Tales of the Soul Reapers: Two

Summary: Yachiru plans a party for Kenpachi and Byakuya, and several of her unsuspecting fellows are caught up in the affair. All seems to go well…until the two Captains actually show up.

Main cast: Kenpachi, Byakuya, Yachiru, Renji, Rukia, Izuru, Shuhei, Ichigo, Kisuke, Yoruichi.

Pairings: One-sided Byakuya/Yoruichi, and hints of Byakuya/Kenpachi, if you squint real hard.

Warnings: Sake, cherry pie…and Yachiru. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Party Favors

"Do these robes clash with my eyes too much?"

Madarame Ikkaku blinked, startled out of his torpor. "Yeah, sure, whatever you say, Yumichika," he said absently, and resumed his indifferent observation of the ceiling.

Ayasegawa Yumichika cast him an uncertain glance. He sighed dramatically and abandoned his inspection of himself in the mirror hung on the scratched and begrimed wall. It was his personal possession, of course; when he had been told he was expected to spend three days in the Captain's quarters without one, he had immediately arranged for the relocation of his own. "This endeavor is hardly beautiful enough for my effort," he complained for the seventh time in as many minutes, and moodily flicked a strand of hair from his face.

Ikkaku's eye twitched in annoyance. "Will you stop whining, Yumichika? It's not going to get us out of this any sooner." Bored to the point of madness, the two had decided to look through the heaps of junk scattered about the office, something they had always wished to do but never quite dared attempt when Zaraki Kenpachi was within proximity to sense their intrusion…say, a hundred miles. As far as they knew, however, their scarred and scary superior was now causing all manner of lethal ruckus in another world, and they assumed they were safe. Not that they did not jump with every tiny hint of movement or sound they perceived, or thought they perceived. While rummaging through the Captain's things, they had discovered a cache of daggers, dulled and dusty from disuse but otherwise in reasonably good condition. The crate in which they had been stored now lay open beside Ikkaku's supine form, and he periodically removed one blade and flung it casually at the ceiling until they created a potentially deadly circle of gleaming blades above his head. He took out the last knife now and tossed it upward. It struck in the center of the ring and stuck there, quivering ominously.

Yumichika looked slightly put out. He returned his attention to the glass. "How did we let Lieutenant Kusajishi talk us into this?"

An image flashed before both of them of a diminutive pink-haired girl rushing at them, crying, "Baldie! Girly-man! Kenny and Cookie are coming home! Kenny and Cookie are coming home! We're going to have a party for them! A surprise party! A big surprise party, with cake and cookies and candy and ice cream and balloons! Lots and lots of balloons! Come one, come on!"

"She can be very convincing," Ikkaku said.

Yumichika nodded solemnly.

He brooded for a moment, and then asked suddenly, "Who's 'Cookie,' anyway? I've never heard her call anyone that before…"

Ikkaku considered, and then shrugged. "Must be Kuchiki."

Yumichika raised a delicate eyebrow. "Kuchiki Rukia?"

"Nah, the other one. Pretty boy."

"Moneybags with the hair curlers?"

"That's the one."

Somewhere far away…

A dark-haired Soul Reaper coughed lightly into his hand. The tall, spiky-haired man stretched out on the other side of the campfire glanced up. "You OK there, Kuchiki?"

"Yes," Byakuya said dismissively. "Must be coming down with something…"

Kenpachi grinned mischievously. "Or someone's thinking 'bout you. Maybe that midget ninja woman you're always hanging around with…" Grotesquely, he winked.

Byakuya huffed and turned away without a word, but there was a faint tinge of crimson in his cheeks.

Back in the Squad Eleven barracks…

Yumichika made a face. "Why would she want to throw a surprise party for Kuchiki? What's he done?"

"Well, he accompanied Captain Zaraki, didn't he?"

"He did?" Yumichika inquired, taken aback. "But I thought it was only a mission to neutralize a few troublesome Hollows? Surely they don't need to send two Captains…"

"Much as I hate to admit it, Pretty Boy isn't just a pretty face. He has some skill. He and the Captain have had this whole rivalry thing going on, trying to see who's strongest…so when the Kuchiki brat was sent off on the mission, Captain Zaraki requested to go, too."

Yumichika sighed. "So unruly."

"Not Kuchiki," Ikkaku said sourly, not without a touch of resentment. "His every breath is so elegant it makes you wanna hit 'im over the head with something hard and heavy…like a boulder. Or those hair curlers."

"They're called kenseikan, you hairless oaf, and I happen to think Captain Kuchiki pulls them off quite well."

Ikkaku and Yumichika turned as the door to the Captain's quarters slid open with a pronounced bang! Abarai Renji, Kira Izuru, Hisagi Shuhei, Kurosaki Ichigo, and Kuchiki Rukia filed in, followed by none other than Kusajishi Yachiru. The third and fifth seat of Squad Eleven both blinked at the sight of their comrades. Each was laden with a mountain of assorted sweets, enough to make the entire population of the Soul Society, the Living World, and even Hueco Mundo sugar-high. These included but were not limited to all kinds of cakes, cookies, candies, and pies; containers that overflowed with various toppings to indulge the desires of the most gluttonous sweet tooth; and multicolored drinks for which neither Ikkaku nor Yumichika had names. The Soul Reapers who held these things appeared to be having quite some difficulty; Rukia in particular looked ready to collapse and be crushed beneath the substantial weight of her burdens.

Ikkaku and Yumichika gaped unbelievingly.

"What the…"

"…hell is going on here?"

"Baldie! Freaky Eyebrows!" Yachiru bounded at them—nearly knocking Renji and Izuru off their feet in the process—and leapt onto Yumichika's shoulders like an overgrown, pink-headed grasshopper. "Look what we got! Isn't it great?"

"Uh…" Ikkaku and Yumichika were quite literally speechless.

"Hey," Renji said abruptly. "I thought I was 'Freaky Eyebrows'?"

"Silly," Yachiru giggled. "Freaky Eyebrows' eyebrows are way freakier than yours! So you're Freaky Tattoos now!"

"That's not confusing at all," Renji muttered.

Yumichika looked affronted. "Hey! My eyebrows are elegant and beautiful! They are most certainly not 'freaky'!"

"'Freaky' doesn't even begin to describe it," Ikkaku remarked under his breath. Yumichika did not seem to hear.

"You can't just take my name!" Renji snapped at Yumichika, stamping his foot once in righteous indignation. "That's thievery! You're a thief!" He tried to point accusingly at the other man, but overestimated his own ability to continue to support the pile of treats he held with one arm. Consequently, when he removed his hand, the weight became too much and an avalanche of cakes and pies came crashing down on top of him.

"Renji!" Rukia cried.

Renji poked his head out from beneath the heap, his face smeared with chocolate and vanilla frosting and a thick red substance that might have been cherries. Izuru, Shuhei, and Ichigo burst into wild gales of mirth which almost caused them to drop their own burdens.

"Silly Freaky Tattoos!" Yachiru admonished, although she laughed right along with the older Soul Reapers. "Those were for Cookie to eat, not for you to wear!"

Renji scowled. "You think I want to—hey, wait, for what?"

"For Cookie, of course!"

Renji looked utterly confounded. Ikkaku dutifully explained. "Kuchiki. She's talking about your Captain."

Renji blinked. "Oh. Should have guessed that." With some difficulty, he extricated himself from the cake-pie mush and tried to wipe it all off. All he managed to do was spread the stuff even more, however, and after several tense seconds of fruitless struggle he at last conceded. He picked a final piece of chocolate cake off his cheek, and considered it in his palm. He sniffed it, and then cautiously placed it in his mouth. His expression was contemplative and a bit wary as he chewed, but when he swallowed, his visage seemed to light up. "Wow! That's good!"

"Really?" Shuhei inquired. Curious, he walked up to Renji, wiped off some frosting from the auburn-haired Lieutenant's sleeve with his finger, and tasted. His eyes brightened immediately. "Whoa, yeah! That's real good!"

The two commenced to feast off Renji's robes in earnest, but their moment of indulgence did not last. Yachiru promptly jumped up and smacked them both with the hilt of her sword. Her large, rounded brown eyes were narrowed in anger, and the energy emitted from her materialized over her head as a malign pink demon-face. "Who said you could eat that?" she demanded, her high, normally jovial voice deepened and made almost frightening in her fury. "That was for Cookie and Cookie only! Get your filthy paws off it!" She hit them a couple more times, until they were both sprawled out on the floor.

"Sorry," Renji and Shuhei muttered in unison.

With a look of satisfied triumph, Yachiru turned away and slipped her sheathed blade back into her belt. At once, she resumed her characteristic effervescent demeanor. "Well! That's too bad. Guess Cookie won't have as many as he was supposed to. I'm sure Kenny will share with him."

Humming, she crossed the room to where Yumichika's mirror hung on the wall. She studied the ornate oval looking-glass briefly, then pulled it down with a single casual tug and shoved it at its owner. Yumichika stumbled, surprised. "Lieutenant?"

Yachiru waved at him to indicate for him to be quiet. Obediently, he and Ikkaku observed in bemused silence as the youthful Soul Reaper focused her attention on the wall and tapped the wood several times in a seemingly random pattern. Yumichika and Ikkaku noticed the strange hollow sound it made. For a moment, nothing happened. Then, suddenly, Yumichika let out a startled gasp and Ikkaku gaped as a section of the wall detached from the surrounding foundation. Yachiru appeared unsurprised. She pulled the loosened boards aside to reveal a large, rectangular hidden compartment. From here she removed three sizable tables, which she hoisted over her shoulders and balanced on her head as if they weighed no more than a feather. She carried them to the opposite end of the room and placed them down side by side.

Yumichika stared into the opening in the wall. "Uh…was that always there?"

Ikkaku shook his head. "I'm beginning to learn, with Captain Zaraki, anything is possible."

"There we go!" Yachiru said brightly. "OK, all of you not stupid enough to trip over yourself and drop your goodies—"

"Hey!" Renji cried. "Are you calling me stupid, you freak-faced little brat?"

"—put them all over here!"

"I think that's an affirmative, Freaky Tattoos," Shuhei sniggered.

"Why, you…" Renji yanked his sleeve, from which Shuhei had once more begun eating chocolate frosting, out of the other man's grasp. He glared at Yachiru. "Why the hell do we need all these stupid treats, anyway? What is all this crap for?"

"Yes," Izuru piped up. "Why did you have me make all this?"

Shuhei looked startled. "You made all this, Izuru?"

Izuru grinned, not without a touch of pride. "Yep! You wouldn't believe how long it took…and I think I'll have these scars forever…" He solemnly held up his hands to brandish the bandages still wrapped around them.

"Seriously?" Shuhei said, fascinated. "You really did all this?"

"Seriously."

"Well," Yachiru said, "for Kenny's and Cookie's party, of course!"

"Party?" Renji repeated inquiringly.

"Duh!" Yachiru sighed and turned to Ikkaku. "Baldie! You explain."

It seemed Ikkaku would protest to this derogatory epithet, but thought better of it and instead only did as he had been told. "Well, since Captain Zaraki and Captain Cookie…er…Kuchiki, I mean, were gone for so long, Lieutenant Kusajishi decided it would be proper for us to throw them a welcome-home party."

"No way!" Shuhei said, incredulous.

"Way," Izuru replied confidently.

Ichigo glanced up as he gratefully set down his load of treats on the table nearest the entrance. "Wait, Kenpachi and Byakuya are together?"

Renji jumped a little, his cheeks faintly flushed. "What? No, of course not! Captain Kuchiki's Zanpakutou definitely does not scatter that way!" He lowered his voice until it was near inaudible. "Or at least, it shouldn't, with all the times he's rejected me…"

Ichigo blinked. "Huh? No, I mean, they're working together?"

"Yeah," Ikkaku said. "They went out to take care of some Hollows in the Living World."

"The Living World? You mean, in my town? Kenpachi and Byakuya were in my town? Around my family? Together? Unsupervised? For days?" He looked absolutely horrified.

"Weeks, actually," Rukia said. Ichigo paled. "The whole time you've been hanging around here. Although why they've been so long when it should have taken them about three minutes to locate and dispose of every one of those Hollows…" She trailed off, a hint of concern in her expression.

"Get out of here!" Shuhei cried.

"I'm serious," Izuru insisted.

Ichigo groaned. "My town, not to mention my home, is in ruins…"

Rukia appeared offended. "Oh, come on, Ichigo, don't you have more faith in my brother than that? He'd never let that beast...er…the most honorable Captain Zaraki go on a rampage!"

"Actually, I think he's more worried about both of them going on a rampage," Ikkaku said.

Rukia rounded on him. "What's that supposed to mean? My brother isn't like that! He's certainly nothing like your wild animal of a Captain!"

"Obviously," Renji muttered, "you haven't seen him when he really gets into a battle. Or when someone mentions cats…or the color purple…or ninjas…or pimps…or fishing hats…"

Across the Seireitei…

Byakuya sneezed again, with such force he was nearly thrown off his feet. He staggered alarmingly, but performed a graceful sidestep like a figurant in the last motions of his dance and managed to maintain his balance. A few passersby glanced his way. Kenpachi did not fail to note most of them were female. He could almost see why. His slightly tousled hair, askew scarf, and faintly pained expression gave Byakuya a youthful, vulnerable appearance which contradicted his usual stoic demeanor and was oddly endearing to him.

"You really caught something nasty," Kenpachi observed, unable to fully suppress a hint of amusement.

With a quick, furtive swipe of his hand, Byakuya wiped his nose. "I told you," he said dejectedly. "It's because we spent so much time in that vile wor-or-or-CHOO!" A bolt of blinding crimson light ejected suddenly from his hand and struck a nearby building, blasting an enormous hole into its front. The explosion shattered the low, pleasant drone of conversation in the streets. An instant of stunned silence followed, and then shrill screams pierced the cool air. A second later, they found themselves in the center of a panicked stampede. Kenpachi reacted instinctively, without thought. He wrapped an arm around Byakuya and half-led, half-carried him out of the chaos, heedless of the younger man's startled protests.

"You should stay inside when you're sick," Kenpachi remarked once the pandemonium had faded into the distance.

Byakuya glared coldly at him. "You can let me go now."

"Huh? Oh, right." Kenpachi released him, and Byakuya at once moved out of his reach. Kenpachi raised an eyebrow, unoffended but a little bemused by the dark-haired Soul Reaper's behavior. "You'd think I was the one with the disease," he muttered under his breath. Byakuya did not appear to hear.

"I am never going back there," he declared, rubbing his temple. A dull ache had begun there. "I don't care what Yamamoto says. That place can't do any good for a Soul Reaper."

"Your sister lived there for weeks," Kenpachi reminded him.

Byakuya cast him a heated look. Kenpachi shrugged. "It was your fault, anyway," he said pointedly. "You were the one who chased me around the entire town in the rain…"

"Well, if you hadn't mentioned purple cats and pimped fishing hats…"

Kenpachi rolled his eyes. He took a quick appraisal of their surroundings. They were on a quieter, almost empty dirt road. He recognized it; it was one he often used to travel to his squad building undisturbed. "We're closest to my barracks. You can stay there for a while, if you want." He glanced toward the skies; darkness approached. "At least for the night."

Byakuya appeared reluctant to resign himself to such lowly—and possibly unsanitary—lodgings, but he had started to feel a trifle weak and light-headed, and he thought it would be best if he rested a while before he attempted to make the journey to his manor, which was a considerable ways from here. "All right." He paused. "I hope you have some food. I could really go for a pie right about now…"

Kenpachi grinned. "Looks like you and me finally agree on something, Kuchiki."

Byakuya did not seem to share his enthusiasm.

In the barracks…

"You're not that good," Shuhei said disbelievingly.

"Oh, yes, I am," Izuru replied, with the slightest trace of arrogance. As evidence, he went to the nearest table and selected a pie which looked particularly delicious. He offered it to Shuhei. "Go on, try it. You'll see."

By the entrance to the room, Rukia whirled to face Renji. "What are you trying to say, Abarai?" she demanded viciously.

"Hey, hey," Renji said, in a tone which would have been pacifying had he not been cowering under his childhood friend's burning gaze. "I'm just saying I know Captain Kuchiki's anger. I've seen it enough times…"

Shuhei cut a small piece of the pie and promptly shoved it into his mouth. "You seriously made this?" he questioned again around a mouthful of cherries and crust. Crumbs flew from his lips and splattered Izuru, but the blond Lieutenant did not appear to mind, or even to notice.

"Yes, I did."

"Maybe if you kept your paws off his sister," Yumichika murmured. Ikkaku sniggered.

Rukia and Renji both turned to them. "What did you say?"

"Nothing, nothing," Yumichika said airily. Ikkaku smirked.

"No!" Shuhei persisted in his denial, unable to accept this incredible new development.

"Yeah!"

"Damn."

"Tell me about it."

Shuhei dropped his voice to an excited conspirator's whisper. "What's your secret?"

Izuru grinned mysteriously and motioned for Shuhei to come closer. Shuhei leaned in, eyes wide in anticipation.

Rukia had decided she did not care if the Soul Society did execute her this time; she intended to have all their heads. Before she could act upon this murderous impulse, however, there was a loud pop, a bang, a crash, and, quite suddenly, the gathered Reapers found themselves rained down upon by thousands of minute colorful strips of paper.

Yachiru cheered. "Yay! Confetti!"

Renji, Rukia, Shuhei, Izuru, Yumichika, and Ikkaku responded with much less enthusiasm. Almost in unison, they reached instinctively for their swords, only to find they were weaponless. None of them had thought it necessary to be armed.

As it turned out, they need not have worried. The source of the sounds and the confetti soon became clear.

"So, shall we get this party started?"

Urahara Kisuke and Shihoin Yoruichi stood in the center of the office. Kisuke's signature hat was perched securely on his head, the brim pulled down to shadow his eyes, lips curled in a devious smile. Yoruichi, half-concealed behind him, wore an identical expression.

For a moment, there was silence. At last, Renji, who had been nearly buried under innumerable pink and blue and yellow streamers, sputtered, "Wha—? How—? Where the hell did you two come from?"

"An interesting question," Kisuke mused. "So many answers I could give! If you mean 'where did we come from,' as in, where we were before we entered the Soul Society, we were of course in the place we call the Living World. If you mean, where did we come from as in when we were born—"

"How did you get in here?" Yumichika interrupted. He was not so much shocked as affronted by the ostentation of their entrance. He found it rather un-beautiful.

"Through the secret passage," Yoruichi replied simply.

"The secret passage," Yumichika echoed blankly.

"What secret passage?" Ikkaku inquired. He thought he had had quite enough of all these surprises.

Yachiru bounded over to Kisuke and Yoruichi. They stepped aside, and she kicked at the floor where they had been. A trapdoor, all but invisible in the scratched and dusty wood, popped open to reveal a square of darkness large enough for a fairly thin man to squeeze through.

"I installed two of these," Yachiru told her astonished onlookers. "This one leads outside the Seireitei. The other goes right into Cookie's house!"

"Cook…you mean, my brother?" Rukia said. "Our manor?"

"Yep!"

"Why would you want to go there?" Ikkaku sounded as if he could not fathom why anyone would desire to enter such a place.

"So I can visit Cookie anytime I want!" She giggled. "Kenny can be such a grump sometimes, but Cookie likes when I come see him, and he always has cookies!"

"Cookies?" Renji said incredulously. "Why would Captain Cook…er, Kuchiki have…?" His eyes widened. "You don't mean…he gives the cookie I make him to you!"

"Sure does!"

"You make him cookies?" Shuhei and Izuru snickered together behind their hands, but Renji, too lost in his despair, took no notice of them.

"I can't…why would he...how could he…he said he liked my cookies!"

"Obviously, he lied," Ikkaku said. Renji looked as though he might weep.

Yachiru walked up to him and patted his thigh—as high as she could reach—sympathetically. "It's OK, Freaky Tattoos. I like your cookies."

"Thanks, Yachiru," Renji said dully. Yachiru hugged him.

"I made him cookies once," Yoruichi said reminiscently. "He threw them in my face."

"Probably because they were all shaped like hearts and said 'Be Mine' and 'Do Me,'" Kisuke pointed out.

Yoruichi glared at him, indignant. "For your information, you incorrigible lecher, they said 'Be Mine' and 'Love Me.' Really, what kind of woman do you think I am?"

"You definitely do not want me to answer that," Kisuke mumbled.

Yoruichi chose to disregard the comment. "Besides, it was Valentine's Day, so he shouldn't have been so surprised…"

"Vale-what?" Ikkaku inquired.

"Valentine's Day," Yumichika promptly explained. "It's a holiday in the Living World when humans give chocolates, flowers, and other gifts to their beloveds. It's actually quite a beautiful celebration. I like to go to the Living World every year just so I can watch…"

Ikkaku stared uncomprehendingly at him. "Holi-what?"

He never received clarification; Yumichika was too engaged in a dull, drawn-out narrative about a particularly adventurous Valentine's Day he had experienced to notice his companion obviously did not understand a word he was saying.

Still fuming, Rukia whirled to confront the two unexpected newcomers. "What exactly are you doing here, anyway? Aren't you supposed to be in the Living World?"

"Well," Kisuke said blithely, "when we heard there was a party, we just had to join!"

"I can believe that with you, Urahara, but why did you tag along, Yoruichi?"

"Oh, you know, just for something to do," Yoruichi said with unconvincing indifference. She turned away in a vain attempt to conceal the devilish gleam which sparked in her eye and proclaimed, in what she must have believed to be an inaudible whisper which was very audible, "This is the perfect opportunity! This time, I will make Kuchiki Byakuya mine, all mine…" She uttered a disturbingly sinister cackle.

Renji, who appeared to have recovered from this most recent blow to his self-esteem, raised a skeptical eyebrow at the elder woman. "Didn't you try that already? Wasn't it that time you tried to get him to take a moonlit stroll with you and he ended up pushing you into the river…?"

Yoruichi faltered, but only for an instant. "This is Plan B."

"You tried that already, too, when you offered to fix his haori for him and stitched in the words 'Property of Yoruichi' on the back. He blasted it to ashes with a Shakkaho before you even had a chance to try and give it back to him, nearly taking your head off with it…"

Yoruichi cleared her throat. "Plan C, then."

"Taken. You sent him an anonymous love letter to try and lure him out to a secluded area, but he figured out it was you and set up a trap where you were supposed to meet. As I recall, you couldn't sit down for a week…"

"So that's why he wanted to borrow one of my spare canes…" Kisuke mused.

Yoruichi refused to surrender so easily. "Plan D!"

"Nope. That was when he set the dogs on you…"

"Plan E?"

"Sorry. You tried to ambush him in his room and nearly got sliced to pieces by a million tiny blades…"

"Wow," Shuhei remarked. "Talk about hopeless. I don't even think you've hit on Momo that many times, Izuru."

"Well…" Izuru coughed and looked the other way.

Yachiru hoisted herself up onto the table between them. "He's on Plan Z-458," she informed the Ninth Squad Lieutenant.

"Hey!" Izuru snapped. "How do you know that?" Shuhei seemed shocked for a moment, and then he burst into uncontrollable guffaws.

"Plan Z-679!" Yoruichi cried, not a little desperately.

Renji shook his head. "Nope. That was the incident with the shuriken, and the monkey…"

Yoruichi's shoulders slumped in defeat. Kisuke patted her back consolingly.

The former Soul Reaper, however, soon perked up again. She drew herself up and declared with dignity, "Nonetheless, I will not give in. Failure is not an option! One of these days, I will have him, and then Soi Fon can kiss my fine furry ass!"

"I don't want to know," Rukia muttered.

"She's hopeless," Ikkaku said. Yumichika nodded his assent.

Meanwhile, Ichigo sulked alone in the corner, overcome by grief. "My home," he moaned. "My town, my family…all doomed. Doomed…"

"So," Kisuke piped up. "Who brought the sake?"

An hour later…

"We can go to the office, if you want," Kenpachi offered as he and Byakuya ascended the small flight of steps which led to the entrance to the Squad Eleven barracks.

Byakuya halted, one foot on the last riser. He regarded his larger companion, dark grey eyes narrowed infinitesimally in suspicion. "Why?"

Kenpachi glanced back at him. "If you don't want to, you don't have to," he said apathetically. "Do what you want. You always do. But I have to check the office. That's where I left Yachiru. I should make sure she is still there."

"What if she's not?"

"Then we should probably get Unohana."

Byakuya raised an eyebrow, but said no more. Kenpachi started down the veranda, and Byakuya followed, though he did not go without caution. He had had too much experience with the insanely blithe youth who served as the Lieutenant of this most dangerous of the Thirteen Squads not to be a little wary.

The two entered a doorway at the eastern section of the building and crossed a wide, barren hall. A second door was at the end, and they were halfway to it when Byakuya sensed something peculiar beyond. Kusajishi Yachiru was indeed within, but she was accompanied by several other familiar spiritual pressures. Byakuya identified Rukia, Renji, Yoruichi, Urahara Kisuke, and Kurosaki Ichigo. Renji's presence was not unusual—he often visited his former squad—but Byakuya did not see why the rest of them would be here.

He stopped. "Uh, Zaraki…"

It was too late. Kenpachi's sensory abilities were nigh nonexistent, so he was unaware of anything out of place. He looked around questioningly as he slid open the wooden doors. "What is it now, Kuchiki?"

Byakuya pointed. Kenpachi turned…and his jaw dropped.

"What the—?"

Byakuya did not know exactly what he had expected, but it was not what they found. The first thing he noticed was that the entire floor of the office was covered with bottles. There appeared to be thousands of them; empty sake bottles, he observed. Some still dripped the pernicious substance they had once contained. Even the desk was buried.

The next oddity was what looked like innumerable strips of colored paper, strewn about the whole room. Byakuya, who had never been involved in what might have been called a 'traditional' party of any kind, did not recognize them for what they were, but Kenpachi, who had to face the repercussions whenever Yachiru was allowed into—or found a way to sneak into—the Living World, did. His office had been decorated in confetti.

To add to the strangeness of the scene, a series of tables had been set up on the far side of the room. They were littered with crumpled tin foil trays and plates, and smeared with thick chunks of gunk of variegated hues Byakuya really did not wish to know the origins of. Crumbs, candy wrappers, and other pieces of uneaten food had managed to find their way all over as well.

In Kenpachi's absence, several Soul Reapers had gathered in the spacious but mostly unfurnished quarters. Renji, Ichigo, Kira Izuru, and Hisagi Shuhei were congregated by the tables, seated in a sort of haphazard circle. They were talking very loudly, but none of it sounded intelligible to Byakuya. In the middle of them, like some strange idol, was a mountain of used bottles. Renji's hair was loose, and Ichigo, uncharacteristically, was grinning from ear to ear. What Byakuya found most disturbing, however, was the fact Izuru and Shuhei wore nothing but loincloths.

Ayasegawa Yumichika and Madarame Ikkaku sat together by the desk, arms slung over each other's shoulders. Neither of them looked more than semi-conscious. Yumichika's mouth was open, and a thin stream of drool dribbled down his chin. Ikkaku, peculiarly, wore the same slim feathers Yumichika had attached to his eyebrows.

Yoruichi, Kisuke, and Rukia were by the wall opposite the door. Yoruichi was weeping uncontrollably. Kisuke, his hat askew, and Rukia patted her back clumsily, trying to comfort her. She wailed out something every few seconds or so, but Byakuya could not make out what it was, if it had any coherent translation at all.

"Yes, I would have to say Yachiru is here," Byakuya remarked. Kenpachi merely stared, quite speechless.

Suddenly, Izuru stood, knocking over a section of the mound of sake containers. They clattered to the floor, and the rest teetered dangerously, but did not fall. Izuru was no steadier. He swayed so much it was a wonder he managed to remain on his feet, and when he spoke, his speech was slurred, almost indecipherable. "Dude…my hair is pointing north!"

"Dude," Shuhei hiccupped. "Dude, no way."

"Dude…totally. Look at it!" He gestured wildly in the general direction of his bangs.

"It's like a compass, man," Ichigo said, and his voice too was thick with obvious intoxication. "It always points nort…morth…noth...east, man…"

Izuru giggled. "Nuh-uh, man, not east. I said it points north."

"What—" he hiccupped, "—ever, man."

"Dude," Shuhei said. "That is, like…so awesome, dude…"

"Dude," Izuru agreed.

Renji stared at Shuhei. "Dude…Shuhei…"

"Yeah, dude?"

"You have a face!"

Shuhei reached up and practically slapped himself. His eyes widened. They were distinctly bloodshot. "I totally do, dude!"

"Awesome," Izuru said.

"Yeah!" Ichigo exclaimed.

"Dude," Renji said.

"Dude," Shuhei echoed.

Izuru turned to Shuhei and began to poke him slowly and weakly in the forearm. "Hey, Shei…Shuee…Shu…Shu…Suzie…" He realized what he had said and broke out into frantic, little-girl giggles again. "I called you Suzie…but that's not…your…name…" He tried to poke Shuhei once more, but finally lost his precarious balance and ended up flat on his face.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the room, Ikkaku and Yumichika hiccupped back and forth in near perfect rhythm. Ikkaku spoke, and like the four younger Soul Reapers, his words were slurred to the point of incomprehensible. "Hey, Yumichika."

"Yeah, Ikkaku?"

"Am I pretty now?"

"Pretty like a pony," Yumichika assured him.

"I feel pretty," Ikkaku said, and made a clumsy motion as though to smooth out the feathers on his eyebrow. He only succeeded in stabbing himself in the eye. A drunken howl, unnoticed by the others, rang throughout the room.

"It's OK, Yoruichi," Kisuke said soothingly to the hysterical dark-skinned woman. It seemed he, too, had been responsible for a number of the empty bottles lying about. "You'll find someone else…someone better…"

"Yeah," Rukia said. "Yeah, someone better…I did…"

Yoruichi's sobs increased.

As he gazed around in horror, Byakuya glimpsed a flash of pink. Suddenly Yachiru was there, comfortably enthroned on Kenpachi's shoulder. "You're finally here!"

Kenpachi at last recovered himself and glared at his Lieutenant. "What the hell happened here?" he demanded.

Yachiru shrugged. "You don't have to shout, Kenny," she said reprovingly. "We were just having a party for you guys."

"A party?" Byakuya inquired.

Yachiru shifted her gaze to him, and her countenance lit up. "Cookie!" She leapt from Kenpachi onto his back. "Of course! Since you were gone so long, I thought we should throw a welcome-home party for when you got back!"

"So…how did this happen?" Kenpachi gestured around the disaster area before them.

Yachiru sighed. "Pimp Hat wanted sake, but no one had them, so we called Melons. She wanted to stay and party with us, but Grumpy-pants came and dragged her away."

"Well, that explains everything," Byakuya muttered.

Kenpachi appeared bemused. "Melons and Grumpy-pants?"

"Matsumodo and Hitsugaya," Byakuya clarified dutifully.

Kenpachi blinked. "How did you know that?"

"Well, do you know of anyone else who could be called 'Melons' and 'Grumpy-pants'?"

Kenpachi paused. "Good point."

Yachiru regarded the scene, and pouted. "I thought it would be more fun. It was supposed to be a good party, with cake, and candy, and ice cream, and cookies, and pie!"

"Pie?" Byakuya asked, his interest piqued.

"Yeah! Apple, cherry, blueberry, lemon-whachamacallums, chocolate pie, ice cream pie, all of it! See?" She pointed to the tables, only to discover none of these listed sweets were present. Her smile faltered. "Hey, where'd they all go?" She tapped a finger contemplatively to her cheek, and then memory dawned. "Oh, guess I ate them all. Oh, well. You two just took too long, I suppose." She giggled.

Byakuya looked slightly disappointed for a moment. "Just as well. I get enough sweets with Renji's cookies, anyway…" He grimaced and laid a hand on his stomach, as if the simple thought returned the pain of overindulgence.

Kenpachi raised his brow. "You actually eat those things?"

Byakuya appeared vaguely surprised. "Of course I do. He goes through all the trouble of baking them, doesn't he? He always makes too many, though. So I give the rest to Yachiru."

"They're great!" Yachiru said brightly. "Best cookies ever!"

Kenpachi shook his head. "You two are nuts…"

Byakuya found this comment rather paradoxical, but it seemed to ignite a spark of inspiration in Yachiru. "Oh! We should have him put nuts in them next!"

Byakuya considered this. "Hm…that sounds good, actually…"

"Yeah!" Yachiru gasped suddenly. "Oh! That reminds me!" She leapt down and rushed to the tables. She ducked under the one nearest the door, and a moment later emerged with a miraculously untouched pie. "I saved one for you, Cookie!"

Byakuya looked immediately cheered. "Cherry! How did you know that was my favorite?"

Yachiru leapt up into his arms again. "It's my favorite, too!" She stared longingly down at the pie. "You'll share with me, right?"

"Naturally," Byakuya said airily, and walked out still cradling the pink-haired girl.

Kenpachi sweatdropped. "I should have stayed in the Rukon," he grumbled, and with one last backwards glance into his ruined office, he pursued the other two.