AN: Everybody ready for their bi-monthly dose of moonshine? (Sorry for being slow af at writing, college shit be takin' my free time. Also, I got like 2 other fics in progress, and that ain't changing anytime soon)
Also, I have a discord server now:
discord . gg / WJscTpbXw4
Join in if you wanna revive a dead server Frankenstein style!
ShortyMcCoy – Hehehe… your wish for my swiftness will never be granted, not if my fickle muse and carpal-tunneled hands have anything to say about it…
Mistchino – Thanks, mang! Nice to see the brain parasites set in for you too. And don't worry, the Stations of the Canon is no match for my (metaphorical) beat-up Ford F150!
blood enraged – Oh fuck yeah! Please let me know if I dun goofed on some parts in future chapters; though I've seen and met my share of hillbillies over here in rural Pennsyltucky, I can't be a hundred percent sure about my more southerly kin.
Thanks to Creno K for unfuckering the fuck out of this fuck-piece! Also, thank you for your service!
CHAPTER III – 'Ate Fallen, Luv Me Peerage. Simple As.
Fun Fact of the Day: On March 3, 1876, a vegan's worst nightmare happened in Bath County, Kentucky… It rained meat.
KENTUCKY 11
The year 2011 has arrived.
A herd of fuckin' ugly fallen are rushing in from the Grigori.
Crime rate has skyrocketed!
Kentucky is ruined!
Therefore, the Kentucky government called Colonel Sander's relative "Lee Adams Dougherty" for the massacre of all the fallen.
Lee is a killer machine.
Wipe out all 1.2 billion of the filthy fallen!
However, in West Taiwan, there was a secret project in progress! A project to transform the deceased Azazel into an ultimate weapon–
–Hmm… Something's wrong…
Something's missing…
…
…
…
Oh right – Issei's training!
Who could forget that over some sort of meme? Definitely not the narrator–
A-hem…
Presenting… An Impromptu Training Arc for The Former Protagonist:
Satan help us all…
…
…
…
Deep breath…
…
…
…That was a bad idea.
Lee just barely managed to hold himself from coughing his damn lungs out – the air here was completely foul, worse than novichok and skunkier than even the cheapest cheapskate pothead's weed. Yet, devils needed to breathe too, just like the stupid little humans, so…
Release.
It's a wonder what a little meditation could do for you, even in such a hostile environment.
Ah… What a wonderful day for character development…
As Lee trailblazed through the many mud patches like adventurers of old, Issei followed close behind, like a lost puppy. A very, very sick lost puppy – he kept pinching his nose at the smell and gagged every few seconds. Not far behind in their travel through this wretched fen, Billy-Joel, Cletus, and Mercedes carried a large dog crate, covered by a dirty tarp.
"Uh… Lee?"
"Yeah?" Lee stopped in his tracks, looking back.
"Where are you taking us? And what are they carrying?" Issei pointed towards the crate, which seemed to suddenly rattle for a half-second before the three managed to keep it still with a little percussion.
"Oh, you'll see soon enough," Lee waved him off and continued walking, "We're almost there,"
The pawn held back yet another gag, not wanting to embarrass himself in front of his new master (however vehemently said master refused to use the term).
Lee almost sighed, but that required breathing in the fucking air in the first place, and he would rather avoid that if possible.
You'll need to get used to it soon, Issei… The supernatural world's a lot more disgusting than you'd think.
This bog which they treaded through was no exception, though calling it a bog was giving it too much credit; it was more an oversized, above-ground sewer with some trampled, yellow grass occasionally breaking the toxic mud patches.
You see, this area was rife with strays, despite most of it being de jure holy territory… Apparently, not even the Church gave a fuck about what happened in Appalachia, which meant there wasn't much patrolling going on.
Good for Lee and his own little Satanic fiefdom in Bainesborough. Yet also good for the strays that happened to wander in one way or another.
And this field?
Well…
You know the book Everyone Poops?
Strays did it too.
Except, when animals answered the call of nature, at worst it would ruin a patch of grass. But when strays went number one and two, it was fucking Chernobyl.
All the plants die immediately from piss stronger than fluoroantimonic acid, and the animals – the putrid smell of demon shit causes them to fuck off back to Bambiland, never to return again.
Stray devil physiology is weird as fuck, yo!
Yet, for all of its flaws, this unfined EPA complaint served Lee's purposes perfectly! All the piss and shit around here meant nobody would have the balls to bother them, and if they did…
Good luck surviving your newfound super-AIDS and tetanus. Habbo Hotel swimming pools ain't got shit on this!
And besides, could it really be called training if there wasn't a risk of catching magical gangrene?
Some food for thought – or rather, poo.
Hehe…
Eventually, they made it to their destination, a particularly flat, dry, and not-as-terrible-smelling section of land. With a raise of a hand, Lee motioned everyone to stop. Near the center, Billy-Joel, Cletus, and Mercedes unceremoniously dropped the crate, much to the obvious displeasure of what was inside based on the frantic rattling.
"Ugh…" Issei scrunched his face, "It reeks…"
No shit… Or yes shit, I guess…
"So, you're gonna tell me why we're here, right?" Issei continued, "I mean – surely it's not some world-ending secret?"
"Well, it's 'cause here's the closest to alone we're gonna get these parts. Gotta keep up the masquerade and keep the normies from knowin', and I don't got no time to wipe the memories of some nosey motherfucker."
"But… why?"
"Why what?"
"Why the whole…?" Issei helplessly waved his hand all over.
"Ah…" Lee nodded, "Well, don't look at me – I didn't make the fucking rules. All I know is that if we reveal the whole supernatural thing to anyone not wearin' a tin-foil hat, all hell gon' break loose and some big boss motherfucker's gonna come and wipe us off the map."
"Doesn't the whole town know about us, though?"
"Not exactly… and, well… Ya think people are gonna take stories of demons at face value from a couple of toothless rednecks? No offense, Blowjob–"
"None takin'!" Billy-Joel chirped.
"–No, they're not." Lee huffed, "Worst comes to worst, Bainesborough gets an episode of Spirit Hunters or whatever ghost show happens to air on A&E, and nothin' comes of it."
"Okay then," Issei nodded.
"Anyway! Now that we got all dat over with, lemme tell you why I brought'cha here!" Lee leapt up into the air, posing with his wings out, "No offense Issei, but in devil terms, you're an itty-bitty lil' newborn who can't fight to suck his mama's tit,"
"Way to lay it on thick, huh?" Lee pretended not to hear Issei's grumbling.
"But do I have one helluva solution for you, my dear lil' baby boy!"
"'Baby boy'? We're the same age, man…"
"All it takes is a little piss and vinegar…" Issei froze in place when suddenly, Lee's normally dull orange eyes glowed under the sunlight, a psychotic grin creasing his lips, "…and some combat experience. Show me the money, Blowjob!"
The big rook ripped the covering off the cage, revealing the horror contained within.
"What the fuck is that!?" Issei jumped at the sight, screeching like a girl in an 80s slasher flick.
The thing wasn't that big, no larger than a 9-year-old child. But it certainly made up for it in sheer, abominable ugliness:
It was covered in hair, yet half of it was falling off from mange; the sections of skin visible were covered in boils and sores, some of them even leaking pus. Its eyes conveyed an overwhelming hunger, glazed towards the distance in lust and madness. And its teeth, they snarled around a cloth gag, spitting at it in a vain attempt to free its tongue.
"That, right there, is a stray devil." Lee explained, "They're the result of what happens when a reincarnated devil betrays their peerage. As for why they look like that – now, I ain't no expert or nothin' – but I'm pretty sure it has to do with the evil piece goin' haywire from the broken connection with its master and the body not being able to handle it since they aint fully devil yet – hence, the…" he vaguely gestured toward the thing, "Thing-ness of it. Basically, these fuckers where you get myths like chupacabras, wendigos, skinwalkers, the whole nine yards."
"That's… a lot…" Issei rubbed his head, pointedly trying not to meet the thing's gaze.
"Yeah, it is," Lee admitted, "Whole lotta theoretical in there that I'm too dumb-dumb to understand. But, they're useful in a lot of ways – with the right tools," Lee winked at Cletus, who flipped the bird at him right back, "–they're a source of free evil pieces."
Issei wasn't a total idiot like everyone thought he was at Kuoh – the implications were clear, "Wait! Does that mean–"
"Before you ask!" Lee interrupted, "No, you ain't got nothin' to worry about! Cleats' sacred gear, [Tempus Cēdit], cleaned out all the stray corruption with a lil' time magic."
Honestly, I dunno why nobody thought of this before, but then again, you don't really hear about commoners buildin' their own peerages from scratch.
"Oh, good…" Issei breathed a sigh of relief but still looked nervously at the snarling thing in the cage.
When Billy-Joel tried to approach the thing, it tried to slash at him from between the bars. He jumped back, chucking.
"Heh… feisty lil' shit aren'tcha?" His laughter was a deep rumble, like rolling thunder, yet held a childish innocence. He turned towards Issei, "Caught dis lil' varmint masticatin' some soder cans a lil' while back,"
"Masticating?" Issei asked out loud, still unsure of his grasp in redneck English despite the magical translation, "Don't you mean masturbating?"
Of course your mind would go there, Lee tutted internally, And where the hell did Billy-Joel learn that word?
"Nah," Billy-Joel shook his head, "I mean' wha' I said. I t'ink da thing has dat pikachu disease – he was eatin' dem shits like dey was Ho-Hos."
"Right…" Lee unintentionally performed a Dr. Evil impression. He then went down and landed right next to Issei, "Metal fifis aside, this down-syndrome Gargamel chihuahua lookin' motherfucker is a threat to the innocent humans 'round here. So, I'm gonna need you to kill him. Don't worry, he should be weaksauce even by your standards."
"Do I… have to?" Issei asked, looking uncomfortable at the prospect. Understandable, since not only was a former human, but a 21st-century teenager raised in one of the most peaceful countries in the world, "I mean…"
Therefore, Lee had the bright idea to give him a little motivation. With a wave of a hand, the stray's gag vanished into thin air.
"Ke-heuk! You unworthy cretins – release me at once!" The stray shouted to the heavens above and hell below. Its voice was as beautiful and pleasant to listen to as a fork on a plate, "You lot are not worthy of gracing my vision! End your miserable lives immediately, so I am not to suffer your presence!"
"Any more?" Lee pursed his lips, "You're talkin' some mad shit for a thalidomide baby, sweetie. You sure your stumpy little ass can cash it?"
"You dare talk back to me, you faggot-lipped cocksucker!" Whoa, too far, buddy! Big Man Upstairs could get canceled for that! "Your pathetic pedostached visage looks like you suck little boys' dicks for fun!"
"And why don't you go suck mine, then!?" Lee snapped back, "Haven't you heard!? Cum's a good lip-balm – your crusty ass shit could use a little! And what the fuck is that white shit on your tongue, boi!? Looks like you've been licking drywall all day! Haven't you brushed your fucking mouth in the past thousand years!?"
"GRRAAH! JUST YOU WAIT, YOU INBRED FUCK!" It howled, clawing at the cage, "I'LL RIP YOUR DICK OFF AND EAT IT IN FRONT OF YOUR SISTER-FUCKING FAMILY!"
Lee's face morphed into a vicious smirk, "Not gonna lie, brother… That's kinda gay…"
"GAAAAAAAH!" The stray shook at its restraints,
Issei's jaw dropped at their… liberal (not in the political sense) use of offensive language. Lee leaned in, "Yeah… they're always like that. Fucked up little druggie brains ain't got no filter for nothing, 'cludin' not sayin' no-no words… You wouldn't believe the amount of n-bombs and 'cracka's' I get from strays further down south…"
Honestly, is it that fucking hard not to treat your pieces like shit? Is the devil species a bunch of fucking reddit mods on a power trip?
…wait, they're not fat, and they somehow get laid. Disregard that opinion, potential mind-readers.
"Huh…" Issei hummed
Lee shook his head, "Just don't let his words get to ya – he's just fixin' to get a rise out of–"
"YOU GOT BAD CREDIT YOU LIMP-DICKED NANCY!"
Oh, you MOTHERFU–
Lee's expression immediately dropped to a scathing scowl, "–Issei, when you kill that thing, make it fucking slow and painful as possible."
"Wh-wha!?" Issei blustered, flushing at the 180, "B-but–"
"I admit, I'm sensitive about 'bout dat shit… I know my score's at 300…" Lee gritted his teeth,"but I don't want dat fucking thing rubbin' it on my face."
"Rubbin' it on your face!?" The stray jeered, "THAT SOUND FUCKING HOMOSEXUA–!"
"–SHUT UP!" Lee screamed at the thing, red-faced. This back and forth quickly grew old.
He snapped his fingers, and the cloth gag reappeared out of thin air as if it had never left in the first place.
"Ahh… peace and quiet… You were saying something, Issei?"
"Uh… I…" Issei pressed the tips of his fingers together like a shoujo manga schoolgirl, "I don't if… if I am able to kill…" He whispered that last part, his voice shrinking down in doubt and shame.
"Hmm," Lee tapped his chin, "Yeah, that ain't gonna fly."
Issei's eyes bulged out, "What?"
Lee continued, "You ain't got no choice here, bud. We ain't leavin' 'till you kill that little shit. The supernatural world is dog-eat-dog – animal kingdom rules, baby! Survival of the fittest! It don't have no qualms 'bout silly little shit like human morality." Lee brought out his wings again to emphasize his point, "The cushy, civilized life you lived was gone the instant you went on that date with the fallen bitch."
Fuck, I hate being the mentor. Exposition soapboxing is tiring…
Lee put a hand on Issei's shoulder, "So, let go of those stupid inhibitions, let out your inner Conan the O'Brien, and give that goblin a late-term abortion like Planned Parenthood should've a loooong time ago!"
Lee looked towards Mercedes and gave a thumbs up, then he pushed Issei forward towards the cage.
"Waaaah!" The boy cried, tripping over his own feet. He fell face first onto the foul ground, covered in contaminated culo cobble and mud.
At Lee's cue, Billy-Joel ripped the cage open like tissue paper and threw it toward Issei. Meanwhile, a magic circle appeared mid-air in front of Mercedes and Cletus, forming a large dome barrier around Issei and the stray, making an impromptu arena.
Lee knew with certainty that Issei would survive a trial by fire…
"What are you doing!? Let me out! LET ME OUT!"
…despite his many complaints.
Unlocking a sacred gear, especially a high-power plot-breaking bullshit type like what Issei had, required a bit of continuous stress on the user. The fallen bitch's little stunt against him wasn't enough, since it was sudden and quick, like your first time in bed.
No – It may have been cruel, but Issei needed to be put in an actual combat situation to grow. He was a shounen protagonist, not the fucking Care Bears – coddling him wouldn't do him any good.
"HELP ME!" Issei pleaded, sprinting away as the thing gave chase from its crate.
The stray looked upon the boy's flesh in unrepentant lust, looking to defile and consume. And unfortunately, Issei could only run so far…
Thump!
…as he struck face-first against the barrier, knocking him back, "Oww… Itaiii…" A trickle of blood went down Issei's nose, but not for any reason he would like.
Slowly, Issei turned around and watched in horror as the stay rapidly caught up.
"Use your sacred gear!" Lee called out.
What the fuck's a sacred gear!?" Issei screeched, "Oh fuck! I'm gonna die!"
Fuck! I forgot that too!?
"Issei! calm down n' think…" Cletus, everyone knows that won't work, "…D'ya feel a power growin' inside ya?"
"Power!? What power!?" Issei looked close to blowing a gasket, "There isn't a power I have that'll beat that thing!"
The stray slowed down, now having Issei cornered. It ripped the gag off its mouth, displaying its razor-sharp rictus, "Got you~"
"Yes you do! Just let it out!" Lee unhelpfully instructed.
The stray struck, slashing at Issei's legs. Instinctively, the boy ran around like a headless chicken having a seizure, but the stray held on regardless of the belt of his uniform.
"WAAH! Get it off! Get it off me!" He shrieked but the stray wouldn't let go.
Mercedes chimed in, "Just do something you think is cool and hit the puto cabrón!"
The thing tried to slash at Issei with its free hand, but the boy's hand happened to flail towards its face, and it was sent careening off to the barrier. Issei stopped in his tracks, frantically looking back and forth between his own hand and the knocked-down stray…
"EEEHHHHH!?" He wordlessly exclaimed.
"Look at what'cha just did! Yer strong now, and you'll be stronger once ya unlock yer gear!" Cletus said encouragingly, "I unlocked mine by actin' like Clint Eastwood!"
"Be a protagulist! Like dat Ken-sham-wow guy from that Big Dipper Annie-May!" Billy-Joel helpfully appended.
"Anime… Protagonist…" Something clicked behind Issei's eyes, "Kenshirou…oh… OH!"
Lethargically, the stray picked itself up, the mud squelching as it did. It glared daggers at Issei, "Is that all you got, you stupid boy?"
"…" Something changed in the air… Issei stood up straighter and met the stray's glare head-on. Wings grew out of his back, but unlike with the others, the field of black leather was broken by the occasional red scale.
"You deaf or somethin'!?" The stray snarled, "I said…"
"…" Issei clenched his fist… and the world started to gain a scarlet tint, almost unnoticeable. Lee rubbed his eyes, but it didn't go away…
"…Eh… Fuck it! I'll try again after I skullfuck your corpse!" The stray leapt ahead, ready to slash again.
Then…
[Boost]
Issei plucked the stray from the air faster than the blink of a human eye. A blood-red glow came from his forearm, and with it, the air itself pressed down on everything. It was harder to breathe, even for Lee – Cletus and Mercedes struggled to maintain the barrier as cracks grew every which way.
"Omae wa…" Crimson metal materialized over Issei's hand, growing over in a mass of spikes and scales. The crown jewel, a palm-sized green crystal flashed.
[Boost]
That voice… there it was again…
The stray, eyes bloodshot, muttered his last words, "…Oh FUC–!"
"…MOU SHINDEIRU!" Issei bolted upwards at supersonic speeds, choke-slamming the stray at the top of the barrier, "aaaAAA! AAAAAA! AAATATATATATATATATATATA!"
Issei's fists struck true over and over again, swift like whips, precise like a surgeon's scalpel, and heavier than a wrecking ball. Cletus and Mercedes could barely keep up as the barrier was close to collapsing.
"ATATATATATATATATATATA-!"
Bones cracked. Flesh being torn. The stray was being reduced to one big bruise by Issei's onslaught.
It stood no chance. Issei's fist reared back…
[Boost!]
"AAATAAA!"
The barrier couldn't take it – it shattered like glass. The stray, meanwhile, exploded, sending putrid green blood and guts all over the place. Issei landed on the ground, creating a muddy crater around himself…
Like a warrior of old, he shouted out to the heavens.
"RAAHHHHH! RAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
It was a beautiful, primal sight… Issei shouted the triumph boiling in his heart without restraint. Yet, he didn't notice that it was still raining stray parts… and a piece landed directly in his mouth.
"RAAAA-ACK! Bluegh! Pweh! Blech!"
The gauntlet vanished in a flash, and so did the overwhelming pressure. Quickly, Lee flew into the field as Issei choked on the stray's part. He wrapped his arms around the boy from behind and performed the Heimlich maneuver.
"Ack! Kuek! Bleeegh!" After a few tries, Issei finally coughed it back up.
As the boy recovered from a near second-death experience, Lee gave him a pat on the back, "How does your first victory taste?"
"Like… ugh… Like umezuke and diarrhea–!" Issei let loose the contents of his stomach upon the poor ground, "…Pweh! Shit! What the hell was that thing!?"
Lee glanced down and grimaced. A severed, deformed micropenis, with balls still somehow attached, stared back up at him, taunting him. It was still covered in the poor boy's vomit and the stray's rotten blood.
Holding back a gag, Lee buried it with a little telekinesis. Issei was already traumatized enough, he didn't need to know…
"…You'll get used to it."
Issei spat on the ground, "Satan, I hope not!"
"Well…" Lee reached out and grabbed Issei's hand. The boy flinched for a half second until he noticed who it was. Before it all became too homoerotic (it's okay, they have socks on), Lee raised their hands up high, "Give a round of applause to our newest member, our mighty pawn, ISSEI HYOUDOU!"
"WHOO!/YEAH!"
Billy-Joel clapped – Cletus and Mercedes, despite their clear exhaustion, burst into cheers, the latter pumping his fist in empathetic victory.
A dopey smile grew on the boy's face as what happened truly dawned on him, and the one that Lee wore, was one that wouldn't look out of place on a proud father. Lee had seen it in Issei's eyes, a layer of self-doubt shattered. Behind the cloud of nervous confusion… a spark of certainty, of true self-confidence.
"Now… How 'bout we get the fuck outta this pisshole and watch some Saturday Night Football at Blowjob's place!? Pizza's on me!" Lee announced enthusiastically.
"Fuck yeah!/Whoo!/Alright!"
Even Issei, as tired as he was, couldn't help but get fired up in the electric atmosphere. He jumped up in the air flying, taking it not as a baby bird, but as a majestic phoenix, reborn in the flames of war, "Yatta!"
Everyone took off impatiently back towards town, unable to bear yet another second of waiting. Lee, being left behind, was the one forced to pick up the pieces. Yanking up the broken cage out of a mud pit, he doused the area in flame, vaporizing what was left of the stray.
Which only made the smell worse. Lee revolted, and flew away to join his peerage; somebody had to make sure the idiots didn't get lost again. And as glad as he was that Issei was fitting in with everyone else like a glove… Lee didn't want him to inherit their bad habits too.
And one big question remained… What was he going to do when Issei was back in Japan? How would he maintain a peerage when a member was halfway across the world?
Eh… I'll cross the water when the bridge gets there…
…Or however else that phrase went.
Later…
Whew… Maldita sea… Necesito una copa…
Mercedes didn't have even the faintest flea's tit of a clue on what they fed Issei back in Japan, but damn, did he want some of that shit.
When he went full Kenshirou on the stray… that was the first time in a long time that he honestly thought he was gonna die. That barrier spell was a tough-as-nails high-level incantation straight from Grauzauberer's archives… yet Boost-Boost-Boost it fell apart like Dollar Tree toilet paper.
It was stronger steel beams, but by Satan did Issei bring the jet fuel!
That kind of power, especially on a guy who only learned about the supernatural world a few days ago, wasn't something to fuck around with. In fact, it gave Mercedes a bit of a wake-up call – train, or be left behind. And he had his pride to keep Satan-dammit.
But still, he was glad that the pawn was on their side, and not with the fucking church…
Mercedes watched Cletus and Billy-Joel enter first and forced his aching body to pass the front door to Casa de la Robertson. Perhaps the prospect of liquor and watching some American Hand-Egg (he refused to call that sport football) would bring back some of his vitality.
"Howdy, Mercedes!" A random guest with a rat tail was the first to notice.
Yet… his hopes were dashed once he discovered that the whole damn town of Bainesborough had made it first. Probably because nobody in their right or wrong mind wanted to miss ol' Grandpa Jim-Bob Roberston's birthday, especially when a sports game happened to land on the same day too…
Sons of bitches probably drank all the liquor before too… He grumbled, taking a seat, tightly sandwiched between one member of Billy-Joel's endless army of uncles and one of the uglier cousins.
How in the hell the whole Robertson Clan fitted in a single double-wide trailer still baffled him to this day, and he was a magician.
But, it wasn't all bad. Mercedes got to watch as Issei fluttered from one place to another like a lost toddler, unknowing how to even handle such… different people. Though, after a minute, Cletus pulled Issei from his pinball-like wandering and dragged him toward the cooler.
Mercedes watched as a familiar devious smirk grew on Cletus' face as he opened it…
Oh boy, here we go…
…and he pulled out a freezing cold purple can – from afar, it looked to be what one would expect from a grape soda, but Mercedes knew better.
Oho… Veo que has elegido hoy la violencia, Cletus…~
"In light of you kickin' dat stray's ass… I think you've earned yerself a drink, Issei," Cletus handed the drink to the boy, cracking it open with a little magic.
"A-are you sure?" Issei froze, his voice cracking, "I thought the drinking age was 21 in America…"
Cletus snorted, "And in this part of the state? Nobody gives a flyin' McFuck!" He gestured all around as if to prove his meager point, "C'mon, just a lil' nip… It'll put some hair on your chest."
"O-okay then," Issei hesitantly took the can, and took a greedy sip…
Big mistake! Haha! Mercedes hid his obvious schadenfreude behind his hand.
Issei stopped halfway, his eyes wider than dinner plates. He ran to the kitchen sink and spat it out.
Mercedes held back a chuckle – a few memories came back to him, of when he was 12 and tried to sneak a nip of his abuelita's tequila. Unfortunately, it was the cheap shit, and it tasted like fucking mouthwash made in a sewer.
Those were the days…
A moment passed, full of retching and coughing on Issei's part; it took a good while for the poor boy to even be able to form words, "What the– cough! –Y-You drink this shit!?" He forcefully shoved the can right back into Cletus' hands, splashing beer everywhere, "It's worse than the… the… It tastes like gym socks and horse piss brewed in a colostomy bag!"
Yeah, sounds about right for Beer 30 Light… Way to traumatize him, Cleats.
"Well," Cletus smirked, even with wasted beer sprayed all over his undershirt, "The Cheap shit's fer gettin' drunk, not for taste,"
"B-but–" Issei sputtered wide-eyed, "I thought that's what moonshine was for? This is…" Issei squinted to read the can in Cletus' hands, "5.5% alcohol on top of a war crime!"
"C'mon, it ain't dat bad," Cletus shook his head, before downing the rest without a flinch, "Kobe!" He threw the can across the room, over Mercedes' head, and straight into the bin. He did a little fist pump of victory then turned back towards Issei, "An' besides… It depends on how fast ya wanna get drunk too – ya wanna lil' buzz for the afterparty, or do ya wanna be shitfaced by the second quarter? Dat's the piss-drunk calculus ya gotta make!"
"Whatever! I'm not drinking that ever again!" Issei whined, "Blegh! I can still taste it!"
"Sucks for you, dat's all the gas stations 'round here carry these days… fuckin' sumbitches…" Mercedes tuned out of the conversation, having lost interest.
Then, a little kid, who couldn't have been older than six tugged on Mercedes' pant leg. He looked down and saw that it was a little girl who was surprisingly not part of the Robertson clan. Though… the poor girl had the worst haircut known to man.
What loving parent gives their kid a bowl cut and a rat tail… Diablo mío…
"Uh… Mister Mexican…" Mercedes held back the urge to correct her – she was just a kid, she didn't know better, "Mah momma say dat all y'all jump de border to gitt 'ere… Uh… Is dat true?.."
Honestly, he was quite stunned at how casual it was.
Never has racism been so cute.
Mercedes scratched his head, "First of all, I'm not Mexican, I'm Puerto Rican–"
"Where dat?" She adorably interrupted.
"–Part of the U.S.A." He pointed to himself, "I'm as American as apple pie! And second, my name's Mercedes – what's yours?"
"MacKenzie!"
"Well, MacKenzie," he ruffled her terribly styled hair, making it look more human and less Jebediah, "I would say not to listen to everything your momma says. Certain people can be very close-minded about people because they don't know them, and they're scared of them."
"So… like that Mister EE-Say over there?" She pointed to the Japanese boy, arm and arm with Cletus, laughing his ass off. Mercedes saw a little spark of realization in her eyes, "Mommy say Chinese people eat dogs – but I saw him playin' wit' Rosie… Is my mommy dumb?"
"No, not dumb… She just doesn't know. And sometimes, people don't want to know either – they like the lie better than the truth,"
She pouted, "That's dumb…"
"I don't deny that." A light chuckle escaped Mercedes' lips, "But I think the fact that you're asking questions is good. That's how you keep an open mind," He put a hand on her shoulder, "So next time you see a person your mommy says things about, think to yourself, 'is that true?' – Got it?"
"Got it!" She nodded with a serious expression
Mercedes glanced out the window, "I see some of the other kids brought out the frisbee – why don't you go play with them?"
"Okay!" She ran toward the door, and right before she was out, she waved back, "See ya, Mister Mercedes!"
"See you, too!" Mercedes waved back, with a big dumb smile.
As Mercedes reclined back, watching the Wildcats destroy the other team with a cold beverage in his hand, he remembered a quote from Gandhi,
"If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him."
Huh… When did I get so philosophical?
That was the mystery of the ages. Perhaps all those shiny skullets by these folks made Mercedes reflect a bit.
Perhaps that girl might grow up to do good things.
One could hope.
…
"Happy Birthday to you~,"
"Happy Birthday to you~,"
"Happy Birthday Dear Jim-Bob~"
"Happy Birthday to you~..."
An old man blew out the many, many candles. A surprising feat to be sure, with the old man as frail as he was compared to the bonfire on top of the frosting. The whole trailer cheered, packed like sardines full of hootin' and hollerin' inakamono.
Issei felt completely out of place.
But, he wasn't an asshole, so he joined in with a polite clap.
Billy-Joel cut the cake, leaving a heaping portion for his grandfather before passing slices around the party-goers. Unconsciously, Issei picked up a plate for himself, before staring off into the distance…
It was the constant reminders of how foreign the mystical land of Kentucky was that only made his homesickness stronger. As much as he liked the others from the few days he knew them, as much as enjoyed the company of the strange bishie dude that was his master (no matter how vehemently he denied the title)...
…It just wasn't home, at least not yet. He wanted to be back at Kuoh, fooling around with Matsuda and Motohama, eating his mother's curry.
Issei longed to go back.
And hopefully, it wouldn't be long – Mercedes told him he was almost done recreating the circle that brought him here. Most likely, he'll be back within the week… if nothing went wrong that is…
Don't go tempting fate now, Me. He mentally admonished himself.
There was the other thing too: How the hell was he going to explain the change in species to his parents!?
Issei knew for a fact that his mother would find out eventually, it was an inevitability. And with the oddly terrifying changes in his own behavior and outlook since his conversion to devil-hood, he didn't know how she would react.
Now, he wasn't one of those serial killers that killed little kittens while growing up, but he didn't the slightest bit regret vaporizing that little hobgoblin.
He asked Cletus about it,
"Eh, don' worry 'bout it! Devils like us are hardwired t'be lil' sociopaths – It's in our nature!"
…Not very reassuring.
Yet, there were a few silver linings to this whole situation. For one, all the porn was uncensored!
Issei may or may not have requisitioned a few of Cletus' Playboys for his own personal use – Don't tell anybody!
And two…
This is the best damn cake I ever had in my life! Issei rushed to finish chowing down the rest of his slice.
Diabeetus be damned, Americans didn't fuck around when it came to making food delicious. If he wasn't missing Japan so much, Issei would have happily burgered and fried his way to an early grave.
Boom!
It was just a shame that he had to tempt that petty bastard Murphy.
"Oh, you motherfuckers…" Lee scowled, peeking through the blinds. He waved his hand and all of a sudden, every human in the room went stock still, their eyes glowing red, "Party's over! Everyone get the fuck out! That bitch decided to send her goon squad after us,"
Oh shit… A phantom pain ached in Issei's chest – he still wasn't over Yuuma's betrayal… Does that mean–?
"Mercedes, make sure the humans are invisible – don't want the crows makin' a turkey shoot outta them. Rest of you, with me!" Lee immediately took charge, the 180 from his usual personality giving Issei whiplash. Before he even realized it, Issei was following him out the front door.
A glowing spear stuck out from the ground near the trailer, shredding what was left of the lawn.
"Firs' dey ruin my truck… now they ruin my grandpappies' party," Billy-Joel grumbled from behind, "I'm gon' kill'em,"
The setting sun threatened to blind Issei until it was covered by a series of moving shadows. Faint flapping could be heard from up above. He squinted…
Three figures, two very beautiful women, one blond, petite, and covered by a form-fitting french maid dress. The other, well…
Thost tits are bigger than her head… I think I found heaven! I can die happy–Whack!
Lee smacked the back of Issei's head, breaking him out of his reverie. Ow!
Oh, right. There was an ugly bastard playing Sherlock between them wearing the most cringe-worthy fedora known to man. Fuck did he hate that tag so much! At least have the common courtesy of taking a fucking shower before defiling a waifu – Issei had standards for his NTR…
Or better yet, be a femboy… His traitorous subconscious added.
Hmm… Maybe he wasn't as straight as he had thought.
Issei thought back to the second fallen's beautiful breasticles… Hmm, yep, definitely still straight–
Lee elbowed him, "Focus,"
Eep!
Right! He thought back to that fight earlier…
Whoosh!
…Turns out that bringing out his sacred gear was much easier the second time around, who knew!? And now that he got a closer look at it – fuck, did it look badass! With all its dragon scales and spikes, ready to fuck shit up; it was straight out of an anime!
"Hmph! They don't look like much," The petite almost-loli huffed.
Now that just hurt Issei's ego…
"We're only after the boy, Mittelt," The buxom beauty with blue hair gestured toward.
Me?
…Nevermind! Issei's ego was back in business!
She flipped her hair, "The rest don't matter. Though… The big one," She glanced toward Billy-Joel, "I think he's the devil that gave Ray her black eye. Dohnaseek, any thoughts?"
"I'd keep an eye on the one with the wife-beater," Ugly Bastard curled his lip in Cletus' general direction, "He clearly knows some sort of magic… and the brown one too, in the distance–"
"Hey!" All three fallen stopped their yammering and glared down toward Lee, who floated up to meet them at eye level "I'll tell ya what… I hate's ya, and I want's ya gone from my crib… Now we can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way – The choice is yours."
Issei instinctively covered his rear at the tone of voice, despite never hearing about the legend of the Booty Warrior.
Some things were just sacred for all men.
"And you think you can talk to us like that, commoner?" The petite one made a cutesy pose, "Just hand over the boy with [Twice Critical] and maybe… just maybe… we'll let you live~"
"It would be wise not to make enemies of us, commoner.~" The buxom one added with a sultry voice, "Our patience has limi–"
"Alright–alright, hold yer horses there, thots," Lee cut them off, "Lemme repeat myself since y'all nitwit motherfuckers clearly rode the short bus here," He gestured all around, "This is my territory, or in kindergarten dumb-dumb words, my house," before his hand stuck straight out toward the horizon, "And that's the door…"
"…Get the fuck out."
Ugly Bastard remained impassive, the little one rolled her eyes, and the buxom one…
Did she just grope her own tits?
"If you devils insist on making things difficult for yourselves…. Be our guests." Suddenly, Ugly Bastard threw a spear toward Mercedes. Issei didn't notice in time because Hot Woman, Monkey Brain Want Bang-Bang!
"Hard way it is…" Lee sighed, shaking his head.
But, before the spear could land, a bright flash occurred. Cletus practically teleported right next to Mercedes, and the weapon seemingly froze in time.
Then, it flew backward at lightning speed – the buxom one was caught in the crossfire,
"Kalawarner!" the petite one cried.
You can do this, Issei… He clenched his fist.
The buxom one made a beeline towards Cletus while Billy-Joel leapt to clobber the Ugly Bastard – Issei took in a deep breath.
Do this…
His eyes zeroed in on the petite one, who was the least prepared of the fallen. Maybe he would be able to…
Do this FOR OPPAI!
[Boost!]
…
Billy-Joel was having the time of his life!
Sure, his fists tingled a bit from punchin', but the stupid fallen was bleeding, so it was worth it.
And the bastard deserved it too! He had black, feathery wings, just like the bitch that ruined his beautiful baby – of course, he had to be the bad guy! What other explanation was there?
The fallen tried to poke him with his glowing stick, but Billy-Joel was faster and got a hold of his wing before he could try.
"Let me go!" He screamed.
"Hmm… Nah!" Billy-Joel slammed him into the ground and yanked him up. The hat was nowhere to be seen, lost in the mud, "'Ow do ya like dat!? Huh!?" He taunted.
"Unhand me, barbarian!" The fallen tried prying Billy-Joel's iron grip in vain.
Barbar… What's dat word? Bar… Barber? Billy-Joel's two withered brain cells made an entirely incorrect, yet perfectly productive connection. Is he making fun of my baldness!?
Rage… Pure, unbridled, animalistic rage flowed through Billy-Joel's veins… His grip tightened and his muscles flexed… The fallen suddenly went dead silent, fearful for his life.
How dare he make fun of me!
Yet, the fallen had already crossed a line, and there was no going back.
Billy-Joel grabbed the other wing so hard that he could hear a few cracks and pounded him toward the ground hard enough to make a muddy crater. The half-conscious fallen barely had time to scream in agony before he was catapulted through a dozen trees.
Wait… What was the fallen's name again?
"Don't call me Baldy, STUPID DONUT MAN! RRRAAAAGHHHH!"
Of course!
Billy-Joel gave chase, ready to make Dohnaseek more bruise than man.
And as the great and not late Mister T once said, I pity the fool…
…
Ack! A light spear just barely grazed Cletus' hip – it stung like a wasp from heaven, What the hell's this bitch made of!? She got clapped by that dude's spear…
…not in the fun way either.
Cletus dodged yet another spear, doing loopty-loops mid-air in the face of Kalawarner's unrelenting attacks.
Fwoosh! Fwoosh!
He sent a couple of fireballs back at her, but they only stuck stray feathers as she zipped around quicker than lightning.
They were practically in a standstill, if you considered flying up and down and all around like a methed-up hummingbird standing still. Both were evenly matched and if Cletus didn't do something quickly, he didn't know how long he would last. For every spell he pulled out his ass, Kalawarner would respond by trying to make him a holy pincushion.
What the hell do I do? He needed an in, and his sacred gear itched for action…
And so…
Flash!
A blurred figure appeared out of nowhere, throwing a mid-air roundhouse kick straight at the fallen's head. She plummeted down–
Crash!
–and now there was a crater where Old Man Higgins' shed once stood.
Oh… shit… Cletus lamented, Looks like there ain't gon' be no more 'shine for us…
A shame. A real, real shame…
Cletus squinted, trying to hone in on who was his savior…
"Howdy!"
…He was staring into a mirror.
Damn… Somehow, he wasn't surprised it was him that ruined his future moonshines prospects. Never let it be said that Cletus wasn't aware of the… shortcomings in his judgment.
Future-him motioned to follow; Cletus started floating down towards the incapacitated fallen. Before she could get herself together and attack, Cletus whipped out a binding spell and locked up every one of her joints tighter than Fort Knox.
[Bind]
"Ahhhn~" She moaned.
Somehow, despite barely knowing the boy, Cletus knew that Issei would get a kick out of this one. Not him, though – the fallen may have been easy on the eyes, but that personality was one hell of a turn off. Too many experiences sticking dick in crazy – it was a pavlovian response to avoid the type at this point.
"Sheesh… It's tragic," Future-him tsked, putting Cletus' thoughts to words, "such beautiful looks wasted on some party-crashin' bitch… A real shame, dis one…"
"Mhm…" Cletus hummed, not really paying attention since he was busy checking the integrity of the spell. It always paid to be paranoid, especially with peer-level opponents.
Another tingle from his sacred gear…
"Here," Future-him budged in, picking up the fallen before Cletus had the chance, "Lemme have 'er; It's almost 'bout yer time anyway…"
"Really," Cletus looked down at [Tempus Cēdit] to see that it was counting down, 13… 12… 11… "Huh…"
Future-him threw the now unconscious fallen over his shoulder like a sack of rotten potatoes.
10… 9…
"Ya sure ya got 'er?"
8… 7… 6…
"Yeah, I do!" Future-him gave a thumbs up with his free hand, "n' you will too – Go git 'er tiger!" He shouted, rocketing off to the sky.
5… 4…
Cletus stretched his legs, and bolted up with a whoosh! He hoped this time, he wouldn't hit the shed, but that was just wishful thinking. Fate was a real stubborn bitch, after all.
3… 2… 1…
He positioned himself where the fallen once was, and threw his meanest bull kick.
[Rollback!]
A bright flash, and he felt his hoot strike true on fallen flesh and bone.
…
Lee stood back comfortably and watched as Issei gunned for the smaller, blond fallen – Milly, he thought her name was… or something like that.
Telegraphed strike after telegraphed strike, it was clear the boy was inexperienced, but he wasn't lacking in gung-ho. To be fair, it wasn't like the fallen could get much in either, as Issei either dodged the spears entirely, or they just bounced off his fuck-heug gauntlet.
But, it only took one mistake to break the equilibrium, and unfortunately, it was Issei who slipped by overextending his fix. The fallen jumped at the opportunity to get a hit at his wings – Issei tumbled down from the sky, having lost his balance.
Lee shook his head, Still got a lot to learn, boyo…
"I'll never be brought down by the likes of you!" She huffed, channeling the power of little shits around the world. A new spear formed in her hands – she chucked it towards Issei's prone body, "Die, devil!"
Should I IRL shitpost?
…Eh, fuck it, I'll shitpost.
"Nice argument, unfortunately…" Lee waved his hand, a telekinetic wave knocked the spear off course, striking a fence instead, "Issei's the Chad and you… you are the beta cuck Soyjak."
She squinted, "Chad? Soyjak? What the fuck are you talking about, Commoner–?"
"Observe!" Lee clenched his fist, and the fallen was pinned mid-air by a red energy. Meanwhile, Issei pulled himself up, and he looked positively cheerful! At least, that was what Lee believed – what with the glowing eyes, grinding teeth, and oppressive energy and all!
[Boost!]
…
[Boost!]
…
[Boost!]
…
It was at this moment that Mittelt knew…
"Uh oh…"
Whoosh!
…She fucked up.
Issei instantly appeared beside her – Lee let her loose. She tried to strike Issei, but it was too late for her. He snatched her by the hair and started wailing on her like no tomorrow.
It was something straight out of Drag-So Ball! He just kept on punching and punching and punching.
[Boost!]
All the while, a voice came from the gauntlet, announcing to the world that not only was he not finished, but he was gonna fuck you twice as hard. Issei was one hell of an overpowered catch for Lee's dinky little peerage; he almost felt bad for the fallen.
Almost.
And speaking of her – there really wasn't much of a fallen to pity anymore. Through the flurry of punches, Issei couldn't even recognize any features anymore – just the occasional splatter of blood that flew out.
For the final coup de force, Issei then threw a punch through the mass that emitted shockwaves, shattering nearby windows. He finally slowed down, and Lee could finally see what remained: A headless, limbless torso that had Issei's gauntlet through its guts.
"Damn… That's metal as fuck…" Lee let slip from his lips.
"W-w-w-wha–" The oppressive aura immediately gave way to a boy's shock, "WHAAAA–!?" He started trying to pry the torso off his arm.
Oh boy… "Issei, slow down–"
"WAAH! Oh fuck! Get it off get it off get it off!" Failing that, Issei started trying to shake it off – throwing blood and guts everywhere. Yet it stuck on stubbornly.
"–Hold still!" A fireball appeared in Lee's hand, "Lemme burn 'er off!"
Issei didn't listen, "Ew! Ew! Ewwwwww! Kimo-Kimoi!" He threw his arm toward the ground. A piece of small intestine flew right in the air…
"Issei, listen to m–Ack" Straight into Lee's mouth…
Unsurprisingly, it tasted worse than Cletus' beers – or in common parlance, shit.
"Blegh! Hurk!" He emptied his dinner straight onto the ground – the vomit failed to wash the taste out of his mouth, it only made it worse. Lee lost his concentration and the fireball fizzled out.
Oh cruel karma! Fuck!
Lee's newfound food poisoning distracted him enough that he didn't notice that Issei was still freaking the fuck out. As Issei still tried in vain to throw the damn torso away, his gauntlet started glowing red.
Then, in the most disgustingly sheep-buggerish Welsh accent possible…
[Explosion!]
For a visual on what happened to Mittelt's corpse nest, imagine a bug hitting the windshield… of a Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird going flying at mach 3. It wasn't a pretty sight, but it certainly had done the job, even if the stains weren't washing out of their clothes any time soon.
"Issei…" Lee stared blankly, covered head to toe in fallen blood, "…You know I could have burned it off you, right?"
Issei, equally shocked, goggled back at Lee, "Is it… always like this?"
"Hmm… Yeah. Fightin's a messy business, 'specially against strays – nasty fuckers – but a lot of spells could cause blood n' guts to fly. It's kinda why we don't bring our good clothes out to these things."
"But… I don't… These are my only clothes here" Issei looked over his torn school uniform, which was already stained by the stray blood and mud from earlier, but now caked in fallen entrails.
"Eh…" Lee shrugged, unconcerned, "You can borrow some from Mercedes, you're roundabout the same size as him…"
Then, a faint whistling could be heard up above. Lee glanced up and saw a tiny black dot rapidly approaching his location. With only a half-second to spare, he dodged as Dohnaseek plummeted, making a crater out of the dirt street.
Seconds later, Billy-Joel appeared out of thin air with a toothy grin on his face.
"Hot damn, Blowjob! Watch where yer aimin' next time!" Lee squawked.
Billy-Joel bashfully scratched the back of his bald head, "Ah sorry, Lee… A-ah'll be careful…"
"You better…" Lee huffed, crouching down where the fallen landed.
Surprisingly enough, despite basically having every conceivable bone broken in his body, Dohnaseek was…
"Well I'll be blessed, he's breathin'," Lee muttered in astonishment.
Billy-Joel looked at him like it was obvious, "Well duh! I needs at leas' one alive so I could find out where dat bitch went…"
What kinda bullshit Twilight Zone bizarro world did I end up in? He's never this thoughtful! I feel bad for the guy who stole his idiot ball.
"Make that two!" Cletus announced, floating down from the tree line with the unconscious body of Kalawarner over his shoulder, "Bitch gave me a hard time…"
Issei, of course, was fixated on her… assets.
"Oh, you can give me a hard time…" He muttered unconsciously.
Lee slapped him on the back of the head.
"Ow! The fuck was that for?" Issei whined.
"Don't say shit like that – It's how ya get MeToo-ed. You'll thank me in 7 or so years…"
"Wait, what?" Issei's face twisted up, "You're telling me to hide who I am? To hide my love and devotion to the greatest part of a woman's divine anatomy, Oppa–"
Lee slapped Issei again, "Yeah… there's such a thing as bein' too honest, my guy. And I don't got dat Weinstein–Epstein–Hollywood money to cover your ass when the lawsuits come," A glint appeared in Lee's eyes, "Don't test me on this."
"B-But-" Lee raised his hand again, "...okay…" Issei let his head down dejectedly.
"Ah, come on…" Lee patted Issei's back, "Don't be so mopey, we still got a party to finish. Also–" He looked toward the Latino, who just finished magically reversing the damage to the Robertson trailer caused by the battle, "Mercedes, you mind usin' some of yer… communication techniques to find out where the bitch is at?"
"¡Con mucho gusto!" With a wave of his hand, Mercedes, Dohnaseek, and Kalawarner vanish to parts unknown… and best left unknown.
"Alright, everyone in their right places?" Lee looked around.
"Yep!/Uh-huh!/Hai!" Everyone except the absent Mercedes replied.
The humans, now back in the trailer, were practically statues from how still they were, their eyes still glowing red. They won't remember any of what happened, Lee made sure of it.
"Good… good…" Lee lit up the candles on the new cake, a replica of the old one, "Alright, showtime in three… two… one…"
Lee snapped his fingers, and all the humans started moving again, losing the red glint.
"Happy Birthday to you~,"
"Happy Birthday to you~,"
"Happy Birthday Dear Jim-Bob~"
"Happy Birthday to you~..."
Once again, Grandpa Roberston blew out the candles and everyone whooped and cheered, none the wiser of what went down for the past two hours. For the rest of the evening, the peerage enjoyed themselves – drinking drinks and talking talks with the townsfolk of Bainesborough.
Somehow, someway, Issei charmed one of the girls (even more surprisingly, one of the better-looking ones) enough for them to be giving him bedroom eyes. She took him 'round behind the trailer, and Lee pretended not to hear what was going on.
Fifteen minutes later, missing a shirt, but wearing the biggest shit-eating grin of the ages, Issei strolled right back in like he owned the world.
Now let's hope that devil immunity includes the clap, or he's in for a rude awakening next time he visits the john … Lee chuckled into his tenth beer of the night.
Now, it was getting late, and almost everyone was either in bed, or going home.
Then…
"That crow bitch is in Kansas!" Mercedes burst through the front door.
"Kansas? The fuck she doin' there? There aint nothin' but corn and tornadoes in Kansas," Cletus commented.
Yeah! Why couldn't she be in Texas with the steers and queers!?
"And how the hell are we gon' get to Kansas anyway!?" Lee asked, "Blowjob's truck is fucked,"
"Actually, fellers!" A voice came out the window, Lee peeked and saw one of Billy-Joel's many uncles standing outside, "–I got a car righ' 'ere y'all can borrow free o' charge! Come out!"
"Thanks, Uncle Earl!" Billy-Joel's face lit up like a Christmas tree, and he was the very first to rush out the door. The rest of the devils quickly followed from behind.
Suddenly, Uncle Earl threw the keys toward Cletus… yet… there was a problem. There was more than one car parked next to the trailer, and the old keys didn't have a fob.
Cletus raised his hand, "Uh, sir… which one's yer car again?..."
"Oh!" The old uncle gave a toothless smile, "It's dat one – righ' over dere!"
The one he pointed to… well… It made an old, Soviet Lada look like a BMW straight from the factory line. It was a little piece of shit Pontiac that was so rusted it was barely holding on to its own fenders.
Yet, nobody had the heart, nor the balls, to tell Uncle Earl how sigogglin his ride was…
"Which one of you'ns fucked up mah 'shine shed!?"
And besides, it was the best they're gonna get – and they had to get out now, lest they face the wrath of Old Man Higgins.
Nobody fucked with Old Man Higgins.
Lee's Peerage Profile
…
Lee Adams Dougherty (Real Name: Adrammelech Ó Dochartaigh)
KING
Birthday: March 1st (17 + 20 from previous life)
Sacred Gear: N/A
Once a regular dude, now reborn into a miserable devil commoner family, he took initiative against his circumstances and staked out a new life in Kentucky.
"You know, compared to ass cancer, this really ain't that bad,"
…
Cletus Orion Green
QUEEN
Birthday: December 30th (19, but "21" when buying booze)
An average hillbilly feller who stumbled into the supernatural world (and Lee) after discovering his time-breaking gift.
Sacred Gear: 絡繰り時計将軍 (lit. meaning – "Commander of the Clockwork") – テンパス·ケーディト – [Tempus Cēdit] ("Time Yields") – Allows the user to Manipulate time in a variety of ways. Manifests initially as a wristwatch, but later [SPOILERS]
"I'm four timelines ahead of ya… Now lemme get my beer,"
…
Billy-Joel Ernest Robertson (Nickname: Blowjob)
1st ROOK
Birthday: June 19th (18)
Sacred Gear: None
While lacking in book-smarts, this good ol' boy certainly makes up for it in spirit, brawn, and a huge family.
"Whoever broke mah truck gon' pay!"
…
Mercedes María Antonio Manuel Schrader-Vasquez
1st BISHOP
Birthday: August 12th (17)
Sacred Gear: None
A Puerto Rican boy with a mysterious past involving certain magicians' groups, before his father was cast out for unexplained reasons.
"¡Harry Potter no es jodidamente nadie! ¡Soy el auténtico!"
…
Issei Hyoudou (兵藤 一誠 – Hyōdō Issei)
PAWN (Recently Added)
Birthday: April 16th (17)
Sacred Gear: 赤龍帝の籠手 (lit. meaning "The Red Dragon Emperor's Gauntlet") – ブーステッド･ギア – [Boosted Gear] – Doubles the wielder's power after every boost. Manifests initially as a gauntlet, but later appears as full armor.
Part of Kuoh's infamous Perverted Trio, this boy is the living definition of "horny on main". Perhaps a dragon might make things better?
"Hehehe… Bewbs…"
…
POSITIONS LEFT OPEN:
1st KNIGHT
2nd KNIGHT
2nd ROOK
2nd BISHOP
AN: Little longer chapter this time, see you on the next one (which should hopefully come within a reasonable time frame of "ever").