Opening Montage

Music: "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

First shot is Quinn seated on a train. Jim takes the seat next to her and they start talking. Cut to a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding five years later. Then cut to a hospital room a few years later and we see an exhausted Quinn and smiling Jim holding newborn triplets. Cut to present day and we see the now nine-year-old triplets. Teddy is reading a book while Tommy and Timmy fight over the video game controller. Cut to Teddy rolling his eyes disdainfully at his immature brothers. Next, cut to a shot of Jim working on a car while a tripod mounted camera records the whole thing. Next shot is Quinn making a S'mores 'n' Pores video in the kitchen. Next shot is Jim chatting with Jamie, Chuck and Kevin over beer while Brittany and Daryl make out in the background. Next shot is Jamie teaching a history class at Lawndale High. He notices that the current quarterback is making out with his cheerleader girlfriend in class, causing Jamie to have a DeMartino-style meltdown. Next, we see Teddy hanging out on the playground with a girl his age who is visibly of mixed European/East Asian heritage. They watch the 'normal' kids play with visibly disdain, implying that this girl is the Jane to Teddy's Daria. Next, we see Quinn, Jim and the triplets stand on the front lawn and smile at the audience. The following caption appears under them...

Lawndale

S. 2, Ep. 13

"The Crass Menagerie"

written by

WildDogJJ

Act I

Scene 1

Ext. Shot: Thompson House, day

Kevin, Jamie and Chuck were relaxing on the porch drinking beer while enjoying the fact that the snow and ice have melted and green buds are starting to appear on the trees. Also with them are Jim Carbone and his brother, Chris. While the other three guys relax, Jim and Chris pace nervously.

Chuck: "What's with you guys?"

Jim: "Our mother's coming."

Jamie added some exposition.

Jamie: "Yeah, Gina's coming in from Italy and renting a van."

Chris: "Mom wants to take some of her old friends to this shop in South Beach."

Jim: "My Mom has always had this weird obsession with collecting miniature glass animals. Now, she wants to visit the shop where most of the pieces in her collection were made."

Chris: "Apparently, the animals in Mom's glass menagerie were all hand-crafted by this guy at his shop in Miami."

Jim: "So tomorrow I'm taking the van she's renting and driving down there. On the way, we're gonna stop in Newport News and pick up some of Mom's old friends. They wanna come too."

Jim looks at his watch.

Jim: "I wish Mom would've let me pick her up at the airport and take care of the van. She's seventy-one, for chrissake. She shouldn't be doing this stuff anymore."

Chris reassured his brother.

Chris: "Relax, Jim. Mom's a lot tougher than anyone gives her credit for. She actually tossed Dad on his ass after he strangled you at your wedding. Remember?"

Jim: "I'm surprised you do. I seem to recall you not noticing what was going on because you were too busy taking advantage of the open bar."

Kevin immediately inserts himself into the conversation.

Kevin: (teasing) "So, you're taking care of 'mommy' for a week." He chuckles. "Mama's boy!" He proceeds to laugh.

Jim takes offense.

Jim: (condescending and sarcastic tone) "Yes, that's right! A guy taking care of his elderly mother and her equally infirm friends! A guy making sure nothing bad happens to them! That's real funny!"

Noticing the hostile tone, Kevin stops laughing.

Kevin: "Well, like, not the way you say it."

A piercing glance from Jim prompts a meek 'eep' from Kevin, prompting the latter to move the conversation towards a safer topic.

Kevin: "Sorry, man. Also, you, like, don't have to worry about your wife screwing around while you're gone. I'll keep an eye on things. After all, I'm, like, really good at picking up on that kinda stuff."

Ironically, at this point Daryl's car pulls up in front of the curb while Kevin's wife, Brittany, emerges from the house dressed in a very sexy dress.

Brittany: "Babe, I'm going to the gym. Probably won't be back until late tonight."

Kevin smiles.

Kevin: "Okay, babe!"

As Brittany hops into Daryl's car, Kevin turns towards the other guys.

Kevin: "I also got Daryl to keep an eye on Brit when I'm not around. He's so dependable."

The other guys give Kevin a pitying look as they all know that Brittany and Daryl are having an affair and Kevin's just too dumb to notice the obvious.

At this point, pan over to Casa Carbone (which is right next door to the Thompsons') to see a van pulling into the driveway. Chris and Jim leave the Thompsons' porch as their mother, Gina, emerges from the driver's side. Chris and Gina hug.

Chris: "Mom, how are you?"

Gina: "I'm good, Chris. You?"

As the hug ends, Chris frowns.

Chris: "Still single, still desperately lonely and still financially dependent on my kid brother because most of my take home pay goes to my ex-wife in alimony."

Gina visibly feels awkward. She immediately turns her attention to her other son.

Gina: "Thanks for agreeing to drive us to Florida, Jim."

Jim points to his watch.

Jim: "Mom, you're an hour late. I was getting worried."

Gina shrugged off her son's concern.

Gina: "Sorry, Jim. Some bastardo on the turnpike kept blocking me." (pause) "Until I ran him off the road and gave him the finger, that is."

Chris was impressed while Jim was shocked that his mother, a good Italian Catholic, had done such a thing.

Jim: "Mom!?"

Chris: "That's pretty bad ass, Mom."

Gina: "Grazie, bambino mio."

Jim made his shock and disappointment known.

Jim: "Mom, what if that guy had a gun!? What if instead of letting you run him off the road he'd decided to go full on psycho and off you!?"

Gina was dismissive.

Gina: "Per dio,* Jim, I'm fine!"

*(Italian equivalent of 'for God's sake'.)

Jim: "It's a damn good thing I'm driving you guys down there. God knows what kind of trouble you'd get into otherwise."

Gina is visibly annoyed by her son's over-protectiveness.

Scene 2

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, day

Jim was loading his and Gina's luggage in the van. Quinn and the triplets were there to see them off. After securing the last bag, Jim closed the rear hatch and turned towards his mother.

Jim: "There, secure in such a way that we can add Martha, Carla and Janice's bags without obstructing the rear view."

Gina: "Jim, I appreciate this, but you don't have to come along. We are perfectly capable of taking care of ourselves."

Jim: "Mom, Virginia's a six-hour drive from here and it's another sixteen hours from there to Miami. I can't let you guys drive that long. What if something happens?"

Gina says nothing but is visibly put off by her son's over-bearing demeanor. Seeing this, Quinn pulls Jim aside.

Quinn: "Honey, she does have a point. You really don't have to go along."

Jim: "Quinn, she's my mother and she's not a young pistol anymore."

Gina proceeds to correct her son's ageism.

Gina: "Correct, I am not a young pistol anymore. I'm an old pistol that can still shoot to kill."

Jim: "Mom, you almost got yourself killed on the way from the airport yesterday. Frankly, the smart thing would be to cancel this trip."

Gina: "It was just a minor incident of, come se dice, of road rage."

Quinn: "Jim, she has a point. I really don't think it'd be a big deal if you let your mother and her friends go by themselves."

Jim was adamant.

Jim: "I'm not risking it. Only way I'm letting Mom go is if I tag along so I can make sure nothing happens to her."

Both Quinn and Gina roll their eyes. Cut to the triplets.

Timmy: "Why are Mom, Dad and Nonna* arguing?"

*(Italian equivalent of Grandma.)

Tommy shrugs.

Tommy: "Don't know, don't care."

Teddy sighs.

Teddy: "Dad's overly protective of Nonna while she and Mom are trying to assure him that his concern is touching but unnecessary."

Both Tommy and Timmy raise an eyebrow, prompting a frustrated sigh from Teddy.

Teddy: "Never mind."

Cut back to the adults.

Jim: "So, Quinn, what're your plans while I'm gone?"

Quinn: "Pay some bills, do some house cleaning, chauffer Timmy to theater practice and Tommy to Little League and make a video or two while I'm at it. You know, the usual."

By now, Gina is in the front passenger's seat of the van. Impatient, she honks the horn.

Gina: "Let's go, Jim! The sooner we leave, the sooner I can see how they actually make those adorable glass animali!"

Jim kisses his wife goodbye.

Jim: "See you in a few days, Quinn."

Quinn: "Have fun, babe."

Cut to a few moments later. Quinn and the triplets are waiving as Jim backs the van out of the driveway. They watch as the van heads up the street towards the main road.

Pan across the street to Chris's house. He stares at Quinn with a scheming look on his face.

Scene 3

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, an hour later

Music: "1985" by Bowling for Soup

Quinn was putting some fresh chlorine in the pool while singing along to the song on the radio.

Quinn: "Debbie just hit the wall. She never had it all."

She puts up the empty chlorine bottle.

Quinn: "One prozac a day. Husband's a CPA."

She makes her way to the sliding glass door. There, Quinn has a bucket filled with soapy water.

Quinn: "Her dreams went out the door, when she turned twenty-four."

She takes a washcloth out of the bucket and wrings it.

Quinn: "Only been with one man. What happened to her plan."

She proceeds to wash pollen off of the glass door.

Quinn: "She was gonna be an actress, she was gonna be a star. She was gonna shake her ass...on the hood of Whitesnake's car. Her yellow SUV, is now the enemy. Looks at her average life and...nothing...has been...alright...since..."

Suddenly...

Chris: (VO, off screen) "Bruce Springsteen, Madonna, way before Nirvana..."

Cut to Quinn turning around to see Chris singing along and dancing horribly.

Chris: "...there was U2, and Blondie, and music still on MTV. Her two kids, in high school, they tell her that she's uncool...'cause she's still preoccupied...with 1985."

Quinn shuts off the radio.

Quinn: "Hey, Chris. What's going on?"

Chris: "Just came by to help you out."

Quinn smiled.

Quinn: "Chris, that's sweet. But I've got this."

Chris: "I know, and I'm sorry."

Quinn raises an eyebrow.

Quinn: "Sorry for what?"

Chris: "For my brother running out on you. If I was your husband, I'd never just up and leave you like that."

This makes Quinn visibly uncomfortable.

Quinn: "Jim only left an hour ago, and he'll be back this weekend."

Chris acted as if he hadn't even heard that statement of fact. He made his way to the window.

Chris: "You must really miss having a man around the house."

He then proceeded to take off his visibly stained T-shirt and wipe the window with it. Cut to Quinn being visibly disgusted by Chris's grossly out-of-shape torso and freaked out by his behavior.

Quinn: "Chris, that shirt's really dirty."

Chris: "That's not dirt. It's beer and chili sauce. I just had lunch."

He punctuated this with a loud belch. Cut to a visibly disgusted Quinn. Cut back to Chris.

Chris: "Don't worry, Quinn. I won't desert you and the boys like Jim did."

Quinn emits a frustrated sigh.

Scene 4

Ext. Shot: A parking lot at a hotel in Newport News, VA, morning

Jim was putting more luggage in the van while Gina was catching up with some of her old friends from before she left Tony and went back to Italy.

The first was Marta Espinoza, a short Latina in her late seventies with curly gray hair who spoke with a heavy Cuban accent. She'd come to America in 1980 as part of the Mariel Boat Lift. She met Gina in the late 80's as her husband, Julio "Doc" Espinoza, was the medic for the PMC that Tony and Buck Conroy founded after leaving the Army.

The second was Janice Woods, wife of one of Tony's former colleagues. Janice was a blond woman who spoke with a Carolina drawl.

The third woman was Carla Conroy, wife of Buck Conroy. Carla was a tall woman in her late seventies who kept her hair in a bun and carried herself with a stately bearing.

Jim secured the last piece of luggage.

Jim: "Okay, ready to go."

Carla noticed something in the way her luggage was arranged. With a cross expression, she folds her arms and speaks in an authoritarian tone.

Carla: "Why is my suitcase not on top?"

Jim: "With all due respect, Mrs. Conroy, does that matter?"

Carla: "Yes. My husband is the CO of Black Sword. I am at the top of the pecking order. Therefore, it is only right that my suitcase be on top."

Jim rolls his eyes.

Jim: "Look, my father's retired. I'm not repacking everything just to protect your fragile ego."

Carla slaps Jim in response and speaks to him as if she were a drill sergeant chewing out an insolent recruit.

Carla: "You contradictin' me, boy! Rearrange the bags or you can drop and give me fifty!"

Marta: "Jim, just do as she say, por favor!"

Janice: "Yeah, sooner ya do, sooner we can hit the road."

Jim groans as he proceeds to rearrange the luggage.

Ext. Shot: I-95, a few hours later

We see the van heading south on I-95.

Int. Shot: The van

Jim is driving while the passengers are testing his patience.

Marta: "Are we there yet?"

Jim: "No, we just entered South Carolina."

Carla: "I'm hungry."

Jim: "Don't worry, there's a Burger World at the next exit."

Carla scrunched her nose in disgust.

Carla: "I don't want fast food."

Jim: "Look, if I stop for more than a few minutes then it'll be past midnight by the time we reach Miami."

Janice: "Ah want sum bur-be-que! Th' gud stuff!"

Marta: "And I need to take my blood pressure peells!"

Jim: "We have bottled water."

Marta: "I need to take eet on a full stomach!"

Gina: "Jim, just find a nice table service restaurant where we can get some barbecue."

Jim: "Mom, I'm trying to get us to Miami in a single day. We don't have time to make an hour long stop."

Carla: "And I don't want barbecue, I want seafood."

Janice: "Ah insist we git berbeque!"

Jim finally lost his patience.

Jim: "Look, we're not stopping for table service, alright!"

Gina smacks Jim upside the head.

Jim: "OW!"

Gina: "Jim, you apologize right now!"

Jim emits a frustrated sigh.

Scene 5

Ext. Shot: Panoramic view of Miami Beach, night

We see a view of the hotels and condos that line South Beach. Cut to one of the cheaper hotels and we see Jim and the old women by some rooms. Jim's handing out key cards and making sleeping arraignments.

Jim: "Okay, Marta and Janice get the first room. Mom, you're bunking with Carla, and I'll take the last room."

Carla immediately gave Jim hell for this.

Carla: "Excuse me, but I'm the wife of a General!"

Jim: "Actually, Mrs. Conroy, your husband's highest rank in the Army was Major. He just promoted himself to General when he started the company with Dad."

Carla gets right in Jim's face.

Carla: "You backtalking me, grunt!? I get my own room while you bunk with your mother...THAT'S AN ORDER!"

Jim: "I'm not a soldier, I don't have to take orders from you!"

Gina rolls her eyes.

Gina: "Jim, just let her have her own room."

Jim lets out a defeated sigh.

Jim: "Fine!"

He and Carla exchange key cards.

Int. Shot: Jim and Gina's room, a short time later

Gina was now in her sleep wear, sitting up in bed reading a book. Jim, meanwhile, was seated at the table trying to unwind after what had been a torturous sixteen-hour drive.

Gina: "I can't wait to see the glass animal shop. I can finally complete my collection!"

Jim: "Mom, you've been collecting little glass animals since I was a baby. What could possibly be missing from your collection after forty years?"

Gina: " A purple stained-glass unicorn! I'll give him a home with the dragon and the elephant. I hope they get along well."

Jim rolls his eyes.

Jim: "Mom, they're inanimate objects made of glass."

Gina: "I know, but I like to think of them as also being my children."

Jim: "Mom, Chris and I are your children!"

Gina stifles a laugh.

Gina: "Don't tell me you're jealous of my menagerie."

Jim: "No, I'm not jealous, but I am struggling to understand this obsession."

He then stood up.

Gina: "Where are you going, Jim?"

Jim: "The hotel bar. After that long-ass drive I really need a beer."

Gina: "Pace yourself. We don't need you getting hammered on us."

Jim reassures his mother.

Jim: "Relax, Mom, I'm only having two or three. Just enough to unwind. Later."

Gina: "Have fun."

With that, Jim leaves.

Scene 6

Int. Shot: Hotel bar

Jim approaches the bar. Cut to his POV and we see that they have Bitburger on tap. Cut back to third person as the bartender approaches.

Bartender: "What'll it be?"

Jim: "Pint of Bitburger."

The bartender takes a large beer glass and fills it. He then gives Jim his beer.

Jim: "Thanks."

At this point two muscular young men approach the bar. They appear to be in either their late teens or early twenties and are wearing Penn State jerseys.

Young Jock 1: "Gimmie a Budweiser."

Young Jock 2: "Coors."

Jim looked at them and saw the Penn State jerseys.

Jim: (thought VO) Finally, something I understand! (out loud) "You guys go to Penn State."

They nod.

Jim: "My brother went to Penn State. He was a starting quarterback for the late, great Joe Paterno. How the Lions looking this season?"

Jock 1: "We're totally gonna crush it this fall."

Jock 2: "National Championship, here we come."

Jim smiles.

Ext. Shot: The street in front of the hotel.

Multiple party buses pull up to the hotel. All sport a graffiti style paint job that reads "Spring Break 2023". After the busses stop, loud music starts playing and scores of visibly drunk and rowdy college students file out.

Act II

Scene 1

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, day

Int. Shot: The kitchen

Quinn was sweeping the kitchen floor. Once all the dirt is swept into a pile, she takes a dustpan and sweeps it into that. Next, Quinn empties the dustpan into the kitchen garbage. Once that's done...

Chris: (VO, off screen) "Need a hand, Quinn?"

Pan out to reveal Chris standing behind her. With a start, Quinn turns around and faces him.

Quinn: "How did you get in here!?"

Chris pulls a house key out of his pocket.

Chris: "I have a spare key. It's the one you gave me so I could take care of the house and dog while you, Jim and the boys were vacationing with Mom in Italy over the summer."

Quinn is flabbergasted.

Quinn: "That was almost four years ago!"

Chris fails to notice the hostile tone in Quinn's voice.

Chris: "Yeah, it's a good thing I held onto it."

Quinn extends her hand.

Quinn: (stern) "I want it back!"

Chris hands over the key.

Chris: "Once again, I'm sorry Jim ran out on you."

Quinn rolls her eyes.

Quinn: (thought VO) Not this again! (Out loud) "Chris, Jim didn't run out on me. He's just taking your mother and some of her old friends to Florida for a few days."

Chris acts like he didn't even hear her. He walks over to the kitchen trash can and takes out the bag.

Chris: "Allow me."

He ties the bag. As Chris makes his way from the kitchen to the front door with the trash bag Quinn follows him. After Chris exits, Quinn continues to watch him out the window. At this point, Teddy approaches. He joins his mother in looking out the window.

Teddy: "Mom, I'm almost afraid to ask but what's Uncle Chris doing with our garbage?"

Quinn: "Don't worry, Teddy. As long as he doesn't take it into his own house, we're safe."

Suddenly, both Quinn and Teddy's faces lose color.

Quinn: "Oh, no!"

Cut to their POV and we see Chris actually taking Quinn's garbage into his own house.

Int. Shot: Chris's living room, a short time later

Chris is actually rummaging through Quinn's garbage. He pulls out an old hairbrush with it's handle broken off. Closeup of the brush to reveal strands of Quinn's red hair in it. Pan out as Chris sniffs the hairbrush and smiles.

Chris: "I'm in love!"

Scene 2

Ext. Shot: The streets of South Beach, day

Music: Generic hip hop

Jim, Gina, Carla, Janice and Marta were walking streets clogged with drunk, wild college students. As the old women were taking in the alcohol fueled chaos around them Jim looks disgusted.

Jim: "I don't remember Spring Break being this wild when I was in college. Damn GenZers!"

Cut to Gina.

Gina: "The shop should be just around the next block."

Cut to a shot of a brunette dancing on stage in her bikini in front of a bunch of drunk, horny frat boys.

Girl on stage: "LIKE WHAT YOU SEE, BOYS!"

Whole crowd: "YEAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Frat boy in crowd: "SHOW US YOUR TITS!"

The girl on stage smiles.

Girl: "ALRIGHT! I'M WHIPPING THE GIRLS OUT!"

Cut to Jim and the old ladies before we see anything NSFW. Jim panics.

Jim: "LOOK AWAY!"

Crowd of frat boys: (VO, off screen) "YEAHHHH! TAKE IT OFF, BABY! TAKE IT ALL OFF!"

Jim yells at the crowd.

Jim: "DAMMIT, THERE ARE DECENT OLD PEOPLE HERE!"

The crowd ignores him. Gina then pulls her son aside.

Gina: "Jim, let them have their fun!"

Jim: "Mom, it's indecent exposure!"

Janice rolls her eyes.

Janice: "Ain't like we never seen boobs before!"

Marta: "Just let theem bee, Jeem!"

They turn a corner onto the street that the glass shop is on. A drunk guy in board shorts stumbles in front of Jim.

Drunk college guy: "SPRING BREAK RULES, BABY! WOOO-HOOOOOOO!"

He suddenly looks sick.

Drunk college guy: "gulp...glug...glug...BLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

He pukes all over Jim. After that, he stumbles away.

Drunk college guy: "PARTY!"

Cut to a VERY annoyed Jim.

Scene 3

Ext. Shot: A Shop Rite supermarket in Lawndale, day

Int. Shot: The meat aisle

Quinn was doing some grocery shopping. Timmy was with her.

Timmy: "Mom, can we have prime rib?"

Quinn rolls her eyes.

Quinn: "No, it's too expensive. We're just getting meat for the Sunday Gravy."*

*(meat heavy tomato sauce)

Suddenly, Chris approaches with a shopping cart of his own.

Chris: "Quinn, I didn't know you shopped here!"

Quinn rolls her eyes.

Quinn: "It's the store closest to the house."

Chris turns towards Timmy.

Chris: "Timmy, how are you doing?"

Timmy: "I'm good, Uncle Chris."

Chris: "You know, I'm sorry for what happened."

Timmy was puzzled.

Timmy: "Huh?"

Chris: "Your Dad ran out on you."

Timmy: "No, he didn't. He's just taking Nonna and some of her friends to Florida."

Chris looks at Quinn.

Chris: "That's what you told him!?"

Quinn rolls her eyes.

Quinn: "For the last time, Chris, Jim didn't leave me. He's just out of town for a few days."

She then decides to move things to a less awkward topic.

Quinn: "What brings you here, Chris?"

Chris: "Just shopping for a barbeque I'm having this afternoon. Wanna come?"

Quinn immediately had an awkward expression on her face.

Quinn: "Chris, I have to be honest. Your recent behavior is making me VERY uncomfortable."

She then looks at her watch.

Quinn: "Oh, my, look at the time! Um...Gotta go!"

She and Timmy left in an uncomfortable hurry.

Chris: "See you at the cookout!"

Quinn: (thought VO) No, you won't!

Scene 4

Ext. Shot: The streets of South Beach

Jim, his mother and her friends were walking back to the hotel. Each of the old women has a bag in hand with the logo of the glass shop, The Glass Menagerie.

Gina: "I loved watching them handmake the glass animals! It was like watching a baby be born."

She reaches into her bag and pulls out a small glass unicorn made of swirling blue and clear glass. She pets the miniature animal.

Gina: "Yes, you are so precious! Mommy's got the perfect place for you."

Cut to a visibly embarrassed Jim.

Jim: "Mom, we're in public!"

Cut to Gina's friends, all of whom are complaining.

Carla: "I'm bored! Can we find a Chippendales?"

Janice: "Ah'm hungry! Let's find us sum Flurida burbeque."

Marta: "I want to go to Leetle Havana and veeseet some old friends."

Jim's patience was now wearing so thin that he was visibly fighting the urge to go off on all three of them. At this point, they pass by a stage in the street.

Cut to the stage and we see a DJ and a bunch of voluptuous young women wearing only tight white t-shirts and skimpy bikini bottoms. A man in an alligator costume was aiming a water gun connected to a hose at the girls.

DJ: "ALRIGHT, ALLIGATOR AL IS HERE WITH THE LADIES! YOU ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!"

Crowd: "YEAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

DJ: "THAT'S RIGHT! IT'S TIME FOR THE WET T-SHIRT CONTEST! SO, HOT WATER!"

Crowd: "NO!"

DJ: "COLD WATER?"

Crowd: "YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

DJ: "COLD WATER IT IS! YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO, AL!"

Alligator Al aims the hose. Cut to Jim.

Jim: "But cold water will make those girls nipples...OH, GOD, NO!"

Cut to Alligator Al spraying down the girls on stage. Then, cut to Jim frantically trying to cover his mother's eyes.

Scene 5

Ext. Shot: The hotel, evening

Music: Generic dance pop

We see a wild party going on at the hotel swimming pool. The whole place is crawling with wild, drunk college students.

Int. Shot: Jim and Gina's room

While Gina sleeps soundly, Jim is holding a pillow over his ears in a desperate attempt to drown out the noise.

Jim: (thought VO) Music scene's gone to shit since the early 2000's!

He looks at his sleeping mother.

Jim: (thought VO) How can Mom sleep with all that racket out there!?

The bass from the party outside becomes so hard that it starts shaking the room. Jim has finally reached his breaking point.

Jim: "That's it!"

He angrily throws down the pillow and makes his way to the door. Cut to outside and we see the door open to a mob of drunk college boys and scantily clad college girls.

Jim: "HEY, SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!"

The college age partiers completely ignore him. One guy stumbles in front of Jim.

Guy: "PARTY!"

Jim can smell the alcohol on this kid's breath.

Jim: "Hey, how old are you?"

Guy: "Eighteen, dude! EIGHTEEN AND I LIKE IT, WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Jim: "You're also drunk! Which room are you staying at? I wanna talk to your parents about this!"

The guy turns away from Jim, leans over the guardrail and pukes on the crowd below.

At this point, a big breasted blonde in a VERY revealing thong bikini approaches Jim with a beer in her hand.

Girl in skimpy bikini: "Hey, you're in pajamas!"

Jim rolls his eyes.

Jim: "Because I'm trying to sleep."

The girl smiles playfully.

Girl: "This is a foam party! Either get in a swimsuit of strip naked!"

Another girl, totally naked, runs by them.

Jim: "I am not stripping naked or getting in a swimsuit."

Girl: "Party foul!"

She pours her beer on Jim, then skips away laughing. Jim just stands there, looking totally pissed.

Act III

Scene 1

Ext. Shot: The streets of Miami Beach, day

We see the van stuck in a traffic jam being made worse by the massive crowd of spring breakers partying in the streets.

Int. Shot: The van

Jim is driving while Gina rides shotgun and her friends Carla, Janice and Marta ride in the back. Jim is angrily beating on the horn.

Jim: "COME ON! LET'S GO, DAMMIT!"

Gina: "Jim, what is with you? Why are you so impatient to get out of here?"

Jim: "Mom, look around you! A bunch of irresponsible kids have taken over this town and turned it into Gomorrah. I need to get you ladies out of here ASAP!"

Carla proceeds to complain yet again.

Carla: "Why isn't this van moving?"

Jim rolls his eyes.

Jim: "Mrs. Conroy, we're stuck in traffic."

Carla: "I order you to move this van!"

Gina turns towards her friend.

Gina: "Dammit, Carla, you cannot boss us around just because you're married to Buck Conroy!"

Carla was defiant as usual.

Carla: "I can, and I will!"

Janice joins the conversation.

Janice: "Can we stop an' git sum burbecue?"

Jim, Gina and Carla: "NO!"

Gina then turns her ire back on her son.

Gina: "Jim, this isn't Gomorrah. It's just a bunch of young people doing what young people do. I know you were the same way at that age."

Jim: "Okay, maybe my analogy was a little extreme, but it doesn't change the fact that this is no place for women in their seventies."

At this point, Marta has a senior moment.

Marta: "Where are we?"

Gina speaks patiently to her friend.

Gina: "We're in Miami, Marta. We came to visit the shop where they handmake the animals in my glass menagerie, remember?"

Marta: "Can we go to Leetle Havana? I want to veeseet my brother Raul."

Janice: "Murta, Raul died of heart failure ten years ago, remember?"

Marta just stares blankly. Cut to Gina reaching into her purse. Suddenly, she takes her hand out and looks mortified.

Gina: "Jim, we need to head back to the hotel! I forgot Gary!"

Jim raised an eyebrow.

Gina: "The glass unicorn I bought. I named him Gary. We need to go back for him."

Jim began to lose his patience.

Jim: "Mom, we can't go back to the hotel!"

Gina: "But I forgot Gary!"

Jim snaps.

Jim: "Leave him! I gotta get you out of here!"

Gina becomes visibly angry.

Gina: "I cannot leave Gary! I paid a lot of money to give him a home!"

Jim: "Mom, it's just a glass object. I'll buy you another one."

At this point, the stress of the last few days finally gets to Jim.

Jim: "Dammit, Mom, this is unhealthy! You buy a bunch of stupid glass animals, give them names and treat them like they're actual living things! You need to come back to reality! Dammit, I just wasted several days driving to Florida and dealing with a bunch of old ladies who do nothing but whine and complain, been puked on and disrespected by a mob of drunk, horny college students and put up with all of that...JUST SO YOU CAN INDULGE AN OVER-ACTIVE IMAGINATION, AND I'VE HAD IT! I'M PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN! MOM, YOU'RE COMING BACK TO REALITY, AND THAT'S FINAL!"

This angers Gina so much that she immediately slaps Jim.

Gina: "DISGRAZIA! SPEAK LIKE THAT TO YOUR OWN MAMA! VA FA INFERNO, TE S'FACEEM DISGRAZIO!"*

*( Gina just told Jim to go to hell and called him a disgraceful cum stain.)

Enraged, Gina unbuckles her seat belt, opens the passenger side door and angrily steps out of the van.

Jim: "Mom, what the hell are you doing!?"

Gina: "Going back for Gary!"

Jim: "But, Mom..."

Gina: "VA'FANGUL, JIM!"*

*("Go fuck yourself' in Italian.)

Jim was too stunned to do anything but stare in open-mouthed shock as his mother disappeared into the crowd.

Scene 2

Ext. Shot: A baseball diamond at a park in Lawndale, day

A Little League baseball game is going on. Cut to the dugout and we see that the home team includes both Tommy Carbone and Chucky Ruttheimer. Cut to the bleachers and we see that the spectators include Quinn, who's there to support her son. She's sitting in the top bleacher when Chris approaches her.

Chris: "Here to watch Tommy's game."

Visibly annoyed, Quinn wills herself to be nice.

Quinn: "I'm a very supportive parent, so yes."

Chris sits down next to Quinn, to her very visible chagrin.

Chris: "Me too! After all, I'm a very supportive parent."

Quinn gives him a reality check.

Quinn: "Chris, you're not a parent. Tommy's your nephew, not your son."

Chris, as usual, pretends not to have heard that.

Chris: "You didn't show up at my cookout yesterday."

Quinn: "Sorry, I was busy. I'm sure everyone had a good time."

Chris frowns.

Chris: "Actually, you and the boys were the only ones I invited. I just wanted to show you how dependable I am. What with Jim leaving you and all..."

Quinn interrupts him.

Quinn: "Chris, we need to talk about this. First off, my husband didn't leave me. Second, this is starting to get really creepy. I mean, you're stalking your brother's wife for crying out loud."

Chris: "But I'm just so lonely. Now that you're single again, we can be together."

Quinn rolls her eyes.

Quinn: "In what universe does any of that make any kind of sense."

Chris: "Quinn, I love you."

Quinn rolls her eyes.

Quinn: "Chris, you're not in love with me. You're just so lonely and desperate that you've deluded yourself into believing that I'm now a single parent."

Cut to Chris's POV and we see a kid on Tommy's team stepping up to bat. Cut back to Chris and Quinn. Chris angrily stands up.

Chris: "COACH, WHY AREN'T YOU PLAYING TOMMY CARBONE! DAMMIT, HIS FATHER RECENTLY ABANDONED HIM! I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT BOY! I WANT YOU TO PLAY HIM RIGHT NOW!"

Quinn buries her face in her hands out of embarrassment. Cut to the dugout and we see Tommy doing the same thing.

Chucky: (snarky monotone) "Your uncle thinks he's your dad."

Cut back to the bleachers as Chris sits back down next to a VERY embarrassed Quinn. He immediately puts his hand on her shoulder.

Chris: "Sorry about that, Quinn. I'm just very protective of our son."

That steps on Quinn's last raw nerve.

Quinn: (very angry) "Chris...GET YOUR GODDAMN HAND OFF ME!"

She backhands Chris so hard that it knocks him over the back of the bleachers.

Chris: "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

We hear him hit the ground with a loud thud. Cut to the dugout.

Chucky: "Your uncle got bitch slapped."

Scene 3

Ext. Shot: A street in South Beach, day

Jim is frantically searching for his mother while trying to ignore all the spring breakers partying hard in the streets.

Jim: "MOM! MOM, WHERE ARE YOU!?"

Suddenly, a visibly drunk male college student bumped into Jim, spilling his beer on Jim's shirt in the process.

College student: "PARTYYYYYYYYY!"

Jim: "OUTTA MY WAY, DRUNK ASS!"

He angrily shoves the drunk kid aside. Cut to a group of kids who saw this.

College boy: "HEY, THAT OLD FART JUST PHYSICALLY ASSAULTED GREG!"

Stoner dude: (to Jim) "LEAVE HIM ALONE, YA NARC!"

Hippie chick: "DON'T BRING YOUR HATE CRIMES HERE, YA FOSSIL!"

The whole crowd was now forming a lynch mob around Jim.

Guy in crowd: "KICK HIS ASS!"

Jim: "Oh...SHIT!"

He turns and runs as the crowd gives chase. Jim then ducks into the nearest door, which happens to be the shop known as The Glass Menagerie.

Int. Shot: The Glass Menagerie

Jim bolts into the store and breathes a huge sigh of relief as the kids, having not seen him go in, run right by.

We cut to the shopkeeper, who is inspecting his latest piece. He's an old man with gray hair and a thin mustache. He speaks with a very effeminate voice.

Gay shopkeeper: "May I help you?"

Jim: "No, I just need to lay low for a few minutes."

Gay shopkeeper: "I see, handsome. Not interested in my wares."

He recognizes Jim.

Gay shopkeeper: "You were in here with some old ladies yesterday, weren't you?"

Jim nods.

Jim: "My mother bought that purple striped unicorn."

Gay shopkeeper: "Ah, yes! Gina Sorrenti, formerly Gina Carbone. She's been mail-ordering my pieces for years. It was nice to finally meet her in person."

Jim: "I just wish I understood why she's so obsessed with these things. You know, she actually named that unicorn Gary and talks about it like it's a living thing."

The gay shopkeeper reacts with a proud smile.

Gay shopkeeper: "I LOVE hearing how much my work is appreciated."

Jim: "I just don't get it."

The gay shopkeeper shakes his head.

Gay shopkeeper: "My pieces are highly therapeutic. They're a means of temporarily escaping reality. I've been in this business for almost fifty years now. All of my customers are married women who feel trapped in an unhappy life, and I do what I can to make that just a little more bearable. Tell me, has your mother ever seemed so unhappy that she needs an escape?"

Jim: "No, never."

He suddenly remembers something that causes him to backpedal.

Jim: "Well, except for the thirty-six years that she was married to Dad."

Squiggle screen as we transition to a flashback.

Jim's flashback

Int. Shot: A small kitchen, 1993

There's a mountain of dirty dishes in the sink and a visibly angry Tony standing right in front of the sink.

Tony: "You want me to wash the dishes, Gina!? FINE, I'LL DO THE DISHES, YA INSUBORDINATE BITCH!"

Tony angrily picks up a chair and proceeds to violently smash the dirty dishes with it.

Tony: "HOW'S THAT FOR DOIN' THE DISHES, YA BACTALKING SKANK!?"

Cut to a visibly frightened 11-year-old Jim.

Little Jim: "MOM, DAD'S DESTROYING THE KITCHEN AGAIN!"

Cut to Gina petting a glass horse from her menagerie, looking totally unaffected by all the surrounding chaos. Squiggle screen as we transition back to the present.

End flashback

Int. Shot: The Glass Menagerie shop, 2023

A now 41-year-old Jim shudders at the traumatic memory. He then looks at one of the display cases.

Jim: "So, these things were how my mother coped all those years?"

The gay shopkeeper nods.

Now that he understands, Jim visibly feels guilty for going off on his mother earlier.

Jim: "I owe someone an apology."

Gay shopkeeper: "Apology accepted."

Jim rolls his eyes.

Scene 4

Ext. Shot: The parked van, late afternoon

Jim approaches and is relieved to find Gina there.

Jim: "MOM! THANK GOD YOU'RE ALRIGHT!"

He runs up to his mother and hugs her. After the hug, Gina holds up the glass unicorn.

Gina: "Of course I'm alright! I just went to the hotel and got Gary. They had him at the front desk."

Jim: "About that, Mom. Sorry I went off on you earlier. I...I just didn't understand how much those things mean to you. I do now, now that I've had some time to really think about it. That glass menagerie was what kept you sane all those years you were married to Dad."

Gina nods.

Gina: "Si, yes, and apology accepted. Also, sorry I cursed at you."

Jim shrugs.

Jim: "I understand. Frankly, I was acting like a total jackass."

Pan out to reveal that our party of travelers is shy a person. Cut to a suddenly worried Jim.

Jim: "Where's Marta?"

Carla proceeds to explain.

Carla: "Her senior moments are getting really bad today."

Janice: "Kept babblin' 'bout her dead brother an' went ta go look fer him."

Jim's eyes went wide.

Jim: "Oh, God, no!"

He turned and left.

Gina: "Jim, where are you going?"

Jim: "To find Marta."

Carla: "But this van's uncomfortable!"

Janice: "An' I'm hungry!"

Jim loses his patience.

Jim: "Live with it!"

He runs off to find Marta.

Scene 5

Ext. Shot: The streets of South Beach, sunset

Jim is navigating the massive crowds in a desperate attempt to find Marta.

Jim: "MARTA! MARTA, WHERE ARE YOU!?"

Coincidentally, he's by the same stage where they'd had the wet t-shirt contest the previous afternoon. Cut to the stage and we see that the DJ is doing his spiel while the guy in the alligator costume has his hose at the ready. A bunch of girls in skimpy string bikinis are bumping, grinding and twerking to music on stage. Some are even making out with each other while the crowd cheers on.

DJ: "NOW, THIS IS HOT! AM I RIGHT!?"

Crowd: "YEAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

Suddenly, we see Marta wondering across the stage.

Marta: "RAUL! RAUL, WHERE ARE YOU!?"

Cut to Jim.

Jim: "Oh, no!"

Cut back to the stage.

DJ: "LOOKS LIKE WE GOT A PARTY CRASHER! YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO, ALLIGATOR AL!"

The man in the alligator costume aims his hose gun at Marta as the crowd chants.

Crowd: "HOSE HER! HOSE HER! HOSE HER!"

Suddenly, Jim gets between Alligator Al and Marta, taking the full brunt of pressurized water. Cut to the crowd.

Crowd: "BBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Guy in crowd: "GET OFF THE STAGE, POPS!"

Jim angrily snatches the hose gun away from Alligator Al.

Jim: "LET'S SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT, JERK!"

He angrily sprays Al so hard that it knocks him on his ass. Cut to the crowd as they suddenly become very angry.

Crowd: "BOOOOOOOOOO!"

Guy in crowd: "GET HIM!"

The crowd start to angrily throw things at Jim. In the crowd, one guy accidentally elbows a girl. Unfortunately, her boyfriend is right there.

Boyfriend: "HEY, THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND, ASSHOLE!"

He punches the guy who's accidentally elbowed his GF. Suddenly, another girl gets in his face.

Girl: "THAT'S MY BOYFRIEND, YOU PRICK!"

She punches him so hard that it causes him to almost knock another guy over. This sets off a chain reaction and a full-blown riot ensues. Cut to the DJ.

DJ: "uh-oh!"

Jim frantically carries Marta away as the riot begins in earnest.

Scene 6

Ext. Shot: The parked van, evening

Gina, Carla and Janice were still waiting. Cut to see Jim running towards them, carrying Marta over his shoulder and being chased by an angry mob.

Jim: "WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!"

He frantically puts Marta in the van while Gina hops into the passenger seat and the other two women buckle up. Next, Jim runs to the driver's side and jumps in, narrowly getting hit with a baseball bat in the process. Jim starts the van as the rioters surround them.

Jim: "HANG ON!"

He speeds away and up the road. Several rioters get in pickup trucks and give chase. Cut to inside the van and we see everyone panicking.

Carla: "GO FASTER, JIM!"

Jim: "I'M TRYING! THIS VAN SUCKS!"

Cut to outside and we see the van racing towards one of the bridges across Biscayne Bay that connects Miami Beach to the mainland. Cut to the bay and we see a massive yacht with a VERY tall sail approach. Cut to the bridge and we see the drawbridge start to go up. Cut to inside the van.

Jim: "oh...SHIT!"

Janice: "THEY'RE GAININ' ON US!"

Jim's face narrows into a look of fierce determination.

Jim: "Hang on, it's about to get VERY bumpy!"

He floors the gas. Cut to outside the van as it crashes through the gates and goes up the rising drawbridge at top speed. Cut to inside while the van is airborne.

Everyone in the van: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Cut to outside as the van lands hard on the other side, having cleared the span. The van speeds off. Cut to in front of the speeding van as we see several of the buildings in South Beach start to catch fire while all the people on the ground are killing each other.

Ext. Shot: I-95 northbound, a short time later

Int. Shot: The van

Jim is driving while Gina, Janice and Carla are visibly relieved. Marta, on the other hand, is confused.

Jim: "Damn, that was close!"

Carla: "Thanks for getting us outta there in time, Jim."

Janice: "Yeah, yuh saver our lives!"

Marta: "When are we gonna get to Meeameee? Geena wants to veeseet the glass shop."

Jim rolls his eyes. He can't wait to be back in Lawndale.

End Credits.