Last Night Here
Ryan wants it to end, but someone is holding on too tight. Troy/Ryan. Implied character death (read it anyway. Angst is good for you).
HSMHSMHSMHSMHSMHSM
Troy is whispering something. Empty words. Apologies.
Ryan turns to face the blank beige wall. He hates that wall. He's been staring at it for months. He's not sure how long he's been here, but he knows it won't be much longer. Each breath he takes is shorter than the last and, eventually, there won't be another breath. He hopes it comes soon.
Troy is holding his hand tightly. Ryan can feel his rushing pulse beneath his cold fingers. He feels so alive. His own pulse is slow and sluggish. Troy grips his hand tighter and Ryan wishes he would let go.
It's been such a long time. Ryan is ready to go. He wants to go, but Troy is holding onto his hand too damn tight. He doesn't want to be the first to let go. He doesn't want to trade Troy for death, he wants Troy to make that choice for him, but he knows he won't. Troy won't let him go, even when he lets go of Ryan's hand. Troy doesn't know how to let go. He's a fighter, but he can't see that there's nothing left to fight for. Ryan is dead; he just hasn't stopped breathing yet.
He shouldn't feel guilty for dying, but he does.
It's coming too soon now. He wanted it to end, but he was wrong. He's not ready for this; he's not ready to go.
Please, please, please, give me more time with him. Let me say good-bye.
Troy doesn't realize what's about to happen, but Ryan is glad he's there to hold his hand. He can't see anything and Troy's vacant words are only in his head now.
It is dark and quiet here. He doesn't want to be this alone. He wants to go back; he wants his hospital bed and his blank beige wall.
But it's done now.
When Ryan wakes up he's covered in sweat. He's breathing heavily and so very thankful for the lungs that can hold air. Troy is beside him, still asleep. His shifts in his sleep and curls up closer to Ryan's side. His breathing is labored and he's shivering in the sweltering room. Ryan wraps his arms around him and prays.
Please let it be me instead.
He wants to be able to let go, for Troy, but he can't, not yet. He's not ready for this; he's not ready for Troy to go.
So tonight he will hold him. And he will whisper the words he won't have the strength to say in the morning.
So now I scream
And hope it's a dream
It's hard just to breathe
When we said goodbye
HSMHSMHSMHSMHSMHSM
Hmm. So this is nothing like I meant it to be. No one was supposed to actually die/be dying outside of the dream sequence. My bad… Well, tell me what you thought. Please! I live on reviews. I have nothing else. Seriously. I am all alone in the world.
The title is from the Kill Hannah song "Last Night Here," and the lyrics at the end are from the Kill Hannah song "Scream." Both songs are really quite depressing. I blame them for this fic.