Chapter 5 – I Love the Rain the Most

The funeral took place a week later. Sitting in the church, between Cristina and George, Meredith felt removed, as if this wasn't really happening. Alex sat next to George, and even Izzie had put aside her own grief in order to attend. Listening to the pastor, she swayed a little in her seat and watched stars dance in front of her eyes.

"Meredith?" George leaned in and peered at her face. "You okay?"

"I'm fine." She forced herself to listen to the pastor's words and looked around at all the people who had shown up. Two rows back, Derek sat with the chief, Burke, and Bailey, along with Adele and Tucker. Cristina had told her that Burke was home, and going to physical therapy. He was expected to have full use of his hand within 6 months.

"Ellis Grey changed many lives. She was a surgeon, a healer, and…," the pastor droned on, but Meredith wasn't listening. She simply stared at the coffin and waited for this to be over.

At the cemetery, the crowd started to thin out after the burial. The sun beat down, and Meredith was hot in her black jacket. Still, she stared at the coffin. She knew that she was expected back at the house, that people were coming there after. Cristina had left with Burke, telling Meredith she would see her back at the house. Alex and Izzie had gone, and George now stood by his car with Callie waiting inside, wavering. He had asked her if she wanted a ride, but she had told him she would drive home.

"Mer? You sure you're okay to drive yourself back?" She nodded. "Are you coming now?"

"I'll be back in a little bit. You go ahead."

George got in his car, and with one final glance at Meredith, drove off. Still, Meredith stood there, staring. She heard footsteps behind her.

"Meredith." Derek. She glanced at him, and quickly looked away. "Do you want a ride back to your house?" She shook her head. "How are you? With all of this?"

"She… she's in less pain now. It's better this way." Still, her voice shook. "She died alone. She was alone."

Derek recalled what she had said months ago, when Meredith had cried in the supply closet that she didn't want her mother to die alone. "You couldn't have known that this was coming. A stroke isn't predictable." He reached out for her shaking hand, and she didn't pull away. It was ice-cold. "Come on, I'll drive you back to the house."

"I can't go back to the house. Everyone will be there."

"I'll drive you anywhere you want. We can go back to the trailer, or go to one of the docks. Anywhere."

She shook her head. "I have my car here. And I can't… I have to go back to the house. It's rude to keep everyone waiting." She pulled her hand free. "I have to head back now."

"All right. I'll follow you in my car."

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When they got back to the house, it was already filled with people offering their condolences. While Meredith talked, Derek went into the kitchen and filled up two plates. When he went back into the living room, Meredith had disappeared.

"Do you know where Meredith went?" he asked Izzie.

"Um, she might have gone upstairs."

"Thanks." He headed up the stairs and knocked on Meredith's door. "Meredith? It's me, Derek." When there was no response, he cautiously opened the door and went inside. Meredith was on her bed, crying silently. He walked over quietly and sat down.

"Mer?" When there was no response, he reached out and stroked her hair. "Do you want to talk? Because we can. You can tell me about your mother. You've never really talked about her before."

"No. I don't really want to talk about her." Her face was still buried in her pillow.

"Well, are you hungry? I brought food up here."

"No. Could you just – could you just stay with me? For a little while?"

"I'll stay as long as you want."

And that was how they fell asleep several hours later, with her face in the pillow and his hand in her hair.

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A week later, Meredith returned to the hospital at 5 AM for a 48 hour shift. Bailey, Alex, and Cristina were in the locker room when she walked in.

Bailey was the first one to notice her. "What are you doing back here? I thought the chief gave you two weeks off."

"He did." Meredith's voice was slightly raspy from her bouts of crying over the last 2 weeks. "But I can't stay at home any longer. I'll go crazy. And Izzie's being too nice, and sympathetic. I can't take it anymore."

Bailey's expression softened slightly at this, but her voice didn't change. "Fine. Yang, you're with Shepherd, Karev, you're with me, Grey, you're in Ortho, with Torres, and O'Malley-… Where's O'Malley?" The 2 other interns shrugged, as Meredith stood there. "Fine. I'll see you all later. O'Malley's dead when I find him. Being late..," muttering to herself, she walked out of the locker room.

"You're with Bailey today?" Meredith asked Alex. "What happened to being stuck with Addison?"

"You didn't hear? She went back to New York." Cristina explained. "I thought Derek would have said something to you."

"Well, he's called a few times, but I haven't been answering."

"Yeah, we noticed. And Izzie's been guarding you like a mother lion. She said you needed space. She wouldn't even let us go up to your room! But we did drop by."

"I heard. I'm sorry I didn't come down…."

"Don't worry about it. I'll see you later." With this, Cristina walked out of the locker room, leaving only Meredith and Alex.

"So how's Izzie?"

At this, Meredith suppressed her first real smile in weeks. "Alex, didn't you just see her yesterday?"

Alex turned slightly red at the reminder. "Yeah, I just wanted to know…"

"She's good. I think, with everything that's been going on, she's been kind of distracted and hasn't had time to think about Denny. So I guess she's doing better."

"That's good." There was an awkward silence. "So are you okay and everything?"

Meredith swallowed and made a valiant attempt at a smile. "I'm fine. I wanted to come back to work, so I wouldn't think about it."

"Yeah… You know, Shepherd's been asking about you every day."

"I heard… I guess I'll see him today."

"I guess. I'll see you later."

"Bye." He left, and Meredith stood by herself in the locker room.

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At lunch, Meredith sat down at an empty table. Her friends were all busy, and she twisted her napkin in her hands as she debated whether or not she wanted to eat alone. Just as she got up, Derek walked over.

He pulled out a chair, then paused. "Do you mind if I eat with you?"

She paused for a minute, sitting back down. "No, go ahead."

He sat down and looked at her. Meredith studied him, but avoided his gaze.

He took a bite of his sandwich. "So how have you been doing?"

"I'm fine."

"I tried to call you, to check." He paused. "I went to your house, also."

"I know. I haven't been picking up the phone, and Izzie's been keeping people away."

"I thought the chief gave you two weeks off."

"I couldn't stay at home any longer." She played with her food. "I wanted to come back." She pushed her tray away.

"Aren't you going to eat?"

"I'm not very hungry."

"Have you been eating this week?" She didn't answer. "We don't have to talk if you don't want to, but you should eat your lunch. You're here for another 40 hours."

"I want to. I'm just not hungry. But we can talk." She paused. "So what's been happening around here?"

"Well… Burke went home. I've seen him a few times, and he's making good progress in physical therapy. He should be back in a couple months. Not for surgery, but he should be able to operate eventually." He stopped, debating whether or not to tell her his news. "Addison went back to New York."

"Cristina told me."

"Yeah, our divorce should be finalized in a couple of weeks." He fell silent. He knew that now wasn't the right time to ask her about the two of them. "And I was thinking that we could bury Doc this weekend, if you wanted."

Her eyes filled. "You waited for me to bury him?" she asked.

"I knew it was important to you. Look, if it's too upsetting, with everything that's been happening, I could bury him myself."

"No, don't. I'll come over this weekend, and we can do it then." Just then, her pager went off. She looked at it. "I have to go. I'll talk to you later."

With this, she stood up and rushed inside. Derek sat at their table, frowning at her uneaten sandwich.

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