In this chapter…
45 makes an offer the elves can't refuse
416 reaches the 'find out' stage
And 9 wishes she paid more attention in her CPR class
UMP45 was one of the best electronic warfare T-Dolls ever made. Even the most advanced encryption signatures could be broken by her in a matter of minutes. On top of that, she was well-known among those that were aware of 404's existence to be extremely cunning. She needed to be in order to ensure her and her team's survival, given that the world wasn't kind to rogue dolls like 404. It was safe to say there weren't many things that she couldn't figure out.
Yet trying to make sense of the circumstances she and 404 had found themselves in tonight threatened to overload her processor.
45 stood in the corner of the living room as she mulled over the information that she and her team just learned. One, Santa Claus was real. Two, the previous fact meant that not only magic was real, but also that elves, the North Pole toy factory, and FLYING REINDEER existed. And if that wasn't crazy enough, the final realization was that yes, 416 had indeed killed Santa.
That final piece of information sent 416 temporarily over the edge. Currently, she sat in the chair now vacated by G11, muttering to herself about how none of this was possible and that she was only dreaming.
G11 had grown tired after yelling at 416. She had passed out on her new pillow 5 minutes ago and hadn't woken up yet.
The only person who could still speak, 9, was grilling the two elves for any more information.
Well, one elf. The skinny one, who was named Lenny, sat among Santa's clothes bawling his eyes out. The other one was named Wayne, and he was trying his best to answer 9's questions.
"So if you guys are elves, what are you doing here? Don't you guys stay in the North Pole and just make toys?"
"Well, someone has to-sorry, HAD to prepare the houses for the big guy's arrival. How else would he have gotten to all the houses in one night?" Wayne seemed to be a bit rattled by his boss's death as well but was taking it better than Lenny. 45 guessed he was the senior of the two.
"Could you be more specific?" 45 jumped in. "What exactly is your job?" She needed to know if these two were a threat. They didn't look like they could put up a fight, but better safe than sorry. She had no desire to get jumped by whatever was the elf equivalent of a combat-search-and-rescue team, if such a thing existed.
Wayne turned to her, "We're called Prep and Landing. We ensure the family is asleep, the presents can fit under the tree, the milk and cookies are ok-"
"Milk and cookies?" 9 interrupted.
"Food poisoning."
45 nodded. "Makes sense. No one wants a present that's covered in puke."
Wayne glared at 45 as she grinned. "Not funny. Because of that stunt your friend over there pulled, no one is getting any presents! Christmas is ruined!"
Wayne then paused, as if coming to a sudden realization. "Wait a minute, why do you girls even have guns?"
45 narrowed her eyes. "We're the ones asking questions." Wayne tried to object, but 45 racking a round on her SMG quickly silenced him. "I think that you need to be aware of your present situation. You are currently our hostage and you will remain a hostage until you're no longer useful to us. If you want to be alive after that, I suggest that you refrain from asking about who we are and answer my sister's questions."
Wayne sat stunned for a moment, then slowly nodded his head. 45 took this as a sign he would cooperate for now.
9 resumed her questioning. "Why'd she get a present from Santa?" 9 asked as she pointed at G11's sleeping form.
Wayne swallowed, then replied, "I-I guess she was on the nice list? That's how one normally gets a present."
9 wasn't satisfied. "Well, obviously she was on the nice list. What we want to know is why she is even on a list? How'd the North Pole find out we were here? How'd they determine she was nice?"
"You'll have to ask the Naughty and Nice List Departments about that," Wayne replied. "I don't know all the details about how it works."
*SMACK* 45 slapped Wayne across the face.
"What did I just say about answering our questions? Tell us about the lists."
Wayne recoiled away and put his hands up. "Hang on, I just said I don't know how they work. How can you expect me to answer-"
*SMACK*
"Then tell us what you do know."
"WAITTTTTT!"
9, 45, and Wayne turned to look at Lenny, who was now sitting up and reaching out with one hand. He still had tears in his eyes and was quite clearly distressed.
"You have something to tell us?" 45 turned her attention to the junior elf.
"Yeah, I know a bit about the Tree Farm and I'll tell you. Just…just don't hurt Wayne." Lenny dropped his arms and balled his hands into fists. "He's my best friend."
45 smiled. "Good. Tell me about this Tree Farm, and how it allowed you to track us." Figures a Christmas elf would crack quickly.
Lenny was caught off guard by 45's seemingly sudden change in mood. He began fidgeting as he talked. "Well…the Database Tree Farm is what contains the naughty and nice lists. It's updated constantly with the good and bad actions of children all over the world. I guess she ended up on the list." Lenny pointed at G11. "It runs year round and monitors every kid that may receive a present from Santa."
9's eyes went wide. "Hold on! The North Pole has a global surveillance network that can see the actions of anyone you elves want to track?"
Lenny scratched his neck and gave a nervous smile. "I mean, I wouldn't put it like that, but I guess so."
"Scheisse!" 45 swore. These elves have been tracking us for who knows how long and they have a log of our every action. If Sangvis Ferri or someone else who wants us dead gets access to this database, they could find our safehouse and…
Wait…
What if…
45 grinned. She had an idea, an awful idea. 45 had a wonderful, awful idea.
It was insane, but if 404 could pull it off they'd be set for life. 45 let out a chuckle at the thought of it.
"Uhhh, 45? Everything okay?" 9 looked at her sister with concern.
"I'm fine, 9. Better than fine actually."
9 stared at her sister. After thinking for a moment, she voiced her thoughts.
"You're planning something aren't you, 45?"
"Ehhh?" G11 sat up from her place on the pillow. "Not another plan. I wanna keep sleeping."
"Hush, G11, you can have plenty of sleep after we finish. Now, Mr. Lenny?" 45 turned to the elf. He had joined Wayne on the couch. By this point, both elves looked thoroughly terrified, but Lenny somehow found his voice.
"Y-yes?"
"This…Tree Farm, you called it? Does it run solely on magic?"
"Well, no. The actual data is stored on computers at the North Pole, an-"
"Perfect!" 45 cut him off. "Now, how do we get to the North Pole?"
The room filled with silence. Lenny and Wayne sat with confusion, while 9 and G11 looked at 45 as if she had grown a second head. Even 416 looked up from her spot in the chair.
It was at this moment that Wayne's radio crackled to life.
"This is Jingle Belle to Little Drummer Boy. How copy, over?"
Magee was not having a good night. As she sat in the large air traffic control tower that was the central node for controlling Santa's journey around the world, displays and lights flickering around her, she reached to take a sip from an empty coffee mug.
As the North Pole Christmas Eve Command Center Coordinator, she was the elf in charge of acting as the ground controller for the Big Man's journey each year. It was a grueling job, requiring many long nights and eggnog lattes. However, she took pride in her work and she was never one to give half an effort. Magee spent 364 days each year training for this one night. A night that had to go perfectly.
Of course, it rarely did. Something always had to throw a wrench in the works. Tonight, Santa hadn't left a house for 15 minutes after making a delivery. He was running terribly behind schedule. At least she personally knew the elf assigned to the house in question. Wayne was a good friend and an even better Prep and Landing worker. She knew he could be counted on.
So why wasn't he picking up the radio?
"Say again, this is Jingle Belle to Little Drummer Boy. How copy, over?" Magee sighed. She already felt the caffeine from her last latte wearing off. She turned to her assistant standing by her desk. She could only see his hat as he was particularly small. "Tiny, get me another drink. And make sure it's the Yuletide Joe blend this time." The hat bobbed up and down, then scurried off.
Just then, she got a response.
"Jingle Belle, this is Little Drummer Boy. What do you… uh, you need, over?"
Magee frowned. Something was off about Wayne's voice. Tiny came over with her latte and placed it on the desk.
"Listen, Partridge has been at your house for far too long and we have a couple million other houses to visit tonight. What's the delay, over?"
"Umm… one moment, over."
"Wayne, don't one moment me! We have to get The Big Guy moving!" Magee reached for her coffee and went to take a big sip from the cup.
"Magee, I don't know how else to say this, but…The Big Guy is dead."
Magee spit-taked her latte, spraying her drink all over her desk and Tiny. Every elf in the control room turned as one toward the scene, startled by Magee's loss of composure.
Tiny, seemingly unaffected by getting doused in hot liquid, offered Magee a handkerchief. Magee, instead of accepting the offer, instead processed the most disastrous news she had ever received as the Command Center head.
"Oh, frostbite."
"Magee?" She looked in confusion at the radio in her hand, having forgotten it was there. She didn't know how to respond. How could Santa be dead? What happened? Was the sleigh gone too? Could Wayne be in danger? What about-
"Ma'am, is everything all right?" One of Magee's aides spoke up. "We really should get Santa moving, he needs to deliver the presents."
Magee snapped her head around. Oh, no, the presents!
"Whose gonna deliver the presents now if Santa's dead?" The whole room fell silent. Magee realized too late that she said that last part out loud.
*THUMP*
Magee looked to the side of her desk. Instead of seeing Tiny's hat poke up from behind the furniture, it now stuck out around the side of the desk, laying flat on the ground. The owner had presumably fainted.
The rest of the room's reaction was not much better.
"Magee? Magee? Are you there?" Wayne couldn't hear anything through the radio besides yelling and what almost sounded like crying.
"They don't sound like they are taking it well," the girl who called herself 45 spoke up, "then again, considering you're all elves that practically worship the guy, I don't know how they would."
"Then why did you tell me to let them know he's dead?" Wayne gave 45 a look before he made a sudden realization. "Wait, how can you hear them?"
"45's a great hacker. Breaking your radio encryption is easy for someone like her." 9, who Wayne assumed to be 45's sister, spoke up. "Though he does raise a good point, 45. Why didn't we just tie up these two and bail? We have the data for the job."
"Because, 9, a much bigger job just landed right in our laps." 45 smirked. "Wayne, I'm gonna talk to your boss. Magee, right?" Wayne nodded, although he didn't like where this was going.
"Wait, does that mean we have more work to do? I wanted to try my new pillow…" The little girl who 45 called G11 also seemed displeased. For some reason, she was carrying a gun almost as big as herself, which left Wayne confused. In fact, he couldn't for the life of him figure out why any of these girls had weapons.
Please let this be a bad dream. At this point, I'd prefer having overslept after Lenny's Christmas marathon…
"I already said you'll get lots of sleep once we are done, now shush." 45 keyed her radio. "404 to Jingle Belle. Can you hear me?" A few seconds passed before the response arrived.
"This, uh, this is Jingle Belle. I hear you, but who are you?" Magee's depressed voice came back through the radio.
"Why, hello there, Ms. Magee. My name is UMP45." In a split second, 45 had switched over to her best customer service voice. "I am in charge of a group of A-Dolls that does information collection and deliveries for many clients. My group happened to run into your elf team here and-"
Oh, they're robots. That somewhat explains the guns.
"Oh, not this too." Wayne could practically hear Magee's facepalm. "Wayne, if you're there, please use an ornament on them and return to your pick-up zone. We can't have robots running around telling people that Santa's dead."
"Now hold on, Ms. Magee, I believe we can reach a mutually beneficial arrangement. One of my dolls saw Santa's accident, and we happen to be looking for work, so I would like to offer my team's services to assist you." By now, Wayne was thoroughly confused and by the looks on the faces of 9 and G11, he wasn't the only one. He didn't know what 45 was playing at, but it couldn't be anything good.
"...What are you proposing?" Magee sounded interested, which was even worse.
"Here's the deal: my team and I will deliver all the presents that Santa hasn't delivered. In exchange, you will let us visit the North Pole, where we can discuss payment and more potential employment opportunities."
"WHAAAATTT!" 9 and Wayne shouted nearly in sync. Lenny's jaw dropped, and even G11 suddenly seemed wide awake. Even the white-haired girl who'd actually shot Santa, who had been quiet up to this point, stood up from her chair, glaring daggers at 45.
"You'll do that? You'll deliver the presents?" Magee seemed to be leaping at the idea as if clutching at some vague hope that Christmas could be salvaged.
"Of course. One of my coworkers was actually the last person to receive a present from Santa and *sniff* the joy she felt is something that shouldn't be taken from any child." 45 lied as easily as she breathed.
Holy fruitcake, she's fake crying. Wayne had no idea what she was playing at, but he wasn't going to this cotton-headed ninny-muggins ruin Christmas anymore. He reached for his radio to warn Magee to not take the deal, but he froze when he felt cool metal touch the back of his head.
"Don't even try it." 9 spoke up behind Wayne, gun held to his head. "Remember, you're still our hostage, so you have to do what we say. Besides, knowing 45, she's already disabled your radios from transmitting." 9's voice was shaking a little, and Wayne realized she didn't know what was going on as well.
Wayne felt a cold knot settle into his stomach as he realized his situation. It was Christmas Eve, Santa was dead, and the most threatening of the girl robots that had "accidentally" murdered the Big Guy was now holding him, his friend, and the rest of the presents as a ransom for payment. At least Magee would be smart enough to realize something was off and not take the deal.
"Deal!" Nevermind.
9 trusted her sister. Their bond had formed over several years of hardship, and they had many close calls over the years. After all, the life of an illegal doll was filled with danger, but 45 always had a way for the team to pull through. 9 could rely on her for a plan in any situation.
That trust that 45 had a plan was the sole reason 9 wasn't joining 416 in her tirade about how stupid this idea was.
"You want to save Christmas?! Have you finally lost your digimind? This is SANTA we are talking about. HE DOESN'T EXIST! Why are you even listening to these dummkopfs?" 45 responded by smiling.
"Well, based on the available evidence, that seems to be the only conclusion available. How else do you explain the disappearing body and the elves?"
"ELVES? Oh please, those are just midgets with ear extensions."
"HEY." Lenny tried to object, but he was quickly subjected to 416's fury.
"SHUT UP, MIDGET!" 416 turned back to 45. "And please, we've seen weirder unexplained shit than disappearing bodies in our contracts with Griffin. You are just being gaslighted by these two pretenders and a voice over the radio."
"Well, we can prove their story easily." 45 shrugged. "Let's just go to the roof and see if there's a sleigh."
9 swore she could've heard 416's teeth grinding against each other.
"A SLEIGH? I-I…" 416 sighed. "Fine, fine, we'll go to the roof and see if there's a sleigh. Let's say, for the sake of the argument, that there is one. MILLIONS of kids supposedly get presents from Santa. HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DELIVER THEM ALL?"
"Well, I'm not gonna deliver them, you are." 416's eyes went as wide as dinner plates.
"I'M going to deliver them? Why me?"
"Well, you did shoot Santa, so it makes sense you have to deliver them." By this point, 9 knew 45 was purposefully antagonizing 416. Despite her apparent newfound scheme, 45 still seemed to be upset at 416 for her mistake. Of course, 416 wasn't going to just accept this punishment.
"There is no way I'm going to deliver presents out of a damn sleigh. I'd rather let those kids not get any presents than be caught doing something so ridiculous." 9 decided that she better intervene before this came to blows. She was about to speak up, but then G11 of all people got involved. She ran over to 416 and pulled on her uniform to get her attention. 416 looked down with annoyance.
"Not now, G11"
"But 416, someone needs to deliver the presents."
"Why do you care, go back to sleep." G11 glanced over to her pillow, apparently tempted to do just that. After some thought, she turned back to 416.
"I was really happy when I got my present. I don't want to take that feeling away from others."
"Well, 45 can do it, it was her idea." G11 pouted at that.
"416, you trust 45 of all people to deliver the presents? You know she might just use this chance to steal the personal information of all the parents." 416 sighed.
"You raise a fair point, but there's still no way-"
"Besides, it is your fault this happened. Don't you always tell me you're supposed to take responsibility for your mistakes?" 416 went slack-jawed. She didn't have a comeback for that. After a few seconds, she turned to 45.
"Since when did you start teaching her to manipulate people?" 9 and 45 broke out into laughter at the situation, as G11 continued to tug at 416's uniform.
"I swear -hic- I swear I never did anything of the sort." 45 tried to contain her chuckling. "She just wants you to set a good example as a guardian." G11 nodded in agreement.
"C'mon 416, pleaseeeeee~" 9 noticed that even Wayne and Lenny were smirking now as G11 went full child and brought out the puppy-dog eyes. 416 closed her eyes and turned away, clenching her fists and muttering under her breath. After a few seconds, she slumped her shoulders.
"Gottverdammt…fine. I'll deliver the presents." G11's face lit up.
"Great, I'll get you Santa's coat and hat so you can wear it."
"Wait, WHAT?" This set off another round of laughter from the UMP twins.
"You need to wear the Santa suit so the kids aren't disappointed," G11 explained. "You think the kids want presents from a grouchy lady with an assault rifle?"
"You heard her. Get in the Santa suit, 416." 45 goaded the now furious T-Doll. 416 protested, but eventually, she took the coat from G11 and put it on.
9 smiled to herself. It seems she didn't need to intervene after all. She just hoped 45 knew what she was doing.
Worst. Day. Ever.
Those were the three words running through 416's head as she stood on top of the roof of the house, in the snow, wearing the most ridiculous outfit imaginable. At least the coat was warm.
She also should've known better than to call 45's bluff on the sleigh. If talking reindeer truly existed, they would have radios to talk to their HQ. Radios that 45 would've been able to pick up.
And sure enough, there was the sleigh. It was colored red and decorated with wreaths and jingle bells. Attached to the front end were the reindeer. There were 2 pairs of 4, and at the front, she could see the shining nose of Rudolph. All of it served to put her in an even worse mood.
As she was standing off to the side, 45 was with Wayne talking to the reindeer, catching them up to speed on the events that happened in the house. At least the 45-approved version of events. Meanwhile, Lenny and 9 were loading the bag of presents back into the sleigh. It was light, which was surprising until Wayne reminded them that magic was a thing. Finally, G11 had curled up in the sleigh with her pillow and was fast asleep.
"And she had the nerve to lecture me about responsibility." 416 grumbled. The worst part was that G11 was right. She messed up and killed Santa, so it was her job to fix the mistake. Thinking about the current situation in that mindset was the sole reason she hadn't decided to jump off the roof.
45 and Wayne walked away from the reindeer and back towards the sleigh. 416 heard her call over the Zener network.
"416, come back here. We are ready to go."
"Coming." 416 gave the shortest possible reply she could. She would do the job, but she was in no way obligated to be happy about it.
416 jumped into the front seat alongside Wayne and 45, while 9, Lenny, and G11 took the back. 45 handed the reins, which were also decorated with jingle bells, over to Wayne.
"Alright, let's get this show on the road. Wayne, take us to the first house." Wayne looked up in confusion.
"What makes you think I know how to drive this thing?" 45 sweatdropped.
"Well, you are the elf…"
"You think they train elves to pilot the reindeer? Only Santa can do that."
"Fair point." 45 took back the reins and handed them to 416. "Alright Santa, take us away." 416 turned and stared daggers at the brown-haired doll, who merely smiled back.
"Shut up, 45."
"Okay, 45, maybe that's a bit too far." 9 intervened to cut off the brewing conflict. "Perhaps we should first figure out where we are actually going?"
"Oh, that's easy." 45 waved her hand and a 416 received an address and directions from her over the Zener network. "I had Magee send us a list of houses we need to visit." 416's curiosity peaked.
"How many houses are there?" 416 knew she wasn't going to like the answer, but she needed to know."
"Oh, about 4.5 million." 416's grip tightened on the reins.
"GOTTVERDAMMT!" 416 cracked the reins and the reindeer shot forward, pulling the sleigh from the roof out into the air…
Only for it to crash back to the ground. The resultant impact woke up G11 and jostled the rest of the passengers.
"Watch it, 416. If we crash this thing we don't have a replacement." 45 scolded the doll.
"Hey, aren't we supposed to be flying?" Lenny, unfortunately, chose that moment to jump in, further enraging 416.
"I SAID SHUT UP!" 416 cracked the reins again, and the reindeer picked up speed. The sleigh picked up speed, weaving between parked cars and snow banks. Any time she encountered a turn, 416 yanked on the reins, causing the sleigh to bank sharply in the direction she wanted to go.
"Uhh 416, maybe we should slow down?" 9 said after one turn caused the sleigh to go up on one runner.
"NEIN! We have to reach millions of houses in one night, so we have to go this fast." 416 turned back to the reins and flicked it once more. "C'mon, fly dammit!" She had no idea how Santa reached every house, but she knew she had to get airborne if she wanted to deliver all the presents. Which shouldn't be physically possible, but then again this whole situation was ridiculous anyway so-
"LOOK OUT, GRANDMA 1 O'CLOCK!" Wayne yelled.
With a sickening *SMACK*, the side of the sleigh hit an old lady, sending her flying. The reindeer immediately stopped, bringing the sleigh to a sudden halt. The occupants were slammed forward, ending up on the floor of the sleigh bed.
"Alright, sound off. Anyone broken?" 45 was the first to get her bearings back.
"Lenny and I are fine."
"Owwwwwwww…."
"Holy fruitcake, you actually ran over a grandma with reindeer."
"Shut up, dummkopf."
"Okay, good to hear." 45 stood up and stretched her arms. "9, get out and check the pedestrian. Give some first aid if she's alive and call an ambulance. 416, check to make sure the presents are safe."
"On it." 9 jumped off the sleigh and ran over to the body. As 416 turned towards the bag of presents, she saw Wayne move to speak to 45.
"Hey, you seem remarkably calm for having just run over a pedestrian."
"Is that a problem?" 45 looked at Wayne from the corner of her eye.
"Yes, I'd say it is. You just hurt an innocent person. Can't we at least take her to the hospital?" 45 turned to face Wayne, and the look she gave him made 416 realize that he was in danger of becoming the night's third victim.
"Listen, Wayne, I don't particularly care about her. I just want to get this job done and get my payment as soon as possible. Dragging someone to the hospital in a sleigh just creates more problems. Besides, 9 knows first aid, she can-"
"45!" 9 suddenly cried out from next to the body. "IT'S HELIAN!" 45's eyes shot open.
"SCHEISSE! 9, hang on, I'm coming." 45 bolted from the sleigh over to where Griffin's second-in-command lay on the pavement. Wayne was left staring in confusion.
"What happened to 'I don't particularly care'?"
"It's because that woman is worth a lot to her alive." 416 explained. "She's responsible for 3/4ths of our team's contracts and income." 416 sighed and stood up. "I better go help her out."
416 leaped out of the sleigh, landing with barely a stumble. She ran over, wondering if this night could ever get worse.
"Uhh, 45, is it thirty breaths and two compressions or the other way around?"
She should really stop asking herself that.
AN: Hello again, reader.
Turns out this fic is gonna be longer than I thought, so I had to back up the USAF trolling until a later chapter. Fortunately, that means you get more jokes.
I also don't have a consistent upload schedule due to college and how I write, but work continues.
I want to thank you once again for taking the time to read my story. Thank you Branded once again for beta-ing this story.
Finally, I want to say thank you and congratulations to Johnny Wycliffe, the author of the recently completed Field Agent. Without his fic, I would've never gotten involved in GFL at all.
You can chat with me, Johnny, Branded, and a bunch of other GFL fanfic writers over on the GFL fanfic server: discord . gg / Narj32rV (Delete the spaces)
That's all for now, see you next time.