"Eclipse" from Samurai X: Reflection / "Where I Belong" from Final Fantasy VIII
CII. Eternal Sunset's Dream
(Shepard)
Waking up again after a decent rest, I opened my eyes to this same paradise. The bedroom in this home. The dream. The field of snow-covered flowers spanning outside the windows, flitting in the frozen winds. The reflection of everything I wanted for my family—in a perfect world. Perfect and unrealistic and probably unattainable. Still nice to think about, to dream about. Something to hope for.
Even though I hadn't gotten nearly enough sleep, I needed to wake up from this dream.
I needed to go back through that entrance. Back to the Temple of Athame. Back home on Thessia.
Staring up at the ceiling of this bedroom wouldn't make me get anywhere.
But I didn't have the energy to move. I had slept and slept, and rested and rested, and none of that sleeping or resting had refilled me. Empty batteries. Unresponsive limbs. I could barely move to breathe. Involuntary breathing, labored breathing. Inhaling and exhaling so much harder than I should have. I felt as if I had sunk into this mattress—down into a deep abyss—and I couldn't get back up. Even as I felt these reminders of how much I needed to get up and move. What I had interwoven with the chains of my dog tags: the blue diamond ring and the set of wedding bands I had found outside with the flowers.
I had to get back home to Liara.
I had to ask her.
I just didn't know if I could make it to the entrance in this snow. Let alone back to her house in Armali.
What was I supposed to do now…?
I sensed someone entering through the door, then.
I worried it might've been this-other-Liara or Tali, hoping to convince me to stay. I would've had a difficult time telling them no again.
The visitor's soundless footsteps gave away their identity.
I watched as the captain entered the room, looking relieved to find me here.
"Hey," she said.
"Hey."
Sol smiled over this amusing strangeness. We still hadn't gotten used to it. We probably never would.
Weighty, heavier in her movements, she sat down on a chair near my bedside. Just for a moment.
I asked her, "How was it? Seeing things from my perspective for a while."
The captain managed to smile in irony. "I suck at it. Don't know why I expected otherwise. All the more reason for us to go back as we were. It's better this way."
"Well, thanks for taking over for me. If it's ever necessary again in the future, we'll trade places then."
No response from her.
Only a heavy silence. Far heavier than the grief in her face.
As if I didn't know: "What's wrong?"
Sol shook her head. "I'm just over it, you know? Everything."
"I know. But what else can we do? We have to keep going."
She didn't want to answer that, either.
Instead she let me know, "I asked Tali and Liara to let you go back home. They probably would've tried to stop you. They understand it's a losing battle." She grieved for me, knowing I wouldn't make it there on my own. Pessimism justified. "Come on. I'll get you to the temple. You'll make it the rest of the way."
She had to help me out of bed.
Grabbing my hands, our palms and fingerprints mirrored over one another, the captain brought me up. She forced this force of will for us both. Lifting and pulling and reaching and standing up anew. Walking.
The painful effort of just walking from one place to another.
Warmed in temperature from our implants, she and I braved this snow.
The transformation of this idyllic paradise to a complete snowfall, disrupting the peace everywhere.
The effort, and the struggling—somehow normalized by now.
I could think through normal. I could push through normal. Limping and dragging my limbs along; practically haggling with my energy reserves, bartering for a little more and a little more each second. I could do this, knowing I had always done it before. I could do this, pushing along as I held my own hand, not needing anyone else to physically help me. The deeper reality, unseen, still worked wonders for me:
Liara had given me this inspiration, too.
I needed to show her how much I loved her for this. How I couldn't have gone on without her support.
I couldn't be without her.
She finally needed to know. Unequivocally.
Back at this same exit I had entered from, Sol allowed me to continue on.
She gave me her vote of confidence, letting me struggle my way back to the Temple of Athame.
Just before I returned past the barrier, I looked back at her. Sol steeled her eyes through to mine, nodding in a curt encouragement. Something else shifted behind her stare. Something I couldn't quite pin down or understand. Something she kept from me in unconsciousness, hidden within the iceberg past my view and perception. All the same, the captain knew she couldn't keep everything from me.
The truth would come out at some point.
She knew it. I knew it.
We went our separate ways, joined on the same path. United in shared purpose—for now.
For now, I pushed ahead.
For now, and forevermore, I put one foot in front of the other. One step at a time. One exertion at a time. One slice of effort, one shred of determination settling over the other. Strings of persistence as footsteps. Footsteps I could hear, too heavy; dragged down by my limitations. Footsteps echoing into the chamber of the temple, unsteady as the Goddess Athame rumbled in her lifting, exit re-opening.
The soft blue glare of the temple's gentle light shining down from the heavens.
The wide open space of this pious sanctuary, empty and unpopulated. Save for one other:
Surprising me, Glyph met me as I struggled along. Raising up and flitting around in a frantic excitement, Liara's info drone seemed glad to see me again. It led me back to the temple's entrance, mindful to take things slowly for my sake. Slowly we made it to the false-open doorway. Glyph bypassed the security there, letting us take this path. This familiar path through Armali back to Liara's childhood home.
Familiar, but broken by the Reapers. Broken walkways and shattered surfaces. But the enemy had fallen. Chased off before they could get entrenched like they had on Earth. Because I had kept my promises.
The city had survived. Thessia had survived. The sunlit vermillion of these skies had survived.
Rebuilding through survival, the asari and the Alliance worked to reconstruct everything. I saw them out in the broken streets, handling repairs and escorting civilians from place to place. Everyone toiled in harmony together. They encouraged each other in high spirits. They knew this war would soon be over.
As I followed Glyph, I cloaked to invisibility. I didn't want anyone else to see me like this.
I didn't want to attract attention.
Attracting attention as myself. Attracting attention in such critical need of medical attention.
I just needed to make it back home first.
The ideals and the realities of my situation kept me going.
I could never relent. I could never have an easy life. I pushed my hardest. I needed to. I could maybe lie down for a while, but I could never stop. I couldn't give up and leave Liara without me. I couldn't go back on my promises to her. So if I had to suffer this pain to succeed, to live up to the dreams we had for one another, I would do it. I would, as I did now, staggering through her neighborhood unseen. Invisible, but no less committed to seeing this through. I followed Glyph as this lighthouse in the daylight, in the parks.
Thessia's parks.
Armali's parks surrounding Liara's home. A utopian glass structure glimmering in the vermillion sun. The endless fields of well-maintained grass and trees: Liara's academic playground in her childhood years. A carefree joy and freedom she'd had back then. I could give her that again. I just…needed to get to her. I needed to reach this door. I needed to go inside and find her, wherever she was, waiting for me in there.
Waiting in anticipation, Liara had sensed me outside, approaching the front door.
Maybe she had sensed me earlier.
Maybe she hadn't trusted her intuition, with her senses seemingly leading her astray the last time.
Trust restored, Liara rushed through that open door, crossing this distance to get to me. The recognition in her eyes. The relief in her face, emotions shining through her eyes. She knew it was me this time. She held me with her deepened relief, holding me upright as my only support. I would've fallen over without her here. Liara smiled through the added struggle of keeping me standing, not minding. Not minding at all.
"I missed you, Shepard…"
The slight struggle marring her soothing voice.
Liara held back just how much she meant. She held it all back as she held me closer.
I brought my arms around her, lifting my limbs with the same force as several tons against me. The simplest motor functions worsened to this extent. But I suffered through it, glad to have the simplest reward of Liara with me like this. Feeling her again meant everything to me. Even if I couldn't say it yet, lacking the means, lacking the knowhow with what else I'd planned. What I hoped to give her today.
Even as I tried to speak, Liara rubbed my back, not wanting me to strain myself.
"You don't need to say anything. I know just how much pain you are in. Please save your energy. Let's get you inside so you can continue resting. With me this time."
Letting Liara escort me along, we returned inside the house.
Safety. Silence. A solitary quiet. The rest of the team must've been out somewhere or on the ship.
As Liara tried to bring me to my room here downstairs, I glanced to the living room. The sliding glass doors. The view of the park out there. My opportunity with us home alone for the time being.
"Liara, wait…"
She looked up at me in patience, wondering what else I needed.
I glanced outside again.
I didn't want to lose this moment. This momentum.
So I steered us over to the sliding glass doors. Liara went along with the detour, not understanding.
"Why are we going outside? It would be far better for you to rest in bed."
I could go back to resting later.
Outside again, more secluded this time, we retreated to one of these trees. The same spot Liara had shown me a few years ago now. The place she'd enjoyed digging for ruins in the grass in her earlier days. In front of me now, Liara smiled over the sentimentality, glad that I had remembered this exact spot. She had brought me out here for my birthday that time, then during our strange limbo of distant attachment. Liara recalled the progress we had made since then. Her joy and optimism brightened her eyes, the sheen there: a slight coating of raw emotion surfacing anew, differently this time.
When she looked to me, she saw the admiration in my gaze. How I adored her, too. How I loved her.
Face reddening with the sun, Liara sounded a little shy. "Shepard, are you…remembering the past? Is that why we are here? I can understand if you are feeling nostalgic. Shouldn't we at least sit down?"
I held her tighter for support, making sure we stayed standing.
Facing one another.
Liara continued to stare up at me in her curious questioning, so gentle and innocuous.
I raised my hand to her face, again in that labored lifting with my arm. All for the soft reward of her skin. The meaning in Liara's movements, how she angled her face more into my touch. Still looking at me. Still wondering. Still thinking, trying to figure me out—without cheating and reading my mind, so to speak.
I hadn't said enough last time. Even though I had prepared to speak; to give Liara my words.
With so many questions in her face, she deserved to hear from me this time.
"While I was gone, I learned a lot about us. The lifelong influence you've had on me."
"Lifelong influence? What do you mean?"
"I used to think I was so independent. Like I didn't need anyone. Didn't need anyone to help me or to guide my way. But it was really you supporting me all along. You've protected me since day one. I wouldn't be here today without you. I wouldn't be anywhere. Just stuck in the anger that had consumed me for so long. It's taken me a long time to accept this. Now that I have, I love you that much more."
Liara knew exactly what I meant.
The captain had told her.
She understood, absorbing the meaning of my words, repeated in this moment. The moment of this perfect day in seclusion. Our forever-peace distilled into a temporary convalescence. Just the two of us.
"You are the source of my strength, Liara. My determination. My stubbornness helping me push through my pain. Everything that makes me as a person. Everything that I am…is because of you."
Breathless in her hoping, wishing, Liara perceived nothing else around us—only me.
Only me as I reached for my dog tags, pulling out my chain in this struggling-trembling chime of effort for her. Only me as I unlinked these rings I'd found and preserved. Subservient to her, loving her in motion, I lowered myself down on one knee. Lowering to the grass with the same struggle as a tectonic shift, but Liara deserved this from me. She deserved everything I had to give: this ring I presented to her.
A blue diamond cut in the same care as the tears swelling her eyes.
Her eyes, her irises, her pupils reflecting my expression:
"Please, Liara—I need you with me. I need you as my wife. Will you marry me?"
Unable to make a sound at first, Liara froze in her astonishment.
She had expected this from my promise, but not right now.
Her motionlessness, absorbing this infinitesimal moment, seconds passing quickly to the outside. On the inside, my heart rammed non-stop inside my chest, thrashing in constant fits. Liara's promise ring glinted in the corner of my eye. That sapphire-shaped vow I had given her before. Evolved into this.
This flow she gave me, shifting from her shock to a flood of relief.
Absolute relief as Liara knelt down to me, throwing herself into my arms. The thrill in her voice against my ear as she told me yes, her smile kissing my neck, magnetized to my skin. I couldn't remember ever smiling this much before. For a while I held her like this, glad that I had kept my promise to her. Glad that I could give Liara even more promises now. Promises to be everything she needed me to be. Promises to build a better future for us. Existing as this certainty for her, always.
Always and eternal—as eternal as the silvered circle of this ring I gave her.
Fitting it over Liara's hand, her ring finger, she admired the motion and my care.
The diamond shined in this light. The light from the day; the light between us, shared and strengthened.
"You know, Shepard, it's difficult to believe this is real."
"I know. It'll sink in eventually."
Liara beamed at me. "Maybe I don't want it to sink in. Thank you—for keeping your promises. Even though it's come at such a great cost. I plan on repaying you in every way I can. Each and every day."
Every day after that felt like a dream.
A dream encased in reality, safeguarded from the horrors of the war far beyond our home.
Liara had accelerated this dream, not wanting us to just be engaged. She wanted the whole thing. She wanted the binding contract. She wanted the legality setting our bond in stone. So, maybe not-so-glamorous, we handled the paperwork instead of having a ceremony. A ceremony wouldn't have felt right—not with so much still going on with the war. But Liara also didn't want to wait to be my wife. We settled on this compromise, even as the rest of the team protested, having reacted to Liara's wedding ring just as they'd done with her promise ring before. They of course wanted a reason to celebrate.
But with this, too, Liara had to put her foot down.
I still didn't have the energy to get around the house on my own. Let alone have some big party, even if I actually wanted to this time.
We also had the Alliance literally knocking at the front door, asking for updates on my status. They wanted to know if I could head to Earth ASAP. I couldn't. Not yet.
So Liara and I found a compromise, agreeing to rest and convalesce on Thessia for as long as I could. Not necessarily for as long as I needed to. Not with the Alliance constantly hounding us. Everyone but Admiral Hackett, it seemed, had no concept of me needing to take a breather. They only saw me as that invincible machine, capable of doing anything. Spurred to a panic with Harbinger having landed on our homeworld, I couldn't blame the upper-brass for wanting to put an end to this war.
So while I slept for hours on-end throughout the day, Liara would return to the Normandy.
She had to negotiate with the military on my behalf. Really, negotiating with them as my wife, leaning on her added authority to speak for me. She managed to make a deal with them. I could stay on Thessia and rest for as long as it took our allied forces to mobilize their fleets. Palaven, Sur'Kesh, Rannoch, Tuchanka, Thessia, and Omega's forces had all agreed to join us for the fight on Earth. They needed time to prepare and meet up with the Alliance's Fifth Fleet. The Normandy also needed a few repairs to make sure she would be optimal for the final assault. I had until then to get myself together.
A few weeks to recover damages that felt like a lifetime of pain.
Later that night, Liara explained more about the deal as she took care of me.
In my bedroom downstairs, she gave me one of those hot-cold treatment massages. I lay over my stomach on the bed, enjoying the perfect symmetry of Liara's weight on me. She leaned forward and down, easing her strength and touch into my back, my shoulders. She relaxed me so much, even as I felt some of the frustration in her movements. Frustrations from dealing with the Alliance; from needing to make a deal with them in the first place.
Liara vented mid-massage, "They're completely insensitive! No one other than Admiral Hackett understands what you need. I was tempted to tell them to finish the war without you. I should have."
Comforted by her touch, I had to force myself to stay awake. I groaned as my acknowledgement, not wanting Liara to think I wasn't listening.
"How are they not guilty over this? Over asking so much of you time and time again? You need to rest."
I managed to respond, "You already know why. They don't see me as a person. Only a machine."
"Well, I suppose that's true… You always get the job done. But there comes a time when their expectations become unhealthy. They are taking you for granted. They don't see how serious this is."
"You got the deal for us, babe. We have some time. Let's focus on that instead."
Calming down, Liara accepted my redirection. "Okay…you're right."
More redirecting: "I'm sorry we can't go on a honeymoon or anything. Even if I could take you somewhere, the galaxy's in no state for it. Too many places are still affected by the war."
"Don't worry about it. This is our honeymoon. I am happy to take care of you, Shepard. You know that."
Liara took care of me throughout this time, just as Tali did.
Tali's birthday came up in mid-July. The fourteenth of July. That time passed with us at home. I felt guilty over not being able to take Tali out, either. But she didn't mind at all. She spent the time with me, glad to get this rest, even on her birthday. I lay in bed with Tali and Liara with me—with them on either side of me, speaking softly, laughing. A quiet day of celebration with my girls. I loved them both infinitely.
Dr. Chakwas would stop by to see me, too. Check-ups as she checked up on me. She agreed with Liara that these few weeks wouldn't be nearly enough time. Barely enough time for me to get back on my feet. Not enough for me to be back at one hundred percent. Harbinger would demand well over two hundred percent of my strength and capacity. So how was I supposed to win this war, still in shambles?
Sensitive to the remaining time, I had to push myself to get better.
I forced myself out of bed that day, walking around my room at first. One step at a time once more.
I had to get used to this added weight over my hand, too. The titanium wedding band I'd preserved for myself. I gave one to Liara for us to wear even during missions. Durable enough to survive anything.
I needed that same durability now.
I needed to make it through this last stretch. I refused to give up.
Another step, another piece of progress: I made it to the living room with Liara and Tali. I decided to play my N7 game with Legion. We teamed up in a private lobby. No random teammates this time. Not during our so-called training against the Reapers—the one playable enemy faction I had avoided for so long.
I still hated those fucking banshees.
Especially because this game had modeled them way too accurately. The exact same look, the exact same sounds. That damned wailing, screeching echoing from a distance; growing closer and closer as they teleported across every map. Needing to deal with them, I purposely played as an N7 Paladin Sentinel to have an excuse to be in the enemy's face. I knew not to get too close to the banshees. They could've grabbed us and picked our characters up for an immediate sync kill. Legion learned that the hard way, leaving me to solo a few waves after it had died to those cheap kills. I faced my fears anyway.
Over our voice chat, Legion informed me:
"Shepard-Commander, other members of the team would like to join in our gaming activities."
"Really?" I asked. "Wasn't expecting to hear that. How many of them want to play?"
"As many as possible."
Tali added, "Yes, we've been talking about it as a way to spend time with you. Not that we're gamers or anything. It's just to have fun with you, Shepard. We want to enjoy something you enjoy—together."
Still, we had a problem: "Well, this game is only four player co-op. We would need to play a different multiplayer game with more people."
Liara recommended, "Why don't we play Hearts of Iron? That World War II strategy game you love so much. You showed me before. Can't each person play as any nation they want in a multiplayer setting?"
"Yeah, we could do that. I'm only worried about the difficulty. It's a complicated game for first-timers."
"I don't think that will be an issue. Isn't it more important that we have fun?"
"I think so, too," said Tali. "I'll send everyone a message, asking them to learn the game on their own. Then once you're feeling better, Shepard, we can put together a bigger match with everyone. By then, we should know how to play. Hopefully."
"Okay, if you're sure."
Absolutely sure, Tali and Liara smiled at me. They wanted us to spend this time together.
Until then, I still needed a bit of time to gather more strength. At least enough to walk around outside.
A few days passed with me mustering up the energy to leave the house. Liara helped me where she could. When it came time for us to head out, we hovered in the doorway at home first. I still didn't want anyone to see me like this. How I felt downright elderly, or like a child who hadn't learned how to walk yet. Liara encouraged me anyway, holding both of my hands in hers. The sweetness of her walking backwards while holding my hands, guiding me forward in this way. How the sun lit up her eyes, her sweetness even more, brightening the whole day for us both. This sight of her took my pain away.
To other people passing by, the two of us simply looked like a cute couple out on an easy day. They smiled at us, not assuming anything else. We spotted a bunch of Alliance soldiers working with Thessia's asari commandos, patrolling the reconstructed streets. They looked glad to see us, too, knowing what our presence meant. They knew we hadn't left for Earth yet because our other allies needed time to mobilize. Not because of my condition. Then Liara came over to my side, letting me hold her around her waist for support, subtly leaning on her. She had someplace in mind for us to go. I let her lead us ahead.
Liara surprised me by taking us to what looked like a glass-domed, multi-purpose recreation center.
Inside the public building, we saw more Alliance soldiers and marines using the courts to play sports together, blowing off steam after their skirmishes with the Reapers. We passed by a few friendly games of biotiball with the Alliance biotics versus the asari commandos, plus some regular basketball games going with the non-biotic soldiers. Then we walked by several open pools and hot tubs. These asari appeared to care for the soldiers, using the restorative waters to heal their wounds and nurse them back to health. The soldiers saluted Liara and me as we went by, not knowing I needed the same treatment. They seemed to assume Liara chose to tour the facility with me to just show me around.
I suddenly felt anxious over possibly going into one of these public pools. Even though I really needed it.
But of course, Liara had already anticipated this worry of mine.
She brought us to a secluded area with a pool of steaming water. The area had a nice view of the city past the transparent, domed structure. Like a private getaway right beneath the expanse of the skies.
"Here," offered Liara. "Let me help you in the water."
She eased some of my clothes off for me, then she removed some of her own, settling us in together.
"I'm assuming you thought of this place because of our apartment on the Citadel. Our hot tub there."
"Yes, of course. I'll have to get one installed here at home. I already know the perfect place for it."
I faced that view of the city, resting my head over my folded arms along the pool's edge.
Liara stayed right behind me—massaging, healing, restoring. She relaxed me right away, helping me forget about those other anxieties of mine. I could've easily drifted off like this. The care and compassion in Liara's touch soothed me so much. I wouldn't have been able to recover without her.
Liara's voice soon drifted through my senses: "How are you feeling now, Shepard?"
"Better," I murmured through my folded arms. "You're too good at this."
Her gentle laugh sounded beneath the flow and dripping of the water, shifting with her every move.
"I do enjoy taking care of you. I see it as a duty of mine. One that I will always cherish. I know you have been in a lot of pain. But things seem to be improving for you. Your internal scans aren't what they used to be—from before the Reapers. That will likely take much longer. This is all we can do for now."
"It's enough, Liara. It's more than enough. I appreciate what you've done for me."
Liara settled her tender smile over a knot in my shoulder, untying and healing through my skin.
"Our situation isn't ideal. But you have always pulled through for us, Shepard. I have every faith you will do the same this time. Even as I understand the effort it takes. The toll it takes on you. We can look forward to the rest and relaxation we'll have once this is over. As you deserve."
"Yeah, I'm looking forward to that. Before we leave Thessia, we should have that last shore leave with everyone. It has to be soon. We don't have a lot of time left."
"We should. When you are ready, I'll invite everyone to our home for the day. We will spend time together before leaving for the evening. Let's not leave until we absolutely have to. I want us to treasure this time while we can. This is everything to me."
Everything to her and everything to me.
Our team probably felt the same. So we would spend this time together while we could.
Time together as part of our broader shore leave on Thessia. Our final shore leave before we had to set off on the Normandy again. As much as we could've celebrated for days and weeks, we didn't have that luxury. Harbinger still awaited us on Earth—there in my hometown, as if mocking me. Yet I needed to spend this time with the team. Our urgent enjoyment for one last shore leave. One more time to forget before our final operation against the Reapers, bringing an end to this war.
The culmination of these years of climbing, pushing, reaching. Finally reaching this highest peak would take the most out of us. It had already taken so much out of me. Still more I had to climb, more to achieve.