Derek slipped quietly into Meredith's room, which, luckily, was empty. He approached the bed as silently as possible, and looked around. A tube snaked into her arm, the label on the bag showed it was only fluids and electrolytes. Derek nodded to himself, pleased to have some idea of what was going on. Dehydration. He looked around for her chart, but Bailey had apparently anticipated this and taken it with her. The clock said it was 11:53 at night, and he was hoping that nobody would come back and find him here.
As he moved silently towards the head of the bed, the only sound in the room was the occasional beep of a monitor. Meredith stirred slightly, and he froze. Even though he wanted to talk to her, he knew it was probably not the best idea for her to wake up and find him there. She resettled her head on the pillow, but her sleep was no longer restful. She tugged on the blanket, pulling the corners out from underneath the bed. As she tossed and turned, Derek stood there, frozen. Just then she sat up in the bed, her eyes opening slightly. Derek jumped back slightly, then stopped. Even though he was in front of her, he had a feeling she wasn't seeing him. She pulled the blankets up to her chin and stared straight ahead. A slight whimper escaped her throat.
"No, no, don't go." Derek frowned – she didn't sound like herself. Actually, she sounded very young. Almost child-like. Just then, another cry escaped.
"Stay here. Don't leave me, you can't, you can't!" She quieted for a minute, then whispered, "Don't leave."
Derek was confused. Who was she talking to? "Don't leave, don't leave, don't leave." She was whispering them to herself, almost chanting the words.
"Don't."
Just then, she sat up more in bed and a small scream escaped. She stared straight ahead, her arm outstretched and her fingers closing on empty air. Her tone changed from one of pain to one of accusation. "You chased him away. It's your fault." Her tone softened. "And now he's gone." She began to cry, huge sobs that racked her whole body. "He's gone, he's gone, he's gone."
Derek just stood there. He thought he was witnessing something important, but he had no idea what this was. Jealously came to him quickly as he thought that maybe she was talking about an old boyfriend, but he quickly dismissed that idea. Her sobs had subsided, and she slid back down into the bed, tears still flowing from her now-closed eyes. He stepped closer to the bed.
"Meredith?" He touched her shoulder lightly, not sure if it was over. She turned her head into him, her tears soaking the front of his shirt. He lowered his head to hers. "Are you even going to remember this in the morning?" he whispered. She didn't answer, but the trembling of her body slowed, even as tears continued to fall.
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Bailey peered into Meredith's room. Everything was quiet and still. Bailey squinted at the chair. She pushed the door open further. As more light spilled into the room, it revealed that the chair held a sleeping Derek Shepherd, slumped over and holding Meredith's hand. She stepped quietly into the room and made her way over to the bed and Shepherd's chair.
"What are you doing here?" she asked, lowering her voice and shaking his shoulder.
He came awake with a start. "Bailey?" he whispered.
"What are you doing here, Shepherd?" she repeated. When Derek remained silent, she sighed. "I don't know if it's a good idea for you to be here when she wakes up."
Derek looked at Meredith, seeming to memorize the delicate features of her face before he stood up. "We probably shouldn't talk in here – we're going to wake her up."
Bailey nodded. "We'll talk in the hall," she said, gesturing for him to follow her out.
He pulled his hand free and gently placed hers on the bed. As he turned to leave, Meredith whimpered slightly. Both he and Bailey turned back at the noise. Meredith, still sleeping, sat up slightly in bed, her hand searching for his. Derek, seeing the panic flit across her face, quickly reached for her hand.
"Shepherd, what the hell is going on here?" Bailey hissed at him. As far as she knew, her intern had rejected him and was attempting to stay as far away as possible.
Derek stared at Meredith, who had settled back down and was starting to regain the peaceful sleep she had before. "She had a nightmare earlier, but I think she's calmed down." He looked at their intertwining hands. "I don't want to leave her alone."
"A nightmare?" Disbelief came across clearly in Bailey's tone. "About what?"
Derek was annoyed at her doubt. Did she think this was just a ploy for him to stay in Meredith's room? Still, he answered.
"I don't really understand what it was about. Besides, I don't think Meredith would want a lot of people to know," he replied, recalling what had been said. "It was private."
Bailey glared at him suspiciously, but acquiesced. "Fine. You can stay with her tonight, but I'll come by early in the morning, so you won't be here when she wakes up."
Bailey's tone left no room for arguing. Derek nodded reluctantly, watching as Bailey marched out of the room. He sighed, and slumped down in his chair, settling in for the night.
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The next morning, Derek walked across the hospital lobby, intending to get something to eat and then a few hours of rest in the on-call room. The chair last night hadn't been very comfortable. However, he stopped short when he saw Addison and Mark walking through the lobby towards him. Although it didn't bother him to see Addison with someone else, Mark's betrayal still stung, over a year later.
He stopped and nodded coolly to them. "Addison. Mark."
"Derek." Addison's unease was palpable. "How's Meredith?"
He shrugged, then jerked his head toward Mark. "What's he doing here?"
"Derek, please. Can we all just try to be adults here?" When Derek failed to reply, she sighed. "He's here because Richard found out we were in Seattle and asked him to come by for a consult." She turned to Mark. "Actually, why don't you go and see him now? His office is on the 5th floor." Mark stared at the two of them, looking first at Derek, then Addison. Seemingly satisfied with what he had seen in their faces, he nodded and left. Derek stared coldly after him, watching as he headed over to the elevator.
"Derek? Derek!" Addison's voice pulled his attention away from his former best friend. "How's Meredith?"
"I don't know, Addison," he answered tiredly. "No one's telling me anything, and she didn't wake up last night, so I haven't talked to her." He looked at her, seeming to search for answers in her face. Finding none, he went ahead and asked her. "Why do you care?"
Addison seemed taken aback by the direct question. "What?"
"Why do you care?" Derek repeated. "As far as I can tell, you should hate me and Meredith. Not that I want you to, but… Why do you care? Why are you being so calm and-," he searched for the right word, "civil about this? Actually, friendly would be a better way to describe it."
Addison hesitated. "We were married for almost 12 years, Derek. Just because we're not anymore doesn't mean that I don't care about your happiness. Don't you feel the same?"
Derek nodded. "No, I mean, of course, you're right. If Mark makes you happy… You seem happy… I'm actually…," he trailed off.
"You're what?" Addison prompted him.
"I'm actually jealous of what you two have. Not that I don't wish you happiness, Addie, because I do, but I feel like I'm never going to have that."
Addison was feeling slightly jealous herself. Derek certainly had never been so open about his feelings for her during their relationship. She patted his shoulder. "I'm sure you will. She loves you, Derek, and you love her."
Derek's tone was glum. "She has an odd way of showing it."
"She's hurt, that's all. She doesn't know whether or not she can trust you again. What did you think, that our getting divorced was the magic ticket? That after, Meredith was just going to fall into your arms and you'd live happily ever after?" she asked him, her tone slightly exasperated.
"I don't know what I thought. I guess I just thought she'd be more open to a relationship. You and Mark seem to…," he jerked his head towards to elevator that Mark had disappeared into.
"Okay, comparing the two relationships… they can't be compared," she said, shaking her head. "And I would suggest that you don't do that with Meredith, either, because she's not going to agree any more than I do." At Derek's silence, she continued. "Mark and I… he knew from the beginning what he was getting into. And even after he came out here and I said no, he still knew that going in. He knew what he was dealing with. Meredith…"
"I know," Derek cut her off, not wanting her to refresh for him what he had done to Meredith.
"No, you don't know," she said sharply. "I'm going to give it to you from her perspective." She held out her hand and started counting off on her fingers. "First, you started a relationship. Just when you started to open up to her and make rules, your wife – the wife you hadn't told her about – shows up. Second, you jerk her around about the divorce papers, then choose to stay with that wife." She stopped counting. "Than, you offer to be her friend. Her friend then proceeds to judge her on the guys she's slept with since him, after he chose to stay with his wife. You called her a whore, Derek. Then, you sleep with her on prom night, promptly divorce your wife, and tell her you want a relationship. Do you understand how she feels?"
Derek was still focusing on her previous sentence. "How did you know we slept together on prom night?"
Addison was taken aback. Truthfully, she had done the math when she found out about Meredith's miscarriage, but she wasn't about to tell Derek that. "I knew something had happened that night. Does it matter, Derek? The whole point of that little speech was to get you to understand where she's coming from."
Derek nodded slowly. "I get it. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do now." He exhaled slowly. "I want a relationship, Addie. I want things to be the way they were before."
Addison shook her head. "Derek. Things are never going to be that way again. You lied to her. You said unforgivable things to her. I understand that they were born out of jealousy, but I wouldn't forgive you for saying them," she said, shaking her head. "You better hope that Meredith is a lot more forgiving than I am."
"I already apologized," Derek said defensively. "So, what now? How do I get things to go back to the way they were?"
"Things aren't going to be that way for a while, Derek. You have to start over, and put up with all the mistrust and uncertainty. Everything you say is different now. Before, you had a clean slate. As far as she knew, you were unattached. Than your wife showed up. What you had before is not going to happen again for a while, Derek. If you don't understand that, I can't explain it to you," she said, striding away with her last words. Derek watched her go, frustrated, but knowing she was right. He and Meredith couldn't just go back to where they were before, but he hadn't wanted to accept that. Having it spelled out so harshly just made it even more painful. He didn't know where to begin in order to start over.
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Meredith lay in her bed, counting the ceiling cracks. She felt tired and broken, her limbs seemingly too heavy to move.
Bailey marched into the room. "Grey. Good, you're up."
"Bailey," she croaked. She sat up, looking for water. "What happened?"
Bailey poured her a glass of water and sat down in the chair beside the bed. "You were dehydrated."
"And?" Meredith prompted, knowing from Bailey's voice that there was something more.
"And you had a miscarriage." Bailey said softly. She reached for Meredith's hand. "Meredith, I am so, so sorry."
Meredith pulled her hand back before Bailey could reach it, and turned away from her, onto her side. Silent tears began to make their way down her cheeks, as her hair fell forward, hiding her face.
"Meredith," Bailey said her name tentatively, as though the slightest provocation would cause her to burst into hysterics. When the intern stayed turned away and didn't reply, she got up and went to the other side of the bed. "Meredith." She pushed the hair out of her face. "This was not your fault. You know this." When Meredith stayed silent, she asked quietly, "Did you know?"
Meredith nodded, tears still streaming down her face. "I knew. For the last few weeks, I knew."
Bailey searched her mind for something to say. Although she knew what to say to a patient after a miscarriage, she didn't know what to say to Meredith. "You know this wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. When a woman miscarries in the 1st trimester, it's usually a problem with the fetus. It's inevitable. There was nothing you could have done."
Meredith nodded. "I know that." While she was still crying, she sat up slightly and pushed her hair back. "What happened yesterday?"
Bailey hesitated, not sure if she should mention Derek. Still, she couldn't see any way around it. "You fainted in your house. Derek and Izzie brought you in."
"Derek…" Meredith said his name slowly. "Was he here last night?"
Bailey froze. "Why would you say that?"
Meredith looked at her steadily, the tears starting to dry. "I thought I saw him. I woke up during the middle of the night."
Bailey nodded. "He was here. He said you had a nightmare. When I wanted him to leave, he tried to, but you started to panic." She stopped, but realized she should finish what she had started. "I woke him early this morning, and he left. He stayed with you all night. I didn't tell him what had happened, and I took your chart with me. He doesn't know." When Meredith nodded, her suspicions were proved correct. The baby had been Derek's.
"Thank you for telling me, and for keeping it a secret from him." Her eyes started to fill up again. "I think I'd like to be alone now."
Bailey stood up. "All right, Grey. I'll come back in a little while to check on you. If you need me, page." She cleared her throat awkwardly. "You don't have to worry about the nurses. They won't bother you. I figured, you've been the topic of enough gossip, and I'll keep them away."
Meredith turned away. "All right. Thanks."
Bailey paused at the door, but couldn't find the right words. "If you need anything, page me." She slipped out the door and closed it firmly behind her. Meredith buried her face in the pillow, her small frame shaking.
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A few hours later
Addison hesitated at the door to Meredith's room. She didn't hear any noise coming from inside, but that could only be a good thing. It meant none of Meredith's friends were there. She pushed open the door and stepped inside.
Meredith heard the door open, but didn't turn to see who it was. Addison rounded the bed in order to see Meredith's face. Empty blue eyes met hers.
"I heard about what you've been putting Derek through," Addison said, nodding in approval. "Good job."
"Addison. What are you doing here?" Meredith asked tonelessly. Addison had a feeling Meredith didn't really care about the answer, but she decided to tell her anyway.
"Mark had a consult at Mercy West, and I came with him. Then Richard asked him to come here for the day, so I'm just visiting."
"Oh. That's nice." Meredith's voice was devoid of any interest, real or pretend. Addison knew just how to snap her out of that.
"I ran into Bailey in the hall yesterday. That's how I knew you were here." Addison said the words casually, as if Meredith's response didn't really matter.
Meredith sat up in bed. "Bailey told you?" Her face temporarily betrayed her. Anger, hurt, and confusion flitted across her face before it was wiped away.
Addison took her time answering. "She didn't tell me. But I do know what happened. She dropped your chart on the floor, and the papers went everywhere."
Meredith sat back in bed. "Great."
"I've seen Derek. Twice. Don't worry, I haven't told him anything." She smiled slightly. "He told me plenty, though. Apparently you've been putting him through the wringer."
Meredith shrugged. "Why do you want to know, anyway? What does it matter?"
"It matters. Derek and I were married for 12 years, and I want him to be happy. Mark and I… Well, I think Derek deserves that happiness too. And," her voice getting stronger, "so do you."
Meredith's expression was skeptical. "So you really have been talking to Derek. Because apparently, you also think that the two of us getting back together is the key to happiness and we can just forget everything that's happened?"
"Not at all," Addison corrected her. "I think you should take him back, and bring up the past to use against him whenever the two of you fight." Meredith smiled slightly. "I mean, if it's just pride here and that's why you won't take him back-"
"There are a lot of reasons I won't take him back, Addison," Meredith interrupted. "Pride's pretty much on the bottom of the list." She sat up straight. "Did Derek ask you to come here? Is that why you're here?"
"No, Meredith, no," Addison rushed to reassure her. "He doesn't even know I'm here."
"He does now," Derek said, startling them both.
"What are you doing here?" The three of them said in unison.
"Addison?" Derek looked at her, waiting for an answer.
"I came to check on Meredith," she replied slowly.
"What are you doing here?" Meredith retorted.
Derek turned to her, his expression determined. "I want to talk to you."
As usual, reviews always appreciated, and thank you to everyone who reviewed Chapter 8! A few people have written that Addison is being nice – I'm not sure if that was supposed to be a good thing or not, but I actually like the character of Addison, I just don't like her with Derek. For everyone who hasn't heard, the season 3 premiere of Grey's Anatomy is Thursday, September 21, at 9PM! Some people didn't realize that the show has moved to Thursdays - ABC has moved the show in order to compete against CSI. I have never seen CSI, but to everyone who watches both - TiVo is a beautiful thing. Now all you have to do is decide which show you're actually watching at 9! Also, the season 2 DVD set is being released September 12. September 12, September 21 – I can't wait!