Here yah go. I really agonized over every paragraph in this chapter and I hope the flow between chapters is making sense. I also hope you enjoy it and as always, I welcome constructive criticism because I am a newb at this Fan Fiction writing. Btw what's a BETA and do I need one? Thanks for all the wonderful reviews everyone! - S
9-22 update: Needed to tweak a couple things with this chapter that were bothering me, namely flow and time line issues. Chapter 3 is progressing, though I don't know when it will be complete. Six more days till Season 4 premiere - I am so excited!
CHAPTER TWO
They had landed just after 2 P.M local time. Derek stepped off the plane and was instantly engulfed by the warm ocean air. Inhaling deeply he felt momentarily settled before his thoughts quickly came back around to Meredith. He was still very unsure about this entire trip but the thought of seeing her again, all beautiful and vibrant, made him smile wildly. He had missed her terribly there was no doubt about that.
As he maneuvered to collect his luggage and rent a car, he tried to gauge all the possible reactions from Meredith. It was unlikely she would tell him to leave but he had no idea what her current state of mind was, so he couldn't discount the possibility. She was also unlikely to welcome him with open arms, but again, everything was a possibility.
He groaned loudly. This trip was definitely a mistake, he thought miserably. More then once he had wanted to turn around and go straight back to Seattle.
Derek collected his rental car and headed out for the peaceful drive on the curving Maui roadways. He had visited Maui at least once before with his family when he was just a young boy. His dad had still been alive then and the memories of his family, happy and thriving, washed over him. He was suddenly wishing he could go back in time, to that place where life was uncomplicated and full of youthful innocence.
He sighed heavily and pressed his foot harder to the gas pedal, speeding towards his destination.
Arriving at the hotel he checked into his Villa and provided a generous tip to the bellman. He then immediately collapsed on a nearby sofa and surveyed his surroundings.
The Villa was absolutely incredible. It was spacious, with a full size kitchen, living and dining area and two bedrooms. Directly behind the sofa was a terrace with a set of oak French doors. Beyond the doors was a path that led down to a secluded beach. Derek remembered that all of Hawaii's beaches were public however difficult access to many of them made them exceptionally private.
His eyes came around to a phone on a nearby table and he debated whether to call her or not. They had only been apart only a few weeks but he knew there was a very real possibility that she had met someone on the trip, although he was sure Cristina would have mentioned it to him.
The thought of Meredith with another man made him violently ill. Despite everything, Meredith was his and he wouldn't just sit back and allow someone else to take her from him. Still as crazy as it was, he decided against calling her. It would be much more difficult for her to push him away in person. If someone else was in her suite, well, he would just cross that bridge when he came to it.
Before heading out he decided on a quick shower first. He wanted to look his best when he gave Meredith Grey the surprise of her life.
Meredith lounged around her own Villa feeling incredibly relaxed and replenished. After breakfast she had desperately needed to stop the constant thoughts of Derek racing through her mind. She had decided to treat herself to a day at the spa and for hours, she was pampered, manicured and massaged. She couldn't remember the last time she had been so ridiculously indulged. For the most part the plan had worked and she managed to go at least thirty minutes before even thinking about Derek. A major victory for love torn, Meredith Grey.
She padded to the bedroom, and quickly changed into a dark blue bikini top and skirt. Slipping her freshly manicured toes into her sandals, her mind wandered about what to do for dinner that night. Little did she know that the knock she suddenly heard at the door would alter her plans for the rest of the evening, and possibly for the rest of her stay in Hawaii.
She strolled to the door, peered through the peephole and her heart stopped.
"Derek..." She gasped. She swung the door open and there he stood, in all his moody, sexy, and stubbled, glory.
Derek stood frozen in his spot unable to speak. His mouth agape at the vision that stood before him.
He had seen her naked thousands of times.
Had made love to her in the most incredible positions.
Even undressed her a few times with his teeth.
None of that, none of that compared to seeing her stand there, tanned and beautiful, dressed in nothing more then a bikini top and mini skirt. He was immediately aroused and it took all of his willpower to not strip her naked and take her right there in the doorway.
Prior too this moment he had loved everything about Seattle, but the dreary rainy weather denied him being able to see Meredith dressed like this and that annoyed him. He made a quick mental note to start looking for new jobs for both of them in some beautiful California coastal town. Refusal to do so, not an option on Meredith's part, he decided firmly.
"Hi." He mumbled, as he shoved the rose in her direction, his thoughts still engulfed in the many, many pleasurable things he wanted to do to her right now.
Without taking her eyes off him, she accepted his gift.
"Thanks, its uh, great." She stammered, finally tearing her eyes away from him and staring down at the rose.
Without thinking she stepped to the side, silently inviting him in. He passed by her close, a little too close. The lavender smell of her conditioner threatened to undo him for the second time in less then five minutes. He inhaled sharply and quickly stepped passed her into the living area.
She closed the door gently and for a moment didn't turn around, one hand resting on the door knob.
"I know this must be a surprise..." He started to say, the sound of his voice prompting her to turn around. As she stared at him, the rose fell to her side, the sharp thorns cutting wickedly into her thumb. The pain, however, going unnoticed by Meredith.
Disbelief flooding her delicate features, all she could focus on was the man standing before her. Had he really flown all this way just to see her?
"Say something Meredith." He pleaded, interrupting her thoughts.
"I'm...I'm going to put the rose in some water." She said, shaking her head. She wandered to the kitchen, ran water into a small cup and gently placed the rose inside the cup. The blood from her thumb streaming down into the water.
He followed her, taking a seat at the kitchen bar.
"It's beautiful, Derek..." She said as she gently fingered the smooth petals of the rose. No one had ever gotten her flowers before and she felt quickly overwhelmed by the gesture and by Derek's sudden appearance.
"Do you want me to leave, Mer?" He asked, cautiously, afraid of what her answer was going to be. He could see that he had flustered her very, very quickly.
She turned off the water and set the rose on the counter, finally looking up at him.
As she stood there, staring at him, she felt a rush of emotions. She could make this so much easier for both of them by just telling him to leave. She needed to tell him to leave, to run away and never look back.
Instead she stood there and stared at the man she deeply loved. The man she shared such an explosive passion with, just being near him set her body on fire. The familiar ache to have his hands and lips all over her naked body washed over her. This is what Derek Shepherd did to her, her body left in a constant state of arousal whenever he was near.
She knew in her heart she wanted this time with him. She needed him and no amount of self flagellating could convince her otherwise. Not when he was standing right there in front of her. It was wrong and self destructive for both of them, but in this moment, she didn't care.
Despite the relentless pain they inflicted during the time they had known each other, she knew they both needed this. The constant suffering had been undeserving and meaningless, yet here they were, together again, ready to levy the same excruciating pain against each other. It was a vicious cycle that neither of them knew how to break.
"Mer?" He called out her name softly again forcing her out of her thoughts.
She swallowed hard and gave him one of her familiar half smiles.
"I was just about to go for a walk down to the beach, uh ... do you want to join me?"
He smiled back at her, his blue eyes shining. "Yeah, Mer. I would love that."
They walked side by side down to the beach. As they reached closer to the water, Derek left her side briefly to take in the magnificent Pacific Ocean in all her grandeur. It was just a little past 5 P.M and the warm salty winds were picking up as dusk hovered nearby. The waves crashed to the shore, growing larger and larger with each passing hour.
"This is awesome." He yelled back at her, the thunder of the crashing waves almost drowning him out.
"Yeah. I just love it here." She said looking out towards the water. It was the absolute truth. Since the moment she arrived she hadn't wanted to leave. The peacefulness and simplicity of the island, mollified her and made her feel abnormally human again.
She made her way further down the beach to a nearby chaise lounge and snuggled in, content to just sit and watch him. She hadn't seen him in three weeks, but she could see that he had lost some weight. He was still sexy as ever though and her constant visions of his naked body wrapped around hers caused her to inwardly groan.
Derek started back towards her, but not before collecting a pebble and tossing it into the ocean. He then collected four or five more and tossed each one into the water before finally making his way back to her and crashing on the chaise alongside hers. His eyes were shining and a smile covered his face.
She grinned at him.
He stared sheepishly back at her, as though he had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. The expression made her laugh out loud in that infectious way that he had loved so much.
"You're laughing at me." He said, still smiling.
"I'm sorry. You look like a kid out here. It's just adorable."
"Well, life definitely seems more simple out here. To be able to use the time to act like a kid again is awesome."
She studied him closely for a moment and frowned. He looked incredibly exhausted and worn down, like she had never seen before. Being one of the most sought after Neurosurgeons in the country was partly to blame, but this was different. She saw pain behind his eyes and her heart broke for him. She had done this to him, she thought sadly.
She wanted nothing more then to comfort him, to ease his pain, but she knew that would be impossible. She resisted the temptation to reach out and pull him to her.
"So uh...are you staying here? I mean at this resort?" She asked, quickly correcting herself.
"Yes, I believe 3 or 4 private beaches that-a-way." He answered, pointing in the direction of his Villa. He turned to look at her and for a moment his eyes locked with hers. She quickly broke away from his gaze. The momentum created becoming a little too much for her.
"So you never asked me." He said softly, looking out towards the sea. "Why I came out here..." He turned back to face her, his gaze questioning, unsure.
"The answer wasn't important to me." She said softly, shrugging her shoulders.
Encouraged by her answer he slowly edged off of his chaise and onto hers. She shifted slightly to give him more room, her body facing his.
"I'm o.k with that." He whispered, as he gently pulled her closer to him, both of them easily melting into the embrace, their bodies becoming tangled like two pieces of fine thread. She hesitantly raised a hand to caress his cheek, her eyes, smoky, and filled with need.
His lips were now just mere inches from hers. He paused briefly before slowly meeting her lips with his. The kiss began agonizingly sweet, Derek tasting her lips in gentle short motions.
Meredith groaned softly.
Wanting more she parted her lips, and he thrust his tongue deep inside her mouth. For long moments, they sat there, passionately rediscovering each other with their mouths, lips and tongues. When they finally parted they were panting, gasping for air.
"Derek..." she pleaded, her eyes begging for more of him.
"Meredith..."
Her mouth was still inches from his, taunting him, begging him to continue the assault on her wet, swollen lips. Unable to resist, his lips again crashed down on hers in a sweet symphony of passion and hunger. Finally pulling away he pressed his forehead to hers, trying to slow his frantic pulse and tame his growing arousal.
"Not now, not here..." He growled softly, his eyes searching hers, begging for understanding. She responded by laying her head on his chest and snuggling closer to him. For what seemed like hours, they laid together in comfortable silence, watching the sun continue her descent into the sea. It wasn't until he felt her shiver in his arms that he became aware of how chilly it had become.
"We should go inside." He said to her. She nodded, and reluctantly peeled herself away from him, taking his hand in hers and leading him inside.
Once indoors she excused herself to change into cotton pants and a T-shirt. Derek, trying to hide his disappointment at the wardrobe change, decided now was as good a time as any to ask her about the night she left Seattle.
Not surprisingly she tried to shut down the conversation.
"It's not important Derek." She stated firmly. She turned away and headed to the kitchen, throwing open a drawer to pull out a room-service menu. "You must be starving, we can order in. I know the Walnut Prawns are..."
"We can't forget about this, Mer..." She continued to prattle on about other choices listing about 6 different items, ignoring him.
"Meredith!" He interrupted her, "Would you just forget about the food?" He was getting irritated and he wasn't quite sure why. He had had been expecting this, the walls and the avoiding.
"Why won't you talk to me?" He pleaded with her.
Finally she abandoned the menu's and turned to face him, her eyes filled with such sadness that he hadn't seen since Addison showed up.
"Because it hurts too much Derek."
He stepped closer to her, his arms reaching out but not quite able to touch her.
"We can't go on like this forever. We have to talk about this. I need to understand what you are feeling."
Her eyes suddenly became dark, and what he saw made his heart shatter.
He knew. Before she even said a word, he knew.
"There isn't going to be a forever, Derek." She said simply. Her voice hollow and devoid of any emotion, her walls firmly erect and enforced.
Her words cut through Derek like a ten-blade with less anesthesia. She wasn't coming back to him, at least not for good. He suddenly felt like her constant one night stand, taking him back when she needed him, but tossing him aside when she felt too suffocated. He was forever doomed to exist in this vicious cycle because he was head over heels in love with her.
Meredith had long ago accepted her reality and it was absolute. She couldn't have Derek Shepherd, even fleetingly. It was simply not meant to be. This was Meredith Grey's reality.
He swung his arms out in a gesture of helpless defeat. "Then you should have told me to leave, Meredith. The minute I walked through that door."
"I know that." She whispered.
He wanted to leave. He wanted to turn his back on her and run. He wanted to forget Meredith Grey ever existed but he knew that was impossible. She had become ingrained in his soul, leaving now would destroy him beyond words.
He stumbled to the couch and collapsed like a pile of bricks, finally succumbing to his mental exhaustion. He endured marathon thirty hour surgeries but still never did he feel so spent, so unable to function.
She followed him to the living area, and fell to another smaller couch adjacent the one Derek was on. She turned and gazed out the window, in the darkness, she could barely see the water, but she could hear the violence of the waves crashing into the beach.
"Why didn't you tell me to leave?" His soft voice asked, drifting from behind her.
She closed her eyes, trying to hold back her tears. She had spent so many days of this trip doing nothing but crying over him, and what she was unable to be for him. Just when she thought her heart could stand it no more, he had shown up here, his heart on his sleeve.
Every moment that she was with him, she fell deeper in love with him. It was a love that enveloped her so completely, it threatened her very existence. She was terrified of this, terrified of the possibility that she could be happy.
"Because you're here, and you're Derek and despite everything... I miss you. I can't give you the future, Derek. I can't be the love of your life. When you showed up here I thought maybe just maybe I could give you right now, but that's impossible isn't it?"
She heard movement behind her and turned around to find herself staring into his eyes.
The new cycle had begun...
He leaned close and cupped her face with both hands, his eyes bearing into her. He gently caressed her face and she shivered from the contact. When he touched her, it was like a thousand lightning bolts rushing through her body. Tears welled up in her eyes as he leaned in and placed his lips on hers in a soft but desperate kiss. She again eagerly accepted his lips and deepened the kiss by pulling him closer. While her mind bore the ability to push Derek out her life, her body did not and she wanted him, desperately. Their movements became more frantic as she began to tug at his shirt forcing him to pull away from her. They were both emotionally exhausted and Derek feared if they made love now, it would be full of desperate violent rage.
"I don't think we can let this happen. Not tonight..." He said. She looked up at him with sadness in her eyes. She knew he was right, the fire that burned inside of them was incredibly explosive. Fueled by their current state of emotions, coming together now would be like the Apocalypse, ending their existence while shattering their bodies into a thousand pieces.
She rose from the couch and pulled Derek to his feet and led him to her bedroom. Once there she peeled out of her clothes and slipped between the sheets of the bed, naked. He groaned softly and followed her lead. He snuggled in beside her and held her tight, savoring the feel of her skin next to his.
As sleep began to slowly overcome him Derek thought about how bleak their future looked. Despite all her walls and her efforts to push him away, he had to believe that she loved him. And somehow over the next few days he would have to find a way to convince Meredith that she deserved this, that she deserved to be loved unconditionally. Drowning in semi consciousness and snuggling closer to her, he vowed to win their future together, because not doing so would tear them apart forever and that was a reality he was not willing to accept.