"We got trapped by a giant marshmallow," John deadpanned.
Jack laughed, "Felspoon. Who would have guessed it was controlled by giant marshmallow-like creatures who hate humans?"
"We're not from this century: you'd think that we wouldn't count," John groaned loudly
Jack rolled his eyes in a manner that he had copied directly from Ianto, "We'll just have to wait for the Doctor and Ianto. Being companions to The Doctor seems to be cause for running into trouble."
John collapsed casually onto the hard floor of the tiny cell they were currently occupying: "Well I think that my stomach is trying to eat itself. They better be doing everything possible to get us out of here quickly."
"I can't imagine why they wouldn't be utilizing every possible resource to rescue us as soon as they possibly can."
"My Lordships, do you desire more wine?"
The Doctor grinned wildly at the bowing Felspoonian, "I think-ith that I would enjoy-ith some more wine. Forsooth!"
Ianto screwed up his face in amusement and drank deep his goblet as he looked at the drunken Time Lord next to him, "You've knocked your crown sideways."
"Crown?" The Doctor asked, confused, "When did I get a crown."
"I believe," Ianto seemed to think that annunciating his words would make him sound more sober, but instead it just drew attention to his drawn out Welsh vowels, "We were presented with crowns at approximately the time of your third forsooth."
"Ah! Well good think that we Time-Lords have extremely fast metabolisms, because I believe that we had other people with us at an earlier part in our journey," The Doctor nodded knowingly several times in a row which caused his crown to topple off.
Ianto joined the Doctor in nodding and then promptly fell asleep. Another Felspoonian arrived and offered, "Banana, your majesty?"
The Doctor accepted the fruit with a flourish and began cheerily recounting a previous adventure to Ianto, "I like bananas. There's now a banana grove over the remains of the weapons factory of Villengard: Destroyed that factory I did. More wine?"
Ianto chose this moment as an opportunity to wake up, "I could murder a coffee."
The Doctor pondered his previous statement for a moment, "I told somebody else about the banana grove recently."
Ianto blearily smiled half-heartedly at The Doctor, "As fascinating as banana groves may be Doctor, let's just go back to the TARDIS. All I want right now is a spot of coffee and a cuddle with Jack."
"Jack!" The Doctor exclaimed, the effects of the alcohol fading quickly, "That's who I told."
"Speaking of Jack: what happened to him?"Ianto asked.
"No idea," The Doctor replied merrily, "I'm sure that he'll turn up eventually. Coffee sounds brilliant. TARDIS it is: Where did we leave it?"
"Next to a fountain," Ianto replied, "Shouldn't we go save Jack? I vaguely recall him and John getting arrested."
"We can't just wait for him to show up?" The Doctor asked hopefully. Ianto shook his head causing the Doctor to sigh, "It's terribly hard to be concerned about someone who can't die."
"John's with him and he can't die," Ianto pointed out.
"It's terrible hard to be concerned about John."
Ianto laughed, which forced him to clutch his head in pain, "I need an aspirin."
"That's the last thing you need," The Doctor replied seriously, "Time Lords are allergic."
"Bugger," Ianto swore.
"Exactly," The Doctor replied, "So how about you go start a brew of your industrial strength coffee and I will get Jack. This race seems to worship us, how hard could it be to convince them to release a few prisoners."
Ianto's fuzzy mind was telling him that the Doctor probably jinxed his efforts, and the logical part of his brain decided that though the Doctor could probably handle the situation he had just caused, Ianto would be much safer in the TARDIS. Usually Ianto's heart would protest against saving his own skin and going after Jack, after all that's how he died in the first place: by risking his life to support Jack, but for some reason he listened. Trusting the Doctor, Ianto had come to realize, was easy.
Never had Ianto trusted someone in this way. As he stumbled back to the TARDIS he tried to place the feelings that the Doctor provoked in him. A sense of belonging, admiration, and fear were all feelings that he could decipher and attribute to The Doctor. He could also discern what he thought resembled the relationship between Tosh and Jack.
"Father," Ianto tested the word once he had reached the safety of the TARDIS. It echoed through the control room hollowly. He had a Father on Earth, for lack of a better word, but like he told his sister (he had decided that they had been through enough together to still refer to Rhiannon as such) that Father always pushed him too hard, too fast. As such, Ianto never could comprehend the love between a Father and son. He would go up to the plass some days, sit on cold stone steps, and watch as young boys ate candy floss as their fathers carried footballs after a day at the park. He tried another word, "Dad."
Ianto gave a sigh and wandered down to the kitchen. The recent acquisition of: a new species, a deceased family he had never met, and Doctor who could very well fill the space in his heart he thought he didn't need to fill, were all a bit too much for his alcohol induced synapses to handle at present. So, Ianto made coffee, de-scaled the tea kettle, and washed the mugs. The slam of the TARDIS door jerked him out of the calmness granted by routines and he carried the mugs up to the control room.
The Doctor, Jack, and John had collapsed in a laughing exhausted heap just inside the doorway. Ianto noted calmly that the two long coats of Jack and the Doctor were slightly on fire. He gave a sigh and set the tray down so he could toss them the fire blanket.
"That's why I wear short coats," John snorted, tugging on his jacket lapels as he watched the other two attempted to put out the flame, "Much more practical."
"Yes, but you look like Sergeant Pepper," Ianto quipped.
John sneered, "You will not be teasing once you get their dry cleaning bill."
Ianto grinned at John before turning to the Doctor, "So tell me, how you managed to cock that one up? They were giving us whatever we wanted."
"Turns out, they weren't worshiping us. They were preparing to eat us," The Doctor laughed with a shrug as he hopped to his feet, "Easy mistake to make. Their words for fatten and king are pretty close to the same."
"They are not," Jack inserted, "He was just drunk."
"Time Lord metabolism my arse." Ianto rolled his eyes.
"Is that an invitation to cop a feel?" Jack asked, doing just that as he made his way towards his steaming cup of coffee.
"Don't mind if I do," John piped up trying to copy Jack. However, a glare from Jack had him veering away from the temptation of Ianto's arse in a suit. John picked up his mug with a pout, "You take all of the fun out of life."
Ianto helped Jack out of his coat and hung it up on the rack by the door: a glance at the Doctor had him hanging up his coat as well. Ianto nodded happily at the Doctor and then proceeded to look crossly at John until he hung his coat neatly next to the others.
John grumbled angrily as he stalked back to his cup of coffee. Jack caught the slight maniacal smirk on Ianto's face and warned, "I wouldn't drink that if I were you. You're still on punishment from dropping your coat yesterday which means –"
John spat out the giant mouthful he had just swallowed to spite Jack all over the floor of the TARDIS. Ianto finished Jack's statement with relish: "Instant coffee."
John furrowed his eyebrows in anger and confusion, "Wasn't that thing with the coat this morning punishment enough?"
"Punishment," The Doctor snorted, "You enjoyed that, a little too much I think."
Ianto and Jack turned in shock to stare at the Doctor curiously. After a moment Ianto spoke decisively, "I still don't want to know."
"Did you intend John's punishment to be enjoyable?" Jack asked hopefully, "I caught my coat on fire I think that deserves a spanking at least. You could even use a whip."
Ianto shoved Jack causing him to stumble and slop steaming coffee over the side of his mug. Jack started to protest, but the sight of the corners of Ianto's eyes wrinkled up in laughter caused the protest to stick halfway up Jack's throat. Ianto noticed the abrupt change and his open look of hilarity was gone in a moment too. John interrupted their brooding looks: "Butler boy. There's coffee all over the floor. Get on it."
The Doctor laughed loudly, "Ianto Jones is second in command on the TARDIS and seeing how Jack has a key – where do you think that ranks you John?"
John's shoulders dropped, "I didn't sign on to clean up all of your shit."
"Nobody asked you to stay," was the Doctor's cheeky reply.
"I think the Doctor is humoring him," Jack stage-whispered to Ianto, "He never humored me and I was much more likable than John. I was so likeable that if we were all on the telly I would have had my own spin-off show. John would never get his own spin off show."
"A spin-off show about you and Torchwood?" Ianto asked incredulously, "Sounds rubbish. Now, King Ianto and the Coffee beans: the rise of a King sounds like a hit documentary."
"Hit documentary," John snorted, "Two words that have never been uttered together in a sentence before now."
"You'll go after Owen in my new regime," Ianto stated imperiously. Then he froze, "Well I guess that means you'll go first."
John groaned, "I should have known the laughs couldn't have lasted long with you lot. Back to moaning and groaning: Debbie downers."
Jack laughed, "How much time did you spend in America?"
John ignored them and stalked off to his sleeping quarters calling behind him: "Wake me when we get somewhere new."
"Speaking of somewhere new: Can we visit a place that doesn't turn quite as quickly? I still get vertigo when my head is facing down into space." Ianto wrinkled his nose, "A few less people too. The smell of roses is giving me a headache."
Jack sniffed the air: "Roses? I don't smell roses."
"Time Lord thing," The Doctor explained insufficiently. He then turned and winked at the one person in the universe who knew exactly what he meant at that moment. The one person who knew exactly what he felt at that moment and for once the Doctor didn't feel so alone.