Chapter 6 – Step Away From the Cliff
That Saturday"You're going over to his trailer?" Izzie asked incredulously, sitting at their kitchen table.
"We're going to bury Doc, Izzie. That's all."
"Mer…"
"What do you think is going to happen, Izzie? The two of us are over."
"You were over," Izzie corrected. "Now you're talking again, and he's divorced."
When her comments failed to elicit a response, she sighed and stood up. Meredith lifted her head from the table. "Alex was asking about you at the hospital." She paused. "What are you going to do now?"
Izzie laughed slightly, but there was no humor in her face. "I'll answer your questions when you answer mine."
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Derek heard the car door slam, and walked to the window. Meredith stood outside her car indecisively. She fidgeted and reached for the car door handle, then pulled her hand back. She reached for the door again, and opened it to go back in.
Enough of this, Derek thought to himself. He strode to the door of his trailer and stepped outside. "Meredith!" He walked over to her car. "You weren't leaving, were you?"
"No, I just realized… I left my cell phone in the car."
Derek glanced inside her car, but didn't see her phone. He noted her bag in her hand, but decided not to call her on the lie. "Come on," he said, closing her car door and placing his hand on her arm. He started to walk towards the trailer, but she stopped.
"Why are we going in there?"
"I just want to show you something," he said, keeping his hand on her arm when she tried to pull back. "It'll just take a minute."
He opened the door to the trailer and ushered her inside. Meredith looked around. "You got a new trailer?" she asked, confused.
"Just until I figure out what I'm going to do with the land – I think I'll build a house, eventually. I've just got to find an architect."
"But what about your old trailer – what happened to it?"
"I got rid of it, sold it… I wanted to show you that we could start over, and hopefully erase any memories of Addison, and what's happened."
Meredith shook her head, her face doubtful, "We can't just erase what's happened, or forget what you've said and done, to start over. And I don't know that-" her voice cracked. "I don't know if I even want to try."
Derek's confidence fell, but his face remained calm. "Don't say that. You… you don't mean it." He silently chastised himself. It's only been a couple weeks since her mom's death, and a month since prom. Don't push – be patient.
Meredith pushed past him and towards the door. Outside, she kicked at a pebble with her toe, and turned back towards him. "I just came here to bury Doc. That's all. Not to talk about us or what we're doing."
"Well, when else am I supposed to talk to you?" His voice got louder, despite him trying to stay calm. Meredith flinched, but didn't respond. "You avoid me at the hospital, you won't take my calls, you won't answer the door, George and Izzie won't let me in, when else are we supposed to have this conversation?"
"We're not having a conversation now, Derek. You're yelling, and I don't want to talk, so this is over. Let's just do what I came here to do, and we'll talk some other time." She swallowed slightly, realizing what she had just said. Crap.
"When?" he asked, watching her intently.
"Some other time." She brushed her hair back with her hand, and Derek noticed how fragile she looked. Her hand shook, and her voice trembled as she spoke. "All I came here to do was to bury Doc, so if we're not going to do that…"
"No, we will." He began to walk toward the clearing, and she followed.
They made the walk in silence, until they arrived at the clearing. He had already dug a hole in the ground, and all that was left was to bury Doc and cover him.
Meredith carefully placed the box in the ground, and Derek picked up a shovel. He pushed the dirt back into the hole, until it was filled. He looked at Meredith.
"I thought we could take a walk along Tiger Mountain Trail, in Doc's memory." Meredith hesitated. "We don't have to talk. Not about anything you don't want to, anyway. Just walk, that's all." He waited, hoping for an affirmative response.
"That would be nice," Meredith replied slowly, as Derek let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. He reached for her hand, as they walked over to the trail, and she didn't pull away.
He smiled to himself, celebrating his small victory. His happiness faded as he looked over at her. Her cheekbones were sharp, her jawbone was prominent, and her fingers were thin. He strove for a light tone as he spoke. "I noticed you didn't finish your sandwich at lunch the other day."
She glanced at him, seeming to see the real concern behind the sentence. "You don't miss a thing." When he didn't reply, she sighed. "I wasn't hungry, like I said."
"We can have lunch after this, if you want." She shook her head. "What, desperate to escape me, or still not hungry?"
She shrugged her thin shoulders. "I just haven't had much of an appetite lately. It's been crazy, with Izzie quitting and my mother." She looked at him. "I'm fine," she said forcefully. When he stared back, she looked away, his steady gaze making her uncomfortable.
After several minutes of walking in silence, he spoke. "You can lie to everyone else, but not to me. If it would make everything easier, you could talk to me." He smiled at her. "Use me as a sounding board. I wouldn't mind."
She let out a short, harsh laugh. "What, like friends? That worked out so well before."
Derek was stung, but at the same time he knew he deserved that. "Not like before. I wouldn't-," he cleared his throat. "I'm sorry for what I said before, and I shouldn't have said that. I didn't mean it. I was- I was jealous."
Meredith's tone was slightly bitter, as she replied, "No, I'm pretty sure you meant it. You definitely seemed pretty sincere when you were saying it."
"I didn't mean it. When I said it, I had no right to be jealous that you were with other guys."
They arrived back at the trailer. "You still don't," Meredith told him, as she headed for her car. Derek quickly caught up with her, and pulled her around to face him.
He tilted her face up to his. "Yes, I do." He leaned closer, recalling what Addison had told him. "I'm not going away, Meredith, and I'm not giving up. If you want to ignore this for now, go ahead, but I won't let you do it forever."
Meredith stared into his eyes, feeling intensely vulnerable. She had a feeling he could see all her secrets. She wrenched her arms from his grip and fled to her car. "You don't have a choice."
Derek watched as she drove away.
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As Meredith rushed into her house, she caught a faint aroma of vanilla. Izzie was baking in the kitchen. The smell of food made her nauseous, and she rushed up the stairs and into her room.
She pulled open her night table drawer and rummaged through it. The room spun as she stared, once again, at her positive pregnancy test. Derek can't know, Derek can't know, she repeated to herself. What am I going to do?
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As always, reviews appreciated, and needed, as motivation for the next chapter. I know this one took awhile to post – sorry, I was away without access to a computer. Hopefully I can write the next one a little faster.