she can still be saved, can't she?" I said, walking up to my mum's bed and kneeling beside her.
"Remus..." said my dad, placing his hand on my shoulder. I felt my eyes watering.
"How long ago did she breathe in the gas?" I asked, my voice breaking as a single tear came down my cheek.
"Just this morning," said my dad, his voice shaking. "She has about an hour left."
"Well, why don't we go to St Mungo's then?" I said, standing up.
"I already tried, Remus." My dad's voice was soft and sad. "It's packed, there are so many people trying to get treatment, they turned us away. Even if we had taken her, there's no cure. There's nothing the healers can do."
"I... I'll take her to Madam Pomfrey..." my voice sounded high-pitched because I was crying uncontrollably and clinging to the duvet of her bed.
"It's OK, Remus," said my dad, squeezing my shoulder.
"Mum? Mum? Can you hear me?" I sobbed, placing my hand in hers. "Squeeze my hand! Talk to me!"
I felt a weak grip on my hand from her and let out a sob. She was still alive. But she was going to die. My mother was going to die. The woman who had been there for me through thick and thin, who told me bedtime stories when I was younger, who taught me to read, who accepted me when I became a werewolf, accepted me when she found out I was a queer.
My mother.
"I love you," I sobbed to her, barely managing to get the words out because I was so choked up from my tears, that fell onto her bed.
My mother's grip on my hand weakened, and then there was no more grip at all. Her hand went limp in mine, and I knew that she was gone. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move. All I could do was stare at her lifeless body, feeling like a part of me had just died with her. My dad's arms found their way around me, and we both cried together for what felt like an eternity.
Eventually, we both fell silent. We just sat there, holding onto each other, mourning the loss of my mother and his wife. I couldn't believe that she was gone. My mind was a jumbled mess of memories and emotions, and I couldn't make sense of any of it. How could this have happened so suddenly?
I tried to make sense of the situation, but I could. I was just in shock. I didn't believe it. There was no way that one day my mother was fine and the next day she was dead. It felt like I was paralysed. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't anymore. I'd just spent much longer than a healthy amount of time crying, so much so that all my tears were gone.
I just couldn't wrap my head around it.
Hope Lupin, wife to Lyall and mother to me, Remus, was dead. And her body was still right there. I wanted it to be gone. I needed it to be gone. I couldn't deal with that reminder.
So I turned away and left the room. My dad didn't leave, he stayed with her as I went out to the living room, struggling to breathe. I couldn't believe this. I sat down on the sofa, placing my head in my trembling hands. What was I supposed to do now?
I didn't want to return to Hogwarts. I couldn't let my friends see me in this state. But I had to go back sooner rather than later. There were four months until the N.E.W.T.s, and I couldn't miss any lessons.
But how was I supposed to focus on school when the only thing I could actually focus on was the fact that I would never speak with my own mother ever again? That I couldn't even remember what the last thing I did with her before today was. That I should have been closer to her, spent more quality time with her, and not taken our relationship for granted.
I attempted to drop down onto the sofa, but I missed it and fell onto the hard ground. At that, the tears that I thought I'd run out of came right back. I couldn't go back to school, I was a complete mess! All I wanted was a hug from my mum, but the fact that I couldn't do that was the reason I needed her love.
As if he could read my mind, my dad then came out, his eyes red and puffy, and wrapped his arms around me once more.
We sat there for what felt like hours, my dad and I, just holding onto each other and crying, just like we had back in my mum's bedroom. I didn't know how we were going to get through this, how I was going to get through this. My mind kept replaying the last moments with my mother, her hand going limp in mine, and it felt like a weight was crushing my chest.
Eventually, my dad broke the silence. "We need to make arrangements for your mother's funeral," he said softly. "We can't just leave her here."
I nodded numbly. It was like my brain couldn't process anything anymore, but I knew that we had to do something.
"We'll have to contact the Ministry," my dad continued. "They'll need to know."
I didn't even want to think about dealing with the Ministry right now. The thought of having to face the Death Eaters and their reign of terror was almost too much to bear.
"We'll do it together," my dad said as if he could read my thoughts. "We'll get through this together, Remus. I promise."
I knew that he was right. But the thought of facing the world without my mother by my side was terrifying.
We spent the rest of the day making arrangements for the funeral, contacting the Ministry, and informing our friends and family. It was like going through the motions of a bad dream, and I couldn't wait for it to be over.
As the sun began to set, I found myself standing alone in the living room, staring at the empty space where my mother's body had been just hours before. The reality of the situation then hit me like a ton of bricks, and I collapsed onto the sofa, sobbing uncontrollably once again.
But as I cried, I knew that I had to be strong. For my dad, for my mother's memory, and for myself. I didn't know how I was going to get through the next few days, let alone the rest of my life, but I knew that I had to try.
I wiped my tears away and stood up, taking a deep breath. I didn't know what the future held, but I knew that I had to face it head-on.
I spent the next week off school, and, as promised, Professor McGonagall sent an owl with the schoolwork I was missing, but I didn't touch it. I couldn't. The full moon had fallen that Thursday night, and it was honestly one of the worst transformations I'd ever experienced.
The grief had affected the wolf, as well, and when I came back to myself on Friday morning, there was thick blood gauzing out of almost every part of my body. It was so bad that I was temporarily sent back to Hogwarts just so Madam Pomfrey could heal me.
The funeral was the following weekend, a week after my mother passed. Her entire side of the family came along, as well as the other marauders and Lily, those four coming out of school to support me.
I hadn't been expecting them to come, so when they arrived at my house, I was in my bedroom, just lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling, something I'd been doing a lot over the past week.
Then there was a knock on my door. At first, I assumed it was my dad, but when I took in a sniff, I realised it wasn't him. It was my best friends. I stood up and walked to the door to let them in.
"Moony!" Sirius cried, throwing his arms around me, with the other three following suit, so I was in the middle of a five-person hug.
"What are you guys doing here?" I asked.
"Your dad invited us here for the funeral," said James. "To be there for you."
"Oh, thank you," I said, trying to smile as they all withdrew from me.
"We're so sorry for what happened, Remus," said Lily, squeezing my hand. "Would you like to talk about it?"
"No," I said, shaking my head. I didn't want to talk about my mother at all. I just wanted a distraction, and my friends were the perfect distraction. "Let's play exploding snap or something before we go to the funeral."
"Alright, of course," said James, and he grabbed the cards from my shelf and we all settled down to play.
The funeral was exhausting. I had spent this past week trying to come up with a speech, but I was terrible with words. What was I supposed to say, in front of all these people, while trying to keep a straight face and not burst into tears in front of a crowd? It seemed impossible.
So, by the time it was my turn to say something, I still didn't have a speech planned, so there was nothing I could do but make it up as I went.
I just spoke about my fondest memories of her, and how she was an amazing mother before quickly returning to my seat so that someone else could have a turn to speak.
Sirius squeezed my hand under the seat as I sat down, and I just looked straight ahead. What was wrong with me? People probably thought I didn't even love her because my speech was so bad. And now, while other people made their great speeches, I was still focusing on myself. This funeral wasn't about me. It was about my mum.
Many people spoke to me at the wake, many who I didn't even know, all of them just wishing the best, praying I was OK after losing my mother.
"Please don't tell me those bandages on you are because you've harmed yourself to deal with your loss, darling," said one older woman. I didn't even know who she was.
"No, no, it wasn't..." I said, wishing she would just leave.
I wished everyone would just leave.
I wanted to be alone.