Chapter 8

5 days later

Elizabeth stood at the nurse's station, trying…and trying…and trying to read a chart. She shook her head, attempting to clear the cobwebs in her mind, and focused her eyes on the medication instructions for what felt like the fiftieth time. She glanced at her watch – ten more minutes. Thank God.

Elizabeth switched gears, making the necessary chart notations to wrap up her shift. "Epiphany, that about covers it for today," Elizabeth stated, filing the last of her charts.

"Are you off this weekend?" Epiphany asked in a clipped tone as she folded her arms over her ample bosoms and looked down her nose at Elizabeth.

"Yes. Not sure what I did to earn two weekends in a row," Elizabeth stated, not noticing Epiphany's gaze as she continued her filing.

"Listen," Epiphany stated abruptly, causing Elizabeth to look up at her. "I'm not sure what's going on with you Nurse Webber, but I suggest you take the weekend to get your head screwed on straight. You have been walking around this hospital in a daze all week and I refuse to allow you to put my patients at risk."

"Epiphany, I assure you that no one is…"

Epiphany cut her off. "When you are distracted, people are at risk. Plain and simple. Now get out of here and take care of yourself. I'll see you Monday." With that, Epiphany turned and walked away.

Elizabeth ran her hands through her hair, wondering if things could get much worse. Of course they could, she reminded herself with a quick flash of a distant memory.

Heading to the locker room to collect her things, Elizabeth checked her phone. No messages. Mulling over the fact that she hadn't spoken to Ryan all week, she considered that while she hadn't tried to get in touch with him, he hadn't called her either, which was atypical of their relationship. She was ok with that for the first couple of days, but now…she wasn't sure how she felt about it now.

Elizabeth wanted to want to see Ryan. She didn't want his return to town to have such power over her. And it wouldn't…unless she allowed it.

Her routine this past week had been simple…work, home, work, home. After Sunday's brunch that wasn't, she'd spent the afternoon ruminating to the point where her brain actually ached. As the night wore on, the realization that she had to go to work the next day led Elizabeth to her brilliant 'plan' to keep her head above water. Running into Jason would be a disaster and Port Charles was suddenly filled with landmines, once again. All the places that reminded her of him, places she'd spent years stripping of importance, were suddenly a danger to her sensibilities. And even though she'd insulated herself from the world around her, she had been wallowing for most of the week, living off ice cream and her prescription sleep aide.

She dialed his number while chewing her bottom lip.

"Hey."

"Ryan, hey it's Elizabeth."

"Yeah, caller id gave that away. How are you feeling?"

Elizabeth paused and hesitated to respond. He sounded…weird.

"Much better, thanks for asking. Listen, I was wondering if you would be up for that movie tonight? We could watch a comedy or a drama or there is that new war movie, I don't really like war movies, but if you wanted to see it that would be ok with me, or we could watch a romance, but you don't really like romances so that wouldn't make sense either…" she babbled.

Ryan interrupted. "Elizabeth," he clipped, "how about we have dinner instead?"

"O-Oh, okay. I can pick up something on my way home and come over," she shuffled her feet, feeling a little anxious.

"No, how about I pick up Chinese and come to your place?" he stated plainly.

Elizabeth scrunched her nose; something about Chinese food gave her the willies. "Sure, but how about Italian?"

"Done. Do you want the usual?"

Elizabeth's face and insides softened in response to him remembering her 'usual'. Ryan, good…him, bad. "Yes, please. I should be back at my apartment in about half an hour."

"I'll shoot for an hour," he replied.

"See you then." Elizabeth hung up.

Elizabeth entered her apartment, looked around and offered a silent thank you that Ryan had decided not to meet her as she walked in the door. She had completely forgotten her place was a mess… and it stunk. She opened the windows in the living room in an attempt to air the joint out. Damn litter box. Although, changing the litter did help, she reasoned.

Grabbing a garbage bag from the kitchen, she walked around picking up soda cans, ice cream pints and lids – which Jake had strewn all over the place – an empty wine bottle and a red solo cup. She changed Jake's litter, sprayed some air freshener and lit a scented candle for good measure. She ran the dishwasher, although mostly empty, she was on a roll. Picking up stray clothes, she tossed them into her bedroom.

She fished out a pair of comfortable, worn jeans and slid them up her slight frame. Elizabeth grabbed an old PCU sweatshirt and pulled it on over her t-shirt. She donned plush socks and pulled her hair into a ponytail. Ah, comfort. Turning, she heard a knock on the door.

"Hey," she offered as she pulled the door open and found Ryan, with take out in tow, on the other side.

Ryan gave her a quick once over. "Well, you look better," he said, nodding.

"Thanks," Elizabeth responded with hesitation. She furrowed her brow and glanced down at her outfit. Nothing about it looked good, it was a choice based strictly on comfort and she suddenly felt like she should have done something more with herself.

Elizabeth followed Ryan into the kitchen and pulled plates from the cupboard and silverware from the drawer. Ryan unloaded the take out boxes and started opening a bottle of wine. Elizabeth grabbed two glasses and placed them on the counter in front of him. After serving their plates and getting napkins, Elizabeth and Ryan moved to her sofa – dinner and a glass of wine in hand. She nodded her head and made a mental note of their effortless teamwork in the kitchen.

The sense of ease she tried to establish quickly dissipated as they ate in silence…for too long. Something felt off – different, Elizabeth thought. Well of course something was different, she told herself, he came back and started messing with your head. Don't let it happen. Don't let it happen. Don't let…

"So," Ryan interrupted her train of thought. "How's your week been?"

"Good. Good," she replied. "Work was – well work and I've been doing some painting at night," she lied. "How about you?"

"I've been doing some thinking," he stated, looking down at his food.

That doesn't sound good, she thought. Elizabeth swallowed hard, "About?"

"This," he said as he swung his fork between the two of them.

"And…" Elizabeth's heart began to race.

"And…I think we should take a break," Ryan stated to his meatballs.

"A break," she parroted feeling a bit stunned.

He turned towards her. "Elizabeth, I like you. In fact, I think I could love you, but…" he shook his head, "you have walls."

"Walls?"

"Yes, unscalable ones," he looked at her with soft eyes.

"Is – is this about sex?" she asked, tucking her hair behind her ear. "I-I'm sorry. I've tried to just relax and …"

He interrupted. "No. No, it's not," he said firmly. "But, I'm not going to lie to you. I would love to sleep with you, Elizabeth. He shook his head slightly, "That's not what this is about."

Elizabeth felt her cheeks heat at his confession. Pausing momentarily, she looked to him in confusion, and asked, "Then what is it about?"

"You won't let me in," he said. "I think you try, but you don't and I can't fight it anymore. I want to be with you. I could see a future for us, but you have to let me in in order for us to get anywhere. I can't bridge the gap on my own; you have got to throw me a rope, E." She opened her mouth to argue, but he never stopped. "You know, I'm not sure what happened to you. We didn't exactly go through our dating history with a fine-toothed comb. But I know enough to be sure that someone along the way hurt you, and for that reason, I was patient. I've tried to be understanding, I told myself I just needed to earn your trust, but I am not sure that's possible."

Elizabeth looked at him. His eyes were large and soft, the golden flecks flickering in the candlelight. His jaw was set, his lips curled down slightly…a mannerism she had not seen before in her safe, soft Ryan.

"What are you saying?" she asked, feeling a knot in her stomach and a lump rise in her throat.

"I'm saying that I can't see you anymore. Whether or not it's forever is up to you," he sighed. "I want this, but I'm not sure you do. I want you to take some time to really think about what you want and if you decide it is me, then I'd like to be there, but I won't wait forever." He stood.

Elizabeth's head was spinning. "You're leaving? But we haven't finished dinner."

"Yeah. I think this is the part where I go." Ryan shoved his hands into the back pockets of his khakis. "Besides, I don't have much of an appetite."

"Ok," she responded, her voice small.

She followed him to the door, looking at the floor as she walked in stunned silence. He turned around and she looked up at him. He cupped her face with his hands and looked at her thoughtfully. "Mmm, I'm gonna miss this face," he said. Ryan leaned down and placed a soft kiss on her lips. "You know where to find me," he stated before turning and leaving her apartment.

Elizabeth placed her hands on the closed door; staring at it, she had a sense of déjà vu.

"Shit," she said aloud as she started to cry.