Severus sat at his desk. His pickled creatures seemed to glow from their glass jars. Severus looked down at the photograph in his hand.

It was Lily and him sitting in the shade of a large oak tree. Lily had her head thrown back in a hearty laugh, her beautiful red hair streaming in the light autumn breeze. She wore a black tank-top with light blue short-shorts. She was leaning back on her arms, her head resting on Severus's shoulder. He had his arms wrapped around her, and he was smiling at her. Every now and then, he would lean down to kiss Lily, and she would kiss him back before pulling back. It was such a sweet moment, and it was one of Severus's favorite.

It was tainted by the fact Lily would break up with him the next day.

A sudden bubble appeared on the photograph. Severus realized with a start that it was a tear. He brushed it away quickly. The people in the photograph smiled up at Severus and waved. He smiled down at them. He brushed his thumb over Lily, and another tear formed on his cheek. There was a knocking at the door. Severus jumped, and quickly shoved the photograph into a drawer. He wiped his tears away with a quick Drying Spell. He strode to the door and opened it with his usual scary aura. He looked down into Lily's eyes. But they were in James's body. Oh, it was that Harry Potter. Severus said,

"What is it Potter?" Harry, being a second year and still slightly scared of Severus Snape, said,

"I found my mother's diary. You were mentioned a lot." Severus felt his face pale. He whispered,

"And?" Harry brought a book out from behind his back. On the black cover was a single image: a lily. Severus wordlessly took it. For a second, it was years and years ago when he handed this book to Lily. He had said,

"Here. For when you need to talk and I'm not there." Severus firmly kept the welling tears in his eyes. Harry pretended not to notice. He smiled slightly,

"Happy Father's Day." Harry turned and left Severus in his doorway. Severus watched him leave. Severus closed the door and walked back to his desk. He flipped through the book until an entry caught his eye,

5-3-1989

I cried some more today. It really hurt when I turned my back. It's been a full week now since he became unforgivable, and the whole Severus left in me still feels as raw as when it first still hurt. If anything, it hurts more. Maybe it actually did leave a hole in my heart, and now it's festering. God, it hurts so much. And I never got to tell Severus. If I told him now, he'd reject me. Not only has he had sex with one of what I am, but he now has created a child with one too. And I can't bring that kind of pain to me or my baby. My little baby will grow up without a father. Still, I still haven't decided if it will grow up at all. Should I even keep the baby? I'm only sixteen. I'm not ready for this. No one knows. I wouldn't get in trouble with anyone. No one would even have to know. But I don't think I could do it. Severus is still one of my oldest friends. And if he chooses to go with his Death Eater friends over me, I want to at least be able to hold onto a small piece of him. I'll be leaving school before I start to show. I can think it over during the summer. Well, I have to go now. The Marauders are coming. God, on top of all this I still have to deal with the Toerags. Bye for now.

Severus gently closed the book, placed it to the side, put his head in his hands, and cried. He wept until there was no more water left in him to spare for tears. With a gentle hesitancy, he opened the book up to that page. The next entry was 3 days later.

5-6-1989

I decided that I want to keep the baby. Before, I wasn't totally sure. But I think I should keep it. If I kill something so small and helpless, what kind of person does that make me? A cruel, cold, heartless killer. Almost as bad as You-Know-Who. No, I have to keep this baby.

The entry was short, but it still made Severus smile. Lily had chosen to have his kid. Such a sweet revelation. She had loved him enough to wait and bear his child. But she hadn't loved him enough to stay. To wait for him to get over the Death Eaters. That hurt almost as much as his hope. No, the hope hurt worse. Severus knew how this story ended. Lily must have had second thoughts, and decided to get rid of it.

More entries followed detailing much of her day to day life. Severus read and read, with occasional mentions of his child. One entry was very short. It must have been rushed, since the handwriting was nearly illegible.

7-19-1989

It's a girl!

More entries followed, the baby becoming a more and more prominent figure in Lily's entries. Then, something stopped Severus in his tracks. He had been waiting for when Lily killed his baby girl. What he read made Severus throw his head to the desk and weep.

8-31-1989

I lost Kayla. I'm afraid that if I write down my thoughts, I will realize that suicide is the best optional and go through with my thoughts. I don't know how many times I sat in the kitchen, eyeing the knives. How easy it would have been to rush for one during supper, and just slit my throat. My parents might have been a little upset. But they don't even know that for 4 months 18 days they were grandparents. I told them that I had had a secret romance with Severus. Which was partially true. That's why I was so happy. When I lost Kayla, I told them that we had broken up via owl post. They just nodded and left me alone. If I died on the floor in pools of my blood, Petunia would just complain about the mess. I know where my dad keeps the guns and the ammunition. Knives, guns. So easily reached. But the easiest of all would be to overdose. Mom keeps so much Tylenol in the house I could easily swallow an entire bottle and it would go unmissed. I only wrote because when I talked to my therapist, he thought it might be therapeutic for me to write something for Kayla. I don't know what. Maybe just writing about my memories about her will work. So, here's the list:

4-6-1989: Conception (something I don't and never will regret)

4-29-1989: Discovery

5-3-1989: Fall-out with Kayla's father

8-31-1989: Lost Kayla

I know there were lots of things in between those, but I can't write about that right now. Maybe later. Just, not now. It hurts too much to even stare at the sonogram picture on my wall. The baby is still moving on there. It's silly, really. When I see her moving on there, I always put my hand to my stomach, half expecting to still feel her feeble kicks there. And every time I don't, it hurts all over again. Maybe if Severus had been here for me, Kayla would have turned out differently. Maybe if I hadn't walked away that day, we would still have each other, and we would still have Kayla. But I know it wouldn't make any difference. Losing Kayla was entirely my fault.

I wasn't worthy to have such a beautiful baby. I wasn't ready. God knew that I wanted her, but He also knew and still knows something I didn't until now: Just how careless I am with people. Severus went away because of me. Petunia left because I rubbed it in that I'm a witch and she isn't. And I know that sooner or later, I'll overstep some line between Remus and mine friendship, and I'll lose that too. I'm not good at relationships. God knew that, and before I got even more attached to Kayla, He took here away. In a strange sort of way, He was doing me a favor. He wanted to save me from the pain that would come if I kept her, and then I drove her away. He saved me from the pain of when I pushed her too far. But I can only wonder if it would hurt more to have had her and then lost her or if it is worse that I lost her before I even had a chance to hurt her.

I wonder if it hurt Kayla to die. Maybe her heart just stopped, and she didn't feel anything. Or maybe my selfish body has been stealing her nutrients, and she slowly starved to death. Not only did I kill my baby, but I hurt her on her way out of this world. I truly am a despicable person. No wonder I am not good at loving people. I'm so truly and utterly hateful I'm surprised I have ever been able to see myself in a mirror. I really should be going. I think Mom is coming to wake me up. It's 6 in the morning. I go back to Hogwarts today. I don't know how I am going to do this. I really have to go. The last thing I need her to know is that I killed her granddaughter.

Severus wept and wept. He cried for all the things that could have been between him and Lily if he hadn't called her such a loathsome name. It hurt him, thinking that for a period of time, however short, he had been a father. He had been a father for 4 months and 18 days. And he hadn't even known it. The one and only love of his life had been pregnant with his child, and in his stupidity he had killed Kayla.

Kayla. She would have been such a wonderful woman. He could almost see her. She would have had Lily's eyes, and his dark hair. She would have been tall, having gotten that from both her parents. She would have been so smart. Smart, cunning, and she would have had a grasp on sarcasm anyone would envy. She would have been such an enchanting woman. A beautiful child, a snarky teenager, and a woman anyone would envy. But that was lost. Through just one word, he had nailed the coffin over his daughter. But Lily—sweet, innocent, wondrous Lily—had thought it her fault that Kayla had died.

Severus felt a soft hand on his shoulder. Without turning, he knew it to be the hand of his long-departed love. He heard her whisper in his ear,

"Sev, it wasn't your fault. It wasn't my fault. It was just something that happened that I dealt with." Severus placed his hand over hers and whispered to the air in front of him,

"But you shouldn't have had to go through that alone." He felt Lily kiss his hair and she said,

"I did alright. But Kayla's up here, Sev. She's grown up into such a fine young woman. You'd love her. She's so much like you that sometimes I think she's all you. But then I remember that it doesn't quite work that way." As a tear slipped down his face again, Severus laughed. It felt comfortable to be in their friendly conversation. Like nothing had ever changed that day in May. And Severus thought that, deep deep deep down, nothing really had. After it, he had still loved her and she had still loved him. And they had both loved Kayla. And they both still do.

(A/N: What do you think? I think I actually cried a little bit when I wrote this. Please tell me what you think. Flames welcome here and on any of my stories. Should I write for more holidays? And thanks to xxxSora-chan for the idea. Cookies to you all!)