Hearts live by being wounded
~Oscar Wilde~
Malfoy Manor had not changed since the last time she had been here. Hermione felt a cold shiver run up and down her spine as she followed Narcissa Malfoy through the large entrance hall. The hallway was still lined with portraits. Cold, grey eyes watched her arrival. Others seemed to be scrutinising Narcissa as she walked past. Narcissa was now the lady of the house, Hermione knew. Lucius was spending the remainder of his days in Azkaban and it would appear as if his ancestors did not quite approve of Narcissa still being here.
Hermione froze in the open door leading to the drawing room. The magnificent chandelier had been restored. An image flashed through her head of the thing falling down, partially on top of her. She flinched subconsciously. The dark purple walls were also still lined with portraits but it were not the portraits that terrified her. The memories in this room scared her more than anything. Her eyes were automatically drawn to the ornate marble fireplace and then to the floor. There, in that exact same spot, she had withered in excruciating pain as Bellatrix had tortured her. The thought of her lover causing her so much pain almost instantly drew tears to her eyes and she clamped herself to the doorframe.
Narcissa turned when she realized Hermione was not following her and raised her eyebrows. "Do come in, Miss Granger"
Hermione stepped into the drawing room and slowly walked across the room until she reached the fire place. She narrowed her eyes as she looked at Narcissa from head to toe. She looked very little like the third year old she remembered. Her hair was still as blonde of course and her eyes still as blue but her facial expression had changed. There was no longer that innocence and the smile that had lingered on her lips for days on end had disappeared.
"How much do you remember?" Hermione asked whilst staring into the orange flames.
Narcissa stirred but did not turn to look at Hermione. She folded her hands but her eyes were fixed on a spot on the wall. "My memories are far from vague, Miss Granger. In whatever way. They collide with each other sometimes as they battle for strength. I always find myself questioning which ones are true and which ones are the remainder of my dreams"
Hermione realized Narcissa – like Ginny and Minerva- possessed both sets of memories. One set described the events before she travelled back in time, the other was the set that described the current timeline in which so much had changed. One of them was her husband locked away in prison. "The timeline has been changed far more severely than I thought" Hermione muttered, more to herself then to Narcissa. She slumped down in one of the black leather arm chairs. "I had no idea it could have such an impact"
Narcissa slightly turned and her eyes now rested on Hermione. "You have no idea what you have done"
"You're right. I don't. When I went back in time I had no idea I could change things so much. If I had known..." Hermione clutched her head and grabbed fistfuls of hair. Everything had changed. The life and future she had known before was gone. She had returned to a world she barely knew. One of her best friends was dead. He had died instead of his brother.
"I did not mean by simply travelling back in time, Hermione. That was an accident beyond your control" Narcissa now used her first name. A point that proved she remembered. Hermione looked up. Narcissa's eyes had darkened. It wasn't anger but there was a hit of disapproval flickering behind her cerulean eyes. "I mean the moment you married my sister and destroyed the future like it was supposed to have been"
Hermione sighed. Her heart ached in her chest and her mind was blurred. The world looked so different when she looked out of a window. The trees and the hills had not changed and the birds still sang their songs but everybody around here was different. She had looked at her friends and noticed how much they had changed. And she had caused it. Because she loved Bellatrix. Because she had married her. Their souls had been bound. A union that could not be broken. And she needed her. She needed her more than anything.
Hermione glared up to Narcissa, who now sat down in one of the other armchairs. Blonde hair almost seemed to glow in the yellow gloom of the fire. "I need to find her, Narcissa. I know what she was. Now I need to know what she is"
"She is your wife" answered Narcissa. Her voice was dull and her eyes pierced into Hermione's. She sighed. "She was unable to marry Rodolphus after she had married you. The shame upon my family was greater than you can ever imagine. My parents came close to disowning her until she joined the Dark Lord and earned my father's gratitude. Pride overcomes shame. Even in a pure blood family. And since you were gone... They couldn't marry her off but they didn't have to live with the reminder of their embarrassment either"
"The Dark Lord" Hermione sighed when she heard Narcissa mention Bellatrix had joined the Death Eaters after all. She remembered Ginny mentioning her and remembered how Ginny had said she got away after the battle. It was all she had left. The knowledge of her friend that Bellatrix was still alive. "I warned her not to. I warned her and she did not listen"
Narcissa searched Hermione's face. She recognised the same emotions she had seen in those hazel eyes thirty years ago. A look she only saw whenever Hermione looked at Bellatrix from across the room. She had long ago accepted her sister had fallen in love with a Muggle born. She was glad she had managed to hold onto her where she had lost Andromeda. Bellatrix had only joined the Dark side after immense pressure. Part of the promise she made was that her family would remain safe. But it was her own life she cared little about. With Hermione gone, it was as if she lost all reason to live. She had begun to challenge herself and others and once she joined the Dark Lord she was always the first one to sign up for the most dangerous missions. She had found solace and comfort in the constant pain her body was in. And it was why she did the things she did.
"Bella was a spy" Narcissa suddenly confessed, causing Hermione's head to snap up. Hazel eyes connected with Narcissa's blue. The words surprised her. "She started out working for the Order. She was passing on information about the Dark Lord so that the Order would succeed in their resistance. She was the one making sure the plans of the Dark Lord failed. No one was ever to know apart from Dumbledore. I doubt anyone in the Order knew. She never told anyone. Not even me. But I knew. I know my sister"
"A spy..." Hermione shook her head as the realization began to sink in. Had the timeline altered that much Bellatrix didn't sell her soul to the Dark Lord after all? Could it really have happened that – until that final moment inside the castle- she had held onto to the Light and she was now hiding because there was no one left to prove she truly had been working for the Order. Dumbledore was dead and no one would ever believe Narcissa, the wife of a Death Eater imprisoned in Azkaban. Hermione sighed. Ginny had told her how deranged Bellatrix had appeared. "But she was mad..."
"She was mad over losing you" Narcissa answered softly. She brushed her slim fingers through her wavy blonde hair and took a deep breath. Her eyes were fixed on Hermione. It was terrifying to see the girl had changed nothing at all from the image in her head. The young woman her sister had fallen in love with. And Hermione claimed she still loved Bellatrix. Even now. "And I said she was a spy, Hermione. Or Madam Black or whatever I should call you. A dark day came when she did sell her soul. I do not remember when it was. The battle had been endless. And I think she just gave up hope. But she never sold her heart. She had already lost that to you"
Tears seeped through Hermione's eyelashes. Confusion had crept into her chest. She had made herself believe the world would be clear and simple when she returned. She had been so wrong. She was more lost now than ever before. How much of the Bellatrix she knew before her travels – the maniac and deranged Death Eater- had survived into this present day? And how much of the young woman she had met, loved and married, was left? And what part of Bellatrix didn't she know at all?
"Where is she now?" Hermione's teary hazel eyes looked up to Narcissa. Her words could only be described as a desperate plea. She was begging Narcissa for answers. "No matter how right or wrong... she is my wife"
It sounded strange to even say it. Bellatrix was her wife. They were married. It felt right and wrong at the same time. She was almost nineteen. Bellatrix was by now 47. Everything about this seemed wrong yet it felt right. Their hands had fitted together so perfectly. The diamond beat together like a single heart. Hermione remembered the raven haired girl pointing out the constellations when they were lying on their backs in the grass, staring up to the star riddled sky. She would giggle and smile and then reach for her hand. She missed those moments. She missed being with Bellatrix. But she knew that at the same time, everything had changed because of them. Because of what they had done.
"Narcissa, you know where she is. I know you do. She wouldn't tell anybody else but you. I told her to keep her sisters close. And she may have lost Andromeda but I know she held on to you" Hermione whispered desperatly. Her words made Narcissa flinch. Silent tears rolled down Hermione's cheeks. "She would have told you"
"South Wales" Narcissa answered unexpectedly. She barely recognized her own voice. Her eyes caught Hermione's. "She is in Wales. She is hiding somewhere in the mountains. She never quite told me where. Just enough for me to find her if I let her know I am coming" She looked at Hermione. Her eyes searched the younger woman's face. "Why are you so desperate to find her now?"
Hermione cried silent tear and shook her head. "I have to do this, Narcissa. I have to divorce her. Break the union. For both our sakes"
She loved her. She loved her in the past. She remembered her then. She remembered the seventh year Slytherin with the raven curls and the shy little smile. The one who would take her hand in the courtyard or crawl into her bed in the middle of the night. The woman she was now Hermione didn't know. She didn't even know who she had become. How could she still love her? She loved her. She always would. But everything was different. Bellatrix had lost 30 years and had gained memories that tormented her every single day. Thirty years worth of memories and thoughts. Hermione had lost nothing.
"You can't" Narcissa stood up and walked from her chair to Hermione's. For a moment it looked like she was going to drop down before her but she remained standing. "You can't do this, Hermione. Bellatrix... She needs you. She needs you to hold on. You can't!"
"I have to" Hermione whispered and tried to look away. Narcissa wouldn't let her. She firmly held Hermione's gaze.
Narcissa fought back her own tears. She had witnessed her sister fall deeper and deeper into her own darkness. She had watched how she lost herself in desperation over her lost lover. "It will destroy her"
Hermione shook her head and brushed the tears from her cheeks. It was too late for destruction. There was little left to be broken. "Narcissa, it already has"
Narcissa turned away and stared into the fire. When Hermione had arrived here tonight she had been shocked to see her. It was as if a memory had come back to live. She sighed. The flames were eating away at the heavy logs and the warmth filled the room. Through an open window a soft gust of wind found its way into the room. The curtains briefly stirred but then hung still once more. "Holding on to you and your love was what kept her believing"
Hermione left her chair and walked across the drawing room to the open window. The gardens of Malfoy Manor were beautiful and all the flowers were in blood. An ocean of colours greeted her and she could hear the faint sound of water streaming from a fountain. She wrapped her arms around herself and whished the pain in her heart would go away. "I am not the one Bellatrix married, Narcissa. She married a dream. A ghost from her past. I never really existed"
"You did to her. That ring proves it" Narcissa approached Hermione and took her hand. The golden ring still glistened around her finger. The black diamond seemed pale and Hermione could not remember when she had last felt the tender beating. Narcissa's slim, ivory fingers traced the ring and then she averted her eyes. "You cannot divorce my sister"
Hermione felt broken. The world outside seemed so unreal. Nobody knew what had happened back in 1969. There was only her, Minerva McGonagall and Narcissa Malfoy. The world she knew had fallen apart. Ron was dead. Ginny had lost a brother, regardless of which one. She had tried not to imagine his pale, lifeless face and his empty eyes. Harry had lost his best friend. She had lost her friend. And she had lost her lover. And she had no idea where to go from here or what to do. It was a dream.
She looked at Narcissa. Once again tears began to drip down her cheeks. Narcissa let go of her hand and watched how the tears trickled down Hermione's skin. "My God, what have I done?"
Hermione returned to Hogwarts before the majority of students arrived back from Hogsmeade. The corridors were empty, apart from the occasional ghost. She found the quietness of the common room a welcome retreat and drew up one of the chairs by the fire and curled herself up. Her mind was spinning with everything she had learned from Narcissa. If anybody would even suspect she had gone to see her she knew she would be in trouble. Hermione had only been sitting like this for ten minutes when she heard the portrait swing aside and she curiously looked over her shoulder to see who entered the common room. To her surprise, and slight dismay, it was Minerva.
"Miss Granger" Minerva said in her familiar Scottish lilt and without asking she too drew up a chair and sat down "I couldn't help but notice you decided not to join your classmates in Hogsmeade"
Hermione sighed and made sure to avoid those piercing green eyes. "I... I didn't quite feel like going in the end, Professor. I am not great company at the moment and I didn't want to spoil it for anybody else. Ginny had been looking forward to it for days"
Minerva nodded and glared at the fire for a moment. She knew the reason for Hermione's depressed state. "Bellatrix?"
Hermione sighed. "Professor, I really don't want to talk about it" She looked up. "Do you go around talking to every student whenever they suffer from a broken heart? Because that is exactly how this feels. A broken heart that has been shattered in so many pieces I don't know if it can ever be fixed. So unless you know some kind of spell or charm that can make all of that go away, I just wish for everybody to just leave me alone"
Minerva admitted her defeat and stood up. She respected the fact Hermione wanted to be alone. She started back across the room but turned before climbing through the portrait hole."Hermione, you need to understand that it would be most unwise for you to start looking for Bellatrix. You don't know who she is now. You have no idea what she has become"
Hermione's hazel eyes snapped up and her nails dug into the armrest of her chair. Anger flickered behind her eyes and she clenched her teeth. "And you do, Professor?" she violently sneered "Because up till the moment I returned you too had no idea how much everything had changed. And maybe Bella didn't turn out to be what you think she is"
Minerva wanted to say something in return but decided it was better not to. She shot one final worried glance at Hermione, who had turned back to the fire, and then climbed back through the portrait hole. Hermione closed her eyes and rested her head against the chair. She was tired and she could not remember the last time she had felt so confused. She was desperate for answers. She needed to know. She could not just stay where she was and never learn the truth.
The cottage lay deeply hidden in the thick Welsh forests. Inside it was untidy. A thick layer of dust covered the cupboards, the chest of drawers and the large wooden table in the middle of the room. It was cold. There was no electricity, no running water and no heating. The wallpaper was peeling down the walls and a stale stench of mould lingered around the cottage. One of the back windows had been broken and badly mended with just a wooden plank. Splinters of glass still lay untouched in the window sill. Some of the curtains had been ripped and as the wind blew through the broken window they looked strangely macabre against the glass. The clock on the wall had stopped ticking and was forever frozen on seventeen minutes past twelve. The room was covered in darkness. The furniture almost looked ancient and gave the room an even drearier appearance. A few candle stumps lay scattered around the room. A silent reminder that someone had been living in this dark hole.
She shuffled through the darkness, carefully avoiding the furniture in the room. Her appearance was so dark and dusty that she easily blended in with her unkempt surroundings. Unruly black curls fell down the sides of her gaunt, ivory coloured face. Bony white fingers clutched a wand; the tip was lit and cast a weak beam of light around the room. She babbled softly against herself.
But her memories were vivid. And even though nobody else quite believed them to be true, she knew them to be real. Her dark orbs looked down at her hands and in the silver beam of light the golden ring around her finger lit up. The diamond in its core had been beating softly, a feeling that had sparked the sense of hope she thought she'd lost.
And then she smiled to herself."Hermione, my love. I promised to be waiting"
February faded into March and the final cold spells of winter were replaced by the flowering buds of spring. From behind the clouds the sun came peering out and occasionally warmed the world with its tender rays. It was early morning and the sun had barely risen over the horizon.
"Hermione?"
She opened her eyes and found Ginny standing beside her bed. She blinked a few times and then realized Ginny was fully dressed. She frowned. Ginny was not normally the most eager person to get out of bed in the morning and judging from the light falling into the room it was still early.
"Whatisit Gin?" Hermione groaned as she tried to pull the covers back over her head. It was Saturday and she had no intentions of getting up just yet. Or getting up at all. She had even overcome some of her pride and had accepted the Hogwarts house elves delivering food to her dormitory when she spend her whole day in bed.
"Harry and I are going into London today, remember?" Ginny asked. Her voice betrayed her excitement and slowly Ginny's story from the previous night returned to Hermione. Harry and Ginny were still together in this timeline and had decided to move into 12 Grimmauld Place. Since Sirius had been Harry's godfather the house was passed onto Harry when he died. And now that the war was over, he could do with it as he pleased. And only recently had he decided he wanted to live in it. But the house needed a lot of work doing and they would start today.
"McGonagall said it is all right if you want to come and help. We can use her Floo Network. The one in Grimmauld Place has been connected" Ginny said and now climbed onto the bed and began tugging at the sheets. Hermione desperatly tried to hold on to her duvet but Ginny pulled it away anyway. "Oh come on Mione, I'd really appreciate it if you'd come down and help us"
Hermione sighed and then slipped out of bed. She turned to Ginny. "Ten minutes, OK? I just need to get dressed and then I'll see you down in the common room"
Ginny left and Hermione quickly got dressed in a pair of old jeans and an old T-shirt. She tied her hair back in a loose ponytail and then quickly went downstairs to join Ginny. Her friend was eagerly waiting and almost launched herself through the portrait hole. Hermione grinned to herself. She had come to appreciate the simple things her friends went through. Doing up a house, finishing their homework and complaining about their classes. Life had returned to normal, or so it felt to everybody else. It all seemed so simple compared to her own struggles. It had been several weeks since she saw Narcissa Malfoy. She had been unable to sneak out of the castle since. Minerva's watching eyes were everywhere. Whatever plans she had to go see Narcissa again and learn where in Wales Bellatrix was staying, she had been unable to put them into practice. Minerva was watching her every day.
Hermione followed Ginny through the portrait hole and together they made their way to McGonagall's office. She was waiting for them and barely looked up from her paperwork when they walked in. The flames in her fireplace already roared green. She peered over her glasses, her eyes fixed on Hermione. "Have a good day, Miss Granger, Miss Weasley"
They used the Floo Network and seconds later they arrived at Grimmauld Place. Stepping out of the marble fireplace Hermione found herself standing in the familiar living room. Memories instantly flooded back into her mind. The meetings with the Order and the weeks she lived here before the start of her fifth year. The times she spent here when she had been travelling with Ron and Harry. She froze for a moment as Ginny charged straight out of the living room door and into the kitchen.
There was very little left of the Grimmauld Place she remembered. Dust covered every surface and there was a stench that could best be described as a room that had no fresh air for several years. The windows were covered in a thin, grey layer of grease. The curtains seemed to be moving and Hermione wondered whether they were once again filled with Doxy's. Even though it was morning the room was only dimly lit. Because of the grease the sunlight couldn't fall into the room. Hermione looked down. The floor was made out of hardwood and she had always loved it. She hoped Ginny and Harry would keep it.
"Hermione?" It was Harry's voice calling from the kitchen and Hermione quickly hurried down the hall and into the large kitchen. Harry was standing by the cooker, clearly making tea. When she appeared in the doorway he truned around and Hermione quickly ran towards him and swung her arms around his neck. Harry eagerly answered her hug and she rested her head on his shoulder.
"I am so glad to see you" Harry said as he pressed Hermione a bit tighter against his chest "When Ginny told me what happened... We were all quite worried. But you made it back in once piece"
Hermione let go of her best friend and looked at him. Harry had started his Auror training but now on his own. There was no Ron to keep him company. His green eyes looked more alive than she had ever seen them and he looked healthy and well. She smirked and patted him on the arm. "I suppose I just couldn't give up the adventures"
Ginny was bouncing with enthusiasm. "Where do we start?"
Hermione glanced at her and grinned. "I hope you brought the Doxycide"
They worked downstairs for the first part of the day. Hermione had taken on the living room and the dining room whereas Harry and Ginny were clearing out the kitchen. Hermione used a simple cleaning spell to remove the grease from the windows and once the glass was clean the bright sunlight fell into the room. The wooden floor looked even better now. Another few flicks from her wand cleared away the dust. There were advantages to doing cleaning when in possession of a wand. She had reduced all the furniture to pocket size and left them in the corner of the room. Now that the living room was as good as empty the size of it really became clear. The Victorian ceiling was breathtaking and once in awhile Hermione looked up to just stare at the beautiful ceiling roses.
They had lunch in the living room, seated on the floor. After that they climbed the stairs to the second floor and they all took on a different room. Another half an hour past before suddenly Harry's voice cut through the silence. "HERMIONE!"
She froze. She knew that tone of voice. Hermione left her room, walked across the landing and entered the room in which Harry had been working. Ginny was there too. She was standing by the wall and Hermione immediately realized in which room they were. The Black tapestry still looked as ancient and ornate as ever. It didn't seem to have faded over the last few years. Ginny was standing right by it but Harry was standing in the middle of the room.
Fear crept into her heart. She glanced at the tapestry. Ginny was still inspecting it. "No..."
Harry's eyes were flickering dangerously behind his glasses. Mere seconds ago he had been standing at Ginny's side but now that Hermione entered his were fixed on her. Only then did Hermione notice he had drawn his wand. Her eyes widened and she took a step back. "Harry..."
"YOU MARRIED HER!" Harry shouted. His hand was shaking and Hermione feared that in his anger a spell would erupt. She slipped her hand in her pocket but realized she had left her wand in the other room. She was defenceless. "You married Bellatrix Black!"
Hermione shook her head. "You don't understand..." she said as tears began to well up in her eyes. Harry walked towards her with his wand still aimed at her in a threatening way. Hermione took a few steps back until her back collided with the wall behind her. Her heart was pounding in her chest. Harry looked beside himself with anger. "Harry, please listen to me..."
"Get out!" Harry hissed through his clenched teeth "Get your stuff and get the hell out of my house! Just get out! Traitor!"
He left the room and Hermione heard him run down the stairs. Her eyes shot across the room and found Ginny as she turned away from the tapestry. Their eyes met across the room and Ginny shook her head. Without saying a word she followed Harry out of the room and down the stairs. Hermione dropped to the floor. Tears were streaming down her face. She covered her face in her hands and cried like she had not cried before. It felt as if her heart had been ripped out of her chest.
Minutes past and then, eventually, she looked up. She staggered to her feet and walked across the room. She knelt down in front of the tapestry and her eyes were instantly drawn to the spot that carried Bellatrix's name. She remembered how it had once been linked to Rodolphus Lestrange with gold embroidery. Now, it was not Rodolphus' name on the tapestry. There was now a golden line connecting Bellatrix Black to Hermione Granger. Neither of them had been blasted off the tapestry. Perhaps because the general believe was that she had been a pure blood. But here it was. The reminder of her union with Bellatrix.
Hermione turned away from the tapestry, ran into the next room to collect her wand and by the time she made it down the stairs Harry had already thrown her bag into the hall. It rested against the front door. He and Ginny were lingering in the living room and both looked up when Hermione came down stairs. She met Harry's eyes and opened her mouth to say something but Harry cut her off.
"Whatever reason you have, I don't want to hear it. Just get out" he said and Hermione averted her eyes. She picked up her bag, opened the front door and stepped outside into the sunshine. When the door closed behind her she felt lonelier than she had ever felt before. She hurried down the path leading down to the road and then, after making sure no one saw her, she Disapparated.