Depression
By: Sailorjj07
14. Suicide
A/n: I started playing Xenosaga 3, which made me remember my lovely fic that I have. I really don't have any excuse for not updating, and I am sorry, but this is the 2nd to last chapter! Then when it's over, you won't have to deal with it, right? I believe this fic was good though, and I'm actually fairly proud of me for making it. I read over some chapters and realized a couple of errors, which I'll go through and fix later. Anyways, this chapter IS long, I promise, so get ready for a fairly good read and sit, heh! ON WITH THE CHAPPY!!
Disclaimer: I do not own!
chaos' POV
We arrived at the Omega Merkabah shortly after I had showered and changed. Kos-mos was happy as ever, walking around the Elsa like she hadn't seen it for years. It's probably an effect of her being knocked out for three whole days, but it was cute nonetheless.
"chaos! Come here, please!" I heard MOMO call out from the kitchen. I smiled to myself and walked in, only to find Kos-mos and MOMO covered in what looked to be flour...Or something to that effect.
"What are you two doing?!"
Kos-mos and MOMO burst into giggles, and then went back to the weird doughy substance on the counter.
"We're baking, chaos." Kos-mos answered, a smile on her face. MOMO nodded in agreement, and handed the dough to Kos-mos, who cut it into slices.
"Baking?"
"Yes, we're going to make delicious sweets! We researched it and decided to try it! And YOU are going to be our official taste tester."
"I'm going to be what? We're about to land on the Omega Merkabah." I told them, trying to keep the worried look off of my face. Were they going to kill me before I could save Kos-mos?
"So? We're going to put special things in them so they can help heal us too. They'll be...magical!" MOMO answered, smiling as Kos-mos laid the slices on a pan and shoved it in an oven. Kos-mos went to the sink and washed her hands, then came to stand beside me.
"It'll be fine." Kos-mos said, looking up at me with her big blue eyes. I tried not to look at her; she was giving me that look on purpose, I knew. But finally, I just couldn't take it anymore and gave in.
"Fine," I said, though I DIDN'T want to say it. "I give in. I'll be your taste tester."
"Good!" MOMO cried, clapping her hands together in excitement.
Kos-mos just hugged me, and whispered in my ear, "Thanks very much. I love you, chaos."
"And I love you too. Which is why I have to try these cookies." I whispered back, feeling her give me a slight squeeze before she let me go. I sighed and stepped away from her, not believing what I had just gotten myself talked into.
How on earth did she know how to get to me?
When I saw Jr. rounding the corner, I grinned to myself, and then turned back to the girls, "Would you look at that? Jr. just said he wanted to try too."
"What the hell? chaos, what are you talking about?" Jr. asked, looking at the look on my face. Then his eyes widened when he saw the two girls behind me, and he immediately began to take steps back towards the door.
"AWWW! Jr., that's so sweet of you! You can be an official taste tester too!" MOMO said, running over to him and pulling him back into the kitchen with us.
"A what? MOMO, what is that?"
"You get to taste our cookies!"
"...You made cookies?"
"Yup! And when they're done, you and chaos get to taste them!" MOMO told him excitedly. I covered my mouth to hold in my laughter, but Jr. saw it and glared at me anyway.
"Eh, fine. If chaos is too scared, then I'm man enough to eat them."
"Good! They'll be done in a little bit, so you two go get ready to land, and we'll finish these up." Kos-mos explained, and I nodded in agreement. I did need to get ready to land on this thing. Albedo and the android were awaiting us.
...Albedo...
Just the name made me cringe.
I tried to keep the look off of my face, but Kos-mos noticed anyway. She was observant, as usual. She gave me a look that said everything would be ok, and all I could do was nod. I mean, who knows the future? I figured everything would be ok. If not, we'd die here...
I tried not to think about that either.
"chaos?"
I glanced up to find MOMO looking at me intently. She gave me a soft, reassuring smile as well, and I simply nodded back.
"So, what exactly do you have to do to prepare anyway?" Jr. asked me, and I turned to look at him, realizing he was still in the kitchen with us.
"Just make sure all my equipment is in proper order. Including the A.G.W.S."
"Oo, good idea." Jr. said in agreement, and then, "Can I go check on them with you?"
"Can you? You are your own person, after all."
"Smart ass. What the hell is with those stupid answers of yours anyway? Geez." Jr. told me, following me out of the door. We both waved at the girls and then headed to the hangar.
Later
"Is everyone ready?" Shion asked from her A.G.W.S unit, over the communication links. The Elsa was going to hover around the area and wait for us, in case we needed back-up.
"Yeah! Let's go destroy that freakishly weird guy!" Sazuka cried, from her A.G.W.S that she shared with Ziggy. I stifled a laugh at the overly hyper woman, for two reasons: firstly, because she had NO idea what she was in for, and secondly, just because she was hyper enough to be excited to kill someone. It made no sense, but then again she is an assassin.
"Kos-mos, are you alright?"
"chaos, I'm fine...Stop asking me."
"No thank you. Try again later and maybe I'll take it into consideration." I smiled at Kos-mos' face in the screen and she giggled, allowing the screen to stay open.
"So tell me, my wonderful boyfriend, how are we going to go about this?"
"We're gonna bust a hole in his damn wall!" Jr. yelled from his unit. Kos-mos laughed and then watched as Jr. blew a hole in the wall with his missiles. He laughed and bounded through, the rest of us following the impulsive red head. MOMO was laughing as well, saying something to Kos-mos about how crazy Jr. was.
"We really shouldn't be this happy..." Ziggy stated, trying to be as serious as possible. And he was right. We were going to either our deaths or Albedo's death...and we were laughing.
Had we reached a point of hysterics that it was just funny?
Or were we truly about to reach a brighter part of our lives?
The questions hanging around my head were almost overbearing, so I pushed them aside. Ziggy was right; we needed to get more serious. We could all die today and we were almost laughing about it. When I looked at it that way, I could feel my laughter dying off quickly.
"He's right, you guys. This is serious business." Shion chimed in, though I could hear the smile in her voice. I nodded in agreement, and we all continued on into the hole that Jr. had made for us.
The sight that awaited us was horrible.
Corpses lay strewn across the floor in piles like old linens. They were realians I knew, but I tried not to say anything. Just stood in silence as MOMO gasped loudly, and Shion was almost brought to tears.
"...This is awful..."
"It's just like my brother." Jr. said, between gritted teeth. Ziggy and Sazuka were silent, two peas in a pod. Apparently, they both knew that now wasn't a very good time to say anything.
"chaos, didn't this happen the last time?" Kos-mos asked me quietly, opening a private link.
"Yes. Albedo has a thing for sucking the life force out of realians. We don't know why, he just does. It makes me wonder what he's done to the android..."
"He didn't kill her, whatever he's doing."
"And that makes it better?"
"Well no, but-," Kos-mos bit on her bottom lip, and I couldn't help but think how cute the gesture was.
I also couldn't help but realize how much I still craved for her.
Shaking my head, I forced my A.G.W.S forward, ignoring the feeling of loss in my heart. I felt...unnerved...without being able to hold onto Kos-mos, especially at a time like this. I wanted to hold her hand and share in her strength, so that neither of us would be weak when we faced Albedo. However, I couldn't and so I knew I would have to be strong on my own until I could. My only hope was that got to my Kos-mos before Albedo did.
We reached a point were we could unload from our units, and so after we had all gotten out, we began down the longest hallway I've ever seen in my ENTIRE life. Jr. was walking in the front with Ziggy, Sazuka, and MOMO behind him. Shion and I trailed in the back with Kos-mos, who glanced behind us every now and again.
"Do you think it will be extremely hard to take him down?" Kos-mos asked, her eyes looking around us at all times. She was checking every shadow and corner, to make sure nothing came at us unexpectedly.
"No, but to take down your other half...That's the challenge." Shion answered, her weapon at the ready. I felt prick of pride reach my chest; the women around me were not fools, but forces to be reckoned with.
"I agree." I added, allowing my normal calm expression to cross my face. Kos-mos looked at my skeptically out of the corner of her eye, but then went back to being watchful.
"Of course it can't be-."
I stared at Shion as her voice suddenly went out. Her mouth was still moving, but I didn't hear anything at all. I could see myself still walking with them, but there was no sound.
What was going on?
"Yeshua, you didn't wake her like we told you to."
I blinked...Who was talking to me? Yeshua...That was MY name...Who knew my TRUE name?
"Yeshua, you failed."
What? I failed? No, I didn't...
It wasn't time yet...
Kos-mos had been woken up. The human Kos-mos walked around in broad daylight; isn't that awake enough?
"You're such a failure. You said you would love her and yet you won't even wake her up. The sweet smelling princess...Why did you fail us? Why didn't you wake her?"
Who is talking to me?! What are you talking about?! I didn't fail! I didn't!
"I DIDN'T FAIL!!" I heard myself cry out, and soon I found myself clutching my head in pain. I was still standing though, but had long stopped walking with Kos-mos and Shion. A sharp ringing penetrated my ears, and I grit my teeth, fighting the urge to cry out again.
"chaos? chaos?!" Kos-mos was beside me in an instant, but soon I was thrashing, trying to get the noise out of my head.
It was hurting so bad...
What was going on?
"Yeshua, do it. Wake her up. Right now."
What? I can't. I won't. It's too early for that. We don't have to go away yet. The world doesn't need us yet. Let us be happy...For a little while. Let us stay awake before we have to sleep again. The order to my chaos...Let us stay awake together.
"She won't be awake until you kill her. You know that."
I can't kill her. It's suicide to do something like that. I'd kill myself in the process. Who the hell are you? Stop talking to me...
"chaos! chaos! It's ok! It's alright...I'm here. I'm right here..." Kos-mos was hugging me and whispering to me, even though I was still holding my head. She was even stroking the parts of my hair that weren't covered by my hands.
"Kos-mos..." I heard myself whisper hoarsely. Why couldn't I talk?
"Kill her, Yeshua! Do it!"
"NO! I won't!
"chaos, what are you talking about?!" By now everyone else had stopped and reached us as well. They were all searching, trying to find a way to help me, but I couldn't be helped.
I had just been asked to kill myself...To kill the one person that my heart beat for.
It was suicide all over again.
"chaos...Yeshua, you don't have to do this. Don't listen to him...My lovely Yeshua, that's Albedo talking. The bastard. Don't listen to him."
Images flashed in my mind. The time I discovered I couldn't die. The time I tried to end it all anyway...That was the first time they took Kos-mos from me...I saw her then, in her other form...Awake and loving me...My beautiful angel Kos-mos...
"Yeshua, love...don't do it. Don't listen to him." Kos-mos was stroking my hair over and over again, whispering close to my ear. She hugged me to her and kept saying those words over and over again, and soon enough, that was all I could hear. Nothing else mattered to me, but her voice; the one thing that kept me from going over the edge. She was right...Albedo was trying to break me.
"ALBEDO! YOU BASTARD! SHOW YOURSELF!" Kos-mos yelled out, the harshness in her voice bouncing off the walls and slamming back into our group. We all sat in agonizing anticipation, waiting on a response.
Then he started to clap.
"Wow, good job human. You saw through my wonderful trick...I'm surprised."
I glanced up, trying to silence the horrid ringing. As soon as Kos-mos had stopped whispering to me, it had started again, and though I was gritting my teeth together and forcing myself to stand, I got up and took my hands away from my ears.
Kos-mos glanced at me, and the anger was evident on her face. Kos-mos was ready to kill. And after a point, so was I.
"Aw, the loving couple is angry with me? Whatever am I to do?" Albedo asked, faking a worried look. He titled his head and smirked sadistically at us,"Oh I know. KOS-MOS, be a dear and deal with my lightweight. Your other half thinks she stands a chance."
That's when the battle began. KOS-MOS came at us with guns drawn and missiles charging. She wasn't going to stop until she killed us all, but I didn't care. Albedo was going to die today.
"Yeshua, don't be angry. Your Kos-mos and my KOS-MOS are exactly the same. Now both of us can have her. Isn't it so nice of you to share?"
"Albedo, I swear...I'm going to-."
"No chaos. I'm going to do it all." Kos-mos placed her hand on my arm, and glared angrily at the man less than fifty yards than us. And she was at him, as swiftly as her other half, R-Blade formed and ready to strike him down.
But the hit didn't go through because KOS-MOS stopped her with an R-Blade of her own.
"Move, witch!"
"Human, you are challenging someone you cannot defeat. Now, die." KOS-MOS made a swipe at Kos-mos, but my blue eyed goddess dodged it. She fell to the floor on her back and then flipped herself up, delivering a handstand kick to the android's chin. An angry growl escaped the android's lips as she flew up in the air, and my Kos-mos simply smirked and continued her onslaught. She jumped into the air after her, delivering a kick to the android that took her higher. Kos-mos then used the slowly ascending android to propel herself higher than her, and followed that with a drop kick that sent the android crashing into the ground.
"Die android!" Jr. yelled, firing a round of shots that was sure to hit. He smirked as smoke began to float up from the crater that Kos-mos' other half laid in, and nodded at the human half that landed beside him.
"Jr. move. She isn't dead."
"What? There's no way she alive after that!"
"Move!" Kos-mos cried, pushing Jr. out of the way and crossing her arms in front of her face. A blur knocked her back and sent her sliding backwards on her heels about ten feet. When Kos-mos moved her arms down, she turned to me, a serious look on her face, "Pay attention, Yeshua! Albedo is still there!"
It was then that I actually did remember Albedo; I had been so entranced with the fight between both versions of my angel. I nodded, and turned to face Albedo, while sliding off my gloves.
"Ah, so the holy one decides to use his touch? This should be interesting."
I glared at Albedo, but kept my mouth quiet, lest I tell something I shouldn't.
"chaos, let us battle that madman." Came Ziggy's quiet, but stern voice beside me. Sazuka gave a single smile at me, and flipped out her daggers, smirking as the began to glow a burning red.
"Yes, let's." I said in agreement, throwing my gloves to the side. It was time to take them both out.
Thirty Minutes Later
It was clear that we had won. Albedo couldn't regenerate anymore and he could barely stand. Truth be told, we were all tired and we all were breathing heavy. MOMO had kept her healing up, even giving me a cookie every now and again to keep us active and awake. It had helped, surprisingly.
"Albedo, give up!" Shion told the URTV, breathing heavily as she spoke. I glanced at her to find her looking close to collapsing.
"Ok, I give up."
There was no way in hell it would be that easy...I knew that as soon as he said it.
"Seriously?!" Jr. stated, skeptically. Actually, we all were skeptical about Albedo's quick agreement to give up. What was he planning?
"Of course, dear brother. I'll give up if you can figure out how to destroy my android without killing Yeshua's human."
A silence penetrated the room and we all glared at the regenerating bastard. Why would he make that a condition knowing that we didn't know how to do it?
"Oh, you don't know how, do you? It's simple really...Just use the thing that's the most important to that damn human."
"What?" This time even Sazuka was confused. What was he talking about?
"Stupid humans. Yeshua has to kill the android with the human. But it has to be the human doing the killing."
"He's lying. Don't listen to him, chaos." MOMO said, glancing at the look on my face.
I couldn't kill KOS-MOS! She looked just like the love of my life...She looked just like my angel, and I was supposed to kill her?
...I can't do that...
"No, he isn't. MOMO, he isn't lying." Kos-mos said quietly from behind us. She walked forward, and towards me, reaching her hand out to take mine. I reached out to take her hand and saw that my hand was shaking. I couldn't kill KOS-MOS, no matter how hard I tried. It'd be suicide, yet again.
"Kos-mos..." I started to say, but she lifted a finger to my lips and silenced me.
"I know. You can't do it. That's why...I have to do it. Yeshua, my love, do you trust me?"
"Do you really want an answer to that?"
"Playing mind games like always," Kos-mos smiled, and pulled my closer to her, taking hold of my other hand, "I love you, Yeshua. Always remember, I am the order to your chaos."
Why was everything she said sounding so final? Why did it sound like she was trying to leave me?
"I love you too, Kos-mos."
"Good...And..." Kos-mos reached her arm back, and closed her eyes, as a single tear fell down her cheek, "I'm so sorry..."
"Kos-mos, what are you-?" Before I could even finish, Kos-mos plunged her R-Blade through my chest, and straight into my heart. I could feel myself slowly slipping as another tear splashed down onto my cheeks.
She was crying for me.
How ironic...I had said that if she did this to me; If Kos-mos were to slice her R-Blade into my chest, I would still love her...
And what's amazing is...
I still do.
My Kos-mos, my angel, my order...
I love you with all my heart and soul. As well as all my being.
And I...forgive you.
End Chapter 14