Chapter 2

The next morning, I woke up, laying in bed reflecting on what all had happened yesterday. I was twenty-two years old, college graduate, but I still did not have complete satisfaction. I realized more than ever that all I had done up to this point was completely worthless if I did not have my whole family there with me to share it, and to see how much I had changed from that once wistful little girl who was just struggling to keep her younger brothers and sisters alive. Tom's face appeared in my mind, smiling that sad sort of smile as if he understood right then and there my dilemma.

As if a lightbulb had appeared above my head, the solution came instantly to me. I would go to Georgia and visit Tom. I flashed back to his recent letter that he wrote me, telling me that he was truly happy now. He worked at Pa's circus as well as went to school. I hated seeing him at that silly circus, for I didn't want him to end up like Pa, an idiot who dropped out of school before he reached the fifth grade. Women who looked at Pa when he was dressed in his best, and when he talked like a gentleman would not speculate about the hillbilly within. But I was not easily fooled by Pa's charms, for I resented him for selling off his children when the going got tough, to have us abused in different ways. The only two Casteel children who got off unscathed were Keith and Jane, who had the most loving parents out of the whole lot.

As much as I wanted for Pa to accept me so I could forgive him, I was hurt that he never even made a single move to contact me, despite the fact that he had my address. What hurt the most was that he had enough love for his new wife and child, Tom, and even Fanny, but he couldn't at least show a little love, a little bit of feeling that he did not resent me because I killed his angel, my mother.

I shrugged off the chill. Yes, that was exactly what I would do, I would visit Tom, then travel back to the Willies to visit Fanny. And perhaps Stacie and Drake, for Drake was my half brother. And I couldn't fault him for Pa's lack of affection toward me. And as much as I tried to hate her, I couldn't help but like Stacie, for she showed nothing but kindness toward me, and thanked me considerable in the notes she sent to me whenever I sent Drake some sort of present or another. I recalled back to that single time that I met her, how I could see how she was so much in love with Pa, stars shining in her eyes. She was just like my mother, fallen for Luke Casteel's charms and blinded toward his unmentionable side that was just as wild and uncaring as the rest of him. I could easily see why Pa married Stacie, for she was blonde and blue eyed, just like my mother whom he still loved. And I remembered Stacie remarking on Pa's love for my mother as well, a look of sadness in her eyes tinted briefly as she realized why Luke Casteel had fallen for her in the first place. But overall she appeared happy.

I climbed out of my bed, stretching, getting ready to start my day. I would go down to breakfast and sit down along with Tony and Jillian, and calmly tell them that I had decided to go and visit my family, the hillbilly relatives that he had so often displayed disinterest and disgust whenever I mentioned them. The only ones that he like for me to talk to were Keith and Jane, which was only because Keith and Jane had grown up in a respectable home, with respectable parents, not at all and reminiscent dreams about the dreaded mountains were we grew up, which he wanted to hear nothing off.

When I had dressed and downstairs at the dining room table, as expected Tony didn't understand why I wanted to go to associate with my hillbilly family.

"But why would you want to go back to the past, Heaven? You have everything going for you here, your life revolves around here?" Tony said, openly distraught. I was no longer scarred of him, for the years before, I was scarred of him kicking me out before I graduated from college. And over the years, I sort of gained a love of him. But the thought of me leaving him now, especially since Jillian was so wrapped up in her own reality and determination to stay young, left him sad because he had no one. And so he tried everything he could to keep me with him, to posses me in a frightening way the appalled, frightened, and yet intrigued me.

"Now that you've graduated, you and I could go on vacation somewhere, perhaps Greece, and spend some time together," he grasped at straws, trying to bait me into staying with him. I flinched as he mentioned Greece, remembering that it was where Troy and I were going to go on our honeymoon, when we were engaged years ago.

I stubbornly shook my head. "No, Tony," I stated firmly. I never could bring myself forth to call him father, as I just could not think of him in those terms. He may have provided for me, and in his own way loved me like a father, I just couldn't acknowledge him as that. "I can't go with you. Long ago, I promised myself that I would bring my family together once again, and perhaps finally make amends with Pa." I could see the desperation in his eyes, as it scarred me how much he didn't' want me to leave. All the more reason for me to leave, for I did not like the way that he clung to me, the look that was sometimes in his eyes whenever he looked at me. It was as if he loved me too much. "Besides, I need a change in scenery, for I'm laden with too much sadness around here. Too many unwanted memories…" Too many memories of Troy.

Tony looked deeply puzzled. "But I though that you were truly happy here? Was I wrong to think that?" I shook my head vigorously. "No Tony, living here was more than I could possibly dream. I thank you for supporting my education and my needs. But I need to venture out on my own now, get my footing firmly on the ground, to see what my next step is going to be."

He sighed deeply, resignation sounding in his voice that I noticed. He finally understood that no amount of pleading could change my mind. He as well could not threaten me anymore about kicking me out, or not giving me another penny, for one I was an adult now, I had a degree behind my name. And money wasn't a desperate factor anymore, for over the years, I had saved up money in a checking and savings account (money that Tony could not touch), and had saved up a considerably large amount. Pretty good for a Casteel, I thought.

"When are you leaving?" he said, his eyes more than sad now that it made me sad to see his defeated expression, for the powerful Tony Tatterton was never easily defeated. I held my ground firmly, for I would not fall for his earnest expression, for I had fallen into the habit too much of letting him control and persuade me too much. "Tomorrow morning I wanna set out. Which means that I'm going to need Beth to help me load up my car." My car, I thought gleefully. Tony had brought me a brand new white Jaguar as a graduation present, which he surprised me with after my episode in Troy's cabin.

He nodded. "How long do you plan on going?"

I hadn't thought of that. "I don't know. How long it takes me, I guess." On the opposite side of Tony, Jillian scrunched up her nose as if something foul was smelling. "Why would you want to go back there?" She snarled. "Seriously Heaven, I don't understand why you would want to affiliate with those people who have no definite class." She sounded really nasty about it, showing more discontent toward me than she ever did. Normally she ignored me, or subtly showed her displeasure, but never outright showed a nasty side. Even Tony looked at her with disclosure. "Jillian-" he began, but I cut them off.

"They may not have the class that you approve of Grandmother, but they are my family and I love them regardless." She flinched at the forbidden word that I used, which she hated as it signed how old she was. I wiped my mouth and stood up, Curtis moving forth to take my plate of half eaten breakfast. "Excuse me now, but I'm going upstairs to pack." As I made my way up the stairs, Tony was right behind me. "Heaven," I turned back to him, watching his face twisted in pain. "Please disregard Jillian. She isn't in her right mind these days. She didn't mean-" but he stopped. He was about to say She didn't mean it, but she did. She always resented the fact that I'd come and disrupted her carefully predicted and perfected life.

He sighed, that sorrow in his eyes once again. "I'm going to miss you." He reached out to brush a strand of my black hair back, his fingers lingering. On the side of my face. I began to grow uneasy underneath his scrutiny, and the glassiness that came into his eyes, as if he were suddenly transported into a different place. I moved his hand away from my face, his eyes suddenly losing its glassiness. Then brightness replaced the sadness. "I know! Lets spend one last day together in Boston before you leave…It could be like a father/daughter trip!" I flinched from his choice of words, but he pretended not to notice. "I don't know, I need to call my family and let the know that I'm coming, along with packing…"

He waved his hand, "You can do that later. Come on, it'll be fun. It's the last time in a while I suppose that we'll be able to go out on a trip like this." He seemed to have sensed my breaking down, and pounced on the weakness. "It's the least that you could do after leaving me here all by myself."

I frowned. "First of all, I'm not leaving you, I'm leaving to find my own place in this world. Second of all, you are not going to be here by yourself. You have Jillian and a whole mansion full of servants. You'll hardly be alone."

He shook his head. "It won't be the same. Jillian isn't what she use to be anymore, and the servants are hardly comparable to your presence. Please, Heaven, for me?" I could see in his eyes his desperateness and pleading that he probably did not even know was there. Because to the public eye, Tony Tatterton did not plead to or for anyone. And I guess that revelation was what pushed me to my response. "Ok. I guess it could be fun." A smile broke out onto his face. For some reason, I felt that I was staring into the smile of the devil.

I had to admit to myself latter riding back in the limo that I did have fun. Tony had taken me to the mall in Boston where he bought me practically a whole new wardrobe which I tried to decline, but it was like trying to convince a rock. I guess that was why he was such a successful businessman. Though it was so strange how Tony was so accumulated to women's fashions, when most men from what I could tell could care less. I though vaguely back to the time when Tony had dressed me for my days in high school. Of course, I stood out like a sore thumb, as nobody dressed the way that I did. In fact, they dressed in mostly jeans and t-shirts. That was part of the reason of why I had such a rough time there. I moreover vowed to never do the same thing to my child if I should ever have one.

Soon after shopping, he took me to dinner at Cecil's, a very exclusive and expensive restaurant in the Boston area that only the finest of society dined at [of course, I could have given a lesser care, for I would have been happy the same at a McDonalds.

Later, he took me to the movies, where he let me pick what we would watch, which was a comedy that kept us in an uplifting mood.

Now sitting in the dark interior of the limousine, it seemed as if we had run out of things to say, for the reason for this trip had sunk back on top of us like a black cloud. I felt prickles on the back of my neck and looked over at Tony to find him staring thoughtfully at me. I shifted a bit underneath his close scrutiny.

He sighed. "Are you sure that you want to leave here? You have a home and a family here, where you are more than welcomed here."

"My home is back in Winnerrow. And my family-" I broke off, thinking of Tom, Fanny, Keith, Our Jane, Grandpa, and even Pa. "My family, the family that I grew up to love, is not here. And I need to find them, and hopefully we could all become as close as we were growing up. I need this Tony, and I truly appreciate all that you've done for me over the years. But…..its time for me to go."

His eyes peered at me with curious eyes, his features contorted in a way that I couldn't read. He dissected me visibly in a way that made me a bit uncomfortable. I felt as if he were searching for a weakness in me. I was satisfied the least when I knew he wouldn't find one.

"Exactly what are you going to do when you get to----"

"Winnerrow. Well, I'm going to go to the local school that I attended, and try to see if I could get a job there.:"

He frowned his nose distastefully. "Why would you want a job, there? When the pay is low and the conditions not suitable for you." I flinched in anger. "Conditions not suitable for me? It was where I grew up, where I sought out an education growing up. Those children need me, bottom line. So what if the pay isn't as grand as it would be here? That place is just a part of me, and as much as you want to strip that part of my life of me, you can't." I was tired of having the same discussion over and over again. I wanted to change the subject. "So how's business at Tatterton Toys?" It was a bad change of subject, but I had nothing else better to say.

"Well, business couldn't be better right now, although there has been a higher need of demand over the past few weeks that requires me to be at the office a bit more than I use to be. And because of that, Jillian is complaining more than ever." He sighed.

"Speaking of Jillian, is it just me, or has she seem to have…. I don't know….change over the last few weeks?" He frowned. "How do you mean? Because Jillian is just as she always is. Hard to believe that is the same woman that I married 20 years ago." He shook his head.

The car pulled into the circular driveway in front of the house and the driver proceeded to help Tony and I out of the car. Tony disappeared into the house after muttering something about having to take care of business deals. Berlina, my personal maid, helped me with my packages up to my room. "Berlina, tomorrow, I'm leaving to go out of town, and I need you to help me load up the car early tomorrow morning, around seven."

She nodded her head. "Yes ma'am. Do you need help packing, miss?" I shook my head. "No, I'll do that myself tonight."

"Very well. Would you like for me to tell the cook to prepare you something special?"

"Just tell Bart to prepare me something for on the road. I wanna leave as soon as I can." Berlina asked no more questions, and after getting the signal that was all, she proceeded to leave the room.

I walked over to my window, the window that overlooked the garden maze. My eyes traced the pattern, and own their own, sought out the little storybook cottage that sat on the edge. It was dark, and forlorn. No light spilling out of its windows, or smoke coming out of its chimney. Just still as if it were dead. A shudder went through me. Oh, Troy. Why did you have to leave me? But I very well knew the answer. The love we felt for each other was so strong, so unexpected at first. Our love was the kind that could test the change of time, that burned with passion and desire. I thought of the many months we snuck around, stealing every free moment we possibly could to succumb to our passion. Whenever we made love….it was like a fire that was burning internally in both of us that we tried so hard to tame. There was not way to deny our calling to each other's bodies.

Troy made love to me like no other [in other words, very different, and more pleasurable than Cal Dennison.
A tear slid down my cheek unchecked. Damn Jillian for telling Troy the truth. The truth that was so wretched, that it should have repulsed me, but instead, made me want to hold on to Troy all the more in fear that he would turn me away. The fact that Troy was my uncle was not lost upon me. Nor was the fact that he had special ways turn me away from him. I loved him still.

Damn Jillian for her jealousness and obsessive control for eternal youth. Damn Tony for raping my mother, resulting in me without a mother's love and wisdom, and a forever band against the man I loved. And out of sheer anger and despair, I damned Troy for leaving me, when I knew he loved me, as did I love him.

I had no choice but to leave. The reasons that I told Tony the reason for my departure were true, but the real motivations behind them was the fact that it hurt too much to be on the property that Troy once inhabited. It hurt to see that lonesome cottage no longer with his presence, or the sound of him hammering away on his latest invention of a Tatterton original toy.

I had to get away from it all, and start anew. Only then would the sorrows I experienced here at the manor would only begin to disperse.