Chapter 14 Memorial
A month later
"And you said that he might need you where he is now? Am I right?" Shae just shrugged and the therapist leaned forward. "Isn't that what you told your brother?"
"I don't remember."
"Shae, this isn't going to work unless you talk to me. I can't help you if you keep what you're feeling inside."
"I never asked for you help or anyones elses help." She told him as she sat back and crossed her arms. The shirnk, Dr. Krassner, inhaled and nodded.
"Alright then. We still have a half hour. You can talk about anything you want to talk about."
"I don't want to talk about anything. I don't want to be here and I don't give a shit if you, my parents, the president, or even the man in the moon thinks I'm crazy or whatever!" She shouted as she threw her arms in the air. "I don't need to be here. I'm fine."
"Then tell me how many times you tried to kill youself?" She glanced up at him. "Well? You're the only that said you don't need help so tell me how many times."
"Lost count. Can I go now?" He shook his head. "Damn it. I don't need this."
"Your family thinks you do and you must thing you need some kind of help or else you wouldn't be here."
"Really? You want to know the real reason I'm here?" The doctor nodded and she got up and walked over to the door and threw it open. "SAM!" The next thing the doctor knew, Sam was standing in the doorway.
"What?" He asked as he looked from his sister to the doctor.
"That is the reason I'm here." She said as she pointed to her brother. Poor Sam was just lost. "Is he wasn't a better nagger than my mother and my husband, then I wouldn't be here to begin with."
"Sam, why don't you come in and join us? Maybe it'll make her more comfortable and get her to open up a bit." Sam nodded and Shae rolled her eyes. "Now sit down Shae. If you won't listen to me, then maybe you'll listen to your brother." She huffed a bit before shuffling over to the chair and sitting down next to Sam. "Thank you. Now, Sam, why don't you tell her how her trying to kill herself is making you feel."
"Are you sure that's such a good idea?" Sam asked. The doctor smiled and nodded. "I don't think it is."
"Why not Sam?"
"I just don't think it'll help. Nothing more than that."
"Well." Shae said as she got up. "Since you two hit it off so well, I'm just going to let you talk and get to know each other better." She said as she made her way to the door.
"I don't think so." The doctor said as he pulled her back to her chair. "You're going to sit there and listen to what he has to say. It's the least you can do."
"Man I hate this." Sam just smirked and shook his head. "This isn't funny. You try sitting here and telling someone you don't even know how you feel about your little brother dying in the back seat of the car your other little brother is driving! Then waking up to try to wake him up and find that he already died when he just told you not to long ago that he was going to go ahead and try the thing that might of gave him more time! But no! He just had to go and wait so long! I just had to go and wait so long to talk to him about how much it ment to not just me, but you, mom, and dad to! If I never waited so long, he might still be here! But instead, he's lying six feet under ground being eatin by worms and other creepy crawlies!" She screamed before sitting down. Sam and the doctor were just looking at her in shock.
"So that's it." She lifted her he and looked at the doctor. "You're feeling guilty about not talking to him."
"Wouldn't you?" He nodded.
"Is that why you think it should of been you instead of him?" She shrugged. "Shae. you're doing fine. You're opening up and you're doing it not even meaning to."
"If I just had said something sooner. Not gone on a stupid road trip. If I just just taken the time to talk to him about how much I love him and how much he means to me, he would of went through with it sooner and got more time, but I had to just go and fuck it up like I do everything else!" Sam moved his chair closer and placed a hand on her shoulder. "I told you it was my fault Sam. I told you and look, it's fricken true!"
"It's not true Shae. You know how Dean was. You knew how stubbern he could be and there was no guarentee that he would of gone through with it." Sam whispered in her ear so only she could hear it.
"No. I know him. He would of done it if he knew it ment so much to us. He would of, but I waited so long. I just said something to late."
"Shae, do you honestly think that we blame you for his death?" She shrugged. "Cause we don't. You're just one person. You're human just like the rest of us and you had no idea that he had what he had and that he was going to die. You didn't know and you couldn't of stopped it."
"But I could of tried." She told him as she cried again. Sam glanced up at the doctor before wraping his arms around her. "I could of tried."
"I know, but it's still not your fault. I could of talked to him. Mom and dad could of to, but none of us did. Not just you."
"I took this." She mumbled as she lifted a necklace to show them. Sam looked at it and then at her. "Wanted it." She told him as she put it on.
"And what is that?" Shae glanced over at the doctor as she played with the necklace.
"I gave it to him for his sixteenth birthday. He never took it off and I didn't want to bury it with him. I needed some part of him to still be with me."
"Thats not a bad thing Shae, but you have to remember that he IS still with you. He always will be."
"Please don't go into that whole thing right now." She mumbled as she tucked the necklace into her shirt. "Really don't wanna hear it now." The doctor nodded and wrote some things down in his tablet. "What did you just write?"
"Nothing important. Just writing that you're making progress." She nodded and glanced up at Sam, who just smiled. "Now, do you believe that he's in heaven?" She smiled and shook her head. "You don't?"
"No. Why would I?"
"You must believe that he's in a better place now." She rolled her eyes and glared at him. "So then where do you think he is?"
"Not in heaven. Can't be in a place that doesn't exsist." She answered with a shrug. Sam just rolled his eyes.
"Doctor, can you just not go there?" He asked as he looked over at him.
"If you don't belive that he's in heaven, where do you think he is?"
"A giant swimming pool full of pudding. Hell, I don't know! Anywhere for all we know."
"You don't believe in god?" 'Oh great.' Sam thought as he looked at Shae move in her chair. "Shae, do you believe in god or no?"
"No. If there was such a god, then he never would of taken him away to begin with! He never would of made something like cancer to tear apart families! He never would of taken my little brother before me! There is no god and anyone that believes that load of horse shit can rot for all I care!" She screamed as she stood up.
"Shae, calm down." Sam whispered as he stood next to her.
"Don't you think he's in a better place where he feels no pain?" Both Sam and Shae turned and looked at the doctor.
"Yes. He's someplace where he feels nothing while we just sit here and feel the constant pain of losing him! Does that seem fair to you doc!?" She yelled as she walked over to him. "Do not sit there and tell me that he's in a better place! He should be here! Not someplace in someones imagination!" She told him before walking to the door. "And I'm done with this shit!" She said as she left and slammed the door. Sam just took a deep breath and turned to the doctor.
"Should of warned you not to get into the god issue."
"Would of been nice to know before hand." Sam just nodded. "She is making some progress though. Not much, but with time, she should be back to normal. I do want to keep seeing her to."
"I'm not sure if she's really going to go for that right now." The doctor nodded and wrote something on a card.
"Here's my home number." He said as he handed the card to Sam. "To be honest, I have never seen anyone go through what she's going though right now."
"I thought you delt with this kind of thing all the time?" He nodded. "So what makes her so different?"
"Well, she seems to be taking your brothers death harder than anyone I have ever seen and I've seen young mothers lose children before. It's like something snapped inside her head and without help, I don't know how much longer she's going to last. Were her and Dean close?"
"You have no idea." Sam answered with a smile.
"Thought so. That's why she's having such a hard time dealing with his death. I'm not saying that if they weren't close it'll be easy for her, but since they were as close as you say, it's going to take more time for her to heal. Just be there for her and call me if she shows any sighs of attempted suicide attempts."
"I will."
"Day or night Sam. I don't want to come in here at any time and hear that she succeeded." Sam nodded and thanked him before leaving the office. "SAM!" He stopped and turned around. "Here." The doctor said as he handed Sam another card. "That is a assoiate of mine. I think that if she can't open up to me, she might be able to talk to her."
"Thanks. I'll let her know." He nodded and shook Sam's hand before going back into his office. Sam ran a hand through his hair before leaving the building. He looked up and saw Shae sitting in the impala, staring off into space. "Great." He mumbled as he walked over and tapped on the window. She glanced over at him and rolled down the window. "You alright?"
"Fine and dandy. Was going to leave but remembered I'm your ride home." He smiled and got into the car. "Took you long enough in there."
"Yeah well. He gave me his home number just in case."
"In case of what?" She asked as she pulled onto the street. "I got all crazy and take my family out before killing myself?" Sam glanced over at her with a worried expression on his face.
"You're not really planning on doing that, are you?"
"No Sam, I'm not going to kill you. I like you to much." Sam nodded and let out a relieved breath. "You really thought I would do something like that?"
"Well, the way you're acting right now, lets just say that it wouldn't shock me." She smiled and nodded. "He also gave me the number of someone else you might feel more comfortable talking to."
"How about I just talk to my family instead of some stranger?"
"And you're really going to talk to us?" She shrugged. "That's what I thought. You might want to give it a shot."
"If it would ease that big mind of yours, I'll think about it, but I make no guarentees."
"Good enough for me." She nodded and continued driving. Sam looked around and realized that they were going to wrong way. "Uh, home is that way."
"I know and we're not going home right now." She told him without looking at him. Sam gave her a confused look. "Look in the glove box." He kept looking at her for a few more seconds before opening it. "I found that last night while I was sitting in here." Sam pulled out the envelope and looked at it. "I'm guessing he wrote it when he realized he was really going to die."
"You read it?" She shook her head. "Why not?"
"Couldn't. Kinda felt like I was invading his privacy or something."
"He's gone Shae. He doesn't have privacy anymore." She just nodded. "Sorry."
"Not a problem. If you want to read it, go for it." He nodded before looking at the envelope again and shoved it back into the glove compartment. "Not going to read it?"
"Not yet. Maybe when I'm ready." She nodded and kept driving. "You never said where you were going."
"I know and you'll see when we get there." Sam nodded and the two drove in silence for the next few miles. Not even the radio was on. Sam ended up falling asleep and Shae smiled when she looked over at him. At least she still had him here. A few minutes later, she pulled into a parking lot and shut the car off before waking her brother. "Sammy, time to get up." She said as she shook him. His eyes slowly opened and he looked at her. "We're here."
"And here would be?" He asked as he looked around. "Uh, why are we here?" He asked once he saw the sign.
"Thought I would do something else to remember him. Other than trying to kill myself." She answered as she got out of the car. Sam nodded and got out as well. "Just wanted you to be here when I do it."
"Why?"
"Personal reasons. You going to come in with me or not?" Sam smiled and nodded before they walked over to the tattoo parlor. A man that looked to be in his early thirties was sitting behind the counter when they walked in.
"Can I help you two?" He asked as he looked up from the paper he was reading. Sam just shook his head when he saw the mans face was covered in piercings.
"Yeah. I wanted to get a tattoo." Shae told him with a smile. The man nodded and put the paper down.
"Sure thing. What are you looking to get?" She reached into her pocket and pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to him. "I see. You know this is going to be painful." He said as he looked at her.
"I know and I don't really care. You can do that right?"
"Sure can. Come with me." She nodded as he went into the back room. She glanced over at Sam and the two followed him in. "Where would you like it?"
"My back. Thought that was the best place." He nodded and pointed to the table.
"Take your shirt off and lay on that. Just call me when you're ready." She nodded and he left, closing a curtain.
"You're getting a tattoo on your back?" Sam asked as he turned around so she could take her shirt and bra off.
"Yeah. I never showed you the picture, did I?" He shook his head. "Maybe I should of, but I guess you'll be seeing it soon anyways and you can turn around now." Sam turned around and she was lying on the table. "READY!" The man came back in with a copy of the picture. "Can you do it all in one shot?"
"Sure can, but if the pain gets to be to much, let me know and we can take a break." She nodded and he put the stencel on her back. Sam looked at it and smiled as he read what it said. "So who is he?" The tattoo artist asked as he got a needle ready.
"Little brother. Died of cancer not to long ago."
"I get a lot of people doing this for that reason. It's a great way to remember a loved one." He said as he got ready. "I'm going to start now."
"Fine with me." He nodded and started the tattoo. Sam held her hand most of the time, but the artist did finish it in one sitting. Took four hours, but he got it done. "Finished. There's a mirror there if you want to see it." She got up and held her shirt over her chest before walking over to the mirror. Sam just looked at her back and smiled. "Well?"
"It's perfect. I love it!" She told him with a smile as she looked at it from every angle. "You did a awesome job!"
"Thanks. Always glad to help someone remember someone they lost."
"And boy did you." Sam said as he took a closer look at it. "My god. It looks just like him. Kinda wish I had the balls to go through with it." Shae just smiled and kept looking at it. "How do you do that? I mean, he looks just like the picture." He asked as he turned to the man.
"I've been doing this for a long time. It's not that hard with a whole lot of practice." Sam nodded. "If you don't mind, I would like to take a picture of it."
"Go for it." He nodded and left the room. "You know Sammy, I have a smaller version if you want one." She told him with a smile.
"No thanks. That looked way to painful for me to go through with."
"Baby."
"Freak." She laughed and the man came back in. She turned around and he snapped a few pictures of it. Man had to. Thing covered most of her back. "I still can't believe how awesome it looks." Shae smiled when she thought of the time she took drawing it. It was Dean, standing in front of the impala, wearing his leather jacket and the necklace he never took off. Thing took her forever to draw cause she wanted it to be perfect. Above the car it said, 'In loving memory' and had his name and the date he died underneath it. "Wow."
"Now you're going to need to keep that covered and moist till it heals. At least a few weeks." He told her as she paid for it. "Here, put this one twice a day and right after you shower." He said handing her a tube of cream. "That will help it not to get infected." She nodded and took it. "I'm sorry for you loss."
"Thanks, but I think I'm starting to heal now." The man smiled and nodded. "Thanks again." He waved as the two left. Sam got in and he drive all the way home as Shae slept. Boy was Nick just going to love that.
A/N Not exactly what I was planning, but I believe that getting a memorial tattoo of a loved one you lost is one of the best things you can do to remember that person. Also, I know I said some anti-religon stuff in this chapter and I didn't mean to insult anyones beliefs. I am a believer in god, but I thought that would be better if Shae didn't believe. So please, don't get insulted by what I said in this chapter. Please review!