Okay, first, I'd like to apologize for how long this chapter took to update. A lot happened. Specifically, since I started writing it:

I caught a cold.

Work increased my hours, leaving me little time to write.

Writer's block reared its ugly head as I had a hard time figuring out where I wanted to go from here

And to top it off, I was unhappy with how it was progressing, so I started the whole chapter from scratch after a number of pages.

But now it's done, and here it is for your enjoyment. Hopefully. I thought I was done with EXPOSITION, EXPOSITION, EXPOSITION, but I came up with some new ideas. Please point our any mistakes, or tell me if anything is too complicated/simplistic. I value your opinions.

It's currently 6:00am and I'm walking through the park clad in a sky-blue sundress and straw sunhat. In my right hand is a suitcase packed with essentials I'll need for our "training mission" to Okinawa. The reason for this early departure is quite simple. Normally I'd hate the idea of even being awake this early on a day off from school, but I had some special motivation to make it to our usual meeting place first.

"The person who arrives last will have to spend the entire day in a bikini!"

Haruki's voice rings through my head, sending a shiver up my spine. As decreed by the self-appointed supreme leader of the S.O.S. Brigade, the punishment for being the last to arrive to our 9am meeting at the train station would be forced to spend the entire day wearing nothing but two slim pieces of water-proof fabric in public.

Now, let me be honest here. I was actually getting used to this body. Being a girl wasn't that different from being a guy, when you really think about it. Okay, the clothes are different, but they were surprisingly comfy, and even a bra wasn't so bad once you know how to actually put one on. In fact, other than some bizarre feelings I had around certain people that I'm not going to get into right now, I can't really complain. Yeah, I wanted my own life back, but as far as Haruki goes, this was a far cry from the usual messes we have to clean up. No psychotic, knife-wielding aliens aiming to kill me, no hidden villas in a blizzard to navigate, and no giant blue Celestials smashing buildings in Closed Space.

And it didn't hurt that I looked damn good in a ponytail, if I dare say so.

But, with all the said, as normal as this world may have been, with standard laws of physics and no new supernatural phenomenon to counter, I was absolutely, positively, one-hundred percent unwilling to parade around my body in a skimpy piece of a swimwear. Sometimes a man has to take a stand, even if he's a woman.

Haruki would hear none of it, of course. As firm an anti-bikini stance I could take, Haruki's wrath was a force of nature, one a mere boy-turned-girl could never hope to withstand. Thus, rather than convince him to drop his humiliating punishment, the only logical solution was to beat him at his own game. And for that, I recruited help.

"K-Kyonko, your luggage looks heavy. Please, let me carry it for you." Beside me was Asahina Mitsuuru. Dressed in a white dress shirt and tan slacks, his simple attire only served to highlight his adorable features. I was slightly disturbed to find a boy so cute, but it was Asahina,the club's mascot and the savior of my heart and sanity all the same.

"No, I'm fine. Let's just concentrate on getting to the meeting place as early as possible."

My reason for bringing Asahina with me was two-fold.

First, last night he called me to inform me that Haruki had told him that he would arrive two-hours early with Tsuruya, Nagato, and Koizumi to ensure that I was the last to arrive, and that Asahina should come with them. To have such a devoted friend, to risk Haruki's evil rampage to warn me of his diabolical plans to humiliate me in public, truly I was blessed by the gods. We were now partners in crime.

Secondly, even if I arrived early enough, there was a chance that Asahina would arrive too late. If that happened, I feared for the poor boy's self-image. Yesterday's disaster with the maid outfit already proves that Haruki will completely ignore gender when it comes to punishments, and I don't know how much more mental scarring Asahina can take. Thus, it was my duty to protect his innocent and beautiful mind from Haruki's corruption.

And we failed.

When we arrived at our usual meeting place, Haruki, Tsuruya, Nagato, and Koizumi were all sitting and waiting. My heart sank into my stomach. How was this possible?!

"Well played, Kyonko, but your efforts were in vain," Haruki stated with the sinister grin of a madman watching his evil plans fall into place.

Asahina was trembling in terror. "B-B-B-But y-you said—you said you'd arrive two hours early, not three! H-How—Why—Waaaaaah!"

"Yes, I told you I'd be here two hours early instead of three. Because I knew you'd betray me!" Haruki pointed accusingly at Asahina causing the boy to lose his footing and tumble to the ground in tears. "I purposely misdirected you to make a point! If you want something badly enough, you must be willing to trick, steal, lie, and fight for it! That's the Law of Being a Man #1!"

"Wait," I stopped to think. "Are you saying you were willing to sit out here at 5 o'clock in the morning because you wanted to... to see me in a bikini?"

Haruki's face immediately turned bright red. I want to say I hit the bulls-eye, but the idea that he... you know, I'm just going to stop thinking about that.

"O-Of course not. Who'd want to see a f-flat stick like you in a b-bikini?"

"What... did you call me?" Suddenly, rage filled my entire being. I did not wake up early and march through the streets, carrying a heavy suitcase, just to be called flat.

Haruki sighed. "Well, it's the truth. You might as well be a boy with a figure like that. You need at least some curves to pull off a bikini."

"I am a girl, dammit! I'm one-hundred percent female! In fact, I bet I'd look so good in any swimsuit it'd knock your socks off!"

"Then prove it!"

"I will!"

...And that outburst of pride is how I ended up standing outside, in public, wearing nothing but a yellow bikini, one that tied into a bow at the front of my chest. Koizumi claims she managed to obtain my measurements from the school nurse's office, though more likely the Organization already had them, and was tasked last night with procuring a bikini that would suit me. Dammit, this is a conspiracy!

"D-Don't you dare laugh..." I pulled my sunhat down over my face and stared down at my sandals. I didn't want to see their reactions. As much as it pained me to admit it, Haruki was right. I was almost as flat as a board. The swimsuit had special pads sewn in, but even with them, I had next to nothing.

"W-Well, I s-suppose y-you're not as bad as I th-thought..." Haruki stuttered. I quickly lifted my hat off my head to see him turning his head away and... was he... blushing?

Before I could determine if he was, in fact, turning red, a painful slap came across my spine. "Wahaha!" Tsuruya laughed. "Lookin' pretty darn cute there, Kyonko!"

"As I thought. Yellow is definitely your best color," stated Koizumi with her usual lady-like smile. "It looks great on you."

As my embarrassment and humility reached their peak, Asahina chimed in. "K-Kyonko... you look... I mean..." His face was as redder than my own. "I can't explain... why do I feel so... so..."

"All right, now it's your turn!" Haruki interrupted the orange-haired boy's confused monologue, placing his arm around his shoulder.

"Eh? Wait, me? What--?"

"W-Wait, what are you doing? I was the last to arrive!" I saw where this was going and I didn't like it.

"No, you two were both the last to arrive, so you both must be punished! Koizumi!"

"Yes, sir. Right here." Koizumi removed a scarlet piece of clothing from her bag and tossed it to Haruki, who proceeded to drag a screaming Asahina off into the men's room. I could only listen in a mix of terror and curiosity as screams emerged from the now forbidden room.

"Ah, no, no, stop! Not that!"

"Quit squirming and give up already!"

"Ah, don't touch that!"

"What's your problem? We're both guys here!"

"But I'm not—I wasn't—Eeeeeek! Please! At least let me do it myself!"

Haruki emerged moments later looking rather triumphant. How can someone look so smug after sexually harassing such an innocent person?

Asahina then followed suit, slowly walking out of the bathroom with a look of utter defeat written across his face which was covered in tears. And on his body... oh wow. A snug, scarlet bikini left little to the imagination. His feminine looks made it impossible to tell that he was a boy behind that tight suit, digging into his hips, so tenderly—wait, I'm... I'm drooling.

"My, it does suit you," remarked Koizumi.

"I can't believe you're a guy," added Haruki. "Dammit, you make such a cute girl I just... just... c'mere, you!"

This takes me back. Haruki tackled Asahina to the ground and began his sexual assault, molesting and teasing the poor boy. He bit down on Asahina's right ear, causing the bikini-clad lad to shriek in terror as tears rolled down his face. And for a while there, I was jealous. I'm not sure whose place I'd rather have been in.

"It would seem that our train is here, shall we depart?" Koizumi snapped us all back to reality.

"Ah, yeah. Thanks," Haruki said as he dropped the still sobbing Asahina to the ground.

As it turns out, Tsuruya's family does a lot of business with this train station, and has several private rooms in the back of the train that we were free to use. This suited me just fine, as I was growing more and more embarrassed as the number of people staring at my attire, or lack thereof, increased.

"All right!" Haruki slammed his hand on a particular door. "Tsuruya, you're with me in this room. We have to plan our schedule in secret! The rest of you are not to listen in to our plannings! If you do, you'll face the death penalty! The death penalty!"

Not that I care, but I thought we were going to Okinawa to train to be 'manlier,' whatever that meant. Why did training have to be secret?

"Idiot!" Haruki seemed to yell angrily, but his smile seemed to be full of pride. "Law of Being a Man #2: Be prepared for that which you are unprepared! How can you train to the maximum if you know what's coming? A true man is ready for anything, even when he's not ready!"

"You're contradicting yourself."

"It's basic logic! What kind of man do you think you are?"

I sighed. "For the last time, I'm a girl! Ugh. Whatever, I have a headache now. I'm going to go sit down."

I slid open the door to our private room and sat next to the window, staring out, wondering how we managed to get on board dressed like this. I was surprised a conductor didn't throw us off. Or maybe they just saw Haruki with us and knew that trying to kick us off would just start a fight they couldn't win. Haruhi is scary enough. Put her in the body of a tall, strong man, and he's downright scary.

"You know, I wasn't trying to flatter you before," Koizumi interrupted my train of thought as she sat beside me. "I really do think that suit looks good on you."

My face reddened. "L-Like I care. I'm a guy, so why would I care how I look in a bikini?"

"Oh? But were you not just lecturing Suzumiya for not recognizing you as female?"

"Y-Yeah, well, that's just—I mean, physically, biologically—for now—Argh, why do I need to explain this to you?"

Koizumi smiled charmingly as Nagato and Asahina took the seats opposite from us.

"Well, if you wouldn't mind, could you tell me what makes a man a man and a woman a woman?"

"Eh?" I didn't like where this was going but I figured I'd play along anyway. "I suppose the obvious choice is the body."

"Oh? Well, if that's the case, I'd say you're most definitely female, then. You are who you are. It's usually much easier to just accept that and move on. You can deny reality all you want, but it won't change by just thinking about it. Those who change the world are those who fight hard to bring about change instead of passively hoping for it."

I shot Koizumi an irritated glare. "In other words, I am a girl, and I need to either accept that or get Haruki to change me back to a guy."

"I'd say that sums it up nicely," the beautiful freak said with a phony smile. God I hate her sometimes. But she's also right. Though that only makes me hate her more.

I couldn't stand Koizumi's beautiful face anymore, so I averted my gaze to see Nagato reading a book. I bet that's all he brought in that case of his. Well, I suppose he needs a week's worth, but still. And then there was Asahina. Once I laid my eyes on him, they were fixated. He was too damn cute. In that red bikini, he was just so feminine, you'd never guess he was a guy, but he was. And that made the feelings flowing through my body all the more confusing.

"W-Wah..." he cried. "Eh?" He looked up to see my staring and quickly shrieked. "Eeeeek! No, don't look at me!" He began to sob as he curled up into the fetal position in his chair.

His adorable factor was increasing rapidly. "Asahina, it's... It's okay. Really. You look cute." Wait, is that the right thing to say?

Asahina looked up, back into my own eyes, with tears pouring down his cheeks. "Th-Thank you, Kyonko. I know you mean well but... Waaaaah... I got so many stares... Now I'll never be a bride..."

"Uh... Asahina, right now, you're a guy, you couldn't be a bride to begin with."

"Eh?! Oh no, that's right! But... I always dreamed..." I could see the waterworks beginning in his eyes, and I had to move fast.

"Ah, wait, no, don't cry! Tell you what. If we end up stuck like this, I'll be your bride!"

For just a moment, Asahina's eyes flickered with happiness. "You'd do that... Wait, no, I can't, you can't—If Haruki found out he'd—But... thank you, Kyonko. I'm sure you'll make a beautiful bride someday."

For some reason, his words warmed my heart. Me? A bride? I once again had the image of me in a western style bridal gown and veil, being carried away on my wedding day and my chest began pounding. But the pureness of his words and the innocence in his eyes let me forget the fact that I should be repulsed by that mental picture. If it's from Asahina, I'll gladly take any intended compliment.

"If you don't mind," Koizumi once again interrupted my thoughts, "I believe it's a good time to discuss our current situation. I'm sure we all have some information to share.

The train began to pull out of the station and Nagato closed his book. That can only mean he had quite a bit to say.

"The Integrated Data Sentient has been studying this situation closely. We have determined that while the force moving these parallel dimensions together was indeed brought about by Suzumiya Haruhi, there was a simultaneous burst of energy from the Suzumiya Haruki of this world. It would seem that the two of them both desired to live in the other Suzumiya's world."

"I see," said Koizumi. "So two versions of the same person desired the exact same thing as the other. An amusing coincidence, isn't it?"

"I get the feeling you're implying there's no coincidence involved." Why can't she ever just say what she means? Her verbal acrobatics really pisses me off.

"Indeed. When dealing with Suzumiya, I feel that coincidence is something of a rarity. I have reason to suspect there has been some outside interference in this case. Someone or something wanted this to happen."

Okay, so let me get this all straight in my head. The universe is actually part of a series of parallel universes. One of these universes was like our own, except a large chunk of the population was the opposite sex. Haruhi in our dimension, and Haruki from this dimension, both wished for, at the same time no less, the two universes to collide, causing all of us to switch places? And someone else was secretly plotting all of this? Seems pretty far fetched, even for Haruhi's usual antics.

"That's mostly correct, but you're off on one thing," Koizumi stated. "Suzumiya, or should I say both Suzumiyas, had no desire to make both universes collide. That was merely a means to an end. Their real wish was quite obvious."

Well, if it was obvious, then I'm just an idiot who's oblivious to common sense. So, please, explain it to me.

Koizumi shrugged and shook his head condescendingly. I hated that shrug. "Well, in any case, for whatever reason, they both wished for the same thing: To be a member of the opposite sex."

Okay, in retrospect, that may sound obvious, but something didn't sit right with me. "Koizumi, we're talking about Haruhi here. She never had any problems with changing her clothes in front of boys for gym class."

"Well, doesn't that seem strange? Perhaps she feels closer to the boys than to the girls. It's certainly not the only bizarre behavior exhibited by Suzumiya. She has also shown some rather blatant attraction to Asahina."

I looked to Asahina, who was shivering, apparently in reflexive terror as she recalled the gropings and molestations of the past year.

"Okay, I know where you're going with this, and you're wrong. Haruhi's not like that. I would notice."

Koizumi shrugged and continued to show her phony smile. "I apologize. It was merely speculation."

Please refrain from making idle theories. It pisses me off listening to you ramble without evidence.

"Either way," continued Koizumi, seemingly ignoring my irritation, "the truth of the matter is that the two of them did wish to be the opposite sex. We can't deny that. And the fact is, to fulfill this wish, the two universes were somehow, for lack of a better term, started to move together. A side effect of this was that not only did Suzumiya Haruhi and Suzumiya Haruki swap bodies, but so did a number of people from our world. And it would seem that those unaware of Suzumiya's abilities contain no memory of the swap or their true pasts."

"And why is that?" I asked unenthusiastically.

"Well, I have several theories as to why that is. Would you care to listen?"

"No."

Koizumi shook her head and smiled. I'm in no mood to listen to anymore of your unproven theories. All that matters is that I have the gist of what's going on. Haruhi wanted to be a boy for some reason, and Haruki wanted to be a girl. So these two worlds collide, they swap bodies and take us along, only Haruhi and Haruki don't even know they did it. This leads me to one conclusion.

"So, all we need to do is convince 'Haruki' that he wants to be a girl again, and everything will go back to normal, right?"

"Well, more or less. At the same time, the original denizens of this world who are in our old bodies will try to convince Suzumiya Haruhi, who is really Suzumiya Haruki in mind, that she wants to be a boy again. There's not much we can do to help them, though, so we just have to trust them. Well, they are us, after all, so if we succeed, it is likely they will as well."

"Or," she continued, "there is another option. The fact that these worlds continue to collide suggests that there is a conflict, subconsciously, within the Suzumiyas. Perhaps they are unsure if things are as they should be. If we each convince our respective Suzumiya that the world is as it should be, we may remain as we are now, in our alternate bodies, and life will continue as normal."

"Absolutely not." I refuse to even accept that as a possibility.

"Forgive me," Koizumi gave a small bow. "I was merely offering an option. In all honesty, I don't mind the world as it is now. I would have no complaints if things stay as they are. In the end, though, the decision remains in your hands."

"Umm, Kyonko..." Asahina spoke up for the first time in a long time. "Kyonko, I believe she's right. Suzumiya always listens to you and only you. So the decision is yours to make. However..." He clenched his fists tight and leaned forwards. "I want to go back to the way things used to be! I miss my old body. I miss seeing you... I mean, the real you. Err... I just—I'm not saying I—I just feel scared in this world! I will be okay if we stay this way, but—Please, I want to go back to the way things were!"

Oh, Asahina, how could I say no to you? If you want me to move a mountain, I'll move a mountain. If you want me to drink all the seas, I'll drink all the seas. I couldn't turn down such an emotional request. But then I had a thought. It's most likely a useless question, but I needed to ask it anyway.

"Nagato, how do you feel about all of this?"

Nagato pushed his glasses back to the bridge of his nose and looked me in the eyes with that same emotionless face. "The gender of the interface in which I reside does not impact the nature or details of my work. I am to observe Suzumiya Haruhi, no matter what form she may take."

I suppose that figures. Nagato wasn't one to complain.

"The Integrated Data Sentient Entity wishes to observe the effects of two parallel universes impacting one another, as such an event has never before been witnessed. However, early analysis suggests that there is approximately a 48.32% chance that this may ultimately result in the destruction of both worlds, including the Integrated Data Sentient Entity and Suzumiya Haruhi."

Wait. Wait. Wait. Did Nagato just say that the world may blow up? As in, everything in the universe will die? Oh God, Haruhi, what have you gotten us into this time?

"For this reason, as I have previously stated, I have been granted a temporary position as a guardian. We cannot afford to lose Suzumiya Haruhi as a subject of study, and as such, we will be actively attempting to prevent the collision of the parallel universes. The Data Barrier enacted by the Integrated Data Sentient Entity has successfully slowed the advances, but it will not hold. Full impact is expected within seven days."

Well, wonderful. If we don't figure out Haruki's little identity crisis within a week, the world might explode. No pressure, right?

"That may not be necessary," stated Nagato in his calm voice.

"Eh? What other choice do we have? Didn't you just say if we didn't get Haruki to want to go back to being Haruhi--"

"Aha, so it's as I suspected." Koizumi interrupted. "So, there's a third party involved here."

Nagato nodded. "It wasn't until this morning, but we have detected the presence of a new entity that may be partially responsible for the current situation."

I sighed. This was already complex enough. Parallel dimensions, alternate versions of ourselves, mind swapping, worlds colliding, why did I have to spend my Golden Week thinking about these things? I was just a normal high school girl. Sort of.

"This entity appears to be a collection of microscopic advanced sentient life with a colony mindset that lives between dimensions. Traces of its energy signature have been observed bordering on this world and the world we originally came from. We refer to it as the Multidimensional Microbial Collective."

Great. More aliens. Maybe these ones won't try to lock me in a classroom and stab me to death.

"So what makes you so sure that this... collective... thing is involved in this situation?" I hoped to keep this as simple as possible. A colony of space germs manipulating everything is not simple.

"After we detected the presence of the Multidimensional Microbial Collective, we ran a search across our respective worlds. Both Suzumiya Haruki and Suzumiya Haruhi display faint energy signals that correspond to Multidimensional Microbial Collective. For some reason yet to be determined, it has come into contact with both of them. Early analysis suggests it may have used mental manipulation to alter their desires, bringing about the current situation."

Oh, that's great. Now a race of intelligent bacteria are using hypnosis to make Haruhi act even more nuts.

"Umm, excuse me..." Asahina quietly spoke up. "Are you... are you suggesting that if we eliminate this Collective, that things may go back to normal?"

Nagato looked back at the boy, causing him to squirm in his seat. "That is the current theory. We are looking into the current location of the Multidimensional Microbial Collective and I will report any findings directly to you."

This was getting to be too much. Why was everything so complicated?

"Nagato," I had to ask. "What do you think we should do?"

Nagato blinked, as if surprised that I cared about his opinion. He paused momentarily, probably looking for the words. "...I would prioritize the search for and the elimination of the Multidimensional Microbial Collective. However, that may not be the only solution, and there is not much that can be done on your part until we locate it." He paused again. "As such, I do not have any suggestions to be made for your actions. I will simply be on stand-by. I trust your judgment."

Again I found myself sighing. It's nice that Nagato has such faith in me. I wish I could say the same. Things just kept getting worse and worse.

Suddenly, something unimportant came to me, but I needed to ask.

"Nagato, I want to ask you one last question."

He stared back at me silently.

"Why are you wearing glasses again?"

Nagato pushed the brim of those glasses back up to the bridge up his nose and paused. "According to the memory of this body, after the incident with Asakura Ryo, as he was known in this world, you said to me, 'I really like your glasses. I kind of have a glasses fetish.'"

The room went silent. I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks. I quickly grabbed a pillow from the storage compartment and buried my face in it for the remainder of the ride.

This was going to be a very long week.

End chapter 5

LOLOLOLOLOL SWIMSUIT FANSERVICE HERP A DERP

I didn't expect this train ride to contain the whole chapter, but I just wanted everything to be clear and to (possibly) tie up some loose ends.

Here's to hoping for a timely update this time.