Author: monicaxrohrer
Date: May 18, 2005
Distribution: XFMU, Don't Not Believe. Anyone else, please ask.
Rating: PG
Category: Follmer/Reyes UST/RST
Timeline: pre-X-Files, 1995
Spoilers: "Empedocles"
Beta: Cassie
Disclaimer: If you recognize it, I don't own it. All X-Files characters belong to Chris Carter, Ten-
Thirteen Productions and 20th Century FOX Broadcasting.
Summary: A case involving a missing girl, similar to the Luke Doggett case, becomes too much for Monica Reyes.
Author's Note: This was written for the "First Kiss" challenge from You Know I'm On Your Side Challenge. Enjoy.
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This is too much.
Monica Reyes bursts through the door on the roof of the FBI Field Office in New York City. She takes a deep breath and walks to the edge.
The door slams behind her.
She shuts her eyes and allows the wind around her to consume her mind.
She covers her face with her hands. How much more of this can she take? She uncovers her eyes and looks out at the enormous city.
She's somewhere out there. She has to be.
Monica looks down at her purse and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.
Fuck trying to quit.
She pulls out a cigarette, despite wanting to quit and pops it in her mouth. She fumbles around inside her purse looking for her lighter.
Perfect, not there.
She throws the cigarette on the ground and lets out a sigh. She looks down at the city streets below.
Why did she decide to do this? Why become a FBI agent? Being a school teacher would have made her happier in life.
"Monica?" His voice is concerned.
Monica turns to face him. Brad Follmer closes the door behind him and comes towards her.
Monica looks down. She just ran out, not able to handle this case.
"Sir, I'm sorry, I-" It's useless trying to explain.
"Are you all right?" Brad asks.
"No." She speaks the truth, why bother hiding it.
"I know it's difficult-"
Monica rolls her eyes and shakes her head. He watches her.
"You don't know, Brad." Monica says, tears fill her eyes. "I can't do this any more. I can't go back in there. Day after day, looking into the sad eyes of Amber's parents, only to tell them that we have no further developments. I can't do this."
She turns away from him, her eyes looking out at the city. That little girl is somewhere out there.
"We've been working around the clock on this for three days." Monica says. "I haven't been able to sleep because when I do I have these nightmares that we never find her, and she's being tortured. I can't do this anymore. I'm not cut out for this job. I'm not-"
She feels Brad gently place his hand on her shoulder. She shuts her eyes and lets her tears fall down her cheek. She turns around and wraps her arms around his neck, resting her head on his shoulder.
Her actions surprise him, but he doesn't push her away.
"You're only human, Monica." Brad says in a soft voice.
Her grip tightens around him as she tries to fight her emotions and hold them back.
"It's when you become immune to this..." He continues. "That's when you know it's time to move on."
Monica listens.
"It's all right not to be able to handle this." Brad goes on. "Not many in this world can. That's why we're here. But if you honestly can't go on this way, that's all right. No one will fault you." He knows her fear. Almost.
"I can't do that." She says. "I can't fail that little girl. I can't-" She lets out a sigh. "I can't fail myself."
"It's not failure, Monica." Brad says and pulls away enough to look at her in the eyes.
"You've never failed in your life, have you?" She pulls away from him.
"In my own ways, yes." Brad answers. "Everyone has. We just have to know how to overcome those failures, learn from them, and move on."
"Easier said, than done." Monica says. "It seems that every time there is a case like this... I fail." She turns to face him. "Back in '93 I failed. You know which one I'm talking about. Luke Doggett."
Brad listens. He remembers the case all too well.
"Three days we were around the clock." Monica says. "And now again, with Amber, a seven year old girl... It's repeating again. And it will repeat again after this, and again, and again." She looks at him with red eyes from her tears.
Nothing is said for what seems like eternity.
"I can't go back down there and look into their eyes and tell them we can't find her." Monica says. "The accusations will happen all over again. I hate this, Brad. I hate seeing families fall apart because I can't do my job. I can't find her."
"It's not-" He tries to comfort her.
"-She's out there, Brad. Somewhere." Monica interrupts him. "I can't find her. I can't take this. I can't take the blame again. It's too hard."
Monica can feel her body becoming weak as she feels a break down approaching.
"It's all just a cycle." Her voice trembles as tears fall down her cheeks. "It's-"
She can't go on. Brad goes up to her once again and Monica pulls him to her, knowing she needs his support right now. She cries in his arms.
"Dammit." She's able to mutter, angry with herself for allowing her emotions to get the better of her again. She'd rather do this with no one around, locked in a bathroom so no one knows. Just like she did in 1993.
Monica cries harder for the next few minutes, not letting go of Brad. She needed him like this back in 1993 when Luke Doggett was kidnapped and murdered. She needed someone like him around when she felt like this. She cries more, glad that she can let all of the pain and emotions out and not have to hide it inside of her.
After a few minutes, she calms herself. Tears can't fall any more. She doesn't let go of him, and he doesn't try to let go of her.
They have been working together for a couple of years and this is the first time she has ever broken down in front of him. This is the first time she's let him in like this. She's been afraid to. They both sense there is something between them.
Monica pulls away from his shoulder and her lips meet his unexpectedly. The short kiss takes their breath away. Monica pulls away and looks down. She can't believe she just did that to her superior.
"Oh god..." She says in disbelief. "I-"
She cut off when her lips are met by his. She shuts her eyes and feels the passion coming from him. His passion for her is returned and Monica pulls him closer to her body.
After a moment they part.
"I'm sorry." Monica says, catching her breath. "I just-"
Brad smiles at her.
"It's okay." He says.
Monica smiles, and takes in a deep breath.
"Have you felt-"
"Yes." Brad answers her before she can finish.
"What does this mean?" Monica asks. "I mean, you're my..."
"I know." Brad says. He doesn't know how to answer, but he knows what he wants. "We shouldn't talk about this now though."
Monica nods her head. He's right. They need to focus on their job.
"I know." Monica says. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be." He says to her, as a small smile forms.
Monica looks at him.
"I feel better." She says, and she can't help the smile that forms on her face. Brad laughs softly.
"Are you going to be all right?" He asks, still concerned for her.
"I think so." She answers. "I guess I just needed to let everything out."
Brad smiles.
"It's good to talk about what is bothering you." He says.
"I know." Monica says. "Well, I know that now."
"You ready to head back in there?" Brad asks.
Monica takes in another deep breath and nods her head.
"I feel like a ton of bricks has just been lifted off of my shoulders."
Monica smiles at him and heads towards the door.
THE END.