And the Clock Struck Twelve
By seraphimstarlight
Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own Tales of the Abyss or any of its characters.
Author's Note: Thank you all for your support of this fanfic! It means a lot to me! By the way, there is some mild cursing in this part. I apologize if it offends.
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She could only stare, startled, maybe even frightened by the bluntness of his statement.
He seemed to realize this and looked away, whatever else he might have said swallowed by her astonished silence. He struggled to find the words to break the pall that seemed to have fallen over them.
"I apologize if I startled you," he said at last, drawing her attention back to him, "but I can't…no…I won't apologize for the sentiment, because I mean it—every word."
He had hesitated in adding that last part, worried that, as…frightened as she seemed today, too much forwardness on his part might scare her off entirely. At first, she had glanced back towards him but, towards the end, had turned away, biting down on her bottom lip and twisting her hands nervously in her lap. At this, he had turned away, unable to hide the hurt that he knew must be evident on his face.
She hadn't wanted to hear that. He could tell not only from her reaction but also from the way she now struggled to find a response—this was not what she had wanted.
He tried to center himself—to regain some measure of self-control—at least enough to tell her that it was all right, that she didn't have to say anything because he understood.
But, it wasn't all right, and he didn't understand. His mind kept drifting back to that night in the garden. How, how could that have come to this? To him, it made no sense. He could only hope that she could explain.
"Please understand," she began, her words tentative, cautious, "that which I cannot say."
His fear provided him the words. "It was a mistake," he said at last, his words all but stifled by the dread that threatened to overwhelm him.
For a moment, she was silent, and he watched her, fearful of her response. At first her eyes widened, then, after another long stare she burst out, "No! That's not it!"
It was his turn to stare. Had she just said—?
She cut him off mid-thought, continuing as though she had not noticed his reaction. "The other night—I meant what I said! I do care for you—very much!" Her voice trailed off for a moment. "I wish there was some way to prove to you just how much I care," she added quietly after he didn't say anything. "Something…anything I could do."
"There is," he said at last.
"What?" she asked, her voice belaying the full extent of her anxiety.
Without a word, he reached across the small coffee table and, taking hold of her trembling hand, circled around to where she was, compelling her to stand in order to keep hold of his hand. When she stood, he led her away from the sofa to an empty corner of the room.
Turning towards her, he stepped closer to her and placed an arm around her waist.
"W-what are you doing?" she stammered, face flushing several shades of red.
He couldn't help but laugh at her reaction. "Not whatever you're thinking, I assure you."
She blushed again but said nothing.
He paused for a moment before slipping into the familiar steps of a waltz. Though there was no music, his steps were rhythmic, practiced and naturally graceful. She, however, was caught off-guard by the sudden movement and stumbled through the first few steps. Once she adjusted however, she moved with the grace expected of a Princess.
They danced in silence for a few minutes. He noticed that she glanced at him curiously a couple of times but did not let it bother him. He was simply savoring her presence—wishing that he could have danced with her like this at the ball.
"Is this…what you wanted?" she asked, breaking his train of thought. "You wanted me to dance with you?"
He smiled at her. "Actually, it's much simpler than that."
"It is?" she asked cautiously.
Abruptly, he stopped moving. Again, she did not realize this immediately and took an extra step. For a moment, she was off-balance, and he stepped forward, pulling her into an embrace.
Her entire body stiffened at the contact, and, for a moment, he feared she would push him away. When she didn't, however, he leaned closer and whispered to her, "All you have to do is choose me."
When she did not immediately answer, he pulled back, reluctantly letting go of her. To his surprise, tears were welling in her eyes.
Instinctively, he brushed away her tears with his thumb. As he pulled away, she reached up and, taking hold of his hand, twined her fingers through his.
"I…would like that," she admitted quietly. "Very, very much."
As happy as he was to hear those words from her, he could sense the "but" that would follow them. He tried to keep smiling—tried to keep his fear from showing. He wanted to say something, anything that would reassure her—convince her to say "yes". But, after all this time, his words had failed him, and he could not think of even a single thing to say. All he could do now was wait.
She remained silent for a long time, sending the knot of worry that had been aching the entire time to tighten in a sudden, painful spasm.
"How I would like to say yes," she murmured, absentmindedly tightening her grip on his hand.
How he ached. Just say yes. Just say yes. Just say yes.
"But I can't."
It seemed to take a moment for him to process the words. When he did, however, he glanced back at her, disbelieving.
"W-why—what do you mean?" he asked, voice trembling, the hurt in his voice all but palpable. "I don't…understand. I thought you…"
She looked away, pulling her hand from his. "It's…not that."
"Then what is it?!" he burst out, frustration welling in his voice. "After we've come so far, what could it be?"
She bit down on her trembling lip, refusing to answer.
"Is it about the Emperor?" he asked, his tone softer now. "Or is it about me?"
After a long moment she shook her head, no, to both. "This…is no one's fault but mine," she admitted quietly.
He drew in a deep breath as though to steady himself. "Then…your feelings have changed."
"No! They haven't—!"
"They must have!" he exclaimed, turning back to face her, "why else would this choice be so difficult for you?"
She watched him, wide-eyed, for a moment, unaccustomed to such fury in the normally unflappable swordsman. After a moment, he turned away, hiding his face in his hand.
"I—I just can't understand," he said after a moment. "If you still…care…then why?"
Tears slipped out from the corners of her eyes. At last, she said in a voice as quiet as a breath, "Because I'm scared."
For a moment, he couldn't breathe. His lungs were expanding, but it was as though there was no air—nothing that could fill them, nothing that could sustain him. He found himself taking an involuntary step backwards.
"Not of you," she amended hastily, upon seeing the shattered expression on his face.
"Then…what are you afraid of?" he asked when he at last felt steady enough to do so.
"I-I don't know," she admitted honestly. "It's just…I was asked something…once. Whether or not I wanted a relationship with you. To tell the truth, I hadn't even thought about that before. I mean, I care for you, but…did I actually want to be involved in a relationship? An actual relationship means so much more than simply…caring for the other person. Feelings alone often aren't enough; it takes so much more than that. And, if I were to be in a relationship with you, I would want to do whatever it took to make it work."
"As would I," he assured her.
"But, that would mean that I would put so much of myself into the relationship. And—"
Her words trailed off into silence when he suddenly turned away from her and walked over to a nearby window. For several long moments he simply stood, staring out the window, neither speaking nor turning to look at her.
"I understand," he said at last, an uncharacteristic coldness in his voice.
"W-what?" she asked, somewhat uncertain.
"'That which you could not say'. I understand what you meant."
She was uncertain of what to say, so she remained silent.
"After all this time…after all we've been through," he continued without looking at her, "you don't trust me."
She drew in a startled breath. "That's—!"
"It is the truth!" he said sharply. "Why else would you be worried about investing yourself in a relationship unless you thought you wouldn't get a return! You're worried that, in the future, I'll betray you or leave you or hurt you in some manner! Isn't that what it is?!"
"Of course it is!" she burst out, unable to hold back the tears any longer. "Of course I'm scared! And I have every right to be!"
"And why is that?! Have I ever done anything to betray or hurt you before?"
"No, not you," she admitted quietly.
He said nothing.
"But the last time I cared so much about someone—the last time someone claimed to care about me—he went off and died without a word!"
"He died for you," he said at last. "It wasn't a betrayal."
She clenched her fists. "It was! At least to me! I cared for him so much, and, no matter how much he claimed to care for me, I still ended up alone in the end! I know it's selfish to say this, but I wish he hadn't died!"
"Would you rather Luke had instead?"
The words stopped her cold. "O-of course not!"
"So either way you still would have been unhappy."
"Y-yes, I suppose so."
"So then why are you blaming Asch?"
"I'm not blaming him! It's just that…if I'd known from the beginning that I would end up unhappy…I'd rather never have cared about the person in the first place!"
"So," he said, "now you'd rather choose the Emperor because you'd be unhappy with him from the start rather than risk being happy now and becoming unhappy later?"
She looked away. He sighed.
"That makes no sense whatsoever! Why would you choose a relationship where you'd never be happy as opposed to one where you at least had the chance to be?!"
"Because—"
He cut her off. "Because you don't trust me! Why? I won't ever know. Why after you trusted me with your life in battle, you won't trust me with your heart now I'll never understand! It's an insult."
"Maybe, I don't," she admitted quietly. "And, maybe, this isn't what is best for me." She hesitated for a second. "Maybe, this just isn't what I want."
"Is that your final decision?" he asked, his voice taut with emotion.
She watched him carefully, wishing he would turn around so that she could at least see his face one more time before she took the step that would undoubtedly separate them forever. However, he did not turn back to her, and, for a moment, she was struck by the memory of Asch who, even in the end, never once turned back to her.
"M-my final decision?" she asked herself. "I-I suppose it is," she said after along pause. "I—yes. It is."
For a long moment he neither spoke nor moved. At last, he leaned forward, bracing himself against the window.
"Well," he said quietly, finally turning back to face her, "I guess this is it."
She drew in a sharp breath.
He glanced away, forcing a broken smile and pained chuckle. "You may not have believed me before, but your happiness does mean everything to me, and I really will do whatever I can to make you happy," he paused for a second, "no matter how much it hurts me."
"W-what do you—?"
He turned back to the window again and took a deep breath.
"It's over."
It took a second for the words to register. "What?"
He did not look at her. "It's over. Done. Finished. I…don't want to see you again."
For a moment, she thought he had struck her, so sharp and sudden was the pain.
"Never again?" she asked, quietly, "Not even as a friend?"
"Never." The finality of the word was wounding. "After all," he continued, "you don't want a relationship with me, and friendship is a type of relationship. So, no. Never again."
She blinked back the tears that threatened to fall. Whatever she might have expected, she had not expected this. Never see him again? After all this, it was his right to say that, but still…
"Why…?"
His response was instantaneous. "Because I love you dammit!" he burst out, whirling angrily on her, "not 'like' or 'care for'—'love!" Because I love you too damn much to let you go any other way! It's the only way I might ever be able to do this!"
"But can't you—?"
His fist shot out connecting with the window so hard that it shattered the glass. "No! I can't! Don't you understand?! It's taking everything I have to let you walk away like this! If I saw you again…I can't guarantee that I would let you go again!"
A thick silence fell over the pair. For a long moment he studied his bleeding hand. At last he said, "I must bandage this wound. I'll go and do that now. Please don't be here when I come back."
Her breath caught in her chest. "And…that's it? That's all?"
"That's all," he said tiredly. "After all, what more can you expect? You ended this. What more do you want me to say?"
The words stung. Of course he was right. She had no right to ask anything more of him. After all, he was just protecting himself in the same way that she had. And, for him, there was nothing shameful about that.
"Nothing," she said, turning and heading for the double doors at the other end of the room.
"You know," he said stopping her in her tracks, "it's almost funny."
"What is?" she asked, hopeful.
"You always worried that you were cruel to me before, back when I served in the Manor," he paused for a second, "but this was by far the cruelest thing you have ever done."
The accusation pierced her heart. She turned on her heel, apology on her lips, but he was no where in sight. At the far end of room a door swung shut leaving her alone in the oppressive silence. For a moment, she wanted to run after him but stifled the impulse. He did not want to see her now. After what she had done, who could blame him? There was nothing she could do but leave.
She headed for the exit. As she stepped through the doors, she came face to face with a furious red-head.
"How dare you!" Luke burst out, starting for her. "Cousin or not, how dare you?!"
The outburst startled her, and, for a moment, she was not certain what he was talking about. "L-Luke…what are you—?"
Tear stepped forward, placing herself between the replica and his target. "Calm down, Luke," she admonished him, "she doesn't even know what you're talking about."
"Like hell she doesn't," he muttered, "she knows exactly what I'm talking about."
"What do you mean? What do I know?"
"Exactly! What do you know?" Tear fixed him with a glare, and he took a deep breath, trying to calm himself to the point where he could actually answer without yelling. "I heard everything."
At first, she was not certain what he meant, but the critical glance that Tear gave him provided the answer.
"You eavesdropped on us!" She turned to Tear. "You too?"
"Of course not," the melodist answered. "I tried to tell him it was wrong, but—"
"Enough, Tear," he said, his tone frigid, "this isn't about eavesdropping, it's about what she did to my best friend!"
"Luke, I—"
"What you told him didn't even make sense! How can you claim to love someone yet not have a relationship with them? It makes no sense whatsoever!" He paused for a long moment. "If he saw you acting like this, even Asch would be ashamed."
The frustration and helplessness that had been welling the entire day finally overflowed. "And what do you know about Asch?!" she burst out, tears flowing freely, "You stole everything from him! His home, his name, his life! Everything! How dare you even talk about him?!"
Tear turned to her. "Natalia, that's going too far," she said, her tone solemn. "You can't just—"
"It's okay, Tear," Luke said placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "she's right."
The long-haired woman turned back to the red-head. "Luke!"
"But not in the way you're thinking," he assured her. "All I meant was that I shouldn't have brought Asch into this. After all, he has nothing to do with it." He turned back to the princess. "He has nothing to do with your being such a coward."
Natalia glanced back at her cousin. "A…coward?"
"Yes—a coward!" he said. "Because you claim you love Guy, but you're not willing to take the risk of being with him! You're a damn coward who's too afraid to take the risk—to fight for the person you claim to love!"
He fell silent for a moment. Then, in a sudden, swift movement, reached out and wrapped Tear in an embrace, pulling her to him.
"Luke, what are you doing?" the melodist asked, startled.
"Nothing really," he murmured quietly enough so that only she could hear, "just remembering how much I love you."
At this, Tear flushed several shades of pink and crimson. She turned back to look at him, but he was no longer looking at her. Instead, he had turned to address his cousin who was watching, rather embarrassed, from several feet away. Luke stood up straight but did not let go of Tear.
"Hey, Natalia," he called to the startled Princess, "Do you have any idea what I had to go through just to return to Tear?" The archer did not answer, so he continued.
"After the…incidents on Eldrant, I lost most of my memory. Well, perhaps 'lost' is not quite the right word. They were jumbled, incoherent. All I could gain from them was my name and precious little else.
"I spent three, nearly four years like that—waking with only an aching heart to tell me that something was missing and the vaguest memory of a promise to guide me. I hadn't a clue what either of them meant. At that point, I hadn't recovered enough of my memory to understand.
"I could have given up there and then—it would have been so easy, just to surrender and live in blissful ignorance. But I didn't! I chose to fight—to remember everything that had happened me—all the pain and suffering, all the guilt, all the blood that stains my hands, all the lives that now weigh down my soul when I could have simply forgotten everything! I chose to accept that burden instead of abandoning it!
"And why?!" He turned back to the woman in his arms, tracing the curve of her face gently with his thumb. "Because…even when I couldn't remember her name or her face, I knew without a doubt that she was worth it! That…whatever I had to go through, whatever I had to sacrifice to return to her—I knew that I'd rather give everything else up than live without her!
"But you," he said, addressing the princess again, "aren't even willing to risk the slightest chance of future unhappiness—which, knowing Guy, he would do anything to prevent! Instead, you choose a relationship which will make not only you but him miserable as well! That's not just the act of a coward; it's also the act of an idiot!"
"So go," he said, his tone livid, "go and marry the Emperor like you want. Just don't expect me to be at the wedding."
He fell silent, trying to catch his breath. Tear turned to him.
"Luke, I think you should stop now."
He gave her a curious glance. "What?"
Tear glanced over to where Natalia stood, the archer's small frame shaking with suppressed hurt that had turned to anger.
"Fine!" the Princess burst out at last, "I will go, and I will marry him just like I came here to do! I will fulfill my duty…because it seems that that's all I have left now."
"I'm glad you realize that," Luke seethed. "And just remember, ten years from now when you're miserable, that the whole situation could have been avoided if you'd just taken one small risk."
Natalia remained silent for a long moment. "I guess," she said at last, "that this is farewell to you as well."
Luke remained stubbornly silent. She watched him for a moment before turning away. "Well then," she said quietly, "I guess this is farewell to you too, Tear. So, goodbye. I wish you all future happiness." She headed, defeated, towards the exit.
"Natalia." Tear started forward, but Luke held her fast. For the first time in many years, Tear found herself wishing that he would just let go of her. "Luke! Let me go! You can't leave things like this!"
"Why not?" he asked, his expression severe. "It's what she wants."
"You should know better than anyone 'why not'," Tear fumed. "She may have done something stupid, but that's no reason to give up on her entirely!"
"Tear," he said, pulling away slightly, "she hurt Guy terribly."
"And you hurt all the people of Akzeriuth!" she reminded him.
At this, his hold loosened momentarily, and she slipped free. "You did a lot of stupid things in the past," she continued, "but none of us ever gave up on you! I never gave up on you! You have no right to say so callously that you'd just give up on her like this!"
The replica took a step backwards, distressed. "Y-you're right, Tear," he admitted. "I shouldn't have—" He glanced around, half-frantic. "Oh hell! She's gone! I have to…talk to her or something!"
He started towards the exit, but Tear blocked his path.
"Wait," she said, "she probably won't want to talk to you right now."
His face fell. "You're right. But then…what should I…?"
She smiled at him, trying to reassure him. "Don't worry," Tear said, "I'll go and talk to her. You go and talk to Guy. You're probably the only one he'll listen to now."
Luke nodded. "Right." He turned to head back into the small room, but hesitated for a moment. "And, Tear," he called out over his shoulder. "I'm sorry."
She blinked a couple of times. "About what?"
He blushed. "About what I said earlier."
"About what you said just now?"
He shook his head. "No, about what I said this morning."
"What did you say this morning?"
His blush intensified. "You know…about the…"
She gave a long-suffering sigh. "Look, I don't remember you saying anything this morning, all right? Let's just leave it at that."
Luke's expression turned from one of worry to one of utter relief. He opened and closed his mouth several times as though trying to speak, but he couldn't seem to find any words. After a long moment of silent deliberation, he stepped towards her, pulled her into his arms and kissed her.
"Oh thank Lorelei!" he said when he pulled away. "I was so worried! I didn't want you to leave me or something! I don't know what I'd do without you!"
"Idiot," Tear said with a smile when she had finally recovered enough to speak. "Like I'd ever give up on you. I swore that I'd keep watching over you. Remember?"
"So, I'll see you later, right?" he asked.
On an impulse, she stood on her tiptoes and gave him a peck on the cheek. "Of course," she assured him. "Now go and talk to Guy. I've got to go and find Natalia."
"Okay," Luke said, pulling the door open. "We'll meet back here later."
Tear nodded. "Right. Now, go."
She watched as Luke vanished through the nearby door before she headed towards to manor's exit herself.
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On her way to the gate, Tear happened upon Anise who was being led into the manor by one of the maids.
"Anise!" Tear called out to the puppeteer, "did you see Natalia pass by this way?"
"Yeah," Anise replied, gesturing in the direction of the gate. "She just went back to city with the Colonel."
"With Jade?" Tear asked, surprised.
Anise nodded again. "Yep. She said something about having some business to attend to or something." The dark-haired girl tapped her chin thoughtfully. "She seemed really upset though. Did something happen?"
Tear couldn't help sighing. "More than you know, Anise. More than you know."
The puppeteer regarded her curiously for a moment. "Anyway," she said shrugging, "I've got some important news for you all from the Colonel."
Tear waved her off. "Now's not a good time, Anise. I have to go talk with Natalia."
"But you probably won't be able to see her now…not until the party tonight," Anise pointed out. "She'll probably be resting until then."
"Oh," Tear said. She had completely forgotten about the party, which was the reason all of them were there in the first place.
"Anyway," Anise continued, "the news I have, is about Natalia."
Tear raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean? What is it?"
"Curious now, aren't you?" Anise asked with a mischievous smile. "Well, it'll cost you 1,000 Gald to find out, y'know."
"Anise."
The younger girl pouted. "Booo! Oh fine! The Colonel told me that the Emperor will propose to her tonight!"
Tear turned sharply to face the girl. "What?!"
Anise scowled a little. "I said he's gonna propose to Natalia tonight."
Tear's eyes widened. "We have to talk to Luke."
"Luke," Anise asked, dubious, "Why?"
"I'll fill you in later," she promised as she turned to head back into the mansion. "Just promise me that you'll keep quiet about this for a while."
"But the Colonel told me to tell all of you about it!"
Tear sighed again. "Trust me; you'll understand when you see. Just promise me."
Anise shrugged again. "Fine, fine, I promise. All right?"
Tear nodded. "Good. Now, let's try to figure out how things will go from here."
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Author's Note:
Ah, this part was really difficult to write as I wasn't certain if the arguments made sense in either a logical sense or an emotional sense. What she is supposed to be feeling is kinda hard to put correctly into words. If I do it too lightly, she'll come off sounding insincere. If I do it too seriously, she'll come off sounding vindictive or something.
Saa…I can only hope I wrote it right.
Anyway, until next chapter.