Disclaimer: Okay, if you haven't seen a different disclaimer yet, why would you read the middle first? I'd recommend you read any other part. But I still should give a plug to XxSanitariumxX.
So begins the longest piece I've uploaded to date. Oh, and I wasn't sure about what would end up going out of style hundreds of years in the future, so bear with me when it comes to desks, paper, pens, printers, and tardy passes.
"What are you two doing here?" someone behind a nearby desk asked. I looked toward the speaker, a female tiger of some sort who I'm pretty sure wasn't the principal. "Need a tardy pass?"
They still have those? I wondered. "Yeah, that'd be great," I said, scratching my head.
"Why were you two late? Makin' out in the halls?" she asked. I felt my face grow hot.
"No, of course not!" I said too fast, before looking away from Krystal. I suddenly remembered why I'm not good at being around people.
"No, some bullies threw him in a locker."
"Oh, and I'm sure you had nothing to do with it?" the woman said, pointing a finger at Krystal.
"No. I was just late because I don't have my schedule."
"Mmm-hmm," she said, glancing at Krystal's bare arm. "Well, c'mere, both of you," she finished, turning toward a computer. After pressing a few keys and clicking on some things which I couldn't see, she asked, "Name?"
I looked uncertainly at Krystal. After a few moments, she turned back to the tiger and said, "Krystal."
"Last name?" she asked. I looked over at Krystal. I knew that the others in the games had last names, but I didn't even know if she did. "Oh, wait, here you are," the tiger said before Krystal could answer. After a few clicks, a printer nearby started working silently. So at least printers and paper aren't an ancient technology. "And you?" she asked, looking toward me.
"Ditto."
She nodded and clicked a few more things. Another, smaller sheet of paper was printed, and she passed the sheets to us. She pointed at me, "You need to fill that out first. There are pens over there."
"Thanks," I said, looking for one of the pens. Krystal decided to follow me, looking at the slip of paper she'd been handed.
"I still don't know where any of these are," she said.
"There are signs all over the place," I said as I started filling out the slip of paper. She must have typed in much of my information, because the only thing I was left to write was why I was tardy. "The school's supposed to be navigable without a map."
"Oh. Well...think you could help?" she asked, standing next to me.
I knew I'd regret saying it. But I also knew I couldn't not say it. "Yeah."
The tiger gave a heavily exaggerated sigh. Krystal smiled again and stood next to the door.
Maybe I shouldn't have written this note in English, I thought, before an image of the troll face appeared in my mind. I snatched the paper off of the desk and tossed the pen back where I'd found it. Too late to change it now, I thought with a smile.
Thankfully, Krystal and I didn't share first period. That way when I showed up fifteen minutes late, nobody accused me of making out with her. Again. But in fact, we only shared two classes, if lunch wasn't counted. I could hope that she would have other friends to sit next to in those classes, if only to keep me from actually falling for a character that was technically fictional. But I did have Eli in that first class, and I had to resist the urge to tell him just how much he'd ticked me off by leaving me to get his spot in a locker.
In that first period, most of the other students were staring at me and whispering, like I was an alien. Ignoring that true fact, I tried to act like I belonged, which really didn't work. They must not have missed my bruised face, but they managed to ignore it. And once the others saw me actually talking to Eli, they decided that I wasn't dangerous, and a few actually tried to talk to me. Of course, the middle of class was a bad time to try that, so they only managed to get themselves in trouble. Since it was the first day, the teacher decided to make each of us stand up and say something about ourselves.
My mind flashed through every meme and cinematic reference I could when she chose me, but instead of saying something like "I am your father!" I just went with "I'm Ditto, and I'm human." That statement didn't please the canine teacher.
"Please say something else about yourself," she said.
"Okay," I agreed. I could see someone recording me. "I'm Ditto, and...I like to write."
"Oh, an aspiring author?" she asked.
"No, you haven't heard of anything I've written," I said before she could ask. And before she could respond to that statement, I sat back down. It didn't stop the other students.
"Where's your tail?"
"How do you hear anything with those ears?!"
"Do you eat other humans?"
"Can you really read minds?"
"Class, class, settle down," the teacher said, standing up. "One at a time."
Great, I thought. That way, I can't ignore any of them.
The next ten minutes or so were made up of me squelching rumors about humans. I could tell by the questions that the students' minds were affected by propaganda, some more than others, so even when they asked if I was a cannibal, I calmly told them the truth. Without any sarcasm, no matter how badly I wanted to use it.
Eventually, the teacher managed to continue with introductions. It couldn't have come too soon for me; I was starting to wish I was still inside that locker, where I could bang my head against the flimsy metal that absorbed the shock. The wall to my right was too solid, and the desk made too much noise. So instead, I just rested my head against the desk and thought about the universe as a whole.
I still had no clue how to get out. And I really didn't want to wait for the three-or-so months it would take to catch up to the story I was in. But maybe it actually was related to Krystal showing up. I'd like to have said it was only my own desires, but this was the fourth journey, and each one had been perfectly canonical, up until my appearance. It made no sense for it to deviate now.
"Hey, Ditto," Eli said. "Teacher says we can talk now."
"Okay," I replied, sitting up straight. Fortunately, most of the class wasn't too concerned about me. Now that introductions were done, the teacher, whose name plate I couldn't read from where I'd been sitting, had told the class to socialize for the rest of the period.
"Listen, I'm sorry about what happened before," he said. "I didn't know what to do, so I ran to get a teacher. When I got back, you were gone."
"It's fine," I said. I'd hurt for the next few days, but it's not like I'd die. Besides, I may not have met Krystal had it not been for his failure in avoiding trouble. "So why were they messing with you anyway?"
"Oh," he said, looking down and away from me. "I may have done exactly what you told me not to."
I slapped my forehead. "What did you do?"
"Not much. I just bumped into one of them. Of course, he pushed me away, and I pushed him right back. I ain't no punk."
"Eli, you were stuffed into a locker. I think that means you are, in fact, a punk."
"Yeah, well, looks like they got you, too. So who's the punk now?"
"You," I said with a laugh. "You're the one who challenged them."
"But they never actually got me into the locker."
"Thanks to me. You remember, when you shouted for help?"
Eli just stared at me without responding. I shook my head and, seeing someone else using their communicator, pulled out my iPod. I had a few funny videos on it, and even though it was considered an ancient artifact, I'd managed to find a charger for it without too much trouble. Apparently that connector hadn't quite gone out of style.
"What is that?" Eli asked. I tried to ignore him, but it wasn't very effective. "Dude, how old is that thing?"
"Very," I told him. Of course, it was another half-truth; it was at least a few years old, so I actually did consider it old. Not quite as old as he thought I meant, but I hadn't actually lied. I didn't stop to wonder whether telling so many half-truths would be a good idea.
"And it still works?"
My shoulders fell and I sat up straight – my normal reaction to stupidity – and I stared at him for a few moments.
"What?" he asked.
"What do you think?" I asked.
"Oh," he said after some hesitation. I heard someone nearby snicker.
"No, really, though, what did you think I was doing?"
"Alright, okay, I get it," he said. But that snicker had become a quiet laugh, and more were starting to appear. I glanced around at the people who were laughing, trying to come up with something to keep them laughing, but my mind drew a blank.
The rest of that period passed pretty quickly. Since none of them had seen the old videos on my iPod, I showed the people in the surrounding desks a few of the shorter videos, but they didn't understand what was going on in many of them. I tried to explain that the videos were just collections of random short jokes, but apparently they weren't that interesting. Still, ASDF Movies always made me laugh, and that day wasn't an exception.
Eventually, the bell rang. I wasn't the first out the door, but seeing as how I didn't even have any sort of backpack or notebooks, I was close.
"Hey, wait," Eli called after me. "Where are you going next?"
"Oh, I don't know," I said, bringing up my schedule. "Something about ballistics or weaponry or something. I just took it because it sounded cool."
"Lucky you," he said, looking over my shoulder at the text he couldn't even read. "I hear Ms. Kensington's the easiest teacher here."
"Dude!" I said, turning toward him. "I really hope you're talking about her tests."
"Oh, so that's what you call them," he said, looking down in mock contemplation.
"That's gross, man. She's a teacher."
"Hey, any port in a storm," he said, shrugging.
"You would," I said, shaking my head. I immediately set out for that class, which sent him the wrong impression.
"So why are you hurrying to her class then?" he asked.
"That doesn't sound like the kind of class to be late to," I explained. I really didn't want to draw attention to myself if he was telling the truth, but I didn't think he'd believed me. With any luck, he'll get stuffed into another locker, I thought.
I managed to reach the class without much of a problem. I didn't see anyone I knew on the way, so I made pretty good time getting there. Once I arrived, the teacher, a white swan, stood up and approached me nervously.
"Umm...hello...you're the human exchange student, right?" she asked.
"Nope," I responded. She was apparently confused, so I just walked right to the seat I'd already chosen in my mind: the one right next to the seat in the rear corner. I wondered if knowing the future would count as cheating, but since no more marks appeared on my arm, I assumed it wasn't wrong to know four of the students that would be going to this class.
"What's your name?" she asked.
"Ditto," I said, leaning back. She wrote something on a notepad and sat down again.
"If I may ask...what are you?"
I decided to make it easy for her to understand. "Human, obviously. I'm just not the exchange student."
"Oh..." she said, looking back down at...whatever she'd been doing. Now just to wait for Falco, Slippy, and...I sighed. Bill. Well, I was waiting for Relics, too, but that's why I'd taken this specific seat. That way, I could force him to take the one in the corner, and then introduce him to Fox's friends. Maybe I could actually speed up the story without breaking anything. It hadn't really worked in Ocarina of Time, but how was I supposed to know that he had to heal the Deku Tree first?
"Stupid Ghoma," I said under my breath. Thankfully nobody heard.
Then I heard Falco's voice out in the hall. He was talking to someone, apparently bragging about something, and then he walked through the door. He was followed closely by a bulldog (or maybe a pit-bull, still not very good with the whole breed thing), and Slippy was the last of the trio. I nodded toward him, and he stopped mid-sentence when he noticed me.
"So how'd a freshman get this class?" he asked before sitting nearby.
"I guess I'm a special case," I replied. "So, you meet up with Fox yet?"
"No," Slippy answered for him. At least I can always rely on Slippy. "Fox hasn't shown up yet."
"Late nights with Miyu," Bill, the dog, said while elbowing Falco. Falco nodded knowingly. So, looks like Fox isn't all that concerned with Krystal right now, I thought. And then I realized what I'd just thought. What? No, no, no! She's a fox for crying out loud! I doubt if she would want to date a human.
"So what happened to you?" Falco asked. "You look like you lost a fight with an ugly stick."
"You're not much better. A couple of goons shoved me in a locker. Nothin' special."
"Goons?" Bill asked. Apparently my word choice amused him. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means a couple of meatheads who just happened to be working together."
"Dang, that's so close to describing Bill here," Falco said, "But he's all alone."
"Your mom's all alone," Bill retorted. I couldn't help a groan. Please tell me he's not one of those people.
"Wow," I said after recovering from the terrible insult, "nice comeback. Maybe next time you can use one that you didn't find in a bathroom stall?"
Falco held out his hand for a low-five, which felt like a big step for me. I slapped his hand without looking at him; if you aren't looking while doing something, it's always at least twice as cool. Although, that's a bad idea for certain things. Driving, shooting, fighting, running, texting, most sports, I thought.
"Y'know what I found in a bathroom stall once?" he asked, looking at me. I knew he had set me up for another "your mom" joke, but I managed to reverse it.
"Your mom's phone number?" I asked. I heard an exaggerated "Dayum!" from across the room, and I felt at least a little more accomplished.
"Dammit," he said, turning forward again.
"Hey," I said, tapping his shoulder. I figured being his enemy wouldn't be a good idea. "I'm Ditto."
"William, but everyone calls me Bill," he replied. I once again resisted the urge to tell him that I already knew.
"Who is that?" a girl nearby asked. I looked up and saw Relics entering the room.
"Hello..." the teacher asked, nervous again. "...are you the human foreign exchange student?"
I could see the look on his face that read "of course, idiot," so before she could ask his name, I called him.
"Relics!" I shouted, pointing with a thumb at the seat in the corner. He noticed me and hesitated, but when the teacher told him that there were no assigned seats, he reluctantly took a seat where I'd pointed.
"When did I tell you my nickname?" he asked.
"It's not hard to know," I said. "I mean, you've pretty much been all over the news."
"Hey, Ditto, who is that?" Bill asked.
"Oh, right," I said. "Bill, Falco, Slippy, this is Fox McCloud, A.K.A. Relics. He's nervous about being on Corneria, so just don't bite."
Relics looked at me like I'd said that he likes performing ballet.
"Hey, it's true, isn't it?" I asked. "I mean, I can tell that the Cornerians don't like either of us, so I assumed the feeling was mutual."
"Mmm..." he hummed, glancing warily at the three animals.
"You're going to want to get in good with these guys," I said.
"I doubt that."
"Just trust me on this one," I said, chuckling.
"So, Relics," Bill started, "How do you like it here so far?"
"It's pretty cool here. A lot of new and...interesting things," he replied. Just like he was supposed to, I thought. I didn't pump my fist, but I let my personal "disasters averted" counter tick up to one. Although, considering everything that had happened with Falco, Krystal, and I, and that everything was still going according to plan, I gave myself a few for good measure. It was now at five.
A/N: Well, I don't know exactly why I made this one so long. But the next chapter is in production, and even though I doubt if I can keep current pace with 2 uploads daily, I think I can get one a day, at least for now. I'm telling you, I've never written ten thousand words in two days before.
EDIT: Quality over quantity...quality over quantity...
Anyway, I would like to say AGAIN that the first-person isn't me. And I still haven't seen Waldo.