Title: YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!
Rated: M
Warnings: LOTS OF SECKS, language, nail-biting moment

NOTE: This is purely for fun and for lolz. This is not serious writing and I'm only posting it laughs. If you don't like crack!fics or Matrix parodies, don't read.
Also, I know this has more than one topic/character in this that is not The Matrix. The reason it's not under crossover is because there's honestly not one other fandom these fics can be classified under. Problem? Deal with it. :D

Dedicated to a good friend of mine, RainAwhile. I hope you appreciate this madness.

Disclaimer: I do not own The Matrix, Maury, or anything else mentioned in this.

"Do you hear that, Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of crack on paper. That is the sound of your lulz."

Neo was in a pickle. Not literally, of course, because that would be upsetting and salty. Neo had discovered he was a sex addict, much like his friend David Duchovny. Neo like to plow anything that moved. Even the sentinels. Oh, how he clenched around their cold, metallic lumber. Fuck, it was good.

The Nebuchadnezzar was filled with young men and a woman. Neo watched from his seat in the mess hall as Mouse walked by. Damn. I'd like me a piece of that ass, thought the newly recruited addict. Mouse caught his eye and winked seductively. He knew Neo's plans. He knew Neo's desires. He knew Neo wanted to fuck him into oblivion and bathe in his obliterated remains. That knowledge turned Mouse on like a dead light bulb that got a surge of electricity from the heavens. And the bulb's light illuminated in the clearing.

As Mouse left the mess hall, Neo ran after him and grabbed his arm. Mouse swung around and looked into Neo's eyes. The tension between them was unbearable. Neo felt like ejaculating right here on the bridge, allowing his cum to pass through the steel grid and plop onto anything and everything below it.

Mouse's voice was stinky as he said, "I want you in my pants, Neo."

Neo plugged his nose while moving closer to the young man. He thrusted his clothed hips into Mouse's, repeating that action again and again like a robot would do to a washing machine, as featured on Robot Chicken. "Kay," said Neo.

Neo led Mouse back to his cabin and slapped his bum as he stepped inside. "FUCK YEAH. GETTING ME SOME ASS TONIGHT." Mouse was even more turned on by this exclamation.

As Neo took off their pants and rubbed their hard twigs together, their rat infested hairs entangled as if they were building a bird's nest. Neo was pushed onto his cot and Mouse shoved his log into Neo's mouth. "Chicken, chicken, chicken," Mouse moaned, trying to hypnotize Neo into thinking he tasted like chicken. Chicken was damn good. As was this act of passion. Mouse felt as if he were the light bulb that the heavens had been injecting too much electricity in him until he realized CHRIST! This was no heavenly Gods blessing him with power, this was SATAN! Satan was cursing him with the power of light, and Mouse's bulb exploded before it was too late to flick the power off. Fuck.

As Neo swallowed the liquidized chicken, it burned through his ribcage and stomach and intestines alike until it launched itself to Neo's ovaries and latched onto an unexpected egg. Neo and Mouse had just made a baby. It was unknown to both members of the party and Neo was sad when Mouse left without pleasuring him. Neo was sad and angry and horny at the same time. It's the hormones, Neo, the readers reminded him. Pregnancy causes things like this.

Neo waved his wood around the room until the air had jacked him off and Neo fell into a coma-like sleep. He woke up from his coma the next morning and felt hornier than ever. He took a surprised Morpheus into the back room where Neo had played his first game of Seven Minutes In Heaven only a few days ago and Apoc fucked the shit out of him. Morpheus came into his hand and took an eyedropper and injected his semen into Neo's bum hole. Morpheus liked to feel clean with the true effect of sex. Neo was satisfied for now. But not for long.

Later that afternoon, Neo's sex addiction struck again. Cypher had been ever so oiled up after fixing the ship's amygdala. The ship was alive, of course. The thought of an oily trunk in his butt made Neo feel as if he was in heaven. Cypher, the mind reader, knew of this and did what Neo's desired. As he rammed his branch into Neo, Cypher repeated "Bejeezus! Whoa! Bejeezus! Whoa! Bejeezus! Whoa!" It was as if he were a broken record player.

These sexual acts went on for days. Neo had screwed nearly everyone on the ship. Mouse, Morpheus, Cypher, Apoc, Tank, Dozer… He even became bi-curious and went for it with Trinity. Luckily, she kept a strap on with artificial cum inside to use with Neo. He had sex with everyone but Switch. And he didn't plan to go anywhere near her.

Neo's problem was finally admitted and he received treatment. After a month of being free, Neo missed his period. He wasn't sure if this was normal because it was the real world, but he asked Morpheus to make a pit stop in Zion and have a doctor check him out. Their journey into Zion lasted 305, 280 minutes. Exactly 7 months. Neo was indeed pregnant. His belly had swelled to the size of a printer. It was rectangular in shape and occasionally paper would shoot out from under his shirt. He didn't mind though. It meant the baby was healthy.

They had finally made it to Zion after Neo's months of pondering who the father could be. Neo went straight to the 86th floor. It was Maury's floor. He figured he might as well get some publicity from this shit. "Maury," said Neo as he sat on Maury's couch. The cameras were rolling and the stage lights were causing beads of sweat to form on Neo's forehead and underneath his baby's shell as he glared at Mouse from the opposing couch. Neo told his life story and how he suspected Mouse to be Neo's babydadda. It was time for the moment of truth. Maury built up tension and the cameras zoomed in on Neo then switched to Mouse. Heartbeats raced and pounded. The paternity test came back and Maury said slowly with building enthusiasm, "Mouse… You are NOT THE FATHER!" Mouse stood up and cheered, dancing Michael Jackson's Thriller. The crowd roared with hoots and boos. Neo cried himself to sleep. He cried so hard that he had put himself into another coma. This time, Neo woke up from his coma seventeen years later.

The war had mostly obliterated Zion. Only the medical ward was left, much to Neo's luck. Two dark haired men stood at his bedside as he came to.

"Daddums, look! He's waking up," said the younger of the two.

"I know, son. I know." Neo opened his eyes and stared between the two beautiful men. The elder man sat on his bedside. "How do you feel?"

Neo stumbled over his words. "I-I… Who are you?"

The younger man's vomited several pieces of paper. "I'm your son," said the teenager with a computerized voice. "This is my father," he pointed to the elder man sitting on Neo's bed.

"D-David?" asked Neo, obviously in shock. The man nodded. "David, it's really you? It is!"

David Duchovny caressed Neo's cheek. "Of course, baby. It's always been me. Ever since that night, I've loved you."

Neo, David, and their son group hugged as the machines threw a bomb towards the med center. Nothing would ever be the same.