Okay, I know I promised that this would be the last, last, final chapter. Well, like Final Fantasy, it just keeps going. But with less spiky haired fashion disasters and more meta-jokes. As I was writing, I realized I'd gone on for about 20 pages and realized I was only about halfway there to the end and it would take about another week to write if I focused (which I never do). So, instead, here's an update. And since school is out, expect the next chapter to come out very, very soon. And this time I mean it. It will be the last, last chapter for real. (excluding a possible epilogue)

As always, comments: appreciated, Haruhi: Not mine, Me: too lazy, etc.

And for this chapter, a special thanks goes out to Durandall. After I first posted this chapter, Durandall provided some much needed criticism. Thus, I went back and rewrote the last section of this chapter. I feel it is more exciting and more in character through the changes. I hope you agree.

To put it into an analogy, if this were some fantasy RPG, we'd have just passed the point of no return. No more save points, no more item shops, just a gauntlet of villains between us and the goal. That goal was currently in the form of Suzumiya Haruhi and Suzumiya Haruki, both kidnapped. The villains were the lackeys of the Multidimensional Microbial Collective.

In such a situation, the hero would bravely charge right in, give a few dramatic lines, beat everyone, and live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, I wasn't that hero. I didn't have spiky hair and a large sword. My ability to spout one-liners was significantly hampered when I was in mortal peril. I couldn't even really "charge" in, seeing as I was stuck wobbling in high heels.

And, sadly, I was the only one available.

It wasn't all bad, though. I did have allies, at least. Granted, three of them were about as useless in a fight as I was, (in fact, one of them was me, or at least some alternate version of me in my body.) but Nagato was likely all the back up anyone could ever hope for, and we had two of them.

So with my spirits relatively high, I dashed with my companions along the metallic catwalk towards the room that hopefully contained Haruhi and Haruki. I say dashed, but it was more along the lines of a hobble, as I was forced to wear high-heeled shoes which were quickly becoming the bane of my existence. Quickly enough, though, we came to a large, metal door, blocking our path. I call it a door, but in actuality, it seemed to have more in common with a gigantic safe. Bolts thicker than my arm held it firmly in place and there was no sign of a way to open it. There was no handle, no ID scanner, no tumbler, nothing. If it weren't for the fact that Asahina had pointed me in this direction and the overhead sign which read "High Security Zone: No unauthorized personnel," I might have mistaken it for a wall.

And yet, while staring at it, it opened on its own. The floor shook slightly as the door dragged itself noisily back a while before slowly lifting upwards.

Had I been given psychic powers? Or maybe I was a sorcerer (or rather, a sorceress) now. I wouldn't be surprised by anything at this point.

"I've opened the door for you all," echoed the voice of the female half of the Koizumi pair through the speakers of the detention center. "I leave the rest up to you. Please bring our friends back as they were, okay?"

For once, Koizumi and I agreed. "Gotcha," I whispered under my breath.

"Okay, this is it, let's go!" Kyon announced enthusiastically as we stormed the open room.

I'm not really sure what I was expecting to see in that room, but it certainly wasn't a jungle of wires and tubes hanging from every corner of the room, all coming together to form a massive tower. The contraption at the center of the room stood at least 10 meters tall, but one part stood out above all others. At the top of the bizarre structure was a glass sphere filled with liquid.

Suspended in that liquid were two figures, a boy and a girl.

"Haruki!"

"Haruhi!"

Kyon and I screamed together. What surprised us the most was the fact that they seemed to be covered in cybernetic materials. Metal plates, wired helmets and mechanical devices covered their bare bodies.

"What the hell are they doing to them?" I cried out.

Kyon looked at me, adding "Well, whatever it is, it can't be good. We need to get them out."

"Agreed."

"Nagato, can you-"

"WHYYYYYYYYYY..."

Kyon's attempt to ask the two aliens to get Haruhi and Haruki back were interrupted by a loud, booming voice that seemed to come from every direction.

"...Who was that?" I asked as I looked around the room. The two versions of Asahina both shook their heads. Well, it wasn't me, Kyon, either of the time travelers or the aliens, and Koizumi isn't here, so who does that leave?

"WHY... HAS IT COME HERE...?" The voice came again. Every word shook the room just a bit.

The liquid inside the tank with Haruki and Haruhi began to swirl about, twisting and turning until a face appeared. Two sharp eyes and a frowning mouth pressed up against the glass as if a man in a mask were looking directly at us.

"ANSWER. FOR WHAT PURPOSE HAS IT COME? WHAT DOES IT HOPE TO ACHIEVE BY DOING THIS?"

Both versions of Asahina cried out and fell to their knees. "What is that thing?"

"IT ANSWERS OUR QUESTIONS WITH A QUESTION. VERY WELL. I WILL HUMOR IT."

The water, or whatever it was, inside the tank above us began to swirl once more, erasing the face. At the same time, liquid seeped out of the floor before us, growing into a column which morphed into the shape of a man. A featureless man, anyway. Unless you count being mostly transparent a feature.

"It may ask me any question it desires. We only ask that it answers mine in return."

The same voice came from the small 'man,' but without the booming echo that shook the ship.

"Who... or what... are you, exactly?" I'm not sure knowing who we were up against would really be of any use, but I had to know.

"We are the guardians of all worlds. We are the ones who are infinite. We exist on all planes. We are the keepers of order."

Well, that told me exactly nothing. But I had a guess already.

"Are you the Multidimensional Microbial Collective?"

The creature, if it was truly a creature, before me stared back for a moment with a look that made Nagato seem downright emotional by comparison.

"We have no name. We simply are. What it refers to us as is inconsequential."

I'll take that as a yes.

"Wh-what are you doing to our friends?" cried an emotional female Asahina, who was now hugging the knees of Kyon. Dammit. I was getting jealous of myself.

"It does not grasp the gravity of the situation. We are troubled by this," spoke the MMC. "We merely act to fix what has been made wrong. For this, we required the ones responsible."

"Don't give me that crap," Kyon erupted in a burst of anger moments before I could. "This only happened because you sent your stupid minions to screw with our friends!"

But the MMC was unfazed by Kyon's emotions, simply staring back as it calmly said, "It is our duty to monitor all worlds for anomalies and to investigate their causes. The fact that there was such a hostile reaction to such petty stimulus only proves the dangers of the powers these beings possess. Humans are creatures of instinct and emotion. To leave such dangerous weapons would be to make destruction and chaos inevitable."

Unfortunately, he had a point. From the moment I learned of her abilities, I knew Haruhi was trouble. I've seen just how much trouble she can create first hand. The fact that I was no longer a man was also due to her powers. The fact that two worlds were about to collide was also, at least partially, her fault.

"Now that I have answered its questions," spoke the MMC in a slow, monotonous tone, "please answer mine. Why has it come here? What does it hope to accomplish? Why did it escape from the worlds I had created for it?"

"What worlds are you talking about?" Could he mean those dreams I saw inside that weird tank?

"Humans desire the unobtainable. They dream of worlds that cannot be. As long as they yearn for that which they cannot have, they will continue to suffer. It was granted a release from this futility. It was given a world constructed from its innermost desires, to be its haven until our work was completed. But it rejected its refuge. Instead, it awoke from its slumber. It came here. It now stands before us, opposing the natural order. We wish to understand the reason for its actions."

So, wait, that world I was in, where I was dating Haruki, that's my 'innermost desire?' Oh, there are so many things wrong with that my head doesn't even know where to start.

...But then, the future versions of Asahina said I would... with Haruki and... argh! This is not the time to be thinking about this crap!

"It wasn't real," Kyon said calmly while I was going insane. "You say it's what we wanted most, but it doesn't mean a thing if it's just an illusion." I suppose from what he says that means he, too, was rescued from a tank of goo. It'd be interesting to see what his ultimate desire was.

"Irrelevant and pointless," lectured the MMC with all the enthusiasm and emotion of a brick. "To a human, reality is a construct made of electrical signals to the brain. Humans cannot differentiate between reality and fantasy. The delusion of awareness of the universe has lead it to act irrationally."

"That's not true!" I turned to see the source of the voice that came from behind me. It was the male Asahina, standing as tall as he could while his body trembled. "We can tell fantasy from reality! We can tell in our hearts. We can sense when something is wrong." He scowled angrily, but his baby-like face seemed incapable of being intimidating. "I... I remember now. I thought it was just a dream, but it was you who made me think that I... that I could be together with..." He shook his head. "Don't say you were doing us a favor, dangling our dreams in front of our faces!"

But the thing before us didn't respond to Asahina's outburst. It simply continued to stare blankly with its empty sockets.

Asahina didn't take kindly to the sudden silent treatment. "Well, say something for yourself!"

"It... has begun."

The world around us began to tremble. The walls, the floor, even the air around us seemed to dissolve into nothingness. I tried to gasp, only to find that there was no oxygen left to take in. The ground beneath my feet vanished. My sight left me. I couldn't hear anything. It was like I was deprived of every sense at once.

And as suddenly as they left me, they returned. Like a freight train colliding with me, I found myself back on solid ground. Looking around, everyone was here. I mean everyone. Asahina, Nagato, even Koizumi, the MMC, Haruhi and Haruki, still in their steel tower, and a lot of guards, all of them pointing their weapons directly at us.

"What was that?" I asked, looking around as a cold sweat dripped down my forehead.

"Have you forgotten?" asked a familiar voice. "Our Master controls the very nature of matter and space. Did you really think you could sneak around our ship unnoticed? Did you think you could just lock us in another sector of the ship and we'd be trapped?"

Youji stood in front of me, personally pointing his gun at my face.

And, actually, yes, I was kind of thinking that. I usually count on the spacial laws to stay pretty constant.

"Well, now you've got us cornered, so now what?" Kyon asked, holding his hands above his head.

"We didn't intend for any of you to break out," Youji explained. "But since you're all here, you can witness what your negligence has wrought."

Pointing up to the sky, I could see now that the room had been reconstructed into a dome, with a glass ceiling that showed the two dimensions we knew so well in their half-collided forms. At that moment, however, we could see the two orbs visibly trembling.

Then it happened. In the blink of an eye, without a sound, the two worlds impacted. The twin orbs floating in nothingness, the worlds that contained our families and friends formed one larger sphere, growing larger, larger, until... it couldn't contain itself anymore and collapsed.

Everything.

Everyone.

It was all gone. In the time it takes take a single breath, we lost it all into an empty void.

I fell to my knees, unable to process exactly what it was that I had just witnessed. My parents. My little sister, or brother, or whatever. Even that moron Taniguchi. Every last one of them was gone.

A pair of hands fell onto my shoulders. Looking back, it was Kyon. He pulled me in, and I started to, embarrassingly enough, cry. It was enough to make me forget how awkward it is to console yourself in such a manner.

"Now does it understand the foolishness of its actions?" The Multidimensional Microbial Collective spoke addressed us again. "But despair not, for what is gone is not lost."

I removed my face from Kyon's uniform to look up as the MMC raised itself skyward and submerged itself into the glass ball that contained Haruhi and Haruki. Power surged through the steel tower, as the wires connected to the two versions of Haruhi began to emit a blue aura. Arcs of electricity surged through the air.

Then as if someone hit the rewind button on the universe, the worlds we knew un-imploded and separated themselves once more. Just like that, they sat apart from each other like every other light in the sky.

Kyon and I looked at each other before staring back at the sky in disbelief. What, exactly, just happened?

"They have learned to tap into Suzumiya's powers with this machine." Unexpectedly, it was Nagato, both of them, who spoke up first. "The device before us released a burst of data similar to the ones we've witnessed before."

Wait. What? "Are you telling me they can replicate Haruhi's... whatever it is Haruhi does?"

The lavender-haired alien twins shook their heads. "That is not possible. The machine before us merely manipulates Suzumiya's mind. In essence, it wills Suzumiya into doing its work."

More brainwashing then? My earlier comparison of this group of dimension-hopping lunatics to a cult was more accurate than I realized. Though I suppose it did sort of save everyone we ever knew from destruction, so I couldn't be too mad. "So, uh, I see then that our worlds are back in order," I noted out loud. "I guess that means everything is wrapped up. So, if it's all right with you, how about we take our friends back, and we go home, okay?"

The sound of multiple rifles being simultaneously aimed directly at me echoed throughout the room. I didn't really expect that was going to work.

The two aliens in the room moved closed to me and Kyon, seemingly ready to defend us if it came to it.

"Now now. It's quite all right. You two can stand down. We have no intention of hurting anyone here. We're not bad guys, really," spoke Youji in a haughty tone that made my fist instinctively clench. And what's that about not being 'bad guys?' Oh, so you're the good type of heavily-armed kidnappers who brainwash people?

"Then what exactly is it that you do intend to do?" I asked.

"Well, that's something I've already told you."

"Please refresh my memory, then."

"Very well. Your friend Suzumiya's powers are virtually unlimited. That power nearly destroyed two worlds. Thankfully, with our resources, we reversed the damage. But what about next time? What if Suzumiya desires the destruction of the entire multiverse? Are you willing to leave that to chance?"

Actually, I'd done some thinking on that very subject. My response?

Yes.

Call it selfish. Call it stupid. Call it whatever you like. I was willing to gamble with the fate of everyone and everything because I knew Haruhi. And I knew Haruhi would never want that. The only reason that things got as messed up as they did was because the ones acting all holier-than-thou in front of me wanted to test Haruhi and make her do something she normally wouldn't. Because they used her as a test subject and it backfired. And now they claim she's the dangerous one?

Forget it. Of all the things in the universe, these reality-warping morons are much, much more dangerous. Haruhi never went around with assault rifles, capturing people, erasing their memories, and then attacking those who resist. So screw it and screw you. I'm not going to help you!

"I'm sorry to hear that." Youji sighed deeply. "It is indeed unfortunate that you won't help us, but not altogether unforeseen. That's why we had to take you captive in the first place. We knew you wouldn't help us willingly. So we planned to have your minds written over so you'd forget all of this ever happened. Then we'd be free to operate without you interfering."

I raised an eyebrow in suspicion. "How could we interfere?"

"You have influence with Suzumiya. That alone marks you as a threat. With that alone, you could wipe us from existence. Even after his and her powers were removed, who knows if you could find a way to undo what we would do? It would not be the first time you chose a world of chaos over a world of stability and order. For that reason, you were to forget we had ever met. To simply assume that Suzumiya's powers had diminished with time until they were gone."

I couldn't truly argue with what he had said. I did once see a world where Haruhi was powerless. A world where everything was normal. No aliens. No time travelers. No espers. No secret organizations. No sliders. No murder mysteries. No psychic powers, worlds filled with giant bugs, and certainly no swapping bodies with alternate versions of yourself. Everything was normal. Haruhi was a normal, if eccentric, high school girl. Asahina was just my beautiful senior. Koizumi was still kind of annoying, but his days were spent at another school, chasing after Haruhi. And Nagato was a cute, but extraordinarily shy, girl who spent her days reading.

It was everything I had wanted since I first found out about Haruhi's bizarre gift. It was an ordinary life. And what was I but a normal, ordinary, plain, run-of-the-mill lazy high school boy? Now look at me. Look what Haruhi's powers had done. I wasn't even a boy anymore. I was stuck in a girl's body and had to deal with all that entailed as well as dimension-hopping, gun-totting freaks.

But, all the same, I rejected that normal world once. And I'd do it again without a second thought.

"Yeah, I suppose you're right," Kyon said, affirming that his heart was indeed the same as mine. "But even if you erased my mind, I'd still fight back. You say this world is chaotic? Well, that's fine by me. So, screw you guys! You're not going to do a damn thing to our friends!" Well said.

"On that we agree," Youji said reaching into his suit, pulling out a strange device resembling a detonator. "Because you're going to do it for us."

"Ah!" Both Asahina squeaked quietly upon seeing the jerk's newest toy.

"And how do you suppose you can get us to do your dirty work?" I asked. Immediately, every guard in the room stepped closer and aimed their rifles at me and Kyon. Oh, right. They have us captive.

"It would have been easier had you complied and delivered to us the TPDD from your friends, but when we captured your time-jumping companions, we managed to copy the technology sufficiently, anyway." With that, Youji pressed a button on his device and the space before me began to warp and shift.

Energy twisted and flowed, altering the space in front of me until I saw a field. A dark, empty field, devoid of life save one lone figure in the distance, moving around frantically. Then I realized what it was I saw.

It was the night at the field outside Haruhi's old school. The night she spelled out 'I am here' in an alien tongue on the field. And the night I helped her.

"Now move." A guard behind me shoved me with the side of his rifle, pushing me nearly into the time-space portal. Behind me, the nervous squeals of Asahina echoed through the wide open room. Nagato, on the other hand, wasn't nervous. Instead, I could feel almost a killing intent emanating from both of the normally serene male and female aliens.

I turned my head back to watch my extraterrestrial friends vanish into thin air. Before I can react, the sound of a body hitting the floor echoes in the room. The guard who just shoved me was struck down in one blow, knocking him unconscious. No, not just him. A dozen soldiers hit the ground at once.

Another thud. And another. And another. Before my heart could give a single beat, nearly every guard in the room had suffered a blow from one of the two quiet aliens.

And then they were stopped. Mere centimeters from Youji's face, the aliens met a barrier that quickly encased them. They were left floating in the air, as if stuck inside a large blue bubble.

Youji sighed disappointingly. "I had hoped your two friends here would have been reasonable and seen the necessity of what we are doing. But I suppose it can't be helped." He approached me and picked up the gun of a fallen guard and aimed it at me.

"Ladies first," he said with a smirk.

I looked at the cowering Asahina pair, the trapped Nagato, and finally at Kyon whose sullen look matched my own. I suppose at this point I was pretty much going to have to comply.

My feet made a rough transition from the hard, metallic floor to the soft, wet grass. I turned around to see the gateway close, leaving me standing in an open field, alone, save a gun-totting jerk standing in front of me.

"Let me explain how this is going to work," Youji said, never lowering his weapon even the slightest. "This is your former world, the field where Suzumiya will come to. We never figured out how she did what she did, what gave her these dangerous powers, but we know it happened here on this date." His face twisted into a smile that said that he was in total control of the situation. The kind of self-satisfied grin that makes anyone who sees it want to slap it off its owners smug face. "You're going to stop that from happening. Then I'll take you back and your other half will do the same."

"And how, exactly, do you expect me to stop Haruhi from gaining her powers?" I asked.

"Don't know, don't care. Talk to Suzumiya. Sabotage her operations before they begin. Scare her away. Just get it done. Because if you don't, then we're going to deal with Suzumiya my way, the way I had planned to from the beginning."

I didn't need to ask what his 'method' was. But I did anyway.

"So if I don't stop Haruhi, what do you do?"

"I kill her."

That's what I thought. And I can't let that happen, but I also can't change the past. So I just need to play along for now until I can think of, well, something. But what should I do in the meantime? I slipped my hands into my pockets out of habit and noticed something there. I pulled out a folded piece of paper. Quietly, I unfolded it and saw it was a note in Asahina's handwriting. When did...? Nevermind.

"Kyon, go to the storage shed. Find a weapon in the toolbox. -Asahina"

I quickly shoved the note back into my pocket and started walking towards the shed.

"Hold it. Before You go anywhere, I want to know what it is you plan to do."

"The supply shed. I, uh, need some tools. I have an idea."

"Fine, but don't try anything stupid."

Unfortunately, just about everything I could think to do at this point was suicidally stupid.

The door to the storage shed was, thankfully, unlocked. As I pulled open the rusty door, I flicked on an old lamp. The room was a disaster area of machines, tools and equipment, scattered about recklessly. But right at the front of the room was something I recognized. A machine for spreading the lines on a baseball diamond. What was it called...? Never mind, it doesn't matter. But what does matter is that Haruhi should come here soon to use this to write on the field.

But first, the note said I needed to get something from the tool box. I walked to the corner of the shed and found it covered in dirt and grime. Opening it up, there was another note. 'Take this' was written on it, with a downward arrow pointing at a large wrench in the box.

An idea hit me.

"Haruhi is going to take this thing here," I pointed at the chalk machine. "But if it were to be out of commission when she got here..."

"Are you telling me the power to alter reality came from a stupid chalk laying machine?"

"You mean you didn't know?"

"We only knew that Suzumiya Haruhi came to this field. At the time, there was no reason to monitor the region closely. We only knew what had happened after the fact."

So, despite their claims otherwise, this Multidimensional whatever isn't all-knowing and all-seeing. That's good to know. If I was up against something like the Integrated Data Sentient Entity, I'd be in trouble. But it seems these guys can't see through time and that means they don't know about what will happen tonight.

I reach into the tool box and grab a screwdriver and the wrench, sliding the latter of the two into a pocket, I approached the device and sat down. Pretending to work on it, I reach for the wheels under it. "If I can just unscrew the wheels, we can hide them someplace... ungh..." Fortunately, pretending wasn't actually necessary. The machine was pretty old and the screws that held the wheels in place had begun to rust. I couldn't loosen them a little.

"Do you think you could give me a hand with this?" I asked.

"...What's the problem?"

"I'm not strong enough to turn the screws on my own."

Youji snickered. "That's pretty pathetic."

I shot him an icy stare. "Whose fault was it that I was trapped in this girl's body?"

"Ugh, fine, fine. If it will shut you up and get this over with, I'll help." Holding his gun in his left hand, he got down on his knees and took the screwdriver from me, looking under the chalk spreader intently.

It was my chance. He dropped his guard. I pulled the wrench from my pocket and held it up high. Without a word, I brought it down with all my might right on Youji's thick skull.

Only he raised his left arm and blocked my attack with his forearm. My sneak attack had failed. Not only that, but he quickly dropped the screwdriver and grabbed the wrench from my hand, tossing it towards the entrance.

"That was a dumb move." He grabbed me by the hair and yanked me upwards. Hey, that's no way to treat a girl! "You had a chance to make everything right. A chance to leave the world in a safer place. And you threw it away because of some misconceived notion of loyalty to your supposed friends."

"Yeah, that sounds like something I'd do." Joking was really the only thing I could do to keep myself from passing out from fear. I was about to die, wasn't I?

I received a punch to the left cheek, sending me straight to the ground. As I rolled around in pain, a foot continually slammed into my gut, causing me to cry out in pain.

"Stupid... stupid girl..." Youji was irate. I had the feeling he never wanted to even give me a chance to do it myself. "Now your friend has to die. But before that..." His beatings stopped momentarily. I looked up to see a rifle pointed straight in my face. "Don't feel bad," he said with a sinister smirk. "This is really for the best."

How reassuring.

I shut my eyes tight. I didn't have the nerves to look a gun down the barrel before it would fire.

Clang. Thud.

Two sounds rang out, and neither of them sounded like a gunshot. Then again the fact that I was still alive enough to hear them suggested that they weren't the sounds of my imminent demise. As several seconds went by, I worked up the nerves to open one eye and saw instead of a gloating homicidal maniac I instead saw one unconscious homicidal maniac and one older Asahina Mikuru brandishing a wrench.

"Well, we seem to keep running into each other this night, don't we?" My savior smiled with a glow that made me think that truly she must be an angel. My relief was short lived, however, as she quickly pushed me along to a set of lockers in the corner, opened the door, and shoved me in. "Please be quiet for just a minute. We can't be seen."

Through the slits in the locker, I watched as Asahina dragged the comatose Youji to the locker beside me, throwing him up and sealing it shut. She then turned off the light, moved behind a pile of scrap metal and ducked down.

A minute passed. Then another. And another. Just as I was about to speak up and ask what it was we were hiding from, I saw it. Or rather, her. Suzumiya Haruhi, still in middle school, entered the shed. She turned on the light, grabbed the chalk-line machine and headed out the door, looking back only for a moment, as if she felt our eyes on her.

After the lights went out and the door was shut, a minute passed before Asahina got up and opened the door to my locker. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up," she said smiling gently. "And don't worry about your 'friend' here. Some agents will be by to take him into custody very shortly."

The older time-traveler took me by the hand and escorted me through the empty, dark halls of the middle-school to the nurses office. When I got there, I saw what she meant by getting me cleaned up. My cheeks and clothes had a fresh layer of blood on them and my face and stomach were slightly bruised where Youji had struck me.

"Ow ow ow!" I winced as she applied anti-septic to my cheek.

"I know it hurts, but you need to hold still. Just about... there. Now, take off your shirt so we can take care of your other wounds.

I could feel the blood rushing to my already pained cheeks at the request. I tugged down tightly on my stained officer's disguise.

But Asahina just laughed politely. "Don't be so nervous, we're both girls here." A fact I wish everyone would stop reminding me of. But I begrudgingly removed my top and laid back onto the bed and let Asahina work on my cuts and bruises.

After some time of awkward silence, I spoke up. "Say, Asahina..."

"Yes?"

"I don't know if I want to know the answer to this or not but..."

"Kyonko, I can't tell you much about the future, but I am authorized to let you know that things will not be restored to normal. As I will tell you on the ship, history will decree that we will not switch back to our original bodies."

My head dropped down. Yeah, she told me this before, but somehow a glimmer of hope still remained in me. But the fact finally hit me that I'd never be a boy again. I sat up as Asahina finished her treatment and looked down at my partially-clad body to realize that this was my new life.

A gentle hand petted my head softly as Asahina looked into my eyes and smiled brightly. "Now, don't look like that. I want you to remember, your body is just a shell. Who you are will not change because your heart is all that matters."

Despite the fact that her lines felt like they were ripped directly from a magical girl anime, I knew she was speaking the truth. I tried to smile for her, but instead tears began to fall. The next thing I knew I was face first in her bosom, sobbing quietly.

"It's okay. It's okay," she consoled me. "I know it's still tough to deal with. I wish I could tell you more, but all I can say is that you will be happy, regardless. You will be very happy. Please trust me on that."

I lifted me head up and nodded gently. I did trust her. But when I thought of my kid sister, how I'd never see her again, it hurt. Yes, I had a kid brother now, and 'he' was 'her' but it was still bothering me.

"Oh, and there's something I'd like you to see," said Asahina.

"What's that?"

"The cause of everything. It may give you some closure before we return to the ship."

"...All right. Show me."

"Good, just close your eyes and try to relax."

I shut my eyes and laid myself back onto the bed and felt my consciousness slip away.

The rays of the sun pouring through the window barraged my eyelids bringing me back to the land of the living. Wait, sunlight? But it was just nighttime, specifically the night of Tanabata. And as I sat up and looked around, this wasn't the same nurse's office that I went to sleep in. It was a nurse's office, but I recognized it as the one at my school.

"Well, good morning. I hope you slept well." The voice that greeted me was that of the older Asahina, now dressed in a somewhat revealing nurse's outfit. The fact that one look at her in such a state immediately filled me with feelings of envy and inadequacy instead of lust made me feel even worse.

"What happened?"

"This is where it all began. Approximately a week before all this business with dimensional collisions and soul swapping began."

"Here? At school?" I looked around. Everything seemed normal for here. Hey, wait, when did I lose my officer's uniform and dress up in my school uniform?

"Oh, that? I changed your clothes after I brought you here."

My face began to burn in embarrassment. "Hey, don't feel to embarrassed." The large time traveler got back on her feet and wrapped her arms around me, gently caressing my head. This had the unfortunate side effect of placing me face first in her chest, which did little to soothe my jealousy.

"Ah," sighed Asahina in a rare moment of bliss. "You're just so adorable as a girl I can't stand it! You're going to be very popular with the boys."

I don't think Asahina realized that to someone who just recently lost his manhood, that is not a very reassuring thing to hear. Oh well. What does it matter.

"Now, Kyonko. Remember, you're just here to observe what happened. You can't interfere. And most likely, interfering with time would not change things, anyway. Changing the future is not impossible, but it is very difficult. Just keep that in mind." She handed me a slip of paper. "This pass will give you free access to the school without anyone realizing that you don't exist in the school database."

"That's all well and good, but just where am I supposed to go?"

"Just follow Suzumiya, and the answer will come to you. Now, go on! I'll be here if you need me." With that said, Asahina sat back down at the infirmary desk like it was the most natural place in the world for her to be.

I quickly glanced at the clock. Any second now...

The bell rang. Lunch time.

And one constant at this school was that you could count on Haruhi to wander around during lunch. She wasn't one to sit still during a break like I was. Which means I need to find her quick before the break ends.

Running down the hall, which was considerably easier with my school shoes back on, I made a beeline for our classroom. Sure enough, as I rounded the last corner, I saw someone familiar. Coming out of the door to the class and headed the other way was our SOS Brigade Chief. I walked casually behind her , stopping briefly to look into the room to see myself talking to a very annoying Taniguchi. I, that is, the other me, casually looked out the open class door and saw me staring back. A chill ran up my spine. I was looking at me, looking at myself. I quickly moved out of his, err... my view.

Come to think of it, I vaguely recall seeing a girl like me walk past about a week ago. The more I thought about it, the better the memory became. I remember an unfamiliar girl walking by, looking at me. I seem to recall thinking she must be new, as there was no way I'd forget seeing someone who looked that damn good in a ponytail.

Oh god. I just ogled myself. I feel so unclean.

Dammit, Kyon, this isn't the time! Haruhi is getting away!

I dodged the crowds of kids moving each way. Fortunately, eating in your classroom was the popular choice, so I didn't have too many people to worry about. I quickly caught up to Haruhi, but kept enough distance between us so that she wouldn't get suspicious. If what I've heard is true, Youji will make an appearance soon and he'll say something that will set this whole mess into motion. I just have to wait and see it for myself.

Haruhi ran up a flight of stairs. I followed. She ran down the hall. I followed. Then she went back down another flight of stairs. Where was she going?

Before I knew what was going on, we'd walked aimlessly around the school for five minutes. Finally, Haruhi went inside the door to the clubroom. Damn. I can't follow her inside.

As those words crossed my mind, the door to the SOS Brigade clubroom flew open and a hand came out, grabbed me by the arm and dragged me inside.

"Tell me who you're working for!" Haruhi pushed my back into the wall and pinned me there by my shoulders.

"Wait, huh?"

"Don't play dumb!" Despite the anger in her voice, Haruhi's face was lit up with a smile like a kid on her birthday.

The interrogation continued. "So, who is it? The student council sent you, didn't you? That's why you were following me, just waiting for the moment to strike, eh? Well, it won't work! So tell your slimy boss that he'll never take down the SOS Brigade!"

"But I'm not-"

"Not from the student council, eh? Then, who sent you? A government spy, maybe? A special branch of the Japanese Self-Defense Force? Or maybe you're from the Illuminati! Majestic-12? Who do you work for?"

Oh man, I was scared out of my mind. I backed into the wall, trying so hard to get away.

"Answer me!" Haruhi pounded the wall.

"...She is a friend." In a voice that could barely be heard, Nagato, who had been sitting in the corner reading her book, came to my rescue.

"Huh?" Haruhi and I were both stunned.

"...I asked her to come here." Without even looking up from her thick novel, Nagato came up with a perfect excuse. You truly are my personal guardian angel.

"That... That's right." I nodded. "N-Nagato asked me to... to come here during lunch and I... uh... I didn't know where the clubroom was so..."

Haruhi sighed disappointingly. "Yeah. I get it, so you followed me, thinking I'd lead you here." She kicked the wall hard. "Dammit, I thought I'd found some secret government agency. Or at least another chance to pester the student council. Anyway, next time you follow somebody, make sure you're part of some conspiracy first!"

...Yeah, I'll get right on that.

As Haruhi let me go, I decided if I was going to stick around, I need to act casual. Nagato, apparently, 'asked me to come over' so there was only one thing to do. I walked over to the bookshelf, grabbed a book, and took a seat next to Nagato.

A few minutes passed as I attempted to read the random sci-fi novel I'd picked up, but considering the circumstances, I found concentrating on the book to be difficult, what with having just come from an inter-galactic star ship where we were all held at gunpoint and realizing I'd be returning there shortly. It didn't help that Haruhi had taken a seat across the table and was staring at me relentlessly.

"Hey, what's your name?" Suddenly, Haruhi asks me a question I hadn't thought of.

I pull a name out off the top of my head. "Hidaka Sayuri."

"Huh. Never heard of you. And I took a close look at every name in the student records at the beginning of this year." Dammit, Haruhi, stop being so thorough and observant!

"I, uh, just moved here."

"Is that so? Where'd you move from? Where do you live now? How'd you get to know Yuki so well that she'd invite you over?"

My forehead was soaked in cold sweat. How the hell would I respond to such a barrage of questions? Hell, a normal person not trying to pass themselves off as a stranger would fumble at such an interrogation.

But my savior came in an unusual form as the door knocked. Opening up, a handsome boy in a different school's uniform stepped in. "Excuse me, but is there a Suzumiya Haruhi here?"

Haruhi jumped from her chair and walked to the door. "Who's asking?"

"Ah, of course. How terribly rude of me," said the boy with a small bow.

But he didn't have to introduce himself to me. My nails dug into the spine of the book in my hands when I saw Youji's face

"My name is Amano Souta. I'm an acquaintance of your friend Kyon."

The urge to take the novel in my hands and tear it into shreds became almost irresistible at that moment. What lies was this bastard here to spread now?

"Oh, really? Who cares." Haruhi shrugged off Youji... err... 'Souta's' comment.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bore you. It's just... when I heard you were also acquainted with him, I felt it best to come here to warn you."

"Warn me about what?"

"Do not fall in love with him."

WHAM!

Haruhi launched herself into the air, delivering a picture perfect drop kick to his chest, sending the all-too-deserving boy flying backwards into the wall where he slumped down. But Haruhi didn't let him rest. She grabbed him by the collar and lifted him to his feet, gnashing her teeth all the while.

I should note that the only reason I was not doing the same thing to the bastard at that moment was because Haruhi beat me to it.

"You've sure got a lot of nerves to come into my Brigade headquarters not only to give me orders, but to speak so casually of our internal affairs as if you knew anything. As for love, I have no time for such nonsense. So give me one good reason why I shouldn't open that door and launch you through it?" The rage in her voice was crystal clear. Even more so when she added, "Speak quickly."

But Youji just laughed to himself. "Temper, temper. Must have hit a bulls-eye somewhere there."

KILL. KILL. KILL.

Haruhi stood still for a moment, but there was an aura surrounding her. An aura that made me get out of my seat and back away slowly, covering myself with my book.

But Haruhi didn't kill him. Unfortunately. As entertaining as that was, instead, she made good on her threat. She opened the door to the club room and prepared to toss that worthless scumball out on his ass.

"Well, all I was here to say is you're not his type, anyway."

And Haruhi stopped. Her face was still filled with rage, but I watched as her lips twisted and turned in a Kafka-esque manner into a sinister-looking smile.

"Oh, is that so? You know, you're pretty funny. So go on, say what you have to say. I could use a good laugh before I throw you out."

With the aura of death surrounding Haruhi slowly retreating, my courage built up again, enough to confront her. "No, no, I think you were better off throwing him out."

"Nobody asked you. And I'm not done with you yet, so just wait your turn." Okay, so, plan A, prevent Haruhi from talking to Youji, ended in complete failure. Plan B, so far, consists of sitting there quietly and listening until I come across plan C.

Youji straightened his tie and smirked. "Thank you. Now, you see, what you need to know is that despite how he seems, Kyon is..."

"He is...?" Haruhi leaned forward.

"Kyon's really a total homo."

WHAM.

The one delivering a painful blow to Youji this time was not Haruhi's feared dropkick. Instead, a hardcover book found its way across the room and the spine crushed the lying bastard's nose. Shortly thereafter, a young, pony-tailed girl sat on his chest, slamming the already battered boy's head repeatedly into the floor until he stopped moving.

"Don't you dare go spreading such horrible lies about me!" I cried at the top of my lungs.

The only sound that filled the room was the sound of cold sweat dripping from my forehead. Did I really just say that out loud?

A hand gently touched my shoulder. That gentle touch then became a life-crushing squeeze as I was pulled from the body of the unconscious boy. "So, what was that you just said?" Haruhi held me by my convenient ponytail handle and gazed into my eyes as a lion looks upon an injured gazelle. "To me, it sounded something like "'Don't spread lies about me.' But he wasn't talking about you. So, why would you say that?"

The droplets of cold sweat flowing down my forehead formed a stream as my mind looked for a hundred different excuses.

"I'm not an idiot. I can see what's going on here," said Haruhi with a grin. "You were stalking me. A girl who shouldn't exist at this school, yet does. And your mannerisms seem familiar, too. It doesn't take a genius to see what's going on here. You're Kyon!"

My jaw hung open. This. Is. Bad. This is very, very bad. Asahina, if you've got some sort of memory erasing beam or some other futuristic device on your person, now would be a really, really good time to come on in and use it. Or else I don't want to know what kind of effects this will have on the world.

"The only question is... why would somebody make and release an obviously imperfect clone of Kyon? And why Kyon of all people?"

Huh?

"My first thought would be that you were sent by aliens. But would aliens have technology that could perfectly stamp out perfect copies. But what if the genetic sample they used was incomplete? Or maybe it was meant to be incomplete, because a perfect duplicate would arouse suspicion? That makes sense. But I can't rule out the idea that it's a government project, too. Like, altering their genes so they're not the same, but having the same memories so that the original won't get suspicious? But what would Kyon know that the government... of course, me!"

After her breathless display of conspiracy-theory logic, Haruhi, smiling from ear to ear, approached me. "So, I've figured out what you are!"

"And what, exactly, am I?" I truly wanted to know what contrived idea she had gotten.

"Obviously the government has no interest in Kyon. But in order to get to me, they went through him. Capturing him in the dead of the night and trained him to answer their every call when a certain stimuli was administered. But the problem was that Kyon could never get close enough to me, because he was way too far down the command chain of the brigade. So instead, they took a genetic sample and modified it to create a female version, who could ambush me in the women's room or locker room! It's so obvious!"

I was at a lost for words. Truly, she had lost her mind. I'd say she was having delusions of grandeur if it weren't for the fact the universe did, in fact, bend to her whims.

"Thankfully I stayed up last night watching that movie series about evil clones, or I might not have seen this coming."

Oh, well, then that explains it. But I couldn't let this go on.

"If that's the case, and I'm really a clone of this Kyon... person, then why did I attack that... huh? Where'd he go?" Haruhi and I looked to the spot where Youji had, until moments ago, lay unconscious on the floor. There was nothing there.

Haruhi shrugged her shoulders. "Must have snuck out when we weren't looking."

That's all you have to say about that? I get the conspiracy theory treatment from one slip of the tongue and a disappearing body gets a 'oh, he left?' Life isn't fair.

"Besides, who cares about him? Not when I have a real life vat-grown secret project created genetically modified clone right in front of me!"

"But I'm not a clone!" I cried out. "The truth is I'm really... I'm really..." You know, I probably should have thought of a probable excuse before blurting that out.

"You're really what?" Haruhi wore a self-confident smirk that suggested that she wouldn't buy my story no matter what, but I gave it a shot.

"I'm... really Kyon's old girlfriend!" Yeah, that'll work! "I moved away, but now I'm back. And... I heard that he was in your club, so I decided to follow you and see if you'd lead me to him. Then this guy comes in and starts bad mouthing my love and I-"

"That's a bunch of garbage!" Haruhi stood triumphantly pointing at me. "There's no way Kyon could ever get a cute girlfriend!"

An awkward combination of a compliment and an insult, like a gentle hug followed by an arrow through the heart. I sat back down in my chair sighing as I contemplated the complicated nature of that statement.

"In fact, you're just too damn cute." Haruhi began circling around me, the look on her lips like that of a wolf approaching an injured deer.

"Haruhi, you're scaring—Kyaa!" A pair of hands wrapped around me from behind, squeezing my breasts.

"Nothing like Mikuru here," she said calmly, "but your charm is... Dammit, how could Kyon make such a damn cute girl? Come here, you!"

The next thing I knew, I was shoved to the floor with hands groping me everywhere.

Oh, my dearest Asahina, I pray you forgive me. Forgive me for any joy I may have ever taken in watching Haruhi sexually assault you and know that I feel your pain.

When my senses returned to me, and the shell-shock wore off, I got to my feet. I was dressed in Asahina's maid costume. Fortunately we had similar measurements, save for... obvious places.

Haruhi stood in front of me with a video camera, beaming with joy. "My first experience with a real-life clone! And she's filled with that moe-factor! It's a dream come true!"

By this point, I'd given up resisting. So I was a clone, according to Haruhi. I was also now her personal dress-up doll, in Asahina's absence. Believe what you want, Haruhi.

"But now comes the important part," she said as she approached me. I sighed to myself and spread my arms out. What's next? The waitress outfit? The bunnygirl costume? What did it matter? I had no dignity left to lose.

Instead, she placed a hand on my shoulder and looked serious. "I won't allow what they've done to you. Or to Kyon."

"Eh?" Okay, now I'm confused.

"Clone or not, you're a person. And that person happens to be a member of my S.O.S. Brigade. Even if it is just Kyon. And I won't stand for a member of my crew to be experimented on and brainwashed into performing some evil organization's agenda! So, tell me where your base is located. Tell me where they made you, and I'll see to it that it's taken down permanently!"

...And finally it all clicks into place. I could see that there was only one way out of this situation, and that was to play along.

"...Okinawa," I mumbled. "The base is in Okinawa."

"I knew it!"

Liar.

"But you could never defeat them," I said in my best damsel-in-distress voice. "They're too strong."

But Haruhi smiled back. "Then we'll get stronger. We'll train over Golden Week and become tougher. And when they show themselves, we'll stand ready."

"...I see. Then, I place my trust in you." Gods, I can't believe the crap I'm spewing.

"I need to go talk to Tsuruya!" Haruhi was acting like a five-year-old on a sugar rush. I could practically see her trembling with excitement. "I think she's got a place in Okinawa! Oh, this is going to be perfect!"

Haruhi made for the door to the clubroom but turned back before she left. "Oh, and you, the clone?" I lifted my head and looked back at the insane brigade leader. "Stay safe. We'll get those guys. You can bet on it." The door shut.

Silence prevailed in the now emptier room.

Until, that is, under the stress, I began to laugh.

"Ha ha... heh... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" I was shaking all over, nearly falling to the ground. It was simply too stupid. Was it a joke? If it was, it wasn't funny. But I laughed anyway.

It all made sense now. Youji thought he was the one who started this whole mess. I don't know why he thought telling Haruhi that I was gay would make her react, but she didn't believe him. Or she didn't care. No, the one who started this whole mess...

It was me.

I gave Haruhi the idea to go to Okinawa. Because I attacked Youji during his attempt to fool Haruhi, because I blurted out my identity, I got Haruhi to believe there was some super secret cloning facility bent on opposing her. And I gave her the idea that she needed to be stronger to fight it. To be stronger, like Haruki is.

It was all my fault. I was playing a starring role in the biggest comedy I've certainly ever seen.

I looked to my left to see Nagato, casually reading a book as if none of this had taken place before her.

"Nagato, do you know who I am?"

She nodded and continued to read.

"And that all that I just said was a lie?"

Another nod.

I sat back down in my chair and slumped forward. "How can things get any worse?" I asked myself as I cradled my forehead in my palm.

Nagato shut her book. "I do not know the circumstances surrounding your genetic recoding, nor why you have traveled back in time with Asahina Mikuru. But whatever troubles have sent you this way, know that I pledged to protect you. This vow will not change with any physical changes you may encounter. Regardless of what you may face, I will be on your side."

With that said, Nagato reopened her book and started to read it once more.

And in my mind, the words of the two older Asahinas echoed. How they were themselves. How who a person is doesn't change with their body. He might be much taller and still wear his glasses, but Nagato Yuuki, the tall boy from the world I just journeyed from and Nagato Yuki, the quiet girl in front of me were truly one in the same. That fact finally hit me.

And for the first time in a long time, I smiled. "Thanks, Nagato. I know what I need to do now."

Not even bothering to change out of my maid uniform, I dashed down the hallway, back to the infirmary.

"Oh, Kyonko, you're ba-" Upon seeing my outfit, Asahina began to snicker to herself.

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up," I sighed.

"No, no. It was just... unexpected. Which is truly not something a time traveler often gets to say. You look adorable, though! But what, exactly, were you doing?"

"Causing no end of problems for myself. But I came to a realization."

"Oh? And what's that?" she asked.

"That what has happened, has happened. I need to deal with the present. Which means I need to rescue my friends."

"That's a healthy attitude to take, Kyon. So, are you ready to go back?"

I nodded. Let's do this.

To be continued.