Hiya. It's been too long, hasn't it? Well, here we are at the final countdown. The next chapter should, likely, be the last. And to make up for the timeliness (or lack thereof) with my updates, this chapter is about twice as long.
With school starting up and work eating up almost all my non-school time, writing has gotten fairly difficult, but let me assure you I intend to finish this story even if it kills me. Hopefully within the next month.
...Err... finishing the story, I mean. Not killing myself. That I'll put off until after I'm done.
As always, thanks for the reviews and the comments. It makes writing worthwhile.
I want to say that life as a girl has been, so far, a complicated experience. Aside from the physical changes to my body, I was also dealing with parallel dimensions, public humiliation, groping, strange attractions, and assaults with a deadly weapon. This day in particular had been truly traumatizing. After dealing with the police, having dinner and my bath, I went straight to bed.
My room was a rather immense western style room with a large canopy bed catching my eye as soon as I entered. I threw on a nightgown and rushed into bed as fast as my weary, traumatized body would let me.
Oh, and before I forget, please let me wake up to my semi-normal world. I've been through a lot lately, and the last thing I needed was some new, even more bizarre circumstance to wake to. I've had bad luck with waking up to find the world drastically changed ever since I met Haruhi. Like once waking up inside the school alongside her right before the world was to be destroyed and remade. Then there was the time I woke up to find the world remade, where Haruhi never came to North High. Most recently, I woke up to find my manhood had become my womanhood, and I was becoming disturbingly comfortable with it.
You may remember that last one well.
Anyway, as you may have guessed, I probably wouldn't have mentioned that little wish had it come true, and I woke up in my bed with everything perfectly fine. Or as fine as can be when your mind has been transplanted in the body of a female version of yourself in another world. So when I first opened my eyes on that fateful morning, I knew something was wrong. Let's count the signs, shall we?
First of all, I did not go to sleep in the middle of a hallway. I was tired last night, most definitely. But I distinctly remember having the energy and strength to at least haul my thankfully-no-longer-bikini-clad-ass into bed. The fact that I was wearing a nightgown attested to the fact that I made it to my room.
Secondly, the world around me had a strange, unearthly glow to it. The air itself seemed to have a blueish hue to it. Unless I'd gone colorblind overnight or Tsuruya had some work done overnight, I was sure the walls and carpeting had a dark-red theme.
Actually, the third thing I noticed was the lack of anything in the hallway. No futniture, no potted plants, no portraits on the walls, no chandeliers, no anything at all.
So unless Tsuruya randomly decided to redecorate overnight and dump me in the hall in the process, I wasn't in the summer home.
Great. Just great. I had no idea where I was or what was going on. Come to think of it, the atmosphere felt similar to the time I ended up in the school's enclosed space with Haruhi. The fact that Haruhi, or at least her current form, was not here meant that this probably wasn't another end-of-the-world scenario. Or at least not because of Haruhi's doings. Now there's a pleasant thought. I spend a year of my life saving the world from Haruhi's mad escapades only to have it destroyed by some other means.
Well, let's not jump to any conclusions. Maybe it really is just a dream. Let's run a few checks.
I pinched my cheeks. Yup. It still hurt.
Sigh.
Okay, okay. So this isn't a dream.
I figured I might as well see if there was a way out and checked the nearest door. Locked. I tried the next door down. Locked. Locked, locked, locked, locked, and locked. Every door in the damned place was locked. So I'm not just lost, but trapped, too.
All I could do was just go back to lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling. What else was I supposed to do?
I looked down at my white nightgown. Was I really this comfortable wearing a girl's clothes? It'd only been two days. Did this mean my gender was never really a big deal to me? Was I merely adaptable?
Slam
As I pondered just how much of my old self remained, I heard a sound come from further down the hall, like someone had dropped a heavy book to the floor. Nagato? No, wait. There's no way he'd be so uncoordinated as to actually drop a book.
I got to my feet and walked down the path, which was strangely visible, given the fact that there were no lights and no windows.
Slam
The noise came again, louder this time as I approached.
Slam
A door budged further down the hallway. Unlike all the other doors, a key was stuck in this one.
Slam
The door budged out momentarily. I suddenly knew what that sound was. Someone on the other side was ramming it, trying to get it open.
"H-hello? Who's there?"
Slam
No answer.
"Can you hear me?"
Slam
Now, let's review. I'm trapped in some weird world, plucked from my bed, with only a nightgown on, I have no idea how to get back, and a stranger is banging on a door, trying to get in. He's not responding, and I have no way to tell who it is. Basically, anyone with a sense of self-preservation would immediately tell you to look for something to barricade the door with and to hide. If this were a game from a certain fantasy RPG series, there would undoubtedly be an ambush battle, maybe even a boss battle, on the other side of the door.
So I unlocked it. I was tired, cranky, and impatient. Just get it out of the way.
Speaking of getting out of the way, I didn't. Because after I unlocked the door, it flew open, smacked me in the chest, and threw me to the ground. If that weren't bad enough, before I could even coordinate myself, something, or someone, fell on top of me.
"Ow ow ow ow ow ow..." As I sat back up, I found an outstretched hand waiting for me.
"You okay?"
Wait a second, that voice is so familiar. As I took the hand before me and got to my feet, it became apparent why. My jaw must have hit the floor, because the man standing before me, clad in only a gray pair of pajama bottoms... was me!
Judging by his reaction, he was thinking the same thing as me. Which, when you think about it, would be pretty likely in just about any situation.
"My body!" we both said in unison.
A couple of questions came to mind, but with every one, an answer popped into my head just as quickly.
What was he doing here? Probably the same thing as me, as soon as I figure out what that is.
How'd he get here? The same way as me, I'd bet.
He must have realized that we both knew nothing of what was going on, too, as we both remained in an awkward silence, just staring at, well, each other. Or was it ourselves? Dammit, I need to learn a language that can more easily describe situations like this.
We both sighed and applied our palms to our faces.
"Great," we said together.
"Just when I thought things couldn't get any more complicated," he said.
"Tell me about it," I replied.
There was a long, awkward pause as I looked away. What do you talk about to someone who is also you?
"So, uhh, Kyon... or is it Kyonko? What do I call you?" he asked me.
"If you don't know, how should I?"
"Ugh, yeah, I figured."
"Besides, we both hate that stupid nickname."
"Too true." My alternate-self nodded in agreement.
"So let's skip the formalities. We're the only two here, and we're really the same. Does it matter what we call each other?"
"I suppose not."
Running a hand through my messy bed-head to keep it out of my face, a question finallys springs to my head.
"So, uh, did Haruhi make you, or anyone else, do anything... embarrassing? Like some weird punishment? Weirder than usual, I mean."
"Nah. I was the last to arrive to the train station, so I had to pay for everyone's snacks for the ride over, but I've gotten used to that. Haruki forced me to do that all the time. "
"Oh... I see..." Well, at least that means Haruki's insane bikini-escapades didn't carry over into my world. The idea of my male body, exposed in public like that... I won't picture it, I won't picture it, I won't pictu—Dammit, I pictured it. But at least that disturbing imagery is only in my head.
"Hey, wait... you wouldn't ask that unless..." My personal-double took me by my shoulders and looked me dead in the eyes. "What did Haruki do to you? If you asked that, it's because you thought something embarrassing happened in your world, which means something terrible happened in mine!"
Damn, I was hoping he wouldn't be that perceptive.
"Tell me what happened!" He demanded.
"Well, you see..." I could feel the sweat forming on my face as it reddened. "I kinda went through the same thing except instead of paying for snacks the loser had to—you know, the loser..."
As I continued I witnessed his face tightened in anticipation. The fact that I was looking at my own face either had yet to truly sink in or my ability to accept weird situations had increased once more. I hope it's the former.
"The loser... wore... a bikini all day."
I think I heard something snap or crash as I watched 'Kyon' fall to his knees.
"...A bikini... me... in public... I'll never be able to show my face again..."
"Well, at least you didn't have to actually wear it... and get groped."
"You got groped?!"
"Err... yeah. Haruki grabbed my butt and--."
'Kyon' then landed face first on the ground, unmoving. Suddenly I wasn't sure who was supposed to be more embarrassed. It's like telling someone that you survived a horrible car accident but while driving their car.
I kneeled down beside the poor girl-in-a-boy's-body and patted him on the head.
"Come on, it's not that bad."
"Just let me mourn the loss of my feminine pride in peace," he said, partially muffled by the carpet.
"Well, it's not like I suffered alone. Asahina also had to spend the day in a bikini, with girls fawning over--"
Before I could finish my sentence, 'Kyon' was on his feet, holding my hand.
"Are there... pictures?" he asked.
"...Haruki took a bunch."
"That's good enough for me. I'll find them, somehow." With renewed determination, he started down the hallway. "Come on, let's find whatever it is we're supposed to find here."
I watched him walk off with a sigh. Was I really that pathetic?
We continued down the hall to find it nearly endless path of featureless doors. What was this place? Then we reached the end of the hall, and the more pressing matter became where was this place?
A grand, circular balcony with large, gold railings was surrounded by a wall of spherical glass. It was like being trapped in a giant fishbowl. But more astounding than this strange architecture was the view. Outside the glass was a breathtaking view of the stars. But more attention grabbing than this was the giant pair of glowing... things... that floated outside. They resembled two small lavender suns. What the hell were we looking at?
"Those, my friends, are your dimensions."
Oh dammit. I recognize that voice. It was pretty much the last voice I wanted to hear at that moment.
"Youji."
"We meet again, my dear."
He stood at the entrance to the room, holding some sort of remote in his hand. He hit something on that controller and a metal gate closed off our only means of escape.
This night just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it? Maybe next we'll run into a reincarnated Asakura!
"I'll cut to the chase," Youji began. "I summoned the two of you hear after our encounters because I'm going to give you one last chance to do the right thing."
"What, you think asking us a second time will make us change our minds?" Kyon said before I could open my mouth. So, he was also attacked by this prick. But he was right.
"Took the words straight from my mouth. You want us to steal the TPDD Asahina uses. We would never hurt or steal from such an angel, no matter what!"
"Yes, I didn't think you'd change your stubborn ways overnight. The situation is about to change, and I wanted you to witness it firsthand." He lifted his hand to point out the windows. "You," he added while pointing at me, "you used to belong to the sphere on the left. That is the world you knew." He moved his hand towards 'Kyon' and added, "Naturally, that means you belonged to the other, the world on the right."
As he stepped closer, we each stepped aside, but he didn't draw a weapon on us as we thought. Instead, he just leaned over the railing, staring at what we presumed were stars.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?"
It'd be a lot more beautiful if you hadn't kidnapped us to get here. That tends to ruin the mood.
"Every dot in the sky is a dimension. A world that may be similar to your own, completely different, and every point in-between."
'Kyon' crossed his arms and furrowed his brow. Man, it's weird to watch your own reactions.
"I get the feeling you didn't call us here just so you could wax poetic."
"No, I invited you here for something important."
Invited? Oh, is that what they call kidnapping these days? Remind me to update my personal dictionary.
"And what could be so important you dragged us across dimensions to see?" I asked.
"Just watch. The show's about to begin."
So we watched. We both kept the jerk within the edge of our vision, just in case. Once someone pulls a gun on you, you tend to develop problems trusting them. But that attention was quickly drawn away when a thundrous explosion rocked us right off our feet. We stumbled back, holding the railing to stabilize ourselves, only to find ourselves with a rather bizarre sight. The 'lavender suns' were beginning to distort. They bended at the middle, like they were pulling at each other.
Considering those were supposed to be our worlds, I'm sure this was certainly not a good thing.
"What the hell?" 'Kyon' exclaimed. "What are they doing?"
"Let me explain," began Youji. "We are aboard a ship that is traveling in a world between dimensions. As I have noted, every light you see on the horizon is not a star, but a dimension in itself. But like stars, dimensions are extremely massive and though they appear close in view, there is a tremendous distance between them. Traveling between them, or even reaching the space to do so, requires technology far beyond humans, and, until recently, was even beyond the perceptions of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity."
'Kyon' interrupted, adding "Oh? If the data-based alien... things couldn't even sense this place, how can you travel here?"
"Simple. The higher levels of my affiliation have the power to tap into these worlds, to deconstruct and reconstruct matter and energy perfectly at a subatmoic level. You see, all it takes is--"
"Hold it." I saw where this was going, and I needed to act preemptively. "I just realized something."
"And what might that be?"
"I realized I really, really don't care how you do it. You do it, we're here. Just get to the point."
"...Very well." Youji looked almost... disappointed. If I weren't tired, angry, and impatient, I might have almost felt sorry for him. "No two dimensions should ever come as close together as these two have. As I have said, they are extremely massive. They are pulling on each other, drawing closer and closer. If it weren't for your alien friends erecting that data barrier, the two worlds would have already merged together."
"And if that had happened...?" What, would things have been fully switched? Would people fuse together?
"I don't know."
"Huh?" 'Kyon' and I both seemed surprised.
"I said I don't know what would have happened. Nothing good, I'd wager, but the specifics are beyond me."
"How is that possible? Don't you work for that... that... Microbial... dimension thingy?"
"I do, but even they, in all their power, cannot move an entire dimension. Never before have two dimensions collided. We've never had a crisis like this before."
"But you can fix it, right? I mean, you're the one who started all this by talking to Haruhi!" Come to think of it, that's what he said, right? There was a test. Something about taking two versions of Haruhi and making them desire the other's world. That's what started this whole mess.
"I admit I share some of the blame in this," Youji conceded. "But it was a necessary test. We needed to determine if Suzumiya was capable of affecting dimensional change. And the results were far beyond what we could ever fathom. Suzumiya is dangerous. A being of such immense power must not be allowed to exist. That is why I approached you both. I tried to reason with you. I tried force. Now I am offering you one last chance. Join with me. Take the two Asahinas' TPDDs. With them, we can open a portal to the time when Suzumiya gained the power to alter the universe itself. We can stop the ritual that started everything. You can all go back to your normal bodies. Your normal lives. None of this would ever have to happen."
A few thoughts passed through my head. For a brief moment, I thought he had a point. It was true, after all, that Haruhi was dangerous. More than anyone in the world, I could attest to that. The world would definitely sleep more soundly if it knew Haruhi couldn't erase it on a whim. And it would likely get me back to being the same, normal boy.
But this thought was brief. As I also recalled the time that this was true. A world without a powerful Haruhi. A world where we were all normal school kids, going to normal schools, doing normal things.
And I rejected it.
It was a pain in the ass fighting Haruhi every step of the way. She's crazy, irresponsible, obnoxious, impulsive, and violent. But if it weren't for her, I would never have met Asahina, my perfect, unbelievable beauty for whom I would cross a thousand mountains just to gaze upon for but a moment.
I'd never have had the chance to beat Koizumi at about a hundred different board games in the club room. I'd never have to put up with his endless rants on philosophy and metaphysical matters, but I'll admit I'd kinda miss him. A little.
And Nagato. The most dependable person I've ever met. She's saved my skin more times than I care to remember. Quiet, but cute in her own way, how could I ever turn my back on her? If I erased our past, would she exist as a normal girl, or would she simply cease to exist? How could I leave something like that to chance?
So, I had two options before me. One was to accept the path with the least danger for the world as a whole. But to do so, I'd have to turn my back on the only people I could truly call my friends. Or I could leave the world at the mercy of Haruhi's continued moodswings and a dimensional crisis just to have a chance of staying with my friends.
I think the choice is obvious. And since 'Kyon' is also me, he's no doubt reached the same conclusion. So we nodded to one another and announced our decision simultaneously.
"Screw the world!"
"I see," said Youji with an almost apathetic tone. "I figured you'd say that. But, I figured I'd do the gentlemanly thing and make you one last offer."
Pardon me if I never think of you as gentlemanly, what with the whole attempted kidnapping at gunpoint thing.
"Very well, I will send you two back to your worlds, where you will both find yourselves asleep in bed, safe and sound. But know this," Youji shifted his glasses. "The next time we meet, and it will be soon, the offer will be closed. We will do as we deem necessary. Any interference in our primary objectives will be dealt with as the situation warrants. And with that, I bid you farewell."
With the click of his remote, the room began to get brighter and brighter. It was strange, but it felt like my consciousness was slowly slipping away.
"Hey... Kyonko..."
"Hmmm?" I could still hear 'Kyon,' my other self, speaking to me.
"Take... take good care of Haruki for me. I mean, it's not really him, I know. It's just his body... I know inside of him is someone else, Haruhi, but still, it is a part of him and... You know, nevermind."
'Kyon' faced away from me for some reason. I really didn't get what he was saying, which felt quite odd. Weren't we the same? Shouldn't I always know what he was thinking? Ah, well. I guess it doesn't matter.
"Yeah, sure. So, uh, take good care of Haruhi. For me. Though I'm sure she can handle herself."
"...Yeah. I will."
And with that, I found myself back in bed. I sat up and looked out the window. 6'oclock in the morning. The sun was up, but I just didn't have the energy to greet it.
"Ugh, so tired..."
I don't care what time it was, I spent the night wandering around some weird, alternate world or ship or something and the day would have to wait for me before it could officially start as far as I was concerned. I put my head down on my pillow, rolled over, and wrapped my arms around the warm, naked torso of Haruki, who was sleeping soundly right beside me.
Wait, what was that last part?
I had a difficult time peeling my eyes off of his chiseled chest. For the sake of preserving my sanity and dignity, I'm going to say this was because of shock, not out of lust or anything else so ludicrous. So don't read into that. But, when I did manage to peel my eyes away, and wiped away the drool which had accumulated, also likely out of shock, I noticed that I, too, seemed to be missing some of my attire. Namely, all of it.
I shrieked, which is something I never thought I'd ever have to say, and grabbed the sheet to preserve the shattered shreds of what was once my decency. This didn't work too well as it merely removed the covers preserving Haruki's. I shrieked again and threw the sheet over my head.
At this point my thought process became somewhat muddled. Mostly involving repeating the phrase "This can't be happening" about a hundred times a second. Because, let's face it, there's really only one thing you can suspect given a situation like this, but I would never, ever end up being like that with Haruki, right?
"Well, you're energetic this morning," said Haruki as he wrapped his thick, muscle-covered arms around me.
"Wah! Haruki... you... what are... Oh God, please, just put your clothes on!"
He pulled the covers from my head to reveal an honest smile so cute, my heart nearly stopped. Oh god, this is so wrong on so many levels, but my heart wouldn't cease its attempts to leap from my chest.
"Well, that's a change. Last night you were the one begging me to take them off..." he whispered with a sly grin.
Wait, I did what? That's not possible. Last night I was abducted from my bed and dropped off on some weird transdimensional ship or something. I met me... the other me, I mean. But wait. What happened after I was sent back? It's all a huge blur. What if, and this is just a theory, what if I was acting subconciously? No, wait, that would be ridiculous. That would mean deep down I was attracted to Haruki... But here I was. Oh god, tell me what's going on!
"Seeing as you're so energetic this morning, let's put that energy to good use..."
In one motion, I was pushed back down onto the bed, my arms pinned down by his. My legs flailed wildly but could do nothing with his entire body pressing down on me.
"No, please, Haruki, don't--"
He put his finger to my lips to silence me.
"Don't be like that. I know this is what you really want. What we both want. Just give in. Be happy, Kyonko."
He leaned in to press his lips to mind. The last bits of self-control I had were immediately shut down. Like a sailor falling prey to the call of a mermaid, I was unable to control myself. I closed my eyes and pressed my lips...
"Kyonko, are you okay?"
That voice belonged to Koizumi, not Haruki. Not that the latter should be able to speak, given the... unique circumstances. And that wasn't his hand on my shoulder.
Wearily, I opened my eyes to find myself grasping onto a drool-covered pillow, my lips still attached to it. There was no Haruki on top of me. Or anywhere, for that matter. I sat up and noticed that I was still in my nightgown, a garment I was never so happy to be wearing.
Noticing all these details, and wiping away the string of saliva connecting my mouth with the pillow, led me to a conclusion.
It was all a dream.
I was simultaneously relieved and pissed off. Relieved that, well, that didn't really happen, but the fact that I thought about that, that my subconcious could even dream of such a scenario was humiliating. Worse than that, though, 'It was all just a dream?' How cliche can you get? If this were a story or a movie, I'd demand my time and money back. At least come up with something involving traveling to a different dimension, or a clone copy, or something like that.
"I heard a couple of cries coming from your room, so I came over," Koizumi said with actual compassion in her eyes. "Are you okay?"
"...Not really. Can... can we talk about something?"
"Of course. But only if you let me do your hair while we talk."
I wasn't sure why Koizumi had suddenly taken an interest in my hair, but I agreed. As we sat on my bed, I told her of what transpired over the night. From my abduction, to meeting 'Kyon,' the fact that our worlds were now beginning to collide, what Youji wanted us to do. All the while, she sat behind me, fixing my hair. It was actually... surprisingly pleasant.
"Well, I'm sure it's not all that surprising, but I, too, am against taking Asahina's time travel device," Koizumi began. "If the time travelers themselves wouldn't approve of it, it doesn't seem wise for us, less educated on the matter, to get involved like that. And that's before we take personal feelings about stealing and harming a friend into account."
"But don't you want to get out of your duties?" I asked.
"Well, sure. I don't particularly enjoy my work. It's tiring with little thanks. But on the other hand, if I didn't have to do it, I never would have met the rest of you in the S.O.S. Brigade. I don't think I'd give up my duties if it meant undoing all the time we've spent together."
It's extremely rare that Koizumi and I should agree so much on an issue. Too rare for me to say so out loud. We both agreed that stealing from Asahina was a no-go and that's all that really mattered.
"Oh," something else came to me. "This is... kind of personal. But... I need to talk to someone about this."
I told her about the dream I had just before she entered my room. It was going to drive me insane if I didn't tell somebody about it.
Koizumi continued to untangle a few knots in my hair as she replied, "Well, first off, I'm actually kind of honored that you chose to tell me about this..."
I didn't really have the heart to tell her that she was only the winner by default. If I told Asahina, she'd likely faint. Such a profane dream must never grace his pure mind. Nagato would likely give me a rational explanation involving brain chemistry that wouldn't really answer my questions. And Haruki... Ha ha. No. Just no. I'll be dead and buried before I tell him about such a dream.
"But I don't think it's anything to worry about," Koizumi explained. "Like it or not, you're a teenage girl now and such fantasies are perfectly normal. And Haruki is quite a handsome young man."
"Wait a second, you're a girl, too. Does that mean you've had the same fantasies about him?"
"Hmm? Oh, no. I have my biology under strict control. It's all a part of my job, you see."
I couldn't see it, but I could sense the same sickeningly cheerful smile on her face and suddenly I was annoyed with her again. It was actually refreshing in an odd way.
"So, what do I do? This is a little disturbing..."
"Just be honest with yourself. It shouldn't be disturbing. We're in different bodies, in a different world. 'When in Rome,' as they say..."
Maybe it's that easy for you to toss aside all masculine pride, but it's not that easy for me. When I met 'Kyon,' he wasn't willing to let go of his former feminine pride, either. That's just the way I am. We are. Or whatever.
Sigh. "I suppose you're right. It's just natural. It's just that I--"
SLAM!
With his usual eloquence and tact, Haruki kicked open the door.
I nearly leapt from the bed, but Koizumi's hands held me down. Dammit, that hurt! And Haruki, are you trying to kill me through a heart attack? Did you take out a billion yen life insurance policy out on me?
He stood in the doorway, looking in with all the enthusiasm of someone watching paint dry. "Yo, Kyonko, you... awake..."
...And that expression quickly shifted into a stupid smirk. "Sngh... heh heh... Ha ha ha ha!" He leaned on the doorway and continued to laugh. What? What was so funny?
"Snrk... tee hee..." Suddenly, Koizumi starts to giggle, too. Oh no. I get up off the bed and walk over to the vanity mirror.
Looking back at me is a girl with two giant pigtails, the kind more befitting a five-year-old than a high schooler.
"Dammit, Koizumi!"
At this point Koizumi exploded in a fit of laughter. Dammit, this is not funny! I ran for the bed, grabbed my still-drool-covered pillow and chased the horrid girl and laughing boy, who had taken out his camera and was snapping photos, from my room with a series of violent strikes before slamming the door shut.
I dropped face first back on the bed. Sigh. This was going to be a very, very long day.
But I also knew I didn't have time to sit around. He may be a jerk, but Youji did show us that the worlds were about to collide in full. I need to prevent that at all costs, but how? Again, it all came back to Haruki. If he wished for the world to return to normal, things would be okay again, right? But if he doesn't, is there any other way? Well, I suppose I'll just have to talk to him myself.
I sat up, fixed my hair back into its ever so perfect ponytail, threw on a tan skirt with a sky-blue tanktop and headed out to meet the others.
Breakfast was being served in Tsuruya's oversized westernized dining room.
Upon my entrance, Haruki began snickering and Koizumi giggled in an extremely refined, polite, and utterly infuriatingly charming manner.
"Yeah, yeah, hilarious." I pulled out a chair and sat down while doing my best to ignore the joking of the idiots and fools around me.
"Oh, good morning, Kyonko!" Asahina greeted me with a pleasant smile. Oh, my angel. You can dress my hair anyway you like if it meant I could hear you greet me like that every morning.
"Yo, mornin'!" greeted Tsuruya with the same enthusiasm one comes to expect from the ever-energetic green-haired lad. "Did'ja sleep well, Kyonko?"
Ugh. He had to bring that up. "Nah. Nightmares."
"Ah, that's too bad," he said with the smile never wavering from his lips. Did this boy even know how to frown? "Course, I s'pose after yesterday, that'd make sense. That's why we got a special surprise for today!"
"That's right!" Haruki slammed his hands down on the table with enough force to make you wonder if he wasn't trying to smash it in two. "After yesterday, I realized our schedule was missing one of the core, most vital parts of manliness."
...Huh?
"I know I'm going to hate myself for asking this, but where are you going with this?" I asked as an all too familiar headache began to make its presence felt.
Haruki grinned like a madman who had just cornered his final target. Have you ever considered going into the movies? Your expressions would make you a star as a slasher villain.
"I speak, of course, of the art of self-defense! The ability to hone one's body to its peak, to fight of all attackers, armed or unarmed!"
I sighed. "Doesn't it take years to master something like that? This trip only lasts a week."
Haruki chuckled. "Normally, yes, but there's never been a teacher like me."
"Do you even have skill in any sort of martial art?"
"You worry too much about the trivial stuff."
This isn't trivial!
"Anyway," ignoring my objections as usual, he continued. "We're meeting in the dojo in 5 minutes. Move out! The last one there gets the death penalty!"
Okay, ignoring the fact that I just sat down and haven't even had the chance to start eating, I didn't even know this place had a dojo, let alone where it was. Don't any of you have any objections?
"I think it's a fine idea," said Ms. Agreeable, Koizumi. "Martial arts are an excellent manner in which to learn discipline, improve your overall health, and learn to protect oneself."
Nagato, who had been eating in silence the whole time, needless to say, had no opinion on the matter.
"Sounds like a blast to me!" Tsuruya exclaimed.
"W-wait, self-defense...?" cried Asahina. "Does... does that mean we have to fight? Wah, I can't!" Sadly, I doubt Asahina's opinion on the matter, being the only dissenting opinion besides mine, would hold much weight. Damn.
Ah, well. At least nonsense aside, this might give me a chance to talk to Haruki. So I ate as quickly as I could and asked a servant to escort me to the dojo.
"You're late!" Haruki cried as I entered the only Japanese-style room in the mansion. "Penalty! Penalty!"
I stared in awe. "Before I pay whatever stupid penalty you have planned, just what are you wearing?"
"Isn't it obvious? It's my keikogi! You can't practice self-defense without the proper uniform!"
Indeed, everyone else was already dressed in their practice robes. But I was more curious as to where he got a full set of robes for everyone on such short notice. Oh well. What do I care?
"Not to mention, they have an added benefit. Check it out!" Haruki grabbed Asahina by the wrists, dragging the red-headed boy before him. "Doesn't it look awesome on him? I made sure they were a size larger than normal to give him a baggy look that adds to his loli-shouta appeal."
To be fair, Asahina did look adorable, but, quite frankly, he looked spectacular in any outfit.
"Ah, S-Suzumiya, please, let go," asked the innocent boy, still held in place by Haruki's iron grip. "You're hurting my wrists..."
"No, no," scolded Haruki. "This is self-defense training. You don't ask for someone to let go. You make them, or else they could do this!"
Moments later, I was exposed to a sight my eyes would burn into my feminine brain for safe keeping. Haruki pulled on Asahina's right sleeve, pulling his robes half off, leaving his bare chest exposed before my eyes.
"Kyaaaaaaaaa!" Asahina shrieked as he covered himself and turning bright red. It would have been such a sad sight if it weren't so adorable.
"Oh come on, you're not a girl," Haruki muttered. "But damn, do you act like one. It's so freakin' cute I can't stand it, you... you... argh! Come here!"
And with that, Haruki's molestations began anew, dropping the feminine boy to the floor and following up with all sorts of rubs and gropes. I couldn't take my eyes off of it.
"This may take a while," said Tsuruya, patting me on the shoulder. "Why don't you go change and come back?" He handed me a folded up uniform which I accepted. It was probably a good idea. Any more of watching this and I might lose control myself. I wanted to chastise Haruki, but I couldn't fault his taste.
Several minutes later, I returned to the dojo dressed in my own practice robes, feeling stupid wearing such a thing when I didn't know the first thing about fighting. To any and all karate, jujutsu, kendo, aikido, or tae kwon do masters out there, please take no offense at my attire.
Everyone was lined up, save Asahina, who was busy crying in the corner. Haruki stood before the 'class,' apparently appointing himself the master of the day despite not having any practice himself. And so the lectures began.
"The first and most important rule of any fight is a simple one. Hit them, but don't get hit!"
If there was an award for the most obvious statement in the history of man, I'm sure that would follow somewhere between 'It's a bad idea to drink poison' and 'water is wet.'
"Yuuki!" He pointed out the bespectacled boy who, as near as I could tell, hadn't moved a muscle since he entered the room. "Come forth! You shall be my first example!"
Nagato obeyed, as per usual, taking his spot before Haruki.
"Now, I'm going to try and hit you, and you're going to dodge, got it? Don't hold back on me, okay?"
Nagato looked at me as if asking "is it really okay to not hold back?" I nodded. If nothing else, this should be interesting to watch.
"Take this! Hyah!" Haruki through a straight jab with all his might. But when it arrived at its destination, Nagato was already leaning to the left, deftly dodging the fist.
Haruki blinked in confusion. None of us really saw Nagato move. He was standing straight up one moment and the next he was leaning to one side.
"Not bad, not bad, Yuuki. But let's see you dodge this!" Haruki continued with a left, a right, and a side kick. And again, Nagato simply leaned from side to side, avoiding each attack as if it wasn't even there.
"Oh yeah? Now it's time to get serious!"
As if you weren't serious the whole time. Anyway, you can probably guess what happened next. Haruki erupted into a barrage of punches and kicks. How good they would be on someone who knew how to fight I couldn't say, but I can say they didn't work on Nagato, who avoided them with minimal effort. The barrage of useless attacks only ended when Haruki ran out of breath.
I was half-expecting Koizumi to have a sudden need to excuse herself as Haruki's frustration built up until a closed space would open somewhere. But instead, after a good 10 seconds of panting, a maniacal grin came over his face. Seriously, stop that. You have the face of a serial killer.
"Wow, I'm an even better teacher than I thought!" he exclaimed triumphantly. "Yuuki, I'm proud of you. You're officially a graduate of Suzumiya Haruki's School of Self Defense. Congratulations!"
"Wait, he graduates? You didn't even have him throw a punch!" I could feel a familiar headache returning.
"Doesn't matter. If you can't get hit, you win by attrition! All right, next lesson! Kyonko, come!"
I'm sure if Bruce Lee were alive to hear your analysis of martial arts combat, he'd be plenty pissed. And what am I, a dog? Don't just say come and expect--Argh, whatever. I came all the same and stood before him.
"What do you want me to do?"
And unexpectedly, he placed his hands on my shoulders. "Just stay right there. Don't move. Are you ready?"
Ready? Ready for what?
And then he embraced me.
"W-what are you doing?! I... I... I'm not... I..."
"Just relax. Let me do all the work."
What was I hearing? What was he saying? Was I going crazy? No, this had to be another dream. It had to be another revolting dream about Haruki. Any second now I'd wake up and be in my bed, safe and sound. But it felt so real. His chest pressed against mine, it was making me feel weak in the knees.
Really weak in the knees. In fact, it felt like my whole body was about to collapse. Because Haruki had kicked the back of my knees. But before my body could hit the floor, I saw the room fly upside down as my arm was nearly torn from its socket. I found myself staring at the ceiling from Haruki's back for a second before he gently put me back down on the floor.
"What... was that for?" I asked.
"That was the very first use of the Suzumiya Haruki Leg Sweep Overarm Throw! Get your opponent in an embrace, strike the back of the knee, grab their arm, and in one motion throw them over your shoulder!"
My head hurt more than ever, but I couldn't decide if it was because of Haruki's proud smile or if I hit my head somewhere along the line. Either way, I sighed and walked back to my place in line.
"All right, listen up!" Haruki screamed in a voice that made my head throb even more. "That was a perfect example of the most important rule of fighting: Always strike for vital points!"
"Didn't you just say not getting hit was the most important part?"
"No talking back to your instructor! Everyone grab a partner! Mitsuuru, you're with me!"
"Wait, why do you get to pair up with Asahina?!"
"Eh? Me?" squeaked Asahina.
"Why, do you want to pair up him?" Haruki asked me.
"Well, why not?"
Haruki grabbed Asahina by the scalp, digging in, and shoved him forward like he was a kid showing off a shiny new rock. "Okay, Mitsuuru, punch Kyonko square in the face."
"Eh?!" Asahina and I timed our surprise perfectly in unison.
"No!" Mitsuuru shook his head, or at least tried to with Haruki's fingers still digging into his skull. "I r-refuse! I could never... No matter what, I could never hurt Kyonko like that!"
"Exactly. That's why you're with me. Besides, this isn't a joke. This is serious. So quit fussing and let's train you into a man!"
And with that, Haruki dragged the protesting boy across the room to some open space. I'll pray for your safety, my love.
As I took a seat on the floor, because there was no way I was getting involved in this insane activity, I heard an all-too familiar voice.
"Well, I see you're getting along with Haruki as nicely as ever," spoke Koizumi as she took a seat alongside me.
"Shouldn't you be training over there like your king commands?"
"Well, I couldn't, really. Nagato is simply reading, as he graduated already, and Tsuruya said he wasn't 'comfortable hitting a girl.' So unless you have a particular desire to spar with me, I'd say we sit this one out."
"...I'll pass." Actually, punching Koizumi has been a recurring thought of mine for a long time, but quite frankly, I didn't have the energy in me this morning and whatever shreds of masculinity remained in me still held on to the rule of not hitting girls. Even if I was one, too.
Haruki threw a punch that almost certainly intentionally missed Asahina. In return, Asahina countered by cowering in the corner. Haruki scolded the poor boy for a while, demanding he fight back. This continued on and on as I watched. It was actually kind of cute. Sad, pathetic, and insane, but Asahina was involved, so it was cute.
"You realize this, of course, is all for your sake, right?" Koizumi interrupted my spectation of the 'fight' in front of me.
"What are you talking about? What do you mean 'this?'"
Koizumi just shrugged her shoulders and gave a sigh with a faint smile. For a second I was regretting not picking a fight with her moments ago.
"Don't you remember yesterday?"
Let'see, I went on a vacation of sorts, I was forced to wear a bikini in public, I was yanked around by my hair, and was assaulted by a crazed man with a gun. Yeah, I kinda remember yesterday. In fact, I'm pretty sure it'll take years of therapy to forget it.
"My point is that Suzumiya was worried about you. I heard this from Tsuruya, but apparently, last night in his room, Suzumiya was kicking himself for not being able to do much when you were attacked."
That's stupid. "He had a gun. What could he do? He still punched that jerk. What more could he expect?"
"You're looking at this the wrong way. Logically, yes, there was little he could do more. In fact, had Nagato not disarmed him, he couldn't even have done what he did."
I didn't pay too much attention to Koizumi. I just watched the 'match' between Haruki and Asahina. The latter had at least started to fight back, but just barely. It was obvious that even Haruki realized he couldn't actually hit the poor boy without turning him into a smear on the wall and was merely trying to provoke the pacifistic boy into punching him back. What part of this constituted advance training in self-defense was beyond me.
Despite my non-attention, Koizumi continued. "It was a moment of weakness. Normally, Suzumiya is quite ambitious and believes he can do anything if he simply puts his mind to it. In reality, this is not far from the truth. We are actually quite fortunate that he did not activate his powers during that confronation. His confusion and shock must have overwhelmed his desires."
While seeing Youji willed out of existence wasn't all that unpleasant, I suppose that would be a bad thing. Haruki is trouble enough without knowing he could erase people from existence.
By this point, Asahina was actually trying to punch Haruki, though his eyes were filled with tears and Haruki simply stepped out of the way. It couldn't be all that hard as Asahina refused to even look in the direction he was attacking out of fear. Haruki continued to taunt him, asking him to 'be a man.'
"So, what's your point? Haruki felt scared?"
"Well, that's not the word I'd use. I'd say 'powerless.' Somewhat ironic, don't you think? Now, this is just my theory here, but I believe Suzumiya changed today's schedule to self-defense training not because he wishes for us to be stronger. The training is for him. He wants to be able to protect you."
Okay, that's just preposterous. "Didn't he just try to throw me over his shoulder?"
"But he didn't. It was probably just his way of showing you how strong he is."
Ugh. "I don't get this. None of this makes any sense, as usual."
"Come on, hit me, Mitsuuru! Be a man and knock me one right across the cheek!" Haruki's taunting ensued, trying hard to motivate the pacifistic boy into being a fighting machine. Good luck with that.
The two fighters stepped closer.
Asahina stood in front of m, shaking in fear. "Suzumiya, please stop! I-I'm not a fighter!"
"You will be when I'm done with you! Now, if you won't hit me, I'll just have to beat the fighter into you!"
That little remark was the last straw. Asahina's flailings were cute, but to actually hurt him? I wouldn't stand for it.
"Now hold it right there--"
Crack.
Before I could finish my complaint, Haruki threw a haymaker which Asahina dodged. Leaving me in its path.
Out went the lights.
The next thing I know, I'm resting my head on Nagato's lap.
"Uhh... what happened?" I tried to sit up but found myself too dizzy. But I looked down to see my white robes stained red with blood.
"You received a blow to the face from Suzumiya Haruki," Nagato said with the same monotonous voice you'd announce the time with.
"Ow... oh... yeah. I kinda remember that now. But where is everyone?"
"...Suzumiya immediately ran from the room. Tsuruya followed. Koizumi was summoned by the Organization, most likely. I stayed behind to stop the bleeding. I am unable to perform large scale reconstruction of normal organic tissue such as limb regeneration, but I have sufficient skill to stop minor bleeding and heal small fractures in bone and cartilidge."
Well, I suppose that explains why my nose wasn't in any pain and wasn't bleeding anymore. Hey, wait, didn't that list exclude someone? But before I could ask where Asahina had gone to, the sound of his voice rang out.
"I got an ice pack, so--Kyonko! Oh Kyonko, I'm so sorry!" When the angel saw I was awake, he ran to me and grabbed my hand, a feeling that almost made getting punched in the face by a brute worthwhile. "If I... If I hadn't dodged that, you wouldn't have gotten hurt... what kind of man am I?" He held my hand close to his cheek and I could feel the tears streaming down it.
"Ah, Asahina, it's okay, it's okay." I wanted to sit up and embrace the boy, but the room was still spinning too much so I could only offer him my words. "You didn't mean it. Besides, you weren't always a boy, so it's to be expected."
"Huh? What are you talking about?" The tears stopped.
"What do you mean what am I talking about? We're only in this situation because Haruki helped change our genders!"
"...Kyonko, you're scaring me..." Asahina whispered. And it was true. I could see his very eyes shaking. "I've... I've always been a guy."
Okay, step back for a second. Did Asahina just say he was always a guy? Did Haruki hit me so hard it knocked me into yet another dimension?
"...Kyonko." Nagato interrupted my inner monologue. "Since you were unconscious, the situation has become worse."
Well, Nagato seems to know what I'm talking about, so I suppose this is still our world. Our other world, I mean. I think.
"I suspect Asahina's memory change may be related to the fact that Suzumiya Haruki has left this world altogether."
"...Come again?"
"..." Rather than answer me, he showed me. Helping me to my feet with the help of a very confused Asahina, Nagato lent me his shoulder as we walked out of the dojo and back into the hallway. There, Nagato opened the first door in front of us.
Normally when one opens a door in a house, you expect to see the normal things. A bed, a table, maybe a few potted plants. But Tsuruya's house was a mansion. I wouldn't have been surprised to see unusual things. A grand piano, maybe. Or an indoor pool, perhaps. But not this.
Even the richest people on Earth generally don't own swirling vortexes leading to unknown worlds.
And if I understood what Nagato was trying to tell me, Haruki had just stepped through one of these.
Suzumiya Haruki, and likely the rest of my friends, were no longer on this Earth.
End Chapter 7.