The Elephant-Koi In The Room
The tangle does not loosen but tightens and twists, becoming a knot. After being entwined for so long, their lives irrevocably tethered together, Katara thinks on how to solve this conundrum. Perhaps she can still unweave the tangle, gently, or perhaps she will need a machete.
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Chapter Three
"All Push"
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Appa descended, a swiftly moving cloud against the blue sky. Katara felt a small shred of relief as she watched Aang direct the sky bison to land. Hopefully, the journey was worth the trouble.
The rest of the group bum-rushed Aang and Zuko as they jumped from Appa's back, expecting stories and some amazing new feats of fire-bending. Maybe Aang coming back unharmed broke down one of the final barriers in trusting Zuko for them. But Katara hung back. She was beyond thrilled that Aang had returned, but she couldn't say the same for Zuko.
Not that Katara wanted anything to happen to Zuko, necessarily. But the less Katara saw of him, the better.
They had dinner not long afterwards, and Aang and Zuko showed the group their new firebending…dance? Whatever this form was, it had helped bring Zuko's fire-bending back. And judging by Aang's new zeal for learning firebending, his avoidance and reluctance of manipulating fire was long gone.
Katara remembered the first time Aang learned fire-bending from Jeong-Jeong. According to Jeong-Jeong, firebending was destructive by its nature, a force of nature that man was foolish to try to control. He had burnt her, not intentionally of course, but in a way that was entirely preventable if Aang was simply a little more patient.
She looked down at her hands, as Aang and Zuko's fire-bending forms lit up the descending darkness of the evening in warm hues of orange and yellow. The same hands that Aang burned so long ago, the same hands that had saved Aang after Azula pierced him with lightning.
"I thought you had changed!"
She thought back to the crystal catacombs, Aang's lighting-scarred and limp body lifeless in her hands. Azula's smirking face, and Zuko grimacing and ready to strike. If Zuko's uncle hadn't intervened, Zuko would have helped his sister kill them both, and then been on his merry way back to the Fire Nation.
And now Zuko was here. Among Katara's friends and family.
Katara stood, trying to slip out to a quiet part of the temple without being noticed. She needed to be alone. She needed to think.
Among a few buckets of water that Sokka had collected earlier, Katara began practicing her own forms. Refining her control of the water, loosening her body, and pushing and pulling. Loathe as Katara was to remember Hama, she tried pulling water to bend from unlikely sources as well. From the mist rising from the ravine, from her own sweat as she did when she was captured with Toph, and from the loose collections of plants and vines that had worked their way into the temple's foundation.
Katara supposed everyone had their own specters looking over their shoulder. Zuko had Fire Lord Ozai, Katara had Hama. People whose influence they would have to work hard to overcome. As much as Katara disliked Zuko, she wouldn't become like Hama. She wouldn't let her vendettas erode her judgement and morality.
She felt a tug against the ball of water in her hands. A familiar tug. It tried wresting control from Katara, unspooling the water like yarn, but Katara maintained her composure and sucked the string of liquid back in.
"Looks like someone's been slacking on their waterbending training." Katara smirked as Aang poked his head out from a nearby corner. "You'll have to do better than that."
"I'm learning everyelement, Sifu," Aang said, slinking around and closing the distance between them. "chances are that I'm going to backslide on something. Besides, I wasn't even putting my all into it."
"Oh, so now you're patronizing your water-bending teacher. I should make you do fifty water-whips for that."
"Fifty? I'm already going to be doing twenty hot-squats a day for Zuko."
"That's for fire-bending class. This is water-bending class."
"I can't get a little bit of sympathy here?"
Katara crossed her arms. "Afraid not. Besides, if you didn't want to do hot-squats, you shouldn't have let Zuko into the group."
She noticed Aang averted his eyes for a split-second. When his eyes met Katara's again, they were more pensive and understanding. Was it something she said? She was mostly joking. Mostly.
"You doing alright, Katara?" Aang asked. "Anything you want to talk about?"
"Aang…I'm still not ready to talk about – "
"No, no, no. Not about that." And Aang's cheeks flushed red for a moment. "I'm just asking how you're doing. Like, personally. I know you've been through a lot recently."
Odd. Not that Katara didn't appreciate the concern, but what was bringing this on? "I mean…I can't say I'm fine, I guess, but I'll be alright. We've had a lot of setbacks recently, I guess I'm still trying to reconcile with some things."
"Yeah, I get it. That makes sense." Aang's movements when spoke were strange, like he was afraid of stepping on a snare trap. "You're okay with Zuko being around, right?"
"I can tolerate his presence, for the time being." Katara put her hands on her hips. Something was up. "What's going on with you, Aang?"
"Nothing. I'm just checking up on you."
She didn't need Toph's lie detection powers to know that Aang was holding something back. "Aang, you know can talk to me about anything, right? What's up?"
"I was seeing if you were okay. Is it that so weird?"
"No, but…"
"Anyway, I'm going to head back."
"You didn't want to train?"
"Maybe later." And Aang left with a wave, racing off atop his air scooter.
He was running away. And when Aang ran away, there was either a decision he would rather not resolve, a question he would rather leave unanswered, or a reality he was afraid of facing. It wasn't the first time Aang had ran away from Katara, whether physically or simply retreating into himself. But it was the first time that Katara couldn't suss out why.
She needed to speak with Zuko. He had some explaining to do.
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Zuko was exercising in his room when Katara finally managed to get a moment alone with him. Doing push-ups and clapping his hands together between each one. At least he kept his shirt on.
Somewhere between the twentieth and twenty-fifth push-up, Katara lost her patience and harrumphed loud enough to wake the dead. Zuko stopped midway through a push up; the look on his face could be described as 'oh no, what did I do now?' And for the first time, Katara noticed she was leaning against the door frame, same as start of their first 'conversation' in this room.
"What?" Zuko asked, rolling over onto his back and exhaling. "You here to threaten me again?"
"That depends. What happened to Aang during your trip?"
"Nothing. He's back safe and sound. You know, because I'm a good guy now."
Katara couldn't help but roll her eyes. "…anyway, he's acting weird. I thought you might help me out as to why."
The boy stood with a swift shuffle of his legs, his feet spiraling and generating momentum to bring him to his feet. Beads of sweat dripped from his brow; he must have been working out for a while. "I didn't do anything to him. Maybe he's just tired, we didn't have the easiest journey. And two dragons almost had us for lunch."
"You're not telling me everything." Katara's voice had grown louder and sharper, but with considerable effort, she tried to take the edge out of her tone. "Look, I probably shouldn't have said…what I said to you, but I'm not going take it back or apologize. But I'm just trying to figure out what's going on with Aang. He was fine before you guys left, and now he's acting strange."
Closing his eyes for a moment, Zuko took a deep breath. "That's what's wrong with him. What you said."
"What?" It took Katara a moment to connect the dots. "You told him?"
"Not on purpose. I…I blurted it out. We got trapped by…well, a trap, and we got to talking about life…and how I was adjusting to the group. Anyway, I said it without thinking."
The wind went out of Katara's chest, and she began to pace back and forth. She couldn't help but take Zuko at his word. Unwanted words falling out of his mouth were as core to his character as throwing fireballs and betraying people. Okay, and now Aang thought she was losing her mind or turning into Jet or something. Great.
"Look," Zuko said. "I told Aang you weren't serious. It's not a big deal."
"Well, he obviously didn't believe you."
"…I guess not." Zuko's voice lost its roughness, growing quieter. "You know, if you actually weren't serious, that would probably help."
"Well, I was." Maybe. Less so now. "I'm not letting my guard down around you. Not again."
"I'm not your enemy."
"Yeah, up until Azula gives you another pep talk."
"You're not being fair. I wasn't ready last time, to be who I'm supposed to be. Now I am."
"I'm so glad for you." And Katara was meeting Zuko's eyes with the most vicious leer she could muster. "Too bad Aang had to die for you to finally find yourself, huh?"
Zuko seemed taken aback by that. "He…he actually died? I thought Azula just hurt him."
"Isn't that what you told your father?"
"Azula told him that I killed Aang. But when I found out he was alive, I just assumed…Azula's strike was a hair out of place or something."
"…he's only alive because of the spirit water I had from the North Pole. The same water I nearly wasted on you." Katara wrapped her arms around herself. She found herself thinking back to that night entirely too often now. "It's funny. Aang's the one who died, but somehow it didn't affect him at all. And I'm the one who got left with the trauma."
"There's probably nothing I can say to make up for what I did, but I'm sorry. I really am."
Katara met his eyes, her gaze not wavering.
"You're right. You can't make up for it." Katara whirled towards an exit before she could gauge Zuko's reaction, and began walking away; she had said too much, again, but she wouldn't take the words back. "I'm going to find Aang. We're going to talk this out."
It wasn't long before Katara made her way back to the temple's atrium, a warm and softly glowing fire close to the center. Katara went up to Toph and Sokka, who were on opposite sides of the fire. She heard the tail end of a joke from Sokka, and Toph was snorting and laughing. Too bad Katara couldn't join them right now.
"Hey," Katara said as she approached. "Where's Aang?"
Sokka pointed his finger towards the far edge of the room. Aang had fallen asleep against Appa's soft fur, and Appa had followed his friend's lead, the low rumble of a sky bison's snores filling the space. And Momo had found a space to rest atop Aang's bald head.
"Where were you?" Sokka asked. "Swapping stories with Zuko?"
"Like I would swap anything with him."
About a week ago, finding Aang resting peacefully like this would have been a minor miracle. He was so stressed and fidgety about the invasion, and rightfully so, that he rapidly began cracking under the pressure. As Katara approached, she nearly changed her mind and went to sit with Sokka and Toph. But she waved the urge off. They needed to talk about this.
She placed her hand on Aang's shoulder and gave him a gentle shake. Aang stirred, rubbing one of his eyes with his hand as his eyelids flitted open.
"Katara?"
"I didn't want to wake you, but we need to talk. Please."
"Uh. Yeah. Sure."
They walked away a distance, opposite the direction where Zuko was. Not too far away from Sokka and Toph, but hopefully out of earshot. Katara wanted some amount of privacy. She didn't know what words they would exchange in this little meeting.
"Aang," Katara said, when they were far enough away. "…I'm just going to come out and say it. I know that you know about the…talk I had with Zuko."
Aang didn't say anything. He began to fidget, averting his eyes.
"I know you're upset about it. So talk to me."
"Katara …" Aang walked past Katara, looking towards the ravine in the distance. "You already said what you said. What's the point in talking about it?"
"Don't run away from this, Aang." Katara laid her hand against her hip, her voice softening. "Please. After all we've been through, I think I deserve better than that."
His shoulders stiffened, and when Aang turned back around, he wore a different expression on his face. Stern, but not angry.
"Did you mean it? That you would…kill Zuko?"
"I did, at the time. Now, I don't know. But I don't regret what I said. You're too important, Aang, and Zuko's betrayed us before. I'm not taking anymore chances." Katara's voice dropped to a whisper. "Besides, if you won't look out for yourself, then someone has to do it."
"I can look out for myself, Katara."
"You can't." And Katara shook her head at the notion. "You're too trusting, Aang. And I was too. Jet, Zuko, even Hama. I wanted to believe they were good people, and it blinded me. But I've tried to learn from my mistakes, and you haven't."
"Why is it a mistake to trust someone?"
"It's not, Aang. But you can't see people as you want to see them, you have to see them as they are." A cold breeze swept through the temple; Katara had a sudden urge to wrap her arms around Aang for warmth, but she kept her distance. "You're too important to me, Aang. I'd rather you be mad at me and still be alive, than to think of the world of me and end up dead. I can live with that."
"I don't want to be mad at you."
"But you are."
"What do you want from me, Katara?" A gust of air whirled around the boy, and Katara couldn't help but remember the time Aang did the same while they were taking refuge from a storm, when Aang was dragging up painful memories from his former life. "What answer do you want to hear from me? Yes? No?"
"I want you to be honest with me and stop running away from your feelings."
Aang went silent for a few moments, thinking over his next words. He turned his gaze down towards his feet; every bone in his body was telling him to leave, to avoid, to defuse the situation. After traveling together far so long, Katara couldn't quite read Aang's mind, but she could tell the general rhyme and rhythm of his thoughts.
"You've never hidden things from me before," Aang said, finally. "I don't want you going behind my back and threatening people. It's not you, Katara."
"I won't." Katara nodded as Aang looked up to meet her gaze. "…I can't stand having him here, Aang. With us. I guess I wasn't being entirely honest myself, when we voted to let him in, but having him around us…around you. It's driving me nuts. But the truth is, I felt bad about what I said to him. I don't know why, but I did."
"Because that's not who you are. You're a kind, compassionate person."
"Aang…I'm not perfect either, you know." And Katara began closing the distance between him, placing her hand on his shoulder. "Does this…change you how feel about me?"
"No."
"Aang."
Aang took a deep breath. "I still feel the same about you. But I'm disappointed. That's all."
A strange combination of relief and guilt rushed through Katara. She knew the truth, but the answer still hurt. "You have to see me as I am, Aang. I'm not exempt."
"I know." Any trace of languor was long gone from Aang. "I need some time to think."
"Alright."
Her hand slipped from his shoulder, maintaining contact for as long as she could before her forearm dropped away. As she left, Katara was once again struck with a sudden urge to wrap her arms around Aang, but at this point such a gesture would be superficial. But Katara did come to a stop for a brief moment, casting her gaze back towards Aang.
"I can promise to not keep things from you, Aang, but I'm not going to stop trying to protect you. If you got hurt, or worse, and there was a way I could have prevented it…" Katara trailed off, not wanting to drudge up bad memories again. "You're just going to have to come to terms with that."
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For the next couple days, they settled into an uncomfortable but routine rhythm. On the surface, Aang seemed his normal and goofy self, alternating between his fire-bending training with Zuko and messing around the temple with the other boys. But the air was still tense between the two of them. Aang didn't act any differently around Katara, joking around and talking to her as usual, but Katara could just tell something was off.
On the third day, Katara woke sprawled across her bed in the temple, the morning light filtering through her gradually unblurring vision. Her hair was such a mess that she probably would spend until mid-day untangling her locks, much to Toph's amusement. And she felt a hollowness in her chest. Likely because Aang was still in two minds about her.
Teo and the Duke were still sleeping in their rooms, and Katara didn't see a need to wake them yet. As she walked into the rock strewn atrium of the temple, Haru was bending shattered stones into the ravine, cleaning up the mess left in the wake of Zuko's hired assassin.
And Toph was shaking the dirt out of her hair and steadily wrangling her black locks into her usual bun, and Appa was still fast asleep. But there was no Sokka, no Aang, and no Zuko. A lack of Zuko was hardly a tragedy to her, but she needed to look for her brother and Aang.
Momo flew down from an alcove and landed on Katara's shoulder, chittering and rubbing his hand together, which meant he was hungry. Katara gently rubbed the lemur's head, which meant she would find him something soon.
"Toph," Katara said. "where's Sokka and Aang? Are they out hunting for food or something?"
"Apparently Sokka and Zuko went fishing." Toph inclined her head towards Haru. "He's got the paper they left behind."
Haru approached and handed the paper over. Katara smirked at Toph. "You know, Toph could be helping you clean this up, Haru."
Toph crossed her arms. "Haru wanted some bending pointers, so I told him to clean this mess up and I'd have a general idea where his skill level is at."
"Oh, so you tricked him."
"I didn't trick anybody. You're the one who cares about everything being clean and orderly."
"It's fine, Katara," Haru said, with a smile. "it's not every day I get to hang around a master earth-bender. And a metal-bender. I didn't even know that was possible."
Out of the corner of her eye, Katara saw Toph stick her tongue out at her. "Flattery will get you far in the Toph's Earth-bending Academy, my star pupil. Some people could learn a thing or two from you."
Katara chose to ignore the comment, focusing on the paper Haru handed her.
"Need meat. Gone Fishing. Back in a couple days. Sokka and Zuko."
It was definitely Sokka's handwriting. Katara couldn't stand the idea of Sokka being alone with Zuko, anymore than she could Aang. But if Aang could return from an ancient and booby-trapped temple with Zuko and be more or less okay, then she supposed Sokka would be fine on an extended fishing trip.
"What about Aang?" Katara asked. "I haven't seen him."
"Went to go meditate somewhere. Working on his spiritual mumbo-jumbo I guess."
Katara started to leave in search of Aang, when Toph's voice stopped her in place.
"Hey, maybe you should give him some time to himself."
"Why's that?"
"He'll be fine on his own, is all I'm saying." Toph held up her hands in a gesture of surrender. "I'm not trying to have an argument with you, Katara. But Twinkletoes might need a little space right now."
Looking between the two girls like a bunny-mouse caught between two sabertooth-lions, Haru backed away from the conversation, jutting one of his thumbs in the direction of the rubble around the reflecting pool. "I'm just going to go back to cleaning up, give you two some privacy."
"Did something happen?" Katara asked as Haru left. "What's going on? Did Aang say something to you?"
"Nothing. And no. Look, Katara…" Toph rose to her feet, rubbing the back of her head as the words trickled from her mouth. It took a moment for Katara to realize that Toph was actually being bashful, for once. "You remember when Appa got stolen, and Aang was all out of sorts? And you led us out of the desert?"
"Yeah. That was a pretty tough time."
"It was. But it gave me some perspective on you, Katara."
"How so?"
"I…" Toph shook her head, as if trying to get her thoughts to fall out of her earlobes. "I've always admired how you never hide your feelings, Katara. Whatever you feel, you show. Sometimes it's really annoying, but I think it's a really positive thing overall."
"I really appreciate that, Toph." And Katara really did, even if her words didn't seem relevant right now. "But…what does that have to do with giving Aang space?"
"Well, I feel like you try to draw other people's feelings out too, Katara. Especially Aang's. You know, just naturally. And when you just want to be left alone and want some time to process, that makes it really hard to be around you."
Katara hadn't ever considered that. How could being honest with your emotions, and trying to get others to strive for that same honesty be a bad thing? She never wanted to be overbearing. And she definitely didn't want to push anyone away.
"What made you say all this, Toph?" Katara asked. "Did you hear our conversation a couple nights ago?"
"Bits and pieces, but he's been more distant since that night." Toph pointed her thumb towards herself. "I'm the one who taught that kid how to stand up for himself. But I had to learn when to push him and when to pull back. Like you said that one time, sometimes he needs a gentle nudge. Sometimes he needs a punch in the shoulder. And sometimes you just need to let him stew."
"Push and pull," Katara said. "and right now, I'm all push."
"Yep. Just give him some time, and he'll come to you." And then Toph laid back, earth-bending a stone couch out of the ground. "So, we doing another one of those foot-healing sessions, or what? My feet are still a little fuzzy."
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