Secret part 4
Then abruptly, he remembered the snow queen's story- well may be what he was trying to do was wrong. He would lose her forever if he did that. Besides, his promise still had its full effect on him. Never in his life, had Kakashi taken his own words back, when he promised something, had he made it for life. It was simply betrayal to her in his morality. Then he lowered his hand to his side.
Swiftly he felt the girl stirred and moved closer to him, he felt her sweet lips on his cheek:
-Thank you, for keeping that promise
So she was awake all this time, contemplated his action and ambivalence, did not make a sound, keeping her breath even and deep like she was sleeping – she was a much better ninja than he could think of, cheating the Copy Ninja is nearly impossible. If Kakashi really saw her face, she would stop him instantly but she wanted to trust him one last time or to test him also. He was lucky when doing the right thing.
And then she rose up from the bed, wore her clothes and went away.
Kakashi took on an A-rank mission 5 days later with Guy and Shikamaru. His professionalism had long reached the level that no personal matter could affect his mood when he carried out the mission or push him into even a tiny error, he had such a cold head and steel heart in the battle field and that was the reason why he could raise up a great generation of shinobii for Konoha. However, this time something had changed. His professionalism still there, untouched and intact, but deep inside, there were something stirring his heart like a small drop of water, falling on the tranquil lake's surface on the high mountainous areas and creating continuous circles pervading further and further away, blending in the gentle sway of the hushed air, forming something which was not quiet any more under that affected calmness. And the picture became clearer every second passed by. First it was really a drop of water, and then there was something inside that drop, a girl who was dancing with a strange move – so light and so surreal, who instigated all these rouses in Kakashi's soul. He missed her. Simply and Truthfully. The other times when he was away in his missions, he also wanted to come back but only because the need for a cool shower, quick snap, comfy bed and pure desire was responsible for all the reasons. He was a man and when he was upset, only sex could alleviate and satisfy him not permanently but temporarily. In this sense, carnal desire was put on the same level with other necessities such as sleeping, eating and bathing, so necessary but truly trivial. Not this time again, it was simply longing. It was restless and uncontrolled. It was like a hungry stomach needed to be fulfilling with hundred bowls of rice, it was like a terrible thirst which could not be satisfied without a pond of fresh water. He could not believe that one day the famous Copy Ninja could be tortured by such a mediocre emotion as that. All of his physicality and mentality were merely craving for the mysterious girl and only one word could explain his mood now, one word that he wanted to evade for his whole life and now it was so tangible to be denied. It was "love".
But lucky for Kakashi and unfortunate for his enemy, he was kind of men when you had a muddle in your consciousness, and you desperately wanted to untie it but you could not, you used more of your strength into the work before your eyes to make it as perfect as possible to momentarily forgo the confusion and come back to it later.
The sixth night, he came back home at 12 o'clock and she wasn't there, yes to his dismay but no to his surprise. She must be a god if she knew exactly when he came home from a confidential mission. After a quick shower, he crawled on the bed and hoped that she would turn up the next night; he had so many things to talk to her even when he did not know where to start. Sleep came to him quickly after the long exhausted journey.
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"Angry" would be an understatement if one wanted to describe Kakashi's mood now, in fact, he was furious. Three more days was added to the total of 9 days and she still did not appear. What took her so long this time? He wondered, never in more than two months she showed up this late, usually, the longest time was only 4 or 5 days. He was never left alone, sinking in darkness and convinced himself that she would be right there the next minutes or asked his head to stop thinking about her and gave reasons that she was just the two-month stand in his life. But the urge and the yearning was all there, emerged in this room, soaking into its atmosphere, and he couldn't stop the crazy missing. He moved around with all the most common thoughts that a normal person, not a reputational Hatake Kakashi had once experienced in his 32 years – first he was furious, because she was somewhat more heartless than he expected, with all the soothing and consoling she gave him right on time for the past two months, now she seemed to forget them all and moved to the next stage of her life without caring to notice him, this was fit so well with his anticipation but somehow, Kakashi could not feel any better even when he was well-prepared for it; second, he was worried, may be something had happen to her, she was a ninja after all, and what did he expect from the life of a ninja? Danger and jeopardy, threat and peril were their daily life, she may be lying somewhere in the hospital or may be worst, dying somewhere else, and this led him to the third reaction: determination, the next time she turned up in his room, he would ask her to show him his face and they should talk about a settle-down or he would wait for only one more night before rummaging the whole hospital to find out the long haired female ninja. Usually, Kakashi would not wait like that, all he just had to do was to get to a bar and after a few chit-chats, and he would get himself a good-looking girl for one night since it was so hard for women to resist his charm but not this time. All Kakashi wanted was his secret mate; she carved herself in his heart and leave it like an eternal open-wound. He knew that even when he hooked up with other women, he would not be accused of being unfaithful since there were nothing stated officially between them, it was just an affair, the strangest, weirdest affair in this world, but it was still really hard to explain why he felt so guilty if he did that to her.
Fortunately, on the tenth night, she did show up in his bed room again, and quickly he pulled her into the greatest embrace ever.
- I miss you – He said simply – but she seemed to grasp all the underneath meanings of it, the power which let Kakashi say this sentence may have moved a mountain 'cuz he was often too far away form those common feeling and lukewarm on the surface seemed to be his nature.
A shudder appeared on her petit body and transferred to his quietly. Then a series of trembling sent shiver to his body length: "Is she crying? "- thought he and his doubt were confirmed immediately:
- I miss you, too
Her choked voice was a clear proof
Why did it take you so long this time? I'm nearly crazy, I want to meet you but I have no clues or anything, I thought I would turn Konoha upside down to find you.
He whispered over the top of her head with an enthusiasm which surprised even himself, he did not let her go the entire time.
What happened to you?
I'm sorry… to make you worry, Kakashi, but I can't tell you.
She said and her voice was sadder than ever. Then Kakashi parted from her and held her by her upper arms, he looked into the two tiny gaps defining the eyes of the mask and continued:
- Let me see your face
He said in his kindest and earnest voice she could ever listen to, and his eyes were burning with warm flame that melted her inside. They both knew what he meant; He wanted to end this sneaky relationship and moved to a new stage. In those two months from stepping into his life, she had done an amazing job, which was opening the door to Kakashi's soul and it had little by little accepted her without his knowing, and now he was ready to say the last three words:
I think, I…
She suddenly covered his mouth with her pale fingers, which amazed him:
Don't say it, Please
She was pleading him not to say the most important words. Unbelievable. Why did she do that? Is it really one-side and sex was only thing she sought from him this entire time? It took Kakashi a few minutes to register what was going on and he could not stop to ask in shock:
Why?
I, I don't want you to regret Kakashi; I'm not worth it…
Amazement struck Kakashi:
What on earth make you think you don't worth it? And why do you know that I will regret?
His loud voice seemed to tear the quiet night's atmosphere into pieces and his hands tighten around her arms.
Kakashi, I came today to tell you one thing. I can't see you anymore
Her voice seemed to hold back any emotion about to brim over. But under that mask, everything was unreadable. Kakashi tried to suppress the outburst formed inside his throat with a short word that he had to repeat 2 times this night:
Why?
Kakashi, I'm tired, I cannot continue anymore, every time I came here, you became more demanding and I'm scared that one day I cannot satisfy you any further.
Her tone had backstabbed all the pretending calmness she tried to play in front of him for the last hour, it was anxious, nervous and confused, and he even read through her quite easily:
Lying, you're lying…he shouted
Kakashi …
If you're tired, you just leave without saying anything, cuz' we all know that you and I never confirmed anything about our relationship. It was much easier for you to walk away so why cared to come back and say that to me? Just because you want to see me, you still desperately want to see me like I do.
And then he slipped his hand underneath her knees to carry her into his strong arms, he threw her almost mercilessly onto his bed and quickly straddled her while pinning her two hands above her head in his clamp-like grip.
Kakashi, what…
She was panicked when she was able to read what exactly Kakashi was intending to do. As he bended down low above her, he whispered in a dangerous tone:
I'm not the only one who become more demanding, you are, and we both know that, why do you keep coming back? If you were tired, your body would show it to me, but clearly…
His hand was moved smoothly under her dress in a way that instantly caused her goose-bump, she was respond to his touch, which made him smirk contentedly, and then his hand roaming around her valley, hooked the rim of her panties down and felt her wetness…
Your body was not saying the same thing.
On he pulled his digit from her panties slowly to her belly under the thin fabric and all the way to her breasts; squirming around her nibbles which all erected and he buried his face onto that sensitive part of her, licking her nibble through the slight cloth. She fought back groaning from the touch while tried to escape his grip but now, he was too strong and sadistic to let her go. His tone just built up more intense in this situation:
I don't care who you are, I just want to be with you and you've already known that I'm too selfish to care about the others
Then he parted his hand away from her body to slowly raise it towards her mask then he heard her in the most desperate tone he'd ever heard:
- NOOOO, Kakashi…don't do that… - her voice broke into violent sobs – please…please, don't do that…
Kakashi's determination dissolved in a second when he heard her sobbing, the last thing he wanted to do in this world was to hurt this girl but he couldn't think that his trial to unmask her could bring her so much grief like that; she took it more serious than he could imagine. His hand which just stopped in the mid air was now moving to his headband, he pulled it down to cover his eyes and released his grip on her wrists to tie the headband tighter around his head. As gently as possible, he pulled her mask away to place his fingers on her damp cheeks, they soaked with more tear than he could think of, it pained him deeply to think that he was the one hurting her this much. Rubbing her tear away with his thumbs, Kakashi whispered to her ears:
I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I won't do that again, but please, don't go away.
And he felt her arms closed his nape and his shoulders into a big hug. The trembling was still clear in her breath but she was calmed down. After a very long pregnant pause, Kakashi found his voice again:
Promise me not to disappear, I can't stand it…
I don't know Kakashi; I don't know how longer can I be with you? I have to go, I really have to…
So stay with me until the last moment when you really have to go…Don't just vanish out of blue, you can give me the false hope that you really want to be with me till the last moment, can't you?
It isn't a false hope, it's the truth, I want to be with you till the last moment
So why do you run away? Do I scare you this much?
No, obviously, I'm not scared, it's just too complicated, Kakashi…
She signed sadly and snuggled more into his body, she refused to say anything else, and he also kept silence. This was the first night they did not do anything except for sleeping peacefully inside each other arms.
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