Disclaimer: This little piggy does not own Durarara
„But Namie, what if I have a nightmare?" Izaya whined, looking at her with those sad, begging, red eyes.
"Izaya, your sixteen. You're too old to have nightmares." She sighed.
"Am not." He pouted, clutching the pillow closer to his chest.
They moved into their new home just this morning, and everything was going fine, until Izaya realized that he had his own room now. He now sat skulking on the blue covered bed, clutching one of the pillows close to his chest. His gaze was traveling from her to the floor and then to her again, as if he was not sure where to look.
"Look if you have a nightmare then you can come to my room, okay?" she offered a compromise.
"And what if I can't wake up from the nightmare?"
"I'll leave the doors open and I will hear you from across the hall and come. Is that okay?"
"But what if you don't hear me, what if I have a silent nightmare?"
"You never have silent nightmares Izaya."
Izaya pouted again and dug his face into the pillow. She sighed at the younger ones behavior. She knew that this hurt his feelings, but he needed to learn to be independent. And the first step in making him independent was making him sleep alone. It was cruel, but he has to learn.
"I don't want to sleep alone, Namie. It's scary when I'm alone. And it's lonely."
"Izaya, your not a kid anymore, you need to learn. Can't you do this for me?"
That was a really cheap shot, but she needed to do it. He sighed looking unsure, but still nodded.
"Okay Namie, I'll do it for you."
"That's my boy." She smiled hugging the unsure raven head.
"You promise that you'll be there if nightmares come back, right?" he whispered softly.
"Of course I will, and I won't leave you until they are all gone."
"I love you Namie." He sighed in her shoulder.
She stiffened at those words. Again. Why was it so easy to deal with them before, and so hard now? Maybe because they felt real now. And…she didn't know how to answer the small raven. She didn't know what to say to the boy who said his I love you-s way too easily. Did he really feel that way? Her heart and mind both told her he did. His eyes and voice confirmed that assumption. Well then there was only one problem.
Did she love him?
Did she?
She never really thought about it. Izaya was a very important part of her life. What began as a relationship between master and a pet developed in a strong friendship. But did she feel something more for the boy? She wasn't sure. She lived with Izaya for a very long time and things were just confusing. She could never tell him that she doesn't know where her feelings for him lay, because…that would break his heart. She didn't want to break his heart. She didn't want to see the boy cry, not again.
He was a good kid. He deserved better then he got. He deserved a real family, real friends. He deserved to live his own life, not to spend it waiting on someone. She hugged the boy tighter, trying to apologize for all those years of abuse and neglect he took. And he never once complained. He never once raised his voice, or asked what he did to deserve such humiliation. He never once tried to hit back, to take revenge or to run away. He would just curl up in the corner, took all of the physical and mental abuse that was meant for him and silently cry himself to sleep.
He was such a good boy.
Suddenly she felt that pillow being pushed back on the bed and Izaya hugged her tightly.
"Don't be sad, Namie, please don't be sad."
What…how did he…
"Don't be sad Namie, everything will be okay. Please Namie. I want you to be happy."
…know?
"Izaya, what are you talking about?" she smiled at him.
"You were sad, you were sad because of something. Why were you sad?"
Same old Izaya, always worrying about someone else. Never once stopping to look back and take care of himself…
"I'm okay Izaya. I'm okay. No need to worry."
Izaya pushed himself from her studying her face with a serious expression.
"You were sad when I told you I loved you…Namie do you love me?" his voice quivered a bit, his heart both wanting to know the answer and fearing of what the answer may be.
She sighed. She had to tell him.
"I don't know Izaya. I…"
"What did I do?" his eyes looked at her with complete misery as tears started to get ready to fall down.
"No, no Izaya, not that way, you don't understand." She gasped out, quickly embracing the boy; "You don't understand Izaya. It's not that I don't love you at all. I do…I'm just not sure…is it the way you love me."
She felt his body relax a little as he trembled in her arms. Trembled from fear. From fear that her words brought.
"Okay. As long as you don't hate me." He whispered.
"I could never hate you."
"I love you, Namie."
She chuckle at that, feeling guilty while she did it. No matter what, his love was always so persistent. Always there, just for her, just to make her happy, just to make her smile. And that's exactly why…she couldn't keep on hiding some things from that boy.
"Izaya?"
"Yeah?"
"How much do you remember…about the time when you first…came to me?"
He twitched a bit and looked down on the floor, as if the answer would appear on the carpet. When it didn't, he sighed, realizing that he is on his own.
"Almost nothing…I remember that it was cold, and that I was scared, and there was something hurting me from my inside. And then you came and made everything better and I fell in love with you."
He looked up at her, hoping that's the answer she wanted to hear. She sighed, and pushed her self up on the front of the bed, resting in the pillows. She tapped a place next to her and Izaya, not needing to be told twice, plopped down there, choosing rather to curl up next to her like a kitten, then to sit up like a person in a normal conversation. She smiled at him fondly and brushed his dark locks, smiling even more when he closed his eyes in pure happiness.
"You know, Izaya. People don't fall in that kind of love when they are five. You were five."
"I guess I'm just different." He smiled, opening his eyes slightly.
"No you're not, Izaya. You didn't love me naturally…"
His head rose up, his eyes looking at her in confusion. She wasn't sure how much he knew, how much he guessed. But this was it, all cards on the table.
"…my uncle made you love me."
The room fell silent, his eyes staring at her in disbelief, begging her to take it back. To take it all back. To tell him that all his love wasn't just a lie, just a game. She didn't. She just stared at him. Stared at that helpless, scared, little animal that was caught in the trap of its own love.
"But…"
"I should have told you sooner."
"I…I loved you…"
"You thought you loved me."
"I still do…I still love you Namie."
His eyes begged her. Begged her to deny the horrible truth, begged her to accept his love.
"I can't see how you still can." She answered firmly, even thought she was falling apart looking at those eyes; "I ruined your life Izaya. You could have been happy if it wasn't for me."
"I love you…" he trailed, his eyes filled with tears.
Nobody ever told him what to do in this kind of situations. His head dropped back on the bed, and he turned his back to her, for the first time in his life, not letting her see the tears that started sliding down his cheeks.
"Izaya?" she said, but went quiet right after that, realizing that there are no words to fix this situation. Realizing that her presence just brought more pain to the boy.
"I'm sorry. I know it doesn't mean anything, but I'm sorry." She said and stood up from the bed, not wanting to hurt the boy further.
She exited the room, throwing one last glance at the sobbing boy, before descending to the kitchen to get ready for dinner. Even though Izaya was the one who usually cooked in their home, she knew a few recipes herself. So she started to cook, trying to get her mind of the crying boy in the room.
Hours passed and Izaya didn't come down, not even after she called out to him for dinner. She ate her dinner alone, listening to the sound of silence coming from the hall. He wasn't crying anymore. But that didn't mean he was okay with what he's been told. To Izaya, his love towards Namie was his reason to live. She could only imagine the pain that passed through him when she told him that it was fake.
Finally she decided to go upstairs and check on the situation. She took a platter of food and a glass of water with her, knowing that he is going to be hungry. She knocked on his door softly, not sure how will she confront the younger one about this. Unsurprisingly, there was no response, so she opened the door and walked in, only to find Izaya in the exactly the same position he was in when she left.
"Izaya…I brought you some food."
"Not hungry." Came the quiet response.
She knew that was not true, so she sat herself on the bed next to him, food platter still in her hands.
"Come on Izaya. You have to eat something."
"Not hungry."
"Please Izaya."
"Not hungry."
"You know that I'm sorry right?"
"…Why?"
"Hmm?"
"Why would your uncle do this to me?"
She sighed, laying the food platter on the night table. It could wait.
"My uncle wanted to make me happy so he brought me all kinds of dolls and toys. But I never liked any of them. So one day he told me that he is going to give me the best doll of all. One that would be alive. One that I could command to, one that would obey me without a second thought. That doll was you. I'm sorry, Izaya. It was all my fault."
Izaya sniffed silently, and at her surprise snuggled closer to her, turning around to face her.
"I could never blame you for anything, Namie."
"Izaya, how can you, I…"
"I don't care Namie, what happened, happened. It's in the past now. You were young and brought up by your uncle, who isn't exactly, well…I…you know."
"The nicest person." She finished for him, smiling sadly at his incapability to badmouth her uncle.
However she was surprised at the fact that usually cheerful and free minded Izaya said something so…serious.
"Namie?"
"Yes?"
"Can I…can I ask a few questions…about me?"
"Of course, but you need to eat too." She agreed shoving a plate of food in his arms.
He obediently nodded, propping himself up and sitting cross-legged. He picked around his food unwillingly, until finally taking a small piece to his mouth.
"Did…did I have…a family?" his voice shook with emotions.
"Yes, yes you did." She answered silently.
"Do they…" he gulped; "…know what happened…to me?" his sad eyes meet hers for a second, before his gaze fell back to the food.
"No…my uncle made it look like you died…drowned I think. I'm not sure how he did that, though."
Izaya choked back some tears and nodded, nibbling on his lip lightly.
"Did…did they love me?" his voice was silent, trembling, afraid of the answer.
"I don't know for sure, but I think they did. You were always such a good boy." She hoped that he wasn't in too much pain.
"Are…are they still…" he shook in fear slightly, tears dancing down his cheeks.
"Alive?" she asked, fearing that question.
He nodded painfully.
"No…I don't know what happened to your parents but they died."
Izaya cried out again, showing her head into her lap, mourning the people he never knew. Her own eyes stung with tears as she watched the younger one break into sobs, trying to comfort him when she knew that she could not. Izaya cried for his parents, for people he did not remember, but who gave him life. He cried until there were no more tears left in him, and the he just laid there, in Namie's lap, hiccupping softly in his sadness.
He thought of the family he once had, but lost. Were they close? Did they have fun together? Or where they cold and distant like Namie's family? What did they do for fun? Did he have any siblings? Pets? Namie mentioned none. He sniffed sadly thinking of the life he could've had. He tried to make his brain remember something…anything from those days that were lost. His mind came up with faint pictures of a smiling woman with tied up hair, and a serous man with glasses. A faint picture of a little boy tugging at his father's coat, smiling widely when his father would take some time to play with him. Yes they were happy, not perfect, but happy…until everything disappeared in clutches of Namie's uncle, and he was left alone. All alone. No…that wasn't true, he wasn't all alone. He still had Namie. Namie loved him, Namie cared for him.
"Izaya?" Namie's soft hum interrupted his thoughts.
"Yeah?" he looked up, trying to place a small smile on his face.
"Eat up, now and I will take you to see something, okay."
He nodded; pushing himself up, wondering what Namie wanted him to see. He just shrugged it off and finished the rest of the food, not really caring about what he was eating. Once when he was done, Namie took his hand and of they went to the great outdoors.
The sky was such a perfect color and there were no clouds in sight. The sun shined brightly and birds chirped happily, the whole nature doing its best to cheer him up. And it worked; he felt a shy smile enter his lips as Namie led him into unknown. Soft wind blew at them and her hair danced slightly in it, making her look even more entrancing.
Love her. Love her forever, no matter what.
His mood changed again as he saw where was she leading him too. He shivered and moved closer to Namie's warm body as they entered the cemetery. He didn't know how, but the air was different here. The atmosphere was different too. It was still warm, but not as much as outside, as the tall oak trees shielded the ground from the sun. There were birds here too, but only crows and ravens were rude enough to disturb the sacred silence of those who passed away. Wind felt colder, and he shivered once more, taking a firmer hold on Namie's hand.
"Don't be afraid Izaya. I'm here."
"I'm not afraid." He responded bravely.
He wasn't much to look at, nor was he the bravest person in the world, but he was definitely not afraid of the cemetery. He just…didn't like the atmosphere. Yeah that was it. The atmosphere was too cold for his liking.
"Here, look."
He stared at the family grave with the names carved into the topmost stone. One of the names instantly caught his attention.
Izaya Orihara
Underneath that name were two more names, names that he should not know, but that still brought a silent feeling of sadness and nostalgia in to his heart.
Shirou Orihara
Kyouko Orihara
"Namie, is this…?" he trembled slightly at the thought.
"Yes." She answered simply.
"Shirou and Kyouko, they are my mom and dad…"
"Yes."
He felt tears start stinging his eyes again as he trailed his hand over the engraved names.
"I think I should have brought some flowers or something. Seeing as it is the first time I saw them in so many years." Tears slowly trailed their way down, falling on to the ground bellow which his mother and father rested.
"Wait here." Namie told him, and went off.
For the first time he barely noticed he absence, now trailing his fingers around his own name.
Orihara…Orihara…Izaya Orihara…so that's his real name…that's who he truly is. It felt strange, having a last name. He never had it before.
"Orihara. Izaya Orihara." He murmured, testing out to see how does it feel on his mouth. It felt good. It was a name filled with nostalgia, filled with memories which were forgotten so long ago.
He turned his attention back to the names of his mother and father.
"I'm so sorry." He murmured, letting his tears fall on their grave, hoping that they could hear him.
"I'm sorry I left. I love you mom, I love you dad. I love you so much."
He felt a pair of hands embrace him from behind, and he feel apart, for the second time that day, feeling Namie's soothing sent around him. He cried on the grave of his parents, and on his own grave. Grave that maybe did not hold his body, soul and spirit, but did hold all the innocence of the childhood he forgot. The grave that held all the love his mother and father had to offer to him. The ruthless, cold, distant grave, which held his parents imprisoned and helpless to comfort their crying son. The son they thought was dead, long before they died too. A child that grew up detached from himself and his own wellbeing, but still, managed to love so purely, like nobody else could.
Namie hugged Izaya, she hugged him hard as he turned around and dug his head into her, crying like never before. It was all too much for the young boy, all too much. But she knew that it was for the best that he knew everything. It will help him make decisions, help him stand on his own. But that didn't matter now. What did matter was holding that sad boy, holding him tight and keeping him from falling apart. She dug her head into the back of his neck while stroking his back trying to calm the sobs down. She didn't know how long did the stay like that, Izaya in her arms crying his heart out, but with the time he calmed down and was now just silently sniffing, still in her arms, as she stroked his hair.
"Izaya." She started silently, as if not to scare the gentle boy away; "I bought some lilies for your parents grave, would you like to put them there."
He nodded slowly; "Thank you, Namie."
He took the lilies gently ad searching around for water, taking the vase with him when he found it. Soon the white flower were in the vase placed on the cold stone, and to Izaya, the stone seemed just a little less cruel with the lilies on it.
"Izaya, we need to go now. You can come here tomorrow if you want to." Namie said silently.
Izaya nodded and got up from the ground, looking at his parent's grave one more time and trailing his fingers across their names, as if he was afraid that he will forget them again.
"Good bye mom, good bye dad. I love you."
Author's note: Okay I somehow managed to get some tears into my eyes and make myself sad, I have no idea how. I usually couldn't care less about what I write. Well I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and please review it inspires me and you all know it.