Hope you all enjoyed my first Arrancar tale. ;)
So here is my first Soul Reaper-centered story, featuring none other than the irresistible Kuchiki Byakuya and his lovable Lieutenant, Abarai Renji. Compared to the last one, it is a bit dull, but I hope you like it, and please do leave a review at the end! XD
Tales of the Soul Reapers: One
Summary: Renji thinks his Captain is too uptight, and how better to cheer him up than find him a girl? Thus, he and an unexpected helper set out to play matchmaker for the seemingly cold-hearted Kuchiki.
Main cast: Byakuya, Renji, Yoruichi.
Pairings: Byakuya/?
Overall warnings: Byakuya. Renji. Yoruichi. Alone. Discussing romance. Need I say more?
Love Hurts
Abarai Renji had a problem.
One tall, dark, and handsome problem.
One tall, dark, handsome, insufferably brooding problem.
One tall, dark, handsome, insufferably brooding problem he would have to take care of very, very soon, before it drove him completely insane. And he meant that with the utmost respect.
"Captains," he muttered darkly, and stabbed his chopsticks viciously into his bowl of rice. "Nobles. Can't live with them, can't stick your Zanpakutou in them."
"What's that, Renji?"
Renji jumped. Lost in his moody contemplations, he had forgotten he was not alone in the room. From across the table, exotic golden eyes observed him questioningly, with the vaguest hint of what might have been either exasperation or amusement.
"Nothing, nothing," Renji said hastily. In an admittedly hopeless endeavor to obviate further interrogation, he proceeded to stuff himself with every morsel of food in reach.
Shihoin Yoruichi raised an eyebrow. After all the years she had tried to prevent Urahara Kisuke from leaving everything he touched in total irrevocable ruin and the rather stressful time she had spent dealing with the equally awkward and clueless Kurosaki Ichigo, she had become more or less accustomed to such hapless behavior. It struck her, as it often did, how eerily alike Renji, Ichigo, and Urahara were. She sometimes wondered if they were not long lost siblings, or if Kisuke had had one too many wild nights about the Seireitei and Karakura Town…
She severed that thought before it had a chance to finish. The last thing she needed was to discover her best friend had two illegitimate sons running around. Renji and Ichigo were certain to murder the Soul Reaper turned shopkeeper without pause, and she was unsure she would have been inclined to stop them.
"Talking to yourself, Renji?" she inquired pleasantly, after she had given him a moment to choke on the copious amounts of food he was shoving down his throat. "Am I such dull company you must resort to having conversations with yourself?"
Renji did not reply. He had drifted off into his own head again, his gaze fixed on the table, a faint troubled crease in his brow. Not one to be ignored, Yoruichi leaned over and snapped her fingers loudly right in front of the auburn-haired Lieutenant's nose. Renji blinked back into awareness, but before he did, she distinctly heard him murmur, "…Captain Kuchiki."
"What about Byakuya?"
"Huh? Wha—?"
"Byakuya," Yoruichi repeated patiently. "You said something about Byakuya." She paused, and then said slyly, "Daydreaming about your Captain, Renji?"
Renji's face went red. "Wha—? What are you talking about?"
"My, my," Yoruichi purred. "This is interesting…not that I blame you, of course. He really does make that haori look good, doesn't he? I wouldn't mind getting him out of it myself…"
Renji's blush deepened. "Wha—? No way! You pervert! That's not…that's not what I was thinking! I would never…I mean, he'd kill me…I wouldn't…"
Yoruichi grinned. "All right, all right. Let's say I believe you. What were you thinking?"
"Well…" Renji hesitated. "I'm…worried. Just a little."
Yoruichi sat up, her head tilted slightly to the side. "Why?"
Renji sighed. "The Captain. He's always so…withdrawn. I can't really say he's sad, because I can never tell what he feels. He's just…he's so…"
"Emotionless," Yoruichi finished for him, with a small, knowing smile.
"Distant," Renji said gloomily. "Like half the time he's not even there. I want him to acknowledge me somehow, with respect, pride, anger, affection. Hell, even hate. Anything. But no matter what I do, I can't seem to get him to show any emotion. Sure, when I've fought him, I thought I caught brief glimpses of something like genuine feeling, but off the battlefield he's always so...cold." He shifted a little. "I just realized I've never seen him smile. Rukia hasn't, either, I don't think. I would like to see it. Just once. It'd be a nice change." He rested his chin on his arms, crossed on the periphery of the table.
Yoruichi appraised the young man thoughtfully. "You care about him, don't you?"
Renji started. He looked honestly stunned for a moment, and then color seeped into his cheeks again. "I didn't…I don't…he's my Captain! I have to work with him! You try it sometime!"
"I have," Yoruichi said. "I trained him, at least partially."
"You have my sympathy," Renji mumbled.
"Oh, he was a lot different back then." Yoruichi lifted her gaze reminiscently to the ceiling. "He was a bit like you, actually. Impulsive, rude, too arrogant for his own good…and so cute it hurt." She sighed wistfully. "I miss the ponytail. It's impossible to steal those hair curlers of his without him noticing…"
"Kenseikan," Renji corrected automatically. "They're called kenseikan."
"Whatever."
Renji paused, and then seemed to register the rest of what she had said. "Hey, wait! Did you just call me impulsive, rude, and too arrogant for my own good?"
Yoruichi fiddled absently with her chopsticks. "Did I mention I love the tattoos? I always thought Byakuya should get one. I told him he should get it right on his—"
"Yeah, OK," Renji interrupted. His complexion was now as red as his hair. "I think I get the point."
"Hm." Yoruichi picked up the remains of her roasted fish and tossed it deftly into her mouth. "Anyway, as I was saying, he was a lot more lively back then. It was only after his wife died he really became—"
She stopped. So did Renji. They stared at each other, eyes wide. Abruptly, they both leapt to their feet, consequently knocking their trays over, though neither noticed.
"That's it!" the two cried in unison.
…
Kuchiki Byakuya stifled a yawn as he sifted through the mountains of paperwork laid out across his desk. He had put off this dull mandatory labor for as long as he could, but eventually he had been simply unable to ignore the ever-accumulating stacks of unfiled reports, and now he faced the consequences of his procrastination. The day was warm and beautiful, but he was trapped inside this stuffy office, held prisoner by the masses of neglected work. He would have continued to act like it did not exist for his own benefit, but Yamamoto had become increasingly impatient with Soul Reapers—particularly Captains—who did not fulfill their duties in a timely fashion. Byakuya frequently wondered if the old man had always been so grumpy and belligerent, or if his age had eroded whatever affability he might once have possessed. The young leader of Squad Six strongly suspected the former, although neither Ukitake Jushiro nor Kyoraku Shunsui, who knew the Head Captain best, would comment on the matter. The most Byakuya had managed to get out of them was a cryptic remark from Shunsui: "In life, things get stuck up there, kiddo. Sometimes, they're just too big to remove…"
Byakuya had not asked for clarification.
"I have to remember to make Renji do this," he murmured to himself. Then again, his Lieutenant had a curious tendency to be absent whenever such orders might be given. There were times when Byakuya pondered the prospect his often abrasive, occasionally affectionate in that peculiar tentative manner of his, subordinate might not be telepathic.
If only Byakuya had been psychic, he might have foreseen what was to happen next, and therefore avoided it. As it was, he had no idea his aforementioned Lieutenant and former teacher-rival lingered at the door to his office, watching him and debating.
"Uh…are you sure about this, Yoruichi?" Renji muttered.
"This was your idea, Abarai," Yoruichi pointed out.
"What? This was your idea!"
Yoruichi made an annoyed gesture. "It was both our ideas. Who cares? I'm not backing down. You know he'll never do this for himself, so it's our duty to do it for him!"
"Whoever said that?"
"We're his friends!" Yoruichi whispered furiously. "And he needs our help! We can't just ignore that! Besides, you said yourself you have to work with him…"
"All right, all right!" Renji threw up his hands in surrender. "I get it. Let's just go, then…" He dropped his voice to near inaudibility. "But if we die here, I'm haunting your ghost."
"Meh, my ghost would kick your ghost's tattooed ass." An impish, almost cruel glint came to her eyes, and she cracked her knuckles menacingly. "If we die here, I'll finally be able to tell that Hisana exactly what I think about her marrying my Byakuya…"
Renji sweatdropped. "You know, he might have married you if you hadn't run off with some pimp in a hat."
Yoruichi looked scandalized. "I did not—how could you even suggest—he didn't even have the hat back then!"
Renji rolled his eyes, but said no more. He peered in on his Captain again. For a moment he only stood there, then he took a deep breath, gathered what courage he had, and strolled right into the room as if this were not willful suicide. Yoruichi followed close behind.
"Hello, Captain," Renji hailed in the cheeriest tone he could muster. The result was a high, cracked, rather creepy singsong which did nothing to conceal his anxiety.
Byakuya glanced up. He offered the younger man a brisk nod in acknowledgement and returned his attention to the papers.
Renji hovered awkwardly before the desk. His expression shifted from nervous to determined to downright terrified and back to nervous again. Yoruichi looked at him expectantly, her arms crossed, tapping her foot impatiently.
As last, after several extended moments, Byakuya resignedly lifted his gaze to his Lieutenant. "Renji, is there something you wanted?"
Renji tensed like a rabbit which realizes it has fallen into the sights of the wolf. "Uh…well…"
Byakuya rested his chin in his palm and regarded the flustered redhead with a raised eyebrow. "Renji, I'm busy. Spit it out or leave."
Renji placed a hand over his mouth, bemused. "Huh? Spit out what?"
Yoruichi elbowed him. "He didn't mean it literally, you idiot. He meant say what you're here to say."
"Or leave," Byakuya added.
"Or you can leave," Yoruichi agreed.
"You, too, Yoruichi," Byakuya said.
"Me, too," Yoruichi echoed. She paused. "Hey!" She rounded on him immediately, indignant. "You can't just throw me out!"
"It is my office," Byakuya said coolly.
"I don't care if you built it, bought it, sold it, and bought it again! Twice! You cannot just dismiss a lady like that! It's improper! It's unseemly! It's…un-noble-like!"
"Well," Byakuya said, "when I meet a lady, I will be sure to remember that."
For an instant, it looked as though Yoruichi would pounce on the dark-haired man and strangle him, but she only huffed and turned petulantly away. "Fine! See if I ever fight with your wife over you when I'm dead!"
Byakuya decided it would ultimately be better not to inquire as to the meaning of this last inexplicable statement. Instead, he averted his focus back to his Lieutenant.
Renji cleared his throat. "Captain…I've been thinking…"
"For a change," Byakuya interjected. Renji glared, but chose to let the comment pass.
"And Yoruichi and I have agreed—"
Before he could continue, however, Yoruichi, apparently over her righteous fury Byakuya would treat her with such blatant disrespect, leapt catlike onto the desk and landed almost in the elder Kuchiki's lap. Byakuya blinked, too startled to react. Yoruichi leaned in uncomfortably close —at least as far as Byakuya was concerned—full lips curved in a devious, seductive smile he remembered all too well from his childhood.
"Have you seen that Matsumodo Rangiku lately?" she purred. "If I may be so bold as to say so, that woman is hot!"
Total silence greeted this. Byakuya, who looked ever so slightly disturbed, pushed his chair back to place some much needed distance between himself and Yoruichi. "Happy as I am to hear you have finally decided to come out of the closet, Yoruichi, if you could take your revelations somewhere else…"
"No, no!" Yoruichi cried impatiently. "This isn't about me, this is about you." She jabbed a finger at him.
Byakuya stared blankly. "Weren't you just talking about Hitsugaya's Lieutenant?"
Yoruichi faltered. "Well…yes…but…oh, will you pay attention!" Once again, much to the chagrin of the Squad Six Captain, she leaned in so their noses nearly touched. "Renji and I came here to tell you what you should have realized the instant that bit…er, woman you married died. You. Need. A. Girlfriend." She accentuated each word with a fierce poke to his chest.
Byakuya did not respond for several seconds.
"…Huh?"
Yoruichi smacked her palm to her brow. She wheeled around and bounded off the table to resume her original place by Renji. Byakuya appeared immensely relieved she was no longer invading his personal space. The older woman pivoted, hands on her hips, and glared intensely at the grey-eyed Soul Reaper.
"You listen to me, Kuchiki. I know it must have been difficult to lose someone you cared for like that. I realize what a scar it leaves, but for the sake of all things good, that was sixty years—"
"Fifty," Renji corrected.
"Fifty years ago! You can't sit around and mope forever! It's time you found someone, moved on with your life! True strength is getting back up again after you've fallen. None of us want to see you lock yourself away forever. I know you're not as cold as you try to act. Somewhere in there, you still have a good heart. You're gorgeous, rich, famous, strong, kind and generous when you're not being a total asshole. You could have any woman you want, so don't dwell on the only one you can't have! You deserve better than this, Byakuya. You don't have to be lonely. Let us help you. If you try, I know you will find the right one for you." As she said this, she continuously not-so-subtly pointed and gestured at herself. She might as well have donned a neon sign which proclaimed 'Look Here' and 'the Right One.'
Byakuya, however, had immersed himself once more into his paperwork, and had obviously not paid attention to a word of this speech. Yoruichi and Renji looked meaningfully at him, but he offered no reply. His visage had become inscrutable once more, detached, without emotion.
Yoruichi placed her hands on the desk and bent closer. Her smirk had reappeared. "So…what do you think of her?"
"…Who?"
"Rangiku! You know, long, lush orange hair, sultry lips, a bust to die for…"
After that, Byakuya tuned her out. The last thing he wanted was to discuss female endowments with this woman. "Hm," he said indifferently. "Sure. Right."
Yoruichi frowned and looked at Renji. The auburn-haired Lieutenant mused a moment, and then approached the desk. "Rangiku is a bit ditzy, though," he conceded. "Not so much your type. So what about Isane? I think I've seen her eyeing you a couple times, Captain...I'd say she's interested in you as more than just a comrade, if you know what I mean…" He winked.
"Hm. Sure. Right."
Yoruichi hesitated. "Nah, not Isane," she said. "Too man-like. Oh!" Her eyes lit up. "Now, what about Captain Unohana, eh? Now she's quite the looker, and she's older, so she's far more mature than either Rangiku or Isane. She's tough, too. Any woman who can have Ukitake and Shunsui wrapped around her little finger has to be badass."
Byakuya did not glance up. "Hm. Sure. Right."
"But aren't she and Ukitake together?" Renji said uncertainly.
Yoruichi's enthusiasm faded. "Oh, yeah, forgot about that…"
"What about Nanao, then?" Renji suggested. "Smart, pretty, and she has that serious attitude, just like you, Captain. I bet you would make a great couple!"
"Hm," Byakuya said as he signed what seemed like the millionth document and placed it in the growing pile beside him. "Sure. Right."
"They would," Yoruichi assented, "but Shunsui would tear his head off."
"Really?" Renji enquired, a little alarmed.
"Yeah. He doesn't like anyone sleeping with his Lieutenant."
"He…he doesn't?"
"Nope. If you ever want to see Kyoraku turn into a homicidal maniac, that's all you have to do…Renji, why are you so pale?"
"Oh, uh, it's nothing…nothing at all…" Yet he looked distinctly ill.
"Well, anyway…" Yoruichi averted her attention to Byakuya again. "There's always that Lieutenant of Squad Twelve…what's her name? Oh, yes, Nemu. Talk about hot."
"Hm. Sure. Right."
Renji, still struggling to recover from his most recent shock, looked over his shoulder. "I would agree with you," he said, "but…she also happens to be a robot."
Yoruichi appeared unsure how to react to this information. "Uh…she is?"
Renji nodded soberly. "Captain Kurotsuchi created her."
"Oh…" Suddenly, she brightened. "Well, why not? All the better! I mean, who hasn't fantasized about cyborgs?"
Renji's initial response was surprised disgust, but then, gradually, his expression became thoughtful. "You have a point," he admitted. His brow furrowed. "But…her body also happens to be loaded with poisons."
Yoruichi blinked. "What?"
"Yeah." Renji shuddered. "One touch and you'd end up hallucinating, having seizures, foaming at the mouth, and you'll destroy everything around you until you die a slow, horrible, unimaginably agonizing death!"
Silence.
"Oh," Yoruichi said in a very small voice. "Well, then…forget about that. Let us move on."
"Agreed," Renji said.
Meanwhile, Byakuya belatedly realized he had signed each of the documents on the wrong line. Mentally berating himself for his lack of attentiveness in his work—prosaic and useless as it might have been, in his not-so-humble opinion—he picked up the enormous stack of papers and replaced them on the 'unfinished' side of his desk. With a resigned sigh, he resumed the monotonous, torporific process.
"There's always Momo," Renji said, although he did not sound particularly enthusiastic. "She's not so bad, really…I considered asking her out, but then we met Captain Aizen and she got all weird and obsessed…"
"Hm," Byakuya said wisely. "Sure. Right."
"She's still obsessed," Yoruichi pointed out. "And besides, Hitsugaya would not like that much…"
"Hitsugaya can kiss my ass," Renji muttered. Yoruichi raised an inquisitive eyebrow, but Renji did not offer clarification, and she elected not to request it.
"What about Kiyone?"
"Who?"
Yoruichi gave the younger man a half-exasperated, half-amused look. "Kiyone. The female half of the Third Seat of Rukia's squad."
Renji still appeared confused. "Third Seat of Rukia's squad…" Recognition dawned. "Oh! You mean the blonde one?"
"Yes, that one."
"Oh, all right…" Renji frowned abruptly. "Wait a minute…that's a girl?"
"Yes, Renji, that is a girl. Once again, you dazzle with your exceptional powers of observation."
Renji drew himself up proudly. "Well, thank you, Yoruichi. I do not like to brag, but…"
Yoruichi sweatdropped. "Anyway…"
Renji's demeanor turned businesslike again. "I have to disagree with you once more, Yoruichi. Kiyone just won't work."
"Why not? She really isn't a bad person…a bit shy when it comes to anyone beside her partner with the bad haircut there, but otherwise…"
"Hm," Byakuya voiced his assent. "Sure. Right."
Renji shook his head regretfully. "He…er…she is far too in love with Captain Ukitake. I don't even think he, er, she realizes anyone else exists."
Yoruichi paused. "Good point."
Byakuya blinked. Wait, there was something wrong here. It had been nagging at him for the last ten minutes; he felt he should have noticed it before. He studied the form in front of him more closely. Since when had Squad Six been monkey trainers?
The dark-haired Kuchiki sighed. "Gin," he muttered under his breath, crumpled up the paper, and threw it away.
"No, no, Captain," Renji said absently. "There are no women named Gin in the Seireitei I know of…" He leaned against the desk, and consequently would have caused the stack of paperwork on it to topple over if Byakuya had not managed to steady it in time. He did not sense the murderous glare his Captain gave his back, too absorbed in the convoluted trails of his own thoughts.
He considered the options which remained. There were a dismal few. On the verge of desperation, ambivalent but aware of no alternative, he resorted to drastic measures. "Well, what about Soi—"
Yoruichi, however, hastily interjected. "There is always Orihime."
Renji paused, mouth open, a trifle startled. Despite how often he traversed between the Soul Society and the Living World to enjoy the company of the quartet of aberrant humans who had become an integral part of the affairs of the Soul Society since their attempted invasion when Rukia was to be executed, the prospect of the group's effervescent, fumbling, eccentric female member had not occurred to him. Even Byakuya glanced up, although whether this was because of Yoruichi's suggestion or the fly which had landed on the tip of his nose, one never knew.
"Orihime?" Renji repeated blankly.
"Yes, of course." Yoruichi smiled impishly in Byakuya's direction. "I mean, sure, she is a bit of an idiot and more often than not useless, but she does have certain…prominent endearing qualities about her, as well, wouldn't you agree?"
"True," Renji said, "but isn't she too young?"
"Oh, who cares about age? When two people are truly meant to be, years hardly matter." She made an odd gesticulation as she said this, waving between herself and Byakuya. "Right?"
"Hm," was Byakuya's clever, insightful reply. "Sure. Right."
"I hear you," Renji said. "But still…" He shook his head. "I don't think that would work. A human and a Soul Reaper?"
"Rukia and Ichigo seem to be managing it."
Renji's gaze hardened. "Well, that's them. They're a bit of a special case, aren't they?"
Black murder burned in the auburn-haired Lieutenant's eyes. Yoruichi took the hint and changed the subject.
"They all do spend an awful lot of time in the Soul Society these days anyway. So what do you think?"
Renji calmed; the atmosphere around him no longer seemed saturated with latent, potentially deadly lightning. "Well…I guess we can't completely rule it out…but then again, I wouldn't say she's the Captain's type. Plus, isn't she head over heels for Ichigo or some Espada or something?"
"Who knows?" Yoruichi shrugged. "That girl switches love interests faster than Aizen switches sides."
"Next," Renji said dully. He lapsed into another ephemeral pensive silence, and then tentatively began, "There's still Soi—"
"That Arrancar Ichigo brought back with him from Hueco Mundo, what's her name?"
Cut off for the second time, Renji took a moment to understand what she was talking about. "You mean Nel?"
"Yeah, her."
"What about her?"
"Think she'd make a good match?"
Renji's response was immediate and decisive. "No."
Yoruichi looked slightly crestfallen. "How come?"
Renji's brow lifted. "Would you date someone who goes from child to adult to child more often than Ichigo goes into Bankai?"
"…I see your point."
"Hm," said Byakuya. "Sure. Right."
"So who's left?"
"Well, there's always Ichigo's sisters," Renji proposed half-heartedly. Yoruichi did not even bother to acknowledge this with an answer.
"Maybe we're thinking too hard about this," she said. She bent over the desk again, nearer to Byakuya. He gave no outward indication he recognized her presence this time, however. "Maybe…the one we are looking for…the one you are looking for…has been right in front of you the entire time."
As if the implication in her words was not already obvious, she pointed vigorously at herself. Yet her efforts were in vain; Byakuya still appeared totally oblivious.
Renji, meanwhile, was at the end of his rope. The idea of failure was bad enough, but the knowledge this had been—more or less—his plan from the start made it near unendurable to think he could have been wrong. In frustration, he cried abruptly, "Well, you could always just ask me out!"
Silence.
Yoruichi observed Byakuya carefully. When she glimpsed not the faintest reaction, not even the smallest alteration in the flawlessly sculpted features of the elder Kuchiki, she exploded.
"Oh, will you wake up! Half a decade has passed since that foul woman you dragged out of that filthy gutter she lived in kicked the bucket, and it is time you stop dwelling on what is dead and gone! The past is the past, you insufferable, obstinate, irresistibly sexy asshole, so get over it! No one is going to live up to the fuzzy memory of your doomed romance, so stop acting like a damn prude and just choose someone already!"
For a long while, nothing happened. Then, slowly, finally, Byakuya raised his head. His stormcloud orbs met with Yoruichi's furious golden ones.
"…What were we talking about again?"
Yoruichi and Renji both fell to the floor, anime-style.
The door to the office slid open, and in walked the last person either Yoruichi or Renji would have ever expected.
"There you are, Kuchiki," Soi Fon said. She sounded almost…cheerful.
"Oh, hello, Soi Fon," Byakuya greeted, suddenly much more animated.
The stunned Lieutenant and former fugitive gaped from their ground-level perspective as Soi Fon crossed the threshold and made her way to the desk. "What are you doing in here on a day like this?" She slipped her arm in his and pulled him to his feet. He did not protest, but allowed her to lead him out. Yoruichi and Renji stared disbelievingly after them.
Byakuya did not depart without farewell. "Oh, Renji. You can finish the paperwork."
Twenty-four Hours Later…
"He did what? She did what? They did WHA—"
Hitsugaya Toshiro picked up the hardest object he could find—which was, incidentally, an empty sake bottle—and flung it across the room. It struck his overenthusiastic Lieutenant, Matsumoto Rangiku, right between the eyes. She silenced immediately and collapsed, somewhere between awareness and unconsciousness. Toshiro never looked up from his paperwork.
"Will you relax?" he said coldly. "Don't blow a gasket. Is it really that surprising?"
"OF COURSE IT IS!" Rangiku shrieked at the top of her lungs. She leapt up and threw herself over the desk, consequently simultaneously destroying her youthful Captain's innocent eardrums and nearly smothering him with her ample bust.
Toshiro, sputtering and gasping, somehow managed to extricate himself from his subordinate's great chest. "I don't see how," he muttered.
"Who could have seen this coming?" Rangiku exclaimed. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes alight. Toshiro had not seen her this excited since he had brought her a large case of sake to celebrate the beginning of their partnership, a suggestion from Shunsui. In retrospect, he should have known better. If his memory was not mistaken, Shunsui had been quite intoxicated himself when he offered the much younger boy this little piece of advice. Well, that was a lesson he had learned very fast. Two lessons, to be exact. First, never listen to unshaven drunkards. Second, never let Rangiku within ten yards of sake if it can be helped, or at least never be present when the pernicious substance was in the vicinity.
In fact, he had a strong intuition the drink might have something to do with Rangiku's current exaltation.
"I saw this coming," he said in a board voice as he sat back down in his chair, careful to avoid the potentially lethal depths of his Lieutenant's upper body.
"You did, Captain?" Rangiku sounded shocked.
"Well…no," Toshiro admitted. "But I mean, really. It's not something to get so worked up over…it's not like they've announced their engagement or anything..." Under his breath, he added, "Not that it would matter if they did…"
"No, but, come on! Captain Kuchiki and Captain Soi Fon? Who would have thought? It's just so—"
In the Living World…
"UNACCEPTABLE!"
Kurosaki Ichigo ducked as another chair was thrown across the room. A splintering noise filled the air as it collided with the wall and shattered.
"Rukia—"
"NO! IT CANNOT BE! I WILL NOT ACCEPT IT!"
A desk soon met the same fate. An instant later, an assortment of classroom implements, such as chalk, books, rulers, and pencils, began flying in all directions. Ichigo and his classmates unfortunate enough to be caught in the tempest took refuge in the corner farthest from the raging Soul Reaper.
"HE CAN'T DO THIS! IT CANNOT BE HER!"
"Uh…what's wrong with Rukia?" Orihime questioned timidly as a second desk faced dissolution when it crashed into the blackboard.
"I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS INJUSTICE!"
"Did you…uh…dump her or something, Ichigo?" Uryuu asked. Something hit the wall above his head and broke apart. He was showered with cloth, sewing needles, and variegated buttons. "Hey! My kit!"
"THIS IS WRONG! WRONG, I SAY!"
"Nah," Ichigo said. "If I had, she would have just killed me and been done with it. No, it's Byakuya."
"Byakuya?" Chad repeated. He sluggishly evaded an airborne backpack. "Her brother?"
"SHE IS NOT WORTHY! NOT WORTHY!"
"Yep," Ichigo replied. "He found a girlfriend."
"Oh, really?" Orihime said. "Well, shouldn't she be happy about that?"
"It's Soi Fon."
Uryuu blinked. "You mean that crazy ninja chick?"
"Yep, that one."
"Oh…no wonder she's so upset."
Ichigo nodded solemnly.
"NO! NOT HER! HE CANNOT DATE SOMEONE WHO IS HARDLY EVEN TALLER THAN ME! SHE'S A MIDGET! A DAMN BLOODTHIRSTY HEARTLESS MIDGET! HOW CAN HE BE SO CRUEL TO ME?" Suddenly, her fury seemed to dissolve; she burst into tears and sank to the floor.
"Well, let us help!" Asano Keigo cried, and jumped to his feet. "We can't just sit back while Rukia—"
He was hushed, however, when a pair of scissors struck inches from his head.
Ichigo pulled him down again. "Uh…maybe we should just…wait here."
"Good idea," Keigo agreed in a tiny, tremulous voice.
"I don't see why she's all worked up," Chad said. "I mean, she just—"
Somewhere in Soul Society…
"…can't believe it!"
"I know!" Hisagi Shuhei shook his head in a wordless expression of amazement. "Who would have guessed? Those two, together?"
"Tell me about it," Kira Izuru chuckled.
"I don't really see why it's such a shock," Madarame Ikkaku said indifferently. "Two cold-hearted assholes like them? They were bound to find each other and mate eventually…"
"Must you put it so crudely?" admonished Ayasegawa Yumichika. "I think it is beautiful that they have found love. Romance is unpredictable. Like lightning, it strikes without warning and with power unprecedented. Like the flowers, never before one's eyes, but in secret, it blooms to reveal its peerless beauty. Like the river, it is timeless and everlasting—"
"Like this hangover, you are extremely annoying," Ikkaku mumbled, and rubbed his aching temple. "Seriously, I have to learn to lay off the sake…"
"I don't think it's such a shock, really," Kusajishi Yachiru piped from her place surmounted on Zaraki Kenpachi's broad shoulders. "I always thought they were made for each other!"
Kenpachi looked less pleased. "Does this mean Kuchiki won't be willing to fight me anymore…?"
"I don't think you have to worry about that, Captain," Ikkaku said. "You'll just have his girlfriend to fight, too."
A dusty gleam came to Kenpachi's eyes. "Well, well, that does sound interesting. I should go over there right now and—"
At the Squad Thirteen Barracks…
"…congratulate them!"
Before Ukitake could make it to the door, however, he was halted by Ise Nanao and Kotetsu Isane, who both grabbed his arms and pulled him back.
"No, wait, Captain Ukitake!" Isane cried desperately. "Don't do that!"
Ukitake blinked down at the two, astonished by their reactions. "Why?"
Nanao cleared her throat and pushed her glasses up her nose. "It's…probably better if you don't reveal to them the entire Seireitei knows about their relationship. Remember the last time Captain Kuchiki discovered everyone knew about one of his deepest secrets? Renji spent a week in the hospital!"
Isane shuddered. "I remember those injuries…I've never seen anything so…horrible!" Her complexion paled; she looked as if she might be sick.
Ukitake still seemed bemused, but inclined his head in assent. "All right, all right, I understand. I guess I'll wait to buy the wedding present and the baby gifts…"
The two Lieutenants sweatdropped.
Unohana Retsu looked up from the patient she had been treating, who had, with her help, drifted off into a convalescent slumber. She smiled. "I think someone should congratulate them. It's lovely they have decided to get together."
"I agree," Kyoraku Shunsui spoke up. He held up a large half-empty bottle. "We should all have a sake party!"
The others did not share his fervor.
"Or…not. I guess it was just—"
At the Head Captain's Office…
"—an outrage!"
Yamamoto Shigekuni Genryusai looked up at his obviously riled Lieutenant. "Who blew up the stage?"
Sasakibe Chojiro whirled to glare at the elder Soul Reaper. "Kuchiki and Soi Fon!"
"They blew up the stage?"
Sasakibe blinked. "Wha—? No! They…they…oh, it is too horrible even to say!" He buried his face in his hands and began to wail. Yamamoto only sat there and stared, totally confounded.
"…Are they betraying me, too?" he asked finally. He appeared to contemplate this a moment, and then his eyes widened in horror. "Oh, no, they're not going to take your wigs and fake mustaches, are they?" He tried to imagine his subordinate bald and without his signature refined facial hair, like Madarame Ikkaku, and shuddered.
Sasakibe's noisy lamentations ceased at once, and his fury flared again. "No! And for the last time, I do not wear wigs! Or fake mustaches! My hair is all natural."
Yamamoto coughed into his hand. "Yeah, sure, and Ichimaru really isn't Aizen and Tousen's lovechild…"
Sasakibe did not seem to hear. "No, they're not betraying you. It's much worse than that! They…they…they have…they're together!" He burst once more into uncontrollable tears.
"You mean…together in the same barracks?" He lowered his voice. "That would be a disaster…"
"No! Worse! I mean, together together!"
"Soi Fon joined Squad Six?"
"No!"
"Kuchiki joined Squad…three? Ten? Five? Fifteen?" Yamamoto's brow furrowed. "What Squad is she head of again?"
"Two," Sasakibe supplied dutifully.
"Two?"
"No! Worse!"
"Soi Fon was adopted into the Kuchiki family?"
Sasakibe paused. "I hope not! That would be…creepy. It's worse! Worse than all of that! Worse than Aizen betraying the Soul Society! Worse than Urahara's and Shihoin's disappearance! Worse than that orange-haired brat's invasion! Worse than that time I lost my wig…er…I mean, completely genuine hair! Worse than that time I used the wrong shampoo! Kuchiki and Soi Fon are…a couple!"
This announcement was greeted by utter silence. Yamamoto sat at his desk, his expression blank. Sasakibe, his cheeks streaked with tears, gazed intently back at him.
At last, Yamamoto said, "Wait…which ones are Kuchiki and Soi Fon again?"
Sasakibe face-faulted. "Why?" he groaned to himself. "Why, oh, why didn't I go with Aizen? He had the right idea, leaving this stupid damn—"
Back in the Living World, in Urahara's shop…
"—wedding! We'll need presents, and guest invitations, and flowers, and a cake—"
"Whoa, whoa," Urahara Kisuke said, and raised a hand to silence his enthusiastic friend. "What's this about a wedding?"
Tsukabishi Tessai danced around to look at the other man. "Haven't you heard? About the Soul Society's newest sensational couple?"
Kisuke raised an eyebrow. "Pretty Boy and Baldie finally came out of the closet and got together?"
Tessai frowned, excitement turned fleetingly to bemusement. Then he chuckled. "What are you talking about, boss? Those two never were in the closet. They got together years ago. Where have you been the last decade?"
"Here," Kisuke said. "Hiding. Keeping a low profile. Working outside Soul Society law. You know, usual stuff. How the hell was I supposed to know…?" He paused. "Hey, wait a minute. How the hell would you have heard about it? You've been here with me all this time! There's no way…"
Tessai appeared surprised. "Well, the Soul Society News, of course."
"The Soul Society News?" Kisuke repeated blankly. "You still get the Soul Society News?"
"Sure. I ordered a life-long subscription. Didn't you?"
"Uh…no."
"You didn't?" Tessai now looked absolutely mortified, as if Kisuke had confessed he never bathed. "Boss, how do you expect to keep up with all the new developments in the Soul Society? This is vital information we're talking about here!"
"Honestly, I really don't give a damn if…" Something occurred suddenly to the former Captain of Squad Twelve. "Hey, hold up. Does that mean the Soul Society has known where we were the entire time?"
Tessai shrugged. "I guess so." This, however, did not seem to bother him. Ignoring Kisuke's stunned, horrified visage, he resumed, "Anyway, I meant the other Pretty Boy, not the wannabe but the real Pretty Boy, and Ninja Midget."
Kisuke recovered relatively fast, startled by this revelation. "Byakuya and Soi Fon?"
"Indeed."
"Together?"
"So they say."
For a moment, Kisuke did not appear to know how exactly to react to this, whether he should be shocked, disgusted, insulted, elated, or simply neutral. At length, he smiled. "Oh. Well, good for them. I always thought they were perfect for each other." He lowered his voice. "They're certainly enough alike…"
"Yes, that's what I thought," Tessai agreed heartily. "They make such a wonderful couple! I'm sure they'll make each other very happy."
"Yeah, when they're not trying to kill each other…" Kisuke shook his head. "I just hope Unohana is close at hand…every minute of every hour of every day those two are together."
"Oh, she said she would be."
Kisuke blinked. "Oh. Well, in that case…" For several moments, he sat in silent contemplation; Tessai watched him expectantly. Finally, he stood. "I think I had better go make sure Yoruichi is all right…"
In the Squad Six Barracks, Byakuya's Office…
Yoruichi was most certainly not all right.
She was perched, motionless, on Byakuya's now vacant desk. She stared straight ahead, her gaze rapt, unwavering, but sightless. She seemed to shift between intervals in which she was ready to explode in a whirlwind of violent fury or on the verge of tears.
Renji eyed her warily from the opposite end of the spacious, if near empty, room. Too stunned to do anything but obey the orders he had been left with, he had taken the stacks of unfinished paperwork and fled to what he hoped was a safe distance from the potential lethality of Hurricane Yoruichi. Twice he had begun to speak, to try and say something to console her, but then thought better of it and promptly shut his mouth. It might be safer simply to stay here, huddled against the wall, and keep himself as small and inconspicuous as possible. He did not know if it made him a coward or not, but he was definitely no martyr, and he did not wish to die, of all places, in the Squad Six Captain's private office.
Abruptly, making Renji jump, Yoruichi stood. She still glared fixedly at the door, as if it was to be blamed for this. "How could he?" she demanded apparently no one in particular. Her tone was clear, steady, inflectionless. "How could he chose her? She's violent, impulsive, thoughtless, she has no discipline, no restraint—"
"So she's just like you, then," Renji murmured. Perhaps lucky for him, however, Yoruichi did not seem aware of his presence any longer. Her voice was rising and had started to tremble, not quite a shout but close.
"And she's so flat-chested! How could he possibly go for someone like her instead of someone like me? Doesn't he see she's not right for him? It's not fair! It's nuh-nuh-not…" It broke on the last word, and she burst into huge, miserable, shuddering sobs. She sank back onto the desk, pulled up her legs, buried her face in her knees, and wept. Renji stared, immobilized, unsure what to do or even if he should do anything at all.
Almost in the same instant, the doors slid open. Renji whirled in that direction, half-hopeful he would see Byakuya there, preferably without Soi Fon, but there was only Urahara Kisuke, stripped green hat in hand.
The former Soul Reaper did not appear surprised by what he found. He gave Yoruichi a long, sympathetic look, and then scanned the rest of the room. He saw Renji, and went to join the redhead in his corner.
"How long has she been like this?" he inquired.
"Pretty much all day."
"One second she looks like she might strangle someone, next like she's going to cry her eyes out the way she is now?"
"Yep."
"Sporadic tantrums, screaming at nothing, destroying random objects?"
Renji indicated the pile of rubble which lay where the desk's chair had been. "Yep."
Kisuke sighed. "Well, she's taking it about as well as I expected."
"So you know?" Renji asked. He did not dare speak above a whisper, in case Yoruichi were to notice him and remember the events which had led to this devastating—for Yoruichi, that was—discovery had been his idea in the first place.
"Are you kidding? The whole Soul Society knows."
"Oh." Renji hesitated. "Is Captain Kuchiki aware of that?"
"Yep. Saw him and Soi Fon while I was heading down here. Looks like they're rather enjoying the attention."
"They would."
Kisuke's lips quirked ephemerally.
Without warning, Yoruichi's sobs ceased. Her head snapped up. Her lips were curved in a primal, threatening snarl. She leapt off the desk and landed nimbly on her feet by the entrance. Her golden eyes burned with vengeful resolution.
"This is not over," she vowed. "I will not be defeated again. I will have him. Even if it means I have to kill her myself!"
"Hey!" In his alarm, Renji forgot to remain quiet for the sake of his own wellbeing. "You don't have to resort to such—"
Before he could finish, however, Yoruichi was gone. If she had heard him, she paid him no heed.
"This is nothing," Kisuke said. "You should have seen her when we found out he had married that Hisana woman."
"Love hurts," Renji said, a bit faintly.
Kisuke nodded solemnly. "So it does. So it does…"
Meanwhile, somewhere outside the Seireitei…
"Kuchiki?"
Byakuya looked up. "What is it?"
Soi Fon gazed down the path which surrounded the lake, her expression dubious, even nervous. "Do you think we should have been a little kinder about it?"
"About what?"
Soi Fon glared briefly at him. "You know what I am talking about." She glanced back again and bit her lip. "Maybe we should have found a better way to break it to Lady Yoruichi."
Byakuya shrugged. "Why? She knows, doesn't she? That was the whole point, right?"
"Yes, but…"
Byakuya waved a dismissive hand. "Relax, Soi. I'm sure Yoruichi is fine." With that, he turned and resumed down the trail.
Soi Fon still appeared uncertain, but after a moment, she sighed and followed.