{.x.o.} | Rapture's Remorse | {.o.x.}
{x| Chapter 12: Reprieve |x}
The silence that followed the sharp collision of callous skin to softness was almost as bad as the sting; the length of it seemed to drag on to intensity for the pain—not physical, emotional, the burden she had been carrying for so long… so long. The slap was well deserved, so wouldn't curse him for it, she just couldn't look at him either.
Truthfully, it was a relief to feel him strike her across the cheek like that. She deserved it, she deserved punishment, she hadn't really lied to him but remaining mute about the truth of the matter wasn't better. It was essentially the same… she had wronged him, in so many ways.
"What the fuck do you mean?" He jeered once his mad mind could register everything—it was instinctive to harm someone after such a declaration. She killed someone he loved, cherished, would die for—so of course he was going to hit her, she was just lucky it was a slap and not a punch.
"Tell me everything, now, Kagome! No more playing stupid, no more hush, tell me what you did!"
If it was true... if she really did it, really killed his sister in cold blood, then why stay around him? Did she enjoy seeing the wreck he was? Did she get a twisted thrill out of watching the mayhem and self-destruction? But... but that seemed all wrong, her personality didn't mesh with such an idea but... then again, he would have never guessed she was a murder either. What the hell did he know?
Nothing, he'd soon discover.
She nodded weakly as she shut her eyes then reopened them to turn her face straight so she could see his wrathful being. "It's my fault," she began, because above all else, he needed to understand that. It was her fault, not his, hers. "I should have seen it coming… I should have stopped her, I should have done something. I didn't know the classic signs back then, though. I didn't know that she was settling matters and saying her goodbyes… I didn't. I should have stopped her, I should have…"
"Spit it out right fucking now or I'll slap you again," Inuyasha threatened and for a moment she contemplated remaining silent just to feel the reprieve of another well earned strike but he needed the truth, and he needed it then.
So, instead, she sighed and nodded, "four years ago on September 26… I was only eighteen; she was still my nurse at St. Raphael's… I was such a stupid girl, I didn't notice… your sister, Kikyou-sama, killed herself on an overdose of pills in the nurse's lounge."
Instantly, his brows flexed together—nothing made sense. The world had gone to hell in a hand basket. So many questions flickered about his battered brained. How was it Kagome's fault if Kikyou ODed? Why would Kikyou OD? Was it a mistake? Was Kagome even telling the truth? Worse… did she do it on purpose?
"How… is that… your…?" He barely managed to say before no more words could exited his confused mouth.
"I should have known, I should have stopped her, I could have… she told me, in so many ways… so many, many ways. But I didn't notice… or I just didn't care to. I was always jealous of Kikyou-sama, she was so pretty, so caring, everyone loved her, and even the man I… but I loved her, too. Maybe if I wasn't so envious… maybe then I would have noticed."
"You're lying," he asserted as he grasped her upper arms, "Kikyou would never kill herself! Not on purpose! She went to a Catholic boarding school, her father and her were devout that's a freakin' immortal sin! She wouldn't have done that, no matter what! Don't lie to me, Kagome! Stop fucking with me already!"
"I'm not," she insisted, "she really did… I'm so sorry."
He snorted and pushed away to pace about the room as the stunned maiden remained pin to the wall, "take me to her, if you are telling the truth then take me to her grave!"
"She's not buried in Nikko… she's back in your hometown… in Sapporo."
"Then we are going there now," he demanded.
"Inuyasha… my grandpa—"
"You killed her, right?" he jabbed, he even got a twisted delight out of watching her cringe at the accusation she felt was accurate, "then take me, now."
"OK…" she murmured as she slid back on her shoes and watched him do the same in such haste.
There was no denying the rage that obviously pulsed through him at that moment—which was, unfortunately, almost purely directed at her.
But that was how it should be, right?
[…]
The plane ride from Nikko was silent, filled with hostel, hushed, hatred that channeled from him to her completely—so clearly… she could really feel it. If he glared at her every once and a while it would have been easier, but he disregarded her and stared squarely at the seat in front of him, his brows bent together the whole time and heavy, bothered breaths.
He grabbed her arm and led her off the plane and into a taxi without a word, too, just a nod for her to tell the driver were to go, which she promptly did.
She was lying, obviously, she just said the name of whatever grave yard she could think of… that's all. Really. That's all… she was lying. She didn't know a damn thing, that's all that fluttered about his mind on the ride over. He knew his sister; she'd never do that… never, never.
The world didn't make sense to him as is, if that was the truth… it never would and… what did he have to live for? Why stay? Why not just follow her lead if it was reality? If she was gone, what was there?
He swallowed his breath as he followed Kagome through the graveyard to one that was well kept, clearly cleaned often, that had incents even recently lit. The wind blew his silver strands for a while before he found the courage to take the last few steps… Hayashi Kikyou, there was even a photo of her.
"No," he murmured, "no…"
"I am so sorry," Kagome whispered and, wrongly, tried to reach out to just tap his shoulder but instead he knocked it away and dropped to his knees in front of his long-lost-love's grave.
"What the fuck," he muttered with twitching, arched brows; his shoulders shook slightly as he unstably reached out to touch the stone. No. "Why… why? Why?! Why didn't anyone think that, hey, maybe we should call Inuyasha? Maybe he'd want to come to the funeral! Maybe he'd like to know his sister is dead!"
"I'm sorry," she felt like a broken record but what else was there to say? Still, her words were empty upon his drooping dog ears, "Kikyou-sama… she told me that you disappeared, you ran away to Tokyo without telling where you'd be staying. That your parents didn't know how to find you... maybe that's why?"
"Shut up," he snarled, what the hell did she know? Nothing. Nothing. They still should have found him, they still should have… all this time, he thought maybe he'd see her again. "Fuck that bitch, she should have told me still."
His mother? How rude of a thing to say, but she dare not tell him that was how she felt. What did she know? Perhaps she was an awful women, she had never heard much about Kikyou's parents just Inuyasha, just her beloved half-brother.
"I'm gonna go see her," he decided as he stood up, he couldn't stay there anymore, he felt his world falling down around him—his barely stable one, at that. So he had to run, he was so good at running from reality.
She murmured, "your mother?"
"You are coming with me," he snapped.
"Why?"
"Because I said so," he stated as he once again took her arm harshly and tugged her along with him. Moreover, it would rub the guilt the girl obviously felt in more. Regardless if it was her fault or not, really, why would he stop to wonder?
His world had just imploded, he hadn't time to.
[…]
How the outside of a humble home with a pretty garden, a fence, and a garage could appear so off from the truth within it, the hell that raged on for years and years while everyone thought, 'oh, the Hayashis have such a nice house' or 'aw, how their daughter is so well-behaved, it just can't be helped with the boy is a bastard, like father, like son…' that was what dear old-step-dad always thought, too. He tainted Kikyou, it was him, just like his father taunted Izayoi, who otherwise would have lived happily ever after with the perfect husband and child.
But no, Inu no Taisho had fuck everything up along with the child he fathered then promptly abandoned along with the mistress that suddenly got in the way.
"Are we going in?" Kagome meekly murmured to snap him out of his daze as they stood outside the gate into the yard.
"Shut up," he muttered back as he pushed open the always unlocked gate to walk up the path to the door and knock. Maybe she wasn't home… yeah, then he'd just leave. He didn't really want to see her—how many years had passed by? No one ever wanted the prodigal child to return, not when he was such a fuck up.
That was when the worst thought came to mind—what if his step-dad was home? He hadn't even thought about it until he had already knocked, that was enough to get him to step back but the door opened and aged yet still elegant women appeared. For a moment, not even he could place her—it was the scent that told him, mom. That answered that; he was gone for so very long.
"Oh my God," the women awed as she lifted a hand in front of her mouth, "Inuyasha…"
He didn't have the time to respond before a pair of thin arms wrapped around his neck and the frail figure of his mother's began to shake from her sobs, for a moment he contemplated comforting her but then thought better of it.
"Kikyou's dead, and you didn't tell me."
He could feel her body tense up as she slowly slid off her son to look up at the taller man, "you've grown… but you are so skinny, don't you eat well?"
"Kikyou is dead," he repeated stiffly, "and I just found out today. What the fuck?"
"Still such language," she sighed as she stepped aside to wave him in and the girl that was with him, too, "please take a seat, I'll get some tea."
"I still don't like tea," he snapped, startling the women drastically, "have you not heard me? Kikyou is dead! Dead! I just found out today!"
"I didn't know where you were, Tokyo is such a big place," she murmured, "I looked… we hired private investigators… honey, I've missed you."
"Don't touch me," he ordered with a slap against the hand that tried to caress his cheek.
"Please sit down," she sighed as she waved towards the living room, the modern one with a couch, love seat, and armchair. Inuyasha took the latter, his mother the couch, and Kagome sat far away on the love seat. "I'm sorry… I am, it hit me hard, so hard when your sister…"
"Did she really kill herself? That's what I hear but it can't be true," he shook his head slightly, "it can't be… it's Kikyou… she wouldn't have done that."
"I know," she mumbled between tears, "I know… but she did. An overdose of pills, I never even knew she had a problem… it broke my heart, your father's too. He passed a few years back."
"He's not my father and never was," Inuyasha snarled, "the fucker deserved to die."
"Inuyasha," she snapped, "don't talk like that."
"He made my life miserable! Why do you think I left?! He was always judging me, always looking down at me!""
"Maybe..." she murmured but clearly thought better of whatever she was about to say.
"Maybe, what?" He scowled, "maybe if I weren't such a fuck up? Hey! Well, ain't you lucky? I left, you must have had a damn great life without me."
"Don't say that," his mother pled, "never say that, I love you. Do you know how worried I've been about you? Do you know how many nights I stayed up wondering if I'd ever get a phone telling me that I'd never see my baby again?"
"Your screwed up child, why was it my fault?" Inuyasha inquired harshly, "why me? Kikyou… it wasn't like…" he didn't taint her… but he did, right? Everyone said he did, so it was him. It wasn't mutual or else she would have kept up communication once she was gone.
"I don't know how it happened," Izayoi sighed as she whipped the tears away from her blood shot eyes, "how did you two form such an attachment…?"
"I'm sick, obviously," he scoffed, "what else explains that? If it makes you feel any better she gave up on me, too. A month after she left she stopped writing."
His mother's brows flexed together right away before she looked to the ground then back at her hurting son that she could make better, just a little, she could cure a pain that he wore on his sleeve. "That's… that's not true."
"What?"
"Your father… he intercepted the e-mails, he deleted them, he blocked them… Kikyou kept trying, no matter how far apart you put you two…" she shook her head as she brushed some of her ebony with weaves of gray hair behind her ears, "it's like you knew, did you?'
"Knew what," he grunted, "stop being so vague, woman."
Where did the affection boy she once knew went? It broke her heart all the more, "Kikyou… Nobu, he was married before we met but his first wife passed away… giving birth to Kikyou."
No…
No.
No.
His world couldn't take that, too, not everything in one day. Not Kagome failing him… then Kikyou was dead then… it was all lie. Everything was a lie. Not one damn thing in all his life was the truth. Never before had he felt such a pulsing need for that liquid joy that he hadn't touched in almost five months, or even just an endless amount of alcohol.
"We… what… the fuck?" Inuyasha snickered, "we aren't blood?! What the hell then!? Why did you two act like we were so sick if we weren't even blood!"
He had never smelled his mother's scent in Kikyou but a profound, overpowering, part of her was Nobu's, her father, his hated step-father, and he just thought that part overshadowed the other. That was all… he had always been told, this is your half-sister, when he was a little boy he never thought that someone could lie, let alone his mother. And Kikyou was just a baby when he first remembered her, so what did he know?
A weight was gone, just like that. They weren't blood. It wasn't wrong.
"You were raised siblings, it was wrong," she stated, "wrong."
"Go to hell," Inuyasha demanded as he stood up, "fuck you, and fuck your dead husband. Do you what you put me through? Do you know how fucked up I thought I was!? And it wasn't! Kikyou's dead now and you are to blame!"
"Inuyasha!"
"This is the last time I'll see you," he growled before he stormed out, slamming the door full force behind him.
"And who are you?" Izayoi inquired before Kagome could even get up, "are you my son's girlfriend?" She wouldn't be surprised since the girl oddly resembled Kikyou in a way.
"No," she mumbled, "he's had a hard time, though. I'm sorry about his poor behavior…"
"Perhaps I deserve it… Perhaps he is right, if I had… let them," she pressed her lips together and sighed, "Kikyou might have…"
"That had nothing to do with it," Kagome assured as she slid to the edge of the love seat.
Izayoi hissed, "What would you know about it?"
"My name is Higurashi Kagome, I don't know if your daughter ever mentioned me…? She was my nurse while I whenever I was admitted to St. Raphael's in Nikko." A realization appeared in the hazy eyes before the nod, "she was so good to be, I don't know what I would have done without her. Your daughter was an amazing person, really."
"I remember hearing about you," she even faintly smiled at the notion, "she loved you like a sister. Will you do me a favor, will you take good care of my son?"
"As best as I can. Ma'am, I'm the only one responsible for her death, so don't blame yourself," Kagome assured as she grasped her hands together.
"How is it yours?"
"You see…"
[…]
His breath was erratic at best as he ran his hands through his hair and closed his eyes quite a few times. What was left of the world as he knew it? How was he supposed to comprehend all that? How…? He stopped his pacing when he noticed Kagome finally come out of the house—what took her so long? Did it even take her long, was it a short time? Who knew, he surely didn't anymore.
Maybe time was even a lie.
"What were you doing?"
"I had to tell your mother that it wasn't her fault, it's not yours either, it's mine," she simply stated.
"What do you think that? If it is anyone's it's that bitch," he even emphasized it by pointing towards the house he grew up in, "and her fucking dead hubbie. So tell me, Kagome, please, why you get to be the only one to bare that burden, huh? What makes you so goddamn special to be able to say you are the only one responsible for Kikyou taking her own life? Why you?"
In an odd way, she was rather touched but his spew, crazy, huh? But then she placed her hand upon her chest to explain, he'd understand, "I would be dead right now if Kikyou was alive. She traded her life for mine. Kikyou ODed to take some pills so that she wouldn't damage her heart and fell into a sleep she would never wake up from in St. Raphael's. It was the night before my last surgery… Kikyou had a will that stipulated that her heart would go to me.
"I had some very specific transplant needs and Kikyou fit them… she knew it, too, and now she'd dead only so I could live. She knew, we both did, that I would most likely die from another open-heart surgery, that I would probably never get a transplant… so she took it into her own hands. I… I promised Kikyou if I ever got better that I'd help you just like she always wanted to because, to the very end, Inuyasha, she still thought about you ever day and loved you more than anything else. I learned a lot about you… because she talked about you."
Stun stabbed him, but so did a lot things that day… his brain, his everything, was on overload. If not for the tears that trickled down her cheeks as she spoke he might have stayed pissed but instead he took a step closer and placed his hand upon her chest, trigging a gasp from her.
"This is Kikyou's heart?"
"Yes…"
For a while, they simply stayed like that, his golden gaze locked on where his hand laid.
He could feel the beating; all that time she was nearby… he was hearing Kikyou's heart beat.
"I need… time to think," he muttered.
She smiled weakly as she placed her hand on top of his, "I understand."
[…]
Together they bought a hotel room for the night, a two bed one so that he could lie upon his for hours of silence as she sat on hers to stare at the blank TV.
It took moment for her to process the words he chose to break the hush, "where do you get all your money from?"
What an odd thing to wonder, but oh well, "you have probably figured that out by now."
"Kikyou left all her money to you, huh?"
"Yeah, she wanted me to use it to get a college education and to help you… and that's what I did."
He nodded his head and pushed off to bed to turn to see the guilt ridden girl, "I've decided… that I don't blame you, Kagome. It was Kikyou's choice and while I don't like it, it sounds just like her to do something so stupid… that if anyone is to blame it's my lying parents."
"That's not true," she murmured.
"Yes it is," he argued, "it is, Kagome."
"Really?" She muttered, "truly? Do you believe that?"
"Would I really lie to comfort you, right now of all times?"
That was probably true, so she let out a shaky breath and raised her hands up to grasp her cheek and close her watery eyes. "Thank you for saying that. I've told people about it before… mostly only priests in confessionals and they've all said that it's not my fault but it means everything to hear you say it… thank you."
"I believe that," he weakly grinned, "but… I can't be around you. Please try to understand, it'd hurt too much to know you have a part of Kikyou in you."
"I do," she whispered, from the start she knew once the truth came out that was the answer she'd get. Once she told him… they'd part ways, she had accepted that, though the ache still didn't diminish. "Inuyasha, one thing, please… don't go back on drugs even though Kikyou-sama is gone."
"For Kikyou, for her sake, for her memory, I'll never touch the stuff again," he promised, winning a weak smile from her tired expression.
"I don't like Tokyo much and now that my grandpa's mind is really starting to go I think I should move back to Nikko, if you are really going to be alright."
"I will," he assured, "that's probably a good idea."
That was about it, they shared 'goodnight's, turned the lights off and went to sleep only to wake up and take the same flight—this time, their seats weren't next to each other, on purpose, maybe?—and returned to Tokyo.
That was the end of them—one last good bye.
[…]
"I'm sorry to hear you are moving," the handsome doctor that once owned her old, broken, heart said with a real smile, "but as long as you're happy."
"I am," she assured after they parted from their embrace, "I'm going to go work at St. Raphael's and be just like Kikyou-sama, I'm going to help people, change their lives for the better."
"That's a good idea," Suikotsu encouraged before she lifted her hand up to pat her on the shoulder, "but, Kagome, don't be too much like her, alright?"
Translation, don't kill yourself for a patient. "I understand."
"Tell everyone I miss them," he requested, "I will miss you, too, Kagome."
It was half a lie, half the truth—the painful reminder of a love that could never be would be gone, but so would the warm smile that gave him light in the darkness, they both knew that.
"I'm going to start over in Nikko, everything will be good there," she hoped, she prayed, she was fairly sure.
"I have faith in that," the doctor declared, "good bye, Kagome."
"Good bye," she whispered once more.
[…]
It took a week to settle all her matters in Tokyo, to say goodbye to the handsome priest that she had grown so close to and exchange her address, e-mail, and make sure he still had her phone-number so that they could still stay in touch, just as she did with the strong-minded nurse with mahogany eyes. If they were ever in Nikko she made them promises to come see her, and both promised to make the trip--it was only an hour or so bullet-train ride or a few hours normal, after all. Just because they no longer lived in the same city didn't mean that it was good-bye forever.
Not for them, but for a handsome hanyou who had always owned the heart that saved her life, it did.
With a deep breath in she rearranged her purse and switched her luggage from one hand to another, all her other belongings had been shipped back home, where she belonged. She always knew that the big city wasn't for her and her dear old grandpa had raised her, put his own aged heart through so much tragedy and yet put on a strong front to show his little grandbaby that all would be alright, that she was going to be fine. Family was of the utmost importance to her, that's why Nikko was where she belonged. For her grandpa, it wasn't even about returning the favor but showing her undying love for him.
Still, she didn't feel right as she waited for her train to arrive. There was something missing... would she always feel like that? Would that tinge always haunt her? She feared the blunt yes that retorted from her heart--Kikyou's? Or could she now call it hers, since she made good on her promise?
It was theirs.
"Hey," a memorable man greeted along with a grand hand upon her shoulder to catch her attention. She knew it was him before she turned her head to verify that with a smile.
"Hey," she replied, "how did you know...?"
"I got Miroku to tell me," Inuyasha explained as he hand slid away, "I wanted to see you off... I needed to say thank you, I don't think I ever did. I'm still trying to grasp all this, I think I will for a long time but... thank you, still. It's a relief to know the truth, it hurts, but it..." at least he knew he wasn't as sick and fucked up as he always thought, as he was always told.
"You're welcome," she simply smiled all the more, he looked at peace, he sounded as such, and healthy. What more could she ask for? "You helped me just as much, I assure you."
"Good," he grinned before he did the unexpected, he wrapped his arms around her for an embrace, "I'm glad I met you, you stupid stubborn girl."
Her curved lips only grew as she returned the gesture by hugging him, too, "who are you to call stubborn, mister?"
"I guess that's true," he chuckled some as they parted and her trained pulled up, "I suppose, this is goodbye."
"Yeah," she whispered as he walked her up to the train, "goodbye, Inuyasha," she said one last time as she turned to smile at him before she stepped onto the train and found her seat by the window to wave to him, as he did her, as the train filled up and pulled away from the station.
It hurt them both... but it would hurt more to stay together. Both lives had been altered forever, both had touched the other in a way no one else could, both had healed wounds that were thought to be immortal...
That was goodbye, and both could accept it.
A/N: No one probably picked up on this (but if you did, kudos to you, really) but September 26th is World Heart Federation Day. I couldn't help myself, oh; irony is fun to screw around with.
Anyway, thank you all for the wonderful amount of reviews. I really, really do appreciate it. I hope you enjoyed the chapter :)