Chapter 4

Although it doesn't really need to be said, the wait for Haruhi and Koizumi to get back to the clubroom was excruciatingly long. They were gone nearly an hour; to do what, I couldn't say, but I knew it wouldn't make a difference. When I finally did hear two sets of footsteps approaching the door, I wondered what I should brace myself for: anger? Sadness? Confusion? Or all of the above?

The door swung open, and as Haruhi looked around the room, I realized the obvious answer: shock. "Where's Mikuru-chan?"

She bent over the table. For a moment, I thought she would slam down her fists, but more than anything she looked weary and beaten-down. This was like a bad science experiment, a test to see if Haruhi's seemingly limitless energy could be effectively drained, and disturbingly, it's working far too well for my tastes.

"I ordered her not to leave! There had to be something, no, there has to be something we can do! Why did you let her go, Kyon?"

Normally that kind of question would have annoyed me, but I couldn't deny this time that it really was my fault. Still, I wasn't going to physically restrain her to keep her here. Not that I wouldn't have done it anyway. Thankfully, Nagato's good sense had been there to stop me; I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I had, and it was obvious that she had to leave, regardless of how she and I felt about it.

Haruhi's face became even more sullen. "But it still isn't fair! They wouldn't even listen to us over at the student council or the academic liaison office! They just kept saying that there was nothing that could be done!"

Koizumi finally spoke up, the expression on his face legitimately serious for a change. "Suzumiya-san, I am sorry that I could not be of more help. But I know from personal experience that once you have to be transferred to another school, whether it is from one part of Japan or internationally, that not much can be done."

I know that you're trying to soften the blow, Koizumi, but I don't think that what you just said helped any.

"Maybe it's not too late! Maybe we can go to Mikuru-chan's apartment and try to see if anything can be done from there!"

"That is not possible," Nagato bluntly stated. I really needed to teach her how to soften her delivery sometime. "Asahina Mikuru's place of residence has already been stripped of all its possessions, according to what she told me in your absence. At this point she is likely outside the city."

More like outside the timeframe.

We all remained silent for what seemed like several lifetimes before I heard a barely audible order: "You're all dismissed for today."

After Haruhi barely whispered out that statement, she made her way over to the computer desk and sat down like she had the weight of the entire world on her shoulders. Understandable; while normally she could bear the burden of heaven with enough ease to make Atlas jealous, I wasn't so sure that she could take even the smallest trial at the moment after this.

Nagato and Koizumi realized it too, with the former closing her book and leaving as if it were simply the end of another ordinary day. Koizumi at least glanced at Haruhi and then myself, but I couldn't read what he was thinking. I'm not sure where we stand anymore after our confrontation, but he has to at least still care about Haruhi, right?

After they left, I found myself alone with the chief—an eerily reminiscent scene from what played out yesterday. I wasn't sure of what to do. I wanted desperately to comfort Haruhi; but, I was also afraid of what might happen.

I mean ... in an ideal universe, this would happen:

Haruhi, seeing me, would say, "You don't have to stay; in fact, I think it would be easier if you left, Kyon."

And I would answer in the obvious way: " Haruhi, you can't take the blame for this. There was nothing that could have been done."

Haruhi, of course, wouldn't be able to accept that. "You're wrong!" she'd yell. "I can't accept that, I won't!" Then, maybe she'd stand, with such force that the chair would slam into the wall below the window, making a dent into the shoddy plaster.

And then I'd lie. I'd tell her that it wasn't anyone's fault (though it was), that it couldn't be (though it could). Maybe with that, she'd break down, and I'd tell her all the things that needed to be said. That life wasn't fair, but she'd get through it. That no matter what, she was still Haruhi, a girl could walk through a wall of fire and come out to the oasis on the other side with a smile.

That it was what I loved about her.

But, unfortunately, life wasn't like that. Or at least, Haruhi and I weren't like that. Maybe when we were together, I could but now? It didn't feel right.

Not when part of her would probably hope that it was John Smith saying it.

Back in reality, Haruhi said, "I meant you too, Kyon."

Rearranging my bag, I turned and headed out the door, but I stopped just before I hit the hallway. No, not yet; not before I said the one thing I could say.

I turned back around. "No matter what happens now, Haruhi ... You did your best. You always do. The fact that it wasn't enough this time ... that doesn't mean anything. It's not your fault, and I'm sorry you have to deal with it."

My heart very nearly exploded to see her give me a small smile. But almost just as quickly as it came, it vanished, as a look of deep concentration set into her eyes.

"Kyon ..."

Before I continue, I want to make one thing clear. Before, I was fantasizing. It could have come straight out of a cheesy shoujo manga, but that was okay. Fantasy worked like that.

So, you could imagine my surprise when Haruhi suddenly burst out of her seat, wrapping those small but incredibly strong arms around me. But, even surprised, my arms reflexively responded, curving in to the places I had come to think of as mine: the small of her back, the crook of her neck, fingers gently weaving through her soft hair.

We stayed like this for a few moments, before Haruhi surprised me all over again, enough to make me let go.

"Kyon, do you want to get back together?"

Wait, wait, wait. Okay, now this is where Koizumi pops out with a camera and tells me the last year has been an overly elaborate, massively over-budgeted joke on me, right? I thought that Haruhi was the one with the reality warping powers, not me.

It's only been a day, Haruhi. And we haven't even not seen each other yet, so why this sudden change of heart?

"Ever since yesterday, I've been thinking. Why should I give up what's right in front of me for someone that I might never see again? It doesn't seem like it makes much sense. And now, after this..."

So that was it. She was just that shaken from all that had happened today. It made sense. To Haruhi, the Brigade probably seemed like something that could last forever, and she just had that idea ripped to shreds. She was probably thinking, 'Well, then what'll happen to everyone else?' She was working on desperation, trying to keep everything together, but...

Even so, her offer was so tempting that it was taking every ounce of willpower I had not to just accept it instantly. After all, I am John Smith. So, was there really any harm in it?

No, no! I couldn't think like this! Isn't this exactly what Koizumi had predicted would happen? Was that smug Esper adding premonition to his skill set now?

I had to be extremely careful with what I said next, but one thing was clear.

"Haruhi, I … I don't think I can accept."

I couldn't become her boyfriend again, not now at least. Just uttering that sentence took more effort than the gods' combined attempts to force Amaterasu out of her cave, but I knew that I had no other choice. Like I had told Koizumi earlier, like I had only just said, I couldn't live with myself if I knew that somewhere in her, a small part of Haruhi needed to find John Smith.

Needless to say, Haruhi was somewhat shocked. Not angry, just completely taken aback. I had to continue quickly, before she got the wrong impression.

"Believe me, Haruhi, nearly every ounce of me wants to say yes. But I couldn't live with myself knowing that you stopped pursuing your dream to be with me. That's not who you are."

"But, Kyon…"

"Haruhi, I will always be here for you. Just believe me when I say that."

I thought that I was about to make Haruhi cry, and I didn't really want to see her sobbing for real. I wasn't sure my heart could take that much. But while she looked sad, there was also something about her. A renewed sense of purpose, maybe?

"Kyon. You're right."

Wow, that's something I never thought I'd hear coming from you.

"Idiot." she smirked, and grabbed her bag, but just before she was out the door she paused, and then, firing off the best smile she could have mustered in this situation, bluntly said, "By the way Kyon, thanks."

She was gone before I could ask her what she was thanking me for, but I guess I knew. I'd still be there for her, boyfriend or not. For me, that would have to be good enough.

I realized that I needed to head home before my parents started thinking that this was starting to become a bad habit. But while I walked, I silently wondered to myself what Haruhi must be thinking right now. Probably something along the same lines of what I was, and yet also entirely different. The future of the SOS Brigade, and John Smith; each meant a lot to us, but in entirely different ways. Like how some people see the rabbit in that picture, and some see the duck.

Although I suppose that that's a somewhat juvenile way of putting it, I can't bother to come up with anything better right now. Give me a break, I'm not thinking clearly these days.

I guess that I hadn't really had time to think about everything that had happened today. I had been too busy running damage control in regards to Haruhi, not that I considered it a burden or anything. It was only after I was back in my own bed that I let the events from today sink in.

I might never see Asahina-san (of any size) ever again.

It was hard to take. I wanted to say a lot of things to Asahina-san (big) and most of them weren't too kind at this point. But even though I did blame her for a lot, there was another person that I could blame for this entire mess: John Smith.

Of course, it meant that I was blaming myself, but at this point it was hard for me to see this as anything but a result of my actions that night. While it's true that I had no idea of everything that would happen as a result, if I had, would I have so easily gone along with the choice? I mean, would it have been easier to just let the younger Haruhi do the thing to the best of her ability by herself? Then she wouldn't be chasing after someone that she could never find, and I wouldn't be forced to watch while she got more and more disillusioned about everything. It might have even spared Asahina-san from having to leave. But unfortunately, there was no changing that now.

Of course, before this point, I hadn't thought much about my secret identity. John Smith was a trump card, in case Nagato's boss ever thought they could get rid of her. But still, I had never considered that those two simple words could come back to haunt me so badly, let alone make Haruhi so miserable.

Maybe I could let Haruhi know something about John Smith. Just enough to keep her going. But any idea that I could come up with was simply too utterly reckless or ridiculous for a sane person to ever consider, and despite what I've been through in the past 48 hours, I'd like to think that I can still think slightly straight (metaphors aside).

Yet, the possibilities kept coming. One of the first things I considered was writing some sort of letter to Haruhi from John Smith, outlining the reasons why he couldn't be with her. But Haruhi wasn't stupid; she would realize that a person doesn't just materialize back into your life because you happen to mention them a couple of times again or start thinking about them. Even Haruhi couldn't overlook the oddity in that situation. Plus, if she found out that John Smith was somehow around, then she really wouldn't stop until she found him.

I also considered, for the briefest of moments, trying to set someone else up as John Smith, but that would take even less time for Haruhi to see through it. Plus, what would happen if Haruhi didn't see through it? I'd be forced to stand by while someone else had a relationship with Haruhi based upon her memories of something I did. It would tear me apart almost as much as having her never find him. I might be selfish for thinking that, but damn it, I'm just a normal guy. I couldn't be that stoic even if Nagato gave me lessons.

You often see in the more comedic tv shows a situation where someone confronts themselves in the mirror. Well, that was what I wanted to do with John Smith at the moment. I wanted to tell him just how badly he had ruined the lives of nearly everyone that I had grown to care about. No doubt that he would be a smart-ass though, and make comments about how I'd be nowhere and no one without him. It probably would have ended with my having to be rushed to the hospital with a broken hand full of glass shards after I punched out the mirror I was having a debate with.

No, if there even was a solution, then I was probably not in a good enough mindset to see it, and staring at the ceiling wasn't going to help. My options were all floating away from me: a brainstorming session with Koizumi was pretty much out of the question, and if I ever even saw Asahina-san (small) again it would be a minor miracle. The only person left was Nagato, and while she was certainly a good listener, and could probably even give some sound advice if I managed to extricate it from the mountains of undecipherable stuff that would come along with it, this was pretty much out of her area of expertise.

So who else?

Suddenly, a name come to mind. Could I? It wasn't really ...

Oh, who cares; I'll try anything now.

As I boarded the train, I began to wonder what compelled me to make the call I did last night. I was still surprised that the person had accepted my somewhat pathetic plea to help with the current situation. We were set to meet at the café that the SOS brigade used to frequent, although we actually haven't been there for the last couple of months. I guess that for me, it was a good thing, and I'm not just talking about how my wallet got spared (mostly because it didn't). Given the situation, thinking about the last gigantic crisis that almost tore the SOS brigade apart (although Haruhi was admittedly a little more out of the loop on that one) was the last thing that I actually wanted to do, but I couldn't help it.

It had been a couple of months ago, after meeting with the group that I've since personally labelled the Anti-SOS Brigade — at this point, I'd like to remind you that blazing bouts of originality was not my strong suit. The group was surprisingly helmed by my old middle school friend, Sasaki, and made up by a number of people who had earned my deepest hatred: the smiling woman, revealed to me as Tachibana Kyouko; the sneering bastard, who called himself Fujiwara, although I much prefer the title I gave to him; and of course, the near ethereal presence that was Kuyoh Suou, although there was much more to her than I would have ever expected.

It was my encounter with this … 'interesting' group of people that led to one of the more difficult choices of my life, although the one I'm struggling with now takes the cake. I had tried to brush off the encounter — it wasn't like I wanted to associate with three quarters of the people in that group — but then it happened.

"Fever? You caught a flu? Did you go to the hospital? ... Oh, you didn't? Medicine?"

I could still remember Haruhi on the phone, her expression getting more and more worried. Nagato was ill. But unlike Haruhi, everyone else in the brigade knew just how serious of a matter her illness really was.

"Their invasion has started once again. Those intelligent lifeforms existing beyond Earth, unrelated to the Integrated Data Sentient Entity have naturally targeted Nagato, the strongest wall of defense of the SOS Brigade."

Those words that Koizumi had uttered still sent chills down my entire body. The Canopy Domain had decided to move against Nagato's bosses, and it was cutting them off from Nagato, just like in that bizarre cubist cabin on that snowy mountain. Except this time, we weren't in an area that the rival aliens controlled; we were in the real world, which meant that simply leaving the affected area wasn't going to work again.

We had quickly made our way over to Nagato's apartment complex as quickly as possible, perhaps even faster than that — with the will of Haruhi behind us, I'm sure that the trains ran ahead of schedule and that our legs could have marched us well beyond forty days and nights through a hundred deserts. When we got to the complex and Haruhi tried to use the intercom to get through to Nagato's room, there was no reply. Luckily, or perhaps once again due to divine intervention, someone happened to be leaving the building, so we all managed to get in. We then made our way up to Nagato's floor.

"Yuki! We're here, let us in!"

Haruhi, you have to be careful, if you make too much of a commotion outside they'll throw us out and then what will we do?

"I don't care! No one is throwing me out of this building until I know that Yuki is fine!"

For once, that stubbornness of yours couldn't find more approval from me. I just hope it doesn't come to that.

"No one is answering… Do you suppose that she's fallen asleep? Or that she cannot come to the door?" Koizumi nonchalantly inquired.

You make it sound as if you're trying to decide what to have for dinner, not whether someone close to you is alright or not. You and I will have some choice words about this later, but it's not important right now.

"Yuki! Yuki!" Haruhi shouted, this time banging on the door, which then swung open. Had it been unlocked the entire time? Well, this wasn't the right moment to be asking those kinds of questions. We all headed into the barren apartment of the ailing humanoid interface.

As I expected, nothing had really changed since the last time I was there. The entire place was rather barren, almost static.

After the fact, I realized that I should have been concerned with making sure that Haruhi didn't find out that I had been in here before, but there were more important things on my mind at the moment.

"Yuki! Where are you! Can you hear me, it's Haruhi! We're all here!" Haruhi frantically called out while making her way from room to room. When she got to the door where Asahina-san and I had previously "slept" for three going on four years and opened it, she finally found the objective of her search: Nagato Yuki was there, lying in bed, looking worse than I had ever seen her in my life.

"Yuki!"

Haruhi was by her side in a flash, and it didn't take long for everyone else to follow suit. Nagato barely had enough strength to open her eyes and tilt her head to look at the group of people around her at this point; had she declined even more in that short time since Haruhi called her?

If Nagato was about to speak, then she didn't have a chance before Haruhi cut her off.

"Yuki, don't talk, just save your strength, we're here for you now, and everyone is going to make sure that you'll be back to your old self in no time."

Haruhi, if there was any time that I cursed your rabid enthusiasm, then I take it back. I really hope that spirit can get us through this, but I'm not sure it's enough this time.

"I'm going to stay here with Yuki: Koizumi, you and Mikuru-chan go get some herbal teas, anything that you think can help! Kyon, you need to get to the store and find any medicines you can! Here, take this —" she slipped ten 1000 yen bills into my hand "—get everything that can buy!"

Now I knew that Haruhi thought the situation was dire. If she was the one offering to pay for everything, it might as well be the end of the world.

"Now get going and hurry back as soon as you can. I'll let you in when you get back to the front and call up. Hurry!"

Asahina-san and Koizumi quickly got up and left, but something compelled me to stay, if only for one more moment.

"Haruhi, I know that Nagato doesn't show it much, and that she can't right now. But I'm sure she appreciates what you're doing for her." And yet, part of me just wanted to stop dancing around the subject… why couldn't I just say that she was a good friend? Was it that difficult for me to think of Haruhi that way?

It was a rare sight, to see Haruhi Suzumiya flustered even for a moment, but that's exactly what she was after I finished my sincere statement.

"I—idiot. I'd do the same for anyone else in the brigade. Now get going, Yuki needs that medicine!"

I was happy to oblige this time, and moved through the door. But as I moved out into the hallway, I heard another door open as I shut the one to Nagato's apartment.

As I looked down the hallway, I saw a light coming from a previously closed door. All of a sudden, I remembered with a dreaded clarity: that was the apartment that belonged to a former classmate.

Who was living in Asakura Ryoko's apartment?

I must have looked like Sir Gawain, when he realized that he was facing down a fire breathing dragon with a wooden sword. I was completely frozen in place; I wanted to move, but I couldn't, not until I saw just who, or what, was going to come out that door.

"Ah, it is good that you are here."

The tension relaxed when I saw the familiar but mysterious figure of Kimidori Emiri-san in front of me. Now that I was a little more clear minded I could see that Kimidori-san was also in distress, although not nearly so much as Nagato was. Her face was slightly flushed, and she was a little unsteady on her feet.

"All the interfaces in this area are under duress. But as you have no doubt discovered, Nagato-san is under a great deal more distress than anyone else."

"But why is that? can't she fight this off like you and the other interfaces?"

"She could have, had she not placed the limitations on her abilities."

It all came flooding back to me. I hadn't really noticed, so it hadn't been an issue, but Nagato had told me that as part of the decision of her bosses, but also in part due to her own request, that her abilities had been limited, and that a firewall or something like that was preventing her from accessing the highest level of her skills. But now it was this punishment that was threatening to turn into a death sentence. Why doesn't your boss just remove the limiters, Nagato?

"None of us are in contact with the Integrated Data Thought Entity at the moment. All effective routes of communication have been severed. There is no way to undo the firewall from the origin point."

Damn! "So we just have to sit and watch while Nagato fades away and dies?"

"No, but at the moment none of our combined efforts have found a solution to what the Canopy Domain has been doing. And the actual intent of the Domain is also unknown at the moment. Communication between the Data Entity and the Domain have been impossible to achieve to this point."

As the green haired interface elaborated on the situation with an almost dissonant calmness, I thought back to the strange girl Kuyoh Suou with her disjointed way of speaking and her ghost-like presence. Could she alone, acting as an avatar for her group, be responsible for all of this? Did she even know what she was doing? Either way, I wanted to get back to Nagato's side to maybe find a solution, but that meant getting some medicine, even if I knew that none of it would be effective.

"I understand. And although it does not mean a lot at the moment, I believe that if any group can find the solution, it is your group."

Kimidori-san gave a small, unsteady bow, and disappeared back into her apartment, and I finally got en route to my destination: the nearest drug store.

It was a good thing that I've been in this area before, or else I might not have known where the closet drugstore was, but thankfully, I knew that one was relatively close to Nagato's apartment. As I dashed through the aisles grabbing whatever medicine I thought would be appropriate, a voice brought my mad dash to a grinding halt.

"You know that none of those will help, right?"

I spun around and saw the face of Tachibana Kyouko, although the smile she had the last time I met her was gone.

"There's only one way that you can help your friend now, and seeing the kind of person you are, I have no doubt that you want to help."

You don't have much leeway with me at the moment. In fact, you don't have any, so you'd better explain yourself or get out of my way.

"Don't judge me by my past actions. I had to do what I had to do, but I took no pleasure in kidnapping Asahina Mikuru; although Fujiwara did enjoy himself a little too much for my liking…"

"Get to the point," I growled, pushing past her and grabbing more cold and flu medicine from off the shelf.

"Alright, fine. You know as well as I do that Sasaki should be the one in charge of those phenomenal powers. Her closed spaces are much better, which is proof of that fact, and given that she's also a much more stable person, it's the only reasonable choice to make."

And what does that have to do with me exactly?

"I'm sure that by now you've heard almost ad nauseum that you are 'The Chosen of Suzumiya-san' from Koizumi. Well, he's not wrong, and if you choose correctly and play your cards right, you can save Nagato Yuki."

Why is what I do that important? How come these things always boil down to me, the guy without a lick of special powers or abilities in any way, shape or form? And even if I'm the chosen of Haruhi, then what does that make a difference in this situation?

"Don't you see? If you choose Sasaki, then we can give the power to her, and she can save Nagato Yuki. She can do anything; even make the world, the universe, a better place! Why wouldn't you want that?"

She was starting to get manic at this point, but after a moment, she managed to calm herself down.

"At any rate, you'd better decide quickly. Your friend might not have very much time left at this rate. We'll be waiting in the café where you first saw us all assembled, tomorrow at this time: you have until then to decide."

With that she walked out into the street and vanished into the crowds, leaving me with an unbelievable burden. To save Nagato, would I have to turn my back on the SOS Brigade? On Haruhi?

The train came to a stop, jarring me out of my trip down memory lane. Here I was heading back to that same café months later, with the predicament no less difficult and the risk no less great. And I could only hope that I would have just as great an epiphany from the conversation this time as I did back then.

As I walked into the café, I saw the person I had come to meet immediately. It was always in her nature to be punctual, and this time was no exception.

"I'm surprised that you actually wanted to see me again, after what you thought I was involved in last time."

Sasaki said, with that usual cordial smile on her face.

Likewise. I'm surprised that you wanted to talk to the guy that cost you your godhood.

"I will admit that it would have been interesting, but it wasn't anything that I myself wanted. Anyways, when you called, you sounded in dire straits. What exactly is the problem, Kyon?"

Oh, nothing big.

I just want to know whether I should risk the world to tell the truth to the girl I love, that's all.

Authors Notes: The mystery of what happened in novel 10 begins to be unravelled, and Kyon turns to an unlikely source for aid, but can he find the answer with Sasaki's help? Anyways, both me and you, the audience, owe a major thanks to Arty Esbee d'Arc for stopping me from turning the first scene into something you'd see from a cheesy afternoon soap opera - er, not that that kind of thing doesn't work, it just really wasn't appropriate here. Once again, reviews of all shapes, sizes and flavours are greatly appreciated.

Look forward to having more of the past revealed in the next chapter, as well as some dubious solutions to the present problems. Things are just getting interesting after all.

Finally, the disclaimer: I, of course, do not own any of the characters of the Haruhi universe, please don't sue me (strangely flattering as it would be).